There is a brilliant and painfully accurate satire from The Onion titled "Girlfriend Changes Man Into Someone She's Not Interested In." 

It tells the story of a woman who falls deeply for a man because he is wild, creative, a little dangerous, and fully alive. His energy, unpredictability, and passion light something up inside her.
Then, slowly, lovingly, and with the best of intentions, she begins to change him.

• A better job.
• A nicer flat.
• Less chaos.
• More stability.
• Fewer late nights.
• No more band.
• Shorter hair
• A sensible car.

Eventually, he becomes perfect "husband material." And just like that, she loses all attraction to him. That is the joke. But it is also not a joke at all.

The Trap: Turning Chemistry Into Comfort

In the beginning, she was drawn to exactly who he was: unpredictable, passionate, and slightly rebellious. Those qualities created the spark, the tension, and the excitement that made the relationship feel electric.
Yet those same traits do not always feel safe in the long term. So, like many people do, she started trying to optimize the relationship. She wanted more security, more predictability, and better alignment with the vision of a "good life." She encouraged changes that seemed reasonable and responsible.
And he went along with it because he loved her and because it seemed like the mature thing to do - to ‘grow’.

The Hidden Cost of "Growth"

Here is the uncomfortable truth: he did not simply grow. He edited himself.
He gradually removed the edge, the risk, and the parts of his personality that did not fit neatly into the new, safer version of life they were building together. The very qualities that had originally ignited her attraction were quietly phased out.
Now when she looks at him, she sees someone safe, stable, and familiar.
And she feels... nothing.
As the satire cleverly shows, she even begins to feel drawn to someone else, someone who still carries that original spark, that untamed energy she once loved in him.

The Deeper Dynamic

This pattern is not really about men versus women. It is about a fundamental tension that exists inside most relationships: the push and pull between two deep human needs.

• We crave excitement, but we also want safety.
• We desire freedom, but we also seek commitment.

So she falls in love with someone's aliveness, and then, often without realizing it, we try to tame it. In solving the "problem" of uncertainty and discomfort we accidentally kill the very attraction that brought us together in the first place.

What He Could Have Done (And What Most People Never Do)

I can relate to this story a lot so I’m writing this blog as a cautionary tale to myself. I’m considering what the man in the story did and didn’t do right to help me in my life. First - he not fail simply because he changed. Change is natural and healthy. He failed because he abandoned the core of who he was in order to become what she said she wanted.

A healthier path would have looked different. It might have included:

• Keeping the band while also holding down a steady job.
• Maintaining his personal style while still showing maturity and growth.
• Gently but firmly saying, "This part of me matters. It is not up for negotiation."

​
Not resisting growth, but refusing to trade his identity for approval. Because when someone reshapes themselves entirely to fit expectations, the magnetic pull that once existed begins to fade, often on both sides.

The Onion article exaggerates reality for comedic effect, but the underlying pattern appears in relationships everywhere. People do not usually fall out of love for no reason. More often, they fall out of love because the person they originally fell in love with slowly disappeared. The wildness, the passion, the unique edges that made them irresistible were sanded down over time, usually in the name of love, stability, or becoming "better" partners.

And often, neither person fully notices it happening until the spark is already gone So as I write this I want to remember - If you become everything your partner says they want, but stop being the person you are, (the one they were originally drawn to), you lose yourself AND the relationship. 
I’m off to pick up my guitar and climbing shoes! 

Hey there,
I just finished a coaching session that sparked a fresh tool for navigating those familiar inner battles. The client was caught in the loop many of us know well: Am I actually making the world better?

On one side, the evidence was clear and positive. He was leading by example-being a good listener, helping people feel safe, giving quality attention. There was a real ripple effect. He wasn’t doing nothing; overall, it was a net positive. Yet the inner voice kept pushing: “You could be doing more.” Ideas about startups, helping others launch their own, or diving into social entrepreneurship kept surfacing, quickly followed by a sense of pressure and self-doubt.

The labels that emerged felt harsh: wasting potential, fearful, cowardly. Self-compassion seemed to be the missing piece. So together we created a practical exercise called “Give It a Voice.”

This tool draws from Transactional Analysis (TA) ego states-the Critical Parent, the emotional Child, and the healthy Adult-as well as Internal Family Systems (IFS) thinking about distinct inner “parts.” It also aligns closely with the insightful reframing in the blog post “Getting Excited About Becoming an Adult” , which celebrates the Adult state not as boring responsibility, but as a source of alive, regulated energy, calm curiosity, and genuine freedom. Instead of trying to silence the critic, you give every part a full voice, then let the wise Adult respond from the present moment.

How “Give It a Voice” WorksYou can practice this through journaling (writing the dialogue) or mirror work (speaking aloud while looking at yourself). Both make the inner conversation feel real and workable.
Here’s the straightforward process:

Identify the voices.

1. Usually there’s a loud Critical Voice (harsh, judging, protective) and the calmer Wise Adult Voice (grounded, compassionate, reality-based).

Let the Critical Voice speak freely.
No filtering. Write or say exactly what it’s saying today. It might sound like:

1. “Don’t nap-you’re lazy. You’re wasting your potential. You’re fearful and not stepping up. Look at everything you could be doing!”

We even leaned into a tough-love, David Goggins-style edge: “Come on, you’re better than this. Wake up and crack on!”
Switch to the Wise Adult response.
Speak as a compassionate best friend, proud parent, or loving mentor. Begin with:

“Thank you, I hear you…”
Then acknowledge real growth and effort without defensiveness-things like showing up consistently, taking bold steps in the past, or small wins from the day (a mindful practice, a run, starting a 1% improvement habit).


End by gently steering into the present:
“…and NOW let’s…”

1. Focus on compassionate next steps rather than regret or pressure.

Integrate the parts.

1. The surprising part? Both voices often want the same underlying thing-growth, contribution, avoiding failure. The critic tries to protect you; the Adult knows the big goals feel daunting precisely because they matter. Once both feel heard, the internal fight eases and momentum returns.

We even tested pure unconditional love (“You’re great just as you are”) and noticed it could feel uncomfortable at first. Blending kindness with honest encouragement created the sweetest spot.

Why This Tool Works So WellMost advice tells us to crush the inner critic or only listen to positivity. That rarely sticks because the critic is part of you-it’s trying (in its clumsy way) to keep you safe. “Give It a Voice” honours all parts without judgment, then lets the healthy Adult take the lead.

This mirrors the powerful shift described in “Getting Excited About Becoming an Adult”: moving out of the Drama Triangle (where Critical Parent and reactive Child create loops of persecution, victimhood, or rescue) and into the Adult state of calm curiosity, respectful responsibility, and present-time choice. 

Remember - The Adult doesn’t eliminate the other parts-it softens them through repetition, regulation, and compassion. Triggers become opportunities. Effort feels satisfying again. Adulthood stops feeling like a grind and starts feeling alive.

In our session, the daunting feeling (“I want to dothese impactful things”) stopped being proof of inadequacy. It became useful information: This matters, so of course it feels big. Failure is scary-that’s human. The tool transforms that fear into fuel instead of paralysis.

It creates a place of non-judgment by design. No more blanket labels. Just an honest conversation between parts, followed by grounded action from the now.

Try “Give It a Voice” TodayGrab a notebook or stand in front of a mirror. Ask yourself:

• What’s the critical voice saying today? Let it rant fully.
• What does the wise, compassionate Adult hear, appreciate, and then choose to do next?

You don’t need hours or a coach. Ten minutes of honest dialogue can shift the energy.

This isn’t about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming whole - stepping more often into that exciting Adult state where energy returns, choices feel clear, and you can keep making your positive ripple without burning out in self-criticism.

Let me know how the tool lands for you. If you try it, feel free to share a snippet of your dialogue in the comments (I read them all).

With compassion and forward momentum,

Neil 
​
P.S. If you’d like the exact prompts I used in the session, just reply “GIVE IT A VOICE” and I’ll send them your way. Here’s to making self-compassion the new default-and getting genuinely excited about showing up as the Adult you’re becoming.

​

You don’t need to feel like it.
You don’t need to feel inspired.
You don’t need to feel ready.
You don’t need the perfect mood, the perfect song, the perfect coffee, the perfect morning.
You don’t need the spark.
You need the step.
Just the step.
Because here is the truth, and you already know it, and I’m going to say it again and again until it lands:

Dopamine chasing is not freedom.
It feels like freedom.
It looks like freedom.
But it is not freedom.

It is delay.
It is distraction.
It is dependency.
​And dependency does not feel good.

Not because you’re broken.
Not because you’re lazy.
Not because you lack discipline.​

But because your brain has learned a pattern:

“Feel bad → find stimulation → feel better → repeat.”

But what if there’s another pattern?

What if there’s a quieter pattern?
A slower pattern.
A stronger pattern.

Listen carefully:

“Don’t feel like it → do it anyway → it gets easier → it becomes natural → it becomes enjoyable.”

Not instantly.
Not magically.
But reliably.

