Yesterday, a breakthrough moment in couples therapy cracked open something profound for me.

My partner and I were discussing the material realities of our relationship. The facts are clear and uncontested: she earns significantly more than I do, contributes more financially, and has a biological child from a previous relationship. We don’t hide from these imbalances, nor do we resent them.

Yet, as we sat with our therapist, the conversation naturally flowed past the balance sheets and into deeper waters: the inescapable pull of masculine and feminine archetypes.

As two fiercely progressive, left-leaning, queer-friendly, kinky, and bisexual people, we deeply value autonomy and equality. We have zero interest in the rigid, oppressive scripts of the 1950s. Yet, sitting in that room, it became undeniable: history, biology, and evolution don’t simply vanish just because we wish them away with modern politics.
​
I am a man in a large male body, carrying the unique privileges and physical burdens that come with it. She is a woman in a smaller body, raising a child, navigating her own physical and cultural realities. These differences shape us. The question isn't whether the archetypes exist, but how we choose to relate to them consciously.

Playing with the Archetype vs. Bearing the Burden

Historically, the archetypal masculine has worn the mantle of protector and provider. Because of our financial setup, my partner has had to shoulder a massive portion of that load and she feels the weight of it, as anyone would.

To cope with these dynamics, we play. We lean into the polarity. She might playfully admire my strength when I’m stacking the woodpile; I might bring her flowers, write her tender love letters, or take her out for dinner. In our private world, we dance with these energies through kink, romance, and role reversals. It’s fun, erotic, and deeply connective. It allows us to visit the archetypes without being trapped by them.

But beneath the play, a deeper territory was calling to me. I realised that keeping the masculine strictly in the realm of "play" was allowing me to avoid something vital.

Healing the Peter Pan Wound

If I am honest, I have carried a form of arrested development since I was about fifteen years old. Trauma, chaotic home life, and severe bullying left me with what is often called Peter Pan Syndrome.

This survival mechanism gave me some beautiful gifts: playfulness, curiosity, charm, creativity, and a certain lightness of being. But it came with a steep price: an avoidant nervous system, a fear of long-term obligation, and a chronic avoidance of adult responsibility. I never felt "ready" for children because the Neverland in my mind demanded freedom without burden.

But life has a way of inviting us forward. Becoming a stepfather has been a revelatory, ego-shattering experience. It has invited me to grow beyond myself and serve something larger than my own immediate comfort.

For the first time, I am sensing that stepping into the archetypal masculine isn't a chore or a societal performance. It is a conscious choice. Coaxing out the protector, the provider, the builder, and the anchor within myself isn’t a regression into caveman dominance—it is an alignment with my nature. And it brings benefits I am only just beginning to taste: groundedness, capability, and a profound sense of purpose.

Primal Nature and the Trap of Modern Safetyism

Humans suffer uniquely because our minds can divorce us from our bodies. Animals live entirely within their true nature—a lion hunts, protects, and stakes territory according to millions of years of instinct. There is pain in their world, but there is also total alignment.

Modern culture, rightfully, has insulated us with safety nets: civil rights, technology, social scaffolding, and corporate comfort. These are blessings that reduce suffering, but they also possess a dark side: they can trap us in a state of prolonged adolescence. They keep us soft, anxious, and disconnected from our full power.

When my avoidant nervous system feels overwhelmed by modern life, I tend to shut down and reach for quick intensity—screens, pornography, impulsive distractions, and novelty. But therapy helped me look beneath the surface of those addictive patterns.

I am not actually searching for cheap dopamine. I am hungry for the primal masculine.

For millions of years, the male body evolved to hunt, build, protect the tribe, and exert physical strength in service of others. Simultaneously, the female body evolved for gestation, nursing, and deeply receptive, nurturing roles. These aren't moral judgments or hierarchies; they are observable evolutionary realities.

When we are completely cut off from those ancient blueprints, a restless emptiness sets in. We become hungry for intensity because we just want to feel alive.

Reclaiming the Ancient While Living the Modern

I have no desire to become a rigid, traditional patriarch. That would be entirely inauthentic to who I am. Instead, the path forward is one of radical integration:

• Choice over Coercion: I am leaning into masculine energy not because I "should," but because it feels developmentally aligning.
• Teamwork through Differentiation: My partner shouldn't have to carry the provider burden alone. I can step up in practical, material, and emotional ways that honor my strength and capability.
• Play and Polarity: We keep the kink, the love letters, the reversals, and the tenderness. Polarity thrives on contrast, not uniformity.
• Choosing Challenge over Comfort: Actively seeking out responsibility and service rather than hiding in perpetual comfort.

Maturity does not mean the death of Peter Pan. It simply means Peter Pan finally realizes that commitment, responsibility, and service can be the greatest adventures of all.

The Power of Alignment

When I tune into that primal current—protecting, providing, building, and serving—it feels right in my bones. It quiets the restless searching. It makes me a better partner, a more grounded stepfather, and a more integrated human being.
​
My partner and I are writing a brand new script. One that honours the ancient archetypes without being enslaved by them. One that allows us to be fully modern, progressive, and free, while touching something ancient, primal, and true.

Are you navigating the tension between modern progress and biological blueprints? Do you struggle to balance playfulness with responsibility?

If you are ready to step out of the Peter Pan trap, rigid gender roles and heal your anxious / avoidant patterns, and consciously claim your own version of grounded adult power, I’d love to support you.

Contact me today for a coaching session, and let's take that next step together.

There is a strange, intoxicating comfort in doing absolutely nothing.
​
When you aren’t actively creating, writing, or building, your potential remains completely unlimited. In the safety of your own head, you are a masterpiece in progress. You could be a novelist, a filmmaker, a painter, or a brilliant entrepreneur. You contain all these different, dazzling versions of yourself at once—and the best part? None of them have failed yet.

We talk a lot about the fear of judgement or the fear of failure. But there is a quieter, heavier fear that we rarely name: the fear of being finite.

It is the terror of choosing one path and, in doing so, watching the door close on a hundred others.

The Comfort of the Infinite

To go from someone who can be anything to someone who does this one specific thing feels like a loss. The moment you pick up the pen, or the paintbrush, or commit to the project, you have to let go of the comforting illusion that you can do it all.

Suddenly, you are no longer a creature of infinite possibilities; you are a person sitting in a room, wrestling with a single, messy reality.

And then the doubt creeps in: What if the thing I choose turns out to be smaller than the grand idea I had of it? What if the reality of being a writer is more frustrating, more mundane, and less magical than the dream of being one?

To protect ourselves from that disappointment, we stay in the realm of potential. We tell ourselves we’re just gathering inspiration, or waiting for the right moment, or staying open to all options.

Potential Doesn’t Keep You Company

But here is the truth we eventually have to face: The un- lived versions of yourself don’t actually keep you company. They just keep you stagnant.

Holding onto endless potential feels like safety, but it’s actually a cage. A life spent protecting what you could do isn't a creative life. It’s just a highly sophisticated, incredibly elaborate way of waiting to feel ready.
And the harshest secret of the creative process? That feeling of being completely "ready" never actually comes.

[ Unlimited Potential ] ---> Static, Safe, Unchanging
       VS.
[ The Finite Choice ]   ---> Messy, Vulnerable, Alive

Choosing the Living over the Imagined

It is far better to be finite and actively living than to be a ghost holding onto a treasure chest of unopened potential.

