 Image by Silvia Siret who is a Family Constellation guide Having recently returned from a 5 day retreat I thought I’d write up my experiences of this modality. What is Family Constellations? Family constellations is a therapeutic approach developed by German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger that explores how unconscious family dynamics and historical traumas can influence an individual's present-day life. It works on the principle that individuals are deeply connected to their family systems and may be entangled in patterns, issues, or emotions from past generations. Through a group or individual process, the method uses representatives to physically and experientially reveal these hidden connections, leading to a resolution and release of emotional burdens. These are some principles:
My image at the top is from Silvia Siret – Family Constellations Life Coach, an old fiend of mine. Check out her page for a more detailed explanation of the processes involved. My first time: Ember combe with Barbera Morgan Probably a decade ago I attended a short weekend retreat. Back then I was more sceptical, but I remember experiencing the ‘magic’ of the work. I remember taking part in other people’s constellations. As a representative for someone else’s father I felt strange feelings and odd visual memories coming up. This is a major component of how they work. Each person who is brought into the centre of the circle is asked to continuously tune in as the process unfolds. What emerges is often spooky and profound. I can’t remember much from this weekend but I have some spooky examples to come. 2024: Buddhafield with Lisa Friedberg I loved Lisa’s style and in particular her introduction of what FC is. We had a huge tent full of people, maybe more than 100. She said things like:
2025: Buddhafield with Richard Buckworth I help run the men’s area at Buddhafield and this year Richard attended, who is a seasoned pro with FC. His workshop had around 20 men in it and the man who was exploring his past constellation had themes of violence within it, meaning he had to hold of energy and it was very intense. At one point we all helped hold the man so he could rage. I found Richard’s style to be very guiding - he offered a lot of knowledge about the process and many verbal interventions for all the representatives. This stimulated a lot of emotion. It seemed to me that the facilitator’s skill and intuition is very important in this process. I also pondered how much his interventions guided things and questioned if this was a bit of a puppet show? Petr Málek: Path of Soul and Shadow I’d heard excellent things about Peter’s facilitation and to be honest I was at first sceptical, especially as, on the first night of the five day retreat I attended with him in Wales he openly shared his ideas about what was going on for some of the participants, before really setting up a safer container. However, upon seeing him work skilfully over the next few days I began to trust his intuition, skill and love and I was profoundly inspired. He has a very direct style, a soft deep voice, which he uses skilfully, with dramatic pauses and gentle pace. He trusts himself. Some might consider this arrogant but I think he was really trying to offer truth from his heart and help trigger some emotion in people, to help them to connect to their truth. Constellations AND Shamanic Healings The 5 days were incredible and we got to do a constellation or a shamanic healing for each of the 20 participants as well as engage in group discussions about the work and to hear lengthy daily sharing from each person. What emerged was a group dynamic of deep love and trust. Petr’s version of a Shamanic Healing was a more receptive version of FC which is intended to heal past life traumas. I was sceptical already, when he told us this. I also remained open to the possibilities. He has one participant lie in the middle of 8 people, who represented 8 key energies:
My Experience of the Shamanic Healing I took part in supporting a female recipient and I ended up sat in the position of North West (Energy). During the healing process I witnessed a man, representing the recipient’s emotions, display real and deep grief and said some things that were incredibly apt for the participant and no one knew them beforehand. So there was no priming and the recipient did not display any clues in their body language. This is anecdotal evidence for something deeper at play. Were we really tuning into her soul and past lives? Pondering - What Is Going On? My theory is that we humans do have a deeper connection than we know. The subconscious and the genetic connections work on levels that we have not fully discovered. However science does have a basic understanding about mirror neurons, epigenetics and body language cues that could somewhat explain the spooky connections and coincidences. Are we picking up on subtle cues and being primed by the skilful facilitator to have strong emotional experiences? And to what end? My Constellation Regardless of all the rational mind stuff I went into my constellation with an open mind. In the end we only did a basic piece with a woman representing ‘love’ but she could also represent my mother, because before the constellation I shared both my wish “To feel genuine love” and some of my background, which included information about how my relationship with my mum affected me. It was a powerful piece of work that had me slowly walking towards her and acknowledging my pain but in a more truthful way. “I missed you”, “You gave me life”, At the end of the work I had received a powerful emotional experience to help me confirm the receiving of genuine love. I think this is what makes the therapy so powerful. Humans need profound emotional experiences to anchor psychological changes. Accepting the truth, forgiving our forebears and coming towards a positive intention is all part of it. Would I recommend it? I had a fascinating time at the experience and I really liked the ‘grounding practices’ in the breaks, which included working on the land with the local community. After every break we would dance together to loud music - which I loved. Petr offered some brilliant exercises all designed to help us come back to forgiveness, acceptance and seeing our own blame and shame and how they repeat patterns of dysfunction for us. He wouldn’t put it that way but I could see the underlying processes and I was impressed. I think the danger of this work is that people get so swayed with the ‘woo’ and so enamoured with Petr that they believe it too much and can have a hard time staying grounded in the reality of the present moment. Nonetheless I would recommend it, especially if you like a challenge with a facilitator who will be quite direct and strong in his approach. And now...? I’m personally going to direct my energy back towards attachment theory and habit change, grounded in evidence based approaches - both for myself and in what I offer to clients. I’m excited to add to my next course of Building Secure Attachments with some of my learnings and if you’d like to work with me please contact me today.  Coed Hills Rural Arts Space where I did FC in 2025
