Radical Honesty and Non-Violent Communication

Having recently been trained in Radical Honesty and Non-Violent Communication I wanted to look at how they stack up.

This weekend I was trained by Tullia Syvanen in a workshop about Radical Honesty - a concept conceived in the USA by Dr Brad Blanton,which I will try and sum up here, whilst also giving my personal experiences, in the hope of passing on knowledge and inspiration.

WHAT IS IT?
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RH is a language tool which encourages us to communicate directly and stop lying,. The website says the aim is “to gain freedom from the jail of your mind and then get over shit and be happy, developing more true and intimate relationships.”

My interpretation: It seems to me to be a way of processing one's emotions aloud, and in the doing  of that one can cultivate extreme ownership of one's choices of attention, imagination, language and actions - one is invited to drop the story and to express present emotion, especially anger, directly to the person ones is feeling angry with, whilst relating it to real (not imagined) actions, words or things. 

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“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

HOW DOES RADICAL HONESTY WORK?

The theory is that people usually avoid being angry at someone else for years, holding it in the body and mind as resentment. This pent up energy weakens connections and takes a toll on the body, weighing us down and creating disease. The theory goes that if people actually allowed themselves to get angry at them, they’d probably get over it in half an hour, especially if people are trained to work with their emotions, rather than suppress them. Therefore anger is one of the primary emotions explored within RH.

he process is described more fully below. First, there are some simple, but very unusual language tools within that which are intended to clean up the language so that we can clean up the mind, to expose our projections. These language tools are:

1. Express your anger or emotion like this: “I resent you (or other emotion) for (action/words)”. The first step encourages us to get shit off our chest by expressing it, directly, and then staying with the person until it is dealt with. Expressing of the emotion is a form of true acceptance (the proof is in the pudding), even though it is hard. The language is specifically crafted here to make it personal, because our emotions often are personal - a primary reaction of blame - reacting, initially, to concrete actions or words. Eg. I’m angry at you for saying “you’re wrong”. This is, for me, a concerning approach, because it can be quite aggressive and reactive. The RH process encourages one to put  energy into the voice (like shout!) and this activates sensations in the body.
2. Feel your sensations, stay with them. This is, for me, the most important step - the feeling of the sensations. Give this extra time and realise that they may be uncomfortable, but you are okay. No one is dying. It is just emotion; information from the body that something inside you (a belief or expectation) is being challenged by this situation. We are encouraged to notice sensations and even say them aloud (in the workshop). This can hint at the true emotion (as I talked about in my blog about taking a SEAT).  We follow this up with the next level of ownership:
3. Express and own the emotion. “I make myself (emotion) when I imagine (judgement/ imagined situation).” Owning that you are making yourself angry, sad, fearful and joyful via the thinking and story you’ve concocted (usually subconsciously) has an immense power. It allows us to see the story. Even if we are still attached to the story we have now got to the core truth of what we are emoting about. Eg. “I make myself sad when I imagine you don’t care.” Part of this is the tool of using an ‘I’ instead of ‘it’. This is about recognising all the hidden parts of yourself - the parts that are keeping you scared, partly as a protection from the imagined future. Then we can choose to:
4. Ask for what you want. “Are you willing to tell me (if whatever you imagined is true).” By checking out the imagined judgement or situation we get some real feedback. Most of the time it isn’t even happening. Eg. “Do you care about me? Can you tell me what you think of me?” This can be hard, but allows us to actually handle something tangible, rather than a fictional idea.
5. Let genuine appreciation flow: “I appreciate you for (concrete action/words).” The next step is to notice if any appreciation is coming up. Expressing it in a way that filters out interpretation and is aimed directly at observed words/actions. Eg.” I appreciate you for the way you smile” NOT "I appreciate your beautiful smile.”. Because beautiful is a label. A label is an interpretation.  

Other tools include:

1. Replacing the word ‘But’ with ‘And’. For example: “I like you and I want some space right now.” It paints a more realistic picture of a human being, that isn’t binary, by not negating one statement with another, but allowing two seemingly opposing statements to co-exist. This reminds us that we are complex beings and that we are making conscious choices. A ‘But’ would negate the sentence before it, eg. “I like you but I want some space”.
2. Drop the story: the ‘because/why games’: So often we want to explain our point of view and this is usually a defence. We defend anytime someone has an emotional reaction to something we did or said. The RH process is largely about being ok with emotions and not bringing in any bullshit story, which just feeds the insecurities - story can just end up perpetuating subtle lies, projections and protection of a fragile ego. Eg. “I am angry at you for the amount of time you spent talking, because I’m so sick that people never listen!”
3. Don’t expect anyone to live up to expectations. ‘Shoulds’ are sadistic. We try to eliminate shoulds and expectations - each day would end with an affirmation that you/I/we are not here to live up to your/my/our expectations, but to connect beautifully and imperfectly! ​

The theory is that with time and direct, truthful expression of difficult emotions and judgements, then appreciation we can trust more in ourselves and each other. It is important to be willing to give the process some time. By talking about these things more often they can become more commonplace and perhaps we can show each other our genuine emotions, so that we can process them more quickly and openly. We learn not to take any of this this personally.  When we focus  on facts, rather than interpretations and beliefs we can see that we have all living on an imagined fear. In fact the very word belief holds the word ‘lie’ right  in the middle of it! if we relax our story and beliefs for a moment, concentrate on facts then we can have ‘real’ and intimate connections, easily and beautifully.  Apparently it is a lot easier and less destructive than it might seem. 