I thought I’d do an advice piece. It’s based on some clients of mine that shared why they are happy in their relationship. It’s also based on my own life, when I see things going well. Here’s the basics: 
A good relationship is not built on perfection.
It’s built on space.

• Space to be messy.
• Space to be human.
• Space to grow.

Most relationships don’t fail because people don’t love each other.
They fail because people try to manage each other instead of meeting each other.
So I’m suggesting 5 principles to meet one another, human to human, adult to adult:

1. Let each other be imperfect without losing connection.
2. Don’t control your partner—trust their process.
3. Own your emotions and communicate your needs clearly.
4. Stay on the same team, especially in conflict.
5. Keep it simple: consistency over perfection.

1. Let Each Other Be HumanYour partner will be annoying sometimes.
So will you.
They’ll forget things.
They’ll get moody.
They’ll say things badly.
The question is not: Can I stop this?
The question is: Can I stay open when it happens?
A simple:
“I get why that’s frustrating”
is often all it takes to return to connection.
Drop perfection.
Choose understanding.





2. Stop Managing Your PartnerControl kills attraction.
Correction kills safety.
When you try to manage your partner
their habits, their moods, their choices
you slowly turn the relationship into a parent-child dynamic.
And no one thrives there.
Let them waste time sometimes.
Let them make mistakes.
Let them learn.
Trust that growth comes from experience, not instruction.
Love says:
“I’m here with you.”
Not:
“Here’s how you should be.”





3. Take Responsibility for Your EmotionsThis is the game changer.
Your partner is not your regulator.
They are your companion.
If you’re upset—pause.
If you’re triggered - own it.
If you need something - ask clearly.
“I need a hug.”
“I just want to vent.”
“Can you reassure me?”
Clean communication replaces silent resentment.
Support each other fully, without making each other responsible.





4. Stay on the Same TeamIt’s not you vs them.
It’s both of you vs the moment.
When something goes wrong, don’t ask:
“Who’s at fault?”
Ask: “How do we come back to connection?”
Repair quickly and calmly, with empathy and an open heart.
Choose the relationship over being right.





5. Keep It SimpleGood relationships are not complicated.
They are built on small, repeatable things:

• Honesty
• Ownership
• Acceptance
• Presence

Done consistently.
No drama required.
No perfection needed.

Summary

A good relationship works when: You allow humanity, release control, and take responsibility.
​
Everything else is detail. 

For me I love to come back to principles.

​

My best friend Scott McGregor told me something he'd heard from Micheal Boyle that landed in my body like a truth-bomb:

In relationships: first you have your ideal… then your ordeal… then the REAL DEAL.

It was so simple. So funny. And so painfully accurate.

“We're born alone, we die alone, and we live alone, each on our own planet of perception. No two people have ever met… Even the people you know best and love with all your heart are your own projections… You're the one who orders your favorite food and loves your favorite music… You've always been your favorite subject — your only subject. It's all about you.”
— Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy

And honestly, that’s why relationships are such a powerful spiritual path.

Because love, connection, healing, commitment, and agreements… they’re not just about “the other person.” They’re a journey into ourselves — a chance to remove our blocks to love and discover something deeper:

Love is safe. Love is real. And I can trust it.

Not just in romantic relationships — but in friendships, communities, personal development, sexuality, and even the relationship we have with ourselves. Let’s explore this more deeply:

1. The Ideal: The Fantasy That Pulls Us In
The ideal is intoxicating -  It’s the honeymoon phase. It’s the time where we project all of our hopes and dreams onto the person in front of us. The ideal is what inspires us -  It shows us what we long for, but the ideal is also often a spiritual bypass in disguise. Because what we’re often idealising isn’t the other person. It's the idea that love will mean no discomfort.

Even after the honeymoon phase we can keep coming back to fantasy. God knows I LOVE fantasy. Just the other day I was imagining being given a 2 week prognosis of dying and thinking of all the ‘Fuck it’ things I would do. Because this helps me avoid reality

For me I have always imagined constant adventures, hedonism and ease of money making. Everything flows and my partner is so sexually open that we can play with others with zero jealousy and complete compersion.  Playing with fantasy helps me avoid reality.

The problem is that the more I attach to my fantasy the more I begin to see how reality cannot measure up… and so I lose all that yummy gratitude and inspiration and resentment and blame kicks in, leading to… 

2. The Ordeal: Where the Work Actually Begins

If we are lost in our thoughts this is where life gets very stressful. The cracks in the relationship become so large that they engulf us and we feel hopeless and lost. Negative thoughts can spiral and send us into anger, resentment and then guilt and depression. This is where couples come to couples therapy with me. The good news is that this is a fertile time. This is the compost of personal development! 

The ordeal is where we discover our attachment wounds, our nervous system patterns, our unmet childhood needs, and our resistance to accountability. And this is where many people unconsciously quit - Including me. I’ve been in so many relationships where things got vulnerable and real and then I pulled away, seeking the next fantasy and the next dopamine hit of novelty. 

Different attachment styles flavour the ordeal differently:

• Anxious attachment often fears abandonment and disconnection.
• Avoidant attachment often fears engulfment and being trapped.
• Disorganised attachment often carries a deeper nervous system terror — love and danger tangled together.

Most of us have a mix.

This is actually gold dust.
By stepping out of our thoughts and observing we can follow the gold dust back we get to the original wound, either as imagination and memory or as somatic sensation in the body (or both). This is why I love the world of personal development. It's a time where I get to explore my pain and learn to open myself to more love and joy. I love working with couples and I love working on my own relationships. I love this shit! Because deep down I (and I imagine all of us) really want…

3.  The Real Deal: Love, Beyond Fantasy

I believe that when one truly understands someone one cannot help but love them.

That doesn’t mean you always like everything they do or say or always want to hang out, but it points to a deeper love - an opening to who we really are and a deep sense of welcoming and belonging, together and a sense that we can be real with them and they can be real with us! Doesn’t that sound like a relief? No more pretending. No more secret resentments. A celebration of truth!

This requires integration of truth, which includes conflict , rupture and repair. The real deal is when:

• you can tell the truth without collapsing into shame
  
• you can hear feedback without defending
  
• you can admit you broke an agreement without disappearing
  
• you can feel your nervous system activate without making it your partner’s fault
  
• you can choose love even when it isn’t exciting
  
  

The real deal is intimacy that has been tested. Not performative closeness. Not “good vibes only”. Not the ideal. In fact if you really look into the ideal and follow it to its logical conclusion you’ll see you don’t actually want that anyway! It is just a hedonic treadmil that will enslave you and kill your love. 

“There are two tragedies in life. The first is not getting what you want. The second is getting it.”

This misquote is often attributed to playwright George Bernard Shaw, though sometimes credited to Oscar Wilde. It highlights a paradox: the pain of failure and the disillusionment of success, suggesting that desire often causes suffering, regardless of the outcome.Suggesting that beyond desire and longing is something more important to our soul - the need for intimacy and love, which requires working through our blocks to love - our fear of pain. 

Agreements and Broken Agreements

Agreements it turns out are a gauge for our progress in this area. I’ve often struggled with the sense of obligation that goes along with agreements and commitment. When I look deeper into myself I find something hard to admit;  If I continue to never commit or to break agreements then I can never trust myself. 

Damn! That sucks. In my personal investigations and in my work with clients the themes of responsibility and commitment is a common sticking point. This is why in counselling we form a counselling contract and uphold the boundaries quite strictly. It helps people to understand the importance of agreements in building inner security. 

The challenge is that making agreements can often activate anxiety and shame, because the moment we break an agreement, we trigger the fear of being judged, of disappointing someone, of being seen as selfish... of losing love
And so the ordeal begins. Our insecure attachment patterns play out.

The hardest part is actually facing up to the breaking of agreements, both with ourselves and with others. This is the deep truth that all boundaries and agreemenets are with ourselves and we break them regularly! 

Agreements Help Us Identify Integration or Disintigration

The Hidden Gift of AgreementsAgreements aren’t there to restrict us. They’re there to reveal us.

They shine a light on where our belief systems are delusional, where we’re over-giving to earn love, where we’re avoiding truth, and where we’re not fully in integrity with ourselves or others. Agreements show us.  When we show up to do THE WORK and go through the ordeal we learn 

Integration means learning to hold fear, guilt, and desire with awareness and compassion — not trying to get rid of them, but letting them be present without letting them run your life. Remembering that fear doesn’t go away just because you want it to. If you try to “get rid of it”, you usually end up suppressing it (it leaks out sideways as irritability, avoidance, shutdown), or projecting it (blaming others). So fear ends up running your life from the shadows.

When I coach people it's helping them see thier inner fears and acknowledge them, but then make a new agreement not to react from them. For example John was finding he was rescuing his girlfriend from her fearful emotions and he was getting burned out. He now knows to pause and say: “A part of me really wants to rescue you right now because I hate seeing you in pain. But I trust you can feel this, and I can stay close while you do.”
That’s integration, without the need for the ideal (which is born from fear of pain).

What Is The Real Deal, Really?

