There is a lot of confusion about coaching. Many successful people see a coach regularly because they recognise that having someone offer an outside perspective and ask them useful questions allows them to take their endeavours to the next level.
I am a coach and I use the services of a coach to keep me working well. I coach using mindfulness practices to help people untangle worry and confusion, pain and suffering and rediscover clarity, inspiration and confidence. Coaching is not counselling and I'm not a qualified counsellor. The main purposes of coaching is:
The difference and similarities between Coaching and Counselling
Both approaches can be useful, and when I coach I may at times take more of a counselling approach, but I see coaching as an effective way to encourage clients to improve their self-connection, become happier and more successful in achieving chosen goals. The big question is...
DO I NEED A COACH?
No. 'Need' is a strong word. You don't need - you are a capable human even if you have lost your way a little. You can work on yourself and you will arrive at the right place. A coach will facilitate that process to make it smoother, faster and easier. It's a choice. But here are 7 clear reasons you might choose a coach to help you, even if you feel fine:
1. COMPLACENCY: When you think you’ve tried everything you get complacent and can fall into the trap of belief that “it’s hopeless” or "I know what I’m doing." This is a stagnation. Coaches challenge knowledge, and will encourage you to learn, by asking “what may I be missing?” If discovered this can shift your entire worldview and help you enjoy and acheive more than ever before.
2. BLIND SPOTS: The longer you live and work the more blind spots you develop. Coaches point them out and help you plan to clear them.
3. UNBIASED HELP: Unlike friends and family coaches are unbiased, honest and skilful communicators. Coaches say it as they see it and try and remove their prejudice. They're not invested in your choices, so they won't be tainted by them. They’ll just aim to help you find the right path for you.
4.EXTRA ENERGY AND COMPUTING POWER: You haven't always got the energy and courage to ask pertinent and difficult questions of yourself. A coach will. With the energy boost comes another human to direct it at solving issues - two heads are better than one!
5. CONFLICT RESOLUTION: A coach supports you to manage conflict effectively - to walk the line between empathy and boundaries, from a detached perspective, and with the skill of their training and practice.
6. OPENING UP: You can be more open with a trusted coach than any other business relationship, and at times, even more than intimate relationships. This is helpful, to get stuff off the chest and stop wasting energy holding it. It can also be helpful to encourage us to open up vulneraby with those you’d like to be more intimate with; to build real connections.
7. EXPAND OPTIONS AND FOCUS DECISIONS: The Coach helps you significantly expand your options, and also your decision-making ability, by facilitating you to remind yourself of what is important and what isn't.
WHAT HAPPENS IN A COACHING SESSION?
Ok, you like the sound of that, yes? Confused about what will happen in the session?
Ok, here are 6 questions for you to consider, if you are thinking coaching might be helpful:
1. Do you have the courage to acknowledge that you may need or could be helped by a coach?
2. Are you ready to question your limiting beliefs, biases and assumptions that may be stopping you from achieving your full potential, or your organization’s full potential?
3. Do you and/or your organization/relationships lack a clear vision of where they want also lack inspiration and motivation?
4. Do you need to be shaken up out coasting and slumber, to get excited and refreshed?
5. Are you working hard, and yet not achieving all of your desired results?
6. Are you ready to make a learning commitment, and then build a learning culture?
If your answer 3 or more as 'Yes', then time has come for you to get yourself a skilled coach.
WHAT SHALL WE WORK ON?
Next, ask yourself - “what areas do you want to be coached on?” or even better "what is the outcome you want from these sessions?"
Often this is straightforward, as you are aware that there is unhappiness or ineffectiveness in certain areas or situations of your life. But remember, everyone can benefit from a coach so even if life is going pretty well, we can still use a coach to iron out blind spots and improve connections.
DETAILING THE INTENTION
If I’m a little stuck I can choose to look at my lifestyle in more detail. For me I think of 10 core roles (I call them roles, because I choose to act them, and put on a slightly different persona and set of values for each). I look at each and decide how I'm doing and what issues I'm facing.
10 Roles to consider:
1. PERSONAL GROWTH & DEVELOPMENT MANAGER
2. SPIRITUAL BEING (connected to something larger than can be understood)
3. FINANCE MANAGER
4. CAREER/ BUSINESS MANAGER
5. A ROMANTIC PARTNER
6. A JOYFUL PLAYER OF RECREATION
7. A CONTRIBUTOR TO COMMUNITY
8. A FIT AN HEALTHY HUMAN
9. A CARETAKER OF MY HOME/ENVIRONMENT
10. A FAMILY MEMBER AND FRIEND
TRY IT NOW!
Take 15 minutes now to rate yourself out of 10 and then go through the issues on the ones that are lowest. Make two lists:
Positive (+) = All the things I'm doing well in (Generating well being)
Negative (-) = All the things I'm avoiding, have resistance or confusion about (Depleting energy)
here's my one to show you how it might be done:
1. PERSONAL GROWTH & DEVELOPMENT MANAGER: (7 /10)
+ I'm reading loads and writing.
- I'm avoiding more retreats and investing money in new training, my writing is unfocused and sporadic, I'm indulging in isolating myself, and in addictions like youtube/movies/fb a little too much.
2. SPIRITUAL BEING: (10 /10)
+ I'm meditating and opening up to trust life
3. FINANCE MANAGER: (7 /10)
+ I'm making money and accumulating wealth
- I'm not doing accounts as much as I'd like, I'm not creating systems, I'm not investing money wisely, I'm not planning for my future
4. CAREER/ BUSINESS MANAGER: (7 /10)
+ I'm busy, with plenty of appointments, I'm writing my book and self-learning
- I'm not responding to emails quickly enough (within 8 hrs), I'm not planning for growth, I'm not systemizing enough (invoices for example), I'm not sure where I'm headed and if the sums add up.
5. A ROMANTIC PARTNER: (8 /10)
+ I'm in love and being honest and open, I'm suggesting next steps...
- I'm not sure where it's going / if it'll work, I've not visualised enough to make sure I definitely want it.
6. A JOYFUL PLAYER OF RECREATION: (9 /10)
+ I'm playing guitar sometime, I'm climbing sometimes, I'm playing with slackliners, I'm dancing, playing board games
- I'm taking dancing too seriously,
7. A CONTRIBUTOR TO COMMUNITIES: (8 /10)
+ I'm helping a lot with BM and I'm thinking about putting together more intimacy spaces
- I'm not finding the courage or time to action the intimacy spaces, I'm avoiding social spaces a little
8. A FIT AN HEALTHY HUMAN: (8 /10)
+ I'm eating well, sleeping well, keeping fit, hydrated and stretching. I'm balancing screen and sitting time.
- I'm not as strong or flexible as I'd like, I've damaged: my shoulder blade a little
9. A CARETAKER OF MY HOME / ENVIRONMENT (6 /10)
+ I'm cleaning up efficiently, my room is tidy, my g-drive is in good order, I'm recycling and being mindful
-I'm not staying on top of mobile phone/laptop/car maintenance, I'm still making lots of trash
10. A FAMILY MEMBER AND FRIEND: (7 /10)
+ I'm in regular contact with family, and friends, I'm having dinner with friends,
- I'm avoiding going out in evening, or phone calls, I'm not relaxing and being myself as much as I'd like, I'm not being as generous as I'd like
So when I look at this I see my areas of lower score are Caretaker and Finance, followed by Family/friends, Career and Personal Growth. So to delve in and prioritise by only looking at the lowest ones first.
DEVELOPING MY INTENTION
This analysis has helped me see that a lot of my time is wasted on worry, addiction/ procrastination and not planning ahead for the future. So these are the areas to work on, within the lowest two roles:
Caretaker: I want to get my maintenance items done because they weigh on my mind. To do this I want to make a list of those items and use the 'swallow the frog' method to knock them off one-by-one. The outcome I want is to feel my house is in order and I have routines scheduled to make it easy.
Friendships: I want to be myself more, relax and be honest, generous, and make time to connect. To do this I want to think about what values I cherish, why I want these values and who in my life do I want to see more of. Then to consider how to communicate this and facilitate it happening. The outcome I want is ease, fun and honesty in my friendships.
I can then choose to look deeper at my other items in the same way, but not until I've addressed these two action points with a coach. If I slow down and take one step at a time, instead of tackling everything at once I am more effective and less stressed.
WANT A COACH?
I hope this inspires you to have a think about your life and if you want a coach to help you. If you think this is for you please get in touch - there are three ways I offer this:
1. PERSONAL COACHING: I coach people from all walks of life - some with trauma, and others who want to just enjoy life more and learn to connect to what they love, just like I am showing here. I do this in-person, at my home, or via skype, or going out for a walk-and-talks (which is the most cost effective!) Taster sessions are available now.
2.CORPORATE SESSIONS: I work in offices in groups and with individuals who'd like to improve their flow, their inspiration and their headspace, so they can work happily and effectively. Email me now if you'd like a taster session.
3. GROUP CO-COACHING TEACHING: I also offer courses in co-coaching. Sign up alone or with a friend and over a single session we can teach everyone in the group how to coach, and we can create a network of co-coaches, so that we never have to pay another penny to coach. I have used co-coaching and co-counselling over the last 5 years to help me. If you think this might be for you email me and I'll add you to the email list to let you know when the next session will be.
Ciao for now!
This blog is a sharing of some of the information I teach at the start of a mindfulness course - I've knocked it up quite quickly. The theory is informed by the work of Robert Lustig a leading US academic who studies addiction and hedonic behaviour and explains brilliantly the difference between happiness and pleasure. I've supplemented his work with my own ideas. Enjoy!
We've confused Happiness with Pleasure
If I were to ask you the difference between happiness and pleasure I'm guessing you'd struggle. That's because modern capitalism has conflated the two. I'm here to suggest we can't' do', 'take', 'get' or 'buy happiness (which means we have to ignore the marketing and social lies), because it is a balance of two things - pleasure and contentment and contentment is something trickier to get hold of. Sure there is a little more to it (meaning for one) but by realising the balance we can start to understand why we might be unhappy, when we see we are chasing our tail, so to speak. If we choose to balance serotonin and dopamine in our system then we may be on a happier track. Let me explain...
How do we find balance?
Let's start by looking at the two neurotransmitters that Robert points out...
Dopamine: is the exciting neurotransmitter that excites neurons (as a signal to pay attention) in anticipation of a stimulant. Endogenous opioid (rush of pleasure), Cortisol (rush of fear/excitement), Adrenaline (rush of energy for attack) or Endorphins (rush of pain relief), after which the neurons must close down to protect themselves, which gives a feeling of withdrawal. This is all a natural part of our motivation system, like the dog - doing, getting, busy, like:
Modern Tricks: We can now trick our reward systems with these things, which we may want to consider reducing:
Serotonin: is the down-regulator of neurons, which is a necessary component in relating, resting and digesting (food and information). If dopamine is ‘doing’, serotonin is ‘Being’ - like the sloth - slow, calm, content. Or a Cat purring nicely. We can generate this via:
Risk / Reward Cycles: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU DO, SO MUCH AS HOW YOU DO IT. Any activity can be done in a content way (with rewards), or a way that chases pleasure (with risks).
Doing something dog-like: to chase and control a pleasurable outcome risks falling into our innate bias towards negative thinking, which could negate our efforts to find pleasure. The mind may jump to negative stories as expectations are rarely met, creating confusion & craving.
Some activities encourage contentment - meditation, reading, walking, whereas others discourage contentment, like gambling or gossip. The more we ‘choose how to be’ with mindfulness the more activities can be contented.
Doing something cat-like, or sloth-like: mindfully, slowing down to to connect. This will lead us to more long-term rewards. Sex, sports, and productivity can all be a contented if we slow down and reduce our ‘need’ for pleasure and ‘avoidance’ of pain. Then we can balance our desires and find happiness in the mix.
In order to summarise I made a fun table, enjoy! It's based on the 7 differences Robert discussed, and I've made an acronym!!!
“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”
The more she meditated the more she saw that her mind was always trying to tell her stories, to make sense of the world. Many of these were ghost stories and spectres - images and words (which is all imagination provides) creating a nebulous feeling of hopelessness, pain, depression and hate. Upon the new realisation she wondered how to address the ghosts, the painful stories, beliefs and assumptions. At first she tried to just ignore them. Then she tried to cover them with positive speak, but her mind was still believing them, so it never felt safe enough to believe a new story - it just created inner conflict. The old stories had been presented to her so often that she was convinced that they were true.
So she decided to meet all the thoughts with kind questioning, with time and space, leading to a simple understanding; when our beliefs argue with reality we suffer. She treated it as meditation; allowing each question to be held, without forcing answers. Almost as if the ghost thoughts were like children - they just wanted to be heard and understood before they could move on and transform. She began to see that reality was just fine and it was only her beliefs that were causing her pain. With inquiry they evaporated like the fictitious ghosts that they were.
“When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless. An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.”
I have used these techniques of self enquiry to great effect. BK calls it THE WORK, and I have translated the questions of the work into an easy to remember acronym. I think of this as ghostbusting! It makes it fun. My ghosts are funny, silly and after some practice they are never painful, because I see they are not real and I no longer believe what they show me. With inquiry I go inside and meet them with kind questioning, loving laughter and acceptance, freeing me from any negativity. Positivity is an natural response. It floods in and I get on with enjoying. I can move on more easily and smoothly by combining meditation and inquiry. Ghosts still appear and that's ok. It’s taken me 2 years of THE WORK to reach a threshold where I catch 80% of the ghosts within a minute. If you’re just starting, go slow, take your time and know that it will get easier with practice.
Ok, you ready? Got some negative beliefs driving your pain? Think of one now - a belief about yourself or a judgement about someone else. Where are you playing a victim? Here’s the guide to T.H.E W.O.R.K:
True, Hundred, Emotional, Without, Opposites, Real, Kind-OK.
T: TRUE: Is it true?
Ask yourself “what am I thinking that is making me feel this way?”Write it down or speak it. Then inquire if it’s true.
Eg. I’m thinking “Tom is so selfish! He shouldn't be so offensive”. I think that’s true, yes.
H: HUNDRED PERCENT: Can you absolutely know, one hundred percent, it’s true?
We may be so convinced, that our honest answer for now is yes. So let’s get really clear. Only facts are true - is this fact or opinion? It can only be one. It’s either a yes or no, in this situation.
Eg. It’s not 100% true. I guess it’s an opinion.
E: EMOTIONAL REACTION: How do you feel and react when you believe the thought?
Take a moment and see how you physically react and what emotion is stirred up. Write it down.
Eg. I get really pissed off and defensive. I tell him to “shut the hell up.” It’s interesting to see my reaction and I already see how hypocritical this is… let’s keep going.
W: WITHOUT: Who would you be without the thought?
This engages our higher imagination to picture ourselves free of the belief. How would we feel and act?
Eg. I guess I’d let his comments go and I might even find a way to question them in a friendly way, without emotional upset.
O: OPPOSITES: What opposites can I find?
Thought statement can be turned around to the self, to the other, and to the opposite meaning. Try them on for size and see how they feel.
Eg. 1. I’m so selfish! He should be offensive”
2. Tom isn't selfish or offensive.”
R: REAL EXAMPLES: What genuine, concrete examples can you find to support these?
