Authentic Relating Tools

Do you ever get stuck or end up arguing because of miscommunication in your relationships? 

This is a tool I created to use when talking between two people becomes incredibly difficult and you’d like to reconnect, constructively. I hope you enjoy it and please let me know if you have feedback. 

The problem: is that both people get so frustrated that they interrupt and don’t really listen. This leads to resentment and frustration.

The method:
Inspired from the practices of Circling and authentic relating, after listening to a person you pause, tune in and respond with either:

• "What I heard you say is... ...is that right?"
• "When I hear you say that I feel... "
• "I imagine you're feeling/thinking... ... is that right?"
• "Can we take a pause? 

Let's look into these in more detail...
​These three simple ways of responding are a way of communicating mindfully. 

• ACKNOWLEDGE AND CLARIFY: "What I heard you say is... ...is that right?" You don't have to repeat everything you just heard word-for-word, but you can distil the essence and see if you got it right.  This also shows the talker you are giving enough respect to be paying attention and trying to listen well. It also stops you launching into you're own stuff! 
• REVEALING YOUR INNER WORLD: "When I hear you say that I feel... " - This is a way of tuning in to what you felt internally. If we stick with sensations first, before emotions or thoughts then we are sharing our internal world, honestly. 
• CHECKING MY PROJECTIONS "I imagine you're feeling/thinking... ... is that right?" We often think we know what the other is thinking and feeling. If you check it out you both demonstrate that you are trying to be attuned, you care and you want to understand the other. It can also reveal our own wounds and pain to the other. When we share vulnerably like this it can really help. 
• TAKING A PAUSE "Can we take a pause?"  One of the most powerful things we can do is say. Go away from each other and think about something else, calm yourself down and when you come back you'll be in a slightly calmer  mindset and nervous system.  I recommend 1-15 minutes

A useful ending can be to sum up:

1. What you now realise and understand (that the other person was saying). “I’m realising you thought…”
2. What you appreciate (about yourself and the other). “I’m appreciating that you took the time to…”
3. What you want (sharing a plan or requesting something). “I’d like… would you be willing to…?”
   
   

This tool is related to the I FIND I’m RAW tool for self expression. You may wish to consider using this format if you get stuck in talking. However, if at any point there is silence the listener must not interrupt or prompt the speaker. LET THERE BE SILENCE, It is vital for respect processing. 

VULNERABLE!
Having a real conversation with actual listening takes courage and feels vulnerable. Remember to practice healthy self care by finding your own balance of boundaries and empathy. In the end you will know if it is worth it, because experiencing this kind of honesty and intimacy can feel incredible and reconnect people through seemingly impossible arguments. Good luck, keep breathing and listen to yourself too. x ​

Bonus: Celeste Headless tips:
Keep your mouth shut frequently. Instead of talking endlessly:

1. Listen. If you're mouth is open your not learning. No one ever 'listened' themselves out of the job. Listen to yourself too! Breathe.
2. Be as brief as possible and try not to repeat yourself - it's boring and condescending. Remember that you don’t have to say everything, right away, or even in this conversation. There will be more opportunities to speak. .
3. Trust they care about you so stay out of the minutiae of detailed data to prove a point.
4. Remember that people need time to process before changing their mind. Sometimes they need to sleep on it.

Keep an open mind and be prepared to be surprised. Instead of assuming you know:

1. Don't multitask, stay present, allowing thoughts to come & go by bringing your attention back to the breath as you listen.
2. If you don't know, say that you don't know.
3. Use open-ended questions.
4. Recognize their experience as unique Don't equate your experience with theirs. and let go of the opportunity to brag.
   
5. Speak without blame, if possible, using ‘I feel’ and ‘I imagine’. Don't pontificate and moralize. If you want to state your opinion (without another arguing back) write a blog.