Following The Gold Dust Of Our Trauma

We all have traumatic memories from our childhood. These are like gold dust — little clues that can lead us back to the treasure hidden inside our trauma. In this blog I want to tell the story of one of my recent discoveries, following the gold dust of… cuddly toys! Let me explain…

Also  I was listening to this song by a good friend Danny Emerson and I love it! Syncronicity is ofen a signal of the goldust leading us in the right direction, I think.  Listen as you read...

My Story
When I was about 11 years old and just beginning secondary school, I was having a hard time. I was finding that the other children were no longer playful and innocent like they were in my previous school. Instead, they were competitive, macho, and unpleasant. Bullying became a daily occurrence.
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Toughening up
As an impressionable boy needing to fit in, I made an internal decision to toughen up. It was around this time that my mum was worried about me, but she was also going through her own challenges with my father and my brother. Home life was difficult, and mum was fussing over me because she could see something was wrong. I clearly remember pushing her away and taking all of my cuddly toys (I had about 20!) and throwing them into bin bags for the charity shop.

At the time, I pushed down any feelings of sadness. This was something I felt I had to do to survive, but I wasn’t happy about it. Deep down, I was very sad.

I recall talking about this memory in therapy, and also during my counselling course. The trauma of “toughening up” was symbolised by the discarding of all of my cuddly toys. It’s a memory that sometimes brings me to tears.

Man Neil
Fast forward 30 years and I am now a stepdad to a wonderful little girl, and the partner of her mum, Claire. In the last four years this relationship has been both wonderful and challenging. I do a lot of personal development, which helps — but I think the simple fact of being in a committed relationship has been the most profound thing of all. It has stripped back my defences and is bringing me back to love.

The tragic truth is that since secondary school, I’ve hardly ever felt that soft, squishy love feeling.

Then, during one of my many distracting practices — scrolling Instagram videos — I came across Pulse of Potential: a wellbeing brand that makes tools for emotional support, including their popular weighted plush animals (sloths, pandas, and more). They’re designed to be comforting rather than “just cute” — something you can hold when you’re stressed, overwhelmed, lonely, anxious, or struggling to settle. The company positions them as simple, nervous-system-friendly supports, alongside journals and reflective resources, aimed at helping people feel safer in their bodies and more emotionally steady.

I was sold instantly.
I ordered the Cow and the Red Panda (because one has short hair and a big tail and looks soft, and the other has long hair and horns!). I couldn’t wait for them to arrive.

When they did, I was so happy. And then a little voice appeared: “What are you doing?! You’re a grown man. You’re not supposed to have fluffy toys!”

Even now, that voice brings me close to tears. It sounds like my father, and every bully I’ve ever encountered.
But the new man that I am embraced softness, tenderness, and soothing. I’m not afraid of being labelled weak anymore.

That night I held Cow and Red close and cried. I chose cuddling Claire instead of scrolling and porn. I realised my nervous system has been longing for a safe way to choose co-regulation through cuddles. I slept like a contented baby. I woke with a new realisation of how much this means to me.

In the coming days, Claire’s daughter returned and fell in love with Red. I offered it to her to sleep with. It was adorable, and I sometimes watched her sleeping with Red, and it was genuinely beautiful.

After two nights, though, I realised something else.

My inner child wanted Red back — and felt sad that I had bought them for myself, but then given them away. It was a weird inner conflict between my inner parent (who loved seeing this little girl love the panda) and my own inner boy, who longed to be valued too.

Since then, Claire and I have talked with Seren, and we’re modelling how adults — and men — can have vulnerable feelings. We’ve included her in our choices, and we’re now ordering another one just for her, so I can keep Red for myself.

This kind of self-love feels so alien to the old version of me. I think of my father and his disapproving glare. I think of the people who will judge this blog as pathetic.

I hold all that inside and I say, “Thank you.”

Because I realise now those voices make me even more dedicated to my mission: helping men soften their hearts and return to love — to co-regulation, to asking for their sensitive needs to be seen, heard, and respected.

Most of all, to realise that this is an inner game: meeting the internal parents, bullies, and painful messaging with love, compassion, and committed action.

I am so grateful for the gold dust of my trauma.
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Thank you.