This blog is my perspective on why we repeat patterns, get attracted to people who trigger us, and why nothing is wrong - this is all good stuff, if we choose to play with it. Reactions Rule We are emotional creatures (more than logical). Most of our 'reactions' are caused by hidden emotional wounds, obscured by defense mechanisms . Until we can see them and trace them to their origin we will react cluelessly to them. People in therapy are going through a process of recognising, accepting and working with these internal wounds and reactions. Michael Singer calls these wounds, the inner thorns. I tend to agree. The clues that you are reacting to an inner wound are 'disturbance':
I have found the best way I can change my patterns is to prepare to remember. If I do some prep work then I can spot the wounded reactions and more easily interrupt them. Prep involves facing our fears. What is the underlying need or fear? Fear and need are two sides of the same coin. So working together and switching between fear and need the two questions you could ask repeatedly are:
Here's an interview between a Client (C) and Questioner (Q): C: "I need to get this job and I'm feeling anxious all the time" Q: 'What is the need beneath that?' C: "I need money and a career that I like!" Q: 'What is the need beneath that?' C: "I guess security. And maybe satisfaction?... No... Purpose!" Q: 'What is the need beneath that?' C: "I don't know!" Q: 'Then what is the fear of might happen?' C: "What if I don't get it? I'll be penniless, broke... my girlfriend might leave me." Q: 'Then what is the fear of might happen?' C: "It'd be awful. I'd feel like such a loser - alone and lost" Q: 'Then what is the fear of might happen?' C: "I don't know... I guess I could become depressed, go mad and lose the will to live!" Q: 'What is the need beneath that?' C: "I guess I'm needing connection and the knowledge that I'm OK" Q: 'So what you're really needing is a sense of connection and acceptance" C: "Yes. I want a job for those reasons. I guess it's not really about the job after all..." Deep Diving Reveals Insights If we keep diving into this 'fear and need' we will get closer to the wounding within. However the nervous system does not always think in verbal language or even in images. Some stuff is pre-verbal and not remembered, so much be explored through the emotional system itself. You have to 'feel to heal'. The Role of Mindfulness
Meditation and mindfulness invite us to see beyond our thoughts and stories, our words and imaginations, to look into the void within, to feel the sensations and emotions of the body and to hold them in loving awareness, so that we may find and heal wounds and change patterns of behaviour. To cultivate loving responses rather than fearful reactions. The Nervous System Wants a Disconfirming Experience Until we do realise our reactions we will continue to unconsciously create that which we fear the most. I believe this is our nervous system's way of recreating the original wound, as a way of finding a healing experience, or a 'disconfirming' experience. For example: A client of mine was afraid of getting close to men, because of a difficult early experience in her life. When she experienced a man who she wanted to be close to, and she engaged with him with openness and some coaching, they found a surprise. With open communication and boundary skills the man was loving, kind and safe. This 'disconfirming experience' helped her to relax and enjoy his company. She was drawn to men like this and, unlike in her youth, the person was not mean. It meant she could relax, knowing 'it isn't always true' that men are nasty. That meant she could let herself get closer to men. She could do this in a safe, balanced way. Gradual Exposure Reduces Fear The original difficult experience, and many others, confirmed the fear was legitimate. The only way to change that is to expose ourselves, vulnerably, to something similar, and have a different outcome - one that changes the way the mind and body perceive the reality. To see that positive outcomes are possible and then we can relax and stop reacting through fear. Be Process Oriented Life is a process. We can be a slave to it or we can be an active participant and use the process to help us heal, grow and learn. Coaching, therapy and training mindfulness is simply a way of getting into that process more consciously, so we can move it forward. It will be painful, it will be difficult (at times) but nothing is wrong. This is OK. This is exactly where you need to be. Create Safer Exposure For Yourself, Now. If you'd like to begin this process, in a safe fun way, come and chat with me and do an introduction Coaching session or a course with one of my Groups or In your Workplace. You can contact me below.
2 Comments
4/2/2021 11:46:44 pm
Outstandingly informative and clarity driven thank you for this
Reply
Johanna
2/2/2023 02:43:22 am
I found your website and really appreciate your writing. I’m interested in coaching and groups, but I’m in the US and was wondering if only the meditation group is online? Thanks.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorsNeil Morbey is a meditation teacher, group facilitator and inspiration guide for Positively-Mindful.com Blog Index
Archives
October 2024
|
Proudly powered by Weebly