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Timed Talk & Listen - a tool to practice in relationship.

22/3/2019

Do you ever get stuck or end up arguing because of miscommunication in your relationships?

This is a tool I created to use when talking between two people becomes incredibly difficult and you’d like to reconnect, constructively. I hope you enjoy it and please let me know if you have feedback.

The problem: is that both people get so frustrated that they interrupt and don’t really listen. This leads to resentment and frustration.

The method: Schedule 30 minutes to connect without interruption in a comfortable space. You’ll need a timer and you might need writing material each. Begin in silent contemplation of our intentions (which may be written down as an aid). We then take ‘timed’ turns - one person speaks and the other listens. The listener’s first words before changing roles should be ‘ thank you’ to show respect for honest sharing. We repeat this for 3 rounds, with a shorter final round.

SETUP: Make sure everyone is comfortable. Tea/water is onhand. Ensure you are in a distraction free zone for the next 30 minutes. If you need to do anything else within that time attend to it first. Place the timer between you. Ensure you both have a comfortable distance.
INTENTION: Set the timer for 3 minutes and then sit in silence with your eyes closed and ponder the question: What ‘state’ would you love to create within the relationship? Writing it down may help you later. Eg. Connection, understanding, calm, clarity, friendliness etc.
DECIDE WHO STARTS: Flip a coin and the winner goes first as ‘speaker’. The speaker always starts the timer.
SHARE INTENTION: 30 seconds each: Speaker will share intention as the other listens, then change roles. The second speaker can say exactly the same if they wish, but try to remain focus on starting your own intention and not just responding to the other.
ROUND 1: 5 Minutes each: Speaker is free to talk and look where they want and to spend time in silence. Listener tries to maintain eye contact and practice whole-body-listening, not filling any silence. No suggestions, or advice. At the end of 5 minutes the listener says ‘THANK YOU’, then you swap. The second speaker is free to respond to points raised or talk about their own ideas. It is always up to you what you say.
ROUND 2: 5 minutes each: Remembering your intention, and to say ‘thank you’.
ROUND 3: 3 minutes each: Remembering your intention, and to say ‘thank you’.
ENDING: You may wish to hug or continue talking, sum up or simply finish.

REMEMBER: Emotions are welcome!

A useful ending can be to sum up:

What you now realise and understand (that the other person was saying). “I’m realising you thought…”
What you appreciate (about yourself and the other). “I’m appreciating that you took the time to…”
What you want (sharing a plan or requesting something). “I’d like… would you be willing to…?”

This tool is related to the I FIND I’m RAW tool for self expression. You may wish to consider using this format if you get stuck in talking. However, if at any point there is silence the listener must not interrupt or prompt the speaker. LET THERE BE SILENCE, It is vital for respect processing.

VULNERABLE!
Having a real conversation with actual listening takes courage and feels vulnerable. Remember to practice healthy self care by finding your own balance of boundaries and empathy. In the end you will know if it is worth it, because experiencing this kind of honesty and intimacy can feel incredible and reconnect people through seemingly impossible arguments. Good luck, keep breathing and listen to yourself too. x

Bonus: Celeste Headless tips:
Keep your mouth shut frequently. Instead of talking endlessly:

Listen. If you're mouth is open your not learning. No one ever 'listened' themselves out of the job. Listen to yourself too! Breathe.
Be as brief as possible and try not to repeat yourself - it's boring and condescending. Remember that you don’t have to say everything, right away, or even in this conversation. There will be more opportunities to speak. .
Trust they care about you so stay out of the minutiae of detailed data to prove a point.
Remember that people need time to process before changing their mind. Sometimes they need to sleep on it.

Keep an open mind and be prepared to be surprised. Instead of assuming you know:

Don't multitask, stay present, allowing thoughts to come & go by bringing your attention back to the breath as you listen.
If you don't know, say that you don't know.
Use open-ended questions.
Recognize their experience as unique Don't equate your experience with theirs. and let go of the opportunity to brag.
Speak without blame, if possible, using ‘I feel’ and ‘I imagine’. Don't pontificate and moralize. If you want to state your opinion (without another arguing back) write a blog.

