Timed Talk & Listen - a tool to practice in relationship.

Do you ever get stuck or end up arguing because of miscommunication in your relationships? 

This is a tool I created to use when talking between two people becomes incredibly difficult and you’d like to reconnect, constructively. I hope you enjoy it and please let me know if you have feedback. 

The problem: is that both people get so frustrated that they interrupt and don’t really listen. This leads to resentment and frustration.

The method: Schedule 30 minutes to connect without interruption in a comfortable space. You’ll need a timer and you might need writing material each. Begin in silent contemplation of our intentions (which may be written down as an aid). We then take ‘timed’ turns - one person speaks and the other listens. The listener’s first words before changing roles should be ‘ thank you’ to show respect for honest sharing. We repeat this for 3 rounds, with a shorter final round.

1. SETUP: Make sure everyone is comfortable. Tea/water is onhand. Ensure you are in a distraction free zone for the next 30 minutes. If you need to do anything else within that time attend to it first. Place the timer between you. Ensure you both have a comfortable distance.
2. INTENTION: Set the timer for 3 minutes and then sit in silence with your eyes closed and ponder the question: What ‘state’ would you love to create within the relationship? Writing it down may help you later. Eg. Connection, understanding, calm, clarity, friendliness etc.
3. DECIDE WHO STARTS: Flip a coin and the winner goes first as ‘speaker’. The speaker always starts the timer.
4. SHARE INTENTION: 30 seconds each: Speaker will share intention as the other listens, then change roles. The second speaker can say exactly the same if they wish, but try to remain focus on starting your own intention and not just responding to the other.
5. ROUND 1: 5 Minutes each:  Speaker is free to talk and look where they want and to spend time in silence. Listener tries to maintain eye contact and practice whole-body-listening, not filling any silence. No suggestions, or advice. At the end of 5 minutes the listener says ‘THANK YOU’, then you swap. The second speaker is free to respond to points raised or talk about their own ideas. It is always up to you what you say.
6. ROUND 2:  5 minutes each: Remembering your intention, and to say ‘thank you’.
7. ROUND 3: 3 minutes each: Remembering your intention, and to say ‘thank you’.
8. ENDING: You may wish to hug or continue talking, sum up or simply finish.​

REMEMBER: Emotions are welcome!

A useful ending can be to sum up:

1. What you now realise and understand (that the other person was saying). “I’m realising you thought…”
2. What you appreciate (about yourself and the other). “I’m appreciating that you took the time to…”
3. What you want (sharing a plan or requesting something). “I’d like… would you be willing to…?”
   
   

This tool is related to the I FIND I’m RAW tool for self expression. You may wish to consider using this format if you get stuck in talking. However, if at any point there is silence the listener must not interrupt or prompt the speaker. LET THERE BE SILENCE, It is vital for respect processing. 

VULNERABLE!
Having a real conversation with actual listening takes courage and feels vulnerable. Remember to practice healthy self care by finding your own balance of boundaries and empathy. In the end you will know if it is worth it, because experiencing this kind of honesty and intimacy can feel incredible and reconnect people through seemingly impossible arguments. Good luck, keep breathing and listen to yourself too. x ​

Bonus: Celeste Headless tips:
Keep your mouth shut frequently. Instead of talking endlessly:

1. Listen. If you're mouth is open your not learning. No one ever 'listened' themselves out of the job. Listen to yourself too! Breathe.
2. Be as brief as possible and try not to repeat yourself - it's boring and condescending. Remember that you don’t have to say everything, right away, or even in this conversation. There will be more opportunities to speak. .
3. Trust they care about you so stay out of the minutiae of detailed data to prove a point.
4. Remember that people need time to process before changing their mind. Sometimes they need to sleep on it.

Keep an open mind and be prepared to be surprised. Instead of assuming you know:

1. Don't multitask, stay present, allowing thoughts to come & go by bringing your attention back to the breath as you listen.
2. If you don't know, say that you don't know.
3. Use open-ended questions.
4. Recognize their experience as unique Don't equate your experience with theirs. and let go of the opportunity to brag.
   
5. Speak without blame, if possible, using ‘I feel’ and ‘I imagine’. Don't pontificate and moralize. If you want to state your opinion (without another arguing back) write a blog.