How to STOP reacting to anxiety

If you’re anything like me, you have worries. You worry about your health, your finances, about the way the world is and, of course, about how much you worry! I've managed to find  a way to reduce my worries, using a tool we call: The STOP technique. This blog will tell you all about it and help you to try and relax your anxieties. 

THE  LOGIC BEHIND THE STOP TECHNIQUE 
This version is an excerpt of the full STOP technique that we teach in our 6 week course.  Both Mark and I have adapted it over the years, experimenting with the best wording.  Regardless of the prompts, there are four main stages or 'principles' that we are trying to cultivate in our relationship with life:

1. Awareness: We can’t do anything unless we ‘see’ the problem. So we must uncensor our mind to catch STORIES, behaviours and emotional reactions. For me, the most pernicious of all my mental STORIES are of hidden expectations, defined by the word SHOULD. 

1. Acceptance: There is no point just flipping the thought into ‘thinking positive’ if we haven’t taken the time to make peace with yourself and with reality (I'll elaborate on this further down the page). So acknowledge and make a TRUCE with the TRUTH.
2. Analysis: We must slow our thinking down and consider a desired and effective way forward. Only then can we OPEN up and turn a strong emotion and problematic coping strategy into an OPPORTUNITY.
3. Action: These tools are no good without a deliberate act to embed the learning. If we focus on the action rather than the outcome then we will make a more effective PLAN.​

JOURNALING THE STOP TECHNIQUE
Every morning I meditate and connect with my body. Then I journal and see my mind more clearly. I use the STOP technique when I find a stuck emotion, like this:

S: I should…

• ... have created more content today. 
• ... have been less lazy!

T: The truth is… 

• (FEELINGS)  ...I feel worried about it... and that’s OK. 
• (FLAWS)  ...I can be lazy sometimes… and that’s OK.
• (FACTS)  ...I created 5 things today (list tasks) I didn’t do (list tasks). 

O: The opportunities here are: 

• I would like to create more content, because I know I enjoy it and it helps grow my business. 
• I could create more content by…
  • Writing a blog post 
  • Making a video
  • Writing a page of my book

P: I plan to… write a blog and make a video! I’ll do this tomorrow morning at 11am. ​

HOW WE FORMED COPING STRATEGIES
We all have a worldview of belief systems from our past experiences, culture and education. Deep within these are lots of unconscious expectations about how ‘I’ should be and how ‘others’ should be. These result in patterns of behaviour that are designed to help us fit in and survive. We call these ‘coping strategies’. Some coping strategies work well in the modern world. Others create larger problems than the ones they were originally intended to solve. This is because they are leftover from a different phase in life, from a different context, where survival meant using tactics of aggression, avoidance, anesthesia or appeasing others (Fight, Flight, Freeze, Appease). I call these ‘problematic coping strategies’.

MY PROBLEMATIC COPING STRATEGIES
In my case I experienced plenty of bullying at school, from both boys and girls, which led me to believe: 

• “I should stay out of people’s way” 
• “I should hide my emotions” 
• “I should be strong” 
• “I should appear intelligent to others” 

These beliefs pushed me to over exercise at the gym at 14 years old, damaging my spine. They also encouraged me to lie, fake confidence and repress emotions. I became anxious in my relationships and tried to be someone that I wasn’t, resulting in failed relationships and hurt people. This, as it turns out, was part of my learning process, which I can use to help others.

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THE SUBTLE USE OF THE TOOL
What you don’t see in my written text is the mindfulness work behind the tool. At each stage I’m stopping to check out how it feels in my body. I’m finding the root of any resistance. If something doesn’t seem right I ask, why? This will get me to the ‘root belief’ and reveal unknown shoulds, which I can work on instead. We teach a more in-depth version of this tool in our 6 week course at Bristol City Yoga, and I teach my own course online, (starting 14 May) which you can read about here. I also made a video of the STOP technique here.

IT TAKES TIME AND PRACTICE
When I first used this tool it was clunky and slow and I got too obsessed with the words, but after some practice I internalised the desire for learning and for inner peace, and prioritized those traits over the need to be right, or impressive, or afraid. I now live life as an adventure, full of curiosity, and with a very simple awareness:

It is not situations that cause us problems, it is our internalised beliefs. If we explore our beliefs we come to realise that all problems are opportunities for growth... If we are willing to dig into them.  

If you’d like to let go of anxiety and find more peace, focus and clarity then consider coming to one of my *pay what you feel* online classes. I have a different theme each day. Each Tuesday I use the STOP technique in a group, to help people process stuck thoughts and instead: TAKE THE TIME TO FREE THE MIND. Want to come? Click here to register for free. ​​

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WORRYING IS USEFUL
The truth is worries normal and natural. Worries demonstrate care and they draw your attention to potential dangers. Worries, like all emotions, can be positive and useful, if we let ourselves ‘feel them’ and choose to interpret them positively. They can then give us the awareness and energy we need to make effective and peaceful action. 

NEGATIVE THINKING 
However, we often interpret emotions, like worries, very negatively. We deeply believe the thought: ‘something should be different!’ We miss the truth, that the very thought itself creates an internal conflict, expends our energy and misses the learning potential. Thinking negatively about emotions themselves often ends up creating the very thing we were worrying about. I battled with this for many years. I WAS A CHRONIC WORRIER

MY EVOLVING STORY WITH THE STOP TECHNIQUE
My turning point happened when I first started a meditation practice. My verst meditation showed me strong emotions hiding in my body, and belief systems in my mind that I wasn’t even aware of. I met Mark Dunn, of Positive Meditation, who crafted a tool that he called ‘The STOP technique’. Working alongside body awareness this tool used the strong emotions and situations in life to highlight what I was believing, and then showed me how to change it. I studied with Positive Meditation for two years, working through my inner pain, and then worked with Mark for the last five years, honing the STOP technique for myself and my clients. 

FINDING THE NEGATIVE FEEDBACK LOOPS 
My work was mainly about spending time listening to the body and catching the ‘shoulds’ of the mind. These hidden expectations led to the ‘gold’ of learning about myself and changing my responses. So I began to ‘celebrate the catches’. For example, I often catch the belief  “I shouldn’t worry so much!” When I get curious I see that this ‘should’ creates a reaction of ‘more anxiety’ and a mild addiction to social media, which I use to distract myself from the anxious feelings in my body. The belief that I shouldn’t worry makes everything much worse! 

But how the hell do we change an ingrained belief?

I STOPPED FIGHTING
Rather than trying to avoid or get rid of my anxiety, I learned to acknowledge and accept it as a feeling, whilst questioning the background thinking. This helps me to discover what my mind and body want and need. Over time old beliefs and reactions become weaker and new responses become stronger. This is called neuroplasticity. We can train the mind to change the brain and nervous system! Thing is, it’s a lifelong pursuit, because like any part of the body, if you don’t use it, you lose it. Old programming can and will resurface. So now I use the STOP technique and meditation daily, to stop any internal fighting with my mind. ​

HOW IT CHANGED MY LIFE
I’ve found that I catch things much earlier now. I often perceive a challenging moment in life as a kind of playful test, and difficult people as ‘my mindfulness gurus’ (Thanks to Jamie Catto for that insight!).  Inspector Clueso (pictured below) hired 'Kato' to jump out at him. This was to train his reflexes to be sharp and ready, 'at all times'. When I practice the STOP technique I am able to be more ready to notice and respond to my own mind and emotions with this mentality. I learn something each time. I grow my calmness and clarity of mind.  I use the STOP technique verbally, in quick questions to myself, and in journalling. ​​ I can now reduce my worry much easier.