 Ahh my second attempt at the Goenka 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat... I was so excited and nervous. 10 years ago I had such a mind blowing time (read about it here) and this time I wanted to stay the full 10 days as a dopamine detox, an opportunity to practice self care and to tend to my mind and body. It was the final step in my three pronged approach to coming away from cynicism and back to love. So it may surprise you to hear that I left at the end of day 5, once again! Here is what happened and why it's changed my mind about Goenka... INTENTIONS I've heard and read about some horror stories of people having mental breakdowns at Vipassana, or not integrating well back into society, people accidently harming their bodies trying to sit still and pushing themselves too much (including a close friend of mine) and also some stories of people being indoctrinated into the lifestyle of working harder and harder for many years, to their later regret. With this knowledge I chose set an intention to go easy on myself, practice loving mindsets and exercises, which would also involve bending the rules slightly; to allow myself to journal, as I felt this would enhance my experience. I also brought a book on mindfulness (Wherever You Go, There You Are, by JKZ) so I could read in the evening before bed. Finally I threw in massage oil, an exercise mat and my massage balls. I wanted a slightly adapted retreat that allowed me to connect to my my goals whilst doing the meditations. A BAD START Day one was awful. I forgot how irritating I find Goenka with his guttural chanting every single day and the evening discourses of nonsense, endless bad analogies, reiterating of the rules, telling us how miserable life is and how ‘true’ liberation can only be found here. The insistence of the scientific and objective nature of it all and the reiteration “you can only experience it for yourself, but only if you follow all the rules scrupulously”. Whilst I suspect he is right I felt a lot of resistance. After a tiring day of sitting uncomfortably and meditating I laid down in my dorm bed ready to sleep when the loudest snoring I’ve ever heard, or even thought possible, began just beyond the curtain in the next cubicle. Sleep deprived I entered into day 2 but found I enjoyed meditation time. This is the one saving grace for me - I like to meditate, which is something I do daily and have done for 12 years. I just subscribe to a sense of taking your time and accepting ourselves with love, instead of thrashing ourselves in some self-defeating pursuit of enlightenment. THE GOENKA BRAIN WASHING - PART OF THE CULT OF CHASING ENLIGHTENMENT Zooming out for a moment - I think the world has many ideological cults of self harm in the name of self improvement and in my opinion spiritual teachers like Goenka epitomise that. I don't think his intentions bad, he certainly wasn't asking for lots of money, but he did become extremely famous and vanity is a powerfully dark motivator. The real trick is ideological. Once you've done a Vipassana you're hooked into the ideology and, like a cult, you seek to propagate it to buttress your own beliefs. Many Goenka disciples spend many months serving at the courses and maintaining the retreat centres, all of them are sitting in meditation many hours a day and hoping to achieve the next level of liberation, or 'enlightenment'. This can occupy years of their lives, often making it difficult to do things that might bring healthy balance, like relationships, dance, creativity, learning. I know people who've done this and told me they were very depressed in that time. IS IT A CULT? Not really. They're not extorting money, but they are creating some subtle manipulations that force people to think that they NEED to do this stuff to be liberated. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to upskill ourselves, but there is a limit to healthy and balanced self improvement and then I think there is a global cult of self improvement, which I felt Goenka neatly falls into. Here are the definitions of a cult (source):
Never in your life, you’ll hear the word misery so many times in a span of a few days, irrespective of whether you are going through hardships in life or not. They create the notion that life is a misery and they also give you the answer." - Meillind Parsoya GOENKA PSYCHOLOGY I know a lot of my dislike of Goenka is my own 'Sankhara' - my own personal patterns, including an addictive craving of fun stimulus. Yet still I find many of the ways of silly rules, pointless repetitions and clever use of story and metaphor somewhat psychologically manipulative. The discourses are particularly full of dogma and they are always in the evening, when people are tired and suggestable. Of course isolated in 'noble silence' and not to write anything down, so it is very difficult to question or discuss anything. This article goes even deeper into the psychology at play but here are some highlights:
BREAKING THE RULES Back to my story - On the evening of day 2 I snuck out to my car and grabbed my phone and Bluetooth earbuds, mainly to allow me to sleep. From then on I broke more and more rules. I stayed in bed until 6:30am, to miss the 4:30am meditation. I did my own exercise, self massage and read my book to reflect and take care of myself. I even snuck a bowl of the daily lunch away to (hide in my room, so I could eat a proper meal at 5pm. In the meditation hall I hid my earbuds under my hat so that, as he continued chanting and chattering away, I could have music or an audiobook. I also chose to leave the site (not allowed) each lunchtime for long walks, so I could exercise properly and also so I could sing! I really enjoyed these times and found restricting my voice for so long quite upsetting. It was all very deceptive, which felt fun, exhilarating, but not in alignment with a mindfulness practice at all. I was growing more concerned