Positively Mindful
  • Home
  • About
  • GROUPS
  • 1:1
  • Work
  • Blog
  • CONTACT
  • Home
  • About
  • GROUPS
  • 1:1
  • Work
  • Blog
  • CONTACT

Blog! Seize the day, then let it go 

BLOG INDEX

Radical Honesty and Non-Violent Communication

19/10/2016

8 Comments

 

Having recently been trained in Radical Honesty and Non-Violent Communication I wanted to look at how they stack up.

Picture
This weekend I was trained by Tullia Syvanen in a workshop about Radical Honesty - a concept conceived in the USA by Dr Brad Blanton,which I will try and sum up here, whilst also giving my personal experiences, in the hope of passing on knowledge and inspiration.

WHAT IS IT?
​

RH is a language tool which encourages us to communicate directly and stop lying,. The website says the aim is “to gain freedom from the jail of your mind and then get over shit and be happy, developing more true and intimate relationships.”

My interpretation: It seems to me to be a way of processing one's emotions aloud, and in the doing  of that one can cultivate extreme ownership of one's choices of attention, imagination, language and actions - one is invited to drop the story and to express present emotion, especially anger, directly to the person ones is feeling angry with, whilst relating it to real (not imagined) actions, words or things. 

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson
Picture
HOW DOES RADICAL HONESTY WORK?

The theory is that people usually avoid being angry at someone else for
years, holding it in the body and mind as resentment. This pent up energy weakens connections and takes a toll on the body, weighing us down and creating disease. The theory goes that if people actually allowed themselves to get angry at them, they’d probably get over it in half an hour, especially if people are trained to work with their emotions, rather than suppress them. Therefore anger is one of the primary emotions explored within RH.


he process is described more fully below. First, there are some simple, but very unusual language tools within that which are intended to clean up the language so that we can clean up the mind, to expose our projections. These language tools are:

  1. Express your anger or emotion like this: “I resent you (or other emotion) for (action/words)”. The first step encourages us to get shit off our chest by expressing it, directly, and then staying with the person until it is dealt with. Expressing of the emotion is a form of true acceptance (the proof is in the pudding), even though it is hard. The language is specifically crafted here to make it personal, because our emotions often are personal - a primary reaction of blame - reacting, initially, to concrete actions or words. Eg. I’m angry at you for saying “you’re wrong”. This is, for me, a concerning approach, because it can be quite aggressive and reactive. The RH process encourages one to put  energy into the voice (like shout!) and this activates sensations in the body.
  2. Feel your sensations, stay with them. This is, for me, the most important step - the feeling of the sensations. Give this extra time and realise that they may be uncomfortable, but you are okay. No one is dying. It is just emotion; information from the body that something inside you (a belief or expectation) is being challenged by this situation. We are encouraged to notice sensations and even say them aloud (in the workshop). This can hint at the true emotion (as I talked about in my blog about taking a SEAT).  We follow this up with the next level of ownership:
  3. Express and own the emotion. “I make myself (emotion) when I imagine (judgement/ imagined situation).” Owning that you are making yourself angry, sad, fearful and joyful via the thinking and story you’ve concocted (usually subconsciously) has an immense power. It allows us to see the story. Even if we are still attached to the story we have now got to the core truth of what we are emoting about. Eg. “I make myself sad when I imagine you don’t care.” Part of this is the tool of using an ‘I’ instead of ‘it’. This is about recognising all the hidden parts of yourself - the parts that are keeping you scared, partly as a protection from the imagined future. Then we can choose to:
  4. Ask for what you want. “Are you willing to tell me (if whatever you imagined is true).” By checking out the imagined judgement or situation we get some real feedback. Most of the time it isn’t even happening. Eg. “Do you care about me? Can you tell me what you think of me?” This can be hard, but allows us to actually handle something tangible, rather than a fictional idea.
  5. Let genuine appreciation flow: “I appreciate you for (concrete action/words).” The next step is to notice if any appreciation is coming up. Expressing it in a way that filters out interpretation and is aimed directly at observed words/actions. Eg.” I appreciate you for the way you smile” NOT "I appreciate your beautiful smile.”. Because beautiful is a label. A label is an interpretation.  