Yes, choosing one path means letting go of others. It means accepting that you might not be everything to everyone, or even everything to yourself. But it also means you finally get to exist in reality. A flawed, finished project on a desk is infinitely more valuable than a perfect, unwritten masterpiece in an armchair.
Maybe the answer to a creative life isn't about chasing every single possible version of yourself. Maybe it’s much simpler than that.

Maybe it’s just about learning to begin one.
​
What is the one version of yourself you are ready to start living today?

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We live in a culture that loves to tell us to “follow your heart” and “trust your gut.” We are taught that our desires are the compass of our lives. But anyone who has ever text an ex at 2 a.m., bought something they couldn't afford, or found themselves trapped in a cycle of self-sabotage knows that our feelings aren’t always reliable narrators.

This leaves us facing a deeply frustrating paradox. On one hand, modern psychology tells us to treat emotions simply as data—neutral bits of information to be observed, not absolute truths to be acted upon. But on the other hand, wanting something is, by its very nature, an emotional response.

If we reduce all emotions to mere "data," how do we ever truly know what we want? If we can’t trust the feeling of desire, how do we build a life that feels authentic and fulfilling?

The answer lies not in ignoring our desires, but in learning how to decode them. It requires us to stop treating every craving as an absolute truth, and instead start distinguishing between a genuine soul-need and a shadowy urge.

The Spectrum of Desire: Wholesome vs. Shadowy

To navigate this paradox, we have to recognise that "wanting" is not a monolith. There is a profound difference between a desire born out of alignment and a desire born out of a wound.

• The Wholesome Desires: These are the things we want because we cherish them. They feel life-giving, loving, and beautiful. When you pursue a wholesome desire, it feeds your soul, brings you closer to others, and builds a sustainable, healthy life. It’s rooted in what you genuinely need to thrive.
• The Shadowy Desires: These are the urges, the cravings, the fetishes, and the obsessions. They feel urgent, heavy, and consuming. Often, these desires are a mask for a deeper pain. They are an attempt to self-soothe, escape, or sabotage.

When you find yourself intensely wanting something, it is time to ask the hard question: What would a really beautiful, wholesome life look like for me? Am I actually wanting that, or am I wanting a shadowy, unhealthy, sabotaging set of things?

When Emotion is Just "Information"

If your honest answer to that question is that your current "want" is a bit shadowy, don't panic or shame yourself. This is exactly where the concept of "emotions as data" becomes a superpower.

When a craving or an obsessive urge arises, it is coming from a wounded place. It’s an alarm bell, not a roadmap. If you treat that urge as truth, you will act on it and likely perpetuate a cycle of regret. But if you treat it as information, you can step back and say, "Ah, look at how badly I want to escape right now. Look at how anxious I am. This urge is telling me that I am hurting, lonely, or scared."

In those moments, you might feel completely disconnected from the wisest, highest version of yourself. You might feel like a storm of impulses. But even in the chaos, you usually have an inkling—a tiny, quiet whisper—that tells you these current wants are not coming from a healthy place. Hold onto that inkling.

Stepping Into the Wise Adult

Moving from craving to clarity takes time. It requires you to gently pull yourself back into what psychologists call the "Wise Adult"—the kind, calm, and loving part of yourself.
The Wise Adult is the parent your inner child always needed. The Wise Adult:

• Knows how to set loving limits. (e.g., "I know you want to scroll for another hour or text that person because you feel lonely, but we aren't going to do that because it hurts us.")
• Moves toward things that are healthy, good, and wholesome.
• Meets your actual needs rather than keeping you trapped in a loop of endless craving and aversion.

You don't have to be a slave to every emotion that passes through you, nor do you have to numb yourself to your desires. By separating what is life-giving from what is merely a craving, you can stop living in a state of emotional reactivity. You can start treating your wounds with data, and your soul with the wholesome, beautiful life it actually deserves.

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We live in a culture that sells relationships as the ultimate comfort food. We're told our "other half" should be a human spa day—endlessly validating us, healing our past, and agreeing with our every mood.
But anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship knows the truth: sometimes, love feels less like a spa and more like a mirror you didn't ask to look into.

Real connection isn't just about finding someone who thinks you do no wrong. It’s about building a space where you can evolve. Relationships are our greatest catalysts for personal growth—but that doesn’t mean they have to be all work and no play.

My journey with this
​
For me personally I know that I have something of a Peter Pan syndrome. I was sort of stuck at age 17 when quite a lot of trauma happened at secondary school and so my adapted child parts have always resisted responsibility and mundane activities and thus I haven't had children And I resist having a family but also it means that I haven't fully stepped into financial independence and taking full responsibility for my own life. 
In the last five years I've met a woman who invited me into a polyamorous relationship. Plus she has a young child and I got to experience what it's like to be a father. This has helped me to grow up big time. Plus we've done a lot of relationship counselling and I've done many retreats and trainings looking at relationships. This has really helped me to grow up personally and it's still a challenge. 

So here are my ideas about how to navigate the deep, transformative waters of love while still remembering to enjoy the swim.

1. Expecting Growth, Not Endless Validation: It’s easy to think a good relationship is one where we are constantly applauded. But the therapists who study the architecture of love tell a different story. The renowned relationship expert Harville Hendricks famously noted:
"Relationships are meant to expose the unconscious wounds, not just validate us endlessly."
When your partner triggers you, it’s usually not because they are inherently malicious; it's because they have accidentally stepped on an old, unhealed emotional landmine from your past. If we expect relationships to only be a source of validation, we will run away the moment things get uncomfortable.

The Joy Flip: When we accept that friction is actually a sign of growth, we can stop taking every disagreement so personally. It relieves the pressure of perfection. You can laugh at your own messiness and say, "Ah, there's that old wound again," instead of turning every minor conflict into a relationship crisis.And if we really take on personal growth, I like to use the quote from the film Triple X: "I live for the shit." 

2. The Paradox of Acceptance: So, how do we actually change those ugly parts of ourselves that relationships expose? Ironically, it’s not by beating ourselves up or demanding our partner change. It starts with self-compassion. The pioneer of humanistic psychology, Carl Rogers, penned what is perhaps the most freeing paradox in psychology:

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

In a relationship, this means stopping the exhausting game of pretending you have it all together. When you and your partner can look at your flaws and say, "Yep, this is where I’m at right now," the defenses drop.
The Joy Flip: Acceptance is incredibly light. It allows you to inject humor and playfulness back into the dynamic. You can stop walking on eggshells and start enjoying each other's actual, flawed presence, rather than acting like robots trying to pass a relationship inspection.

3. Authenticity vs. Emotional Entitlement: In the modern dating world, "authenticity" is a massive buzzword. We are told to always speak our truth and be our raw selves. But psychotherapist Esther Perel offers a crucial reality check on this concept:

"Relationships fail when people confuse authenticity with emotional entitlement."

Being authentic doesn’t give us a license to dump our unfiltered moods, tantrums, and harsh words onto our partners under the guise of "just being honest." True authenticity requires filter and care. It’s about expressing your needs while remaining deeply considerate of the person holding your heart.