The real deal is presence in the face of the reality of our beautiful imperfections and learning to love them all in ourselves and each other. Imagine that? Imagine feeling that you adore yourself and each other in the same way you would a little toddler who is doing their best, trying to walk and falling over. The human spirit is beautiful in its trying and all its little coping mechanisms.

When we can reveal and integrate our fearful blocks to love then we are living in THE REAL DEAL. 

Want some help navigating your ordeal? Contact me for some counselling or coaching and I’d be happy to be alongside you and celebrating your progress.​

A lot of the people I work with aren’t “broken”. They’re just stuck.

Stuck in overthinking. Stuck in avoidance. Stuck in old relationship patterns. Stuck in anxiety, shame, self-doubt, procrastination… or that familiar feeling of “I know what I should do, but I can’t seem to do it.”

One of the main frameworks I use in my coaching and counselling is Acceptance and Commitment Training (ACT) — originally developed in the 1980s by psychologist Steven Hayes, drawing on behavioural psychology and mindfulness-based approaches. What I love about ACT is that it doesn’t ask you to “get rid” of difficult emotions or force your mind to be positive. It’s not about fixing you.

Instead, ACT teaches something much more practical:
How to stay present with what’s real, unhook from unhelpful mind stories, and take action based on what actually works to get you what you want! 

No FIXING, more WORKING with...​
Rather than trying to “fix” your emotions or eliminate uncomfortable thoughts, ACT teaches you to make space internally, challenge thoughts and reconnect with your true values. Working with the tool yourself or with a coach can: 

• reflect your patterns back to you clearly
• help you spot your blind spots and protective strategies
• slow the moment down so you can find your real feelings
• support you to act from values instead of fear, pride, or old conditioning
  
  

ACT coaching is practical, grounded, and often deeply relational.

However I found the HEX format USELESS! So I made one that I find works much better:

WORKING (ACT Model) (Made by me, Neil Morbey)
W — What’s happening?

• Question: “What is happening right now (facts + context)?” 
• What it does: This brings you into present-moment awareness and out of automatic reactivity.
• You describe the situation like a neutral camera, not a participant in the drama.
•  ACT principle: Present Moment + Noticing

O — Opinions?

• Question: “What opinions (stories / judgements) is my mind adding to this?”
• What it does: This identifies cognitive fusion — the mental overlay your brain is using to protect you (often via blame, certainty, righteousness, fear). Naming it loosens its grip.
• ACT principle: Cognitive Defusion

R — Real Feelings

• Question: “What real feelings am I actually feeling underneath the surface reaction?”
• What it does: Helps you contact the core emotion (hurt, shame, fear, loneliness, grief) rather than just acting out the secondary emotion (anger, irritation, shutdown).
• ACT principle: Acceptance + Emotional Contact

K — Keeping Safe

• Question: “What is my nervous system trying to do to keep me safe? (Fight / Flight / Freeze or Fawn)?"
• What it does: Reveals your nervous system strategy: defending / avoiding / trying to be right /  , distraction / control / blame / numbing /over-functioning. This is where you see the coping move clearly.
•  ACT principle: Acceptance (instead of avoidance)

I — Internal Conflict

• Question: “What's the internal conflict between differenparts of me? what does each one long for?"
• What it does: This names the inner committee: the protector, the wounded child, the justice-seeker, the lover, the avoider, the pleaser. Each part is usually loyal to a value (safety, respect, love, autonomy).
• ACT principle: Values clarification + Self-awareness

N — Net Result

• Question: “What's the net result of this playing out, in the short, medium and long term?"
• What it does: This is the workability test. It moves you from “Am I right?” to “Is this working?” It also naturally evokes self-as-context: you become the one observing the pattern, not trapped inside it. This is critical in ACT. 
• ACT principle: Workability + Self-as-Context

G — Goal-Directed Action

• Question: “What's my goal? Name it. What one step can I take now towards my goal?"
• What it does: Converts insight into behaviour. Not a perfect fix — just a committed step toward the life/relationship you want.
• ACT principle: Committed Action

Why it works (the logic of the flow)

• W + O = separate facts from story
• R = contact what’s real and human
• K = spot the avoidance/defence strategy
• I = clarify what matters (values in conflict)
• N = check cost + consequence (workability)
• G = take a flexible step forward (commitment)

WORKING is all about ACTing in a way that works to create the life you really want.

Would you like to work with me? Get in touch
​

Understanding the Problem: A Cycle of Anxiety and Withdrawal
At its core, the anxious-avoidant cycle is a pattern where one partner tends to crave closeness and reassurance (the anxious partner), while the other feels the need to pull away or avoid intense emotional closeness (the avoidant partner). This push-pull dynamic can create a lot of stress, misunderstanding, and heartache.

The Neurochemistry Behind the Cycle
At the heart of the anxious-avoudant dance is neurochemity  - especially oxytocin, often known as the “bonding hormone.” In a secure relationship, oxytocin helps partners feel safe and connected. But for people with anxious or avoidant tendencies, that bonding process got wired a little differently in early childhood.

For the Anxious Partner:
Anxious traits amplify for connection. People with these traits often learned early on that love and support were inconsistent. When they cried out for help, sometimes they got comfort and sometimes they didn’t. This intermittent reinforcement is a bit like a gambler pressing a button, never knowing when the reward will come. As a result, the anxious partner learns to amplify their emotions to get attention and reassurance, becoming almost addicted to the oxytocin and dopamine that come with it.

For the Avoidant Partner:
On the flip side, avoidant traits withraw for safety, People with these traits learned that opening up emotionally could lead to feeling threatened or judged. For them, closeness and vulnerability got associated with stress hormones like cortisol rather than safety. So they learned to protect themselves by withdrawing from intimacy.

Breaking the Cycle:
he good news is that this cycle can be changed. A few practical techniques to get you started:

1. Shorter, Controlled Moments of Closeness: Instead of forcing long emotional marathons, keep moments of intimacy shorter and more controlled. That way, the avoidant partner feels safer, and the anxious partner still gets the connection they need without overwhelm.
2. Balancing Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation: Anxious individuals often seek a lot of reassurance from their partner, while avoidant individuals rely too much on themselves. The key is to find a balance: the anxious partner can learn more self-regulation, and the avoidant partner can learn to open up to co-regulation (seeking comfort together). And both partners can remember that co-regulation isn’t just from a romantic partner—it can come from friends and family too.
3. Creating Safe Communication Structures: Establishing clear, safe ways to communicate can help both partners feel more secure. When both people know they can share their needs without triggering fear or withdrawal, oxytocin can flow more freely, and the relationship feels more secure.
4. Looking Forward to Oxytocin Bonding: Finally, it’s important to get excited about the idea of bonding

 
Looking Forward to Oxytocin Bonding
One of the most uplifting parts of breaking the anxious-avoidant cycle is rediscovering the joy of true bonding. When both partners start to feel safer and more secure, they can actually look forward to those oxytocin-rich moments of connection. Instead of feeling like emotional intimacy is a battleground, it becomes something both partners can genuinely enjoy and anticipate. It’s about creating a relationship where both people feel safe enough to be themselves and to share closeness without fear.

Final Thoughts and Acknowledgments
When we understant the neurochemistry at play, and some practical tools to shift these patterns we can really affect change with compassion and care. If you’re interested in learning more about this work, definitely check out my Building Secure Attachment Course or private coaching. 

In the end, understanding the neurochemistry of anxious-avoidant attachment is a powerful step toward building healthier, more fulfilling relationships. With patience, awareness, and the right tools, it’s entirely possible to break the cycle and find the secure connection you deserve.

A Slice of Sam’s Experience of Being An Adult

Tuesday morning, rain lashing at the window - Sam wakes before the alarm, not with a jolt but with a familiar weight and warmth of the bed’s covers. Thoughts rush in and Sam notices them and begins the daily practice of gratitude, prayer - practices that keep Sam connected, calm, open and ADULT. 

Jo, Sam’s partner, is already up and moving around downstairs. “I wonder what’s up? Sam thinks.” Years ago that alone would have set something off in Sam -  a flicker of irritation, a story about being left and all the anxiety and tightness that goes with that. Yet after so much integration of new patterns and habits there is a noticing, a smile and an ease in just getting up and going to the shower. EXCITED for the day ahead!

In the kitchen, coffee is made slowly. Jo moves around the space in a way that used to land sharply: cupboards closing a little too firmly, attention half elsewhere, words brief and practical. Old Sam would have read meaning into every sound. Something’s wrong. I’ve done something. I need to fix this — or protect myself. The body would have braced without asking permission. Today, Sam feels the first hint of that brace and lets it soften. Feet on the floor. Breath out longer than in. Information, not emergency. This feels EASEFUL and JOYFUL! 

