Why I’m done with the 'cult of self improvement' and Goenka's rigid Vipassana

Ahh my second attempt at the Goenka 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat... I was so excited and nervous. 10 years ago I had such a mind blowing time  (read about it here) and this time I wanted to stay the full 10 days as a dopamine detox, an opportunity to practice self care and to tend to my mind and body. It was the final step in my three pronged approach to coming away from cynicism and back to love.  So it may surprise you to hear that I left at the end of day 5, once again!

Here is what happened and why it's changed my mind about Goenka...

INTENTIONS
I've heard and read about some horror stories of people having mental breakdowns at Vipassana, or not integrating well back into society, people accidently harming their bodies trying to sit still and pushing themselves too much (including a close friend of mine) and also some stories of people being indoctrinated into the lifestyle of working harder and harder for many years, to their later regret.
With this knowledge I chose set an intention to go easy on myself,  practice loving mindsets and exercises, which would also involve bending the rules slightly; to allow myself to journal, as I felt this would enhance my experience. I also brought a book on mindfulness (Wherever You Go, There You Are, by JKZ) so I could read in the evening before bed. Finally I threw in massage oil, an exercise mat and my massage balls. I wanted a slightly adapted retreat that allowed me to connect to my my goals whilst doing the meditations. 

A BAD START
Day one was awful. I forgot how irritating I find Goenka with his guttural chanting every single day and the evening discourses of nonsense, endless bad analogies, reiterating of the rules, telling us how miserable life is and how ‘true’ liberation can only be found here. The insistence of the scientific and objective nature of  it all and the reiteration “you can only experience it for yourself, but only if you follow all the rules scrupulously”.  Whilst I suspect he is right I felt a lot of resistance.
After a tiring day of sitting uncomfortably and meditating I laid down in my dorm bed ready to sleep when the loudest snoring I’ve ever heard, or even thought possible, began just beyond the curtain in the next cubicle. 
Sleep deprived I entered into day 2 but found I enjoyed meditation time. This is the one saving grace for me - I like to meditate, which is something I do daily and have done for 12 years. I just subscribe to a sense of taking your time and accepting ourselves with love, instead of thrashing ourselves in some self-defeating pursuit of enlightenment. 

THE GOENKA BRAIN WASHING - PART OF THE CULT OF CHASING ENLIGHTENMENT 
Zooming out for a moment - I think the world has many ideological cults of self harm in the name of self improvement and in my opinion spiritual teachers like Goenka epitomise that. I don't think his intentions bad, he certainly wasn't asking for lots of money, but he did become extremely famous and vanity is a powerfully dark motivator. The real trick is ideological. Once you've done a Vipassana you're hooked into the ideology and, like a cult, you seek to propagate it to buttress your own beliefs.
Many Goenka disciples spend many months serving at the courses and maintaining the retreat centres, all of them are sitting in meditation many hours a day and hoping to achieve the next level of liberation, or 'enlightenment'. This can occupy years of their lives, often making it difficult  to do things that might bring healthy balance, like relationships, dance, creativity, learning. I know people who've done this and told me they were very depressed in that time. 

IS IT A CULT?
Not really. They're not extorting money, but they are creating some subtle manipulations that force people to think that they NEED to do this stuff to be liberated.  Don't get me wrong, it's nice to upskill ourselves, but there is a limit to healthy and balanced self improvement and then I think there is a global cult of self improvement, which I felt Goenka neatly falls into. Here are the definitions of a cult (source):

1. Easy and readymade answers (along with recipes for a change) to life’s biggest and complex questions which are very appealing especially when you are emotionally vulnerable.
2. High level of commitment towards a leader or an ideology.
3. Us versus them. Right and wrong. ‘This is the only right way, they are wrong’.
4. Strict hierarchy where the common person is separated from the inner workings of the organisation.
5. Complete obedience and no tolerance towards reason, rational thought and critical thinking.
6. The pyramid scheme: earlier members recruit new ones.
7. The guilt coercion leading to a belief that struggling through this technique will totally transform you. This is done through repetition of: “Your life sucks”, “All of the life is a misery, and I have the answer. You need to improve. We are here to help you.”​

Never in your life, you’ll hear the word misery so many times in a span of a few days, irrespective of whether you are going through hardships in life or not. They create the notion that life is a misery and they also give you the answer." -  Meillind Parsoya

GOENKA PSYCHOLOGY 
I know a lot of my dislike of Goenka is my own 'Sankhara' - my own personal patterns, including an addictive craving of fun stimulus. Yet still I find many of the ways of silly rules, pointless repetitions and clever use of story and metaphor somewhat psychologically manipulative. The  discourses are particularly full of dogma and they are always in the evening, when people are tired and suggestable. Of course isolated in 'noble silence' and not to write anything down, so it is very difficult to question or discuss anything. This article goes even deeper into the psychology at play but here are some highlights:

• He gains your trust by saying that you should question things. He later preaches that his technique is pure (unquestionable). 
• He makes fun of religious practices to both relate to those who are non-religious and to say that what he is doing is superior.  Paraphrased: 'Religions get away from what the original meaning of the teachings, but this technique is pure and doesn’t do that'. Ummm... ok. 
• He talks about the people who leave as being weak minded. Implies that we who stay are strong-minded and creates judgement towards those who leave. 