The Joy Flip: When you trade emotional entitlement for mutual respect, the relationship stops feeling like an emotional minefield. Safety returns. And when a relationship feels safe, it becomes a playground where you can flirt, tease, and genuinely have fun again. It's a lot about timing and if we can be a bit like a surfer, we can learn to ride the waves, sometimes fall off, and recognize that all of those times we fall off are opportunities to get even better. When I teach people how to slackline, I actually teach them how to fall off and enjoy falling off then it's easy peasy. 

4. Breaking the Safe (But Damaging) Loops: If growth and joy sound great, why do we resist them so much? Why do we keep repeating the same arguments about the dishes or the text messages? John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, explained our stubborn attachment to the status quo:

"People resist change because familiar patterns feel emotionally safe even when they’re damaging."
If you grew up in a chaotic household, chaos feels like home. If you grew up with emotional distance, distance feels safe. Breaking these patterns is terrifying because it forces us into the unfamiliar.

The Joy Flip: Choosing growth means deliberately stepping into new, healthier territory. It might feel weird at first to have a calm conversation instead of a screaming match, or to receive a compliment without deflecting it. But on the other side of that unfamiliarity is the ultimate prize: peace. And peace is the fertile soil where true, unadulterated joy grows. 

The Takeaway: It’s a Dance, Not a Boot Camp: Relationships are a crucible for growth. They will challenge you, stretch you, and force you to confront the parts of yourself you’d rather ignore.
But never forget that the point of fixing the engine is to actually drive the car. We do the hard emotional work so that we can experience the breathtaking highs of intimacy, the belly laughs over inside jokes, and the quiet comfort of being truly known.

Allow your relationship to grow you—but don't forget to let it make you happy, too. Enjoy the ride baby. 
If you want some help in your relationship, helping it to grow or helping you to enjoy the ride, drop me an email. Neil@Positively-Mindful.com

We hear it everywhere: listen to your body, slow down, rest more. And yes—there is wisdom in that.

But taken blindly, even good advice can become a trap.

For me, modern life has made laziness easier than ever. Comfort is always available. Distraction is one click away. If I “listen to myself” too literally in certain moments, I don’t end up resting wisely—I end up scrolling, procrastinating, numbing out, or spiralling into negative thinking.

That’s why I believe there is another practice we need to reclaim:

Pushing through.

Not in a harsh, self-destructive way. Not ignoring genuine exhaustion or pain. But in the sense of building the capacity to act even when you don’t feel like it.

The real art is balance.

There is a sweet spot between listening to your body and leading your body. Between softness and discipline. Between rest and effort.

The First Push: Just Start

For me, ADHD can make simple tasks strangely difficult. I can become overwhelmed by options, stuck in analysis paralysis, or pulled toward ten different jobs at once because my mind thinks that’s “efficient.”

It isn’t.

It creates clutter in my head, clutter in my workspace, and frustration in my life.

So the first practice of pushing through is simple:

Just start.

Not perfectly. Not strategically. Not after one more hour of thinking.

Just begin.

My phrase for this year has been:

Immediacy over optimisation.

Because endless optimisation is often fear wearing clever clothes.

Building New Pathways

Every time you follow through on something difficult, you are doing more than completing a task.

You are training your nervous system.
You are building new neural pathways.
You are becoming someone who trusts themselves.

Each action says:

I do what I say I’ll do

I can handle resistance

I am capable of change

My habits do not own me


That matters.

Decisions Are Powerful

This morning, lying in bed, I realised I need clearer rules for my evenings.

Not vague hopes. Not “I should.” Not “maybe later.”

Decisions.

For example:

I will play guitar for 20 minutes every evening and write down one song in full.

That sentence carries energy because it is clear.

A decision backed by action becomes identity.

What About Shame?

Of course, there’s another side to this.

If I don’t follow through, I may feel disappointed. I may feel shame. I may judge myself.

But honestly? I’d rather feel the sting of missing the mark than the emptiness of never aiming at all.

Sometimes discomfort is part of growth.

The goal isn’t to drown in shame—it’s to let it guide you back into alignment.

Discipline Equals Freedom

There’s a phrase I love:

Discipline equals freedom.

At first it sounds backwards. But it’s true.

Discipline frees you from chaos.
It frees you from mood-dependence.
It frees you from being ruled by your impulses.
It frees you to create the life you actually want.

A Challenge for You

What do you want to build?

What habit, skill, relationship, or life is waiting on the other side of consistency?

And what would it look like to stop wishing—and start deciding?

What will you commit to with 100% honesty?

Because pushing through is not punishment.

It is practice.

​

​There are relationship books that teach communication techniques.
There are books that explain attachment theory.
And then there are books that quietly change the way you understand human closeness itself.
Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin is one of those books.
At its core, the book makes a surprisingly simple argument:
Most relationship problems are nervous-system problems before they are character problems.
That idea alone can soften years of shame.
Instead of seeing ourselves as “too needy,” “too distant,” “too emotional,” or “bad at relationships,” Tatkin suggests that many of us are simply trying to survive intimacy using strategies we learned long ago. (Kellen Mental Health)
For anyone who grew up emotionally unsafe, unpredictable, neglected, criticised, engulfed, abandoned, or unseen, love does not automatically feel relaxing. Sometimes love feels dangerous.
And this book is really about that question:
How do we help the body feel safe enough to love?
The Central Insight: We Are Wired For Both Love And WarTatkin blends attachment theory, neuroscience, and couples therapy into a practical framework. He explains that the same nervous system designed to keep us alive can easily turn intimate relationships into battlegrounds. (Kellen Mental Health)
When we feel threatened in relationship, the primitive brain takes over:

• fight
• flee
• freeze
• shut down
• cling
• attack
• withdraw
• numb

The tragic part is that many people think these reactions are “the real me.”
But often they are survival reflexes.
This is one reason the book feels hopeful. It reframes difficult relationship behaviour not as proof that someone is unlovable, but as evidence that their nervous system does not yet trust connection.





The “Couple Bubble” — One of the Best Ideas in the BookTatkin’s most famous concept is the Couple Bubble. (Kellen Mental Health)
A couple bubble is the feeling that:

• we protect each other
• we are allies, not enemies
• we matter to one another
• the relationship is emotionally safe
• we don’t weaponise abandonment
• we repair after rupture

Many people have never experienced this.
Instead, they experienced conditional love:

• love withdrawn as punishment
• emotional inconsistency
• criticism instead of soothing
• shame instead of repair
• unpredictability instead of safety

So they enter adult relationships unconsciously expecting danger.
The nervous system then scans constantly:

• “Will they leave?”
• “Am I too much?”
• “Am I trapped?”
• “Can I relax?”
• “Will I be rejected?”
• “Do I matter?”

Tatkin argues that healthy love is not built mainly through passion or compatibility.
It is built through repeated experiences of safety.





The Three Attachment Styles — Anchors, Waves, and IslandsOne thing that makes the book especially accessible is Tatkin’s language:

• Anchors = secure
• Waves = anxious
• Islands = avoidant

(Kellen Mental Health)
WavesWaves crave closeness and reassurance.
They often fear abandonment and disconnection.
IslandsIslands value independence and space.
They often fear intrusion, engulfment, or losing autonomy.
AnchorsAnchors can stay connected without panicking or disappearing.
What’s helpful is that Tatkin avoids simplistic blame.
He shows how anxious and avoidant partners often trigger each other automatically:

• one pursues
• one withdraws
• both feel unsafe
• both think the other is the problem

Underneath, both are usually longing for security.