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 I’ve just read this wonderful article about the importance of telling your story and I largely agree with it. As a counsellor my training has helped me to understand that shame lurks in our shadows and can cause havoc in our lives through unseen adaptations from negative childhood experiences and when we open up about our story we can bring that shame into conscious awareness and that enables us to accept our adaptations with compassion and then gradually change them to become more healthy and less destructive.
Brain Biases For Survival However… and this is a big however… I personally think the counselling world does not educate and provide enough warnings to clients. As a coach and an advocate of mediation and positive psychology there is a very important aspect to bear in mind when framing our stories - the biases of the brain, which will always prioritize survival, and therefore FEAR (and other negative emotions that shock us). A bias is a systematic distortion of the facts, leaning towards a certain angle. Because of evolution the brain tends to bias towards:
First Warning: Your Brain Doesn’t Really Want Happiness. With the knowledge of these things we can try to temper our stories. The first warming I would give to clients is - the brain will not want to temper the stories. It wants to hold on to the fear. The primal parts of the brain and millions of years old and have served it well to survive and reproduce. It doesn’t really care for happiness. It will always prioritize survival, and therefore fear. Drama is a great way of fueling fear. The Second Warning: Drama Is Addictive The primal brain is basically addicted to drama. If you’re describing a challenging situation the brain will almost always want to dramatise it - to look for the problems and amplify them. It finds no-problem situations and factual sentences… kinda boring! Notice how when someone else tries to retell your situation without emotion the brain will get angry that the situation isn’t being presented dramatically enough. It will want to tell stories of brutal trauma and vulnerability. Whilst there is a place for that I believe that we must allow some space for raw, emotional expression and then we must try and let the stories go and come back to a healthy, balanced view. Again the brain will HATE this idea. It always wants to prioritize survival, so it will try to believe the negative and run life based on feelings instead of facts. The Third Warning: You Might Inadvertently Amplify Trauma The problem with this is that it may amplify the traumatic memories and then the subsequent effects. It can become an obsessive thought pattern that can create powerfully problematic symptoms and behaviours like depression, anxiety, OCD, bitterness or even panic attacks, intrusive thoughts and more. These are known as negative feedback loops, where the results of the negative thoughts reinforce negative behaviours and then create evidence that supports more negative thoughts, Trauma vs Adaptation Trauma is a real thing. I work with people who’ve lived under terrifying and unpredictable parents. I’ve worked with people who have been attacked and people who have had repeated abuse. It is important to emotionally validate how hard and traumatic these experiences were. However ‘Developmental Trauma’ is not the event itself but the series of events and the internalised set of beliefs and behaviours that the child adapted to survive. I often define it as ‘too much, too fast, too soon, too alone’. It is times we were not only overwhelmed but didn’t have the resources and support from people to process it. But is everything challenging a ‘Trauma?’ Sometimes we define big T Trauma and little T trauma, butIt is increasingly recognized in psychology and neuroscience that many responses described as "trauma responses" are more accurately defined as adaptations to adverse, threatening, or challenging experiences. This shift in terminology emphasizes that these behaviors are not a sign of a broken system, but rather a set of intelligent, protective strategies the brain and body developed to ensure survival in the face of danger I fought hard to acknowledge my ‘Trauma’. I know, I know, the brain fights this idea. It wants to cling on to the idea of trauma, because that is part of the drama triangle - the victim mindset. I think there is an important first step in identifying past pain and acknowledging how painful it was. Then as a second step we can challenge our own thinking and come to see that perhaps we have adapted to challenges and this is incredible! There might be some benefits to taking this perspective:
The Discipline To Amplify Positivity, As a counsellor I can attest to the power of expressing your pain and telling your story with a whole heart. It is so healing in itself, but I think that the healing job is only half complete at this point. Health is about balance. To balance the brain and the painful stories I believe we need to counteract the negative biases also. This includes:
Positivity Is Actually Easier The good news is you don’t have to use willpower to do this, you can use reminders. I call mindfulness Re-Mindfulness because all we’re really doing is reminding ourselves of some basic facts:
My personal practices I’m not perfect, that’s for sure. I’m a work in progress. I can share with you what I’m attempting to do to steer myself to be more aligned with reality and to rebalance the negative mind:
If you’d like help rediscovering you positive, playful and powerful adult self then come to a course or do some coaching with me.  Do you wait for your phone to be at 1% to charge it?