I perceived this 'brain washing' 10 years ago during my first attempt, but this time I wanted to check my doubts and try again and see if I could just ignore the cognitive dissonances and allow myself 10 days of meditation practice. 

BREAKING THE RULES
Back to my story - On the evening of day 2 I snuck out to my car and grabbed my phone and Bluetooth earbuds, mainly to allow me to sleep.  From then on I broke more and more rules. I  stayed in bed until 6:30am, to miss the 4:30am meditation. I did my own exercise, self massage and read my book to reflect and take care of myself. I even snuck a bowl of the daily lunch away to (hide in my room, so I could eat a proper meal at 5pm. 
In the meditation hall I hid my earbuds under my hat so that, as he continued chanting and chattering away, I could have music or an audiobook.
I also chose to leave the site (not allowed) each lunchtime for long walks, so I could exercise properly and also so I could sing! I really enjoyed these times and found restricting my voice for so long quite upsetting.   
It was all very deceptive, which felt fun, exhilarating, but not in alignment with a mindfulness practice at all. I was growing more concerned that I'd shot myself in the foot and was not really giving this retreat a proper go. 

LEAVING 
The reason I did the course is to meditate. I love meditation. But Goenka spends 3 days focusing on one spot (nose breathing) and then the rest of the time doing quick body scans, over and over and over. No visualising or using mantras allowed. Plus the dogma, plus the silly rules and silence... I found this intolerable, so I did my own 'loving kindness' meditations focused on all my fellows struggling around me. I also did my style of body scanning, gratitude practice and body visualisations. My meditations are usually 15 minutes, or 30 minutes at most, whereas Goenka asks us to sit for up to 2 hrs sometimes.  I was really enjoying the varied meditations, but didn't like the deceptions. Clearly I was on another path and I began to doubt if being here was a good idea.  I realised that with all the rules I was breaking I way out of integrity and not getting benefit from Goenka's style.
I have a fear of being perceived as a failure, which would be a purely egoic reason to stay, so I decided to face my fear and fail hard. I  decided I should  just go home, to my beautiful partner, house and food and practice my own way there. What a failure! ;)

MY WAY
As I reflect I can see I wasn’t really up for the Goenka style and I don't trust his techniques and perhaps I'm just not capable enough or ready yet. But I believe there are many paths to fulfilment in life and many ways to enjoy meditation and mindfulness.  I know of other retreat centres that are more humble and more open minded and I also remember I can meditate perfectly well at home.
Today I did a lovely 15 minutes meditation and gratitude practice to connect and settle mind and body and I went for a run and did some lovely stretching and exercising whilst listening to the seminal audiobook ‘Breathe’ by James Nestor.
I love this - I don’t have to go through 5 more days of deception or listening to nonsense. I can just enjoy life as it is, right now. It’s not all miserable Mr Goenka and I don’t need your style of Vipassana to be liberated.  I'm also aware that I may not be ready for what he's offering and perhaps I might be in the future able to tune into the essence of the practice, which I think is good.

SUMMARY
I want to add some big appreciation to the managers, teachers and servers at the retreat centre. It’s an amazing place and I still think there is so much in what they offer, but if you go it is essential that you are already somewhat grounded mentally and physically. If you follow the rules it’s a lot of time with just you and your mind, with no one to help you process or emote. I think it's likely you'll come to one of three conclusions:

1. Maybe he’s right and I’m wrong and go down that path, no matter how painful, horrible and sickening it is.
2. I just came here to meditate, so I can ignore all the nonsense and just do that.
3. I am sick of this nonsense, I’m leaving! 

I tried to do #1 and I tried to do #2, but in the end I’m settling on #3 - so I am off to enjoy my week of mindful activities, free to enjoy myself and meditate my way. I doubt I'll be back, but you never know. The cult of self-improvement and chasing enlightenment can be very convincing, especially when times are hard - so I'll have to remember three of my favourite spiritual teachers from the Lion King and their mantra: "Hakuna Matata" - it means no worries.