Other tools include:

  1. Replacing the word ‘But’ with ‘And’. For example: “I like you and I want some space right now.” It paints a more realistic picture of a human being, that isn’t binary, by not negating one statement with another, but allowing two seemingly opposing statements to co-exist. This reminds us that we are complex beings and that we are making conscious choices. A ‘But’ would negate the sentence before it, eg. “I like you but I want some space”.
  2. Drop the story: the ‘because/why games’: So often we want to explain our point of view and this is usually a defence. We defend anytime someone has an emotional reaction to something we did or said. The RH process is largely about being ok with emotions and not bringing in any bullshit story, which just feeds the insecurities - story can just end up perpetuating subtle lies, projections and protection of a fragile ego. Eg. “I am angry at you for the amount of time you spent talking, because I’m so sick that people never listen!”
  3. Don’t expect anyone to live up to expectations. ‘Shoulds’ are sadistic. We try to eliminate shoulds and expectations - each day would end with an affirmation that you/I/we are not here to live up to your/my/our expectations, but to connect beautifully and imperfectly! ​

The theory is that with time and direct, truthful expression of difficult emotions and judgements, then appreciation we can trust more in ourselves and each other. It is important to be willing to give the process some time. By talking about these things more often they can become more commonplace and perhaps we can show each other our genuine emotions, so that we can process them more quickly and openly. We learn not to take any of this this personally.  When we focus  on facts, rather than interpretations and beliefs we can see that we have all living on an imagined fear. In fact the very word belief holds the word ‘lie’ right  in the middle of it! if we relax our story and beliefs for a moment, concentrate on facts then we can have ‘real’ and intimate connections, easily and beautifully.  Apparently it is a lot easier and less destructive than it might seem. 

“It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.”  Noël Coward
MY EXPERIENCE
​

So this was a 2.5 day workshop and the start was messy! The facilitator immediately got us to explore any unexpressed resentments about our lives and then to each other. There was shouting and lots of projection (blame). I was feeling confused at what was going on but on Saturday, after introductions, Tuulia introduced some of the language rules, concepts and we all committed to:
  • Tell the truth (including not withholding)
  • Ask for what we want (regardless of the worry)
  • Bee present with our feelings and emotions
  • Take more than give (We are encouraged to be selfish, not moralistic - ie. driven by what we want, rather than what we think we should be).
  • ​There were a few more, not listed.
​
We then continued talking, and reacting at each other’s stories. We would confront one another with long silences as we felt into our sensations and emotions. I was often confused and uncomfortable, but then I realised it was my imagination causing that - I was imagining people thinking I was stupid, arrogant or (fill in the blank). It was these thoughts that were fuelling my emotions and reactions. I was having a lot of judgements too and the more I stayed with sensations the more I realised the judgements were ridiculous, and more about my insecurities and I was able to ask people if they were true, without worrying if they would take it personally.

As an example I judged one man in the workshop to be frail, and expressed it (as I was invited to) and we got into a conversation about ageism and that helped me see that I’m attached to the story of being youthful and scared of being a responsible adult, with duties and obligations.  It was heated at first, but quickly turned to appreciation. 

On Sunday I got the chance to take the hot seat. I would be having a conversation with someone in my life with whom I have unfinished business. This is therefore called a ‘Completion Conversation’ but I think of it more as a healing conversation. I spoke with an empty chair - imagining someone in my life (I won’t go into details) and I cried throughout, as I spoke honestly, owning my bitter judgements for about an hour. It was very helpful having a facilitator to keep me on track, away from story and to really feel what was happening. I learned a lot of insights and it helped me to prepare for the REAL conversation - which I’ve committed to complete before Christmas.

This was an intense workshop and it also included a lot of love and appreciation. One of the exercises included a 5 minute discussion of everything we liked about ourselves, to which we all agreed to post a video of on Facebook! Mine is at the bottom. It is part of dropping the shame and opening up to truth. ​
Picture
“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.”  ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Picture
BALANCING IT WITH NON VIOLENT COMMUNICATION
​
Non Violent Communication is something I use in my life - it is sometimes referred to as compassionate communication and the aim is to communicate in a way that makes natural giving possible - through the use of empathy, to yourself and to another. I trained in NVC a year ago.

NVC is about connecting from the heart, with empathy and from a place of compassion. The creators of RH don’t seem to like NVC - the two communication styles have similarities, but very different approaches. RH seems to be about expressing angry truth and getting it off your chest so that other emotions can come in and you can see past your imagined bullshit.

NVC invites you to process things inside yourself first, whilst maintaining ‘heart connection’ with another, never seeking to blame, diagnose or demand change. RH might call this passive aggressive, but my experience is different.   NVC  has the potential to negotiate conflict and create a lot of love, and I would also agree that there is an inbuilt weakness - that the structure of NVC diminishes the ability to express emotion in raw form. Expressing raw emotions can bring a deep acceptance and truth to relationships.