So why are you doing that with yourself? Remember:
Rest isn't a reward for exhaustion. It's a boost for performance. Most people think they need to earn their breaks. What?! The smartest people I know build breaks into their day. Rest Rituals to keep them going. They don't wait for permission. They don't wait till they collapse. They look after the body so that the body looks after the mind. Try this Notice your warning signs or set a timer for 25 mins and notice:
Rest rituals: Take micro-breaks before you crash:
Normalise resting when you still have energy left.
Here's what I do:
What do you do? Would you like help in being able to change gear more easily and look after he mind and body? Do a coaching session with me. Wishing you a restful day. Neil I've been a Coach for 10 years now and I decided to add a counselling qualification to my belt recently. One thing that struck me though is the lack of transparency in the counselling process. For me and many of my coaching clients we want a sense of clarity about the target and trajectory of the process of therapy. So I've been mulling it over and I've also be training in Hypnotherapy recently as I see this as a very close sibling to meditation and positive psychology. So I'm starting to work the following way with my clients to provide them with a clear structure and goals.  Depending on where the client is at we would usually look at the following 3 stages:
Principles
A clear roadmap: Here is a bit more detail with an estimate of overlapping times for each part:
By the end of this process I want each client to have 'an instruction manual for me' - which includes a deep understanding about their past wounds and patterns, a clear set of tools and practices to help them be positive, clear and calm in the present moment and a sense of purpose and direction in looking ahead. If you're interested to try this get in touch with me here.  Contrary to the sound of it THE WORK is joyful and it feels great. Yes it is work, but in some ways this is the first narrative to change. Work is hard, bad, difficult is not true. That’s an old narrative. Work is joyfully challenging and feels great is a new narrative. Can we ever completely remove our old narratives and replace them in this way? This blog explores just that question.
Byron Katie experienced a severe, decade-long battle with depression, agoraphobia, and self-loathing before experiencing a profound shift in her thinking in 1986. This shift, which she calls "awakening to reality," involved realizing that suffering stemmed from believing stressful thoughts, and that freedom came from questioning those thoughts. Prior to this, she had been living in a state of paranoia, rage, and suicidal ideation, often unable to leave her bed. Was this realization an overnight shift? HELL NO. But once the first narrative shifted (realising it was her thoughts, not her soul that was in error) then she began THE WORK and created a legacy that has helped millions of people. THE WORK Consists of four questions and a turnaround. It invites us to be in the present moment, with a thought linked to a specific situation and to get curious about that thought. The end result can be that in the situation you get a DIS-CONFIRMING EXPERIENCE (Where the feeling state and outcome disconfirms the old belief) but also you add a few bricks to the new neural pathway. Do this many times over and the new pathway becomes a motorway. Will I get rid of the old neural pathway and pattern? No, and you don’t want to. In England we have so many quaint old lanes, with grass growing in the middle of them. We didn’t destroy the old roads but instead they became less used, overgrown and now form part of the beauty of our countryside. In the same way your brain will maintain the old addictions, the old self-beliefs of shame and fear, but instead of those being the predominant patterns, they are more like old friends. You can have more choice about whether you go down them and more objectivity when you do, allowing you to reminisce or even find them beautiful. Parts analogy Another way of thinking of these old patterns is like child-parts. The mini (or big) traumas of the past remain as upset children and their strategies for getting basic needs met. For example a bullied child has a need for feeling empowered and so alongside feelings of loneliness, shame and fear they develop a belief they need to be strong to be ok and then use strategies of aggression and arrogance. This child-part persists into adulthood, because it never received love and was never given a new job/strategy to meet the need. A strategy that is in alignment with the adult self. I call the beliefs and behaviours of the child-part SHADOW MISSIONS. They are the self sabotaging missions of the child-part that don’t align with how we want to be. The solution? Change the way we relate to these child-parts and give them new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving that align with the KIND WISE ADULT MISSIONS. How can we change the child-parts It’s the same process as changing the neural pathways from old narratives into new updates paths and narratives. The only difference is we humanise it, which in my view is right and healthy. We see that we are not machines or roads or computers to be updated, but instead human beings, with vulnerabilities, emotions and deep senses of meaning. If we can being to relate to ourselves in this way, using re-parenting practices, journaling, therapy and creating disconfirming experiences in our real-life relationships then gradually we learn to love oeuvres, including all these child-parts. Then they don’t need to disappear, but instead become quieter, calmer and more aligned in their strategies