Getting Excited About Becoming an Adult

For many people - including me -  becoming an adult has often sounded like a downgrade: more responsibility, more effort, less fun. No wonder the nervous system resists. But what if adulthood isn’t about grim endurance at all? What if it’s actually the most liberating, pleasurable, and creative state we can inhabit?

​This blog introduces The “Get Excited” Method — a way of reframing adulthood so it feels motivating, energising, and even fun. It draws on Transactional Analysis (TA) ego states, integrates nervous-system awareness from polyvagal theory, and offers practical ways to move out of drama and into grounded adult aliveness.

A Slice of Sam’s Experience of Being An Adult

Tuesday morning, rain lashing at the window - Sam wakes before the alarm, not with a jolt but with a familiar weight and warmth of the bed’s covers. Thoughts rush in and Sam notices them and begins the daily practice of gratitude, prayer - practices that keep Sam connected, calm, open and ADULT. 

Jo, Sam’s partner, is already up and moving around downstairs. “I wonder what’s up? Sam thinks.” Years ago that alone would have set something off in Sam -  a flicker of irritation, a story about being left and all the anxiety and tightness that goes with that. Yet after so much integration of new patterns and habits there is a noticing, a smile and an ease in just getting up and going to the shower. EXCITED for the day ahead!

In the kitchen, coffee is made slowly. Jo moves around the space in a way that used to land sharply: cupboards closing a little too firmly, attention half elsewhere, words brief and practical. Old Sam would have read meaning into every sound. Something’s wrong. I’ve done something. I need to fix this — or protect myself. The body would have braced without asking permission. Today, Sam feels the first hint of that brace and lets it soften. Feet on the floor. Breath out longer than in. Information, not emergency. This feels EASEFUL and JOYFUL! 

Jo says something distracted, eyes already on a screen - “Can you clean up your mess from last night, please?” There’s a familiar pull — the urge to rescue, to probe, to justify and defend.  Sam notices the urge and the story rise and fall like a wave, “mmm… interesting!” Just a pause of curiosity long enough to remember: this is just useful data. Connection doesn’t need to be forced to be real. A feeling of SATISFACTION and PRIDE emerges and Sam reaches out a hand to touch Jo’s shoulder and create some easy connection. Talking respectfully they connect and talk about the day ahead and both Sam and Jo feel the JOY of teamwork and partnership. 

Later, Sam is out walking. The air is cool. The body feels oddly light. Not because everything went perfectly, but because Sam didn’t self-abandon and stayed present. No rescuing. No persecution. No vanishing. Just presence, boundary, and choice - living in INTEGRITY feels POWERFUL. Sam’s steps are light yet purposeful. 

This is the quiet rebellion of adulthood. Not control. Not compliance. But staying in the body when old triggers knock. Letting partnership be real rather than rehearsed. Allowing friction without turning it into drama.
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Sam keeps walking, aware that Jo will trigger things again — of course. That’s intimacy. And for the first time, that doesn’t feel like a threat. It feels like something Sam is actually EXCITED about. All the healing that is happening through the relationship is helping both Sam and Jo be AMAZING ADULTS! 


Why Adulthood Is Actually Exciting

Did you like the slice of Sam’s Story? Here’s the reframe at the heart of The Get Excited Method:

The Adult state is where energy returns.

When you’re regulated and in ‘Adult Ego State’, you gain access to capacities that feel good in both body and mind.

Adult Body: What Feels Great

• Energy comes back online — not manic or stress-fuelled, but steady, playful, usable energy that lasts and lets you enjoy things properly.
  
  
• The body relaxes into itself — breath drops, shoulders soften, and you feel that delicious sense of “I’m safe enough to be me.”
  
  
• The mind clears — fewer dramatic stories, more choice, more curiosity, more room to think and feel at the same time.
  
  
• Effort starts to feel satisfying — like building, crafting, shaping a life that actually fits you, rather than grinding to keep others happy.
  
  
• Boundaries create freedom — saying no brings relief, saying yes feels clean, and resentment and anxiety soften and melt away.
  
  
• Responsibility turns into power — you choose, you respond, you repair, and you trust yourself to handle what comes next.
  
  
• Play comes back, but grounded in wisdom — not chaotic or avoidant, but grounded, intentional, and deeply enjoyable because you’re the one steering.
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This is polyvagal gold: the ventral vagal state of safe engagement.

How? Time and practice

The shift from Child into a sustained Adult state isn’t a mindset tweak or a one-off insight — it’s a practice, built slowly through repetition, patience, and kindness toward the nervous system. Child states don’t dissolve because they’re wrong; they soften because they’re no longer needed to survive. 

Each time activation arises and you pause rather than react, something new is being laid down in the body: I can feel this and stay present. At first, Adult may only flicker on for seconds at a time — a breath taken, a boundary named, a choice not to escalate. That counts. Over time, these small moments accumulate and the nervous system learns that regulation is not a fluke but an available state. 

This is why insight alone is never enough; without safety in the body, the Child will keep grabbing the wheel. Integration happens when you repeatedly meet triggers with orientation, breath, and curiosity, then speak or act from what is actually true now, not what was once dangerous. 

There will be relapses — moments of drama, collapse, or control — and these are not failures but information. The work is not to eliminate the Child, but to let Adult become the reliable home base that can listen, respond, and repair. With time, Adult stops being something you try to access and becomes the place you naturally return to — steady, responsive, and quietly in charge.