List 3 if you can. Use your memory to see what really happened and to think laterally, outside of the box, not just literally.
Eg. 1. I can see how judging is selfish, I’m taking it personally I can see how when we are honest we are sometimes offensive and that’s how it needs to be - I like his honesty.
2. I remember he was nice to me when I met him, he helped me last week and he was considerate when he and I got together yesterday. This is evidence that he’s a rounded individual who sometimes is a bit too aggressive and direct for my tastes.
K: KIND, OK?: Is it OK to be how you are? How can you be kind to yourself and others?
How could you talk kindly to yourself, as if you were someone else that you cared for?
What kind advice, plan or reframe could you offer? Write down how you are ok, you are good enough.
Eg. It’s OK for Tom to speak his mind and to look after his needs. It’s also OK for me to be upset. The kind thing to do would be to tell him, and maybe to own my feelings, as my responsibility at the same time. I can try and understand what he meant and tell him how I interpreted it and felt.
WHY THIS WORKS
The beauty of the work is that it allows us to see the thought and break it down to see it’s origins are usually in a self-judgement. You might be surprised how often the judgement we have of others are about ourselves and visa versa. When we exhibit shame - judging ourselves harshly - it is often reflected by someone elses judgment of us a long time ago, when we were young. We internalise that programming as a ghost - a voice that repeats. Until we slow down and do THE WORK of ghostbusting it will keep making us feel terrible and acting from emotional upset. With some work done we soon find that every situation that triggers the painful feelings and thoughts ( the belief inside), is a gift of self learning. We become more wiling to experince that pain and difficult situations.
My advice when using this?
ASK FOR HELP
I teach these methods in 1-1 sessions, so if you are interested please get in touch. I run Skype sessions for just £15/hr, so if you'd like to run through some of the mental projections with some help please get in touch! Email: email@example.com.
“When they attack you and you notice that you love them with all your heart, your Work is done.”
"Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful?"
You can type this question into Google and get a surprising variety of answers - not all of them are 'positive'. Some critics think mindfulness may be 'a waste of time' and others that say it may even be harmful! The scientific evidence tends to be positive. Yet Mindfulness is an art, more than a science, so it isn't black and white: on the one hand promising results about anxiety are clear - where existing anxiety exists it is reduced and focus and enjoyment increases. But on the other hand some studies suggest that mindfulness may not perform any better than other forms of education or therapy (Eg. exercise, massage, exercise, muscle relaxation, or cognitive behavioural therapy) and there is some fear of pathologising children and creating fear where it doesn't exist.
So what’s the truth?
Mindfulness is designed as a way of training the mind to be present (and playful). In the 21st Century this is a skill under threat through compulsive negative thinking, driven by mass marketing, cell phones, internet technology and old fashioned teaching and parenting, that isn’t keeping pace with the information age. Instant gratification is only one factor of these. Simon Sineck spoke provocatively about how this creates first impatience and entitlement, and then fragility of ego, emotions and mind. These problems do exist, even if they do not seem apparent in a young person, at the present moment.
Well - here’s the thing. Mindfulness, just like anything else, is not for everyone and certainly the timing of the invitation to study and practice mindfulness may not be the right timing for every student in the classroom. Mindfulness is far more than meditation. The work that I do often has to involve parents and teachers in order to be truly effective, and that’s not often possible. And that’s ok, because there are a few key points that journalism fails to recognise::
I have recently trained in a new course to teach to students aged 8-13 years - written by Youth Mindfulness. The reason I liked this course even more than my training by the Mindfulness in Schools Project (which I trained in two years ago, to teach teenagers). This course has a beautiful arc to the teaching:
What’s The Research?
There are dozens of reports into emotional wellbeing and mindfulness, including the government's own paper on wellbeing. The Youth Mindfulness website shows a study conducted at the University of Edinburgh in 2014, exploring children’s experiences of the Youth Mindfulness Kids Programme. The results included:
Help me teach more young people and teachers:
I am now looking for schools to teach to in 2018, so I have a favour to ask: Please could you spread the word and pass this blog onto someone you know in education. If you believe children could use a hand with emotional intelligence and cultivating skills mentioned here then please help me to facilitate that.
Mindfulness Practitioner, Positively-Mindful.com
In Part 1 we looked at how we create our own suffering, our own drama and our own healing - within our minds. When we forget to be mindful we often blame the Act or Actor (A) for our Consequences (C) - such as emotional reactions. I proposed the idea of the ABC model - where our Beliefs (B) are responsible for our reactions. However, because our Beliefs are often inaccurate, based on old data or old scripts embedded within us, these reactions lead to Drama. In this blog I’ll explore a more in-depth look at how this happens and what we can do to reclaim a moment of power, leading to a re-balancing, away from drama.
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
HOW WE FORM OUR REACTIVE ROLES - TESTING THOUGHTS
Psychologists theorise that the ‘personality’ is formed by the time we are four or five as the mind’s primary method to survive, manage and thrive in a world of confusing social interactions and experiences. (others believe the mind remains neuroplastic throughout life). The ‘Persona’ (from the Latin for “mask; character”) is the external face of the ego (who we ‘think’ we are) and it helps us to stay safe from external social and physical harm during this vulnerable period. The persona is made of a set of beliefs, governing the behaviour. We form beliefs through testing thoughts (maybe once or twice) and then believing the resulting observation and feeling
"Once you convince yourself of something it is very hard to change your mind. Especially if you've been reinforcing that belief for years!" - Guy Winch
EXAMPLE OF MISINTERPRETATION
Here’s an example from my life: I noticed sometimes when people pushed me away and I then had this internal thought: “My friends don’t like me,” So I tested:
Test 1 = I wanted share something difficult, they told me to piss off.
Test 2 = They didn’t like me when I was crying,
Test 3 = I asked to play with them and they laughed at me,
Concluding (tragic misinterpreted) belief = I’m not likeable and I shouldn’t share or ask for help.
FORMING REACTIONS (WITHIN THE NERVOUS SYSTEM)
Now we can clearly see the fallacy in that, but if the tests were painful then the belief is formed to protect them from future pain and it’’s lodged in the nervous system. The irony is that the belief just delays and draws out the pain, over a much longer period and it is often based on misinterpretations. The 4 year old me, in the example, may well now form impulsive reactions whenever that thought arises - actions like aggression or crying. This behaviour will affect future interactions - the child hides pain, because of shame, and those actions will in turn get misinterpreted by others. The cycle of miscommunication and reactivity continues. If some key people in that child’s life join the party of reinforcing voices (mum/ dad / close friends) then it’s likely that the unmet needs embed reactivity even deeper, in the following ways:
THE PERSONA ISN’T REAL - IT’S MADE OF IMAGES, BASED ON BELIEFS
The Greeks wore many persona masks for theatrical roles, as I learned from clowning. For social beings like humans it is essential to have an array of personality traits and masks to protect us and help us thrive in many situations - they are brilliant mechanisms. Though, if we forget that we are wearing one, then we may identify ‘who we are’ as ‘the role’. We become the mask/persona - and we confuse drama as real life, temporarily losing the ability to step back from the role when it becomes overwhelming, especially if we are wearing masks based on ‘faulty’ scripts that have dysfunctional behaviour reactions. If we want to relax these reactions we need to first fully become aware of the mask, realising it’s based on false interpretations and it is not who we really are.
"The Roles Are Not Real!"
SEEING THE MASKS WE WEAR
A useful model to conceptualise the roles within drama is The Karpman ‘Drama Triangle’ - originally conceived by Steven Karpman, based on the Transactional Analysis work of Eric Berne in the 1950’s. These models inform my model, outlined below, which provides a tool to recognising and then transforming the masks we wear, through a process of Enquiry & Empathy to gain ‘Perspective’ (discussed later).To begin let’s look at the three main roles of ‘Drama’ and link them to the internally triggered reactions (which could be any of the TIES; Thoughts, Impulses, Emotions and Sensations) but also look at how the reactions can be directed outwards and then inwards:
1. Victim Vampire:
When we think the world is against us, feel hopeless and cannot see a way forward. We believe that life is unhelpfully happening TO us. This thinking gradually saps our energy - like an energy vampire, or parasite, which is akin to sadness and later, depression. Internally we all have an inner victim, born from our childhood injustices
Thoughts are usually blank (as are words), but could include things like “It’s awful”, “It’s hopeless” “The world an ugly.evil place” “I can’t…” “I’m fed up.”
Impulses include shallow, quiet breathing with occasional sighs/yawns, retreating away from others/work, tiredness, staying in bed etc.
Emotions include hurt, sadness, hopelessness and shame (mixed with fear). This may include flare ups of anger.
Sensations: Numbness, but subtle sensations in the eyes/tear ducts, low feelings in the heart and belly.
Outwardly, This often begins by seeing the world as working ‘against’ us in some way, and relating in a way that is meek and powerless, which only serves to further dis empower us. We may get angry and move to the Critic role.
Inwardly we might just feel terrible and continue with inaction, reinforcing the role. We might feel pity for ourselves and Rescue ourselves, at its most extreme by becoming depressed or suicidal.
2. Condemning Critic:
When we see something unjust or that doesn't fit with our beliefs about the way the world ‘should be’ then we might re-actively criticise. On a low level we offer advice from a sense of urgency, need and even panic, which often comes across as ‘condemning’ and persecuting. The high end of the spectrum behaviour could include alienation, oppression or even violence. This can be directed inward or outward too.
Thoughts are usually judgmental, defensive or instructive: “Idiot!” “Stop it!” “Get on with it!”“You should/shouldn’t…” “I need to/must…” “You can’t…” “They (other) are wrong and should change…”
Impulses include forcing something to stop or change, forming fists and shaking with faster, forceful breath. A sense of needing to do something.
Emotions include frustration, exasperation, anger, rage, injustice, offence (mixed with fear).
Sensations: Intensity in the fists, jaw, eyebrows, sternum.
Outwardly: We name, blame and shame others to get them to change as they remind us of something we hate to see (and perhaps repress within ourselves). Sometimes others get hurt in this process or we see others as victims in some way - then we might switch roles to that of a rescuer.
Inwardly: The ‘Inner Critic’ can be a powerful force to motivate us, but when it become ‘condemning’ we begin to blame ourselves and quickly switch back to a Victim or we cover it up with Rescuing, reinforcing the role and proving to ourselves that we need more criticism!
3. Reactive Rescuer
Everyone loves a hero and we secretly all want to share in that glory. The rescuer barely stops for a breath and tries to fix things to avoid others from feeling pain.
Thoughts are usually appeasing, diminishing or heroic / noble, like: “You’re right!” “It’s not that bad….” “You deserve better…”
Impulses include trying to cover something, appease, hold hands up, hug, connect or talk over.
Emotions include guilt, pity, embarrassment, anxiety, pride, panic or even sexual arousal (depending on the sponsoring thought)
Sensations: Blushing, throat closing, stomach dropping.
Outwardly: We get involved in situations that are not our business - we offer advice or reassurance, without it being asked for. We do things for others, without consent. This comes from an energy of fear, guilt and sadness. This behaviour often feeds victim mentality in others. We forget that their pain is ultimately their responsibility - their work. Until they ask for help, or it is obvious that it is needed we only dis empower by rescuing. They may become ungrateful for that, in which case we will become the Critic or Victim again.
Inwardly: The part of us that binges and uses addictions to mask emotional discomfort. It prevents us from self-reflection and facing up to the consequences of our actions, because, like the Victim we perceive this as an unjust world, which needs to be fixed so as not to be seen or felt.
Within this concept, whenever our words and actions are governed by an emotional reaction we are expressing from a dramatic role. We judge internally first and then we judge others based on what we suppress in ourselves.
Eg. If I interpreted the belief (from when I was younger) “I shouldn’t show off” when I was regularly told to ‘shut up’ then I might learn to suppress it. Then when I observe others acting expressively I might judge them, covering up my own pain by judging them - projecting a false image onto them by:
Naming: I give them a label, either negative (eg. Stupid) or positive (eg. amazing). Undue admiration can be a form of rescuing, whilst most negative labels are usually part of...
Blaming: I see them as at fault, as wrong, as an ‘other’ (known as othering) - perhaps even an ‘evil’ other. I might feel annoyance and may begin advising as the Critic (eg “They should shut-up!”) or I turn blaming inward, leading to…
Shaming: Internally I use my Critic and Victim in negative comparison = “I can’t do that, I wish I could. Outward shaming may also occur from the perspective of a Rescuer (eg. “I need to celebrate this person and tell others to leave them alone!”) or Critic (eg. “I’ll make a joke about them”)
OTHERS NEED TO CHANGE
Ultimately all roles are based on a victim mentality - believing we live in an unjust world, that is hopeless - a constant, never-ending struggle. When this philophy and the corresponding behaviour is supported by rescuers it becomes a source of small power. We can use victim strategies to get some small needs met. Letting go of that small leverage can seem crazy, even impossible, so we may cling to it, to our identification as a victim and how others need to change, to make us happy. We use othering to forget that we are all similar in this regard.
BEGIN WITH SEEING IT - SPOT THE SQUIRREL
Alcoholics Anonymous have a saying: “If you spot it you’ve got it”. Once we consciously name what’s really happening we have the power to pause and then act positively. These games of naming, blaming or shaming are ways we get distracted from the reality of the feeling senses. It’s like in the film ‘Up’ when the dog gets distracted by a squirrel. So we simply play a game of ‘Spot the Squirrel’ or ‘Spot the reaction’ that the body and mind has, before we could consciously respond. These could be:
So to begin with see if you can spot the Thoughts, Emotions, Impulses or Sensations of one of the roles and then we can spit the role we are playing and maybe even the role we are casting onto others (including the world around us!)
The basics of this are:
In Part 3 I’ll discuss ways in which ‘Presence’ can put us in touch with different roles, which we can influence and choose. Stay tuned, or if you’d like to reduce the drama in your life now, contact me today for a 1-1 session.
LIFE IS PLAY AND PRESENCE
I wrote once before about changing the game we play - the drama triangle. I have since reflected upon this concept and refined it, adding useful tools to help us come back to balance and step out of drama whenever desired. I believe that life is ‘play’ - be it a drama, a romance, or a comedy of errors! Yet perhaps it is simultaneously a perfect single moment, when we are in ‘presence’. The processes described in this blog provide ways to remind us of that presence and step back into the moment, any time we choose, using empathy and perspective.
“All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts”
OWNING YOUR STORIES
We do this with the stories we tell ourselves, which we have interpreted and embodied from years of social interactions (which we call ‘conditioning’). Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) is a type of cognitive therapy first used by Albert Ellis. It focuses on resolving stressful emotional and behavioural patterns, much like the beautiful ‘Work’ of Byron Katie. The goal of these therapies is to help the person reframe their personal truths - changing painful and irrational beliefs into more truthful, kind and rational ones, through the process of self-enquiry.
UNDERSTANDING HOW WE DO THAT
Ellis gave us the ABC model to show us how simple it is! He recognized that when a single stimulus, or ‘Act’ (A) happens there can be many Consequences (C). For example, a man walks past a crowd, smiling to himself. This simple ‘Act’ results in the following: Observer (1) smiles back at the man, with a sense of happiness. Observer (2) feels offended, and frowns at the man. These different ‘Consequences’ (C) demonstrate that A is not necessarily directly responsible for C. That’s because different individuals have their own subjective ‘Beliefs’ (B) at play. In situations involving the mind (that’s pretty much all observed situations!) the Belief is the cause of the Consequence - because it is the lens we see the world through.