with the adult self. The spiritual dimension As well as being human many people believe we are also spiritual in nature, meaning we are bigger than just a body on a planet. Each person has their own belief around this and we can also explore this in coaching to build upon the beliefs in helpful ways. Let’s face it, people who believe in a compassionate god who is looking out for them and guiding them to be healthy members of society are generally happier and more functional. So as we explore these concepts we can actually tap into deep states of connection and spooky things can happen that can really test our assumptions of the physical world in ways that can be supportive for us and for the world. Deep coaching This is deep work and I believe that each person has their own path with it. My facilitation and coaching is not to tell people what is right or wrong, but to be alongside a person as they do the work, to hold their hand, to encourage them back on track when they falter and to enjoy the process with them. It’s a joy and privilege for me and I am lucky that I get to learn a lot from clients as we journey alongside one another. I called my business positively-mindful because that is the way I work. I focus positively - on what the client loves and wants, and I focus on mindfulness - being present with what is, with compassion and curiosity. If you’d like to do the deep work of coaching and develop yourself please get in touch here. Big Love Neil  In My Group Workshops We Embrace Our Unique Complexities When was the last time you fully embraced something you couldn't fully understand? Our instinct is to simplify, to reduce, to make manageable—but what might we discover if we open ourselves to complexity instead? Touch&Play I help run a festival each year: Touch&Play. This year's theme was inspired by observing the group dynamics and group play of last year’s events. Jamus, Daniel and I contemplated How can we embrace the complexity inherent in group interactions—whether through play, dance, or touch? Intention Drives Growth As with last year the theme can take a life of its own. In my own mind it has taken root, with some discomfort, I might add. I deliberately limit my exposure to world news partly because I see it as propaganda of cherry picked, biased, bad news which seems to make my suggestible mind lose faith in human nature. But the other reason is that the world is just so bloody complex. I found this quote: "Our society is complex, and we teach our students that they could just fix it. It's like: ‘go fix a military helicopter, and see how far you get with that’. You’re like a chimp with a wrench: Whack! “Oh look! It’s better!” It’s like: No! it’s not better…Things are complicated and to fix things is really hard! And you have to be like a golden tool to fix things. And you’re not! So… how do you overcome the suffering of life? Be a better person!... Well, that’s hard! It takes responsibility! I you said to someone: Do you want to have a meaningful life? Then… everything you do matters! Everything!" (Unknown) Overwhelm At The Problems In The World I sometimes feel overwhelmed with life. I sometimes wake imagining what it would be like to have the power... to solve all the problems, to heal all the broken people, greedy dictators, psychopaths, gang members, human traffickers, rapists, bad parents, corrupt politicians… but then you realise the list goes on and on and on. And it includes me. I’m so utterly imperfect, greedy, selfish and like everyone else I might have good intentions but I don’t have the capacity to fully wrap my head around the complexity of all the issues. Ethics Even if I extract one societal issue, like say ‘the ethics and practices of consent’ (which is something I teach on). Well it quickly becomes so vastly complex with grey areas that require consideration of nuance and context that I cannot make hard and fast rules completely. This is why Touch&Play have gone through many iterations of consent models, including enthusiastic consent, ‘messy’ consent, sovereign choice, trauma informed consent… The problem is ongoing and complex. And that is one problem in a pile of billions, each of them subtly interconnected. So how then do I embrace complexity and live well, without becoming overwhelmed? I’ve been reading ‘Humankind: A Hopeful History’ by R Bregman and what I love about it is that it cuts through the propaganda we are drip fed daily - that human beings are selfish and greedy. Instead it looks at the accurate data throughout history to see a brighter perspective; we are mostly good and descent. When crisis happens we come together and help one another. Sure, we have rotten apples, traumatised people, challenges and problems, but if you dig in to the human heart you find a core of care and compassion. People want to do good. Yes the ideology of what ‘good’ means may be different from person to person, and in different ideological groups, but if we can hold faith that the human being primarily wants to do good we can come back to life, as it really is. Careful With What You Input So many movies, news stories, TV shows and literature portray humans as the opposite. Like we are fundamentally bad and we have a thin veneer of society on top, keeping us in line. Movies like Batman - where the Joker is described: “some men just want to see the world burn”. The scary thing to me is that narratives like this create and fuel ideologies. They make us believe it’s true! Then we act on those beliefs! The book cites example after example where humans were being good, but then the news reports incited violence, because people ‘thought’ that other people were being bad. It’s so simple it boils my blood with anger. Connection