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Blog! Seize the day, then let it go 

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Radical Honesty and Non-Violent Communication

19/10/2016

8 Comments

 

Having recently been trained in Radical Honesty and Non-Violent Communication I wanted to look at how they stack up.

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This weekend I was trained by Tullia Syvanen in a workshop about Radical Honesty - a concept conceived in the USA by Dr Brad Blanton,which I will try and sum up here, whilst also giving my personal experiences, in the hope of passing on knowledge and inspiration.

WHAT IS IT?
​

RH is a language tool which encourages us to communicate directly and stop lying,. The website says the aim is “to gain freedom from the jail of your mind and then get over shit and be happy, developing more true and intimate relationships.”

My interpretation: It seems to me to be a way of processing one's emotions aloud, and in the doing  of that one can cultivate extreme ownership of one's choices of attention, imagination, language and actions - one is invited to drop the story and to express present emotion, especially anger, directly to the person ones is feeling angry with, whilst relating it to real (not imagined) actions, words or things. 

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson
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HOW DOES RADICAL HONESTY WORK?

The theory is that people usually avoid being angry at someone else for
years, holding it in the body and mind as resentment. This pent up energy weakens connections and takes a toll on the body, weighing us down and creating disease. The theory goes that if people actually allowed themselves to get angry at them, they’d probably get over it in half an hour, especially if people are trained to work with their emotions, rather than suppress them. Therefore anger is one of the primary emotions explored within RH.


he process is described more fully below. First, there are some simple, but very unusual language tools within that which are intended to clean up the language so that we can clean up the mind, to expose our projections. These language tools are:

  1. Express your anger or emotion like this: “I resent you (or other emotion) for (action/words)”. The first step encourages us to get shit off our chest by expressing it, directly, and then staying with the person until it is dealt with. Expressing of the emotion is a form of true acceptance (the proof is in the pudding), even though it is hard. The language is specifically crafted here to make it personal, because our emotions often are personal - a primary reaction of blame - reacting, initially, to concrete actions or words. Eg. I’m angry at you for saying “you’re wrong”. This is, for me, a concerning approach, because it can be quite aggressive and reactive. The RH process encourages one to put  energy into the voice (like shout!) and this activates sensations in the body.
  2. Feel your sensations, stay with them. This is, for me, the most important step - the feeling of the sensations. Give this extra time and realise that they may be uncomfortable, but you are okay. No one is dying. It is just emotion; information from the body that something inside you (a belief or expectation) is being challenged by this situation. We are encouraged to notice sensations and even say them aloud (in the workshop). This can hint at the true emotion (as I talked about in my blog about taking a SEAT).  We follow this up with the next level of ownership:
  3. Express and own the emotion. “I make myself (emotion) when I imagine (judgement/ imagined situation).” Owning that you are making yourself angry, sad, fearful and joyful via the thinking and story you’ve concocted (usually subconsciously) has an immense power. It allows us to see the story. Even if we are still attached to the story we have now got to the core truth of what we are emoting about. Eg. “I make myself sad when I imagine you don’t care.” Part of this is the tool of using an ‘I’ instead of ‘it’. This is about recognising all the hidden parts of yourself - the parts that are keeping you scared, partly as a protection from the imagined future. Then we can choose to:
  4. Ask for what you want. “Are you willing to tell me (if whatever you imagined is true).” By checking out the imagined judgement or situation we get some real feedback. Most of the time it isn’t even happening. Eg. “Do you care about me? Can you tell me what you think of me?” This can be hard, but allows us to actually handle something tangible, rather than a fictional idea.
  5. Let genuine appreciation flow: “I appreciate you for (concrete action/words).” The next step is to notice if any appreciation is coming up. Expressing it in a way that filters out interpretation and is aimed directly at observed words/actions. Eg.” I appreciate you for the way you smile” NOT "I appreciate your beautiful smile.”. Because beautiful is a label. A label is an interpretation.  

