SAFER communication to help in emotional conversations

When people feel vulnerable the psyche creates a protector using our powerful EMOTIONS. Sometimes this gets out of hand and it becomes a sabotaging ‘panicked protector’ which inhibits rational thinking to prioritize the immediate safety and survival of the organism. 

In order for the panicked protector to calm down and allow a rational discussion, it must first feel a sense of safety. This is achieved by giving the vulnerable person space to share and be appreciated and acknowledged, feelings to be validated, respected and recognised before problem-solving or reconnection can happen.

I do this when dealing with any vulnerable moment in a relationship that I care for. It helps us feel heard, understood and loved. Then we can calm down and communicate openly and honestly. This can also be done SOLO as part of a therapeutic technique called Voice Dialogues (talking to yourself). See the bottom of this sheet for more information. 

Make it a habit to change your self-talk and your communication with others using

SAFER communication:

S: Space: Make space to slow down your speech and breath and listen fully to the other (or to yourself). Sharing openly won’t happen without making space for it. Practice mindful listening (80% of attention on them, 20% on your body and breath), no interruption). Fully allow space for anything that arises, whether it is emotional, challenging, repetitive, loud or quiet. For solo work, I give myself about 3 minutes to be heard. Key phrases here:

1. “I’m open if you would like to share”
2. “What’s moving in you right now?”
3. “How are you, really? I’d really like to know”
   
   

A: Acknowledge: Value this sharing. Always begin with“Thank you for sharing”. Take a breath and respond from your wise inner adult, repeating back what you heard, paraphrasing or summarising the important bits.

1. “Thank you for sharing”   
2. "I hear…”

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F: Feelings: Respect the feelings. Focus on and validate whatever someone is feeling. Get into the feeling tone a little, with them Reflect the vibe of the emotion in your acknowledgements. If you are not sure what they are feeling try and guess. Connecting to yourself can help with this. What do you feel?

1. “I imagine you feel… (hurt,  angry, scared, sad, ashamed etc).... And that’s OK.
2. “I understand why you feel this way…I can relate…it makes complete sense.”
   
   

E: Empathic Exploration: Respect even more by inviting more empathic exploration. Give a little nudge of encouragement. Encourage the use of words like ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m proud’ or ‘you are doing great’ or ‘I’m so grateful you are sharing this with me’ and then exploration questions. Don’t make them judgemental. Make the questions open, without inferring they need to do more or are not enough. I like:

1. “Can you say some more?”
2. “I’d love to hear more.”
3. "That sounds hard and I wonder how it is for you"
   
   

R Respect: Celebrate efforts, awareness and achievements. When we are really seen in the struggles of our situation and how much we are doing and trying we feel so much better (and often emotions like grief pour out). When we are celebrated in our achievements we feel validated, appreciated and positive. Sometimes we resist these compliments, especially if we suffer 'imposter syndrome' but that's ok. The more we hear them the more we chip away at that armour.

1. I can really see how much you try and it's amazing.
2. You are managing so much right now. 
3. I love how you... (insert compliment - genuine noticing and celebration). I admire you/ am proud of you.

When you share, try and connect with how you feel. Slow down as much as you can. You can always ask them if they could acknowledge what you said and felt. After you have both shared you can begin a normal dialogue to problem solve or connect physically to create a loving connection. 

DRAMA and EMPATHY triangles
Below is my interpretation of the drama triangle and how it leads into the empathy triangle. The goal is to give empathy to the parts that are alive. When we do this they naturally come down the triangle, through vulnerability, like sand through an hour glass, and we value, respect and celebrate the person, leaving them feeling seen, appreciated and settled. To read more about my Drama/Empathy Triangles click here. ​​

Using this tool SOLO
Working with yourself or another it may be you have to move between parts a few times to reach a point where the vulnerable/emotional part feels calmer and safe enough to have a more rational and solution-focused conversation. Using a mirror can help, as a focus. Try and finish with positive reassurance for yourself - connecting with the parts that are loving, wise and calm. 

Morning and Evening Practice: Self-Parenting Mirror Work
This is a practice I do daily, sometimes twice a day. 

The aim of all this work is to develop unconditional love which will allow a natural outpouring of gratitude, blessings, generosity, kindness, curiosity, playfulness, motivation, optimism and effective and creative work. 

To get there we have to be with what is real, in it’s rawest form, first, then bring in the wise, loving part of ourselves to dialogue empathetically. This requires ‘space’. 

Logistics
You’ll need:

• A private space. If you don’t have one go to the park or the car. Find any space away from people that the mind will be wary of. You need the mind to feel free to express raw emotion and judgments. 
• A chunk of time of around 30 minutes. It can be done in less time, but only with practice. 
• A timer to keep track
• A mirror

Solo Method:

1. Set the timer for 5 minutes. This is the first space for the emotional part of you to share. IF you have a repeating timer use that and cap it at 6 sessions of 5 mins = 30 minutes. 
2. Look into the mirror and ask yourself: “How are you?” You can add a term of endearment or if you are reparenting you could use your name/relationship. Eg. “How are you Neil, my beautiful son? I want to know anything that’s going on for you.”
3. Open up and look into the mirror, attentively. Here you are accessing the raw emotion most (80%) and reserving only 20% for the wise witness to take it all in. The priority is to allow what is real. Use repetition lots. If a bold statement emerges, repeat it multiple times and really get into the movement and emotion of it. Eg. “I don’t know what to do, I don;t know what to do…”
4. Allow 5 minutes then use SAFE to respond. It’s important to allow space, but also not so much that the emotional part takes over. It needs to be held. If there is a gap before 5 mins is over then get in there and deliver empathy with Acknowledgement “Thank you for sharing. I heard…”. Feelings “You’re feeling x… and that’s OK” (with this one make sure to match the feeling in your tone and body language. Get with them. If they are angry, be a bit angry and agree with them. If they are worried and urgent, be faster paced for a moment, with them. If they are defeated and depressed, be coddling of that and emphasise how hard it all is. Then ENCOURAGE EXPLORATION. Put it back to them to go deeper and feel it even more. “You’re doing great, can you say more?” or “It’s ok to have this emotion, what’s that feel like?”
5. Keep going back and forth until you reach vulnerability and then come into RECOGNITION of SAFER. By the end of the process we want the emotional part to move away from anxiety and anger and towards the raw sadness and vulnerability underneath and then to recognise the value of ourselves. This is the end of the EMP[ATHY TRIANGLE and it will allow you to feel more seen, understood and inspired.
6. Follow up this process with something rewarding and wholesome. I like to dance, stretch, exercise or go for a walk in nature. Sometimes I’m hungry and I’ll eat well. Music is often good. Then I get into my work (if morning) with a renewed sense of self-worth. 

© Neil Morbey: Positively-Mindful 2022