With Our Own Depths So one thing that I feel we need in this post truth age, more than anything is the ability to discern BS, lies, fake media, propaganda for what it is - clickbait, attention seeking nonsense. To do this incredibly difficult thing we need a stronger connection to reality as it really is. How do we do that? Connect with people. Connect with ourselves. Practice mindfulness - the art of being a curious observer of thoughts, feelings, sensations and of the world around us. Stop watching the news and instead sit down and think, research, talk to real people who have really been there. A variety of people. And finally to stop thinking we can solve all the world’s problems and kidding ourselves that we even understand them and instead focus on one or two problems at a time - mostly within our own locality. Slow Down, Ground. Come Down To The Bedrock Of Reality We need to build ourselves up from a bedrock of reality. From this place right here and right now. A bit like Zorro Circles - the idea that you need to master your small circles first and then expand out from there. Embracing complexity means slowing down, zooming in and coming to things mindfully and compassionately. Acknowledge our ignorance and learn to discern truth through this process. For me, this is relaxing and calming. I relax the feelings of overwhelm and remember that I can’t solve, or even understand all the world’s problems and instead I come into connection with the people around me. I become curious about how they feel and what they need. Through this is enough complexity to fill a lifetime. The Ripple Effect What if our greatest challenge isn't solving complexity, but learning to dance with it? The most vibrant ecosystems, the most resilient communities, and the most profound connections all thrive not despite complexity, but because of it. My experience is that if I embrace the complexities first in myself, then in the local group around me, then things ripple out from there. I don't have to fix all of the world, but just connect and create, right where I am. If you'd like to come and explore this concept come to Touch&Play, or any of the Group works that I do. I do this work because I want to share and enjoy the complexity of myself and others, together,   Image: Finding a moment of peace is easier outside in beautiful places (Pixabay)
Modern life is noisy, both on an external level and also internally. From the moment we wake up, we’re pulled into a rush of to-do lists, notifications and measured performance. In a world that moves like this, we need to be careful that not every moment is swallowed up in the whirlpool of activity. Sometimes, it is vital to cherish the smaller pauses, as they can be the most powerful. What is a micro moment? A micro-moment is exactly what it sounds like; just a few moments of calm, quiet intention in an otherwise busy day. These pauses don’t call for a yoga mat, a quiet room, or a full meditation session. They’re short, accessible, and can be surprisingly effective at getting you back in the mindspace you need to be in. Moments of slowing down These are the moments for you to take a breath, stretch your arms, feel the ground beneath your feet for a moment, and signal to your brain: It’s OK, you’re fine, you can slow down for a minute. For many people, building small rituals into the natural transitions of the day can make all the difference. The minute to pause before you check your email. That brief liminal space between finishing lunch and heading back to your desk. The couple of minutes you wait while the kettle is boiling. These are all opportunities to ground yourself, tune in to how your body is feeling and listen to what your mind is saying. Keep it micro What’s important is that these moments aren’t about perfection or absolute calm. They’re about consistency. A micro-moment can be as simple as closing your eyes for ten seconds, or choosing to walk or drink water instead of scrolling on your phone. You can use the tiny moments to sit quietly, light a candle, vape, sip tea, read a book, play a game, or scribble a few thoughts on paper. These gestures may be brief - indeed, that’s the point - but they build a stronger connection to a peaceful, present place, and they add up. In some ways it's important to keep them micro - to not let them become addiction, but instead serve as a way of soothing our nervous system. Individual Self Expression Remember- do what works for you. Some people use breathing prompts: in for four, hold for four, then out for four. Others have a box of things that are good for the senses, with scents or textures that make them feel grounded. Even if your micro moment is sometimes seen by others as strange or unhealthy - you know you best. Often the stress of conforming to society's ideas of 'healthy coping strategies' can lead to more problems than if you just allowed yourself a micro bit of cake every now and then. Helping Our Relationships Taking micro-moments isn’t just good for you and your mind, either: it’s great for relationships. When you take moments to self-regulate and connect with yourself again, you’re less likely to carry tension into conversations where it doesn’t belong. Even counting to ten before replying to a text can change the tone of an entire interaction. When our relationships are less stressful and more easeful life is much better. Choice, not chore As important as all of the above is, it’s also important not to view these moments as obligatory, another thing to add to the to-do list. It’s about exploiting the moments that already exist. Taking the chance to let peace slip into your day and, before long, it becomes something you can do without even thinking about it. When you start to see these moments and take advantage, they become the canvas for your everyday life. My Micro Moments For me - I love to take a micro walk. I do it 4 or 5 times a day. It helps me when I'm stressed. It gives me a place to express emotion and it reminds me of the wider, natural, beautiful world, thus changing my perspective and my internal state. My challenge to you is to reflect - what mindful moments help you and how could you do more, not as a chore, but as a fun, loving, wonderful way, today? If you'd like help with this let me know. I love helping people connect with themselves and finding more confidence and peace by using tools like micro moment.