Continue reading if you want to know more depth…

A Quick TA Refresher: Child, Parent, Adult

Transactional Analysis describes three primary ego states:

• Child – emotional, adaptive, impulsive, playful and fearful or powerless
• Parent – internalised rules, judgments, protection, control, criticism
• Adult – present-time awareness, reality-based thinking, choice, agency

None of these states are “bad.” The problem arises when Child and Parent run the show, especially under stress. That’s when life starts to feel like hard work, conflict escalates, and we slip into drama.

Child + Parent = Drama

When the nervous system is dysregulated, Child and Parent ego states often lock together into what’s commonly called the Drama Triangle:

• Victim (Child) – voiceless, overwhelmed, helpless, “this is happening to me”
• Persecutor (Critical Parent) – condemning, blaming, harsh, “you’re wrong”
• Rescuer (Controlling Parent) – reactive helping, over-functioning, fixing others

This triangle is exhausting. It burns energy, creates conflict, and makes adulthood feel like drudgery. Not because adulting is inherently dull — but because we’re not actually in Adult.

The Adult Triangle: Where Life Gets Good

The Adult ego state isn’t cold, clinical, or boring. It’s alive, regulated, and powerful. When Adult is online, we naturally move into a different triangle — one based on agency, curiosity, and responsibility.
From Victim → Voice & VulnerabilityAdult doesn’t silence emotion — it gives it language.

• Naming what’s happening factually and emotionally
• Speaking truth without collapse or attack
• Noticing:
  • bodily reactions
  • mental stories
  • habitual behaviours

This is not dumping or dramatizing. It’s clean expression.

Adult says: “This is what I’m noticing in me right now.”

That alone is deeply regulating — and empowering


From Condemning Persecutor → Calm, Compassionate Curiosity

Adult replaces judgment with interest.

• Asking questions instead of making accusations
• Softening tone, pace, and posture
• Empathising with:
  • your own inner experience
  • the other person’s nervous system state

Curiosity signals safety. Safety allows understanding. Understanding allows choice.
Adult says: “I wonder what’s going on here — in me and in you?”

From Rescuer → Respectful, Responsible Responding

Adult knows the power of the pause.

• Moving from reaction → response
• Checking:
  • What’s mine to do?
  • What’s not mine?
• Respecting autonomy — yours and theirs
• Using boundaries instead of control
• Honouring agreements (explicit and implicit) with integrity

Adult doesn’t abandon care — it refines it.

Adult says: “I can care without over-functioning.”

An Important Truth: Adult Comes After Regulation

Here’s the key mistake many people make:

They try to think their way into Adult.

But Adult is state-dependent. If the nervous system is dysregulated, Adult simply isn’t accessible — no matter how much insight you have.
Polyvagal First, Psychology SecondThe theory can sit in the background. What matters first is:

• regulation
• co-regulation
• safety cues

Only then can the mind shift state.

Core Polyvagal Practices
(The Gateway to Adult)

Before asking yourself to “be more adult,” try these:
1. Orient to Safety

• Gently look around the room
• Name 3 things you can see, 2 you can hear, 1 you can feel
• Let your eyes soften

This tells your nervous system: I’m here, and I’m safe enough.

2. Slow the Body First

• Extend the exhale
• Drop the shoulders
• Unclench the jaw
• Feel your feet or seat

You’re not calming to suppress — you’re calming to access choice.

3. Co-Regulate Where Possible

• Sit with someone safe
• Speak aloud what’s happening inside
• Use warm tone and steady pacing

Adult thrives in connection, not isolation.

Practices for Moving from Child/Parent into Adult

Once regulation is present, these practices help consolidate Adult functioning:

Practice 1: Name the Ego State (Without Judgment)

• “A Child part of me feels overwhelmed.”
• “A Parent part of me wants to criticise.”
• "I feel pain in my heart, like a scared child"

Naming creates separation — and choice.

Practice 2: The Adult Pause Before responding, ask:

1. What’s happening in my body?
2. What story is my mind telling?
3. What response aligns with my values? What would my amazing Adult do?

Even a three-second pause and a deep breath can shift everything.

Practice 3: Responsibility Scan

• What am I responsible for?
• What am I not responsible for?
• What boundary would support mutual respect here?

Adult responsibility is clear — not lost in the FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Practice 4: Get Curious on Purpose. When tempted to judge, ask:

• “What makes sense about my or their reaction?”
• “What might this part be trying to protect?”
• “How can I approach myself / the other with calmness, compassion and curiosity?”

Calm curiosity dissolves drama.

The Heart of the Get Excited Method
This method isn’t about forcing maturity or suppressing your inner child.
It’s about recognising that:

The Adult state is where vitality, dignity, pleasure, and freedom live.
When you experience that — in your body, your relationships, your work — adulthood stops feeling like something to endure and starts feeling like something to grow into.

Not grim.

Not dull.

But alive, grounded, and genuinely exciting.
And once you’ve tasted that?
You don’t need to be dragged into adulthood.
You want it.

Work With Me
Do you want to live in Adult state most of the time — grounded, responsive, awake, and steering your own life rather than being pulled into drama? My work is designed to help you build exactly that capacity, step by step. You’ll learn how to regulate your nervous system, recognise when Child or Parent has taken over, and reliably return to Adult with clarity and choice. Three options to work on this with me:

1. Building Secure Attachments is a live group meeting for 12 weeks and learning together. I run it three times a year. 
2. Work with me 1:1 to delve deeply into your own journey

Work with me and your partner(s) in relationship coaching and work your patterns out together, as a team!