Changing the old stories and old neural pathways with THE WORK

Contrary to the sound of it THE WORK is joyful and it feels great. Yes it is work, but in some ways this is the first narrative to change. Work is hard, bad, difficult is not true. That’s an old narrative. Work is joyfully challenging and feels great is a new narrative. Can we ever completely remove our old narratives and replace them in this way? This blog explores just that question. 

Byron Katie 
experienced a severe, decade-long battle with depression, agoraphobia, and self-loathing before experiencing a profound shift in her thinking in 1986. This shift, which she calls "awakening to reality," involved realizing that suffering stemmed from believing stressful thoughts, and that freedom came from questioning those thoughts. Prior to this, she had been living in a state of paranoia, rage, and suicidal ideation, often unable to leave her bed. Was this realization an overnight shift? HELL NO. But once the first narrative shifted (realising it was her thoughts, not her soul that was in error) then she began THE WORK and created a legacy that has helped millions of people. 

THE WORK
Consists of four questions and a turnaround. It invites us to be in the present moment, with a thought linked to a specific situation and to get curious about that thought. The end result can be that in the situation you get a DIS-CONFIRMING EXPERIENCE (Where the feeling state and outcome disconfirms the old belief) but also you add a few bricks to the new neural pathway. Do this many times over and the new pathway becomes a motorway. 

Will I get rid of the old neural pathway and pattern?
No, and you don’t want to. In England we have so many quaint old lanes, with grass growing in the middle of them. We didn’t destroy the old roads but instead they became less used, overgrown and now form part of the beauty of our countryside. In the same way your brain will maintain the old addictions, the old self-beliefs of shame and fear, but instead of those being the predominant patterns, they are more like old friends. You can have more choice about whether you go down them and more objectivity when you do, allowing you to reminisce or even find them beautiful. 

Parts analogy
Another way of thinking of these old patterns is like child-parts. The mini (or big) traumas of the past remain as upset children and their strategies for getting basic needs met. For example a bullied child has a need for feeling empowered and so alongside feelings of loneliness, shame and fear they develop a belief they need to be strong to be ok and then use strategies of aggression and arrogance. This child-part persists into adulthood, because it never received love and was never given a new job/strategy to meet the need. A strategy that is in alignment with the adult self. I call the beliefs and behaviours of the child-part SHADOW MISSIONS. They are the self sabotaging missions of the child-part that don’t align with how we want to be. The solution? Change the way we relate to these child-parts and give them new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving that align with the KIND WISE ADULT MISSIONS. 

How can we change the child-parts
It’s the same process as changing the neural pathways from old narratives into new updates paths and narratives. The only difference is we humanise it, which in my view is right and healthy. We see that we are not machines or roads or computers to be updated, but instead human beings, with vulnerabilities, emotions and deep senses of meaning. If we can being to relate to ourselves in this way, using re-parenting practices, journaling, therapy and creating disconfirming experiences in our real-life relationships then gradually we learn to love oeuvres, including all these child-parts. Then they don’t need to disappear, but instead become quieter, calmer and more aligned in their strategies with the adult self. 

The spiritual dimension
As well as being human many people believe we are also spiritual in nature, meaning we are bigger than just a body on a planet. Each person has their own belief around this and we can also explore this in coaching to build upon the beliefs in helpful ways. Let’s face it, people who believe in a compassionate god who is looking out for them and guiding them to be healthy members of society are generally happier and more functional. So as we explore these concepts we can actually tap into deep states of connection and spooky things can happen that can really test our assumptions of the physical world in ways that can be supportive for us and for the world. 

Deep coaching 
This is deep work and I believe that each person has their own path with it. My facilitation and coaching is not to tell people what is right or wrong, but to be alongside a person as they do the work, to hold their hand, to encourage them back on track when they falter and to enjoy the process with them. It’s a joy and privilege for me and I am lucky that I get to learn a lot from clients as we journey alongside one another. I called my business positively-mindful because that is the way I work. I focus positively - on what the client loves and wants, and I focus on mindfulness - being present with what is, with compassion and curiosity. 

If you’d like to do the deep work of coaching and develop yourself please get in touch here.

Big Love 
Neil 

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