First it's important to understand the theory of:
Three Emotion Regulation Systems
1. Overactivation of the Drive System + Threat System What happens: In modern life, many people overuse the Drive System to escape uncomfortable feelings triggered by the Threat System. For example: feeling not good enough (Threat) → overworking to achieve success (Drive) → brief reward → burnout, anxiety, or shame when goals are not met → back to Threat. How it feels:
A person constantly works late to avoid feelings of failure. The temporary high of achievement masks deeper insecurities, but when praise or results stop, the Threat System reactivates with shame or fear. 2. Underdevelopment of the Soothe System What happens: When the Soothe System is weak (common in people with trauma, neglect, or high-pressure environments), there’s no “emotional brake.” You can get stuck swinging between Threat and Drive, with no inner safety or contentment. How it feels:
Example: Someone tries to meditate but feels anxious or like they’re “wasting time” — because they don’t yet know how to feel safe doing nothing or being compassionate to themselves. 3. Threat Hijacks Both Systems What happens: The Threat System can hijack both Drive and Soothe: It turns Drive into compulsive striving. It blocks Soothe with fear of vulnerability (“If I relax, I’ll lose control or fail”). How it feels:
How to Find Balance Among the Three Systems ✅ 1. Build Awareness of the Three Modes
In Summary:
I help people with this 1:1 and in relationships and in groups. I run Building Secure Attachments a few times a year to equip people with the skills and tools to do just this. We all know just how much hard work goes into maintaining a healthy mind and body. Healthy habits take consistency, and it’s very easy to see a fitness routine and/or healthy diet go awry. And that means achieving good health can be an uphill battle, leaving you feeling exhausted and like you’re always a step behind where you should be. Well, I recommend these books "The Lazy Guru" and "How To Get What You Want Without Trying". (Although Stephen's book about Urban Warrior is better, but this title fits with this blog) You could say it's enlightened to have a big healthy dose of lazy in your life. I think there are ways to take some of this hard work out of the equation. Making good health more accessible is the best way to keep you on the right track with health goals, and that’s something we can help you with using the tips down below.  Pexels Image - CC0 Licence
Stephen Russell’s Barefoot Doctor’s Handbook for the Urban Warrior is a guide to navigating modern life with Taoist wisdom, energy practices, and mindset shifts. Here are five key lessons from the book:
Alongside this... Join a Support Group You’re not alone in trying to achieve better health for yourself. There are going to be many others in your own neighbourhood or town that are trying to do the same. Because of that, it’s worth looking into a local health support group, whether you’re trying to work on a mental health goal or a physical one. You can also get some support from people qualified to provide it, such as PTs that work at your local gym, or counsellors who have an office in your town center. The first step will always be asking for help, and the second is being confident enough to take it. Noninvasive Procedures There are plenty of noninvasive health procedures on the medical market, many of which can be more beneficial for you than the more traditional forms of surgery. Doing your research into such treatments, and how you can access them, can make dealing with your health a much more approachable, low stress subject. Dentistry is a good example of a medical field in which there are many noninvasive offerings. Say you’d like to get your teeth straightened; don’t resign yourself to an operation. Instead, look into clinics like Surbiton Dental, who can offer much more comfortable, long term ways to create the uniform smile you’re after. This is often far more beneficial on your long term oral health, and can prevent mental health worries stemming from a fear of invasive dental work. Set One Goal at a Time Don’t overwhelm yourself. If you want to achieve something for your health, make sure you're only working toward one goal at a time. Otherwise you’re likely to make the work far too hard and far too exhausting, and that’s never going to get you anywhere. Even if you feel like you need to put in 110%, don’t make yourself. You’re not going to give your all every single day, and it would be unrealistic to expect that from yourself. Those of us with busy jobs, busy lives, and little to no free time are often put on the back foot, and setting a goal you’ll never complete will only compound the misery you can feel around that. Don’t make good health harder than it needs to be. Work toward your own with support, clarity, and confidence. Enjoy Remember that laughter is the best medicine, and its free. Use music, movement, humour and laughter to enjoy life and let it flow. Big love Neil  Giving and Receiving Feedback Graciously with "I want A RANT" tool was inspired by my time working at Embodied Love festival with Bear Philips. Bear's sub stack details their 'A RANT' tool and I've built upon that to help people in festivals, or in life, to give and receive feedback well. This is a vital skill in playing and working together harmoniously. We have to be able to have ruptures if we are to live authentically and therefore we need the ability to repair them by giving and receiving feedback graciously. I want A RANT: Intention, Request, Appreciate + Acknowledge, Needed (for repair), Time (to heal)