Here are the two models, or my interpretations of them, side by side:

Picture
NON VIOLENT COMMUNICATION
Picture
RADICAL HONESTY
PictureWhen you want to be close, honesty pays, and so does sensetivity
Also, here is how I see them fitting into my idea of the Drama Vs Presence Triangles of transactional analysis:
  • RH is very much a challenging style of communication and
  • NVC is more of a nurturing/coaching style
You can bring both roles into your communication style. RH can seem blunt, at first, but once the air has been cleared it builds connection. In that way there is a much greater burden on the listener in relieving a RH style conversation. NVC has less of the "clearing the air", but might also seem less effective when working with lots of history within relationships, but the NVC communicator takes much of the burden by acting as a nurturing coach, at times (Thanks to Greg for this insight).

INTIMATE VS GENERAL RELATIONSHIPS

Authentic expression is best used on the dancefloor and in intimate relationships.
Kind, open, empathetic and positive expression can be used everywhere - in our general life.


Taking the best elements of both styles, I think that using empathy and sensitivity (when we have capacity) will allow us to choose the appropriate style, but when we don’t have capacity, but we want to take time to create honest relationships I think the skills of RH can be invaluable.  They can provide catharsis and truth, as well as the ability to re-align your imagination and expectations.

In summary I believe RH is designed to bring an element of authenticity to intimate relationships but is not so well suited to general ones, whereas NVC is actually about connecting generally from a kind hearted place. Both are self awareness tools that can empower us.

CONCLUSIONS

Ultimately I want to be an artist and I want to have ‘real’ relationships and drop facades, so I see a lot of value in RH, especially within intimate relationships. Relaxing my moralism (expectations beliefs and shoulds) also helps me to relax my anxiety, helps me to be ok with making mistakes and to get over them, even if that triggers emotions in some people. The point is to stop being a perfectionist and suppressing everything in the process. Balancing it with a mindful approach allows us to choose what to express (and therefore release) and what to internally process. As Brene Brown describes, we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and at times that means processing stuff aloud, together with others - to be seen as imperfect and beautiful. RH is one such process, but perhaps somewhat of an aggressive one. Maybe in the balance we can all learn to get over shit and be happy, even if that means we have to piss each other off a bit in the process. I'm still working out how I use these tools.

What do you think? Please let me know your thoughts from this blog or your experiences with balancing honesty and empathy. How can we sensitive, kind and truthful? ​

PS... I committed to doing this in the workshop - so I thought I'd do it in my PJs, no grooming and just the brutal, honest, shabby me (this is an example of my story/excuses by the way!) : 

8 Comments
Guess
29/12/2016 10:04:00 pm

Why do you look ill?

Reply
Gavin link
22/6/2017 09:15:19 pm

I can see a lot of value in RH but I think you hit the nail on the head in stating that it is probably best suited for intimate relationships. A coworker might not appreciate such a direct and energetic response. I know my own meditation practice has helped me to notice when I get stuck in lies or in excuses. It is quite freeing to just say the truth even though it might not be so kind.

Reply
Mr Neil P Morbey
26/1/2019 12:53:25 pm

totally agree! thanks for the comment

Reply
Brian
3/9/2017 01:11:37 pm

I agree about radical honesty being aggressive. I used to be obsessed with it and kind of deluded myself of the down sides of it, or pretended that it's society's fault for not being adaptable to radical honesty ...

I imagine radical honesty just doesn't work in every context. To me, it doesn't work well with some people and it has cost me relationships. I imagine it wouldn't work well in the work place well either. I think radical honesty is like inviting people to connect with you or fear/avoid you, and you're forcing them to pick quickly by being radically honest yourself.

NVC I have no experience with. I used to judge it as bad because I saw that Brad Blanton didn't like it and thought, "Brad must be right, it probably is shit and for weak people." And I would go around with the introjections I made from listening to Brad about, "Communication should be violent!" I may experiment with NVC, though I am hoping it's not too robotic of a language and that I can still speak in a natural manner. I imagine it may take me away from my experience and get me in my mind.

Reply
Mr Neil P Morbey
26/1/2019 12:52:53 pm

Great, thank you. I wonder how the experiments are going. I'm moving back to RH style a little more. Finding the balance! I made a new tool, coming our soon.

