Client Case Study - The SPACE of SAFER communication: Capacity

I’ve been working with Alex and Sarah for a few weeks and we’ve been getting into the use of SAFER communication - a tool to help in those times where vulnerable feelings need to be shared. The first step of SAFER is called Space; the tuning into the capacity of the moment. Am I able to hold this right now or do I need to pause? Is this physical space appropriate? (privacy, timing etc). Have I checked in if the other has the space to listen and is willing?

Space = Capacity
It is the crucial step that makes the key difference in communication. When we try to share and listen from a dysregulated nervous system we inevitably slip into our adapted child or critical parent roles (Transactional Analysis) or the roles of the Karpman Drama Triangle (Rescuer, Perpetrator, Victim). 
When we practice the tool of SAFER communication together we can actually use the rupture and repair process to build a deeper sense of understanding and love. Let’s look at Alex and Sarah’s session to get into it:

A Moment Of Rupture
Alex began. He described a moment that escalated far more quickly than either intended. What began as a brief, honest check-in turned into a familiar cycle of misunderstanding, emotional flooding, and role-locking.

“She asked how I was and I felt she was pushing for me to share, so I decided I’d take a risk and share a difficult truth…” 

Alex shared that, in a transitional moment at home, Sarah asked how he was feeling. He paused, tuned in, and chose to answer honestly but lightly: that he was feeling a bit low and wanting more fun and ease. What he was hoping for was a simple acknowledgement — something like 

“Thanks for telling me, I hear that… let’s talk more later- love you.”

Instead, Sarah yawned and leaned back. She rolled her eyes and became exasperated. Alex experienced this not as tiredness, but as dismissal. Old material was activated quickly. He reactively diagnosed it: (one of the five Ds of disconnection)

“Oh you’re having an emotional reaction to this?”

In the session he told me that he later recognised that this reaction came from fear and frustration rather than curiosity. This comment immediately shifted the tone from sharing into trigger and processing.

Key Moments to Check in with Space
Moments like this exist all the time. If either partner has the skill they can pause and tune in. But at this point, neither partner checked whether there was space — internally or relationally — for a deeper conversation. This was a key moment. Once nervous system capacity is exceeded, even good tools become mechanical rather than regulating.

Falling into emotionally reactive patterns and roles
Seeing Sarah begin to share her own frustration, Alex moved into a familiar rescuing role. This is an adaptive strategy from earlier life: when emotional intensity appears, he stabilises, listens, reassures, and attempts to fix by using the SAFER tool mechanically. He reflected Sarah’s concerns carefully, particularly around feeling overstimulated and wanting a more calm presence, and he offered reassurance and behavioural change.Throughout this he had no inner space and was gritting his teeth with the emotion of frustration. His voice was tight. 

Alex then moved straight into his own sharing without checking for his own or Sarah’s capacity. He expressed that he didn’t feel seen or heard, and that he’d been making extra efforts to support Sarah while she’d been unwell. All the while Sarah was becoming visibly emotional with upset and tears. Overwhelm and victimhood became her state. She used the first D of disconnection - ‘Defensively’ expressing that she already carries too much responsibility and has given appreciation in the past.

At this stage, the polarity locked in between them:

• Alex shifted into Critical Parent / Perpetrator — angry, despairing, globalising.
• Sarah moved deeper into Child / Victim — tearful, flooded, scarce on time.

These roles can quickly shift and if the argument escalated it could end up in reverse, such is the tragedy of the drama triangle. When we communicate this way all of our innocent feelings and needs are tragically expressed as blame and shame. 

Trying to bring it back with SAFER communication
They attempted to return to a structured communication tool, but neither had the nervous system flexibility to offer true empathy. Alex listened and reflected for several minutes, then asked for space to be heard. When he shared, the dominant feelings underneath were distrust, anger, and hopelessness — particularly the belief that he cannot share small, present-moment feelings without them escalating into something much larger.

He voiced this in a way that became a globalised judgment of Sarah’s capacity. 

“I just don’t think you’re capable of hearing me and reflecting in a calm way!”

Almost immediately, he recognised this as inaccurate and repaired verbally, acknowledging that she is capable and that his statement came from upset rather than truth.

Eventually, they agreed to pause and return to the conversation later. However, time scarcity triggered further distress for Sarah, who felt abandoned by the pause. Alex held a boundary — not to punish or withdraw, but to stop the spiral — and suggested they end with physical contact to regulate rather than rupture.

They hugged, acknowledging that fuller repair would need to happen later.

Reflections I Offered the Couple
The session was a retelling of the process and I listened calmly and celebrated each person in their self-awareness of the underlying patterns occurring. This couple have been working with me for long enough to begin to repair things and come back from blame quite easily now. Here was my summary:

• The initial sharing was appropriate and brave. Alex’s bid was small and deserved light acknowledgement, not immediate processing.
• The yawn wasn’t the problem — the meaning made of it was. Old dismissal wounds activated fear and urgency.
• The key missing step was checking for SPACE. Without capacity, curiosity collapses.
• Rescuing is an old survival strategy that is well intentioned but comes with the cost of self-abandonment.
• Once roles polarise, content becomes irrelevant. This was a nervous system issue, not a communication failure.
• Boundaries are not abandonment. Pausing escalation is an ADULT move, even when it triggers fear.
• Resentment is information. It points to unmet needs and unexpressed limits, not moral failure.
• Repair doesn’t require perfection — it requires regulation first.
• Pausing is actually a sign of care and wisdom, not rejection.

Summary
This rupture was not about fun, yawning, or appreciation. It was about capacity, timing, and safety. Both partners were trying to be met while already dysregulated. The system did what it always does under threat.

What stood out was Alex’s growing ability to notice his adaptations in real time, Sarah’s eventual willingness to pause rather than pursue, and the couple’s shared commitment to returning as Adults rather than winning in the moment

Follow-Up: Repair in the Following Session
The following week, Alex and Sarah returned to the moment with more regulation.

Alex began by naming the core vulnerability underneath his anger:

“What I needed at that moment was just to be heard lightly. When it escalated, I felt hopeless and unsafe to share small things.”

Sarah reflected this accurately without defending. She acknowledged that her yawn was a sign of overwhelm rather than disinterest, and that she often feels pressure when emotional conversations appear unexpectedly.

Together, they agreed on a new micro-repair:

• Brief emotional shares can be named as “low-stakes check-ins.”
• Either partner can ask, “Do you have space for more, or should we park it?”
• Pausing is framed as care, not rejection.

They ended the session with both partners expressing respect and appreciation — not for being right, but for staying in the work.

This repair didn’t erase the pattern, but it softened it. And that is how secure relating is built: not by avoiding rupture, but by repairing it cleanly, slowly, and with respect and dignity.

Would you like to be able to rupture and repair in a SAFER way?
If you’d like to level up your communication and connection with a partner or just in yourself there are a few options to work with me:

1. BSA: Building Secure Attachments: A few times a year I teach and practice these tools in a live group of 12 people over 12 weeks. Together we share our challenges and receive support within the group while I give a structured course in how to build secure attachment in yourself and with a partner or potential future partner. 
2. 1:1 coaching and counselling: I run individual sessions with a tailored approach to how you’d like to work, offering empathy, tools and powerful transformation. 
3. Relationship / Couples Coaching: If you’d like to work with me as a couple I can help be the calm voice of connection and teach tools together. 
   
4. Premium Monthly Mentoring: If you’d like to really boost your skills and receive the kind of guidance you’ve been longing for I offer a monthly package for unlimited access to me, whenever you need help. ​