Other tools include:

  1. Replacing the word ‘But’ with ‘And’. For example: “I like you and I want some space right now.” It paints a more realistic picture of a human being, that isn’t binary, by not negating one statement with another, but allowing two seemingly opposing statements to co-exist. This reminds us that we are complex beings and that we are making conscious choices. A ‘But’ would negate the sentence before it, eg. “I like you but I want some space”.
  2. Drop the story: the ‘because/why games’: So often we want to explain our point of view and this is usually a defence. We defend anytime someone has an emotional reaction to something we did or said. The RH process is largely about being ok with emotions and not bringing in any bullshit story, which just feeds the insecurities - story can just end up perpetuating subtle lies, projections and protection of a fragile ego. Eg. “I am angry at you for the amount of time you spent talking, because I’m so sick that people never listen!”
  3. Don’t expect anyone to live up to expectations. ‘Shoulds’ are sadistic. We try to eliminate shoulds and expectations - each day would end with an affirmation that you/I/we are not here to live up to your/my/our expectations, but to connect beautifully and imperfectly! ​

The theory is that with time and direct, truthful expression of difficult emotions and judgements, then appreciation we can trust more in ourselves and each other. It is important to be willing to give the process some time. By talking about these things more often they can become more commonplace and perhaps we can show each other our genuine emotions, so that we can process them more quickly and openly. We learn not to take any of this this personally.  When we focus  on facts, rather than interpretations and beliefs we can see that we have all living on an imagined fear. In fact the very word belief holds the word ‘lie’ right  in the middle of it! if we relax our story and beliefs for a moment, concentrate on facts then we can have ‘real’ and intimate connections, easily and beautifully.  Apparently it is a lot easier and less destructive than it might seem. 

“It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.”  Noël Coward
MY EXPERIENCE
​

So this was a 2.5 day workshop and the start was messy! The facilitator immediately got us to explore any unexpressed resentments about our lives and then to each other. There was shouting and lots of projection (blame). I was feeling confused at what was going on but on Saturday, after introductions, Tuulia introduced some of the language rules, concepts and we all committed to:
  • Tell the truth (including not withholding)
  • Ask for what we want (regardless of the worry)
  • Bee present with our feelings and emotions
  • Take more than give (We are encouraged to be selfish, not moralistic - ie. driven by what we want, rather than what we think we should be).
  • ​There were a few more, not listed.
​
We then continued talking, and reacting at each other’s stories. We would confront one another with long silences as we felt into our sensations and emotions. I was often confused and uncomfortable, but then I realised it was my imagination causing that - I was imagining people thinking I was stupid, arrogant or (fill in the blank). It was these thoughts that were fuelling my emotions and reactions. I was having a lot of judgements too and the more I stayed with sensations the more I realised the judgements were ridiculous, and more about my insecurities and I was able to ask people if they were true, without worrying if they would take it personally.

As an example I judged one man in the workshop to be frail, and expressed it (as I was invited to) and we got into a conversation about ageism and that helped me see that I’m attached to the story of being youthful and scared of being a responsible adult, with duties and obligations.  It was heated at first, but quickly turned to appreciation. 

On Sunday I got the chance to take the hot seat. I would be having a conversation with someone in my life with whom I have unfinished business. This is therefore called a ‘Completion Conversation’ but I think of it more as a healing conversation. I spoke with an empty chair - imagining someone in my life (I won’t go into details) and I cried throughout, as I spoke honestly, owning my bitter judgements for about an hour. It was very helpful having a facilitator to keep me on track, away from story and to really feel what was happening. I learned a lot of insights and it helped me to prepare for the REAL conversation - which I’ve committed to complete before Christmas.

This was an intense workshop and it also included a lot of love and appreciation. One of the exercises included a 5 minute discussion of everything we liked about ourselves, to which we all agreed to post a video of on Facebook! Mine is at the bottom. It is part of dropping the shame and opening up to truth. ​
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“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.”  ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
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BALANCING IT WITH NON VIOLENT COMMUNICATION
​
Non Violent Communication is something I use in my life - it is sometimes referred to as compassionate communication and the aim is to communicate in a way that makes natural giving possible - through the use of empathy, to yourself and to another. I trained in NVC a year ago.