What I Think the Book Gets RightThe strongest aspect of Wired for Love is its compassion.
Tatkin understands that people are often trying to protect themselves from old pain while simultaneously longing for closeness.
The book also challenges modern hyper-individualistic ideas about relationships. He pushes back against the belief that needing others is weakness. (laterloves.com)
Instead, he suggests:

• humans regulate each other
• loving relationships affect the nervous system
• touch matters
• eye contact matters
• rituals matter
• tone matters
• repair matters

This aligns strongly with modern attachment and nervous-system research. (stanandtraceytatkin.com)
The book also contains practical relational wisdom:

• don’t threaten the relationship during conflict
• repair quickly
• learn your partner’s vulnerabilities
• create rituals of connection
• prioritise “we” over winning
• become experts on each other

Simple ideas. Deeply difficult in practice.





How To Help Yourself Feel More LovingThis is the part many people really need.
Not:
“How do I make someone love me?”
But:
“How do I soften enough to let love in?”
Because many people secretly cannot receive love consistently.
Affection hits old shame.
Safety feels unfamiliar.
Closeness triggers survival responses.
Here are some of the clearest practical lessons inspired by the book.





1. Stop Treating Your Nervous System Like Your EnemyIf you become distant, clingy, shut down, hypersexual, avoidant, obsessive, controlling, or emotionally flooded in love…
Start with curiosity instead of shame.
Your body learned something.
Often:

• distance once protected you
• hypervigilance once protected you
• fantasy once protected you
• independence once protected you
• emotional numbing once protected you

Healing begins when survival strategies are seen compassionately rather than attacked.





2. Learn What Safety Actually Feels LikeMany people confuse:

• intensity with love
• anxiety with chemistry
• obsession with connection
• unpredictability with passion

But safety can initially feel boring if your nervous system was shaped by chaos.
Secure love is often:

• calmer
• steadier
• less dramatic
• more predictable
• emotionally available
• less addictive

This can feel strangely unfamiliar at first.





3. Practice Tiny Moments of ConnectionTatkin repeatedly emphasises small daily rituals. (Kellen Mental Health)
Not grand gestures.
Tiny moments:

• eye contact
• greeting warmly
• affectionate touch
• checking in
• listening properly
• saying goodbye consciously
• repairing quickly after tension

Love is often built through micro-moments of nervous-system regulation.





4. Let Yourself Be SeenOne of the hardest things for wounded people is allowing authentic visibility.
We may:

• perform
• seduce
• caretaking-mask
• intellectualise
• dominate
• withdraw
• fantasise
• hide vulnerability behind humour or sexuality

But intimacy grows through being emotionally knowable.
That means risking:

• honesty
• tenderness
• uncertainty
• imperfection
• longing

Real love enters through the places that are undefended.





5. Learn to Repair Instead of EscalateConflict is not the real killer of relationships.
Lack of repair is. (Kellen Mental Health)
People often stay physiologically stuck after conflict:

• defended
• proud
• frozen
• punishing
• avoidant

Repair means:

• “I see your pain.”
• “I understand why that hurt.”
• “We matter more than winning.”
• “Come back toward me.”

For many people, this was never modelled in childhood.





6. Allow Healthy Love To Feel UnfamiliarThis may be the deepest challenge.
People often unconsciously trust:

• fantasy more than reality
• longing more than closeness
• unavailable people more than available ones
• intensity more than consistency

Healthy love can initially feel emotionally quieter.
But over time, safety allows something profound:

• softness
• relaxation
• playfulness
• emotional openness
• embodied intimacy
• trust

The nervous system slowly stops preparing for war.





Final ThoughtsWired for Love is not perfect. At times it can feel simplified, and some readers may prefer deeper trauma work alongside it. But as a practical bridge between attachment theory and everyday relationships, it is one of the clearest and most compassionate books available. (Blinkist)
Its greatest gift is this:
Love is not just a feeling.
It is a biological, emotional, and relational environment of safety.
And many people are not failing at love because they are broken.
They are trying to love while carrying nervous systems shaped by fear.
Healing often begins when someone finally experiences:

• consistency
• repair
• emotional safety
• tenderness without threat
• connection without losing themselves

Sometimes that begins with another person.
Sometimes it begins with learning how to stop abandoning yourself.

Have you ever struggled with a tough task and wished you could just be someone else for a moment? Someone with more grit, patience, charm, or resilience? Science says you can—and it’s called the Batman Effect. This is a really powerful, fun and simple tool that I often use with clients and with myself. 

In a classic psychology experiment, young children were given a boring task with the tempting option to quit and play a fun game. One group was told to just be themselves. Another used third-person self-talk. But the standout performers? Those who pretended to be Batman (or another favourite hero). They stuck with the task longer, worked harder, and even enjoyed it more.

The Batman Effect is a form of self-distancing - stepping outside your usual identity to adopt qualities that help you perform better. It works for adults too. Beyoncé famously channelled “Sasha Fierce” on stage, and many high performers use similar alter egos.

The Three Rules for Using the Batman Effect Effectively. To make this strategy work, follow these three rules (drawn from the Instagram reel and psychological insights):

1. WHO? Pick an alter ego that matches the task. Batman excels at grit and endurance, but he’s not ideal for writing poetry or offering emotional comfort. Choose someone who embodies the exact qualities you need. It doesn't have to be a real person. It can be a fictional person or someone you make up entirely. However it helps to be based on some real people you know so that you have experience of those character traits.
   
   
   
2. REALLY? Make your alter ego vivid and fully realised. It should be a specific, believable person whose traits you can easily picture and channel. Vague ideas won’t work—specificity creates psychological distance and belief. Here it helps to draw a picture of them or write a description of them or give them a name that really epitomises them and helps you visualise them really clearly in your mind's eye.
   
   
   
3. HOW? Ask: What would this person do? Then act accordingly - don’t default to your usual habits. Step into their mindset fully. This is about embodiment. You might even do an incantation to step into them and step out of them, like putting a mask. In fact Jim Carrey made a movie called The Mask so you can imagine how this works. 

The Batman Effect reminds us that our identity isn’t fixed. We can construct better versions of ourselves, leading to personal growth and a better world.

Suggested Realistic Alter Egos for Common Challenges. Here are tailored, realistic alter ego suggestions for the situations you mentioned. These are based on real people (historical figures, leaders, thinkers, or everyday exemplars) known for intelligence, wisdom, strength, empathy, or resilience - no superpowers, no geniuses in an unrealistic sense, just admirable humans.

That makes total sense. Lean into people who instantly click for you without needing a history lesson first. 
1. Hard Manual Work & Physical Endurance. When you need steady rhythm, physical grit, and patience with repetitive, grueling tasks.
​

• David Goggins — This is my personal choice: the man who did the Navy SEALs training twice and runs ultra marathons, and his taglines are "Can't Hurt Me Son" and "Stay Hard". I love his humour and resilience. He has a thing called the 40% rule, which states that at 40% It feels like you're at your limit but you've still got 60% left in the tank. 
• Andy Murray — Renowned for sheer, grinding work ethic, pushing through physical pain, and relentless determination on the court.
• Mo Farah — Embodying long-distance endurance, the ability to lock into a steady pace, and pushing through the wall when exhausted.
• Jessica Ennis-Hill — The ultimate image of multi-discipline physical grit, stamina, and structured athletic focus.
• Nicola Adams — Pure physical resilience, stepping into the ring with determination, and finding joy in hard physical graft.

