 Hey there,
I just finished a coaching session that sparked a fresh tool for navigating those familiar inner battles. The client was caught in the loop many of us know well: Am I actually making the world better? On one side, the evidence was clear and positive. He was leading by example-being a good listener, helping people feel safe, giving quality attention. There was a real ripple effect. He wasn’t doing nothing; overall, it was a net positive. Yet the inner voice kept pushing: “You could be doing more.” Ideas about startups, helping others launch their own, or diving into social entrepreneurship kept surfacing, quickly followed by a sense of pressure and self-doubt. The labels that emerged felt harsh: wasting potential, fearful, cowardly. Self-compassion seemed to be the missing piece. So together we created a practical exercise called “Give It a Voice.” This tool draws from Transactional Analysis (TA) ego states-the Critical Parent, the emotional Child, and the healthy Adult-as well as Internal Family Systems (IFS) thinking about distinct inner “parts.” It also aligns closely with the insightful reframing in the blog post “Getting Excited About Becoming an Adult” , which celebrates the Adult state not as boring responsibility, but as a source of alive, regulated energy, calm curiosity, and genuine freedom. Instead of trying to silence the critic, you give every part a full voice, then let the wise Adult respond from the present moment. How “Give It a Voice” WorksYou can practice this through journaling (writing the dialogue) or mirror work (speaking aloud while looking at yourself). Both make the inner conversation feel real and workable. Here’s the straightforward process: Identify the voices.
No filtering. Write or say exactly what it’s saying today. It might sound like:
Switch to the Wise Adult response. Speak as a compassionate best friend, proud parent, or loving mentor. Begin with: “Thank you, I hear you…” Then acknowledge real growth and effort without defensiveness-things like showing up consistently, taking bold steps in the past, or small wins from the day (a mindful practice, a run, starting a 1% improvement habit). End by gently steering into the present: “…and NOW let’s…”
Why This Tool Works So WellMost advice tells us to crush the inner critic or only listen to positivity. That rarely sticks because the critic is part of you-it’s trying (in its clumsy way) to keep you safe. “Give It a Voice” honours all parts without judgment, then lets the healthy Adult take the lead. This mirrors the powerful shift described in “Getting Excited About Becoming an Adult”: moving out of the Drama Triangle (where Critical Parent and reactive Child create loops of persecution, victimhood, or rescue) and into the Adult state of calm curiosity, respectful responsibility, and present-time choice. Remember - The Adult doesn’t eliminate the other parts-it softens them through repetition, regulation, and compassion. Triggers become opportunities. Effort feels satisfying again. Adulthood stops feeling like a grind and starts feeling alive. In our session, the daunting feeling (“I want to dothese impactful things”) stopped being proof of inadequacy. It became useful information: This matters, so of course it feels big. Failure is scary-that’s human. The tool transforms that fear into fuel instead of paralysis. It creates a place of non-judgment by design. No more blanket labels. Just an honest conversation between parts, followed by grounded action from the now. Try “Give It a Voice” TodayGrab a notebook or stand in front of a mirror. Ask yourself:
This isn’t about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming whole - stepping more often into that exciting Adult state where energy returns, choices feel clear, and you can keep making your positive ripple without burning out in self-criticism. Let me know how the tool lands for you. If you try it, feel free to share a snippet of your dialogue in the comments (I read them all). With compassion and forward momentum, Neil P.S. If you’d like the exact prompts I used in the session, just reply “GIVE IT A VOICE” and I’ll send them your way. Here’s to making self-compassion the new default-and getting genuinely excited about showing up as the Adult you’re becoming.
