 My best friend Scott McGregor told me something he'd heard from Micheal Boyle that landed in my body like a truth-bomb: In relationships: first you have your ideal… then your ordeal… then the REAL DEAL. It was so simple. So funny. And so painfully accurate. “We're born alone, we die alone, and we live alone, each on our own planet of perception. No two people have ever met… Even the people you know best and love with all your heart are your own projections… You're the one who orders your favorite food and loves your favorite music… You've always been your favorite subject — your only subject. It's all about you.” — Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy And honestly, that’s why relationships are such a powerful spiritual path. Because love, connection, healing, commitment, and agreements… they’re not just about “the other person.” They’re a journey into ourselves — a chance to remove our blocks to love and discover something deeper: Love is safe. Love is real. And I can trust it. Not just in romantic relationships — but in friendships, communities, personal development, sexuality, and even the relationship we have with ourselves. Let’s explore this more deeply: 1. The Ideal: The Fantasy That Pulls Us In The ideal is intoxicating - It’s the honeymoon phase. It’s the time where we project all of our hopes and dreams onto the person in front of us. The ideal is what inspires us - It shows us what we long for, but the ideal is also often a spiritual bypass in disguise. Because what we’re often idealising isn’t the other person. It's the idea that love will mean no discomfort. Even after the honeymoon phase we can keep coming back to fantasy. God knows I LOVE fantasy. Just the other day I was imagining being given a 2 week prognosis of dying and thinking of all the ‘Fuck it’ things I would do. Because this helps me avoid reality For me I have always imagined constant adventures, hedonism and ease of money making. Everything flows and my partner is so sexually open that we can play with others with zero jealousy and complete compersion. Playing with fantasy helps me avoid reality. The problem is that the more I attach to my fantasy the more I begin to see how reality cannot measure up… and so I lose all that yummy gratitude and inspiration and resentment and blame kicks in, leading to… 2. The Ordeal: Where the Work Actually Begins If we are lost in our thoughts this is where life gets very stressful. The cracks in the relationship become so large that they engulf us and we feel hopeless and lost. Negative thoughts can spiral and send us into anger, resentment and then guilt and depression. This is where couples come to couples therapy with me. The good news is that this is a fertile time. This is the compost of personal development! The ordeal is where we discover our attachment wounds, our nervous system patterns, our unmet childhood needs, and our resistance to accountability. And this is where many people unconsciously quit - Including me. I’ve been in so many relationships where things got vulnerable and real and then I pulled away, seeking the next fantasy and the next dopamine hit of novelty. Different attachment styles flavour the ordeal differently:
This is actually gold dust. By stepping out of our thoughts and observing we can follow the gold dust back we get to the original wound, either as imagination and memory or as somatic sensation in the body (or both). This is why I love the world of personal development. It's a time where I get to explore my pain and learn to open myself to more love and joy. I love working with couples and I love working on my own relationships. I love this shit! Because deep down I (and I imagine all of us) really want… 3. The Real Deal: Love, Beyond Fantasy I believe that when one truly understands someone one cannot help but love them. That doesn’t mean you always like everything they do or say or always want to hang out, but it points to a deeper love - an opening to who we really are and a deep sense of welcoming and belonging, together and a sense that we can be real with them and they can be real with us! Doesn’t that sound like a relief? No more pretending. No more secret resentments. A celebration of truth! This requires integration of truth, which includes conflict , rupture and repair. The real deal is when:
“There are two tragedies in life. The first is not getting what you want. The second is getting it.” This misquote is often attributed to playwright George Bernard Shaw, though sometimes credited to Oscar Wilde. It highlights a paradox: the pain of failure and the disillusionment of success, suggesting that desire often causes suffering, regardless of the outcome.Suggesting that beyond desire and longing is something more important to our soul - the need for intimacy and love, which requires working through our blocks to love - our fear of pain. Agreements and Broken Agreements Agreements it turns out are a gauge for our progress in this area. I’ve often struggled with the sense of obligation that goes along with agreements and commitment. When I look deeper into myself I find something hard to admit; If I continue to never commit or to break agreements then I can never trust myself. Damn! That sucks. In my personal investigations and in my work with clients the themes of responsibility and commitment is a common sticking point. This is why in counselling we form a counselling contract and uphold the boundaries quite strictly. It helps people to understand the importance of agreements in building inner security. The challenge is that making agreements can often activate anxiety and shame, because the moment we break an agreement, we trigger the fear of being judged, of disappointing someone, of being seen as selfish... of losing love And so the ordeal begins. Our insecure attachment patterns play out. The hardest part is actually facing up to the breaking of agreements, both with ourselves and with others. This is the deep truth that all boundaries and agreemenets are with ourselves and we break them regularly! Agreements Help Us Identify Integration or Disintigration The Hidden Gift of AgreementsAgreements aren’t there to restrict us. They’re there to reveal us. They shine a light on where our belief systems are delusional, where we’re over-giving to earn love, where we’re avoiding truth, and where we’re not fully in integrity with ourselves or others. Agreements show us. When we show up to do THE WORK and go through the ordeal we learn Integration means learning to hold fear, guilt, and desire with awareness and compassion — not trying to get rid of them, but letting them be present without letting them run your life. Remembering that fear doesn’t go away just because you want it to. If you try to “get rid of it”, you usually end up suppressing it (it leaks out sideways as irritability, avoidance, shutdown), or projecting it (blaming others). So fear ends up running your life from the shadows. When I coach people it's helping them see thier inner fears and acknowledge them, but then make a new agreement not to react from them. For example John was finding he was rescuing his girlfriend from her fearful emotions and he was getting burned out. He now knows to pause and say: “A part of me really wants to rescue you right now because I hate seeing you in pain. But I trust you can feel this, and I can stay close while you do.” That’s integration, without the need for the ideal (which is born from fear of pain). What Is The Real Deal, Really? The real deal is presence in the face of the reality of our beautiful imperfections and learning to love them all in ourselves and each other. Imagine that? Imagine feeling that you adore yourself and each other in the same way you would a little toddler who is doing their best, trying to walk and falling over. The human spirit is beautiful in its trying and all its little coping mechanisms. When we can reveal and integrate our fearful blocks to love then we are living in THE REAL DEAL. Want some help navigating your ordeal? Contact me for some counselling or coaching and I’d be happy to be alongside you and celebrating your progress. 
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We all have traumatic memories from our childhood. These are like gold dust — little clues that can lead us back to the treasure hidden inside our trauma. In this blog I want to tell the story of one of my recent discoveries, following the gold dust of… cuddly toys! Let me explain… Also I was listening to this song by a good friend Danny Emerson and I love it! Syncronicity is ofen a signal of the goldust leading us in the right direction, I think. Listen as you read... My Story When I was about 11 years old and just beginning secondary school, I was having a hard time. I was finding that the other children were no longer playful and innocent like they were in my previous school. Instead, they were competitive, macho, and unpleasant. Bullying became a daily occurrence. Toughening up As an impressionable boy needing to fit in, I made an internal decision to toughen up. It was around this time that my mum was worried about me, but she was also going through her own challenges with my father and my brother. Home life was difficult, and mum was fussing over me because she could see something was wrong. I clearly remember pushing her away and taking all of my cuddly toys (I had about 20!) and throwing them into bin bags for the charity shop. At the time, I pushed down any feelings of sadness. This was something I felt I had to do to survive, but I wasn’t happy about it. Deep down, I was very sad. I recall talking about this memory in therapy, and also during my counselling