2. Hard Mental Work & Deep Focus. When you need calm persistence, mental clarity, and the discipline to sit through cognitive discomfort.

• Merlin — My personal choice. I imagine the ancient magician with his long beard and spectacles and cloak, able to deeply focus for hours and come up with spells, ideas and potions that can harness the power of magic. Of course I imagine magic was just science before we knew it as science. 
• David Attenborough — Patient, methodical, deeply focused, and possessing a calm, intellectual stamina.
• Professor Brian Cox — Representing analytical precision, navigating complex data, and structured intellectual discipline.
• Mary Beard — Brilliant academic rigor, immense mental focus, and unapologetic intellectual authority.
• Maggie Aderin-Pocock — The space scientist known for high-level analytical thinking, clarity, and making complex mental tasks feel accessible.

​
3. Difficult Relationship Challenges (Love & Compassion)When a situation requires deep empathy, active listening, emotional safety, and unconditional kindness.

• Marshall Rosenberg - one of the originators of non-violent communication. I've seen many of his videos and really admire his way of balancing empathy and boundaries with humor and grace and excellent ability to listen. 
• Louis Theroux — The master of non-judgmental listening, disarming presence, and quiet empathy in tense or sensitive spaces.
• Mo Gawdat — Former Google X Chief turned happiness expert, known for his gentle, deeply compassionate approach to grief and human connection.
• Sir Lenny Henry (in his later years) — A beloved national figure embodying a warm, protective, and deeply nurturing emotional presence.
• Dame Judi Dench — The matriarchal archetype of quiet, grounded strength, deep emotional warmth, and unconditional love.
• Alison Hammond — Radiates pure warmth, emotional accessibility, and an effortless ability to put people at ease.

​
4. Charming, Negotiating, & Finding Common Ground or Dating When you need diplomacy, principled charm, warmth, and the ability to win people over.

• James Bond — I know he can be a little, a bit of a maverick at times but he's also incredibly charming and fantastic at negotiation so he's my personal choice. It helps that I watched it obsessively when growing up.  
• Graham Norton — Effortless social charm, quick-witted warmth, and the ability to make anyone open up and cooperate.
• Idris Elba — Smooth, charismatic presence, quiet confidence, and an understated ability to command a room with charm.
• Claudia Winkleman — Highly disarming, intensely likable, and possesses a sharp, friendly wit that wins people over instantly.
• Dame Floella Benjamin — Embodying dignified charm, British cultural diplomacy, and a warm, persuasive authority.

​
5. Dealing with Conflict (Calm & Measured)When you need absolute emotional control, thoughtful pauses, and clarity under high pressure.

• Nelson Mandela  — This is my personal choice. He remained incredibly calm and measured but also stood up to extreme violence and overcame it with peaceful and thoughtful approaches to conflict. 
• Marcus Aurelius - The Roman Emperor and stoic philosopher was able to overcome plagues and rebellions with emotional restraint, diplomacy, and strength. 
• Emma Thompson — Articulate and completely level-headed; handles intense situations with supreme poise and calm clarity.
• Baroness Doreen Lawrence — The ultimate example of quiet dignity, unflinching focus, and measured strength in the face of immense adversity.

​
6. Being Super Creative & VisionaryWhen you need bold emotional truth, original thinking, and the courage to break the mold.

• David Bowie — My personal choice. The ultimate chameleon of self-reinvention, artistic bravery, and boundary-pushing creativity.
• Stormzy — Bold storytelling, redefining his genre, using his platform for visionary cultural projects, and staying creatively authentic.
• Vivienne Westwood — The definition of punk rebellion, completely original vision, and unapologetic creative courage.
• Zadie Smith — Celebrated for profound literary observation, rich emotional truth, and a highly distinct creative voice.

​
Shouldn’t I Just Be My Authentic Self?This is a common and fair question. The short answer: yes - and the Batman Effect actually helps you become more authentic through temporarily borrowing traits from somebody else To bring out your own traits more organically.

Authenticity isn’t about being stuck in your current habits or limitations. It’s about fully expressing who you are capable of becoming. Using an alter ego is a temporary tool - like training wheels or a scaffold - that lets you access strengths you already possess but don’t always tap into. Over time, these qualities often integrate into your real self. You’re not faking it forever; you’re experimenting and expanding who you are.

Many of the most “authentic” people we admire regularly step into different versions of themselves depending on the situation. The Batman Effect simply makes this process conscious and effective.
How to Implement Your Alter Ego: ALTER

• A: Ask - Who could help me with this situation?
• L: List - List people who you would like. Make it vivid: Write a short description of your alter ego’s key traits, habits, and even a signature phrase or posture. Use props if it helps (a hat, notebook, etc.).
• T: Talk: Begin talking to yourself differently. Ask yourself the infamous question: "What would Jesus (Or whoever your alter ego is) do?" Or talk to them directly. Say to them, "Hey Jesus, are you there? Can you step in and help me here? What shall we do?" 
• E: Experiment: Practice in low-stakes moments first, then scale up.
• R: Review and Refine: After the task, reflect on what felt different and refine your alter ego.

​
Have a go now. It'll take a minute or two to go through these steps with the current situation that you're experiencing. For example I'm sitting here trying to write my blog. I'm going to ask myself, who could help me with the situation? Well There's Mark Manson. He's one of my favourite authors of personal development. Maybe he could help. Okay so I'm going to ask him: "What would you do, Mark Manson? Can you help me? Can you come into my body now?" Okay I'm going to experiment by being Mark Manson for the rest of this block. Let's see how it goes. 

The beauty of the Batman Effect is its reminder that you are not stuck. You can consciously shape how you show up. Over time, these “pretend” qualities often integrate into your authentic self.
The Batman effect is about the power of self-construction. There is no one way that we have to behave or have to be. We really can make it up and hopefully along the way we will make ourselves and the world better as well.

What alter ego will you try first? Drop your ideas in the comments—I’d love to hear how you’re using this in your own life. And if you'd like some personal coaching on this, send me an email and let's set up a session to get your own team of alter egos. Neil@Positively-Mindful.com 
​
Inspired by the original reel from @philosophyminis and research on self-distancing. Sources include studies in Child Development (White et al., 2017).

There is a brilliant and painfully accurate satire from The Onion titled "Girlfriend Changes Man Into Someone She's Not Interested In." 

It tells the story of a woman who falls deeply for a man because he is wild, creative, a little dangerous, and fully alive. His energy, unpredictability, and passion light something up inside her.
Then, slowly, lovingly, and with the best of intentions, she begins to change him.

• A better job.
• A nicer flat.
• Less chaos.
• More stability.
• Fewer late nights.
• No more band.
• Shorter hair
• A sensible car.

Eventually, he becomes perfect "husband material." And just like that, she loses all attraction to him. That is the joke. But it is also not a joke at all.