(Observer 2: Thought “He’s mocking me”, Impulse: Frown, Emotion: Anger, Sensation: Tension)
ALL DRAMA IS BASED ON BELIEFS
Most of our actions in life are based on ‘unconscious’ beliefs, embedded in the body and nervous system. Stress reactions, like in Observer 2, tend to activate the amygdala and reduce the functions of the higher, open and optimistic mind, through the release of cortisol and adrenaline into the blood. So it will be even harder for that person to recognise that a ‘Belief’ within themselves was responsible for the reaction. This means Observer 2 may then blame the ‘Act’/‘Actor’. If we go through life unaware of these beliefs, due to stress, we identify as a role and we get caught in ‘Drama’. If we practice mindfulness we wake up to more consciousness of our thoughts, and we can then exercise choice. So I’ve added a bit to the end to show a way back out through the process of Empathy and Enquiry.
D: Drama: the play of scripted roles, which we believe are in ‘society’ but are actually in us.
E: Empathy & Enquiry: the feeling into emotions and questioning of our thoughts.
EMPATHY AND ENQUIRY
If we challenge our Beliefs in a kind and loving way then we can learn something about ourselves, we can let go of damaging emotions and come to a peaceful understanding and conscious actions. This process would take us back through a reframed alphabet:
E: Empathy & Enquiry - pause and ‘feel’ into the emotional reaction. This may require having a SEAT, and listening to the body. Asking it what it is ‘feeling and needing’ (as in the work of NVC)
D: Decide - making a choice to ‘Bin it’ (let it go and move on), ‘Bag it’ (record the experience for processing later) or ‘Bring it’ (address this right now).
C: Curiosity - the enquiring mind asks: “What am I believing? Is it true?” (Check out ‘The Work’ of Byron Katie).
B: Befriend - remember that this is a friendly universe if we act and think it so. This is optimism - creating an optimal outcome through choosing thoughts that are true and feel good. We can start by befriending ourselves, and if we have the capacity, we can befriend the triggering Act (or Actor) This is covered more in Part 2.
A: Act/Ask: we can now act from a place of wisdom and love, which often involves asking questions for clarity or to help get needs met. Or a more simple question might be “Would I rather be right, or happy?’
That is a lot to remember, but really all you need to remember is:
This is the first part. Next week in Part 2, I’ll show some more techniques to come out of drama by identifying some of the main categories and characters our beliefs take, and then in Part 3 a simple way to change the scripts! Part 4 will go deeper still. Stay tuned, or if you’d like to reduce the drama in your life, contact me today for a 1-1 session.
Sleep - one of the most important elements of good physical and mental health. It is well known that quality sleep is more important than quantity of sleep, within certain parameters, and depending on age. Within this blog I'll talk briefly about that and then about how you can, not only attain better quality of sleep, but also to use it to help you mould your mind to your heart's desire!
A BRIEF SCIENCE OF SLEEP
At night our mind is very active whilst our body is quiet. Cellular repair occurs at a higher rate and the Glymphatic system in the spinal cord and brain clears out accumulated waste products, which can only occur during unconsciousness. Modern science understands that there are about 4-5 stages of sleep. Each stage takes some time. Stage 4/5 is known as deep or 'REM' sleep (Rapid Eye Movement). In this deep sleep the brain rests and re-organises. It is healing time for the brain to cycle through these stages. Other stages are more about refreshing the mind over shorter periods. Without dipping into REM sleep our brains and bodies grow tired and unfocused.
Power naps of 0-30 minutes will take you to stage 2 at most, which promotes refreshness. More than this will risk going into stage 4-6, which will make you groggy Also adding a caffeine amount, like coffee or tea, as you sleep, can help, because it takes about 30 minutes to come into the blood. Perfect timing for power naps. Alcohol blocks REM sleep.
Even Thomas Edison power napped! His attitude and invention (the light bulb) helped break us out of our 'Circadian Rhythms'. His attitude was that we didn't need sleep - it was considered 'lazy'. Unlike Eddison I think 700 million years of evolution and modern science shows us that quality sleep of 7-8 hrs is probably one of the most important functions of the human body, to stay healthy. See the 8 minute video below for more information.
Mindful moments can give us similar results to that of a power nap, especially when on lives in non-resistance - because then our pre-frontal cortex is a bit quieter, when we are non-judgemental. The art of meditation is to enter into a relaxed awareness, that holds all thoughts, sensations, emotions and impulses in a space of non-judgemental, or even 'loving' observation.
You see there are two approximates 'ways' or 'attitudes' of looking at things, one is in resistance (judgmental, analytical, fearful) and the other is in non-resistance (accepting, allowing, appreciating) and this tends to be quiet and serene, even loving! Resistance is negative, for it depletes the body. Mindful moments break the cycle of negative thinking and put our minds into a restful awareness, which can be even better than a power nap, because it also helps us discover things about ourselves, experientially!
HOW TO GET QUALITY SLEEP
Cultivating 'quality' is the key, (more than quantity). So how do we do that? There is a lot of research on this and still no one really knows for sure. What has been deduced so far is that reducing noise and light in the room can be incredibly helpful (or using eye masks and ear plugs!) However, my theory is much more subtle and impossible to measure and it comes down to cultivating a similar mindset as we see in meditation. Let me explain...
RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR INNER ANIMAL
There is an old, but interesting theory of how the brain can be seen as split into 3 types, according to evolution: The Reptilian Brain, which deals with bodily functions, The Mammalian Brain, which evolved to deal with emotions and chimp-like social structures, and the Neo-Cortex, or 'Human Brain', which is the most recent extension of the chimp brain allows us to imagine complex things that don't exist, using logic and reason. It is thought that this brain evolved with our use of language. We can almost imagine these 3 parts of the brain in relationship with one another, as this long, fascinating article by WaitButWhy discusses.
This is one way of looking at the brain, that may not be wholly accurate, but helps us to get an understanding of the relationship within the brain. When we place our attention, with our rational mind, on our body, with a judgemental attitude the body often responds like a chimp or reptile would - with a reaction of tension and emotion (like fear/ anger). If we cultivate a non-judgemental (or loving) attitude with the animal parts of us, they will gradually soften and relax. This is likened to horse whispering vs forcing the horse to comply. It takes time to reestablish this trust. It is only when there is self-trust that one can sleep soundly. Trust is an essential part of being able to sleep with another - even if that other is a part of you!
Alan Watts talks about not being able to force anything. If you keep forcing something it will eventually push back. When we find ourselves in insomnia, for whatever reason, it can create panic. Thoughts can quickly become negative and unhelpful. "I need to sleep" is an unhelpful thought. Then we knee-jerk react into all kinds of negative postures, adrenaline inducing thinking and breathing (as described in my last post, about the Stress Spiral). This subtle 'need' can be a hindrance to the trust that is required for healthy sleep. When we trust that our bodies will naturally fall to sleep then it takes care of itself. So how do we reestablish trust? I have found these practices to be effective:
1. Ask and Listen - be open to what is. This could be a meditation, a jourrnalling exercise or even talking to yourself.
2. Breathe and Move - proof that you trust. This could be yoga, mindful walking, catharsis or even exercise.
ASKING AND LISTENING
Jamie Catto calls this 'Full Body Listening'. Asking the body what it needs, and listening for a response is a sign of respect and empathy. Breathing and moving calmly provides space for the body to be. This will, in time give you a better relationship and perspective on what your animal body/mind wants and needs in order to trust and therefore sleep soundly.
We used to have very different Circadian rhythms. Often people would wake up in the night and reflect, think, write, talk or read to candlelight. It was a quiet time for contemplation. When the mind was ready it would get sleepy again, usually after about an hour. But resistance to this process would prolong it! Whereas a natural 'allowing' of the minds changing states can give you plenty of sleep, help you get more done and allow you to feel good about it! The trick is to let go of the negative thinking - the idea that you'need' to sleep 8 hours. This can be tricky and I have specific tools to help with this and to combat insomnia - contact me for more information.
CULTIVATE A NIGHT ROUTINE
This is a simple tool - setting the body and mind up for sleep can be a useful way of influencing the quality and regularity of sleep. I have therefore developed a super low-energy routine that will allow you to build trust, refocus positively and therefore allow the subconscious and animal parts of the brain and body to relax and sleep well. This involves a tricky art of awareness, allowing and appreciating. It builds trust slowly, but in order to be effective it must be repeated many times. This is why meditation is only effective is you practice regularly. The NIGHT routine will attune your mind to look for things that resonate with the focus of:
NOTE: Take a moment and note what you did in your day.
INSPIRE OR INQUIRE: Do something to inspire you, or recognise what/who inspired you today, OR ask questions to re frame your day.
GRATITUDE: Place your mind on something or someone you feel grateful for.
HONOUR: yourself. Take a moment to honour your needs, especially physical needs.
TOMORROW: Decide on a wake up time, visualise the start of your day or intention.
I also developed a slightly longer and more involved routine called DREAMTIME. Try one for yourself, and let me know how it goes. Here is the full NIGHT routine. Enjoy or develop your own, and sleep well!
For more help contact me for some 1-1 sessions and let's allow the mind to find a peaceful sleep.
Last week I ran another session for a private company. In the session everyone agreed that mindfulness could have a hugely positive impact in balancing their minds. They recognised that compulsive analytical and future based thinking has become ingrained by their lifestyle. The fact that it was now a habit and addiction meant it was very hard to relax and gain perspective on difficult situations. Practising the skill of being in the present moment, with less judgement can balance that and provide more ease, relaxation and focus. So I posed the question:
How could you bring this into your work day and your workplace?
1. Use the commute as part of a morning meditation routine
The morning time is a great time to practice, because it can set you upon a trajectory. Some people (like me) have a lot more energy in the morning. If you find you are an evening person you can flip this to the evening commute, or maybe even adopt a bedtime practice. Meditating before bed has been shown to give the subconscious mind a positive focus, which helps you think clearer the next day, and promotes healthier sleep. Eckhart Tolle describes the most simple practice in his book ‘The Power of Now’:
When you are unoccupied for a few minutes, and especially last thing at night before falling asleep and first thing in the morning before getting up, “flood” your body with consciousness. Close your eyes. Lie flat on your back. Choose ￼different parts of your body to focus your attention on briefly at first: hands, feet, arms, legs, abdomen, chest, head, and so on. Feel the life energy inside those parts as intensely as you can. Stay with each part for fifteen seconds or so. Then let your attention run through the body like a wave a few times, from feet to head and back again. This need only take a minute or so…” - Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
So you see, one can meditate on the bus, in bed or waiting around. Remember that meditation is a deliberate practice - choosing to be in the ‘here and now’, relaxing judgements and simply being with your experiences.
2. Take regular breaks and ‘Mindful Moments’
It is often said that Mindfulness is more like Re-Mindfulness. It is simply reminding yourself of what you know, but often forget, because of the myriad of life situations that you deem as ‘important’. Remember that important comes from the French word ‘Porte’ which means ‘carry’. When we make many things important life can feel very heavy and the body takes this strain as tension and stress.
We want to remind ourselves not to confuse ‘life’, which flows through us in this moment (lifeforce), with the ‘life situation’, which is just a set of beliefs, expectations, memories and ideas, relating to the place we find ourselves in. The life situation is rarely as important as ‘life’ and if we overburden ourselves in lifestyle then we risk interrupting life’s flow and damaging the body and mind. Relaxation is a way to come back into flow.
Repetition is the key to remembering that we are more than our situations. So by taking regular mini-moments in the day we can build in the reminders that we are always ok, inside. We can tune in at any time. The more we do this, the easier it becomes. A mindful moment can be as simple as a FOFBOC, which I teach to young people. Listening and feeling inside the body and taking your time is at the cornerstone of this practice. It is like hitting the reset button on the compulsively thinking mind and dropping into the senses for a brief period of time.
3. Practice Gratitude and Generosity
Emotions are the key to flow; being joyfully engaged and focused in what you are doing, without mental resistance. This state can be enhanced by cultivating emotions like joy. The practices of appreciation and altruism have been shown to provide the most beneficial emotional lifts, bringing you into joy much easier.
I created a tool called a LIFT, to give you meditation, mindful moments and uplifiting emotional practices in a short 2 minute window! Anyone can do it at any time!
LIFT stands for:
LIFT UP WITH AWARENESS AND BREATH
Awareness of breathwww.positively-mindful.com/blog/breath-works-practices-to-program-bold-focus is the first key, because as this spiral begins with focus and breath so can we interrupt it and end it. Refocusing into the present moment. Noticing and calming the breath, these are two ways to come back into presence. Then using gratitude we can ground the emotions away from fear and emotional reactivity and towards generosity with our time and energy.
Tribal societies have long known that when lost or scared in the jungle often the biggest enemy is fear, stress and panic. These things are in the mind - whereas hazards and danger are based in reality. They found the best thing to do when lost or scared was to stop, take a knee, listen to the surroundings, feel your body and ‘tune in’. Through one's calm senses one virtually hear the pulse of the environment. This practice not only helps you find your way, but primarily it calms the body and helps one come back to a more objective perspective of reality. This is the best way to deal with rising panic, which is the greatest threat to an animal, when in danger. A side effect is that one also remembers the beauty of the world. Gratitude and generosity are simply side effects of this.
APPLYING IT TO THE OFFICE
In the modern office we are removed from wild nature, so if you consciously practice a LIFT regularly you’ll build these reflexes of mindfulness, gratitude and generosity into your automatic response to the indicators of stress. The film After Earth showed how this can work very clearly. We can learn lessons from tribal people and introduce moments of rest, stopping to realise the truth of our situation and bring calm into the body and mind. Enjoy!
Contact me if you want a free mindfulness session in your office! Calm that stress!
And if you liked that you can even apply this survival guide’s advice in the office - Stopping and building up a base of knowledge, assessing objectively from a relaxed state.
PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS STARTS WITH COERCION
The term ‘Abuse’ is marked by the 'prolonged and repeated' use of fear, control and coercion to get an 'egoic' need met. An egoic need, it is something ‘we think we need’ and often results in a strategy of defending an ideology or belief; putting up walls of judgement and defence, instead of connecting to ourselves or others with empathy. For instance, the simple belief that ‘I am right’ might close the mind to hearing other perspectives and opinions. Or a belief that ‘I am trapped’ for example, might lead one to trap others as a form of feeling less trapped themselves - particularly in their relationships. Addressing and changing these types of beliefs and behaviours is part of why we engage in relationships and. Growth within healthy relating, happens through skillful communication. If behaviours of coercion or control persist, without consent one could label it as abuse.
MINDFUL AWARENESS - WE DO IT TO OURSELVES
Some internal beliefs get stuck through being unaware of them. Mindfulness invites us to recognise the mind/body and gradually increase our awareness of the Sensations, Emotions, Impulses and Thoughts (SITE). This can help us to recognise our internal beliefs and respond to them - to reshape them without violence. With this level of awareness any internal stress reaction or external coercive behaviour can be more easily recognised early. By positive I mean one that generates an outcome that is beneficial to all, like a kind and honest conversation.
