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Blog! Seize the day, then let it go 

BLOG INDEX

The Attention Wars - Know Your Enemies!

24/11/2021

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We live in a safer world now (I speak from my privileged  position in it). But we still have wars and the biggest war is fought 24/7 - it is the war for our attention. We have enemies in this war and we can use their image to motivate healthier habits. In this blog I'll talk about how I use it to get up early, to stop distraction and to focus on my goals.  Let's do this! 
I've been enjoying the music of Akira The Don, who makes beats to accompany soundbites from inspiring speakers. In this tune he takes a speech from Jocko Willink - an ex Navy-Seal - to inspire us to use the enemy image to get up early. I paraphrase quips from Jocko here:
  • "I like to have that psychological win over the enemy. When I wake up in the morning... I'm thinking about the enemy and what they're doing. "
  • "I imagine there's a guy rocking back and forth, with a machine gun in one hand and a grenade in the other, and he's waiting - for me! We're going to meet!"
  • "I'm thinking to myself what can I do to be ready for that moment? Which is coming"
  • "Successful is someone who brings light into that darkness"
  • "I will use the word 'Fearless' not because they didn't have fear, but that  they overcame it, all the time." (This is from the song  'This Is It')
  • 'To live and fight and die like a warrior - to overcome fear - that to me is success. Regardless of the outcome.'

Who have you made your enemy?

We mostly use the enemy image unconsciously. We make enemies of our friends, other people and even ourselves. We don't realise we do this and we also don't realise the negative effects it has on our mood, body and relationships. Two examples come to mind: 
  • Some Left Liberals imagine bitter, short sighted Tories, hoarding money and shitting on the environment. The worry that the world is being dragged into fascist and environmentally destructive dystopia leads them to become more and more radical in their rebellious approach. 
  • Some Right Conservatives imagine lazy, workshy hippies, draining the national purse illegally. This leads them to despise people who are in poverty and become judgemental and bitter and try to make stricter and harsher rules. 
These examples of 'othering' can also be done consciously - We can make up a story to help us and thus avoid the negative side effects of confusing imagination with reality. Here is how I do it:

Modern Enemies Look Like This:

I imagine two main enemies in this modern battle:. I understand these are characters and not 'real' people (who are more complex). The following  images help motivate me to thwart the attention wandering.  
#1: The Corporate Attention Masters.
Think Mark Zuckerberg meets Jeff Bezos; Money hungry business tycoons that exploit people in a trance to create content for them and buy stuff on their online platforms, as they bombard you with stimulus. This robs you of your most precious commodity -your attention. You become a zombie consumer, lost in a trance of media and products and left lost in a world of comparison and confusion.  This is enemy #1 .
 #2: The Online Attention Provokers
I imagine spoiled, resentful and entitled tweens and twenty somethings, on Reddit and YouTube (like Jake Paul, Morgz , Liza Koshy, Logan Paul, Alissa Violet - I had to research these - it's scary stuff). They want your attention too - to drag you into liking or hating them - spreading (mis)information and sparking pointless debates about irrelevant stuff, leaving you feeling guilt, shame and anger. This includes text message wars on the phone. This is enemy #2.

The truth is: These enemies are inside you

I teach this and I still forget at times - such is the power of the modern trance.
Whenever we create an enemy image it is usually a representation of a part of ourselves that we repress, but very much lives inside.  When I consider my enemies - yes there are people in the world like that but the real enemy is my own pattern of distraction and then blaming, whilst ignoring my own body and mind. The real enemy is within.
The line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”. -  Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
So what can I do?
I take the advice of Ghandi and Jocko (can you imagine these two combined!? What a team!)
Be the change I want to see and Prepare for battle with the enemy. Just  like in this video ​we must recognise the inner parts if we are to tame them. This means discipline and boundaries.
What this means in practice: 
  • Practice Discipline and Boundaries: Starting my day well, off the smartphone and using techniques (which I teach and coach) to liberate myself from online and offline distractions that only serve the corporate Zuckerberg's of the world. 
  • Practice Gratitude and Empathy: I use mindfulness to create more love and less hate in myself and in my relationships. I step back from online debates (including text messages) and have real conversations and real relationships. 
For me this means I have a morning routine of getting up early, meditating, journaling, working out and then a daily practice of using Pomodoro's to stay focused and gradually changing my online habits. I keep the enemies in my mind to remind me of the parts within. 

If you'd like to learn some of these techniques and develop a healthy relationship with yourself and others please get in touch and do some coaching with me. 
I want better focus and healthier relationships !
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Practices To Improve Polyvagal Tone

12/11/2021

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Polyvagal theory has become core in my teaching and practice, since researching Dr Porges ideas and then  through my trauma healing. It has helped me become more resilient. Here I share practical uses to improve  skill in switching states and finding balance. 