The Trap: Turning Chemistry Into Comfort

In the beginning, she was drawn to exactly who he was: unpredictable, passionate, and slightly rebellious. Those qualities created the spark, the tension, and the excitement that made the relationship feel electric.
Yet those same traits do not always feel safe in the long term. So, like many people do, she started trying to optimize the relationship. She wanted more security, more predictability, and better alignment with the vision of a "good life." She encouraged changes that seemed reasonable and responsible.
And he went along with it because he loved her and because it seemed like the mature thing to do - to ‘grow’.

The Hidden Cost of "Growth"

Here is the uncomfortable truth: he did not simply grow. He edited himself.
He gradually removed the edge, the risk, and the parts of his personality that did not fit neatly into the new, safer version of life they were building together. The very qualities that had originally ignited her attraction were quietly phased out.
Now when she looks at him, she sees someone safe, stable, and familiar.
And she feels... nothing.
As the satire cleverly shows, she even begins to feel drawn to someone else, someone who still carries that original spark, that untamed energy she once loved in him.

The Deeper Dynamic

This pattern is not really about men versus women. It is about a fundamental tension that exists inside most relationships: the push and pull between two deep human needs.

• We crave excitement, but we also want safety.
• We desire freedom, but we also seek commitment.

So she falls in love with someone's aliveness, and then, often without realizing it, we try to tame it. In solving the "problem" of uncertainty and discomfort we accidentally kill the very attraction that brought us together in the first place.

What He Could Have Done (And What Most People Never Do)

I can relate to this story a lot so I’m writing this blog as a cautionary tale to myself. I’m considering what the man in the story did and didn’t do right to help me in my life. First - he not fail simply because he changed. Change is natural and healthy. He failed because he abandoned the core of who he was in order to become what she said she wanted.

A healthier path would have looked different. It might have included:

• Keeping the band while also holding down a steady job.
• Maintaining his personal style while still showing maturity and growth.
• Gently but firmly saying, "This part of me matters. It is not up for negotiation."

​
Not resisting growth, but refusing to trade his identity for approval. Because when someone reshapes themselves entirely to fit expectations, the magnetic pull that once existed begins to fade, often on both sides.

The Onion article exaggerates reality for comedic effect, but the underlying pattern appears in relationships everywhere. People do not usually fall out of love for no reason. More often, they fall out of love because the person they originally fell in love with slowly disappeared. The wildness, the passion, the unique edges that made them irresistible were sanded down over time, usually in the name of love, stability, or becoming "better" partners.

And often, neither person fully notices it happening until the spark is already gone So as I write this I want to remember - If you become everything your partner says they want, but stop being the person you are, (the one they were originally drawn to), you lose yourself AND the relationship. 
I’m off to pick up my guitar and climbing shoes! 

Hey there,
I just finished a coaching session that sparked a fresh tool for navigating those familiar inner battles. The client was caught in the loop many of us know well: Am I actually making the world better?

On one side, the evidence was clear and positive. He was leading by example-being a good listener, helping people feel safe, giving quality attention. There was a real ripple effect. He wasn’t doing nothing; overall, it was a net positive. Yet the inner voice kept pushing: “You could be doing more.” Ideas about startups, helping others launch their own, or diving into social entrepreneurship kept surfacing, quickly followed by a sense of pressure and self-doubt.

The labels that emerged felt harsh: wasting potential, fearful, cowardly. Self-compassion seemed to be the missing piece. So together we created a practical exercise called “Give It a Voice.”

This tool draws from Transactional Analysis (TA) ego states-the Critical Parent, the emotional Child, and the healthy Adult-as well as Internal Family Systems (IFS) thinking about distinct inner “parts.” It also aligns closely with the insightful reframing in the blog post “Getting Excited About Becoming an Adult” , which celebrates the Adult state not as boring responsibility, but as a source of alive, regulated energy, calm curiosity, and genuine freedom. Instead of trying to silence the critic, you give every part a full voice, then let the wise Adult respond from the present moment.

How “Give It a Voice” WorksYou can practice this through journaling (writing the dialogue) or mirror work (speaking aloud while looking at yourself). Both make the inner conversation feel real and workable.
Here’s the straightforward process:

Identify the voices.

1. Usually there’s a loud Critical Voice (harsh, judging, protective) and the calmer Wise Adult Voice (grounded, compassionate, reality-based).

Let the Critical Voice speak freely.
No filtering. Write or say exactly what it’s saying today. It might sound like:

1. “Don’t nap-you’re lazy. You’re wasting your potential. You’re fearful and not stepping up. Look at everything you could be doing!”

We even leaned into a tough-love, David Goggins-style edge: “Come on, you’re better than this. Wake up and crack on!”
Switch to the Wise Adult response.
Speak as a compassionate best friend, proud parent, or loving mentor. Begin with:

“Thank you, I hear you…”
Then acknowledge real growth and effort without defensiveness-things like showing up consistently, taking bold steps in the past, or small wins from the day (a mindful practice, a run, starting a 1% improvement habit).


End by gently steering into the present:
“…and NOW let’s…”

1. Focus on compassionate next steps rather than regret or pressure.

Integrate the parts.

1. The surprising part? Both voices often want the same underlying thing-growth, contribution, avoiding failure. The critic tries to protect you; the Adult knows the big goals feel daunting precisely because they matter. Once both feel heard, the internal fight eases and momentum returns.

We even tested pure unconditional love (“You’re great just as you are”) and noticed it could feel uncomfortable at first. Blending kindness with honest encouragement created the sweetest spot.

Why This Tool Works So WellMost advice tells us to crush the inner critic or only listen to positivity. That rarely sticks because the critic is part of you-it’s trying (in its clumsy way) to keep you safe. “Give It a Voice” honours all parts without judgment, then lets the healthy Adult take the lead.

This mirrors the powerful shift described in “Getting Excited About Becoming an Adult”: moving out of the Drama Triangle (where Critical Parent and reactive Child create loops of persecution, victimhood, or rescue) and into the Adult state of calm curiosity, respectful responsibility, and present-time choice. 

Remember - The Adult doesn’t eliminate the other parts-it softens them through repetition, regulation, and compassion. Triggers become opportunities. Effort feels satisfying again. Adulthood stops feeling like a grind and starts feeling alive.

In our session, the daunting feeling (“I want to dothese impactful things”) stopped being proof of inadequacy. It became useful information: This matters, so of course it feels big. Failure is scary-that’s human. The tool transforms that fear into fuel instead of paralysis.

It creates a place of non-judgment by design. No more blanket labels. Just an honest conversation between parts, followed by grounded action from the now.

Try “Give It a Voice” TodayGrab a notebook or stand in front of a mirror. Ask yourself:

• What’s the critical voice saying today? Let it rant fully.
• What does the wise, compassionate Adult hear, appreciate, and then choose to do next?

You don’t need hours or a coach. Ten minutes of honest dialogue can shift the energy.

This isn’t about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming whole - stepping more often into that exciting Adult state where energy returns, choices feel clear, and you can keep making your positive ripple without burning out in self-criticism.

Let me know how the tool lands for you. If you try it, feel free to share a snippet of your dialogue in the comments (I read them all).

With compassion and forward momentum,

Neil 
​
P.S. If you’d like the exact prompts I used in the session, just reply “GIVE IT A VOICE” and I’ll send them your way. Here’s to making self-compassion the new default-and getting genuinely excited about showing up as the Adult you’re becoming.

​

You don’t need to feel like it.
You don’t need to feel inspired.
You don’t need to feel ready.
You don’t need the perfect mood, the perfect song, the perfect coffee, the perfect morning.
You don’t need the spark.
You need the step.
Just the step.
Because here is the truth, and you already know it, and I’m going to say it again and again until it lands:

Dopamine chasing is not freedom.
It feels like freedom.
It looks like freedom.
But it is not freedom.

It is delay.
It is distraction.
It is dependency.
​And dependency does not feel good.

Not because you’re broken.
Not because you’re lazy.
Not because you lack discipline.​

But because your brain has learned a pattern:

“Feel bad → find stimulation → feel better → repeat.”

But what if there’s another pattern?

What if there’s a quieter pattern?
A slower pattern.
A stronger pattern.

Listen carefully:

“Don’t feel like it → do it anyway → it gets easier → it becomes natural → it becomes enjoyable.”

Not instantly.
Not magically.
But reliably.

I thought I’d do an advice piece. It’s based on some clients of mine that shared why they are happy in their relationship. It’s also based on my own life, when I see things going well. Here’s the basics: 
A good relationship is not built on perfection.
It’s built on space.

• Space to be messy.
• Space to be human.
• Space to grow.

Most relationships don’t fail because people don’t love each other.
They fail because people try to manage each other instead of meeting each other.
So I’m suggesting 5 principles to meet one another, human to human, adult to adult:

1. Let each other be imperfect without losing connection.
2. Don’t control your partner—trust their process.
3. Own your emotions and communicate your needs clearly.
4. Stay on the same team, especially in conflict.
5. Keep it simple: consistency over perfection.

1. Let Each Other Be HumanYour partner will be annoying sometimes.
So will you.
They’ll forget things.
They’ll get moody.
They’ll say things badly.
The question is not: Can I stop this?
The question is: Can I stay open when it happens?
A simple:
“I get why that’s frustrating”
is often all it takes to return to connection.
Drop perfection.
Choose understanding.





2. Stop Managing Your PartnerControl kills attraction.
Correction kills safety.
When you try to manage your partner
their habits, their moods, their choices
you slowly turn the relationship into a parent-child dynamic.
And no one thrives there.
Let them waste time sometimes.
Let them make mistakes.
Let them learn.
Trust that growth comes from experience, not instruction.
Love says:
“I’m here with you.”
Not:
“Here’s how you should be.”





3. Take Responsibility for Your EmotionsThis is the game changer.
Your partner is not your regulator.
They are your companion.
If you’re upset—pause.
If you’re triggered - own it.
If you need something - ask clearly.
“I need a hug.”
“I just want to vent.”
“Can you reassure me?”
Clean communication replaces silent resentment.
Support each other fully, without making each other responsible.





4. Stay on the Same TeamIt’s not you vs them.
It’s both of you vs the moment.
When something goes wrong, don’t ask:
“Who’s at fault?”
Ask: “How do we come back to connection?”
Repair quickly and calmly, with empathy and an open heart.
Choose the relationship over being right.





5. Keep It SimpleGood relationships are not complicated.
They are built on small, repeatable things:

• Honesty
• Ownership
• Acceptance
• Presence

Done consistently.
No drama required.
No perfection needed.

Summary

A good relationship works when: You allow humanity, release control, and take responsibility.
​
Everything else is detail. 

For me I love to come back to principles.

​

My best friend Scott McGregor told me something he'd heard from Micheal Boyle that landed in my body like a truth-bomb:

In relationships: first you have your ideal… then your ordeal… then the REAL DEAL.

It was so simple. So funny. And so painfully accurate.

“We're born alone, we die alone, and we live alone, each on our own planet of perception. No two people have ever met… Even the people you know best and love with all your heart are your own projections… You're the one who orders your favorite food and loves your favorite music… You've always been your favorite subject — your only subject. It's all about you.”
— Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy

And honestly, that’s why relationships are such a powerful spiritual path.

Because love, connection, healing, commitment, and agreements… they’re not just about “the other person.” They’re a journey into ourselves — a chance to remove our blocks to love and discover something deeper:

Love is safe. Love is real. And I can trust it.

Not just in romantic relationships — but in friendships, communities, personal development, sexuality, and even the relationship we have with ourselves. Let’s explore this more deeply:

1. The Ideal: The Fantasy That Pulls Us In
The ideal is intoxicating -  It’s the honeymoon phase. It’s the time where we project all of our hopes and dreams onto the person in front of us. The ideal is what inspires us -  It shows us what we long for, but the ideal is also often a spiritual bypass in disguise. Because what we’re often idealising isn’t the other person. It's the idea that love will mean no discomfort.

Even after the honeymoon phase we can keep coming back to fantasy. God knows I LOVE fantasy. Just the other day I was imagining being given a 2 week prognosis of dying and thinking of all the ‘Fuck it’ things I would do. Because this helps me avoid reality

For me I have always imagined constant adventures, hedonism and ease of money making. Everything flows and my partner is so sexually open that we can play with others with zero jealousy and complete compersion.  Playing with fantasy helps me avoid reality.

The problem is that the more I attach to my fantasy the more I begin to see how reality cannot measure up… and so I lose all that yummy gratitude and inspiration and resentment and blame kicks in, leading to… 

2. The Ordeal: Where the Work Actually Begins

If we are lost in our thoughts this is where life gets very stressful. The cracks in the relationship become so large that they engulf us and we feel hopeless and lost. Negative thoughts can spiral and send us into anger, resentment and then guilt and depression. This is where couples come to couples therapy with me. The good news is that this is a fertile time. This is the compost of personal development! 

The ordeal is where we discover our attachment wounds, our nervous system patterns, our unmet childhood needs, and our resistance to accountability. And this is where many people unconsciously quit - Including me. I’ve been in so many relationships where things got vulnerable and real and then I pulled away, seeking the next fantasy and the next dopamine hit of novelty. 

Different attachment styles flavour the ordeal differently:

• Anxious attachment often fears abandonment and disconnection.
• Avoidant attachment often fears engulfment and being trapped.
• Disorganised attachment often carries a deeper nervous system terror — love and danger tangled together.

Most of us have a mix.

This is actually gold dust.
By stepping out of our thoughts and observing we can follow the gold dust back we get to the original wound, either as imagination and memory or as somatic sensation in the body (or both). This is why I love the world of personal development. It's a time where I get to explore my pain and learn to open myself to more love and joy. I love working with couples and I love working on my own relationships. I love this shit! Because deep down I (and I imagine all of us) really want…

3.  The Real Deal: Love, Beyond Fantasy

I believe that when one truly understands someone one cannot help but love them.

That doesn’t mean you always like everything they do or say or always want to hang out, but it points to a deeper love - an opening to who we really are and a deep sense of welcoming and belonging, together and a sense that we can be real with them and they can be real with us! Doesn’t that sound like a relief? No more pretending. No more secret resentments. A celebration of truth!