course. The trauma of “toughening up” was symbolised by the discarding of all of my cuddly toys. It’s a memory that sometimes brings me to tears. Man Neil Fast forward 30 years and I am now a stepdad to a wonderful little girl, and the partner of her mum, Claire. In the last four years this relationship has been both wonderful and challenging. I do a lot of personal development, which helps — but I think the simple fact of being in a committed relationship has been the most profound thing of all. It has stripped back my defences and is bringing me back to love. The tragic truth is that since secondary school, I’ve hardly ever felt that soft, squishy love feeling. Then, during one of my many distracting practices — scrolling Instagram videos — I came across Pulse of Potential: a wellbeing brand that makes tools for emotional support, including their popular weighted plush animals (sloths, pandas, and more). They’re designed to be comforting rather than “just cute” — something you can hold when you’re stressed, overwhelmed, lonely, anxious, or struggling to settle. The company positions them as simple, nervous-system-friendly supports, alongside journals and reflective resources, aimed at helping people feel safer in their bodies and more emotionally steady. I was sold instantly. I ordered the Cow and the Red Panda (because one has short hair and a big tail and looks soft, and the other has long hair and horns!). I couldn’t wait for them to arrive. When they did, I was so happy. And then a little voice appeared: “What are you doing?! You’re a grown man. You’re not supposed to have fluffy toys!” Even now, that voice brings me close to tears. It sounds like my father, and every bully I’ve ever encountered. But the new man that I am embraced softness, tenderness, and soothing. I’m not afraid of being labelled weak anymore. That night I held Cow and Red close and cried. I chose cuddling Claire instead of scrolling and porn. I realised my nervous system has been longing for a safe way to choose co-regulation through cuddles. I slept like a contented baby. I woke with a new realisation of how much this means to me. In the coming days, Claire’s daughter returned and fell in love with Red. I offered it to her to sleep with. It was adorable, and I sometimes watched her sleeping with Red, and it was genuinely beautiful. After two nights, though, I realised something else. My inner child wanted Red back — and felt sad that I had bought them for myself, but then given them away. It was a weird inner conflict between my inner parent (who loved seeing this little girl love the panda) and my own inner boy, who longed to be valued too. Since then, Claire and I have talked with Seren, and we’re modelling how adults — and men — can have vulnerable feelings. We’ve included her in our choices, and we’re now ordering another one just for her, so I can keep Red for myself. This kind of self-love feels so alien to the old version of me. I think of my father and his disapproving glare. I think of the people who will judge this blog as pathetic. I hold all that inside and I say, “Thank you.” Because I realise now those voices make me even more dedicated to my mission: helping men soften their hearts and return to love — to co-regulation, to asking for their sensitive needs to be seen, heard, and respected. Most of all, to realise that this is an inner game: meeting the internal parents, bullies, and painful messaging with love, compassion, and committed action. I am so grateful for the gold dust of my trauma. Thank you.   A lot of the people I work with aren’t “broken”. They’re just stuck. Stuck in overthinking. Stuck in avoidance. Stuck in old relationship patterns. Stuck in anxiety, shame, self-doubt, procrastination… or that familiar feeling of “I know what I should do, but I can’t seem to do it.” One of the main frameworks I use in my coaching and counselling is Acceptance and Commitment Training (ACT) — originally developed in the 1980s by psychologist Steven Hayes, drawing on behavioural psychology and mindfulness-based approaches. What I love about ACT is that it doesn’t ask you to “get rid” of difficult emotions or force your mind to be positive. It’s not about fixing you. Instead, ACT teaches something much more practical: How to stay present with what’s real, unhook from unhelpful mind stories, and take action based on what actually works to get you what you want!  No FIXING, more WORKING with...
Rather than trying to “fix” your emotions or eliminate uncomfortable thoughts, ACT teaches you to make space internally, challenge thoughts and reconnect with your true values. Working with the tool yourself or with a coach can:
However I found the HEX format USELESS! So I made one that I find works much better: WORKING (ACT Model) (Made by me, Neil Morbey) W — What’s happening?
O — Opinions?