Polyvagal Theory: Three Nervous System States

I find the stuff on the internet needlessly complex. I'm going to simplify it. 
Imagine we have three states, or gears:​
  • Red: Activated  Monkey:  Fight and Flight  - The  panicked action state of the 'Sympathetic System'
  • Green: Learning Human:  Rest and Digest - The calm and creative 'Parasympathetic  System'
  • Grey: ​Immobile Lizard: Freeze - The helpless, numb, dissociative state of 'Dorsal Vagal System'
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WINDOW OF TOLERANCE
A better way of considering it is to think of the green zone in the middle as a window of tolerance that you want to keep returning to and expanding through deliberate practice of dipping into the stretch zones either side. This is a nicer way of describing the Comfort Zone, Stretch Zones and Panic Zone. 

AIM: FLEXIBILITY AND RESILIENCE
We are ultimately aiming for psychological and bodily flexibility. To be able to move between states, so we can be resilient to them when they come up. We cannot just stop them from appearing. They call it the autonomic nervous system for a reason. To become more flexible and resilient we can think of it like a muscle. 

NEUORCEPTION - MINDFULLY BECOME AWARE OF YOUR CURRENT STATE
But first you have to be AWARE of what state you are in. This is actually quite simple - tune in (mindfully) to the body and notice if you are activated into panicked action or frozen in immobile confusion and numbness. To do this however takes some skill. When we practice mindfulness we develop our nueroception -our ability to be aware and even name and describe our internal state.
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Tuning in, whilst in the sun... what do I feel... What would I like to feel = Getting in touch with my needs

Shifting state from Immobile Lizard State (Freeze / Hypoarousal)

OK so you've discovered you're stuck in indecision and confusion, immobile and static. What next?  I can numb out so often when I'm overwhelmed and so basically I've learned that in this state we need to MOVE and embrace some discomfort. Here are some ways to help you. I have put *** next to the ones I use.
  1. Singing*** I love this one as it helps me feel good and is great breathing practice
  2. Cold water to the face***! This is something I use a lot and can be combined well with...
  3. Brushing teeth and flossing - refreshing and you’re using bilateral stimulation and dropping the jaw - this is a very primal way of reducing stress.
  4. Cold shower/swim  - Pain is your friend here - Declare it "I love this!" Or if no access to the bathroom...
  5. Just do some fast and deep breathing (Wim Hoff) otherwise known as Fire Breath
  6. Admit what's up*** and use challenging, motivational words "Let's Go! Bring it on! Yeah! Fuck this!"  See my FLOW tool... I use this a lot! 
  7. Stand up, Shake it out, with sound - Stretch and make sound, like an animal, or even better
  8. Dance to music***, with sound
  9. Go for a fast walk or jog***, in the fresh air - make it have a determined energy
  10. Climb a tree***. do some press ups, pound your chest
  11. Tense the whole body and relax (Progressive Muscle Relaxation)
  12. Watch some fun, irreverent comedy *** (the danger for me is that this one can lead to procrastination an YouTube addiction!)
  13. Rage to heavy music - scream swear words into a cushion or shout in the car
  14. Have a vigorous workout*** - with sound - punch the fists
  15. Do some intense or dynamic yoga*** (Vinyasa/Ashtanga)
  16. Lie Down and move head from side to side: Recalibration exercise using neck/eyes
  17. Bilateral Stimulation With Eyes - EMDR - Follow your finger with your eyes all around, left right, rolling around, then back and forth, ending with your eyes up. Studies on Trauma patients show that this side-to-side movement neutralizes the initial traumatic event, gets it unstuck, and can create immediate relief from PTSD. I personally think its more appropriate in a therapeutic 1:1 setting. 
Don't: 
  • Believe the inner critics judgements or helpless predictions - question them/alow them
  • Get lost in distracting phone/ media - throw the phone away
  • Sit and stare blankly at walls/ceiling - move, music, shake, now!
  • Stay stuck indoors/in bed/on seat - go out!
  • Browse the internet becoming lost in rabbit holes - get off it!
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Activating with a swim

Shifting from Activated Monkey State (Fight/Flight / Hyperarousal)