Jo says something distracted, eyes already on a screen - “Can you clean up your mess from last night, please?” There’s a familiar pull — the urge to rescue, to probe, to justify and defend.  Sam notices the urge and the story rise and fall like a wave, “mmm… interesting!” Just a pause of curiosity long enough to remember: this is just useful data. Connection doesn’t need to be forced to be real. A feeling of SATISFACTION and PRIDE emerges and Sam reaches out a hand to touch Jo’s shoulder and create some easy connection. Talking respectfully they connect and talk about the day ahead and both Sam and Jo feel the JOY of teamwork and partnership. 

Later, Sam is out walking. The air is cool. The body feels oddly light. Not because everything went perfectly, but because Sam didn’t self-abandon and stayed present. No rescuing. No persecution. No vanishing. Just presence, boundary, and choice - living in INTEGRITY feels POWERFUL. Sam’s steps are light yet purposeful. 

This is the quiet rebellion of adulthood. Not control. Not compliance. But staying in the body when old triggers knock. Letting partnership be real rather than rehearsed. Allowing friction without turning it into drama.
​
Sam keeps walking, aware that Jo will trigger things again — of course. That’s intimacy. And for the first time, that doesn’t feel like a threat. It feels like something Sam is actually EXCITED about. All the healing that is happening through the relationship is helping both Sam and Jo be AMAZING ADULTS! 


Why Adulthood Is Actually Exciting

Did you like the slice of Sam’s Story? Here’s the reframe at the heart of The Get Excited Method:

The Adult state is where energy returns.

When you’re regulated and in ‘Adult Ego State’, you gain access to capacities that feel good in both body and mind.

Adult Body: What Feels Great

• Energy comes back online — not manic or stress-fuelled, but steady, playful, usable energy that lasts and lets you enjoy things properly.
  
  
• The body relaxes into itself — breath drops, shoulders soften, and you feel that delicious sense of “I’m safe enough to be me.”
  
  
• The mind clears — fewer dramatic stories, more choice, more curiosity, more room to think and feel at the same time.
  
  
• Effort starts to feel satisfying — like building, crafting, shaping a life that actually fits you, rather than grinding to keep others happy.
  
  
• Boundaries create freedom — saying no brings relief, saying yes feels clean, and resentment and anxiety soften and melt away.
  
  
• Responsibility turns into power — you choose, you respond, you repair, and you trust yourself to handle what comes next.
  
  
• Play comes back, but grounded in wisdom — not chaotic or avoidant, but grounded, intentional, and deeply enjoyable because you’re the one steering.
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This is polyvagal gold: the ventral vagal state of safe engagement.

How? Time and practice

The shift from Child into a sustained Adult state isn’t a mindset tweak or a one-off insight — it’s a practice, built slowly through repetition, patience, and kindness toward the nervous system. Child states don’t dissolve because they’re wrong; they soften because they’re no longer needed to survive. 

Each time activation arises and you pause rather than react, something new is being laid down in the body: I can feel this and stay present. At first, Adult may only flicker on for seconds at a time — a breath taken, a boundary named, a choice not to escalate. That counts. Over time, these small moments accumulate and the nervous system learns that regulation is not a fluke but an available state. 

This is why insight alone is never enough; without safety in the body, the Child will keep grabbing the wheel. Integration happens when you repeatedly meet triggers with orientation, breath, and curiosity, then speak or act from what is actually true now, not what was once dangerous. 

There will be relapses — moments of drama, collapse, or control — and these are not failures but information. The work is not to eliminate the Child, but to let Adult become the reliable home base that can listen, respond, and repair. With time, Adult stops being something you try to access and becomes the place you naturally return to — steady, responsive, and quietly in charge.

Continue reading if you want to know more depth…

A Quick TA Refresher: Child, Parent, Adult

Transactional Analysis describes three primary ego states:

• Child – emotional, adaptive, impulsive, playful and fearful or powerless
• Parent – internalised rules, judgments, protection, control, criticism
• Adult – present-time awareness, reality-based thinking, choice, agency

None of these states are “bad.” The problem arises when Child and Parent run the show, especially under stress. That’s when life starts to feel like hard work, conflict escalates, and we slip into drama.

Child + Parent = Drama

When the nervous system is dysregulated, Child and Parent ego states often lock together into what’s commonly called the Drama Triangle:

• Victim (Child) – voiceless, overwhelmed, helpless, “this is happening to me”
• Persecutor (Critical Parent) – condemning, blaming, harsh, “you’re wrong”
• Rescuer (Controlling Parent) – reactive helping, over-functioning, fixing others

This triangle is exhausting. It burns energy, creates conflict, and makes adulthood feel like drudgery. Not because adulting is inherently dull — but because we’re not actually in Adult.

The Adult Triangle: Where Life Gets Good

The Adult ego state isn’t cold, clinical, or boring. It’s alive, regulated, and powerful. When Adult is online, we naturally move into a different triangle — one based on agency, curiosity, and responsibility.
From Victim → Voice & VulnerabilityAdult doesn’t silence emotion — it gives it language.

• Naming what’s happening factually and emotionally
• Speaking truth without collapse or attack
• Noticing:
  • bodily reactions
  • mental stories
  • habitual behaviours

This is not dumping or dramatizing. It’s clean expression.

Adult says: “This is what I’m noticing in me right now.”

That alone is deeply regulating — and empowering


From Condemning Persecutor → Calm, Compassionate Curiosity

Adult replaces judgment with interest.

• Asking questions instead of making accusations
• Softening tone, pace, and posture
• Empathising with:
  • your own inner experience
  • the other person’s nervous system state

Curiosity signals safety. Safety allows understanding. Understanding allows choice.
Adult says: “I wonder what’s going on here — in me and in you?”

From Rescuer → Respectful, Responsible Responding

Adult knows the power of the pause.

• Moving from reaction → response
• Checking:
  • What’s mine to do?
  • What’s not mine?
• Respecting autonomy — yours and theirs
• Using boundaries instead of control
• Honouring agreements (explicit and implicit) with integrity

Adult doesn’t abandon care — it refines it.

Adult says: “I can care without over-functioning.”

An Important Truth: Adult Comes After Regulation

Here’s the key mistake many people make:

They try to think their way into Adult.

But Adult is state-dependent. If the nervous system is dysregulated, Adult simply isn’t accessible — no matter how much insight you have.
Polyvagal First, Psychology SecondThe theory can sit in the background. What matters first is:

• regulation
• co-regulation
• safety cues

Only then can the mind shift state.

Core Polyvagal Practices
(The Gateway to Adult)

Before asking yourself to “be more adult,” try these:
1. Orient to Safety

• Gently look around the room
• Name 3 things you can see, 2 you can hear, 1 you can feel
• Let your eyes soften

This tells your nervous system: I’m here, and I’m safe enough.

2. Slow the Body First

• Extend the exhale
• Drop the shoulders
• Unclench the jaw
• Feel your feet or seat

You’re not calming to suppress — you’re calming to access choice.

3. Co-Regulate Where Possible

• Sit with someone safe
• Speak aloud what’s happening inside
• Use warm tone and steady pacing

Adult thrives in connection, not isolation.

Practices for Moving from Child/Parent into Adult

Once regulation is present, these practices help consolidate Adult functioning:

Practice 1: Name the Ego State (Without Judgment)

• “A Child part of me feels overwhelmed.”
• “A Parent part of me wants to criticise.”
• "I feel pain in my heart, like a scared child"

Naming creates separation — and choice.

Practice 2: The Adult Pause Before responding, ask:

1. What’s happening in my body?
2. What story is my mind telling?
3. What response aligns with my values? What would my amazing Adult do?

Even a three-second pause and a deep breath can shift everything.

Practice 3: Responsibility Scan

• What am I responsible for?
• What am I not responsible for?
• What boundary would support mutual respect here?

Adult responsibility is clear — not lost in the FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Practice 4: Get Curious on Purpose. When tempted to judge, ask:

• “What makes sense about my or their reaction?”
• “What might this part be trying to protect?”
• “How can I approach myself / the other with calmness, compassion and curiosity?”

Calm curiosity dissolves drama.

The Heart of the Get Excited Method
This method isn’t about forcing maturity or suppressing your inner child.
It’s about recognising that:

The Adult state is where vitality, dignity, pleasure, and freedom live.
When you experience that — in your body, your relationships, your work — adulthood stops feeling like something to endure and starts feeling like something to grow into.

Not grim.

Not dull.

But alive, grounded, and genuinely exciting.
And once you’ve tasted that?
You don’t need to be dragged into adulthood.
You want it.

Work With Me
Do you want to live in Adult state most of the time — grounded, responsive, awake, and steering your own life rather than being pulled into drama? My work is designed to help you build exactly that capacity, step by step. You’ll learn how to regulate your nervous system, recognise when Child or Parent has taken over, and reliably return to Adult with clarity and choice. Three options to work on this with me:

1. Building Secure Attachments is a live group meeting for 12 weeks and learning together. I run it three times a year. 
2. Work with me 1:1 to delve deeply into your own journey

Work with me and your partner(s) in relationship coaching and work your patterns out together, as a team!

Having recently returned from a 5 day retreat I thought I’d write up my experiences of this modality. 