Reply
Ian
19/5/2020 10:55:14 pm

I can’t believe I came across your post!
15 years ago I read Brad Blanton’s first book that I bought at a garage sale. I stared at the book for about five years, knowing that there was something inside that book that could change my life. I finally read it in September 2005. I didn’t even finish it… I employed the techniques of sharing honestly about everything with my then wife of 10 years . That experience was the most profound to date that I’ve had which cracked the first hard exterior layer of my defences. It opened up another part of me and changed my life forever. As much aliveness as RA has brought, it has always lead to growing inflammation in intimacy for me. After my 20 year marriage ended four years ago, I am now 4 years into another intimate relationship where Radical Aliveness again has contributed to really wonderful aliveness, but again irreconcilable inflammation of past traumas.
We have been practicing NVC for almost the last year as a way of trying to get us through our inflammatory patterns. I have found the process very useful in many ways and also somewhat deadening and less impactful towards creating deep understanding & evolving intimacy. Recently I’ve been further contemplating the useful way that NVC builds greater emotional awareness & responsibility through its mechanics. I have been experimenting with adding to it in order to make it more authentic & hopefully more effective in working though the communication challenges in my relationship. I have been going back to my memory of radical honesty, wanting to somehow bridge the 2...as I feel they each represent an extreme on that nuanced continuum of effective communication.
I came across your article today when I decided to search for the remote chance that some person or modality combined or compared the 2. LOL.
All that to say...I so appreciate this study & comparison you’ve shared from your own brave explorations of each.
I would love to hear about any further discoveries / evolutions you have discovered since publishing this.
- Ian

Reply
Mr Neil P Morbey link
22/5/2020 12:23:16 pm

Thank you Ian
I've come a long way down the path of communicating authentically. I still have lots to learn. My feeling is that being honest is often much better for me, on the whole. Staying with things too. I've also learned to practice listening more than talking.

I like having these modalities in the back of my mind, but using everyday language and taking things a lot less seriously than I used to. Then I don't alienate people I talk to and we develop rapport more easily. I still try and own my feelings and opinions.

Happy to talk with you if you'd like to. Email me at neil@positively-mindful.com

Reply
Michi
4/12/2021 02:31:55 am

I like this post 👍🏻❤️

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Authors

    Neil Morbey is a meditation teacher, group facilitator and inspiration guide for Positively-Mindful.com