Once activated you may wish to crack on with work - great. Ideally we want to bring moderation to our action, not just use work to become another distraction from dealing with our internal state of stress. For people who are manic or workaholics this is particularly important (I can be like this). It is best to induce a state of calm learning so we can have an open mind as we move through our day. Calming things might include (*** = I use them):
  1. Humming! ***I love it! Slows things down and is peaceful. 
  2. Deep slow belly breaths***, Slow, controlled out breaths, with gaps
  3. Admit what your mind is thinking and say '...and that's ok... fuck it... no worries' (Journaling is good for this) Again this is FLOW
  4. Self Tapping (EFT Technique) with self loving words -  Tapping on acupressure points in the body to stimulate those positive brain wave frequencies (delta waves) and activating serotonin and dopamine. 
  5. Meditation or napping - use comforting, positive words "It's OK, I'm OK. Ahhhh...."
  6. Go for a SLOW, mindful walk - Stop, Look around, Observe something, Walk On. 
  7. Gentle stretch (Yin Yoga / Yoga Nedra / Alexander Technique)
  8. Read a book, to chilled music 
  9. Bath, candles, self massage/pamper
  10. Watch a feel good movie, or one that matches mood (not action)
  11. Havening: basically hugging and rubbing yourself  - There are nerve endings right under the surface of your skin cells on the upper body. When you apply pressure there, it creates delta waves in the brain (the same brain waves during deep REM sleep) and it slows the beta wave pattern down. That’s why hugs are so important! Give yourself one, or give someone else a hug who needs it as well.

Don't: 
  • Get lost in 101 tasks - focus on one at a time
  • Allow business to overtake you and stop you caring for your body and relationships - find balance
  • Allow confusion to get you stuck between fight/flight - wrtite down what you are intending to do and be realisitic
  • Browse the internet becoming lost in rabbit holes - get off the internet now!
The internet and information bombardment often sends us back down into a state of overwhelm and we find ourselves immobile, frozen and numb again. I often have to jump up, put music on and shake it off before settling again. 
Picture
De-activating with rest and tea and stroking the dog

Pro-active practices - prepare!

So we can be ready for this by developing our neuroception and building healthy habits into our lives. These are what I recommend:
  1. Daily connection practice: meditation, yoga, and recalibration - I do about 20 minutes every morning 
  2. Walking outside - get sunshine and fresh air daily, even if its just 10 minutes
  3. Cold water exposure - choose a discomfort that works your vascular system
  4. Exercise daily - even if it's only 20 minutes. Get your heartrate up and move the body! 
  5. Sleep well - try and get a minimum of 7 hrs.
  6. Eat real food, not too much - I try and eat less processed food and finish when I'm 80% full
  7. Practice regular standing up from desk - I use Pomodoro technique to help me 
If you'd like help with this come on a group course in Emotional Resilience or work with me 1:1. ​

But wait...are there four zones?
I found this and realised the  yellow zone is very familiar...
​https://www.pontelandprimary.co.uk/mental-health-wellbeing/zones-of-regulation/
​
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Being good enough - letting go of 'exceptional'.

8/11/2021

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Since lockdown in 2021 I notice a gradual ebbing away of my confidence in myself. Self doubt has been nipping at my heels. I've been doing all sorts to try and get rid of it. I recognise it as my old friend 'IMPOSTER SYNDROME'. This part of me tries to protect me from failure and humiliation by forming the believe that I'm not good enough. 
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Do you have a part of you that does this too? 

I trust I am not alone. It's part of the human condition and it's exacerbated by the modern culture. I've been re=reading Mark Manson's masterpiece 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F***'  to try and remind me of some things. I'm only up to page 70 and already I'm reminded of a basic thing that culture does: 

 "All day, every day, we are flooded with the truly extraordinary. The best of the best and the worst of the worst. The greatest physical feats. The funniest jokes. The most upsetting news. The scariest threats. Nonstop".  - Mark Manson

Mark reminds me that in this odd culture of bombardment 'exceptional' is considered normal and to be average is to fail. He reminds me that in our desire and need to be special and exceptional we will try and be at one end of the bell curve - to be exceptionally successful or believe we are exceptionally bad. This polarising ignores the need for balance, across multiple disciplines, and the acceptance of being ordinary,.
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The bell curve of life is reality
A few other choice reminders from the book:
  • The mind automatically finds ways to invent problems if it has a lack - this reminds me to practice gratitude and recognition of the privilege and ease of my life
  • Finding something important and meaningful in your life is perhaps the most productive use of your time and energy - this remind me to refresh my purpose and manifesto and look at what training I would like to do next. 
  • The backwards law reminds me that the desire for more positive experiences is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experiences is itself a positive experience. 
  • As my friend Cedar says - nothing is wrong - nothing is wrong with me, or with you, even though the mind constantly tries to use comparison, control and craving to convince you there is something wrong. Of course the caveat to that is that you can still make mistakes - but don't condemn them as wrong. 
  • The capitalist society wants us to give a f*** about everything that is unimportant, including other people's opinions of us. This worry makes them money! So F*** this. The subtle art of not giving a f*** is about caring less about trivia and focusing ones attention on what truly matters.
  • F*** our feelings. We cannot let them 'drive the bus'.  love the phrase ''I feel like shit today, but who gives a f***?" and then I can magically stop hating myself for feeling bad and just crack on. 
​
This is just one of the ways that helps me to overcome the imposter syndrome. What about you? What helps you remember what is important, what is real and what to give less f***s about?