What is Family Constellations?
Family constellations is a therapeutic approach developed by German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger that explores how unconscious family dynamics and historical traumas can influence an individual's present-day life. It works on the principle that individuals are deeply connected to their family systems and may be entangled in patterns, issues, or emotions from past generations. Through a group or individual process, the method uses representatives to physically and experientially reveal these hidden connections, leading to a resolution and release of emotional burdens. These are some principles:

• We are all part of a long line of ancestors stretching far back into the past.
• We carry their genetic code and also parts of their culture, passed on through generations.
• We have proven, scientifically, that experiences are passed through genetics, especially trauma. We call it epigenetics. A prominent Transgenerational Epigenetic Inheritance (TEI) mouse experiment, conducted by Dr. Brian Dias and Kerry Ressler at Emory University in 2013, involved conditioning male mice to fear the smell of acetophenone (which has a cherry blossom-like scent
• FC postulates that through the playing our and intervening in a person’s constellation we can heal wounds within their family but also 7 generations back and/or forward. 

My image at the top is from Silvia Siret – Family Constellations Life Coach, an old fiend of mine. Check out her page for a more detailed explanation of the processes involved. 

My first time: Ember combe with Barbera Morgan
Probably a decade ago I attended a short weekend retreat. Back then I was more sceptical, but I remember experiencing the ‘magic’ of the work. I remember taking part in other people’s constellations. As a representative for someone else’s father I felt strange feelings and odd visual memories coming up. This is a major component of how they work. Each person who is brought into the centre of the circle is asked to continuously tune in as the process unfolds. What emerges is often spooky and profound. I can’t remember much from this weekend but I have some spooky examples to come. 

2024: Buddhafield with Lisa Friedberg
I loved Lisa’s style and in particular her introduction of what FC is. We had a huge tent full of people, maybe more than 100. She said things like:

• Nothing is coincidence. We are brought together as part of a complex tapestry. 
• This is a unique constellation right now and we are here for e reason.

I remember in Lisa's workshop I got to play the part of a dead father of the woman doing the constellation. I was in tears feeling a deep love for her. There were changes during her constellation and Lisa invited us to try certain phrases, often to assist in the healing process, such as “You are my daughter and I loved you into existence”. During the consolation I hugged the woman and I really felt as if I was her father. I left feeling deeply moved, which in itself is inspiring. 

2025: Buddhafield with Richard Buckworth 
I help run the men’s area at Buddhafield and this year Richard attended, who is a seasoned pro with FC. His workshop had around 20 men in it and the man who was exploring his past constellation had themes of violence within it, meaning he had to hold of energy and it was very intense. At one point we all helped hold the man so he could rage. I found Richard’s style to be very guiding - he offered a lot of knowledge about the process and many verbal interventions for all the representatives. This stimulated a lot of emotion. It seemed to me that the facilitator’s skill and intuition is very important in this process.  I also pondered how much his interventions guided things and questioned if this was a bit of a puppet show?

Petr Málek: Path of Soul and Shadow 
I’d heard excellent things about Peter’s facilitation and to be honest I was at first sceptical, especially as, on the first night of the five day retreat I attended with him in Wales he openly shared his ideas about what was going on for some of the participants, before really setting up a safer container.
However, upon seeing him work skilfully over the next few days I began to trust his intuition, skill and love and I was profoundly inspired. He has a very direct style, a soft deep voice, which he uses skilfully, with dramatic pauses and gentle pace. He trusts himself. Some might consider this arrogant but I think he was really trying to offer truth from his heart and help trigger some emotion in people, to help them to connect to their truth. 

Constellations AND Shamanic Healings
The 5 days were incredible and we got to do a constellation or a shamanic healing for each of the 20 participants as well as engage in group discussions about the work and to hear lengthy daily sharing from each person. What emerged was a group dynamic of deep love and trust. Petr’s version of a Shamanic Healing was a more receptive version of FC which is intended to heal past life traumas. I was sceptical already, when he told us this. I also remained open to the possibilities. He has one participant lie in the middle of 8 people, who represented 8 key energies:

• North - Spirit / Soul - This was the energy that we were focused on during the retreat. Petr did some incredible exercises to encourage us to tune into and follow our spirit throughout the retreat. I really liked this mysterious quality. Whether I believe in it or not I love the feeling I get when I consider my soul.
• South - Bod 
• East - Emotions / Inner Child
• West - Heart Mind - I think this represents the more adult sense of self. In ancient Chinese medicine emotion and reason were not considered as separate.
• North East - Ancestors
• South West - Karma / Knowledge of past lives
• South East - The Dream - The mission of this person in this life
• North West - Energy - The life force that motivates the person to live

My Experience of the Shamanic Healing
I took part in supporting a female recipient and I ended up sat in the position of North West (Energy). During the healing process I witnessed a man, representing the recipient’s emotions, display real and deep grief and said some things that were incredibly apt for the participant and no one knew them beforehand. So there was no priming and the recipient did not display any clues in their body language. This is anecdotal evidence for something deeper at play. Were we really tuning into her soul and past lives?

Pondering - What Is Going On?
My theory is that we humans do have a deeper connection than we know. The subconscious and the genetic connections work on levels that we have not fully discovered. However science does have a basic understanding about mirror neurons, epigenetics and body language cues that could somewhat explain the spooky connections and coincidences. Are we picking up on subtle cues and being primed by the skilful facilitator to have strong emotional experiences? And to what end?

My Constellation
Regardless of all the rational mind stuff I went into my constellation with an open mind. In the end we only did a basic piece with a woman representing ‘love’ but she could also represent my mother, because before the constellation I shared both my wish “To feel genuine love” and some of my background, which included information about how my relationship with my mum affected me. It was a powerful piece of work that had me slowly walking towards her and acknowledging my pain but in a more truthful way. “I missed you”, “You gave me life”, 
At the end of the work I had received a powerful emotional experience to help me confirm the receiving of genuine love. I think this is what makes the therapy so powerful. Humans need profound emotional experiences to anchor psychological changes. Accepting the truth, forgiving our forebears and coming towards a positive intention is all part of it. 

Would I recommend it?
I had a fascinating time at the experience and I really liked the ‘grounding practices’ in the breaks, which included working on the land with the local community. After every break we would dance together to loud music - which I loved. Petr offered some brilliant exercises all designed to help us come back to forgiveness, acceptance and seeing our own blame and shame and how they repeat patterns of dysfunction for us. He wouldn’t put it that way but I could see the underlying processes and I was impressed. I think the danger of this work is that people get so swayed with the ‘woo’ and so enamoured with Petr that they believe it too much and can have a hard time staying grounded in the reality of the present moment. Nonetheless I would recommend it, especially if you like a challenge with a facilitator who will be quite direct and strong in his approach. 

And now...?
I’m personally going to direct my energy back towards attachment theory and habit change, grounded in evidence based approaches - both for myself and in what I offer to clients. I’m excited to add to my next course of Building Secure Attachments with some of my learnings and if you’d like to work with me please contact me today.
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I’ve just read this wonderful article about the importance of telling your story and I largely agree with it. As a counsellor my training has helped me to understand that shame lurks in our shadows and can cause havoc in our lives through unseen adaptations from negative childhood experiences and when we open up about our story we can bring that shame into conscious awareness and that enables us to accept our adaptations with compassion and then gradually change them to become more healthy and less destructive. 

Brain Biases For Survival 
However… and this is a big however… I personally think the counselling world does not educate and provide enough warnings to clients. As a coach and an advocate of mediation and positive psychology there is a very important aspect to bear in mind when framing our stories - the biases of the brain, which will always prioritize survival, and therefore FEAR (and other negative emotions that shock us). A bias is a systematic distortion of the facts, leaning towards a certain angle. Because of evolution the brain tends to bias towards:

1. Negativity - it will tend to look for problems, instead of positive  things to be grateful for
2. Amplification of problems - it will tend to make things bigger than they actually are, instead of seeing things in proportion, in a balanced way.
3. Confirmation of current beliefs - it will tend to try and uphold the beliefs already formed as these are ‘known’ and therefore ‘feel’ safer, instead of challenging beliefs and looking for new evidence. Brains love the known and fear the unknown. 

First Warning: Your Brain Doesn’t Really Want Happiness. 
With the knowledge of these things we can try to temper our stories. The first warming I would give to clients is - the brain will not want to temper the stories. It wants to hold on to the fear. The primal parts of the brain and millions of years old and have served it well to survive and reproduce. It doesn’t really care for happiness. It will always prioritize survival, and therefore fear. Drama is a great way of fueling fear.  

The Second Warning: Drama Is Addictive
The primal brain is basically addicted to drama. If you’re describing a challenging situation the brain will almost always want to dramatise it - to look for the problems and amplify them. It finds no-problem situations and factual sentences… kinda boring! Notice how when someone else tries to retell your situation without emotion the brain will get angry that the situation isn’t being presented dramatically enough. It will want to tell stories of brutal trauma and vulnerability. Whilst there is a place for that I believe that we must allow some space for raw, emotional expression and then we must try and let the stories go and come back to a healthy, balanced view. Again the brain will HATE this idea. It always wants to prioritize survival, so it will try to believe the negative and run life based on feelings instead of facts. 