    Newsletter Sign Up
    Blog Index
    1. Grounding: Stabilize your Wobbles
    2. How to appreciate your struggle 10/3/2022
    3. Allowing Ourselves To Rest 2/2/2022
    4. Committing To Your Deep Truth: Your Mission 19/1/2022
    5. The Attention Wars - Know Your Enemies! 24/11/2021
    6. Practices To Improve Polyvagal Tone 12/11/2021
    7. Being good enough - letting go of 'exceptional'. 8/11/2021
    8. Reschooling and Reparenting - Heal and Train Yourself (Like a Kitten) 26/10/2021
    9. Compare and Despair? Remember Now is Wow! 12/10/2021
    10. Using Self Awareness to Overcome Negative Emotions and Heal Your Trauma Patterns 5/10/2021
    11. How to find true love using meditation 28/9/2021
    12. 7 Steps To Establish a New Habit 20/9/2021
    13. Understanding the Main Styles of Counseling 21/5/2021
    14. When to listen to your gut: The power of intuition and instinct 1/3/2021
    15. Breaking the Lockdown Blues 4/2/2021
    16. Trying to Change a Habit? Forget Dopamine Fasting, Take a Holiday! 20/11/2020
    17. How To Liberate Yourself From Wounded Patterns 3/11/2020
    18. Overstimulation - The reason you struggle to focus 16/9/2020
    19. Reminding myself everyday: The MORNING routine 12/9/2020
    20. How to STOP reacting to anxiety 11/5/2020
    21. Creating a Meditation Space for Your Home - Top Ten Tips 5/3/2020
    22. Top 5 things the children loved about Mindfulness classes 9/12/2019
    23. What I learned from my week of being perfectly imperfect, ME 27/11/2019
    24. 5 things I learned from a retreat for fools 5/11/2019
    25. How To Meditate - An Example Practice (Body Scan) 25/9/2019
    26. How mindfulness can help you to enjoy the journey. 31/7/2019
    27. Has Mindfulness sold out and become McMindfulness? 24/6/2019
    28. How Nature Can Enrich Your Mindfulness Practice 19/6/2019
    29. Radical Coaching: Shadowing 25/4/2019
    30. Timed Talk & Listen - a tool to practice in relationship. 22/3/2019
    31. 5 Things SOME People Regret On Their Deathbed 6/3/2019
    32. Mindfulness at work: more ways to create balance, focus and clarity. 25/1/2019
    33. Everything you need to know about meditation posture and structure. 19/12/2018
    34. Mindfulness Coaching - is it for you? 23/10/2018
    35. Happiness: How Do We Find The Balance? 19/9/2018
    36. The Work of Ghostbusting: Meet the mind with kind inquiry 25/1/2018
    37. Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
    38. Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
    39. Removing Drama Is As Easy As A-B-C! (Part 2 - Spot the signals, name the role.)  24/10/2017
    40. Using Mindfulness to Sleep Better 7/9/2017
    41. 3 Ways you can help your workplace become more mindful. 16/8/2017
    42. Top 5 things the children loved about Mindfulness classes 9/12/2019
    43. What I learned from my week of being perfectly imperfect, ME 27/11/2019
    44. 5 things I learned from a retreat for fools 5/11/2019
    45. How To Meditate - An Example Practice (Body Scan) 25/9/2019
    46. How mindfulness can help you to enjoy the journey. 31/7/2019
    47. Has Mindfulness sold out and become McMindfulness? 24/6/2019
    48. How Nature Can Enrich Your Mindfulness Practice 19/6/2019
    49. Radical Coaching: Shadowing 25/4/2019
    50. Timed Talk & Listen - a tool to practice in relationship. 22/3/2019
    51. 5 Things SOME People Regret On Their Deathbed 6/3/2019
    52. Mindfulness at work: more ways to create balance, focus and clarity. 25/1/2019
    53. Everything you need to know about meditation posture and structure. 19/12/2018
    54. Mindfulness Coaching - is it for you? 23/10/2018
    55. Happiness: How Do We Find The Balance? 19/9/2018
    56. The Work of Ghostbusting: Meet the mind with kind inquiry 25/1/2018
    57. Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
    58. Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
    59. Removing Drama Is As Easy As A-B-C! (Part 2 - Spot the signals, name the role.)  24/10/2017
    60. Using Mindfulness to Sleep Better 7/9/2017
    61. 3 Ways you can help your workplace become more mindful. 16/8/2017
    62. How to overcome psychological abuse, mindfully 21/7/2017
    63. Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish 23/6/2017
    64. 3 Steps to returning to your nature 10/6/2017
    65. The words you speak become the house you live in 29/5/2017
    66. Low Energy? Listen to your needs. 12/5/2017
    67. How to stay inspired (not impotent by importance). 29/4/2017
    68. What is Spirituality? (And how does it relate to thinking?) 14/4/2017
    69. Breath Works: practices to program BOLD focus. 23/3/2017
    70. Procrastination part 3: TURNING THE SHIP AROUND 10/2/2017
    71. Loosen your TIES to suffering 20/1/2017
    72. Understanding Procrastination Part 2: Just do it now. 15/12/2016
    73. What happens in a 1 hour mindfulness class? 23/11/2016
    74. Transforming Hatred with Kindness - Storytime! 1/11/2016
    75. When Feedback hurts - Own your Shit - Take a SEAT 4/10/2016
    76. No pain, no gain? 22/7/2016
    77. Life is like an echo... echooo... echooooo.... 8/6/2016
    78. Etymology and Mindfulness of Language 13/5/2016
    79. An Awesome or Choresome Life? 24/4/2016
    80. Mindfulness for Young People? 8/4/2016
    81. Explore the depths of your ocean. 29/3/2016
    82. Let Go and Be - escape the Drama triangle! 22/3/2016
    83. THE IMPORTANCE OF FEEDBACK 2/3/2016
    84. Don't Mindfill 22/2/2016
    85. Love is messy, scary, risky... Love and need? 9/2/2016
    86. Awareness of the road! 30/1/2016
    87. Dealing with the emotional drop 12/1/2016
    88. Tools for patience in meditation and in life. 6/1/2016
    89. Useful language and tools for creating healthy discussion 12/12/2015
    90. Craving the crux: 10 lessons learned from my rock climbing addiction 9/12/2015
    91. PLAYFULNESS AND PRESENCE: TEDX BELFAST 2015  30/11/2015
    92. Orestes, The Furies and The Eumenides (Kindly ones). A story of vengeance, guilt and forgiveness 5/11/2015
    93. Learning barefoot: feeling more 26/10/2015
    94. Musings on Choice and Obligation 20/10/2015
    95. What is enlightenment and what's the process of getting there? 10/9/2015
    96. What is Mindfulness and Why Practice? 3/9/2015
    97. ​​My Vipassana Retreat Experience 9/7/2015

    Archives

    March 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    May 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    May 2020
    March 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    September 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    January 2018
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly