How to STOP reacting to anxiety

If you’re anything like me, you have worries. You worry about your health, your finances, about the way the world is and, of course, about how much you worry! I've managed to find  a way to reduce my worries, using a tool we call: The STOP technique. This blog will tell you all about it and help you to try and relax your anxieties. 

THE  LOGIC BEHIND THE STOP TECHNIQUE 
This version is an excerpt of the full STOP technique that we teach in our 6 week course.  Both Mark and I have adapted it over the years, experimenting with the best wording.  Regardless of the prompts, there are four main stages or 'principles' that we are trying to cultivate in our relationship with life:

1. Awareness: We can’t do anything unless we ‘see’ the problem. So we must uncensor our mind to catch STORIES, behaviours and emotional reactions. For me, the most pernicious of all my mental STORIES are of hidden expectations, defined by the word SHOULD. 

1. Acceptance: There is no point just flipping the thought into ‘thinking positive’ if we haven’t taken the time to make peace with yourself and with reality (I'll elaborate on this further down the page). So acknowledge and make a TRUCE with the TRUTH.
2. Analysis: We must slow our thinking down and consider a desired and effective way forward. Only then can we OPEN up and turn a strong emotion and problematic coping strategy into an OPPORTUNITY.
3. Action: These tools are no good without a deliberate act to embed the learning. If we focus on the action rather than the outcome then we will make a more effective PLAN.​

JOURNALING THE STOP TECHNIQUE
Every morning I meditate and connect with my body. Then I journal and see my mind more clearly. I use the STOP technique when I find a stuck emotion, like this:

S: I should…

• ... have created more content today. 
• ... have been less lazy!

T: The truth is… 

• (FEELINGS)  ...I feel worried about it... and that’s OK. 
• (FLAWS)  ...I can be lazy sometimes… and that’s OK.
• (FACTS)  ...I created 5 things today (list tasks) I didn’t do (list tasks). 

O: The opportunities here are: 

• I would like to create more content, because I know I enjoy it and it helps grow my business. 
• I could create more content by…
  • Writing a blog post 
  • Making a video
  • Writing a page of my book

P: I plan to… write a blog and make a video! I’ll do this tomorrow morning at 11am. ​

HOW WE FORMED COPING STRATEGIES
We all have a worldview of belief systems from our past experiences, culture and education. Deep within these are lots of unconscious expectations about how ‘I’ should be and how ‘others’ should be. These result in patterns of behaviour that are designed to help us fit in and survive. We call these ‘coping strategies’. Some coping strategies work well in the modern world. Others create larger problems than the ones they were originally intended to solve. This is because they are leftover from a different phase in life, from a different context, where survival meant using tactics of aggression, avoidance, anesthesia or appeasing others (Fight, Flight, Freeze, Appease). I call these ‘problematic coping strategies’.

MY PROBLEMATIC COPING STRATEGIES
In my case I experienced plenty of bullying at school, from both boys and girls, which led me to believe: 

• “I should stay out of people’s way” 
• “I should hide my emotions” 
• “I should be strong” 
• “I should appear intelligent to others” 

These beliefs pushed me to over exercise at the gym at 14 years old, damaging my spine. They also encouraged me to lie, fake confidence and repress emotions. I became anxious in my relationships and tried to be someone that I wasn’t, resulting in failed relationships and hurt people. This, as it turns out, was part of my learning process, which I can use to help others.

IT TAKES TIME AND PRACTICE
When I first used this tool it was clunky and slow and I got too obsessed with the words, but after some practice I internalised the desire for learning and for inner peace, and prioritized those traits over the need to be right, or impressive, or afraid. I now live life as an adventure, full of curiosity, and with a very simple awareness:

It is not situations that cause us problems, it is our internalised beliefs. If we explore our beliefs we come to realise that all problems are opportunities for growth... If we are willing to dig into them.  ​​