The Third Warning: You Might Inadvertently Amplify Trauma
The problem with this is that it may amplify the traumatic memories and then the subsequent effects. It can become an obsessive thought pattern that can create powerfully problematic symptoms and behaviours like depression, anxiety, OCD, bitterness or even panic attacks, intrusive thoughts and more. These are known as negative feedback loops, where the results of the negative thoughts reinforce negative behaviours and then create evidence that supports more negative thoughts, 

Trauma vs Adaptation
Trauma is a real thing. I work with people who’ve lived under terrifying and unpredictable parents. I’ve worked with people who have been attacked and people who have had repeated abuse. It is important to emotionally validate how hard and traumatic these experiences were. However  ‘Developmental Trauma’ is not the event itself but the series of events and the internalised set of beliefs and behaviours that the child adapted to survive. I often define it as ‘too much, too fast, too soon, too alone’. It is times we were not only overwhelmed but didn’t have the resources and support from people to process it. 

But is everything challenging a ‘Trauma?’ 
Sometimes we define big T Trauma and little T trauma, butIt is increasingly recognized in psychology and neuroscience that many responses described as "trauma responses" are more accurately defined as adaptations to adverse, threatening, or challenging experiences. This shift in terminology emphasizes that these behaviors are not a sign of a broken system, but rather a set of intelligent, protective strategies the brain and body developed to ensure survival in the face of danger 

I fought hard to acknowledge my ‘Trauma’.
I know, I know, the brain fights this idea. It wants to cling on to the idea of trauma, because that is part of the drama triangle - the victim mindset. I think there is an important first step in identifying past pain and acknowledging how painful it was. Then as a second step we can challenge our own thinking and come to see that perhaps we have adapted to challenges and this is incredible!  There might be some benefits to taking this perspective:

• Reduces Stigma and Shame: Framing responses as adaptations helps remove the idea that a person is damaged or weak. It reframes their reactions as functional, albeit potentially no longer helpful in their current safe environment 
• Empowers Individuals: Recognizing these as protective measures highlights a person's resilience and agency, rather than just their victimhood. It acknowledges that they did what they needed to do to survive 
• Guides Treatment: Therapies can then focus not on simply eradicating "symptoms," but on helping the individual understand the original protective purpose of these adaptations and then gently updating their nervous system's response to align with current safety,
• Encourages Faith: When we see the world as challenges leading to growth we begin to see the universe as kind and helpful, even if it is rough, at times. The universe / god / our parents gave us life. Coming back to faith in life helps us feel grateful. 

The Discipline To Amplify Positivity,
As a counsellor I can attest to the power of expressing your pain and telling your story with a whole heart. It is so healing in itself, but I think that the healing job is only half complete at this point. Health is about balance. To balance the brain and the painful stories I believe we need to counteract the negative biases also. This includes:

• Recorrecting our language to be more accurate and not pedal the subtle lies within our stories (for example ‘trauma’ implies a wound
• Removing blame and shame by finding a balanced view and deeper understanding of the nuance of our past and of the people who hurt us.
• Remembering the positive parts of our past - the times where we were loved and supported or the times where we succeeded and connected beautifully.
• De-labelling ourselves and removing a fixed mindset to see ourselves as growth oriented  beings, adapting to change and choosing to make conscious choices in that process. 
• Defining the principles that you choose to lead the way in your life. 
• Practicing positive and healthy mental and physical habits. 

Positivity Is Actually Easier
The good news is you don’t have to use willpower to do this, you can use reminders. I call mindfulness Re-Mindfulness because all we’re really doing is reminding ourselves of some basic facts:

• Positivity, gratitude, appreciation and love feel great
• They also help us get things done in a more efficient way than fear
• They also help us connect more, which makes things even easier to do - teamwork makes the dream work. 
• They also help us to remember that life is good and give us more motivation to live life in a healthy and happy way. 

 
My personal practices
I’m not perfect, that’s for sure. I’m a work in progress. I can share with you what I’m attempting to do to steer myself to be more aligned with reality and to rebalance the negative mind:

1. TSP prayer, twice daily (Thank you, Sorry, Please)
2. My chosen principles are on the wall in my bathroom, where I see them daily
3. Name the brain. I call mine Jarvis - like Tony Stark’s AI computer companion. I tell it to stop thinking about things and it does! Having a separation really helps. 
4. Choosing my media carefully I've struggled with this a lot! Getting the algorithms on board helps, by clicking the appropriate like/dislike buttons on stuff you see (and reporting bad content).
   1. Reading helpful books
   2. Less news, more documentaries
   3. For downtime I read interesting fiction or play an instrument
5. Tea, lots of it, mostly decaffeinated or herbal. 
6. Listening to others and responding with empathy.
7. STEP into Worry time!  When I get emotions I stop and  note down each STEP ( Situation, Thoughts, Emotions and Potential consequences). I don’t review all these until about 4:30pm, before dinner, but after work - allocating a specific, limited period each day to focus solely on concerns.  By setting a time and place I can get on with my day and then the worry time is contained. I find it tends to be quite fun too! It helps put emotional thoughts into perspective. 

If you’d like help rediscovering you positive, playful and powerful adult self then come to a course or do some coaching with me.

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​Do you wait for your phone to be at 1% to charge it?

So why are you doing that with yourself?

Remember:

• Your body is like a battery
• The longer you keep its energy near 1% the more its capacity reduces.
• Taking a break at 50% keeps you strong, and you recharge faster.

Rest isn't a reward for exhaustion.
It's a boost for performance.

Most people  think they need to earn their breaks.
What?!

The smartest people I know build breaks into their day. Rest Rituals to keep them going. 
They don't wait for permission.
They don't wait till they collapse.
They look after the body so that the body looks after the mind. 

Try this

Notice your warning signs or set a timer for 25 mins and notice:

• Any headaches, irritability, brain fog?
• Going to get another coffee?
• Reading the same email 4 times?

Rest rituals: Take micro-breaks before you crash:

•  5 minutes every hour beats a week off sick
•  A lunch walk beats weekend burnout
• Evening shutdown ritual beats Sunday anxiety

Normalise resting when you still have energy left.

• Prevention beats recovery every time
• Your brain solves problems during downtime.
• Creativity happens in the gaps.
• Your best ideas come in the shower for a reason.

Here's what I do:

1. Design meditations or breaks for myself as AUDIO RECORDINGS (I have a library now) on the smartphone. The latest one I made is eye exercises
2. Set a timer when you work so that you look away from the screen every 25 minutes (I sometimes skip one, but never two)
3. Schedule a 2pm meeting and go rest or listen to a book/ meditation / hypnosis / podcast for 45 mins)
4. Schedule a 5pm meeting and go through your day and plan for tomorrow. 

What do you do? Would you like help in being able to change gear more easily and look after he mind and body? Do a coaching session with me. 

​Wishing you a restful day.

Neil 

Depending on where the client is at we would usually look at the following 3 stages:

1. Psychotherapy counselling - delving into the past pain to understand the client's wounds and patterns
2. Hypnosis and reprogramming - developing a set of pattern interrupts and affirm a new positive set of beliefs that changes the inner state to a more calm, confident and creative mode. 
3. Growth coaching - developing new goals and plans to create the future you. 
4. Community building - it's no good trying to do it all on your own!

Principles 

• If we focus too much on problems, diagnosis and trauma we end up amplifying them
• We simply need understanding to fuel enough  compassion and forgiveness so that we can move on 
• Neuroscience recognises the brain has a fear based primal brain that takes over the more we imagine negative things and behave in negative ways. 
• Conversely we have a rational part of the brain that is positive and solution focused that we can grow if we exercise it daily through positive thoughts, positive actions and positive interactions 
• To prevent toxic positivity we use the 80/20 principle. 20 percent of the time we acknowledge the pain and vulnerable things but then 80 percent is focused positively. 
• Humans are vision holders. We like to plan, using our binoculars forward facing vision. We need to see a clear path ahead to health and wealth. So we give clients a clear plan of action, instead of blind faith in an ambiguous process. 
• Humans are social animals. A major component of the plan is building in social connection and accountability. We are much more likely to follow through on things if we have people alongside us on the journey. 
• Relationships are therefore fundamental to happy lives and so we proscribe learning how to relate better as a fundamental part of the healing and growth journey. 

A clear roadmap:
Here is a bit more detail with an estimate of overlapping times for each part:

1. Counselling: 4-8 weeks of Psychotherapy ending in a clear instruction manual for you, which clearly defined wound origins, resulting patterns, triggers,. Pattern interrupts, healthy growth strategies 
2. Meditation and Hypnosis: 2-4 weeks of reprogramming - creating custom affirmations and visualisations that are to be used daily for a whole month, alongside positively-mindful coaching 
3. Coaching: 4-8 weeks of life coaching - looking at all 12 areas of life and establishing balanced goals whilst setting up accountability and social connection. 
4. Community Building: - Relationship coaching - working with partners to create cooperation and communication skills that enable future growth. This can happen throughout the process and can vary in time. ​

By the end of this process I want each client to have 'an instruction manual for me' - which includes a deep understanding about their past wounds and patterns, a clear set of tools and practices to help them be positive, clear and calm in the present moment and a sense of purpose and direction in looking ahead.  