R — Real Feelings
K — Keeping Safe
I — Internal Conflict
N — Net Result
G — Goal-Directed Action
Why it works (the logic of the flow)
WORKING is all about ACTing in a way that works to create the life you really want. Would you like to work with me? Get in touch  I’ve been working with Alex and Sarah for a few weeks and we’ve been getting into the use of SAFER communication - a tool to help in those times where vulnerable feelings need to be shared. The first step of SAFER is called Space; the tuning into the capacity of the moment. Am I able to hold this right now or do I need to pause? Is this physical space appropriate? (privacy, timing etc). Have I checked in if the other has the space to listen and is willing? Space = Capacity It is the crucial step that makes the key difference in communication. When we try to share and listen from a dysregulated nervous system we inevitably slip into our adapted child or critical parent roles (Transactional Analysis) or the roles of the Karpman Drama Triangle (Rescuer, Perpetrator, Victim). When we practice the tool of SAFER communication together we can actually use the rupture and repair process to build a deeper sense of understanding and love. Let’s look at Alex and Sarah’s session to get into it: A Moment Of Rupture Alex began. He described a moment that escalated far more quickly than either intended. What began as a brief, honest check-in turned into a familiar cycle of misunderstanding, emotional flooding, and role-locking. “She asked how I was and I felt she was pushing for me to share, so I decided I’d take a risk and share a difficult truth…” Alex shared that, in a transitional moment at home, Sarah asked how he was feeling. He paused, tuned in, and chose to answer honestly but lightly: that he was feeling a bit low and wanting more fun and ease. What he was hoping for was a simple acknowledgement — something like “Thanks for telling me, I hear that… let’s talk more later- love you.” Instead, Sarah yawned and leaned back. She rolled her eyes and became exasperated. Alex experienced this not as tiredness, but as dismissal. Old material was activated quickly. He reactively diagnosed it: (one of the five Ds of disconnection) “Oh you’re having an emotional reaction to this?” In the session he told me that he later recognised that this reaction came from fear and frustration rather than curiosity. This comment immediately shifted the tone from sharing into trigger and processing. Key Moments to Check in with Space Moments like this exist all the time. If either partner has the skill they can pause and tune in. But at this point, neither partner checked whether there was space — internally or relationally — for a deeper conversation. This was a key moment. Once nervous system capacity is exceeded, even good tools become mechanical rather than regulating. Falling into emotionally reactive patterns and roles Seeing Sarah begin to share her own frustration, Alex moved into a familiar rescuing role. This is an adaptive strategy from earlier life: when emotional intensity appears, he stabilises, listens, reassures, and attempts to fix by using the SAFER tool mechanically. He reflected Sarah’s concerns carefully, particularly around feeling overstimulated and wanting a more calm presence, and he offered reassurance and behavioural change.Throughout this he had no inner space and was gritting his teeth with the emotion of frustration. His voice was tight. Alex then moved straight into his own sharing without checking for his own or Sarah’s capacity. He expressed that he didn’t feel seen or heard, and that he’d been making extra efforts to support Sarah while she’d been unwell. All the while Sarah was becoming visibly emotional with upset and tears. Overwhelm and victimhood became her state. She used the first D of disconnection - ‘Defensively’ expressing that she already carries too much responsibility and has given appreciation in the past. At this stage, the polarity locked in between them:
These roles can quickly shift and if the argument escalated it could end up in reverse, such is the tragedy of the drama triangle. When we communicate this way all of our innocent feelings and needs are tragically expressed as blame and shame. Trying to bring it back with SAFER communication They attempted to return to a structured communication tool, but neither had the nervous system flexibility to offer true empathy. Alex listened and reflected for several minutes, then asked for space to be heard. When he shared, the dominant feelings underneath were distrust, anger, and hopelessness — particularly the belief that he cannot share small, present-moment feelings without them escalating into something much larger. He voiced this in a way that became a globalised judgment of Sarah’s capacity. “I just don’t think you’re capable of hearing me and reflecting in a calm way!” Almost immediately, he recognised this as inaccurate and repaired verbally, acknowledging that she is capable and that his statement came from upset rather than truth. Eventually, they agreed to pause and return to the conversation later. However, time scarcity triggered further distress for Sarah, who felt abandoned by the pause. Alex held a boundary — not to punish or withdraw, but to stop the spiral — and suggested they end with physical contact to regulate rather than rupture. They hugged, acknowledging that fuller repair would need to happen later. Reflections I Offered the Couple The session was a retelling of the process and I listened calmly and celebrated each person in their self-awareness of the underlying patterns occurring. This couple have been working with me for long enough to begin to repair things and come back from blame quite easily now. Here was my summary:
Summary This rupture was not about fun, yawning, or appreciation. It was about capacity, timing, and safety. Both partners were trying to be met while already dysregulated. The system did what it always does under threat. What stood out was Alex’s growing ability to notice his adaptations in real time, Sarah’s eventual willingness to pause rather than pursue, and the couple’s shared commitment to returning as Adults rather than winning in the moment Follow-Up: Repair in the Following Session The following week, Alex and Sarah returned to the moment with more regulation. Alex began by naming the core vulnerability underneath his anger: “What I needed at that moment was just to be heard lightly. When it escalated, I felt hopeless and unsafe to share small things.” Sarah reflected this accurately without defending. She acknowledged that her yawn was a sign of overwhelm rather than disinterest, and that she often feels pressure when emotional conversations appear unexpectedly. Together, they agreed on a new micro-repair:
They ended the session with both partners expressing respect and appreciation — not for being right, but for staying in the work. This repair didn’t erase the pattern, but it softened it. And that is how secure relating is built: not by avoiding rupture, but by repairing it cleanly, slowly, and with respect and dignity. Would you like to be able to rupture and repair in a SAFER way? If you’d like to level up your communication and connection with a partner or just in yourself there are a few options to work with me:
 I've begun more training with Adam Lane Smith to help me teach my Building Secure Attachment Course at an even deeper level. This it he first of many blogs on the subject. In the intricate dance of relationships, many of us find ourselves caught in what psychologists call the anxious-avoidant cycle. My passion is to present a clearer view of the neurochemistry behind this pattern—and more importantly, tools to help break free from it.  Understanding the Problem: A Cycle of Anxiety and Withdrawal
At its core, the anxious-avoidant cycle is a pattern where one partner tends to crave closeness and reassurance (the anxious partner), while the other feels the need to pull away or avoid intense emotional closeness (the avoidant partner). This push-pull dynamic can create a lot of stress, misunderstanding, and heartache. The Neurochemistry Behind the Cycle At the heart of the anxious-avoudant dance is neurochemity - especially oxytocin, often known as the “bonding hormone.” In a secure relationship, oxytocin helps partners feel safe and connected. But for people with anxious or avoidant tendencies, that bonding process got wired a little differently in early childhood. For the Anxious Partner: Anxious traits amplify for connection. People with these traits often learned early on that love and support were inconsistent. When they cried out for help, sometimes they got comfort and sometimes they didn’t. This intermittent reinforcement is a bit like a gambler pressing a button, never knowing when the reward will come. As a result, the anxious partner learns to amplify their emotions to get attention and reassurance, becoming almost addicted to the oxytocin and dopamine that come with it. For the Avoidant Partner: On the flip side, avoidant traits withraw for safety, People with these traits learned that opening up emotionally could lead to feeling threatened or judged. For them, closeness and vulnerability got associated with stress hormones like cortisol rather than safety. So they learned to protect themselves by withdrawing from intimacy. Breaking the Cycle: he good news is that this cycle can be changed. A few practical techniques to get you started:
Looking Forward to Oxytocin Bonding One of the most uplifting parts of breaking the anxious-avoidant cycle is rediscovering the joy of true bonding. When both partners start to feel safer and more secure, they can actually look forward to those oxytocin-rich moments of connection. Instead of feeling like emotional intimacy is a battleground, it becomes something both partners can genuinely enjoy and anticipate. It’s about creating a relationship where both people feel safe enough to be themselves and to share closeness without fear. Final Thoughts and Acknowledgments When we understant the neurochemistry at play, and some practical tools to shift these patterns we can really affect change with compassion and care. If you’re interested in learning more about this work, definitely check out my Building Secure Attachment Course or private coaching. In the end, understanding the neurochemistry of anxious-avoidant attachment is a powerful step toward building healthier, more fulfilling relationships. With patience, awareness, and the right tools, it’s entirely possible to break the cycle and find the secure connection you deserve. |
AuthorsNeil Morbey is a coach, counsellor and group facilitator for Positively-Mindful.com ; focusing on being a mindful adult in a modern world of triggers, traumas and overwhelm. Blog Index
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