Have a go for yourself. It's much better than bottling it up and holding resentment. It's also nice to receive feedback as a gift, because it makes you feel great and much more resilient. Good luck! Overwhelmed or mentally drained? Then you're not alone. The constant noise of daily life can take a toll on your mental clarity as well as your emotional balance. Mindfulness is a simple, practical way to reset your mind and feel more in control.  Image sourced from Pixabay
Let's have a look at some of the mindfulness techniques that will help you improve your mental well-being. 1. Focused Breathing This is the easiest way to start: sit still, close your eyes, and focus only on your breathing. Inhale slowly through your nose, then exhale through your mouth. Count to four each way and do this for five minutes. If your thoughts start to wander, then bring them back to your breath each time. This works well because it shifts your mind away from stress and brings you into the present moment. 2. Body Scan Meditation This helps you to reconnect with how your body feels, especially if you are ignoring any signals for stress. Lie down or sit comfortably and start at your toes, mentally scanning each part of your body all the way up to your head. If you notice any tightness, pain, or tension, breathe into those areas and start to release. Use an app or an audio guide to help walk you through the process. It might take a little bit of practice to get this right, but once you can do it, it can be a really calming method. 3. Meditation with Supplements Daily meditation builds focus and mental clarity, adding targeted support and boosting the effects. For example, a high-purity LGD4 solution may support cognitive sharpness and improve concentration during mindfulness sessions. Clear focus makes it much easier for you to stay present, especially if you are struggling with any distractions or have a racing mind. Start with just 10 minutes a day, and pick a quiet space. Sit with your back straight and upright, focusing on your breath, a word, or a calming sound. CBD oil can be beneficial too. 4. Mindful Walking Turn a daily walk into something that is a mindful practice. Leave your phone at home and walk slowly, paying attention to the ground under your feet. Notice all of your surroundings, including sounds, trees, and the wind on your face, as this is a brilliant way for you to unwind after work or during a midday break. If you ever feel pressured, overwhelmed, or stressed, head out, even just for ten minutes; it may start to make you feel better. 5. Journaling Your Thoughts Take five minutes a day to write whatever is on your mind down in a notebook. No structure is needed; just let it flow out freely. How are you feeling right now? Is there anything that you are grateful for? What did you notice during your meditation or your walk? Doing this helps to clear your mental clutter and interact with emotional atoms over time. Finally You don't need to spend hours or buy special equipment; you can just start. Pick one of these techniques and try it today. Even doing five minutes can help to shift your mindset. If you are feeling more clear-headed and focused, start with consistent small actions. Which technique are you going to try first? OR... if you feel resistance... can you note that down - what is the mind saying? Even this is a mindfulness technique!!  Kirtan Kriya (which is pronounced KEER-tun KREE-a) is a type of meditation from the Kundalini yoga tradition that my partner has been exploring and so I thought I'd write a blog about it. It's a singing exercise, as it involves singing the sounds: "Saa Taa Naa Maa" along with repetitive finger movements, or mudras. It is non-religious and can be adapted to several lengths, but practicing it for just 12 minutes a day has been shown to reduce stress levels and increase activity in areas of the brain that are central to memory. What does it all mean? In Sanskrit, a kirtan is a song, and kriya refers to a specific set of movements. In the Eastern tradition, kriyas are used to help bring the body, mind and emotions into balance to enable healing. The mantra that is repeated while practicing Kirtan Kriya is designed to be uplifting. The sounds come from the mantra ‘Sat Nam’, which means “my true essence’. From an Eastern perspective it is believed that the placement of the tongue on the roof of the mouth while making these sounds stimulates 84 acupuncture points on the upper palate., which may cause a bio-chemical transformation in the brain. I haven't yet found clinical research, but I've heard that utilizing the fingertip position in conjunction with the sounds enhances blood flow to particular areas in the motor-sensory part of the brain and that practicing Kirtan Kriya for just 12 minutes a day can improve cognition and activate parts of the brain that are central to memory. Can we replace the Kirtan Kriya sounds with other sounds or tasks? Who knows - but it's all about the meaning we imbue to the words, so if you have no meaning - ro 'emotional content' it is likely it won't be as effective. How do you practice Kirtan Kriya?