If you're interested to try this get in touch with me here. 

Contrary to the sound of it THE WORK is joyful and it feels great. Yes it is work, but in some ways this is the first narrative to change. Work is hard, bad, difficult is not true. That’s an old narrative. Work is joyfully challenging and feels great is a new narrative. Can we ever completely remove our old narratives and replace them in this way? This blog explores just that question. 

Byron Katie 
experienced a severe, decade-long battle with depression, agoraphobia, and self-loathing before experiencing a profound shift in her thinking in 1986. This shift, which she calls "awakening to reality," involved realizing that suffering stemmed from believing stressful thoughts, and that freedom came from questioning those thoughts. Prior to this, she had been living in a state of paranoia, rage, and suicidal ideation, often unable to leave her bed. Was this realization an overnight shift? HELL NO. But once the first narrative shifted (realising it was her thoughts, not her soul that was in error) then she began THE WORK and created a legacy that has helped millions of people. 

THE WORK
Consists of four questions and a turnaround. It invites us to be in the present moment, with a thought linked to a specific situation and to get curious about that thought. The end result can be that in the situation you get a DIS-CONFIRMING EXPERIENCE (Where the feeling state and outcome disconfirms the old belief) but also you add a few bricks to the new neural pathway. Do this many times over and the new pathway becomes a motorway. 

Will I get rid of the old neural pathway and pattern?
No, and you don’t want to. In England we have so many quaint old lanes, with grass growing in the middle of them. We didn’t destroy the old roads but instead they became less used, overgrown and now form part of the beauty of our countryside. In the same way your brain will maintain the old addictions, the old self-beliefs of shame and fear, but instead of those being the predominant patterns, they are more like old friends. You can have more choice about whether you go down them and more objectivity when you do, allowing you to reminisce or even find them beautiful. 

Parts analogy
Another way of thinking of these old patterns is like child-parts. The mini (or big) traumas of the past remain as upset children and their strategies for getting basic needs met. For example a bullied child has a need for feeling empowered and so alongside feelings of loneliness, shame and fear they develop a belief they need to be strong to be ok and then use strategies of aggression and arrogance. This child-part persists into adulthood, because it never received love and was never given a new job/strategy to meet the need. A strategy that is in alignment with the adult self. I call the beliefs and behaviours of the child-part SHADOW MISSIONS. They are the self sabotaging missions of the child-part that don’t align with how we want to be. The solution? Change the way we relate to these child-parts and give them new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving that align with the KIND WISE ADULT MISSIONS. 

How can we change the child-parts
It’s the same process as changing the neural pathways from old narratives into new updates paths and narratives. The only difference is we humanise it, which in my view is right and healthy. We see that we are not machines or roads or computers to be updated, but instead human beings, with vulnerabilities, emotions and deep senses of meaning. If we can being to relate to ourselves in this way, using re-parenting practices, journaling, therapy and creating disconfirming experiences in our real-life relationships then gradually we learn to love oeuvres, including all these child-parts. Then they don’t need to disappear, but instead become quieter, calmer and more aligned in their strategies with the adult self. 

The spiritual dimension
As well as being human many people believe we are also spiritual in nature, meaning we are bigger than just a body on a planet. Each person has their own belief around this and we can also explore this in coaching to build upon the beliefs in helpful ways. Let’s face it, people who believe in a compassionate god who is looking out for them and guiding them to be healthy members of society are generally happier and more functional. So as we explore these concepts we can actually tap into deep states of connection and spooky things can happen that can really test our assumptions of the physical world in ways that can be supportive for us and for the world. 

Deep coaching 
This is deep work and I believe that each person has their own path with it. My facilitation and coaching is not to tell people what is right or wrong, but to be alongside a person as they do the work, to hold their hand, to encourage them back on track when they falter and to enjoy the process with them. It’s a joy and privilege for me and I am lucky that I get to learn a lot from clients as we journey alongside one another. I called my business positively-mindful because that is the way I work. I focus positively - on what the client loves and wants, and I focus on mindfulness - being present with what is, with compassion and curiosity. 

If you’d like to do the deep work of coaching and develop yourself please get in touch here.

Big Love 
Neil 

​

When was the last time you fully embraced something you couldn't fully understand? Our instinct is to simplify, to reduce, to make manageable—but what might we discover if we open ourselves to complexity instead?

Touch&Play
I help run a festival each year: Touch&Play. This year's theme was inspired by observing the group dynamics and group play of last year’s events. Jamus, Daniel and I contemplated How can we embrace the complexity inherent in group interactions—whether through play, dance, or touch?

Intention Drives Growth 
As with last year the theme can take a life of its own. In my own mind it has taken root, with some discomfort, I might add. I deliberately limit my exposure to world news partly because I see it as propaganda of cherry picked, biased, bad news which seems to make my suggestible mind lose faith in human nature. But the other reason is that the world is just so bloody complex. I found this quote: 

"Our society is complex, and we teach our students that they could just fix it. It's like: ‘go fix a military helicopter, and see how far you get with that’. You’re like a chimp with a wrench: Whack! “Oh look! It’s better!” It’s like: No! it’s not better…Things are complicated and to fix things is really hard! And you have to be like a golden tool to fix things. And you’re not! So… how do you overcome the suffering of life? Be a better person!... Well, that’s hard! It takes responsibility! I you said to someone: Do you want to have a meaningful life? Then… everything you do matters! Everything!" (Unknown) 

Overwhelm At The Problems In The World
I sometimes feel overwhelmed with life. I sometimes wake imagining what it would be like to have the power... to solve all the problems, to heal all the broken people, greedy dictators, psychopaths, gang members, human traffickers, rapists, bad parents, corrupt politicians… but then you realise the list goes on and on and on. And it includes me. I’m so utterly imperfect, greedy, selfish and like everyone else I might have good intentions but I don’t have the capacity to fully wrap my head around the complexity of all the issues. 

Ethics
Even if I extract one societal issue, like say ‘the ethics and practices of consent’ (which is something I teach on). Well it quickly becomes so vastly complex with grey areas that require consideration of nuance and context that I cannot make hard and fast rules completely. This is why Touch&Play have gone through many iterations of consent models, including enthusiastic consent, ‘messy’ consent, sovereign choice, trauma informed consent… The problem is ongoing and complex. And that is one problem in a pile of billions, each of them subtly interconnected. 

So how then do I embrace complexity and live well, without becoming overwhelmed? 
I’ve been reading ‘Humankind: A Hopeful History’ by R Bregman and what I love about it is that it cuts through the propaganda we are drip fed daily - that human beings are selfish and greedy. Instead it looks at the accurate data throughout history to see a brighter perspective; we are mostly good and descent. When crisis happens we come together and help one another. Sure, we have rotten apples, traumatised people, challenges and problems, but if you dig in to the human heart you find a core of care and compassion. People want to do good. Yes the ideology of what ‘good’ means may be different from person to person, and in different ideological groups, but if we can hold faith that the human being primarily wants to do good we can come back to life, as it really is. 

Careful With What You Input
So many movies, news stories, TV shows and literature portray humans as the opposite. Like we are fundamentally bad and we have a thin veneer of society on top, keeping us in line. Movies like Batman - where the Joker is described: “some men just want to see the world burn”. The scary thing to me is that narratives like this create and fuel ideologies. They make us believe it’s true! Then we act on those beliefs! The book cites example after example where humans were being good, but then the news reports incited violence, because people ‘thought’ that other people were being bad. It’s so simple it boils my blood with anger. 

Connection With Our Own Depths
So one thing that I feel we need in this post truth age, more than anything is the ability to discern BS, lies, fake media, propaganda for what it is - clickbait, attention seeking nonsense. To do this incredibly difficult thing we need a stronger connection to reality as it really is. How do we do that? Connect with people. Connect with ourselves. Practice mindfulness - the art of being a curious observer of thoughts, feelings, sensations and of the world around us. Stop watching the news and instead sit down and think, research, talk to real people who have really been there. A variety of people. And finally to stop thinking we can solve all the world’s problems and kidding ourselves that we even understand them and instead focus on one or two problems at a time - mostly within our own locality. 

Slow Down, Ground. Come Down To The Bedrock Of Reality
We need to build ourselves up from a bedrock of reality. From this place right here and right now. A bit like Zorro Circles - the idea that you need to master your small circles first and then expand out from there. Embracing complexity means slowing down, zooming in and coming to things mindfully and compassionately. Acknowledge our ignorance and learn to discern truth through this process. For me, this is relaxing and calming. I relax the feelings of overwhelm and remember that I can’t solve, or even understand all the world’s problems and instead I come into connection with the people around me. I become curious about how they feel and what they need. Through this is enough complexity to fill a lifetime.