If you'd like help figuring that out hire me to coach you. First session is free! 
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    Neil Morbey is a meditation teacher, group facilitator and inspiration guide for Positively-Mindful.com

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    Blog Index
    1. Why I’m done with the 'cult of self improvement' and Goenka's rigid Vipassana
    2. EMDR and AIP models for trauma therapy
    3. ​Mistakes are opportunities to learn, grow and connect
    4. ​Broken Leg, Broken Bank? Here’s How to Keep Your Finances Healthy When You’re Not
    5. ​It's Time To Stop Being Ashamed Of Our Mental Health
    6. Mind - Body Health Benefits: How mindfulness connects it al
    7. My hypothesis of why I have ADHD and how I am improving it
    8. Practical Steps for Finding Peace After Loss
    9. FOMO to JOMO: The Joy of Now 10/09/2024
    10. Mentoring-teaching-what-to-think-as-well-as-how-to-think 15/8/24
    11. Putting Intersectionality into daily practice  27/05/24
    12. Self-Care is not a job, it's awesome, fun and wonderful!  10/04/202
    13. How Active Rest Refreshes Us 05/04/2024
    14. Voicing Vulnerability awaken-the-adult-state  05/03/2024
    15. How To Do A Daily Check-In And Intention Setting 27/11/23
    16. Fuel inspiration by pondering the beginning of all life 23/7/23
    17. The Gentle Village - A place to talk about relationships ​3/3/23
    18. Imagine if... you loved healthy habits ​24/12/22
    19. Philosophy is BS 7/11/22
    20. 3 Powerful Journalling Tools To Process Troubling Thoughts 27/9/22
    21. SAFER communication to help in emotional conversations 2/9/22
    22. Re-Schooling Ourselves: Refreshing Our Narratives 25/8/22
    23. Grounding: Stabilize your Wobbles 22/7/22
    24. How to appreciate your struggle 10/3/2022
    25. Allowing Ourselves To Rest 2/2/2022
    26. Committing To Your Deep Truth: Your Mission 19/1/2022
    27. The Attention Wars - Know Your Enemies! 24/11/2021
    28. Practices To Improve Polyvagal Tone 12/11/2021
    29. Being good enough - letting go of 'exceptional'. 8/11/2021
    30. Reschooling and Reparenting - Heal and Train Yourself (Like a Kitten) 26/10/2021
    31. Compare and Despair? Remember Now is Wow! 12/10/2021
    32. Using Self Awareness to Overcome Negative Emotions and Heal Your Trauma Patterns 5/10/2021
    33. How to find true love using meditation 28/9/2021
    34. 7 Steps To Establish a New Habit 20/9/2021
    35. Understanding the Main Styles of Counseling 21/5/2021
    36. When to listen to your gut: The power of intuition and instinct 1/3/2021
    37. Breaking the Lockdown Blues 4/2/2021
    38. Trying to Change a Habit? Forget Dopamine Fasting, Take a Holiday! 20/11/2020
    39. How To Liberate Yourself From Wounded Patterns 3/11/2020
    40. Overstimulation - The reason you struggle to focus 16/9/2020
    41. Reminding myself everyday: The MORNING routine 12/9/2020
    42. How to STOP reacting to anxiety 11/5/2020
    43. Creating a Meditation Space for Your Home - Top Ten Tips 5/3/2020
    44. Top 5 things the children loved about Mindfulness classes 9/12/2019
    45. What I learned from my week of being perfectly imperfect, ME 27/11/2019
    46. 5 things I learned from a retreat for fools 5/11/2019
    47. How To Meditate - An Example Practice (Body Scan) 25/9/2019
    48. How mindfulness can help you to enjoy the journey. 31/7/2019
    49. Has Mindfulness sold out and become McMindfulness? 24/6/2019
    50. How Nature Can Enrich Your Mindfulness Practice 19/6/2019
    51. Radical Coaching: Shadowing 25/4/2019
    52. Timed Talk & Listen - a tool to practice in relationship. 22/3/2019
    53. 5 Things SOME People Regret On Their Deathbed 6/3/2019
    54. Mindfulness at work: more ways to create balance, focus and clarity. 25/1/2019
    55. Everything you need to know about meditation posture and structure. 19/12/2018
    56. Mindfulness Coaching - is it for you? 23/10/2018
    57. Happiness: How Do We Find The Balance? 19/9/2018