NVC is about connecting from the heart, with empathy and from a place of compassion. The creators of RH don’t seem to like NVC - the two communication styles have similarities, but very different approaches. RH seems to be about expressing angry truth and getting it off your chest so that other emotions can come in and you can see past your imagined bullshit.

NVC invites you to process things inside yourself first, whilst maintaining ‘heart connection’ with another, never seeking to blame, diagnose or demand change. RH might call this passive aggressive, but my experience is different.   NVC  has the potential to negotiate conflict and create a lot of love, and I would also agree that there is an inbuilt weakness - that the structure of NVC diminishes the ability to express emotion in raw form. Expressing raw emotions can bring a deep acceptance and truth to relationships.

Here are the two models, or my interpretations of them, side by side:

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NON VIOLENT COMMUNICATION
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RADICAL HONESTY
PictureWhen you want to be close, honesty pays, and so does sensetivity
Also, here is how I see them fitting into my idea of the Drama Vs Presence Triangles of transactional analysis:
  • RH is very much a challenging style of communication and
  • NVC is more of a nurturing/coaching style
You can bring both roles into your communication style. RH can seem blunt, at first, but once the air has been cleared it builds connection. In that way there is a much greater burden on the listener in relieving a RH style conversation. NVC has less of the "clearing the air", but might also seem less effective when working with lots of history within relationships, but the NVC communicator takes much of the burden by acting as a nurturing coach, at times (Thanks to Greg for this insight).

INTIMATE VS GENERAL RELATIONSHIPS

Authentic expression is best used on the dancefloor and in intimate relationships.
Kind, open, empathetic and positive expression can be used everywhere - in our general life.


Taking the best elements of both styles, I think that using empathy and sensitivity (when we have capacity) will allow us to choose the appropriate style, but when we don’t have capacity, but we want to take time to create honest relationships I think the skills of RH can be invaluable.  They can provide catharsis and truth, as well as the ability to re-align your imagination and expectations.

In summary I believe RH is designed to bring an element of authenticity to intimate relationships but is not so well suited to general ones, whereas NVC is actually about connecting generally from a kind hearted place. Both are self awareness tools that can empower us.

CONCLUSIONS

Ultimately I want to be an artist and I want to have ‘real’ relationships and drop facades, so I see a lot of value in RH, especially within intimate relationships. Relaxing my moralism (expectations beliefs and shoulds) also helps me to relax my anxiety, helps me to be ok with making mistakes and to get over them, even if that triggers emotions in some people. The point is to stop being a perfectionist and suppressing everything in the process. Balancing it with a mindful approach allows us to choose what to express (and therefore release) and what to internally process. As Brene Brown describes, we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and at times that means processing stuff aloud, together with others - to be seen as imperfect and beautiful. RH is one such process, but perhaps somewhat of an aggressive one. Maybe in the balance we can all learn to get over shit and be happy, even if that means we have to piss each other off a bit in the process. I'm still working out how I use these tools.

What do you think? Please let me know your thoughts from this blog or your experiences with balancing honesty and empathy. How can we sensitive, kind and truthful? ​

PS... I committed to doing this in the workshop - so I thought I'd do it in my PJs, no grooming and just the brutal, honest, shabby me (this is an example of my story/excuses by the way!) : 

8 Comments

When Feedback hurts - Own your Shit - Take a SEAT

4/10/2016

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Do you struggle to deal with criticism or unsolicited feedback?  Do you want to react skilfully? Do you want to find a balance in needing things to change and letting go? Read on...

There are always at least two ways of response to negative feedback and I’m going to refer to one as Skilled and the other as Unskilled. 
Feedback is essential for negotiating life and social relations - much of our growth and development depends on interactions and other experiences that feel 'bad'. Feedback has a role in nearly every area of human endeavor, as well as every other system. Criticism is simply one type of feedback. 