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5 Things SOME People Regret On Their Deathbed

6/3/2019

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Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who has counselled people in their last year of life has revealed the most common regrets we have towards the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is "I wish I hadn't worked so hard." Bronnie recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which became a book called "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying." In it she says, "common themes surfaced again and again." Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Bronnie:

1. "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

This was the most common regret! People realised late on that their life is almost over and with that perspective could see the dreams they gave up on. They realised they had a choice, but kept telling themselves they didn't. The choice wasn't easy, so they pretended there wasn't one and made no choice, which let to hiding. They weren't able to find peace and clarity amidst the noise of external and internal expectations.

In old age they saw how lucky they were to have a healthy body, which brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. "I wish I hadn't worked so long and hard, sacrificing what I loved."

This came from every male patient. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Females from an older generation felt this too. People realised late on that they could have enjoyed work more and found more balance by prioritising their values
This is particularly relevant now as we work behind screens and become sluggish in our bodies. This is why I created the DO-BE-DOTS system.

3. "I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings."

Fear, shame and guilt led people to suppress their feelings in order to be functional and keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and felt they missed out on the joy of real feelings and connection. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried. They realised too late the stories of the mind kept them trapped in suppression. They worried if they felt their feelings everything would be unbearable and fall apart. They realised in old age that the stories weren't true, and we all fall apart in the end anyway, so may as well feel the ride!

4. "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."

The full benefits of old friends were not seen until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over time. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying and the realise how easy it would have been to maintain a friendship, and to bring their honest selves towards others for real friendship, instead of superficial connections.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier."

Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice that each individual has the responsibility to make. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits, giverned by the stories they entertained in the mind. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity stifled them. Fear of change had led them pretence both inward and outwardly. "I'm fine" they would say, whilst inside they longed to laugh properly and have silliness and joy in their life again."

Some questions:

What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?
What's stopping you? (The cost of action)
What's the cost of INACTION?
What's the cost of inaction in 1 year and then 5 years?

These questions are from Tim Ferris' FEAR SETTING exercise, which I made into a tool called WORST/BEST. Which asks us to check out the scenarios and clear up the BS stories of the mind that hold us back. Give it a go and let me know your feedback!

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Authors

Neil Morbey is a meditation teacher, group facilitator and inspiration guide for Positively-Mindful.com

