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Compare and Despair? Remember Now is Wow!

12/10/2021

I've had a depressing week. I've been comparing myself and letting my mind drag me into a low mood by believing (or not challenging) the stories of comparison, regret and self judgement:

He's so successful - I should have worked harder and smarter - I'm a failure!
He's got an amazing house - I need a house! I should have bought one ten years ago - I'm so stupid!
She's on holiday - Why didn't I sort a holiday - I'm so indecisive!
He's so fit and I'm weak and pathetic!
They're so happy - I'm so anxious and scattered - I'm a broken mess!

This kind of thinking is responsible for so much despair in my life and so many other people's. I coach people and have the privilege of helping them to escape this endless loop of misery and internal drama. But that doesn't mean I can always escape it myself. In fact I notice how I often post all the nice bits of life on social media - then other people can compare themselves negatively to me! Oh dear! With practice I'm getting more resilient to comparison. What is the practice?

Compare = Despair

Social Media Fuels Comparison

I'm fortunate enough to have access to some pretty awesome friends and therapists and this week I've been taking a look at my inner critic in more detail, as well as the vulnerable inner victim. In the paradigm of 'parts work' (AKA internal family systems, voice dialogue, fooling etc) we recognise there are many parts at play in our internal landscape. There parts are like people of their own accord. If you pay attention to yourself you'll notice your energy levels, voice and posture change when you are 'playing out' different parts.

In one recent therapy session I took time to go into my sad 'I don't know what I'm doing' part and really empathise with him. I was able to link it back to a 12 year old version of me that had trauma when entering secondary school. He felt (and still feels) deflated, small and depressed at the challenges of 'big-boy school'. My posture become hunched and my voice is squeezed. I feel this today whenever I encounter setbacks, particularly related to my work or areas where I demonstrate I'm a capable and intelligent person.

I also played out the critical parts of me - the thinkers and judges. These parts embody a more confident and even aggressive energy and posture. These relate to parents, bullies, teachers and... myself. They were necessary parts of myself that helped to protect me.

The purpose of giving these parts space to express themselves is:

To hear what they have to say and understand them. Once they feel heard and understood they can quiet down a little. We can also recognise how they manifest in the body (feelings/urges/pains etc) and that helps us recognise them sooner, in the future, and take helpful action.
To appreciate them - they each have a purpose. We can ask ourselves what that purpose it and it helps us to welcome these parts and redirect their strategies to better serve the purpose.
To befriend and work with them - Once we know them, understand and appreciate them we can even find joy and usefulness in them. We accept these parts of ourselves into our lives and thus we can work with them more effectively. Our default in life is to resist and repress our parts and this often creates the problems of a negative mind and stressed nervous system.

What does this look like?
This morning I gave a lot more space to the critics - who really had some good advice (albeit delivered with some anger and judgements). I took a mirror and placed it in front of me and I began to lay out all the criticisms - full throttle, for 10 minutes! I went through what I should do and how I have been so wrong. Turns out I really do want to be more successful, prosperous and have more ease and fun and if I listen to the advice and weed out the condemning judgements.

I was only able to do this because I've given each part that needed it some space. In my therapy session the vulnerable victim cried - a lot! That cathartic grieving left space for me to hear, understand and appreciate the advice of the inner critics.

The beautiful side effect of all this is that the comparison mindset vanishes (along with the despair) and is replaced with a more appreciative mind - that sees the present moment as a gift - an opportunity to live! Now is wow! Today I've been exercising, working, reading and enjoying nature. It's not perfect and I still get the symptoms of 'compare and despair' occasionaly, but now I can recognise it and meet it with understanding , compassion and some really good 'self care'.

If this sounds like something you'd like to explore let me know and we can do some coaching together, I'm offering a free 1 hr intro session from October 2021. Book here.