A while ago I wrote on the ‘Importance of Feedback", focusing on ‘positive reinforcement’. Yet this morning I woke up feeling heavy with the weight of negativity. I’ve had so much feedback recently from heady debates, in real life and on Facebook, around controversial subjects. Some people tell me that they love what I do and other people aggressively express that they think I’m ‘being irresponsible’ or even ‘damaging’ at times  - which I felt hurt and shocked by. I realised I was taking a lot of this feedback personally, which is very heavy and tiring. My reactions were causing my own fatigue!

PictureControl and Blame - old friends
This post is about how to address that, skilfully -  in a way that creates a win-win, less stress and more positive, long-lasting action and inner peace. 

Unskilled

​I'm going to talk in i-statements - in my own perspective to make this point. After some heavy criticism my reactive mind, left unchecked, will start to attach a lot of meaning to the situation and resulting sensations (which my mind interprets as ‘worry’). I may begin to ‘catastrophize’ and strategize to protect myself (or others). When this happens from a panicky place, or where emotions are high I get the sense that things need to change, now! Thus starts a cycle - I project blame onto them and then they fire it back at me and I feel shame. We can play this game until we separate from one another. This can be people, systems, behaviour etc, but in each case I label the problem as external. Something else needs to change for me to be ok. 

Sometimes we cannot help be a bit unskilled. If we are convinced that we 'need' to protect or control then we 'must' follow those impulses. It takes time to see the facts and weigh those up with out intuition, experience and skills of judgement. I believe the first of these skills is self awareness, because this builds our  ‘capacity to respond from calm’. We might even realise one of  the other conditions may be hampering our judgement: 
  • Am not functioning normally - have I had rest, food , water etc?
  • Am I busy and short of time?
  • Am I am doing something new, complex or hard?
  • Am I overly invested everything on the outcome?
  • Do I feel threatened?
  • Am I believing them?

Neuroscience research suggests that when we are in a negative place emotionally we are in comparatively more physical pain that when we are feeling positive. So what can we do?


Skilled

By breathing and sitting with these reactions (sensations), watching the thoughts and taking a moment, then I can see that this reaction is disproportionate. I look deeper and see the source. This takes some extra time, so the first thing we can do is slow down. 


If it isn't physical then it is in the mind - in memory - somewhere within me there is a wounded, childlike and fragile Neil, who needs to feel safe. If I am skilled I will use the gas-mask analogy and; attend to this first and then deal with the feedback after. I will take my time. This blog will explore a few ways to do this.  

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The gas-mask analogy
“I’ve had a lot of trouble in my life—most of which never happened.” - Mark Twain
​See the Story, with perspective

​If we want to overcome this cycle of thoughts-feelings-blame-shame we must find a way to take a step back from our minds. I like to use the analogy of a theatre or cinema. Most of the time we imagine ourselves in the play - as though it is real - and if is a horror, tragedy or some unjust courtroom drama - and that can be very painful.  We undertake a role in the drama , which I wrote about here.

The truth is this is all imagined - it is a projection - like at the cinema. ‘Perspective’ can be gained by imagining we are in the theatre, watching it unfold. We can choose to step out of the play for a moment and take a SEAT - in the front (where the image is hard to ignore), the middle (where we are absorbed in the plot, but are able to see it isn’t everything) or right at the back (where we can easily take our attention to something else, or even close our eyes and have a nap!)

We then see the fantas
y. Often, when we look differently we might see that a
t the heart of our loathing of criticism is the 'fear' of exclusion or loss of connection. Yet our reactions of blame are actually separating us further!
​
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Perspective changes the projection
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What do you see here? Look again, differently.
PictureFind a SEAT of your choosing
Choose your SEAT

​I use this acronym to help me remember what to look for, in myself: 
  • Sensations,
  • Emotions,
  • Actions  
  • Thoughts.
Teasing them apart like that, I can easily recognise that one fuels the other - this is the thoughts-feelings-blame-shame cycle. Things happen so fast that the first thing we are aware of is usually the emotion (like shame). Sometimes we are exchanging harsh words before we even realise what we are saying - impulsively reacting from this place of fear. That’s because we identify as the persona (and this is all happening TO us - directed from somewhere else). If we step back we have more time and a sense of safety - we can even enjoy the process of feeling these exciting emotions! We can then choose if we want to be a spectator, a critic or a player in our lives. But we can actually be all three by being 'the director'. 