Blog Index

Grounding: Stabilize your Wobbles
How to appreciate your struggle 10/3/2022
Allowing Ourselves To Rest 2/2/2022
Committing To Your Deep Truth: Your Mission 19/1/2022
The Attention Wars - Know Your Enemies! 24/11/2021
Practices To Improve Polyvagal Tone 12/11/2021
Being good enough - letting go of 'exceptional'. 8/11/2021
Reschooling and Reparenting - Heal and Train Yourself (Like a Kitten) 26/10/2021
Compare and Despair? Remember Now is Wow! 12/10/2021
Using Self Awareness to Overcome Negative Emotions and Heal Your Trauma Patterns 5/10/2021
How to find true love using meditation 28/9/2021
7 Steps To Establish a New Habit 20/9/2021
Understanding the Main Styles of Counseling 21/5/2021
When to listen to your gut: The power of intuition and instinct 1/3/2021
Breaking the Lockdown Blues 4/2/2021
Trying to Change a Habit? Forget Dopamine Fasting, Take a Holiday! 20/11/2020
How To Liberate Yourself From Wounded Patterns 3/11/2020
Overstimulation - The reason you struggle to focus 16/9/2020
Reminding myself everyday: The MORNING routine 12/9/2020
How to STOP reacting to anxiety 11/5/2020
Creating a Meditation Space for Your Home - Top Ten Tips 5/3/2020
Top 5 things the children loved about Mindfulness classes 9/12/2019
What I learned from my week of being perfectly imperfect, ME 27/11/2019
5 things I learned from a retreat for fools 5/11/2019
How To Meditate - An Example Practice (Body Scan) 25/9/2019
How mindfulness can help you to enjoy the journey. 31/7/2019
Has Mindfulness sold out and become McMindfulness? 24/6/2019
How Nature Can Enrich Your Mindfulness Practice 19/6/2019
Radical Coaching: Shadowing 25/4/2019
Timed Talk & Listen - a tool to practice in relationship. 22/3/2019
5 Things SOME People Regret On Their Deathbed 6/3/2019
Mindfulness at work: more ways to create balance, focus and clarity. 25/1/2019
Everything you need to know about meditation posture and structure. 19/12/2018
Mindfulness Coaching - is it for you? 23/10/2018
Happiness: How Do We Find The Balance? 19/9/2018
The Work of Ghostbusting: Meet the mind with kind inquiry 25/1/2018
Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
Removing Drama Is As Easy As A-B-C! (Part 2 - Spot the signals, name the role.) 24/10/2017
Using Mindfulness to Sleep Better 7/9/2017
3 Ways you can help your workplace become more mindful. 16/8/2017
Top 5 things the children loved about Mindfulness classes 9/12/2019
What I learned from my week of being perfectly imperfect, ME 27/11/2019
5 things I learned from a retreat for fools 5/11/2019
How To Meditate - An Example Practice (Body Scan) 25/9/2019
How mindfulness can help you to enjoy the journey. 31/7/2019
Has Mindfulness sold out and become McMindfulness? 24/6/2019
How Nature Can Enrich Your Mindfulness Practice 19/6/2019
Radical Coaching: Shadowing 25/4/2019
Timed Talk & Listen - a tool to practice in relationship. 22/3/2019
5 Things SOME People Regret On Their Deathbed 6/3/2019
Mindfulness at work: more ways to create balance, focus and clarity. 25/1/2019
Everything you need to know about meditation posture and structure. 19/12/2018
Mindfulness Coaching - is it for you? 23/10/2018
Happiness: How Do We Find The Balance? 19/9/2018
The Work of Ghostbusting: Meet the mind with kind inquiry 25/1/2018
Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
Removing Drama Is As Easy As A-B-C! (Part 2 - Spot the signals, name the role.) 24/10/2017
Using Mindfulness to Sleep Better 7/9/2017
3 Ways you can help your workplace become more mindful. 16/8/2017
How to overcome psychological abuse, mindfully 21/7/2017
Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish 23/6/2017
3 Steps to returning to your nature 10/6/2017
The words you speak become the house you live in 29/5/2017
Low Energy? Listen to your needs. 12/5/2017
How to stay inspired (not impotent by importance). 29/4/2017
What is Spirituality? (And how does it relate to thinking?) 14/4/2017
Breath Works: practices to program BOLD focus. 23/3/2017
Procrastination part 3: TURNING THE SHIP AROUND 10/2/2017
Loosen your TIES to suffering 20/1/2017
Understanding Procrastination Part 2: Just do it now. 15/12/2016
What happens in a 1 hour mindfulness class? 23/11/2016
Transforming Hatred with Kindness - Storytime! 1/11/2016
When Feedback hurts - Own your Shit - Take a SEAT 4/10/2016
No pain, no gain? 22/7/2016
Life is like an echo... echooo... echooooo.... 8/6/2016
Etymology and Mindfulness of Language 13/5/2016
An Awesome or Choresome Life? 24/4/2016
Mindfulness for Young People? 8/4/2016
Explore the depths of your ocean. 29/3/2016
Let Go and Be - escape the Drama triangle! 22/3/2016
THE IMPORTANCE OF FEEDBACK 2/3/2016
Don't Mindfill 22/2/2016
Love is messy, scary, risky... Love and need? 9/2/2016
Awareness of the road! 30/1/2016
Dealing with the emotional drop 12/1/2016
Tools for patience in meditation and in life. 6/1/2016
Useful language and tools for creating healthy discussion 12/12/2015
Craving the crux: 10 lessons learned from my rock climbing addiction 9/12/2015
PLAYFULNESS AND PRESENCE: TEDX BELFAST 2015 30/11/2015
Orestes, The Furies and The Eumenides (Kindly ones). A story of vengeance, guilt and forgiveness 5/11/2015
Learning barefoot: feeling more 26/10/2015
Musings on Choice and Obligation 20/10/2015
What is enlightenment and what's the process of getting there? 10/9/2015
What is Mindfulness and Why Practice? 3/9/2015
My Vipassana Retreat Experience 9/7/2015

Blog! Seize the day, then let it go

Timed Talk & Listen - a tool to practice in relationship.

Do you ever get stuck or end up arguing because of miscommunication in your relationships?

5 Things SOME People Regret On Their Deathbed

1. "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

2. "I wish I hadn't worked so long and hard, sacrificing what I loved."

3. "I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings."

4. "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier."

Authors

Archives

Blog! Seize the day, then let it go

Timed Talk & Listen - a tool to practice in relationship.

Do you ever get stuck or end up arguing because of miscommunication in your relationships?

5 Things SOME People Regret On Their Deathbed

1. "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

2. "I wish I hadn't worked so long and hard, sacrificing what I loved."

3. "I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings."

4. "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier."

Authors

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