COERCION VS CONSENT + COMMUNICATIION
The opposite of coercion is respectful consent - the voluntary giving of one's time, energy and attention. I often say that my acronym for L.O.V.E is to ‘Let One Voluntarily Express’. It starts within each of us, to notice and allow own internal mind stuff to be there, without knee-jerk reaction of suppression or projection. We can then more effectively investigate it, understand it and either 'let it be' or change it gradually, without violence.
This makes it easier to allow other people to express themselves and creates space for both people to 'be' (themselves) and see any coercive behaviour early. Skillful communication comes with honest 'yes's' & ‘no's’ (boundaries) A 'no ' needn't mean complete rejection and can still make it likely for a win-win situation to occur, because it is honest. Real intimacy happens through sensitive and courageous honesty; allowing relationships to become even more beautiful because of the flaws and vulnerability involved in letting go of control. It can see very scary to do these things, at first.
"One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year."
WE ARE ALL ABUSED AND ABUSERS
All of us have been too under-resourced (of time/energy/awareness) at times, to deal with the internal stress responses and be aware of deeper feelings. There might be a feeling of insecurity. In this state we sometimes forget that we don’t need external validation to be 'ok' and we might begin to use coercion to get it, even on those close to us. On the receiving end, if we then do things that the body doesn’t want it can cause pain and damages our own self-trust, as well as the relationship trust. Sometimes one might then blame the other as ‘abusive’ or label ourselves as ‘a victim of abuse’. It is important that we ARE allowed to do that, so that we can seek help and/or retreat and protect ourselves in the first instance and gain perspective. The danger comes in dwelling in a place of stress reactions, including blame and shame, without noticing our belief patterns and the truth of them, thereby developing internal patterns of abuse, such as these:
1. Initially one shuts down emotions and disconnects from bodily senses. Numbing the pain ‘seems’ better - but of course pain is your body’s way of telling you ‘no’. We let fear and expectations rule our responses more often than listening to the body and responding with respect.
2. With repetition gradual conditioning occurs, rewiring the brain for external validation. We do this to ourselves and each other by repeatedly overriding the body without taking time to understand the true source, One might get a misunderstanding that the source of pain is external, and seek to rescue ourselves by trying to appease an abuser or get approval externally.
3. One develops craving and addiction (or co-dependence) to the role or the ways of relating/thinking, or even to a abusive person. When this role/relationship is threatened life can suddenly feel terrifying. Feelings of fear, anxiety, abandonment and hopelessness can occur - this pain and confusion is because one’s safety has become associated with the role and relationship.
4. One becomes a passive ‘doormat’ and unconsciously feeds the abusive pattern. Eventually the addiction becomes normal and familiar. We seek out relationships that supply similar behaviour. The neurological pathway of that pattern is well used, and becomes like a slide back to the negative behaviour. Humans like ease, familiarity and certainty, because it takes less energy and helps them feel safe.
5. Fatigue sets in, through holding unconscious resentment and fear/distrust. Without awareness of the true source of pain hopeless beliefs emerge and these sap vital energy. The fear underneath is held as tension in the body and anger in the mind and will eventually emerge, often violently, if not dealt with as early as possible. This is the body’s way of defending itself, but it’s a risky strategy for physical and mental health for everyone involved. Long term tension is destructive.
6. Eventually one loses / forgets one's deeper identity as a beautiful and inherently valuable being. When we are conditioned to identify as hopeless we may think we ‘deserve’ the abuse / pain. This is deep shame; humiliation or distress at one's own condition or existence. Toxic beliefs of ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m a liability’ can become normal. This can lead to depression, chronic anxiety, panic attacks and even homicide or suicide.
IT TAKES COURAGE TO LET GO OF BLAME AND CHANGE SOMETHING
I’ve seen people emerge from the depths of this shame-blame cycle to recover and become resilient, happy individuals with healthy relationships. This article is not concerned with ‘who’ is at fault, but is interested in helping each of us recognise our potential to help ourselves and one another. We can trace the origins of abuse back thousands of years and never get to the source at fault, because the source is always ourselves. Alan Watt’s calls this “The Birth of Responsibility” - seeing that hurt people, without mindfulness and love, always hurt other people, and we can only change that by working on ourselves first. I’ve laid out some ways to do that here:
1. Gradually raise awareness of emotions through regular check-ins and diary entries.
Regular Guided Meditation is a great way of tuning in, especially if you are out of practice. It also may help you realise your current needs (like rest) and then you can plan to meet them. Once you are aware of needs and emotions, expressing them is the next step - releasing tension is important. Find healthy catharsis for the emotions. Eg, for anger try a ‘hand scream’ or a ‘fuck-this’ meditation. To promote calm try conscious breathing and create some space for perspective in your day, even if that is only 1 minute, to FLIT between tasks - take a mindful moment to breathe and listen in. Writing things down has helped me and many others understand themselves. It may be painful and messy at first, as we become more aware of the pain. With time and acceptance we can change.
2. Reaffirm to yourself that you’re enough and you’re OK. Silence can sometimes make the negative voices and beliefs even louder and stronger, at first. Find ways to give yourself affirmation - ways where you really feel it, without the need of another. Imaginative Meditations like Metta Bhavana (Loving Kindness) is one method. The STOP technique can help you find a balanced truth and the NOD technique may help you reconnect to an image of yourself/your future that feels positive and helpful.
3. Educate yourself of the drama triangle roles you play. Simply ask yourself 'what role am I playing right now?' and then continue to play it, whilst observing with humour and interest. Awareness and allowing is enough to relax one’s hold of the masks one wears and projects onto others. Gradually this will help us let go of the game of ‘name, blame & shame’ and the pattern of ‘hurt people hurting people’. It will create beauty and stop us feeding the drama of victim-critic-rescuer roles. I learned this from Fooling - the recognition that we are all fools and that’s OK. Let’s make the pretence conscious and be interested in our mind’s coping mechanisms.
4. Notice addictions/patterns, and yield to them mindfully, whilst processing them. Instead of shutting them down (which is very tiring, because it takes willpower), experiment with them - go into them consciously to really feel what it is like to experience them. Take your time. Afterwards feel the aftermath, ask yourself if this pattern of behaviour and underlying beliefs serve you. Use the NOW process to then resolve a new way forward. Feel this fully too. By recognising the triggers of the TRAP we can then use other tools like ‘Mental Contrasting’ and ‘RE-ANCHORing’ to overcome addictions mentally, with loving repetition.
5. Enforce one's boundaries. Say no often! A vital skill that can only be learned by experience. Saying no will allow you to get space and perspective, to distinguish your feelings from your judgements and projections. If this feels terrifying try practicing outside of your normal relationships first, as detailed in rejectiontherapy.com. Ask for things from friends or strangers. See what it's like to receive honest answers, including rejections. Getting and giving a ‘no’ is often not as bad as one thinks it is - try it! This will help you give healthy boundaries within your relationships. You can always change your mind. And finally, perhaps most importantly...
6. Share yourself - ask for help or talk to a trusted friend. If you feel deeply lost in shame then using these tools with another person’s help greatly increase their effectiveness. When we are lost in confusion it often helps to have an outside perspective. When our pain is witnessed, with openness and kindness, it often helps us to accept ourselves and let go of it. Seeking professional help is always an act of self-love. At the very least seeking a trusted friend to confide in, because pain shared is pain halved and happiness shared is happiness squared! Abuse resource - if you need urgent help.
The psycology of abuse from Psychology-Today states:
“Here's the thing. It all comes back to us, to our responsibility and accountability. But, in this case, it comes back to responsibility to ourselves and accountability to ourselves. Instead of just riding the wave, if we choose to mindfully examine the nature of our relationships and make a determination of what is acceptable and not acceptable to us, of what feeds us, rather than bleeds us, then we are living, and loving, authentically and with mindful awareness.”
I hope you enjoy these tools and if you are noticing that you are falling into the trap of coercion or abuse come and see me for 1-1 guidance and get yourself out of the negative pattern, with love. Neil@positively-mindful.com
"Truth resides in every human heart,
I work with many varied clients, some who experience abuse. My personal and professional relationships have been varied and often involved low level coercion. This has all helped me grow in wisdom. Some of this growth has been painful. I have sometimes misunderstood the pain in relationships and become confused and stressed, reacting with blame and I've learned from those experiences, to communicate better and become more aware of what's happening in me.
I propose that our primary relationship and source of wisdom is actually within ourselves and we become most reactive at our own stress-induced thoughts. The base reactions are known as ‘Fight, Flight, Freeze’ and Appease. One tactic of these stress-reactive states is ‘coercion’ (from Latin coercere ‘restrain’, from co- ‘together’ + arcere ‘restrain’).
A stressed mind that fails to meet a need through coercion may escalate to more violent forms of defence and control (like physical abuse) which is not discussed here. This article seeks to raise awareness, so that early stages of internal and external coercion can be resolved and transformed away from stress, blame and shame and into awareness, wisdom and intimacy.
This morning I woke up thinking busily and then worrying, relentlessly
This has happened before and I'm sure it'll happen again. It's conditioned into me, by me, and by the culture around me. I languished in it for a good 30 minutes, then meditated, wrote, read and remembered that I can't force this away forever, because I know that harms my body and creates more depression sooner or later. So, I can acknowledge it, admit it to myself and imagine there is a gift in this for me somewhere.
So I admit it to you now - my voices of:
Steve Jobs once said:
"It is impossible to connect the dots looking forward - you can only connect them looking back. You have to trust in something, because this will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well worn path."
Last week, after finishing 5 days of 'Fooling School' with the enigmatic Holly Stoppit, I was left with a lot of insights and a lot of confusion. Fooling is the art of emptying yourself by allowing whatever is present to be acted out and seen as 'a mask'. Something you wear, periodically, and experience the world through. It could be a mask of smugness, or victimhood, or, as in my case this morning, the inner critic. In the workshop we had a lot of fun with this and also experienced a shed load of vulnerability, joy, tears and shared emotions with 7 other fools, 10-6 Monday to Friday!
One insight was the idea that perhaps it is when we have a glimmer of awareness that this emotion, feeling and voice in me is like a ‘mask’, one of many that we slap on ourselves and onto other people (seeing them as a character looking at us), that we can we hope to face it and relax our hold on it. But unfortunately it rarely just dissolve - It is there for a reason. I created it and wear it to protect me from feeling something. Failure, judgement of others, the deep painful reminder of something I bought into long ago - a belief that I'm not enough.
So how then do I move on with my day? Accept it and be interested in it. Give it some space to be heard and seen. Ask it some questions. Breathe with it and feel. Let go of pushing it away, just for some time, maybe 20 minutes and play with it. Maybe it has some undiscovered treasures for you. Perhaps it is good that it isn’t dissolving instantly. One of the most inspiring quotes I gleaned from Holly this weekend was the subtle art behind fooling:
"Be interested, not interesting."
When I stop trying to be interesting, good enough, appropriate, mindful and wise I start acting out and accepting that I'm imperfect, messy, ugly, fragile and weak. It doesn't mean I'm like this all the time. It means I'm like this right now and I can witness and follow that for some time, to see where it leads.
When I allow it, breathe with it and accept it then I sometimes find it transforms into an insight; a learning about myself and then it becomes something truly inspiring. My critic today reminded me to be more responsible for enjoyment of my day, to notice and appreciate my situation, to look at what I've got instead of what I don't have and to see if it's possible to vulnerably trust that it's all working out and then I find some inspiration to keep working, playing and looking for ways that this life is 'flirting with me' - things that I’m attracted to and keep me exploring.
So, I went for a run, climbed a tree, came back and launched into work, following my inspiration (it might ebb away again any time soon). I'm sharing this in the hope that you'll see some of your masks, and the masks you slap on others. Maybe you'll be inspired to work with Holly or me as we both offer playful and mindful ways to access inner acceptance.
I'm very grateful to Holly and to Steve Jobs for 'reminding' me that I'm a fool and help inspire me to be hungry for more. I'll leave you with this video of Steve Jobs talking more about his passion and what helped him to stay foolish and stay hungry.
With Mindfulness I like to think of three steps that we can take on the journey towards appreciation and enlightenment. I use these in the following ways in a 20 minute meditation sometimes:
This last aspect is seen by some as ‘not in touch with reality’. This is true, of course. What is reality anyway? I choose to practice this only after a very objective observing of feeling and thought flowing into and around my body. The reason I then use the imagination to conjure positivity is because it helps me in my earthly day to be in states of
Translating this to the real world.
These states are very useful. They foster joyful engagement, positive action, calm relations and effective productivity. We can also achieve these things without being in those states, but it takes a lot more willpower, energy and generally is not as effective, because it doesn’t feel as good. So one more mind imagining that I use outside of meditation is: ‘seeing people as part of nature’.
You know that moment when a car honks art you and you get a flash of extreme irritation shortly followed by a swear word and imagining how rude and uncaring the driver is? Well, what if you didn't have that reaction? Or, more importantly the thought behind it? What if all you had was the sensation of shock from the noise and then a release?
A bit like when a dog barks or a baby cries or thunder rolls.
With the natural phenomenon it shocks you but then you let it go. Because the story about it - your thinking is different - we see those things as innocent parts of nature. We often see fellow humans as…. rude, selfish, mean… we forget they are just a part of nature too. We think the fact that they have developed language and a deeper consciousness that is capable of imagining complex things, including morality, to mean that they ‘should’ behave differently.
A different idea of our nature:
In this article I want to posit a different idea - a game of the mind that can help us act more skillfully, cooperatively and appropriately to people and situations, but mostly, that helps us let go of the stresses that tense up and eventually damage our bodies. What is we saw people as we do natural (and innocent) phenomenon or creatures.
Here are some examples:
Angry car driver: See them as a honey badger!
Irritable, tenacious, not to me messed with and adorable! When I saw his behaviour as that of a honey badger the way forward was clear and without emotional resistance - give the honey badger some space. If you mess with one of those things you might overpower it but you are going to get torn up in the process. But at the end of it - IT DOESN’T MATTER IF HE WAS IN THE WRONG AND I WAS IN THE RIGHT. I might also alert the police, calmly and easily that there is a honey badger (dangerous driver) on the loose. Not for revenge or malice, but to protect others.
Noisy person on the bus? See them as a noisy baby!
What would you do? Either let it go, empathise and enquire what is wrong or politely ask for it to be quiet, knowing full well that because it’s a baby it may not listen to you and may even get louder. But you don’t have to take it personally - because it’s a baby! If you just see them as an annoying human who ‘should’ be quieter, then you either sit there fuming (damaging your body) or get aggressive and further incite aggression. The baby image isn’t infantilizing - it is conscious playing with ideas to promote more skillful responses and a healthy body.
Boss imposes power over you by scolding you at work? See them as a big powerful bear!
If a bear tells you what to do I suggest you agree and do it. You wouldn’t hold it against the bear. You might also look for ways to appease the bear, distract the bear or soothe the bear, but not out of hate; out of respect for the bear’s power. On a wider sense, if it is an angry bear you might also take longer term steps to contain it or tame it. Same goes by imagining a street gang as a pride of lions.
All of these things reunite the idea that human behaviour is natural, not super-natural. Because our evolved brains seek meaning and therefore add all kinds of expectations, ‘shoulds’ and blame onto other humans, which we wouldn’t with more ‘innocent’ wildlife. By introducing the image of a wild nature back onto our fellow humans it can relax our holding onto judgement and help us to let go, returning to a balanced view, then taking more appropriate, not reactive, action and responses.
I invite you to try this in your day, with the three steps;
Let me know how you get on! And Enjoy! x
At the base of the brain, near the spinal cord, there are several parts that deal with and process incoming information, collectively known as the Reticular Activating System (RAS). It is like a filter, letting through certain bytes of data from the myriad of sensory information. The filter is programmed through practice of pattern recognition. Repeatedly thinking, embodying or expressing stress-associated thoughts, words or actions creates that imagery in the mind. Repeatedly focusing on pain programs the RAS to look for patterns that match that programming. (Eg. if you keep saying ‘the world is messed up’, your RAS looks for evidence to support that and filters out opposite evidence.) This is the very simplified neuroscience, but it helps to think about how our language influences the pathways of the brain and our perception of reality.
Language is a tool. First we make the tool (choose your words) and then the tool makes you (affects the patterns of your mind).
Tony Robbins recognised this in his book ‘Unleash the Giant Within’ outlines three ways one can affect the emotional state:
ENCHANTED BY WORDS
Words have power, like magic spells (hence the word spelling). We can conjure up an image in the mind simply by stating a key work (like the classic exercise - don’t think of a pink elephant). The magic of language was outlined beautifully by Don Miguel Ruiz in ‘The Four Agreements’ - which uses lessons from the ancient Toltec societies. The first agreement Ruiz suggests is to: ‘Be Impeccable With Your Word.’ Impeccability means ‘not against yourself or another’, in other words ‘positive, instead of negative’. Ruiz suggests that bitter gossiping is a unskilful use of language, and he compares it to a computer virus. By adopting the first agreement, we may become more resistant to the 'word spells' that others may try and cast upon us, but more importantly we are cleansed of the emotional poison in our own minds. The Toltecs called this the ‘Mitote’ - the fog and illusion created by the chaos of a thousand different voices all trying to talk at once in the mind.
TEND YOUR GARDEN
I like to see our words as seeds, sown in our own minds.,They grow into images, feelings, beliefs and then reality. The more often we sow. the more they grow. We are surrounded by the influence of words in today’s mass marketing culture and social media, full of the seeds of unwanted and pernicious weeds. So it becomes more important to raise awareness of one’s own words and the words we hear and thus tend the garden of any unwanted weeds.
MINDFULNESS CREATES SPACE
At its simplest level if I keep allowing my words to be spoken without pause then I often fall into the trap of negativity programming - perpetuating the confusion of ‘mitote’. If I complain and bicker, regularly, then I fill my mind with judgements and blame and my RAS seeks to look for reinforcement of that. It becomes automatically energy-sapping (through held bodily tension) and without awareness creates all kinds of negative associations (Eg reading the newspaper feels bad, because it saps our energy when we believe and express ‘the world is so messed up!)
AFTER AWARENESS PRACTICE PLAYFULNESS
I’ve decided to experiment with this in my life and change my use of English language to connect to reality and personal power. I did this through the following:
I am / You are / They are (Labels)
I first had some awareness that I often use the ‘I am’ to identify myself as many negative or grandiose things (eg. selfish or sexy). I noticed I was thinking about ‘I am’ or ‘you are’ as a ‘fixed’ label. It doesn’t recognise the influence of my own judgements and experiences and it closes me off to seeing things from the other person’s perspective. So I did two things to replace this:
Never or always
Phrases like “You never listen to me” or “You always act that way” are inaccurate Crude approximations and faulty statistics weaken trust and create tension. It may seem pedantic, but clearly nothing is forever, or always. Even words like ‘Frequently, Sometimes, Occasionally and Rarely’ can be ungrounded assessments - they may provide a little more openness, but are rarely accurate. They are still disowned judgements, not based on acknowledged examples. Perhaps better to use:
I Should, Ought to
With awareness one soon realises that most suffering arises from painful (and false) mental and neural associations - embodied expectations of ‘who we are supposed to be’. The word ‘should’ has connotations of these assumed expectations, leaving us with the tension of not meeting our own mental expectations. Stating a ‘should’ about the past (Eg. I should have woken up earlier!) is even worse, because it’s a judgement of something unchangeable! Luckily it’s easy to fix with:
“Shoulds are sadistic. Don’t should all over your life! Own your language!”
Need, Must, Have to, Got to
Whenever one says ‘I / you need’ or any of the other ‘ultimatum’ language, then one discounts choice and sets up an urgency mindset. The mind often unconsciously imagines terrible and unrealistic consequences of needs being unmet. Whenever the RAS perceives a ‘need’ the amygdala of the brain activates the ‘Fight/ Flight/ Freeze’ survival system - sometimes known as ‘the chimp mind’. This part of the brain is highly emotional, reactive and problem focused. To change that we use awareness to pause and recognize that what we perceiving as a ‘need’ may actually be a less urgent ‘desire’. The reality of not having our desires met is often not as bad as we imagine. This can be achieved by using:
I can’t / I don’t have time
Disempowering language like this is often spoken out of politeness. We don’t want to hurt others feelings so we dress up the language and make it seem like we are in some kind of poverty. Guess what - the more you do that the more you see this pattern attract it and create it in your mindset. I chose to change this pattern and replace it with:
“Can’t is the cancer of happen”- Charlie Sheen. Saying ‘I can’t’ regularly creates a disempowering story of our lives. Be careful how much you say ‘I can’t’ and try and replace it with more positive language or a truthful understanding of what you are making more important.
The word ‘but’ often negates what precedes it. When used in speech, particularly giving feedback it can create a lot of tension. Eg. You did a great job, but…. Can you imagine that?
However, when we replace with ‘and’ it relaxes the tension and it also acknowledges the complexities of two conflicting ideas that can co-exit. Eg. “You did a great job and I still need you to change something.” That sentence would have a lot less recognition and more tension if the ‘but’ was used.
It’s a nightmare, It's terrible. What a disaster!
When we use gross negative labels we over exaggerate and create strong mental imagery and associations with the situations. This can be simply seen, with awareness and then relaxed by asking ourselves: Is it true? It this really ‘terrible?’ Or is it ‘interesting, useful, or painful’. These words are either rooted in optimism - seeing the situation from a positive and constructive perspective, or more truthful - if something is seen as painful then we can take positive action, and change it. If something is a nightmare we will naturally feel less empowered to affect change.
‘It’s not my fault’, ‘Why me?’, ‘They don’t deserve’ ‘It’s not fair’ or ‘the problem is’ (Blame/ Deserve based language)
Words like this put us into a victim state, looking to focus on problems. When I hear myself or others say this and I want to reframe it in my own mind, because I know that the moment we label something as a problem then we just created a problem! Before that it was a situation - the ‘problem’ is in the mind (as worry). We all know that every situation can be a potential learning opportunity.
Cleaning ourselves of this old pattern of problem seeking can be tricky, but by owning our internal reactions and then choosing the positive opposite it is easy to play with clearer language like:
That’s a lot of words to take in. I am still experimenting and playing with this and if there is one thing I have learned it is to only take on one at a time. Make it a game, play with it - see it as it is, a challenge for you to try one of these a week - see what results you get and decide if you like it or not. This is the only way to really decide if something is true for you - to experience it.
You are here to enjoy the journey of my life and to get stuck into the adventure by playing with the learning edge. I invite you to recognise the negative power of worrying, falsehoods and confusion in your words and know that you can choose to let go of worry, speak with clarity, truth and openness. Take some playful risks today. Keep expressing and keep learning. With Love.
Have you ever felt that you just don’t have any more energy to keep on working? Have you then blamed it on stress and started to make associations, reasons and story about why you might feel this way. That’s normal in this culture of intensive analytical thought.
Mindfulness is awareness, with less judgement. It is used to connect us to our senses in a calm, observing way, so that we can 'tune in'. Once we are more tuned into our bodies we can understand them more and take calm, appropriate action. One example of this is meeting your ‘needs’ by first ‘feeling’ into the body and then using intelligent thought to ascertain what it might be.
Maslow gave us a useful method of deduction - the hierarchy of needs. Here I have taken his pyramid of needs, added to in the 1990s by various commentators. I’ve use the resources at Business Balls to inform my research. When we use this we can take a moment from our work and check in with each need, to see if that allows us to re energize and come back afresh. I have broke this down starting at the bottom of the pyramid.
1. Biological and Physiological needs - If you have 15 minutes, take a break from work and try this:
2. Safety needs - if you have a further 15 minutes try these:
3. Social Belongingness and Love needs - work group, family, affection, relationships, etc. Approach this if you have another 15 minutes free (like on a lunch break)
As we go down the list the breaks from work take longer. For fullness I have added them all in with suggestions for ways to check if the needs are met. Mindfulness and ‘full body listening’ will tell you if you need to do these things.
4. Esteem needs - self-esteem, achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, managerial responsibility, etc.
5. Cognitive needs - knowledge, meaning, etc.
6. Aesthetic needs - appreciation and search for beauty, balance, form, etc.
7. Self-Actualization needs - realising personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.
8. Transcendence needs - helping others to achieve self actualisation.
Clearly you won’t have time in your work day to go through all of these and you don’t need to. Awareness (reading this) and checking in with the body is the first step. I often notice that the physiological needs, once taken care of, free up enough energy to work again. This will also give you better health and les emotional reactivity.
Try this - take a break at work and do some of the suggestions. Let me know how you get on.
Ever wondered about inspiration and how to keep being inspired by life? This Blog is a simple philosophical discussion about enjoying inspiration in your life - a skill that can be learned and how it might start with awareness and acceptance of the end.
The culture we live in is complex and is comprised of millions of people, each with their own vivid imaginations and interpretations of life, partly informed by their experiences (nurture) and partly by their genetic makeup (nature). Each person is trying to be happy in their own way.
A MODEL FOR WELLBEING?
There are infinite ways in which one might feel a sense of well, but largely people equate this with happiness. At the root of this is a sense of connection with something in life that feels enriching and fulfilling. This is unique to each individual.
Happiness is a tricky word because everyone sees it differently. My friend Mark calls it ‘have-peace-ness’ to imply that happiness is more than just a fleeting emotion. Theories of happiness, like the PERMA model (Positivity, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, Accomplishments), propose that by focusing on certain attributes of life, in a certain way, happiness will more likely occur - it states:
“Find the things that make you happy and can make you fully engaged. You could even put goals to achieving more and challenging yourself in the activities you enjoy. Focus on your relationships with your family and friends by finding ways to connect and enjoy each other's company. Find the meaning to your life and what gives you a sense of purpose, it’s different for everyone.” - PERMA model website
This is not quite as simple as it sounds. Humans’ primary needs are always around survival. After that it depends on the unique and individual nuances of psychology to find a sense of belonging, self-esteem and self-actualisation, which is where a sense of meaning to life becomes important.
“As each individual is unique the motivation for self-actualisation leads people in different directions. For some people self-actualization can be achieved through creating works of art or literature, for others through sport, in the classroom, or within a corporate setting.” (Kenrick et al., 2010)
Maslow (1962) believed self-actualisation could be measured through the concept of peak experiences. This occurs when a person experiences the world totally for what it is, and there are feelings of euphoria, joy and wonder.
IS IT WORTH IT?
If one struggles to find ‘meaning’ it could lead to a focus on problems, pessimism, hopelessness and negativity. This mindset will then look for ‘earthly value’, instead of a deeper meaning - a sense of ‘what’s it worth?’ This is where the ego comes into play (the part of the mind that forms the image who you think you are - your identity). The ego sometimes thinks that being perceived as ‘important’ (by oneself or by others) is a good indicator of value, because of the positive emotions it gives in the short term. Yet in the long term this can lead to a life based only on achievement, future thinking or being externally validated, which can be very hard indeed. At some point one will be forced to ask deeper questions about the purpose and direction of one's life.
“Life ... is a tale
Alan Watts notices how music is all about the ensemble and celebrating all parts. However, because the human mind loves drama and story it will seek it by looking for deeper complex story, meaning and to establish a hierarchy of what is ‘important’ and what is no. What is good and what is bad? This is reflected in our culture and people around you. These will be about self interest and largely based on fear, insecurity or worry that they won’t be ‘successful’ or that we are doing things in the ‘wrong’ way.
LOVE VS FEAR
The opposite of that is love - to have gratitude for what is, to appreciate each other and celebrate differences. To let each other experience and express themselves as they are. This doesn't mean we let people do things that are harmful to one another, no - that’s why we have laws and communities, to protect each other from actions borne from fear, which in turn fuels anger, grief and shame.
The collective fear is the impression that our deep desires for beauty and love are liabilities -they are dangerous, selfish, indulgent and stupid. If we put them first then we will ignore the needs of others and the practical requirements for a life. We will be lazy slobs! These are legitimate concerns, yet we can also balance that in remembering that fear can be easily disguised as practicality.
STAY IN LOVE
Jim Carrey suggests that if we find the balance,by letting our inner selves shine, by finding what is inspiring inside, if we choose things more from our playful hearts, then we might find a nice surprise. if we stay in connection with what we love then we will naturally develop compassion and the desire to help others, because happiness is more vivid when shared and we can only be partially happy if we are not including the world around us in it. When we look out into the world and see others in pain we will be inspired to help. Organically created, this derives from an inner sense of inspiration, instead of external sense of egoistic value or importance.
WHEN WE ARE STRESSED
Depression, apathy, limiting self-beliefs, anger or anxiety can hinder inner connection, intuition and inspiration as much as thoughts of greed and expectation can. Yet at the same time these emotions are helpful - they are signposts that require you listen carefully. And when opened up and looked at skilfully the thoughts of need and expectation can also be teachers, gifts and helpful. The trick is to ask good questions of the body and the mind (which are of course all part of the same single being). The unskillful way is to become impotent by thinking his is important, that one needs to do something.
HOW TO WIN AT LIFE
So we’d like to relax this need, right? Because acting from a state of emotional overwhelm is always problematic, or egoic thought , which is all based on fear for survival, - it is incredibly draining for you and or others, it creates negativity and a world of ‘needs/should’,or fear, obligation, guilt - a FOG of confusion. Positive thought is fuelled on creative endeavours, with a letting go of need. When we act from this we gain energy, inspiration, appreciation and love. So my theory of winning or success is the realisation of asking the question, in each moment, What’s Inspiring Now (WIN)., or what do I need, how do I feel, how do you feel, what might they be needing… this is empathy and it can be directed inward or outward. Asking these questions repeatedly leads you to reprogram the mind to focus on being the change you want to see in the world, rather than running from the things you hate or fear. On some level it requires an inner confidence, a trust, which can only be created in feeling inside, for a length of time, whilst letting go of negative thought. Only then may one express honestly.
One can wait for life to threaten our life in order to see this truth, through stress or pain or illness, or one can delve inside to discover it before that happens - to take preventive care, in the same way one brushed your teeth before you experience tooth decay. Meditation is this kind of practice - is is the art of listening, in non-reaction and non-judgement. It is designed to cultivate the art of intuition, which leads to more inspiration. When we are in contact with our bodies, with a calm mind, we can better realise, What’s Inspiring Now. We can also notice our emotions, like fear, with more curiosity and perspective. This leads to the ability to respond, rather than react. The ability to channel emotions positively and to adopt positive attitudes, even when one thinks ‘life is pointless’. This is a simple choice to feel into each moment of the dance, or the journey, to see that the journey is the destination - the moment is the point. When we keep returning to it we can more successfully stay in love, stay connected and stay inspired.k
If you are interested in learning more and practising mindfulness please contact me and arrange a drop-in to one of my classes, or set up a one to one session.
Executive summary, for those short on time:
1. A word, created by a thought
2. A transient, powerful and intangible beauty
3. Connection to the open intelligence of being
Since we compulsively over think we create a world of problems and suffering. By connecting to your being will put you in touch with inspiration, instead of external validation, but only when you are ready - when you really want it and are prepared to let go of the things you think you need. You can’t force it, so for now just enjoy where you're are and relax in the knowing that you can either indulge thinking or begin at once to re-balance your mental state towards being - either way you’ll be ok, in a spiritual sense.
The full article.
I ask myself regularly ‘who am I?’ ‘What am I doing? And then I realise I am seeking the answers to these questions with my thinking mind, which goes outward, searching for external validation, through my work, or my social networks, through art or through sensual delights. Inspiration is what I’m looking for and the clue is in the word: IN-SPIRATION. It’s about going inwards towards spirit. But what is Spirituality? Here is my long-winded definition, in the hope that it reminds us why it is useful to revisit, from time to time.
1. A WORD, CREATED BY A THOUGHT.
First we must have awareness that this is simply a word - a human mental concept and creation. It is NOT reality, it is a map of reality, a representation using the English language. The term spirit comes from definitions like "animating or vital principle in man and animals". It is derived from the Old French espirit, which comes from the Latin word spiritus (soul, courage, vigor, breath) and is related to spirare (to breathe). But Reality is more than words, it is vibrating matter, felt through experience. Any concept like 'spirit' is only an idea. All ideas stem from an ideology -with inherent beliefs. Each person sees the idea with their own set of background beliefs and understandings, so the word is interpreted slightly differently each time. Thus reading this article will only give you a mental understanding of spirit. To really understand you must experience it. Nonetheless I will attempt more words to express how I see spirituality.
2. A TRANSIENT, POWERFUL AND INTANGIBLE NATURAL BEAUTY
An ever-moving beauty that, if captured, squeezed or forced to act differently, either destroys vanishes (although It is still there, but it is no longer tangible or visible by your mind or senses). If one wishes to experience the beauty one must let it flow and arise in its own time. I love the idea “You cannot capture a river, for it is always moving.” Once you contain and control it you change it - it is no longer a river, it is now, a lake of still water, with less life force. A wild phenomenon or animal has spirit, partly because it is in the wild, it is untamed. You can watch and appreciate the beauty, get even closer and you can be touched by this river, but get too fixated by its beauty and you will be overwhelmed.
The main beauty of that river is only experienced when it is in its natural setting, flowing and interconnected with the wildlife and landscape - if you try and stop it or change its course too harshly you will destroy its transient beauty (as shown in the LA river). You may also want to appreciate the wildlife within the river, watching the life of nature. An example of this art form is ‘fish tickling’; which requires an openness, a stillness, a letting go of 'grabby' need and a moving towards play and trust - one hopes a fish will come along and one knows that the most skillful thing to do is remain still and open and to enjoy the waiting, in the knowing that even if a fish doesn't tickle me today there is always tomorrow and the old adage “there are plenty more fish in the sea.” This is an attitude of gratitude and abundance, which will create patience and joy. Whereas If one is agitated and forces oneself to wait it is likely this will manifest tremors in the hand, and the fish will see this as a trap, they will feel the expectant mind and they will swim away. Same with the river - we can trust that it will change in flow, over time, but that it will continue to flow, finding the path of least resistance, and in that is beauty.
POWER IN SPIRIT
If one wants to harness the power of this life force then one must first study it closely, consciously (The word ‘con-science’ means 'with study' in its original Latin). It is essential to know the history of the river by studying its banks and changing flows. The river can be fished with these observations and with skills learned by spending time with the river. Its raw power can be be directed and influenced to help us in life, but not without care and understanding. Any natural phenomenon like this is in a complex interdependent relationship with life and so one must proceed slowly if one wants to respect these organic relationships. If we lose touch with the nature of this wild force, or if we forget about its inherent beauty then we will eventually destroy the life that makes it beautiful and valuable or it will destroy us with its suppressed natural power. Either way we suffer if we force the spirit to comply to our will.
3. CONNECTION TO THE OPEN INTELLIGENCE OF BEING.
With practice we develop mastery. If you practice appreciation of transient and intangible beauty through feeling and enjoying (rather than controlling, or just talking about it and thinking) then you master the art of inspiration - the ability to more easily connect with the spirit inside yourself. Spirituality is often thought of as connection to something greater than ourselves, but what if that 'greater thing' was insider you?
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
This poem hints at where we can connect to truth, power, beauty and understanding - in the felt experience of the moment, inside. This is where intelligent life flows from - somewhere at the centre of your being. Not a place but a connected movement. The intelligence that constantly emerges from the synergy - the collection of multiple interconnected parts that work in harmony, with no master. It is more than the sum of its parts.
This kind of intelligence is less about mental knowledge and more about wisdom (experiential knowing). Any attempt to represent or record it will be inferior to the direct experience of it. It can only be known in brief moments. In those moments a skillful way of being emerges; a power to trust, to have compassion, presence, vitality and love. This cannot be documented or proven, only experienced. Isolating variables to create models of happiness always fall short because they lose touch with the artful nature of spirit. But with practice we can dip in and out of this knowing with growing ease. Much like a skilled naturalist we are more able to connect with spirit when we understand it - and it will then be more available to us, because of awareness, practice, appreciation and trust.
HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO THINKING
When we encounter difficulty we are conditioned to turn to the rational mind to make a decision. Where spirituality is concerned the 21st century mind will often choose from one or the other (a binary); to move towards more either thought (analysis, ideas, judgements and quantifiable evidence) or towards spirit (which has no evidence, because it is transient. It doesn't take any credit for creation).
Developing balance is something that requires experiencing each side of something. It is only through the contrast that we find the right balance for oneself. Which is why each individual explores thought - goes round in circles of analysis, philosophy, moralising and trying to be right. Eventually one will come to the conclusion that thought is useful for creating external things (like cars or houses) but that it cannot connect is to the reasons to live, it cannot provide the deep inspiration to live a beautiful life, with wisdom. Similarly, relying only on a deep inner connection to spirit, without practical knowledge will be unbalanced with the nature of social and physical reality and lead to physical problems.
BEING GOOD VS BEING YOURSELF
Once one finds a balance that feels good one does not need to ‘try’ and be good or compassionate one can just let it flow naturally from connection to spirit. Written down that may appear incredibly naive and perhaps dangerous. Again, one can only experience it.
THE COLLECTIVE BALANCING
Modern life has been dominated by thinking, recently. That dominance (unbalance) has fixated us on the creation of external stimuli with the belief that ‘technology and mental intelligence will be our salvation’ and continue the 'race'. This belief fuels all the systems of living we now experience. We use rigid rules and words based on quantifiable things. We consume or create things to feel good. We do things, rather than simply be in our selves. Thinking is generally being over used and compulsive. Eventually this creates distrust, problems, fear and more rigid beliefs. The mind becomes sick with compulsive negative thinking and we drive ourselves gradually towards self destruction. Or towards a re-balancing...
OPTIMISTIC OR OPTIMISING
Perhaps though our nature will in out and we will reach a threshold where we naturally choose to rebalance the spirit/thinking equation (one way or another). This is an individual journey that then feeds into a collective (general) state. Because life is all about balance - homoeostasis. Is this optimistic or just a recognition of the optimising nature of life? What goes up must come down. We are finding the balance in this dance and so when we are ready we come back into being and connect with spirit once again. This will happen for as long as feels right and then we will get lost into thinking once again, then spirit, then thinking... in, out, in, out... until, death.
Death will happen and it will either return the spirit to the ether, ready to be reformed again into transient beauty (f that's what one chooses to believe) or it will just the end of life, in which case, no worries. The eternal sleep will be nothing to experience so cannot be good or bad. In the meantime, during your life experience and balancing, if spirit is something you are curious about then come and play with a spiritual practice like mindfulness - drop me an email. If you are enjoying your thinking mind then great - learn and create some awesome words, art or things in the world. Either way it's all good and life will find the balance for you, so you can simply enjoy it.
If you have been to my classes or read some of my other blogs you’ll know that mindfulness is not just about attitude of the mind, but it is all informed by the attitude of the body, and especially the most fundamental aspects of physiology; like the breath.
This blog is written to give you a breakdown of the techniques, but also the background philosophy - why would you bother to undertake a breathing practice? After all, it’s a natural bodily function that doesn’t require any conscious effort. I’ve notice that when people in my classes initially regulate the breath, interrupting the automatic function, they say it seems clunky or feels awkward - like we’d be better off leaving it alone. Yet, with mindful noticing they also sense changes in the body - calming and releasing of tension. I have found profound learning from playing with the breath - So here are my experiences and research.
BREATHING FROM THE PAST
Unconscious / automatic breathing is largely doing a good job for you (keeping you alive) and you can still potentially improve it, because it is inevitably conditioned by some experiences in your life that have formed mental associations. For example, you may notice your body / mind going into panic over a misspoken word with a colleague, which may unconsciously remind you of being rejected by an old friend - a painful memory buried in the subconscious.
These memories are not conscious, so you only know something is out-of-sync with reality by noticing the physical reaction first. We tend to be unaware of the changes in our breathing that dramatically add to our emotional state. These daily occurrences of disproportionate reactions are fuelled by negative mental associations, and if we do not become aware of them and start working with then we add to them, gradually reinforcing the embodied reactions.
If you continue to act unaware of this, the body will eventually create pain or attain disease, which forces you to pay attention and change something. Continued ‘stressful breathing’ (like short sharp breaths, or shallow breaths) releases adrenaline and cortisol into the bloodstream unnecessarily, which stresses the body.
Much like looking at your teeth and then brushing appropriately reduces the stress of tooth decay we can reduce stress by watching the breath, becoming more conscious of what situations or thoughts are associated with ‘stressful breathing’. This will tell you a lot about you mind and areas of ‘fear’ or avoidance. We can then alter the way we breathe.
If we remain unconscious of the breath patterns we often act on impulse. Here our reaction to rising emotional panic might be to ‘act out’ (including blaming something / someone else) or ‘retreat’ (which may include shutting down and therefore retreating inwardly). This is known as the fight or flight function of the instinctive and emotional brain (the amygdala). Indulging this can lead us into a T.R.A.P. of our own ignorance, where the following happens (and may have been happening for some time):
LEARN FROM EXCITEMENT, INCLUDING SPORTS
We can learn and develop the ability to reprogram positive patterns in the mind and body. A good way to do this is to bring presence to any situation where breath changes due to excitement. As an example I’ll share where I first learned about conscious breathing - rock climbing!
I learned this the hard way - trial and error in extreme situations. I would get to a dangerous moment on the rock, where, if overly focused on the dangers, I began to panic, then I’d be in serious trouble! (I had a couple of nasty falls).
So I learned in these moments that the best initial response to the rising panic was to purposefully breath longer and smoother breaths. I would then direct my focus to my feet and hands, and my immediate surroundings, checking things were okay. Then I could more accurately assess the risks, from a place of relative calm objectivity, rather than emotional panic. At times I added more confidence boosting strategies like a mantra (a mind affirmation repeated over and over), or by verbalising ‘It’s ok, I’m ok” and telling myself what I was going to do next. I would literally talk myself through it!
Early warning signs that panic is rising can be found in the sensations of tension and the change of breath. By noticing breath when it becomes short & sharp or shallow, and respond with a little playfulness and presence we can program a reaction to any stress trigger. This is what I learned - to program in the following response to stress; I slow down for a moment and become B.O.L.D:
"The trick is to keep breathing" - Janice Galloway
PERSEVERE WITH SOME OBJECTIVE PERSPECTIVE
This can apply to normal life as much as it can extreme situations; imagine you are at work and you are trying to make headway with a difficult project, but you feel frustrated. Take a moment and notice your bodily sensations and your breath. Then, play with it; control your breath. This is essentially about changing something simple, partly to break the existing pattern. The simplest thing to change is focus and breath. However, changing your physical location and posture can also aid this transition to calm, so if it helps, get up from the desk and do this in a different place. This will give you better perspective to objectively assess and then refocus. At first it might seem to make things worse. This is for two main reasons:
TAKE IT EASY
The trick is to bring in an element of playfulness and ease - don’t try too hard or you will simply add to the panic. Gradually the automatic response to the trigger of shallow / holding breath patterns becomes more healthy Shortly after you can create a habit of opening up or dropping negative thinking with mini moments of objectivity - meditation, for example. This calms the physiology of the body, lowers adrenaline and cortisol level and oxygenates the blood, ready for refocusing on calm action. This will also help the body and mind stay healthy and balanced.
LOOKING AHEAD: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU DO, BUT HOW AND WHY YOU DO IT.
The psychological aspect to breathing well can be as important and the physiological (depending on your background beliefs and attitude). You could create a nocebo effect as a result of cynicism - that is, you may counteract any positive effect the breathing may give you by giving too much weighting to your opposing concepts and beliefs, rather than being willing to try the experience. In this instance conscious breathing will probably result in wasted energy and perhaps even more negative thinking and emotion. So don’t do it if your mind is in resistance - don’t force it.
PLACEBO OF BELIEF
Conversely a placebo effect may give you some short-term benefits, but if you assign too much weighting to this one thing then you are in danger of becoming fixated on one tool as a ‘magic bullet’. Placebo is a powerful product of mind beliefs, yet without presence (noticing & objectively) of the mind and body you could become ignorant of the changing reality of your life situation and hide other useful truths from yourself. A good example is rock climbing again - if one becomes overly confident through the use of breath, visualisation and boldness, one may go too far and take on a challenge that exceeds ones ability, and then have a nasty accident.
MY EXPERIENCE - FIND THE BALANCE
For me an approach of openness, awareness and playfulness yields good results. I like to imagine the breath healing me (which it does, scientifically proven) and I imagine warm feelings as I breath - visualising the oxygen enlivening my cells. These are things that may not be real, but which are helpful. I may imagine light pouring in, or a mantra as I breath like “It’s ok, I’m ok.”
I can then more clearly imagine what I want - visualising it, whilst being sensitive to my body (which will tell me if what I am imagining is unrealistic, by manifesting tension). This is an ‘intuitive’ way and for some people the ‘logical’ way makes more sense. A highly scientific and sceptical mind may require more quantitative research before integrating a new practice - which may (or may not) remove mental barriers to trying this willingly. This is neither good nor bad and I always encourage thinking for oneself and I try to present these blogs not as facts, but as experiences and opinions.
“Remember to breathe. It is after all, the secret of life.”