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“It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.”  Noël Coward

MY EXPERIENCE
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So this was a 2.5 day workshop and the start was messy! The facilitator immediately got us to explore any unexpressed resentments about our lives and then to each other. There was shouting and lots of projection (blame). I was feeling confused at what was going on but on Saturday, after introductions, Tuulia introduced some of the language rules, concepts and we all committed to:

• Tell the truth (including not withholding)
• Ask for what we want (regardless of the worry)
• Bee present with our feelings and emotions
• Take more than give (We are encouraged to be selfish, not moralistic - ie. driven by what we want, rather than what we think we should be).
• ​There were a few more, not listed.

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We then continued talking, and reacting at each other’s stories. We would confront one another with long silences as we felt into our sensations and emotions. I was often confused and uncomfortable, but then I realised it was my imagination causing that - I was imagining people thinking I was stupid, arrogant or (fill in the blank). It was these thoughts that were fuelling my emotions and reactions. I was having a lot of judgements too and the more I stayed with sensations the more I realised the judgements were ridiculous, and more about my insecurities and I was able to ask people if they were true, without worrying if they would take it personally.

As an example I judged one man in the workshop to be frail, and expressed it (as I was invited to) and we got into a conversation about ageism and that helped me see that I’m attached to the story of being youthful and scared of being a responsible adult, with duties and obligations.  It was heated at first, but quickly turned to appreciation. 

On Sunday I got the chance to take the hot seat. I would be having a conversation with someone in my life with whom I have unfinished business. This is therefore called a ‘Completion Conversation’ but I think of it more as a healing conversation. I spoke with an empty chair - imagining someone in my life (I won’t go into details) and I cried throughout, as I spoke honestly, owning my bitter judgements for about an hour. It was very helpful having a facilitator to keep me on track, away from story and to really feel what was happening. I learned a lot of insights and it helped me to prepare for the REAL conversation - which I’ve committed to complete before Christmas.

This was an intense workshop and it also included a lot of love and appreciation. One of the exercises included a 5 minute discussion of everything we liked about ourselves, to which we all agreed to post a video of on Facebook! Mine is at the bottom. It is part of dropping the shame and opening up to truth. ​

“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.”  ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

BALANCING IT WITH NON VIOLENT COMMUNICATION
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Non Violent Communication is something I use in my life - it is sometimes referred to as compassionate communication and the aim is to communicate in a way that makes natural giving possible - through the use of empathy, to yourself and to another. I trained in NVC a year ago.

NVC is about connecting from the heart, with empathy and from a place of compassion. The creators of RH don’t seem to like NVC - the two communication styles have similarities, but very different approaches. RH seems to be about expressing angry truth and getting it off your chest so that other emotions can come in and you can see past your imagined bullshit.

NVC invites you to process things inside yourself first, whilst maintaining ‘heart connection’ with another, never seeking to blame, diagnose or demand change. RH might call this passive aggressive, but my experience is different.   NVC  has the potential to negotiate conflict and create a lot of love, and I would also agree that there is an inbuilt weakness - that the structure of NVC diminishes the ability to express emotion in raw form. Expressing raw emotions can bring a deep acceptance and truth to relationships.

Here are the two models, or my interpretations of them, side by side:

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NON VIOLENT COMMUNICATION

RADICAL HONESTY

When you want to be close, honesty pays, and so does sensetivity

Also, here is how I see them fitting into my idea of the Drama Vs Presence Triangles of transactional analysis:

• RH is very much a challenging style of communication and
• NVC is more of a nurturing/coaching style

You can bring both roles into your communication style. RH can seem blunt, at first, but once the air has been cleared it builds connection. In that way there is a much greater burden on the listener in relieving a RH style conversation. NVC has less of the "clearing the air", but might also seem less effective when working with lots of history within relationships, but the NVC communicator takes much of the burden by acting as a nurturing coach, at times (Thanks to Greg for this insight).

INTIMATE VS GENERAL RELATIONSHIPS

Authentic expression is best used on the dancefloor and in intimate relationships.
Kind, open, empathetic and positive expression can be used everywhere - in our general life.

Taking the best elements of both styles, I think that using empathy and sensitivity (when we have capacity) will allow us to choose the appropriate style, but when we don’t have capacity, but we want to take time to create honest relationships I think the skills of RH can be invaluable.  They can provide catharsis and truth, as well as the ability to re-align your imagination and expectations.

In summary I believe RH is designed to bring an element of authenticity to intimate relationships but is not so well suited to general ones, whereas NVC is actually about connecting generally from a kind hearted place. Both are self awareness tools that can empower us.

CONCLUSIONS

Ultimately I want to be an artist and I want to have ‘real’ relationships and drop facades, so I see a lot of value in RH, especially within intimate relationships. Relaxing my moralism (expectations beliefs and shoulds) also helps me to relax my anxiety, helps me to be ok with making mistakes and to get over them, even if that triggers emotions in some people. The point is to stop being a perfectionist and suppressing everything in the process. Balancing it with a mindful approach allows us to choose what to express (and therefore release) and what to internally process. As Brene Brown describes, we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and at times that means processing stuff aloud, together with others - to be seen as imperfect and beautiful. RH is one such process, but perhaps somewhat of an aggressive one. Maybe in the balance we can all learn to get over shit and be happy, even if that means we have to piss each other off a bit in the process. I'm still working out how I use these tools.

What do you think? Please let me know your thoughts from this blog or your experiences with balancing honesty and empathy. How can we sensitive, kind and truthful? ​

PS... I committed to doing this in the workshop - so I thought I'd do it in my PJs, no grooming and just the brutal, honest, shabby me (this is an example of my story/excuses by the way!) : 

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