The Ripple Effect
What if our greatest challenge isn't solving complexity, but learning to dance with it? The most vibrant ecosystems, the most resilient communities, and the most profound connections all thrive not despite complexity, but because of it. My experience is that if I embrace the complexities first in myself, then in the local group around me, then things ripple out from there. I don't have to fix all of the world, but just connect and create, right where I am. 

If you'd like to come and explore this concept come to Touch&Play, or any of the Group works that I do. I do this work because I want to share and enjoy the complexity of myself and others, together, ​

Image: Finding a moment of peace is easier outside in beautiful places (Pixabay)

Modern life is noisy, both on an external level and also internally.
From the moment we wake up, we’re pulled into a rush of to-do lists, notifications and measured performance. In a world that moves like this, we need to be careful that not every moment is swallowed up in the whirlpool of activity. Sometimes, it is vital to cherish the smaller pauses, as they can be the most powerful.

What is a micro moment?
A micro-moment is exactly what it sounds like; just a few moments of calm, quiet intention in an otherwise busy day. These pauses don’t call for a yoga mat, a quiet room, or a full meditation session. They’re short, accessible, and can be surprisingly effective at getting you back in the mindspace you need to be in.

Moments of slowing down
These are the moments for you to take a breath, stretch your arms, feel the ground beneath your feet for a moment, and signal to your brain: It’s OK, you’re fine, you can slow down for a minute. For many people, building small rituals into the natural transitions of the day can make all the difference. The minute to pause before you check your email. That brief liminal space between finishing lunch and heading back to your desk. The couple of minutes you wait while the kettle is boiling. These are all opportunities to ground yourself, tune in to how your body is feeling and listen to what your mind is saying.

Keep it micro
What’s important is that these moments aren’t about perfection or absolute calm. They’re about consistency. A micro-moment can be as simple as closing your eyes for ten seconds, or choosing to walk or drink water instead of scrolling on your phone. You can use the tiny moments to sit quietly, light a candle, vape, sip tea, read a book, play a game, or scribble a few thoughts on paper. These gestures may be brief - indeed, that’s the point - but they build a stronger connection to a peaceful, present place, and they add up. In some ways it's important to keep them micro - to not let them become addiction, but instead serve as a way of soothing our nervous system. 

Individual Self Expression
Remember- do what works for you. Some people use breathing prompts: in for four, hold for four, then out for four. Others have a box of things that are good for the senses, with scents or textures that make them feel grounded. Even if your micro moment is sometimes seen by others as strange or unhealthy -  you know you best.  Often the stress of conforming to society's ideas of 'healthy coping strategies' can lead to more problems than if you just allowed yourself a micro bit of cake every now and then. 

Helping Our Relationships
Taking micro-moments isn’t just good for you and your mind, either: it’s great for relationships. When you take moments to self-regulate and connect with yourself again, you’re less likely to carry tension into conversations where it doesn’t belong. Even counting to ten before replying to a text can change the tone of an entire interaction. When our relationships are less stressful and more easeful life is much better. 

Choice, not chore
As important as all of the above is, it’s also important not to view these moments as obligatory, another thing to add to the to-do list. It’s about exploiting the moments that already exist. Taking the chance to let peace slip into your day and, before long, it becomes something you can do without even thinking about it. When you start to see these moments and take advantage, they become the canvas for your everyday life.

My Micro Moments
​For me - I love to take a micro walk. I do it 4 or 5 times a day. It helps me when I'm stressed. It gives me a place to express emotion and it reminds me of the wider, natural, beautiful world, thus changing my perspective and my internal state. My challenge to you is to reflect - what mindful moments help you and how could you do more, not as a chore, but as a fun, loving, wonderful way, today?

If you'd like help with this let me know. I love helping people connect with themselves and finding more confidence and peace by using tools like micro moment. 

  First it's important to understand the theory of: 

Three Emotion Regulation Systems

1. Threat System
   It's so important to detect threats - but remember this is activated by 'perceived' dangers (not necessarily REAL danger), triggering emotions like anxiety, anger, or shame. It prepares the body for "fight, flight, or freeze" responses. While essential for survival, chronic activation can lead to heightened stress and emotional dysregulation. We are living in a world filled with propaganda, bad news and 'misinformation'. If its not Hollywood movies then it is excerpts of short videos that don't tell the truth, but sure do a good job at pretending to. 
   
   
2. Drive System
   We all intrinsically want to grow, learn, create and relate. We are motivated to pursue goals and rewards, this system elicits feelings of excitement and pleasure. However, overreliance on achievement for self-worth can result in burnout and dissatisfaction. We also have to ask ourselves 'why am I pursuing these things? Is it REALLY important to me? If not, what is important to me?' We are surrounded by Hollywood sterotypes, adverts, propaganda and external pressures that can be confusing. What is your true self driven towards?
   
   
3. Soothe System
   When Harry Harlow studied baby monkeys he realised they NEEDED soothing as much as food. A sense of calm, safety, and contentment that the Soothing System provides is essential in regulating the other two systems. It is nurtured through self-compassion and supportive relationships. Unfortunately, individuals with histories of trauma or neglect may find this system underdeveloped or difficult to access. Plus we live in a world filled with macho propaganda, glorified violence and we still alienate vulnerability in our culture. 
   
   

How They Interact Problematically

1. Overactivation of the Drive System + Threat System

What happens:
In modern life, many people overuse the Drive System to escape uncomfortable feelings triggered by the Threat System. For example: feeling not good enough (Threat) → overworking to achieve success (Drive) → brief reward → burnout, anxiety, or shame when goals are not met → back to Threat.

How it feels:

• Restlessness, chronic dissatisfaction, anxiety, low self-worth.
• “I must achieve to be safe/loved” mindset.
  
  

​ Example:
A person constantly works late to avoid feelings of failure. The temporary high of achievement masks deeper insecurities, but when praise or results stop, the Threat System reactivates with shame or fear.

2. Underdevelopment of the Soothe System

What happens:
When the Soothe System is weak (common in people with trauma, neglect, or high-pressure environments), there’s no “emotional brake.”
You can get stuck swinging between Threat and Drive, with no inner safety or contentment.

How it feels:

• Exhaustion, inner harshness, inability to relax,
• inability to self-comfort or accept kindness.

Example:
Someone tries to meditate but feels anxious or like they’re “wasting time” — because they don’t yet know how to feel safe doing nothing or being compassionate to themselves.

3. Threat Hijacks Both Systems

What happens:
The Threat System can hijack both Drive and Soothe:
It turns Drive into compulsive striving.
It blocks Soothe with fear of vulnerability (“If I relax, I’ll lose control or fail”).

How it feels:

• Always on edge. Even joyful or restful moments are short-lived or feel unsafe.
• Internal critical voice often dominates (a function of the Threat System).

How to Find Balance Among the Three Systems

✅ 1. Build Awareness of the Three Modes

• Start labeling which system you're in: "Am I chasing something (Drive)? Avoiding something (Threat)? Or nurturing myself (Soothe)?
• This creates space between feeling and reaction.
  
  
  

✅ 2. Strengthen the Soothe System Daily

• Not easy if you haven't been shown compassion, but... 
• Regular self-soothing practices: warm baths, calming breathwork, time in nature, self-compassion meditations.
• Practicing loving-kindness or compassion-focused therapy techniques helps rewire the brain to feel safe and cared for.
  
  

✅ 3. Use Soothing to Regulate the Other Two

• Not easy when you haven't been shown how, but...
• When you notice yourself stuck in Drive or Threat:
• Pause and activate the Soothe System.
• Even 30 seconds of slow breathing with one hand on the heart can reset your state.
  
  

✅ 4. Set Boundaries with the Drive System

• Not easy, especially with ADHD and other conditions, but..
• Recognize when you're using goals or tasks to avoid feelings.
• Choose "values-based" actions over "achievement-based" actions to avoid burnout.
  
  

✅ 5. Reframe the Inner Critic

• Not easy if your critic is well embedded, but...
• Realize the inner critic is part of the Threat System trying to protect you.
• Respond with compassion instead of aggression or shame. E.g., “I hear you’re scared. I’ve got this.”
  
  

✅ 6. Balance Drive with Soothe-Based Success

• Pair goal-chasing with restorative practices. E.g., pursue your goals but also schedule time for joyful, unproductive rest.
• Success is more sustainable when grounded in a calm, secure base.
  
  

✅ 7. Therapeutic Support

• Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) or Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) are great for reshaping these systems.
• Especially helpful for developing a functional Soothe System in those with trauma or attachment wound

 In Summary:

• When Threat and Drive dominate, we suffer from anxiety, burnout, and disconnection.
• The Soothe System is not optional — it's essential.
• The goal isn’t to turn off Threat or Drive, but to balance them with the Soothe System, so we can pursue goals with peace, face fear with self-kindness, and feel safe in our own minds.

I help people with this 1:1 and in relationships and in groups. I run Building Secure Attachments a few times a year to equip people with the skills and tools to do just this.