SAFER communication to help in emotional conversations

To me this is a very important blog. I run courses to bring people together because I know how important it has been in my life to have friends and partners who are able to listen with empathy when I feel vulnerable, emotional and in need of connection and understanding. I put tools like this out there with the hope of linking people up with empathy buddies in their lives, so we can have more connection and less pain in the world. Please read this and consider linking up with a friend to make an empathy buddy connection. I think its one of the main things that saved my life. 

Vulnerability needs SAFER communication
When people feel vulnerable the psyche creates a protector using our powerful EMOTIONS. Sometimes this gets out of hand and it becomes a sabotaging ‘panicked protector’ which inhibits rational thinking to prioritize the immediate safety and survival of the organism.  In order for the panicked protector to calm down and allow a rational discussion, it must first feel a sense of safety. This is achieved by giving the vulnerable person Space to share and be  Acknowledged and appreciated, Feelings to be validated, Empathic exploration to be encouraged and finally a sense of Respect and recognition for our efforts and achievements.  This helps us to feel seen and understood, which is very helpful before problem-solving or reconnection can happen.

How I use SAFER
I try and do this when dealing with any vulnerable moment in a relationship that I care for. It helps us to communicate openly and honestly,. In order to do it it is important I practice doing it form myself, so that I have the inner space to offer to others. This SOLO practice is described later, as part of a therapeutic technique called Voice Dialogues (talking to yourself). See the bottom of this sheet for more information. 

First I'll layout the model. Make it a habit to change your self-talk and your communication with others using:

SAFER communication:

S: Space: Make space to slow down your speech and breath and listen fully to the other (or to yourself). Sharing openly won’t happen without making space for it. Practice mindful listening (80% of attention on them, 20% on your body and breath), no interruption). Fully allow space for anything that arises, whether it is emotional, challenging, repetitive, loud or quiet. I also find it helpful to set some time boundaries at the start. If at any time during listening you realise you're out of space, interrupt and offer reflection. Roughly we don't want to exceed 3 minute chunks of talking, because it becomes hard to hold more. Key phrases here:

1. “I’m open if you would like to share”
2. “What’s moving in you right now?”
3. “How are you, really? I’d really like to know”
   
4. "Let's talk for 20 minutes and then stop, OK?"
   
5. "Can I interrupt and reflect my understanding so far?"
   
   

A: Acknowledge: Value this sharing. Always begin with “Thank you for sharing”. Take a breath and respond from your wise inner adult, repeating back what you heard, paraphrasing or summarising the important bits.

1. “Thank you for sharing”   
2. "I heard…”

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F: Feelings: Name the feelings you heard. Use the exact word and also synonyms ("You feel 'sad', really 'low' and 'teary'?") - validate the feelings and maximise them because people have a tendency to minimise feelings . Focus on and validate whatever someone is feeling. Reflect the vibe of the emotion in your acknowledgements.  Get into the feeling tone a little, with them. 
If you are not sure what they are feeling try and guess. As the listener try and connect to your own heart and body - what are you feeling as you listen? This can be a guide.  

1. "You're feeling..." (Angry, Scared, Sad, Lonely, Guilty, Ashamed... (see feelings list)
2. “I imagine you feel… (feeling guess)... is that right?
   
   

E: Empathic Exploration:  This step is really about feeling alongside the other. Take the perspective of the other person and, staying out of judgement, explore what it might be like to be them. Feeling alongside people, without a need to fix, but just to more deeply understand creates real connection and healing, in my opinion. Get into their story and fill out the details and emotional journey. Some things we can offer include: 

1. “I can really imagine your situation is...
   
2. "It makes sense to me that you feel...”
3. “I can see how you've been really needing... and feeling... "
   
   

R Respect: This is the cherry on top - ending with respecting this human being for their efforts, awareness and courage in the face of such vulnerability.  When we are really seen in the struggles of our situation and how much we are doing and trying we feel so much better (and often emotions like grief pour out). When we are celebrated in our achievements we feel validated, appreciated and positive. Sometimes we resist these compliments, especially if we suffer 'imposter syndrome' but that's ok. The more we hear them the more we chip away at that armour. People tend to change and come back to their true selves when they feel seen and supported, not criticised. 

1. I can really see how much you try and it's amazing.
2. You are managing so much right now. 
3. I love how you... (insert compliment - genuine noticing and celebration). I admire you/ am proud of you.
4. I really appreciate you for...

When you share, try and connect with how you feel. Slow down as much as you can. You can always ask them if they could acknowledge what you said and felt. After you have both shared you can begin a normal dialogue to problem solve or connect physically to create a loving connection. 

Finding an Empathy Buddy
Reach out to a trusted friend to ask for an empathy buddy to practice with (you can have more than one!) It's easiest if they have some connection to your life, but perhaps not the closest person, to begin with. Then allow for 20-30min per person as the focus for the listening with the  SAFER communication tool. Try to keep the chunks of sharing to approx 3 minute chunks, otherwise it is very hard to keep up with all the data. To help with this, as the listener please INTERRUPT them when you don't have more space and offer to reflect back what you've heard. (S A F of SAFER) (A phrase like "Can I reflect what I'm hearing?" 
Then more sharing might come
After a bit of going back and forth the E and R of SAFER can be used. But we don't have to be mega prescriptive. It might be that empathy and respect gets sprinkled in throughout. But nice to end on respect - which naturally leads to mutual appreciation.

I would suggest setting up a weekly connection if the vibe is working. This is nearly as good as therapy (sometimes better).

A LITTLE MORE THEORY

DRAMA and EMPATHY triangles
Below is my interpretation of the drama triangle and how it leads into the empathy triangle. The goal is to give empathy to the parts that are alive. When we do this they naturally come down the triangle, through vulnerability, like sand through an hour glass, and we value, respect and celebrate the person, leaving them feeling seen, appreciated and settled. To read more about my Drama/Empathy Triangles click here. ​​

So finally I hope you can see how creating an empathic way of communicating when the other is in a vulnerable emotional space creates connection and healing. I hope you found this helpful

Come join a group of mine or work with me individually to learn more.