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Authentic Relating Tools

22/3/2019

Do you ever get stuck or end up arguing because of miscommunication in your relationships?

This is a tool I created to use when talking between two people becomes incredibly difficult and you’d like to reconnect, constructively. I hope you enjoy it and please let me know if you have feedback.

The problem: is that both people get so frustrated that they interrupt and don’t really listen. This leads to resentment and frustration.

The method:
Inspired from the practices of Circling and authentic relating, after listening to a person you pause, tune in and respond with either:

"What I heard you say is... ...is that right?"
"When I hear you say that I feel... "
"I imagine you're feeling/thinking... ... is that right?"
"Can we take a pause?

Let's look into these in more detail...
These three simple ways of responding are a way of communicating mindfully.

ACKNOWLEDGE AND CLARIFY: "What I heard you say is... ...is that right?" You don't have to repeat everything you just heard word-for-word, but you can distil the essence and see if you got it right. This also shows the talker you are giving enough respect to be paying attention and trying to listen well. It also stops you launching into you're own stuff!
REVEALING YOUR INNER WORLD: "When I hear you say that I feel... " - This is a way of tuning in to what you felt internally. If we stick with sensations first, before emotions or thoughts then we are sharing our internal world, honestly.
CHECKING MY PROJECTIONS "I imagine you're feeling/thinking... ... is that right?" We often think we know what the other is thinking and feeling. If you check it out you both demonstrate that you are trying to be attuned, you care and you want to understand the other. It can also reveal our own wounds and pain to the other. When we share vulnerably like this it can really help.
TAKING A PAUSE "Can we take a pause?" One of the most powerful things we can do is say. Go away from each other and think about something else, calm yourself down and when you come back you'll be in a slightly calmer mindset and nervous system. I recommend 1-15 minutes

A useful ending can be to sum up:

What you now realise and understand (that the other person was saying). “I’m realising you thought…”
What you appreciate (about yourself and the other). “I’m appreciating that you took the time to…”
What you want (sharing a plan or requesting something). “I’d like… would you be willing to…?”

This tool is related to the I FIND I’m RAW tool for self expression. You may wish to consider using this format if you get stuck in talking. However, if at any point there is silence the listener must not interrupt or prompt the speaker. LET THERE BE SILENCE, It is vital for respect processing.

VULNERABLE!
Having a real conversation with actual listening takes courage and feels vulnerable. Remember to practice healthy self care by finding your own balance of boundaries and empathy. In the end you will know if it is worth it, because experiencing this kind of honesty and intimacy can feel incredible and reconnect people through seemingly impossible arguments. Good luck, keep breathing and listen to yourself too. x

Bonus: Celeste Headless tips:
Keep your mouth shut frequently. Instead of talking endlessly:

Listen. If you're mouth is open your not learning. No one ever 'listened' themselves out of the job. Listen to yourself too! Breathe.
Be as brief as possible and try not to repeat yourself - it's boring and condescending. Remember that you don’t have to say everything, right away, or even in this conversation. There will be more opportunities to speak. .
Trust they care about you so stay out of the minutiae of detailed data to prove a point.
Remember that people need time to process before changing their mind. Sometimes they need to sleep on it.

Keep an open mind and be prepared to be surprised. Instead of assuming you know:

Don't multitask, stay present, allowing thoughts to come & go by bringing your attention back to the breath as you listen.
If you don't know, say that you don't know.
Use open-ended questions.
Recognize their experience as unique Don't equate your experience with theirs. and let go of the opportunity to brag.
Speak without blame, if possible, using ‘I feel’ and ‘I imagine’. Don't pontificate and moralize. If you want to state your opinion (without another arguing back) write a blog.

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5 Things SOME People Regret On Their Deathbed

6/3/2019

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Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who has counselled people in their last year of life has revealed the most common regrets we have towards the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is "I wish I hadn't worked so hard." Bronnie recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which became a book called "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying." In it she says, "common themes surfaced again and again." Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Bronnie:

1. "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

This was the most common regret! People realised late on that their life is almost over and with that perspective could see the dreams they gave up on. They realised they had a choice, but kept telling themselves they didn't. The choice wasn't easy, so they pretended there wasn't one and made no choice, which let to hiding. They weren't able to find peace and clarity amidst the noise of external and internal expectations.

In old age they saw how lucky they were to have a healthy body, which brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. "I wish I hadn't worked so long and hard, sacrificing what I loved."

This came from every male patient. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Females from an older generation felt this too. People realised late on that they could have enjoyed work more and found more balance by prioritising their values
This is particularly relevant now as we work behind screens and become sluggish in our bodies. This is why I created the DO-BE-DOTS system.

3. "I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings."

Fear, shame and guilt led people to suppress their feelings in order to be functional and keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and felt they missed out on the joy of real feelings and connection. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried. They realised too late the stories of the mind kept them trapped in suppression. They worried if they felt their feelings everything would be unbearable and fall apart. They realised in old age that the stories weren't true, and we all fall apart in the end anyway, so may as well feel the ride!

4. "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."

The full benefits of old friends were not seen until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over time. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying and the realise how easy it would have been to maintain a friendship, and to bring their honest selves towards others for real friendship, instead of superficial connections.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier."

Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice that each individual has the responsibility to make. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits, giverned by the stories they entertained in the mind. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity stifled them. Fear of change had led them pretence both inward and outwardly. "I'm fine" they would say, whilst inside they longed to laugh properly and have silliness and joy in their life again."

Some questions:

What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?
What's stopping you? (The cost of action)
What's the cost of INACTION?
What's the cost of inaction in 1 year and then 5 years?

These questions are from Tim Ferris' FEAR SETTING exercise, which I made into a tool called WORST/BEST. Which asks us to check out the scenarios and clear up the BS stories of the mind that hold us back. Give it a go and let me know your feedback!