that I'd shot myself in the foot and was not really giving this retreat a proper go. LEAVING The reason I did the course is to meditate. I love meditation. But Goenka spends 3 days focusing on one spot (nose breathing) and then the rest of the time doing quick body scans, over and over and over. No visualising or using mantras allowed. Plus the dogma, plus the silly rules and silence... I found this intolerable, so I did my own 'loving kindness' meditations focused on all my fellows struggling around me. I also did my style of body scanning, gratitude practice and body visualisations. My meditations are usually 15 minutes, or 30 minutes at most, whereas Goenka asks us to sit for up to 2 hrs sometimes. I was really enjoying the varied meditations, but didn't like the deceptions. Clearly I was on another path and I began to doubt if being here was a good idea. I realised that with all the rules I was breaking I way out of integrity and not getting benefit from Goenka's style. I have a fear of being perceived as a failure, which would be a purely egoic reason to stay, so I decided to face my fear and fail hard. I decided I should just go home, to my beautiful partner, house and food and practice my own way there. What a failure! ;) MY WAY As I reflect I can see I wasn’t really up for the Goenka style and I don't trust his techniques and perhaps I'm just not capable enough or ready yet. But I believe there are many paths to fulfilment in life and many ways to enjoy meditation and mindfulness. I know of other retreat centres that are more humble and more open minded and I also remember I can meditate perfectly well at home. Today I did a lovely 15 minutes meditation and gratitude practice to connect and settle mind and body and I went for a run and did some lovely stretching and exercising whilst listening to the seminal audiobook ‘Breathe’ by James Nestor. I love this - I don’t have to go through 5 more days of deception or listening to nonsense. I can just enjoy life as it is, right now. It’s not all miserable Mr Goenka and I don’t need your style of Vipassana to be liberated. I'm also aware that I may not be ready for what he's offering and perhaps I might be in the future able to tune into the essence of the practice, which I think is good. SUMMARY I want to add some big appreciation to the managers, teachers and servers at the retreat centre. It’s an amazing place and I still think there is so much in what they offer, but if you go it is essential that you are already somewhat grounded mentally and physically. If you follow the rules it’s a lot of time with just you and your mind, with no one to help you process or emote. I think it's likely you'll come to one of three conclusions:
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  The diagram here and below represents a roadmaps for healing using EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This is part of the AIP (Adaptive Information Processing Model)
The overall goals are to decrease your sensitivity to triggers and severity of resulting symptoms (depression, anxiety, guilt, anger, negative beliefs or self-image) and improve and increase your internal resources, self-image and window of tolerance. It is often used to treat PTSD and other traumas. Modern thinking is that most of our ailments stem from childhood trauma, so this could be applicable to everyone. Look at this EMDR Formulation tool PDF for a great way to understand this. My EMDR Therapy Experience My therapist helped me map out my three main core wounds. We did this after several weeks in the preperation stage, and we formulated a core mother wound and a core father wound, which resulted in unique triggers, belief systems and symptoms. It's very personal so I won't reveal it all, but being able to stand back from all that and see how things have formed allowed me to also consider what resources and resilience I have and consider my goals as we moved into the phase ' Protocol Of Stabilisation' and 'P5' installing more resilience to gradually help me to become more able to 'be with' challenges and less reactive, but also to spot my reactions sooner and have useful methods to come back into balance. My Humorous Adaptation Of The Model I've adapted the Formulation tool here to make it easier to understand, using acronyms (of course). I like to see things with humour to help me feel lightness and positivity even about traumatic things. This model isn't all of the work. The relationship between counsellor and client is still paramount as in the person centred model (which is the foundation of most counselling modalities) but this can help a person who, like me, finds it helpful to see the formulation of ones symptoms with clarity and form a roadmap towards their goals:
Most of the work is in the preparation and planning Like going on a serious journey, it's so important to be well prepared. For example my one of my DIY jobs at home was painting a room and I'll tell you that 80% of the work was prep. Painting was the easy bit, made easier by good prep . If we take that analogy into therapy it means the first several session are the most important - gaining the history of the client and understanding and mapping out the Target TEMPs, PMTs, BS and PISS and build up RnR and aim at the G with a rough plan of action It's not just about the tools! This formulation approach isn't for everyone but I really like it . The POS part is especially interesting as it uses b-lateral stimulation to help calm the nervous system as trigger memories are discussed. This is mind blowing how it can work, but again it's not just about the technique, but about the prep and the therapeutic relationship - these are key. If you resonate with the therapist I think this is most important. Tools are useless if not used well. If you'd like some help with working through your issues contact me here.  I know that you know this and its often difficult to change....