    58. The Work of Ghostbusting: Meet the mind with kind inquiry 25/1/2018
    59. Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
    60. Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
    61. Removing Drama Is As Easy As A-B-C! (Part 2 - Spot the signals, name the role.)  24/10/2017
    62. Using Mindfulness to Sleep Better 7/9/2017
    63. 3 Ways you can help your workplace become more mindful. 16/8/2017
    64. Top 5 things the children loved about Mindfulness classes 9/12/2019
    65. What I learned from my week of being perfectly imperfect, ME 27/11/2019
    66. 5 things I learned from a retreat for fools 5/11/2019
    67. How To Meditate - An Example Practice (Body Scan) 25/9/2019
    68. How mindfulness can help you to enjoy the journey. 31/7/2019
    69. Has Mindfulness sold out and become McMindfulness? 24/6/2019
    70. How Nature Can Enrich Your Mindfulness Practice 19/6/2019
    71. Radical Coaching: Shadowing 25/4/2019
    72. Timed Talk & Listen - a tool to practice in relationship. 22/3/2019
    73. 5 Things SOME People Regret On Their Deathbed 6/3/2019
    74. Mindfulness at work: more ways to create balance, focus and clarity. 25/1/2019
    75. Everything you need to know about meditation posture and structure. 19/12/2018
    76. Mindfulness Coaching - is it for you? 23/10/2018
    77. Happiness: How Do We Find The Balance? 19/9/2018
    78. The Work of Ghostbusting: Meet the mind with kind inquiry 25/1/2018
    79. Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
    80. Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
    81. Removing Drama Is As Easy As A-B-C! (Part 2 - Spot the signals, name the role.)  24/10/2017
    82. Using Mindfulness to Sleep Better 7/9/2017
    83. 3 Ways you can help your workplace become more mindful. 16/8/2017
    84. How to overcome psychological abuse, mindfully 21/7/2017
    85. Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish 23/6/2017
    86. 3 Steps to returning to your nature 10/6/2017
    87. The words you speak become the house you live in 29/5/2017
    88. Low Energy? Listen to your needs. 12/5/2017
    89. How to stay inspired (not impotent by importance). 29/4/2017
    90. What is Spirituality? (And how does it relate to thinking?) 14/4/2017
    91. Breath Works: practices to program BOLD focus. 23/3/2017
    92. Procrastination part 3: TURNING THE SHIP AROUND 10/2/2017
    93. Loosen your TIES to suffering 20/1/2017
    94. Understanding Procrastination Part 2: Just do it now. 15/12/2016
    95. What happens in a 1 hour mindfulness class? 23/11/2016
    96. Transforming Hatred with Kindness - Storytime! 1/11/2016
    97. When Feedback hurts - Own your Shit - Take a SEAT 4/10/2016
    98. No pain, no gain? 22/7/2016
    99. Life is like an echo... echooo... echooooo.... 8/6/2016
    100. Etymology and Mindfulness of Language 13/5/2016
    101. An Awesome or Choresome Life? 24/4/2016
    102. Mindfulness for Young People? 8/4/2016
    103. Explore the depths of your ocean. 29/3/2016
    104. Let Go and Be - escape the Drama triangle! 22/3/2016
    105. THE IMPORTANCE OF FEEDBACK 2/3/2016
    106. Don't Mindfill 22/2/2016
    107. Love is messy, scary, risky... Love and need? 9/2/2016
    108. Awareness of the road! 30/1/2016
    109. Dealing with the emotional drop 12/1/2016
    110. Tools for patience in meditation and in life. 6/1/2016
    111. Useful language and tools for creating healthy discussion 12/12/2015
    112. Craving the crux: 10 lessons learned from my rock climbing addiction 9/12/2015
    113. PLAYFULNESS AND PRESENCE: TEDX BELFAST 2015  30/11/2015
    114. Orestes, The Furies and The Eumenides (Kindly ones). A story of vengeance, guilt and forgiveness 5/11/2015
    115. Learning barefoot: feeling more 26/10/2015
    116. Musings on Choice and Obligation 20/10/2015
    117. What is enlightenment and what's the process of getting there? 10/9/2015
    118. What is Mindfulness and Why Practice? 3/9/2015
    119. ​​My Vipassana Retreat Experience 9/7/2015

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