It’s hard to disentangle this subtle level of placebo that the positive thinking adds, so I don’t worry too much and I enjoy the benefits, aware that my psychology is partly responsible, and occasionally questioning myself or being open to other perspectives. I have researched and found the potential benefits that regular practice of relaxed yet conscious, slow breathing can have:
All of these are potential, because there are a lot of factors at play, not least of which include diet, mental attitude, hydration levels, nuanced context of external stressors. For example, when at the office and noticing the breath during a break t may also be useful to notice if you are thirsty, hungry, sleepy or need the loo. These are important physiological needs that may also be affecting the breath and negative thinking. Nonetheless, as a simple and effective tool I have found breathwork to be invaluable.
IS IT EMBARRASSING?
It can be, depending on the environment you are in. It may be inappropriate to meditate at your desk and start breathing deeply. So take yourself elsewhere to do this. There is a theory by Dan Harris that the in the next decade meditation (which often involves breathing in stillness with your eyes closed, noticing the breath and the body) will be as accepted as jogging is (in comparison to how it was viewed 30 years ago - as a fad). So for now, find a place to do this where you feel safe.
CAN TECHNOLOGY HELP?
Yes - one of the great modern devices, the smartphone, now has access to thousands of free apps, that really help. I have done a quick review of the top 10 free iPhone apps:
5. Nirvana Fitness: breathing fitness to music. The idea is nice, breathing in different timings to music, which can work, but I found it a little clunky and has a lack of options on the free mode.
4. 3 Minute Mediation: A mix of breathing styles, but only 1 or 2 offered on the free model and the timer is, in my opinion, unattractive and difficult to follow.
3. Pranayama Free: An interesting concept with a 3d model of the body and lungs to show you exactly what should be going on inside as you breathe. I quite liked it, but again had very limited options.
2. Deep Breathing Exercises: This had a funny star shaped timer, which was ok, with nice back music and lots of options. It had more ads than other apps, which bugged me.
1. Breathe Deep: My favourite of the apps with lots of options and personalisation. Simple graphics and quick to load.
I use this last app occasionally when I’m working, in my breaks, because it takes away some of the energy input required to do the breathing work and trains in accurate regulation. The downsides are that sometimes I’m not really paying attention to my body as I breathe and I think that presence is helpful to optimize the process and get the most benefit.
WHAT ARE THE COMMON BREATHING METHODS?
Below I have outlined some popular techniques, all of which I’ve tried, some of which for more than a few months. Feel free to skim them at first to see the breadth of possibility. Some of these have been pioneered by the practice of yoga
Prāṇāyāma is a Sanskrit word alternatively translated as "extension of the prāṇa (breath or life force)" or "breath control." The word is composed from two Sanskrit words: prana meaning life force (noted particularly as the breath), and either yama (to restrain or control the prana, implying a set of breathing techniques where the breath is intentionally altered in order to produce specific results). This is well used and researched and utilises the concept of Chakras (energy point or nodes in the body, of which there are though to be seven major chakras, which are arranged vertically along the axial channel, from the base of the pelvis to the top of the head). These are not conclusively proven in science. There are several techniques but these are the most common:
Ujjayi breathing "the ocean breath". Unlike some other forms of pranayama, the ujjayi breath is typically done in association with asana practice (varied postures designed to stretch and exercise the whole body). Ujjayi is a diaphragmatic breath, which first fills the lower belly (activating the first and second chakras), rises to the lower rib cage (the third and fourth chakras), and finally moves into the upper chest and throat. The technique is very similar to the three-part Tu-Na breathing found in Taoist Qigong practice:
Kapal Bhati Pranayama or Skull Shining Breathing Technique is about calming and bringing your focus into the present moment. It goes like this:
Alternate Nostril Breathing Technique (Nadi Shodhan Pranayama) which is supposed to bring balance through alternating sides and it works as follows:
SOME WESTERN STYLES I'VE TRIED
Whilst yoga uses the belief structures or concepts of Chakras other techniques have been pioneered in the west using scientific research. Remember we are unique and what works for one person may not be universal. Self- experimentation is key, in my opinion.
Wim Hoff method. The Dutch man Wim Hof is a charismatic teacher of mind-body techniques and a record breaker for endurance, commonly nicknamed "The Iceman" for his ability to withstand extreme cold, which he attributes to exposure to cold, meditation and breathing techniques (similar to the Tibetan technique Tummo). He worked closely with scientists around the world to prove that his techniques work. A 2014 study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (USA) claims that by consciously hyperventilating, Wim can increase his heart rate, adrenaline levels and blood alkalinity. The report concludes “These results could have important implications for the treatment of conditions associated with excessive or persistent inflammation, such as autoimmune diseases.” The breathing element is as follows:
Box/Square Breathing (or other timings): origin unknown, but used by well researched practitioners like Dave Asprey
Buteyko Breathing is something quite different, that I experimented with this year. It was developed in the 80’s in Russia by Dr Konstantin Buteyko, as a cure for asthma, based on the premise that one of the causes of asthma is over-breathing (hyperventilation), particularly through the mouth, which, according to the theory, causes too much O2 and then inflamed airways as the body’s defence. So therefore the system involves shallow breathing through the nose in order to promote increased clean air intake and increased carbon dioxide in the lungs, and therefore improving the balance of O2 in the blood.
This process can be quite stressful and it is not recommended to try this alone and without expert help, for fear of passing out. The independent did an interesting article on it, which shows successful cases, but also discusses the the reason it isn’t popular is partly due to some scientists dispute the physiological claims that the Buteyko practitioners teach. www.buteyko.co.uk/
Anger is like a storm rising up from the bottom of your consciousness. When you feel it coming, turn your focus to your breath. - Thich Nhat Hanh
Whatever you decide to do, take it easy. I would suggest giving a few slow, deep breaths a go next time you notice you are stressed or stuck. Changing one thing can alleviate stress just long enough for your mind to think clearly again.
My practice has evolved by trying all of these and now do a mixture of the Wim Hoff breath to energise me, the box breathing to calm me into focus and just simple deep, conscious breaths whenever I notice I’m stagnant or tense. Being B.O.L.D (Breathing, Objectivity, Looking up ahead, Doing it) has reprogrammed my mind to more easily come back to the present moment and then into a clearer focus. Give it a go, with care, playfulness and presence.
An inspiration - a long, deep breath of the pure air of thought - could alone give health to the heart. - Richard Jefferies
Welcome to this third and final blog, all about procrastination, which seems at first, a simple thing, but when looking deeper it presents insights into the very purpose of why we bother to do anything. The three parts of this series are:
Part 1: Understanding Procrastination invited us to recognise, investigate and understand procrastination in a new way
Part 2: Just do it now looks at how we can see it at a deeper level and how we can head it off, quickly.
Part 3: Turn the ship around (this blog) looks at addressing the source of our procrastination - habitual fear that we don’t know where we are going. This is formed by our associations and values, for which we need safe harbour to analyse and work on. This will involve training, time, awareness and forgiveness. It may seem to ‘take too long’ or ‘not worth it’ but my experience is that it is! And you may as well try and do what you really, really want anyway!
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
How we find out? One way is to deeply embrace ourselves; repairing consciously, to make ourselves shipshape and resilient in the long term, against procrastinating, and then choosing a course that is both more adventurous, interesting and simultaneously easier, because it feels right. To do this I propose burning new principles into our everyday habits so that they slowly integrate into our lives. Eventually everything we do will reflect the quality and direction that we have consciously chosen.
“How you do the little things is how you do everything.” Justin Hughes
PREPARING FOR ADVENTURE (FROM A SAFE HARBOUR)
Much like a ship, getting ready to sail on turbulent waters, we can prepare whilst in calm waters. If you don’t know what calm waters looks like then try getting away from your immediate environment and find somewhere hidden from the bombardment of daily life - get some real perspective! The myth of Orestes finding his cave is a good metaphor. There we can focus on:
1. CHARTING YOUR COURSE
Want to have fun and be true to yourself? Want to get to the treasure of life and enjoy the adventure throughout? Well I think Ghandi left us a treasure map with clues:
"Your beliefs become your thoughts,
In preparing, we can simply follow this treasure map in reverse order,starting with: Values- ‘The regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something. Principles or standards of behaviour; one's judgement of what is important in life.’ So our first step is to decide what you are for.
Dreaming vividly, whilst feeling can be like a compass towards real experiencing. We have the magical power of imagination and we have the power to create beliefs, visions and desires that feel like reality. You can call this delusion or you can call it dreaming, this is just a choice of perception. If you don’t know what you want then allow yourself to dream and work backwards from there. If you want to go to space, what could be the easier dreams, the steps on the way to the cosmic dream? Allow playful imagination - get comfy and dream as if you were 10 years old!
Start by writing it down. This brings it one step closer to reality and we can begin the process of discovering of reading it back, tweaking it, making it believable, more plausible and open to scrutiny. Eventually, with repeating this process we might discover or even create the reasons why we are here. If you’re interested in doing this now, you could start by answering 5 easy question - 2 minutes on each question - then once you are done Blu Tack it on the wall. Answer these ambitiously, but within the realms of possibility - you’ll just have to gauge that for yourself. The 5 questions:
What do you want to…
"You gotta be before you can do, and you've gotta do before you can have." - Zig ZigIar
This begins to shape up a Vision, Mission, Reasons and Legacy for you. You can tweak and adjust them, but at least you’ve begun to make sure you are going in a good direction. You know what you want and why you want it. You can elaborate on this every few months - make tiny course corrections. Then you can really start to think more clearly about the specific 'how', this forms the plan of action. I like to read back my mission and values every day. This burns it into my memory and allows me to ask myself “is this in line with my vision” whenever I spend time on work.
I have my own mission, vision and reasons, which I laid out in my online manifesto. My personal ones are kept in my private files, some of which are part of the links at the bottom of the blog.
2. TRAIN THE CREW WITH HEALTHY HABITS AND CHECKLISTS
“Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do.” - Aristotle.
If you want to set in any healthy habit, I suggest:
Once the habits are set in they will serve you for a very long time. Make sure you tweak them occasionally - review them to make changes once every year. We also want to build your values into your habits. We can do this using affirmations and in the wording of the habits.
3. CHECK THE MANIFEST OF TOOLS AND RESOURCES:
In order for our journeys to go well we must make sure we have provisions and tools. Tools help us fix things when they go ‘wrong’ and provisions are there to keep us going. They are our fuel. Your main resource is your presence and your passion, and those things emerge effortlessly from your habits and from the meaning you assign to this work (steps 1 and 2).
Your other essential resources are the basic physiological needs on Maslow's hierarchy of needs: air, food and fluids. For this reason make sure you have healthy foods and begin your work day by drinking plenty of water. Perhaps you can work these into your checklists, habits routines? (I use a tiny bowl of fruit/nuts to keep me going every day). Also take a breath before you start (part of the FLIT, described in Part 2). The importance of breath in bringing in the second need; a sense of safety, cannot be overstated. The breath tells the body ‘I’m safe’ if used well. If used unconsciously it often emits the opposite signal to the body. Control the breath for a moment and calm the mind.
This is one of the tools I pack on my voyage. Tools are important for when you get into trouble, but they therefore require practicing using them ahead of the time you need them. An effective tool in the hands of a practiced user cuts through the stress and recalibrates the machine. The most powerful machine in our work is our mind-body. The most common faults of the mind-body are stress from compulsive negative thinking - thoughts that get lost in fear-based fantasy. Here are three tools I use to combat this common problem:
If you are interested to learn any of these tools or want me to help you create your own please contact me. With these tools and resources we are establishing a sense of safety, working our way up the hierarchy of needs. When we have met more of these there is less resistance to starting our work and working well. The next need tops off the safety level and creates love and belonging, where you really start to enjoy your work.
4. ESTABLISH YOUR TRUSTED SUPPORT NETWORK
Establishing who you can trust when in troubled waters or during a mutiny is essential because if we allow ourselves to vulnerably share in our process and set up friendships where we can be seen, for whom we really are, this whole thing becomes a lot easier and lot more beautiful. Human connection is really what it is all about, after all. We are all in this together and if you can include others in your work, in a sharing, giving and loving way (not a demanding way) then you may find the saboteur of procrastination (which is trained and fueled by fear) may be eased and perhaps even dissolved by love. You may even begin to LOVE THE WORK!
Part of this is thinking about the roles you have in life. I know I have 10 key roles, ranging from a mindfulness practitioner to a son and brother. I consciously think about and write down what kind of person I want to be in those roles, eg. ‘A caring mindfulness practitioner’, ‘a loving son’ and ‘a playful brother’. This seems simple, but it gets you to think about how you want to be in each role in your life. You can elaborate later, but start small - have a think now about your roles and write them down.
YOUR FRONT ROW FRIENDS
You will also have lots of friends, but amongst those friends we all have a front row - the few friends that you would trust your heart to and the ones you feel close to. It can be useful to remind yourself which ones these are. Write them down now.
ESTEEM: BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND, FAN AND COACH
The penultimate need is SELF esteem. With the list of roles and your front row friends you can internalise some of the things your friends are telling you, to encourage you. These are some methods I use:
Coming back to Ghandi’s treasure map - we follow the line that values and habits leads us to and we start to realize that our subconscious and conscious mind now take care of things for us - we can relax and live through our actions, words and thoughts, safer in the knowledge that we have done all we can and we are on the right course. This all comes down to trust and confidence. Mindfulness can keep us noticing what we are doing that we don’t stray too far off course and once mindfulness becomes a habit that is as easy as brushing your teeth, then self expression flows into your work.
Imagine the present self can thanking the past self for getting all this sorted. Right now, in fact, could you envision your future self-thanking yourself (as the past self) for preparing even ONE of these steps? Do it, now.
Let me know how it goes and what you thought of this post. Feedback helps me. Bon Voyage!
Archilochus - "we do not raise to the level of our hopes, we fall to the level of our training".
Finally some links I promised you:
http://productivitygame.com/routines-morning/: A resource of inspiring blogs and self-help/productivity book reviews (with brilliant short videos). I use this often.
The pomodoro technique: is similar to FLIT and allows to to measure your day differently.
www.mariposacoaching.co.uk/workshops: Bristol locals can talk to Sarah if they are having trouble managing time and making better task lists. She runs courses and coaches individuals.
http://sarahprout.com/start-here : If you want to set your intentions (be,do,have, feel) Sarah has created an amazing worksheet to work through. Takes a couple of hours (if you go quickly).
The Miracle Morning book suggests 6 areas of focus for you morning routine, he calls Life S.A.V.E.R.S.(Silence, Affirmations, Visualization, Exercise, Reading, Scribing (journaling)
https://www.neilstrauss.com/neil/healing-trauma/ if you feel severely traumatised and want to develop understanding see what you think of Neil Strauss’ look at trauma.
My resources: A sneaky link that gives away all of my secrets. Don't tell anyone.
ATTACHMENTS - THE HIDDEN TIES
The Buddha said “The root of suffering is attachment.” What did he mean by this and how can it help us to understand how we can live differently? This blog is all about how to live life with a better relationship to suffering. Like I’ve said in many other blogs you can’t avoid suffering it’s part of love, but you can 'enjoy' the process, rather than just suffer it. This elaborates on my blog about owning your shit.
