Why and how to regulate your nervous system

​This blog is inspired by work with my therapist and by the article:"Your Brain’s 3 Emotion Regulation Systems" from .​mi-psych.com.au

Also known as the three-systems model, comes from Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), developed by Professor Paul Gilbert.

I've always struggled with this stuff, and I've come to realise we all do, because we are trying to fit into a medicalised, capitalised system of living that doesn't acknowledge or teach us about how our emotions work. I've been lucky enough to find a relationship and a therapist that is showing me another way - a way where I can respond in healthy ways to my own and others emotional upsets.

  First it's important to understand the theory of: 

Three Emotion Regulation Systems

1. Threat System
   It's so important to detect threats - but remember this is activated by 'perceived' dangers (not necessarily REAL danger), triggering emotions like anxiety, anger, or shame. It prepares the body for "fight, flight, or freeze" responses. While essential for survival, chronic activation can lead to heightened stress and emotional dysregulation. We are living in a world filled with propaganda, bad news and 'misinformation'. If its not Hollywood movies then it is excerpts of short videos that don't tell the truth, but sure do a good job at pretending to. 
   
   
2. Drive System
   We all intrinsically want to grow, learn, create and relate. We are motivated to pursue goals and rewards, this system elicits feelings of excitement and pleasure. However, overreliance on achievement for self-worth can result in burnout and dissatisfaction. We also have to ask ourselves 'why am I pursuing these things? Is it REALLY important to me? If not, what is important to me?' We are surrounded by Hollywood sterotypes, adverts, propaganda and external pressures that can be confusing. What is your true self driven towards?
   
   
3. Soothe System
   When Harry Harlow studied baby monkeys he realised they NEEDED soothing as much as food. A sense of calm, safety, and contentment that the Soothing System provides is essential in regulating the other two systems. It is nurtured through self-compassion and supportive relationships. Unfortunately, individuals with histories of trauma or neglect may find this system underdeveloped or difficult to access. Plus we live in a world filled with macho propaganda, glorified violence and we still alienate vulnerability in our culture. 
   
   

How They Interact Problematically

1. Overactivation of the Drive System + Threat System

What happens:
In modern life, many people overuse the Drive System to escape uncomfortable feelings triggered by the Threat System. For example: feeling not good enough (Threat) → overworking to achieve success (Drive) → brief reward → burnout, anxiety, or shame when goals are not met → back to Threat.

How it feels:

• Restlessness, chronic dissatisfaction, anxiety, low self-worth.
• “I must achieve to be safe/loved” mindset.
  
  

​ Example:
A person constantly works late to avoid feelings of failure. The temporary high of achievement masks deeper insecurities, but when praise or results stop, the Threat System reactivates with shame or fear.

2. Underdevelopment of the Soothe System

What happens:
When the Soothe System is weak (common in people with trauma, neglect, or high-pressure environments), there’s no “emotional brake.”
You can get stuck swinging between Threat and Drive, with no inner safety or contentment.

How it feels:

• Exhaustion, inner harshness, inability to relax,
• inability to self-comfort or accept kindness.

Example:
Someone tries to meditate but feels anxious or like they’re “wasting time” — because they don’t yet know how to feel safe doing nothing or being compassionate to themselves.

3. Threat Hijacks Both Systems

What happens:
The Threat System can hijack both Drive and Soothe:
It turns Drive into compulsive striving.
It blocks Soothe with fear of vulnerability (“If I relax, I’ll lose control or fail”).

How it feels:

• Always on edge. Even joyful or restful moments are short-lived or feel unsafe.
• Internal critical voice often dominates (a function of the Threat System).

How to Find Balance Among the Three Systems

✅ 1. Build Awareness of the Three Modes

• Start labeling which system you're in: "Am I chasing something (Drive)? Avoiding something (Threat)? Or nurturing myself (Soothe)?
• This creates space between feeling and reaction.
  
  
  

✅ 2. Strengthen the Soothe System Daily

• Not easy if you haven't been shown compassion, but... 
• Regular self-soothing practices: warm baths, calming breathwork, time in nature, self-compassion meditations.
• Practicing loving-kindness or compassion-focused therapy techniques helps rewire the brain to feel safe and cared for.
  
  

✅ 3. Use Soothing to Regulate the Other Two

• Not easy when you haven't been shown how, but...
• When you notice yourself stuck in Drive or Threat:
• Pause and activate the Soothe System.
• Even 30 seconds of slow breathing with one hand on the heart can reset your state.
  
  

✅ 4. Set Boundaries with the Drive System

• Not easy, especially with ADHD and other conditions, but..
• Recognize when you're using goals or tasks to avoid feelings.
• Choose "values-based" actions over "achievement-based" actions to avoid burnout.
  
  

✅ 5. Reframe the Inner Critic

• Not easy if your critic is well embedded, but...
• Realize the inner critic is part of the Threat System trying to protect you.
• Respond with compassion instead of aggression or shame. E.g., “I hear you’re scared. I’ve got this.”
  
  

✅ 6. Balance Drive with Soothe-Based Success

• Pair goal-chasing with restorative practices. E.g., pursue your goals but also schedule time for joyful, unproductive rest.
• Success is more sustainable when grounded in a calm, secure base.
  
  

✅ 7. Therapeutic Support

• Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) or Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) are great for reshaping these systems.
• Especially helpful for developing a functional Soothe System in those with trauma or attachment wound

 In Summary:

• When Threat and Drive dominate, we suffer from anxiety, burnout, and disconnection.
• The Soothe System is not optional — it's essential.
• The goal isn’t to turn off Threat or Drive, but to balance them with the Soothe System, so we can pursue goals with peace, face fear with self-kindness, and feel safe in our own minds.

I help people with this 1:1 and in relationships and in groups. I run Building Secure Attachments a few times a year to equip people with the skills and tools to do just this.