Get comfortable with they movie, watch how the story changes. Then you can practice directing, with skill.
 

I use this practice sometimes as part of a ‘Stoic’ style of meditation. When I start to notice feelings in my body associated with a catastrophic imagined future, I take my mind into the theatre - I sit at the back, watch and then direct.I watch it on repeat and get used to the discomfort. I start to realise it isn’t real, it’s actually quite far-fetched. I can even laugh a bit! It’s a farce! In the rehearsal of the play I see I can change the genre, simply by changing my attitude, then my words and actions. I can skilfully shape the play. 

Sit back, in the body

In meditation we place the mind (attention) into the body. In this way we can 'inhabit' a part  of the body. By placing the mind at the back of the body and watch events in your life unfold, from that place, then you can gain real perspective - you can see the body react, as you live. Hence, you can become the director of your own life. See how the body lights up when you receive feedback - vision, touch, words etc. When you receive ‘harsh’ words, criticism, judgement, diagnosis or demands it can become an 'interesting experience,' rather than a 'gritty and hurtful drama'. You can even being to see some truth or useful lessons in the feedback.  From this place we are able to talk more calmly,  if we want to, and that is the point - to recognise that  we have more choice in our responses.

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“Worry pretends to be necessary ” - Eckhart Tolle
PictureRead about Jamie's emotional poo theory
We all worry, but it is dwelling in that worry that allows the mind to create catastrophic fantasy, creating a 'feeling of need'.  So we seek to interrupt that process in mindfulness, using loving awareness. Sometimes though our instinctive patterns of feelings/reactions may be stuck deep in the habitual mind-body - even since childhood. This can 'lock up' our beliefs unconsciously in the mind and prevent us from accessing other perspectives.

Using memory to calm reactivity and access the theatre

We can be triggered, emotionally, by similar situations, movements or words that remind us of a traumatic memory.  In order to start the healing process we must first connect to a feeling of safety, support, unconditional love. This sooths and calms the mind-body allowing us to respond. This can often be a challenging part of my work - helping people to connect to that feeling, particularly if they haven’t had many or any of those experiences, or have difficulty in accessing memory. I use touch/rhythm practice like EFT, dance or EMDR to help soothe the mind and help people access a feeling of safety. Other times dance, movement or Yoga can be helpful. Once we connect with that 'feeling' we can use the imagination in a more useful and positive way. If you notice strong emotional trauma in your reactions, to the point where they are involuntary and damaging, it may be helpful to explore your past with a counsellor in CBT, psychotherapy or other therapies that explore the mind. Or simply explore movement and meditation on your own.


Take an emotional Poo!

In each moment internal sensations are happening, as part of the emotional system, working away. Our mind sometimes labels them as 'negative' or 'positive' - and then attaches meaning and story to them. Jamie Catto talks about how we can see a different perspective to allow them to flow, without attaching anxious story and meaning: 


“I believe that our genius body/mind system, or Life itself, is daily sending us difficult and challenging situations and people DELIBERATELY to trigger the body into releasing that stuck emotion….difficult people (in our lives) are like WALKING LAXATIVES! It may sound radical but it's true. When someone upsets us we experience a totally disproportionate reaction. We feel the pain of everyone who ever treated us that way back to our childhood. This is the body's genius finding ways to self-clean, self-mend all that accumulation.”

"A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still" - Dale Carnegie
PictureAn eye for an eye makes the whole infantry blind! Become a peacemaker!
​If we force change (or poo) we force ourselves or other people to suppress feelings, actions and thoughts - and that will only cause them to hold resentment (even if they do actually change). That resentment will emerge later (when they shit all over you or others). 