This requires integration of truth, which includes conflict , rupture and repair. The real deal is when:

• you can tell the truth without collapsing into shame
  
• you can hear feedback without defending
  
• you can admit you broke an agreement without disappearing
  
• you can feel your nervous system activate without making it your partner’s fault
  
• you can choose love even when it isn’t exciting
  
  

The real deal is intimacy that has been tested. Not performative closeness. Not “good vibes only”. Not the ideal. In fact if you really look into the ideal and follow it to its logical conclusion you’ll see you don’t actually want that anyway! It is just a hedonic treadmil that will enslave you and kill your love. 

“There are two tragedies in life. The first is not getting what you want. The second is getting it.”

This misquote is often attributed to playwright George Bernard Shaw, though sometimes credited to Oscar Wilde. It highlights a paradox: the pain of failure and the disillusionment of success, suggesting that desire often causes suffering, regardless of the outcome.Suggesting that beyond desire and longing is something more important to our soul - the need for intimacy and love, which requires working through our blocks to love - our fear of pain. 

Agreements and Broken Agreements

Agreements it turns out are a gauge for our progress in this area. I’ve often struggled with the sense of obligation that goes along with agreements and commitment. When I look deeper into myself I find something hard to admit;  If I continue to never commit or to break agreements then I can never trust myself. 

Damn! That sucks. In my personal investigations and in my work with clients the themes of responsibility and commitment is a common sticking point. This is why in counselling we form a counselling contract and uphold the boundaries quite strictly. It helps people to understand the importance of agreements in building inner security. 

The challenge is that making agreements can often activate anxiety and shame, because the moment we break an agreement, we trigger the fear of being judged, of disappointing someone, of being seen as selfish... of losing love
And so the ordeal begins. Our insecure attachment patterns play out.

The hardest part is actually facing up to the breaking of agreements, both with ourselves and with others. This is the deep truth that all boundaries and agreemenets are with ourselves and we break them regularly! 

Agreements Help Us Identify Integration or Disintigration

The Hidden Gift of AgreementsAgreements aren’t there to restrict us. They’re there to reveal us.

They shine a light on where our belief systems are delusional, where we’re over-giving to earn love, where we’re avoiding truth, and where we’re not fully in integrity with ourselves or others. Agreements show us.  When we show up to do THE WORK and go through the ordeal we learn 

Integration means learning to hold fear, guilt, and desire with awareness and compassion — not trying to get rid of them, but letting them be present without letting them run your life. Remembering that fear doesn’t go away just because you want it to. If you try to “get rid of it”, you usually end up suppressing it (it leaks out sideways as irritability, avoidance, shutdown), or projecting it (blaming others). So fear ends up running your life from the shadows.

When I coach people it's helping them see thier inner fears and acknowledge them, but then make a new agreement not to react from them. For example John was finding he was rescuing his girlfriend from her fearful emotions and he was getting burned out. He now knows to pause and say: “A part of me really wants to rescue you right now because I hate seeing you in pain. But I trust you can feel this, and I can stay close while you do.”
That’s integration, without the need for the ideal (which is born from fear of pain).

What Is The Real Deal, Really?

The real deal is presence in the face of the reality of our beautiful imperfections and learning to love them all in ourselves and each other. Imagine that? Imagine feeling that you adore yourself and each other in the same way you would a little toddler who is doing their best, trying to walk and falling over. The human spirit is beautiful in its trying and all its little coping mechanisms.

When we can reveal and integrate our fearful blocks to love then we are living in THE REAL DEAL. 

Want some help navigating your ordeal? Contact me for some counselling or coaching and I’d be happy to be alongside you and celebrating your progress.​

A lot of the people I work with aren’t “broken”. They’re just stuck.

Stuck in overthinking. Stuck in avoidance. Stuck in old relationship patterns. Stuck in anxiety, shame, self-doubt, procrastination… or that familiar feeling of “I know what I should do, but I can’t seem to do it.”

One of the main frameworks I use in my coaching and counselling is Acceptance and Commitment Training (ACT) — originally developed in the 1980s by psychologist Steven Hayes, drawing on behavioural psychology and mindfulness-based approaches. What I love about ACT is that it doesn’t ask you to “get rid” of difficult emotions or force your mind to be positive. It’s not about fixing you.

Instead, ACT teaches something much more practical:
How to stay present with what’s real, unhook from unhelpful mind stories, and take action based on what actually works to get you what you want! 

No FIXING, more WORKING with...​
Rather than trying to “fix” your emotions or eliminate uncomfortable thoughts, ACT teaches you to make space internally, challenge thoughts and reconnect with your true values. Working with the tool yourself or with a coach can: 

• reflect your patterns back to you clearly
• help you spot your blind spots and protective strategies
• slow the moment down so you can find your real feelings
• support you to act from values instead of fear, pride, or old conditioning
  
  

ACT coaching is practical, grounded, and often deeply relational.

However I found the HEX format USELESS! So I made one that I find works much better:

WORKING (ACT Model) (Made by me, Neil Morbey)
W — What’s happening?

• Question: “What is happening right now (facts + context)?” 
• What it does: This brings you into present-moment awareness and out of automatic reactivity.
• You describe the situation like a neutral camera, not a participant in the drama.
•  ACT principle: Present Moment + Noticing

O — Opinions?

• Question: “What opinions (stories / judgements) is my mind adding to this?”
• What it does: This identifies cognitive fusion — the mental overlay your brain is using to protect you (often via blame, certainty, righteousness, fear). Naming it loosens its grip.
• ACT principle: Cognitive Defusion

R — Real Feelings

• Question: “What real feelings am I actually feeling underneath the surface reaction?”
• What it does: Helps you contact the core emotion (hurt, shame, fear, loneliness, grief) rather than just acting out the secondary emotion (anger, irritation, shutdown).
• ACT principle: Acceptance + Emotional Contact

K — Keeping Safe

• Question: “What is my nervous system trying to do to keep me safe? (Fight / Flight / Freeze or Fawn)?"
• What it does: Reveals your nervous system strategy: defending / avoiding / trying to be right /  , distraction / control / blame / numbing /over-functioning. This is where you see the coping move clearly.
•  ACT principle: Acceptance (instead of avoidance)

I — Internal Conflict

• Question: “What's the internal conflict between differenparts of me? what does each one long for?"
• What it does: This names the inner committee: the protector, the wounded child, the justice-seeker, the lover, the avoider, the pleaser. Each part is usually loyal to a value (safety, respect, love, autonomy).
• ACT principle: Values clarification + Self-awareness

N — Net Result

• Question: “What's the net result of this playing out, in the short, medium and long term?"
• What it does: This is the workability test. It moves you from “Am I right?” to “Is this working?” It also naturally evokes self-as-context: you become the one observing the pattern, not trapped inside it. This is critical in ACT. 
• ACT principle: Workability + Self-as-Context

G — Goal-Directed Action

• Question: “What's my goal? Name it. What one step can I take now towards my goal?"
• What it does: Converts insight into behaviour. Not a perfect fix — just a committed step toward the life/relationship you want.
• ACT principle: Committed Action

Why it works (the logic of the flow)

• W + O = separate facts from story
• R = contact what’s real and human
• K = spot the avoidance/defence strategy
• I = clarify what matters (values in conflict)
• N = check cost + consequence (workability)
• G = take a flexible step forward (commitment)

WORKING is all about ACTing in a way that works to create the life you really want.

Would you like to work with me? Get in touch
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