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Here’s a note I made to my ADHD brain, to remind me of something important.  You don’t need to feel like it. You don’t need to feel inspired. You don’t need to feel ready. You don’t need the perfect mood, the perfect song, the perfect coffee, the perfect morning. You don’t need the spark. You need the step. Just the step. Because here is the truth, and you already know it, and I’m going to say it again and again until it lands: Dopamine chasing is not freedom. It feels like freedom. It looks like freedom. But it is not freedom. It is delay. It is distraction. It is dependency. And dependency does not feel good.  Not really. It feels good for a moment. A scroll. A snack. A video. A hit. And then? Flat. Restless. Unsettled. So you chase again. And again. And again. And again. Not because you’re broken. Not because you’re lazy. Not because you lack discipline. But because your brain has learned a pattern: “Feel bad → find stimulation → feel better → repeat.” But what if there’s another pattern? What if there’s a quieter pattern? A slower pattern. A stronger pattern. Listen carefully: “Don’t feel like it → do it anyway → it gets easier → it becomes natural → it becomes enjoyable.” Not instantly. Not magically. But reliably.  Because effort compounds. Tiny effort. Repeated effort. Uninspired effort. This is the doorway. And you don’t have to run through it. You don’t have to leap through it. You don’t have to love it. You just have to walk. One step. Just one step when you don’t want to. That’s it. Because here’s the secret that no one tells you clearly enough: Ease is built. Ease is trained. Ease is the other side of resistance. You are not trying to feel good before you act. You are acting… so that feeling good can catch up later. And it will catch up. At first it’s hard. Then it’s awkward. Then it’s tolerable. Then it’s normal. Then it’s easy. Then it’s… enjoyable. Yes. Enjoyable. Not fake fun. Not frantic fun. Not scrolling, spiking, crashing fun. Real fun. The fun of momentum. The fun of clarity. The fun of doing something you once avoided… with ease. So when your mind says: “I need to feel like it.” You say: “No. I need to start.” When your mind says: “Just one more distraction.” You say: “Just one small action.” When your mind says: “This is too hard.” You say: “This is how it becomes easy.” Again. And again. And again. You don’t need to win the day. You don’t need to win the week. You need to win this moment. This choice. This action. This step.  Because every time you choose action over stimulation,
you are rewiring something deep. Every time you begin without wanting to, you are building something real. Every time you continue for just a little bit longer than comfort, you are stepping into a different life. A life where things get easier. Easier to start. Easier to continue. Easier to finish. Easier and easier and easier. Until one day you notice: You didn’t need the hype. You didn’t need the perfect mood. You didn’t need the dopamine hit. You just… started. And it felt good. Not at the beginning. But after. And that’s enough. That is more than enough. So remember: You don’t need to feel like it. You don’t need to feel inspired. You don’t need to feel ready. You need to take the step. Just the step. Just the step. Just the step.  I thought I’d do an advice piece. It’s based on some clients of mine that shared why they are happy in their relationship. It’s also based on my own life, when I see things going well. Here’s the basics:
A good relationship is not built on perfection. It’s built on space.
They fail because people try to manage each other instead of meeting each other. So I’m suggesting 5 principles to meet one another, human to human, adult to adult:
So will you. They’ll forget things. They’ll get moody. They’ll say things badly. The question is not: Can I stop this? The question is: Can I stay open when it happens? A simple: “I get why that’s frustrating” is often all it takes to return to connection. Drop perfection. Choose understanding. 2. Stop Managing Your PartnerControl kills attraction. Correction kills safety. When you try to manage your partner their habits, their moods, their choices you slowly turn the relationship into a parent-child dynamic. And no one thrives there. Let them waste time sometimes. Let them make mistakes. Let them learn. Trust that growth comes from experience, not instruction. Love says: “I’m here with you.” Not: “Here’s how you should be.” 3. Take Responsibility for Your EmotionsThis is the game changer. Your partner is not your regulator. They are your companion. If you’re upset—pause. If you’re triggered - own it. If you need something - ask clearly. “I need a hug.” “I just want to vent.” “Can you reassure me?” Clean communication replaces silent resentment. Support each other fully, without making each other responsible. 4. Stay on the Same TeamIt’s not you vs them. It’s both of you vs the moment. When something goes wrong, don’t ask: “Who’s at fault?” Ask: “How do we come back to connection?” Repair quickly and calmly, with empathy and an open heart. Choose the relationship over being right. 5. Keep It SimpleGood relationships are not complicated. They are built on small, repeatable things:
No drama required. No perfection needed. Summary A good relationship works when: You allow humanity, release control, and take responsibility. Everything else is detail. For me I love to come back to principles. |
AuthorsNeil Morbey is a coach, counsellor and group facilitator for Positively-Mindful.com ; focusing on being a mindful adult in a modern world of triggers, traumas and overwhelm. Blog Index
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