Some claim that  anger, aggression and violence are necessary for change. My belief is that if we force things to change (at the pace we fantasise  is necessary to stave off catastrophe) then we will only suppress the problem deeper down and give ourselves a hernia in the process! Aggression breeds aggression - every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Therefore if you catch yourself saying “I need to sort this out… now” or “we should be better at xyz…” recognise that the language is based on fear, and that fear is fuelling the fantasy, the force and perpetuates damage. In the short term it may create change - you might shed some problems - it may give you short-lived motivation, but beware dwelling in that anger and the results it will create.  Can we instead be with the process and pace and see what  is useful in this for me, now? Can we be the source for calm?  Sometimes we have to sit on that toilet SEAT for a while and position your attitude in readiness for the flow! 

“It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.” - Alfred Adler
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Reacting from an imagination of doom can create a hell on earth
Decide from a place of calm

Individually we can decide on the world we want. If we want a world where people treat each other well we have to ‘be that change’. Treat others as you wish to be treated; If you want people to listen, try listening - first to yourself and then to others. That is owning your shit. 
Every time you receive feedback that hurts, stop and take a moment to recognise your situation, because caring for your emotional resiliency can help. Be quiet and sit in the theatre of your mind-body, and listen  - that is taking a SEAT.

​
It can be challenging, so take your time, be gentle. If you are giving feedback, be honest and sensitive, and 
expect some defensiveness as a first response to criticism; a change in performance or attitude may come later. I
think it is worth the effort, even if you only achieve some connection - if that is what you want. Thinking about what you want may be a useful starting point - then focusing on the intention with non-attachment will allow it to flow. Personally I want a connection and flow which feels ‘fun, loving, honest and easy,’ so I try to be that. I can only be that to myself first, and then to others (like the oxygen-mask-on-an-airplane analogy). 

Whether I am conscious of it or not I AM being the change that I will start to see in the world, We all are. Choose the genre you would rather be watching and playing in, sit back and enjoy. You can direct far better with some perspective.

Id you want more about TAKING A SEAT and how it can LOOSEN YOUR TIES TO SUFFERING read on!

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Some references:
  • http://www.lifecoach-directory.org.uk/lifecoach-articles/when-feedback-hurts
  • https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201103/how-take-feedback
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    Authors

    Neil Morbey is a meditation teacher, group facilitator and inspiration guide for Positively-Mindful.com

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    69. Breath Works: practices to program BOLD focus. 23/3/2017
    70. Procrastination part 3: TURNING THE SHIP AROUND 10/2/2017
    71. Loosen your TIES to suffering 20/1/2017
    72. Understanding Procrastination Part 2: Just do it now. 15/12/2016
    73. What happens in a 1 hour mindfulness class? 23/11/2016
    74. Transforming Hatred with Kindness - Storytime! 1/11/2016
    75. When Feedback hurts - Own your Shit - Take a SEAT 4/10/2016
    76. No pain, no gain? 22/7/2016
    77. Life is like an echo... echooo... echooooo.... 8/6/2016
    78. Etymology and Mindfulness of Language 13/5/2016
    79. An Awesome or Choresome Life? 24/4/2016
    80. Mindfulness for Young People? 8/4/2016
    81. Explore the depths of your ocean. 29/3/2016
    82. Let Go and Be - escape the Drama triangle! 22/3/2016
    83. THE IMPORTANCE OF FEEDBACK 2/3/2016
    84. Don't Mindfill 22/2/2016
    85. Love is messy, scary, risky... Love and need? 9/2/2016
    86. Awareness of the road! 30/1/2016
    87. Dealing with the emotional drop 12/1/2016
    88. Tools for patience in meditation and in life. 6/1/2016
    89. Useful language and tools for creating healthy discussion 12/12/2015
    90. Craving the crux: 10 lessons learned from my rock climbing addiction 9/12/2015
    91. PLAYFULNESS AND PRESENCE: TEDX BELFAST 2015  30/11/2015
    92. Orestes, The Furies and The Eumenides (Kindly ones). A story of vengeance, guilt and forgiveness 5/11/2015
    93. Learning barefoot: feeling more 26/10/2015
    94. Musings on Choice and Obligation 20/10/2015
    95. What is enlightenment and what's the process of getting there? 10/9/2015
    96. What is Mindfulness and Why Practice? 3/9/2015
    97. ​​My Vipassana Retreat Experience 9/7/2015

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