So, first of all, by attachment I think the Buddha was referring to ‘need’, ‘craving’ and ‘identification with a fixed idea’. The best expression I know for this is 'Limiting-Self-Beliefs'. For example, the elephant in the picture believes it cannot break the chain, because it was chained from birth. After trying so many times it gave up, even though as an adult it probably could break them it believes the story of 'I can't move further than my TIES allow'. My theory of this is devised to help me remember how us humans generally become attached to:
SO, TAKE A SEAT
When we view them in this order they form TIES, which I find is a useful reminder that they bind me to a rigid and painful way of being - a complex web of TIES requires gradual and persistent loosening and here is my main method - it’s called taking a SEAT (flipping the priority of our awareness). This is a simple process of meditation, where we allow ourselves to slow down and connect with the senses first and see:
When we look at it, sit with it, in non reaction, we naturally reduce the fuel that is energising the story. We also reduce the adrenaline and cortisol in the bloodstream, released as a mind-body connection that is created by psychological stress. So let’s take a deeper look at the TIES so that we can understand and recognise them. Only then can we begin to loosen them.
TIES TO THOUGHTS
Firstly we often identify with our thoughts, as roles and stories, naturally. As the author of Sapiens, Yuval Noah Harari, describes:
“Our massive brains have a vivid imagination. Human beings are the only animals that can see and feel complex things that don’t exist - like the idea of a heaven, or the collective idea and agreement of money. This ability has helped human beings thrive, by working together in millions, unified by common stories of accepted truth. Humans live double lives - one in the reality of natural law (like the animals) and one in the stories we tell ourselves - our collective social laws, etiquette and conditioned behaviour. Stories give us a sense of purpose and drama, which can seem more important than reality, which seems mundane and unimportant, in comparison. The more we get involved in the stories and rigidly ‘believe’ the more we fight against others or the reality that challenge them. These ’beliefs’ lead us to wars and sacrifice of our own lives and create immense suffering.”
But of course Shakespeare said it best:
“There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so”.
THOUGHTS AS ROLES
So perhaps you see yourself a certain way - you have undertaken a role that is so important to you that the values of that role become the driving force in your life. That’s what we ALL do. Examples could be that you see yourself as:
The list goes on - there is no problem in having these roles with some awareness, but most of the time we don’t even notice because we are reacting impulsively to thoughts - these are the invisible TIES. We cannot be enlightened (free, easy-going, open) if we are bound to our roles tightly. Notice if you present your ‘image’ a certain way. If someone challenges you by saying “you are not a very nice person”) do you launch you into defense mode? If we didn’t hold onto these strong beliefs then we wouldn’t react to the challenges so much - they wouldn’t really touch us. And then we can respond as we wish, in an enlightened way. This might be defensive, but it would have a light touch and energy, because it is not needy.
EGO - WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE
Ego is part of nature - it helps us navigate social structures. Too much ego identification prevents us from remembering our true nature and from remembering that we are lucky to simply be alive, to have the gift of life. We might feel burdened by our roles so much, trapped by the compulsive thoughts and beliefs that we feel disconnected from our truth and from other beings. So this is what happens when we become identified with thought.
LOOSEN THE TIES TO THOUGHTS; TAKE A SEAT
So an invitation - sit down, take a few longer breaths, feeling into the body and watching the busy mind, then ask yourself these questions:
TIES TO IMPULSES
We often live on autopilot and sometimes we become reactive - you’ve been there, right? Itching every itch, nervously, feeling agitated and needing release? Or, on a more subtle level, you may notice a background tension of craving - wanting experiences, like needing to eat, or needing a cigarette or even needing to orgasm. You sense that without it you’ll become grumpy or frustrated - the emotional reaction tells us it is more than just a desire (want), it is a craving (a sense of need). I think of this as a ‘want----need’ spectrum.
Craving creates tension in the body, a sense of disempowerment and, if indulged regularly, it will create an identification with a small, separate sense of self that always needs something more. Chemically we can attribute this to the dopamine cycle - which means that hormones in the brain feed the pleasure sensors (release of tension) and then raise our threshold for more tension, meaning that if we want the same dopamine feeling again we have to take it to the next level. This could be based on work, shopping, computer games, sex, sport - anything! Building this pattern we become impulsive sensation-seekers - fixated on getting gratification, or to the next level but missing the scenery of the moment, the beauty of the process. We are focused on the fear of missing out (something I am very familiar with). This means we temporarily lose the ability to enjoy anything we do.
This needy pattern TIES us to the momentum of our greed or ambition and we will get dragged along until we are damaged enough to let go. The delaying of gratification (through getting on with our work, for instance) seems irritating and unpleasant. So we want to develop patience again. My method? Taking a SEAT, breathing well and witnessing it all play out. By doing this we challenge the mind’s assumption that you ‘need’ the experience and that not having it will be ‘unpleasant’. This way we slowly develop trust that we are ok without it and we can trust ourselves to handle difficult experiences. You can also use an exposure tool to experience reality - like cold-shower therapy, for example.
LOOSEN THE TIES TO IMPULSES; TAKE A SEAT
So an invitation - Imagine yourself in the midst of this wanting self..... exaggerate it... what's your body like? Feel it? Restless tension? Heart and emotions? Nervous and fearful of angry? Then ask yourself these questions:
Then.., come back to the body - take a SEAT and meditate. This process of meditation and self-enquiry will naturally loosen the TIES. Trust that the insights will come.
TIES TO EMOTIONS
When we are in our reactive self, tied to thoughts and impulses it is inevitable that emotions will overwhelm us. Think of it like being in the sea, tied to a heavy weight. It’s hard to swim and so when the energy of the sea picks up and we get waves we will be battered around - overwhelmed and engulfed. By now you are getting the method I use - I take a SEAT and reflect where my emotions have become overwhelming - where am I reactive? Ask yourself:
In these areas we are not facing the truth - it seems too big of a ‘problem’. That is until we loosen the TIES - and again the way to do this is by taking a SEAT - stop struggling and watch the waves of emotion, connecting to the very thing you are avoiding connecting to:
Sensations can be intense. We then label them as pain or problematic, but look closer and you’ll see that all sensations are simply different intensity of movements, or vibrations. When you relax the labels and start to just breathe with them, experience them and accept them then you change your relationship with them, gradually and naturally. The old story loosens - they are no longer ‘awful’ or ‘frustrating’ or ‘unbearable’ but they might become ‘interesting’, ‘fascinating’ or ‘wonderful’ and then sometimes… just ‘sensation’. No label required - they just are. This is what we are cultivating in mindfulness; objective seeing.
In order to get into this temporary perspective we must first open up to the sensations, without reaction, or even with a gentle and passive welcoming - we then reverse engineer the whole thing and start to accept the whole lot from the root of sensations. This frees us from the TIES and we start to take a SEAT and ride out the waves of emotions, with consciously chosen actions and focused thoughts - positive thoughts - that create what we want. We can be in it and choose how much we get involved in emotions, impulses and thoughts.
ASK QUESTIONS, DO NOT CRAVE ANSWERS
When we take a SEAT we realise how much the mind compulsively judges, reacts and anylises and we are invited to let it be, not resist, but also not add fuel. We allow it to play out and in doing this we use the breath and we use an attitude of calm, loving kindness. We can pose some questions as we do this:
Don't rush to answers, ask these question internally and stay with the curiosity for a few minutes. In this way we feel the depths of our SEA (Sensations, Emotions and Actions) without engaging too much with thoughts. This is you - the feeling, experiencing you, that is deeper than all the analysis and opinions and stories. Those things are simply the tip of the iceberg - the consciousness.
There is a beautiful poem hints a bit deeper at the truth at which I write about here. Ultimately it must be experienced and poetry allows a taste of experience by stimulating emotion.
The One Deep Inside Your Chest
As the Part 1 said - Fear manifests as resistance and resistance is the body’s natural response to pain. Apathy, distraction, procrastination and confusion are all tools of resistance, designed to stop us from facing the truth and doing our work. Somewhere in our subconscious we have associated work with ‘pain’, so now we procrastinate, to avoid the pain. But why have we made this association in the first place and how can we overcome it? We will address these questions, later, but let’s start by addressing the issue at hand - overcoming procrastination, here and now.
If we are procrastinating then we are leaking energy and time. It’s like we are a ship in a storm - with lot’s of holes because some of the boards on the hull don’t align - we are leaking and becoming heavy. If we’ve been really disorganised or a disaster has struck, then the ship might even be on fire. This is like when you have a series of ‘really urgent’ things getting in the way of your longer-term fulling work. Those things you will just need to deal with - as my friend Tom Robinson used to say:: “Run towards the fire” which I later found out came from the last page of the book: Salty Dog, by Gloria Rand.
But then there are times where the problems are not apparent. Your ship is ok, but you are confused, procrastinating and adrift - slowly letting on water. This is almost more dangerous than a fire, because it will sneak up on you. Quick fixes are needed to address this leaky ship - patches. Tape them to your desk or just use them now. It helps to have a to-do list and know roughly what one wants to do. (if you don’t, check my links at the bottom.) Here are my top 3:
1. Set a timer and turn off distractions. At the start of your work time set a timer, get focused on the task at hand - even if that task is writing your to-do list. Set 25 minutes. Turn off your devices and distractions for that time and just do one thing. Then, when 25 minutes is done, progress to no.2.
2. Next, get up and FLIT to something else for 5 minutes, regularly. Flitting is what hummingbirds do - (and I like to imagine a repair team flitting between repairs on the ship) skillfully and gracefully moving and changing location, easily and calmly, looking up every now and then to survey the situation. Be like this. Get off your bum, come away from the desk and practice this simple thing. BE STRICT - don’t cheat yourself by turning the timer off. Just get up now and try this.
FLIT stands for:
This process involves first moving into your senses - to allow a reset between jobs. Moving your attention consciously from analysing to being, which resets the mind and places a punctuation between work and rest. Make sure you do this, exactly when the timer goes off, don’t put it off, even for a minute - get into the habit of standing up and doing a FLIT. It is often better to put something down whilst in the middle of it - so you will have motivation to come back and so that when you come back you can connect again easily. You may find you have to overlap your work, so you revisit the start of a chapter or take a minute to survey where you were - this is also very healthy, as it promotes wider awareness.
This whole practice lubricates your ability to slip between work/rest states and stay in flow. Longer, smoother breaths, witha clear focus has been proven to calm the nervous system and longer outbreaths reduce CO2, further calming the body. Do this regularly and your stress levels stay balanced and you think clearer. This 45 minute video explains.
3. Take a single, tiny step. If you are finding this hard or overwhelming th that is because you are facing a seemingly ‘big’ task (like fixing the whole sinking ship) it can be daunting and starting is always the hardest part, so when you come back to work just commit to doing 2 minutes of something - a ‘tiny’ task! Do it solidly for two minutes (write one page, email one email, call one client). At the end of that congratulate yourself and tick the item. Celebrate and then do it again… this might get the ball rolling. This is a trick of the mind to overcome the starting energy. If the mind associates only 2 minutes of pain it will be more able to handle it than 2 hours of writing your thesis and trying to complete it this week! Just commit to 2 minutes - then celebrate! You will be making progress, just keep going.
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” - Lao Tzu
Turning off distractions in work mode is a big help; turn off all phone/email/facebook notifications for each 25 minutes segment. This is focused work time. Remove all distractions possible for these short chunks. If you are worried that people expect an immediate response, you can add a signature line to your email, informing you only check emails 3 times a day. This focuses you and seals some of the energy leaks. You can even measure your time in these 25 minute chunks and this is known as the pomodoro technique. Doing less and achieving more is all part of mindfulness.
YOU ARE OK
Before we continue, a caveat. All of this is, of course, all a metaphor. I want you to understand that you are perfect as you are - you are growing and learning, but you are already a success, because you made it here to enjoy the human experience. Nonetheless, we all have a play to take part in, if we wish to, a journey that we can choose to undergo. Our minds like to think in analogy, metaphor and story, so I have presented these ideas to help you (and myself) out to get a handle on your life and start to consciously steer the ship, if you want to. These tools might give you that ability faster. Caveat over.
If we have a struggling ship and you have been in rough seas for a while then you need to get that ship into a safe harbour so that we can look at it without the bombarding waves of your everyday demands. Then we can address the long-term questions like ‘where we are going?’ and ‘why?’ (bringing associations and values to our conscious awareness), train your crew (embedding healthy associations via routines), build up resources and tools (preparing for the long voyage) and connect with others, who might be able to help next time (building a support network). This may take time, so allowing for this introspection an hour in your day, or a few hours each week may be the starting point. If you can dedicate several hours over a weekend - get out of the house and treat yourself to this, it could be really beneficial. I’ll cover this more in Part 3: Preparing to voyage.
PROCRASTINATION: HIDING FROM PAIN
Before that it is important to think about the sources of our procrastination - which are mainly: our self- beliefs, worldview and associations & values. All your current habits and addictions are not the source of your procrastination - they are the symptom. In a very psychoanalytic way, let me explain;
Growing up we learn to notice the sources of pain by looking for consistency in the things we were doing or thinking at that specific moment that we felt it (or leading up to it). We make associations from those observations. However, the severity of the pain combined with less awareness and coping resources (like that of a child) can lead us to draw conclusions faster, in a more confused way.
If we can’t recognize the source of the pain then we might panic and make a rash association, which, until disproven, will create fearful internal reactions of tension around the object of our association. A good example of this is is a ‘phobia’, which is ‘a disproportionate internal fear response to something’, like if a child feels in danger when experiencing a confined space. This could potentially lead to claustrophobia in a later stage of life - and avoid small spaces. It is even more complex with the nuances of fear that lead us to procrastinate from our cherished work.
I’ve been asked by a few people what happens in a mindfulness session. Most people now understand what meditation is - they’ve seen enough meditating buddhists to know that roughly it is a sitting practice of paying attention to one's inner world - the world of breath and sensations in the body. Until experienced however watching and talking about meditation can only take you so far. Like any skill it must be experienced and practiced to yield results.
To facilitate this I tend to start with a 15 minute sitting meditation, in the classic Vipassana (insight) style. This is sitting in a posture that represents ‘self-respect’ (most people opt for sitting upright, but for some the body requires lying down or leaning) and closing the eyes to invite in stillness of body and mind. In that time we listen to the language of the body - Sensations, Emotions and Actions (the SEA). I guide as we explore breath, sound, feelings and keep noticing when the wandering mind goes off into thoughts. These moments are a critical part of the practice. To notice where the mind goes, to observe and allow, and then to choose to let go and turn the attention back to the body, again and again. Gradually this becomes easier.
We talk and share after meditation and this usually brings up a discussion of how we can use mindfulness in our everyday lives. I have a host of tools that I sometimes share or we simply listen to one another, continuing to practice mindful listening.
The final 15 minutes is also dedicated to meditation - but this time I go with the energy of the group. Sometimes we will sit, other times a walk or standing meditation, or to music, or some other movement. We have even brought in food or smells. Sometimes we use the imagination more to practice a compassion or gratitude meditation.
These sessions are designed for new or experienced meditators. They help establish a regular practice and explore concerns. The Tuesday class (4pm) I created is donation-based, making it very accessible and the Wednesday evening (7:45pm) has some slightly longer meditations and is priced normally. I hope you manage to make it along soon and experience mindfulness first hand at Breathe Bristol Yoga Centre - located on 20 Upper Maudlin St, BS2 8DJ (book via MoveGB too) or check out my other courses.
Neil Morbey is a meditation teacher, group facilitator and inspiration guide for Positively-Mindful.com