Ruminating on your mistakes, holding onto the past, and allowing yourself to keep repeating negative behaviours or actions can impact your mental health and your direction in life. To effectively break free, learn from your mistakes, and move forward, it takes time, patience (to allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them), and perseverance (to keep trying and not give up) to master. Embracing this journey is a significant step if you find yourself in a repetitive cycle of mistakes. It's a journey of hope, a journey of growth, and a journey towards a better version of yourself. I actually ENCOURGE people to make mistakes in my Rejection Therapy and I teach people how to create connection from mistakes in my group workshops. "Every mistake is an opportunity" So, how do you learn from your mistakes and forge ahead with a new path and new life for yourself? Acknowledge Mistakes Instead of brushing it under the carpet or pretending it didn't happen or you didn't do it, admit when you've made a mistake. This act of acknowledging your mistakes is not a sign of weakness but a powerful step towards self-improvement. Apologising means you admit to making the mistake, you are owning up to it, and you regret it. All are important aspects of learning from your mistakes and a valuable tool for self-improvement. I teach people how and why to say SORRY in my BSA course. Get Feedback The people around you, either on the sidelines or involved in their mistakes, can be the best people to lean on when it comes to learning from your mistakes. Their feedback is not just about hearing what you want to hear. It's about opening your mind to new perspectives, behaviours, and ways of thinking that can help you make fewer future mistakes. This support system is crucial in your journey of self-improvement. Feedback is not just about hearing what you want to hear. It's about opening your mind to new perspectives, behaviours, and ways of thinking that can help you make fewer future mistakes. Remember, when asking for feedback, you need to be able to take it and use it constructively. Don't get upset if the feedback isn't what you want to hear; simply take heed and look at how you can make changes and work on improvements. Take Consequences Every action is going to have a consequence. Sometimes it will be a good one, other times not so great. Making mistakes will most definitely have consequences, and the severity of the mistake will be dependent on the mistake you make. If it's something serious involving you breaking the law, then your consequences will be more serious, i.e. a drug offence can create significant consequences you need to deal with, such as fines, a criminal record, jail time, loss of employment, etc. A mistake like spending too much money can lead to fewer necessities, hard times, and the inability to live your life as you want to until you earn more money. Identify Lessons Mistakes can show you where you need to improve your skills or education. It can also teach you how to be more mindful of others or teach you that you need to be moralistic. Finding the lessons, noting them, and paying attention to what you need to know or do can help you learn from your mistakes and become a better person. Ask for Help Help can come in many different ways. Mistakes carry different results and require different types of input depending on the type of mistake and the consequences of what occurred. When moving forward and making the appropriate changes, getting help and support from family and friends might be enough for you. You might find support from your employer is a better route to take, or support from a lawyer, doctor or therapist will be better for you. Identify the help on offer for the chances you need to make, then ask for it and use it to your advantage. Develop A Growth Mindset It's not about being perfect; it's about being better. And being better means you need to grow as a person to help you keep striving for better in your life. A growth mindset is part and parcel of learning and personal development. It will help you see the lessons you need to make and improve as you go. Embracing a growth mindset will fill your journey with optimism and possibilities. So allow yourself to make mistakes, learn from them, grow and connect. If you'd like help with how to do this 1:1 please contact me. |
AuthorsNeil Morbey is a meditation teacher, group facilitator and inspiration guide for Positively-Mindful.com Blog Index
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