Below is a YouTube video of the practice - enjoy.  David Wolfe walks in wearing an 80’s style grey suit, a thick striped tie, round spectacles and black socks. He certainly doesn’t fit with the modern idea of a personal development teacher, who nowadays tend to be strangely young, trendy and with fantastic Instagram profiles, David doesn’t even own a smartphone. The advertising in advance was somewhat dated and also vague, so as I begin this 4-day workshop (each day 9am to 8pm) I begin to wonder… what have I let myself in for? Then David begins to talk and he doesn’t stop for about 2 hours! IRRITATION TO INSPIRATION I’ve done a lot of ‘personal development’ workshops and so I’ve cultivated a kind of ‘BS detector’ and perhaps even some snobbishness towards facilitators. Unless they show me that they walk their talk and deliver with a degree of skill and vulnerability / genuineness then I get irritated or I switch off. I also hate when facilitators begin a workshop with ‘talking at’ participants for a long time. 2 hours was, for me, an insane amount of time… but it worked… I didn’t switch off… Instead I became intensely present. David began the seminar by talking about his understanding of spirituality through the use of metaphor and story. Things I’ve heard before but I enjoyed the reminders. Also the resonance in David’s voice that rang true. “We are spiritual beings having a human experience. You are the driver of the car, not the car.” 100% RESPONSIBLE - IT'S ALL A CHOICE, IF WE REVEAL OUR RACKETS AND WITHOLDS I’ve made an agreement to not share the specifics of the exercises, but I will say they are clever, skilful, revealing and wonderful. I really appreciated on day one the space to receive feedback about how we listened and explore what comes up for us as we do empathy practices. I appreciated, on day 2, exploring our victim mindsets and the ‘rackets’ we run in our lives. I enjoyed, on day 3, learning how to ‘pull the weeds’ and communicate our rackets and make a solid commitment to living in total responsibility of our choices and in full presence. Ultimately it's realising that we are creating our experience, through often unconscious choices. When we make them more conscious we can change the choices and the experience. PULLING THE WEEDS EXAMPLE For example I shared with someone: "I'm noticing that when I'm wanting you to be quieter I'm not saying anything to you and just disengaging. I'm realising you remind me of my brother in these instances. The pay off for me is avoiding potential conflict and upholding an image that I'm OK, when in fact I'm holding resentment and harming our relationship. I value our friendship and so I care enough to let you know and I commit to being upfront and sharing if I have an issue." This was an incredible experience of enriching the relationship and mutual healing. If I chose to do this more often I think life would be easier, richer and more connected. TIREDNESS CAN HELP Each day of the seminar I got more and more tired, and I had a cold, and in a way this helped me drop my defences. On day one I was the class clown and by day three I was opening up more vulnerably and noticing how I use the clown to deflect seriousness. By the end of the seminar I was feeling deeply spiritually connected to myself and others, and to my mission. BE-DO-HAVE I came away from the seminar with a wonderful goal of cultivating love and appreciation in my life. I’ve been tracking this daily and rating it out of 10. It’s now a week since the course and I’m averaging 9 out of 10. I’ve learned to speak my goal as if it is complete and get into the feeling of having it: “It’s 14th January 2026 and as I look back over my records and I see I have an average of 8/10 in my loving and appreciation scores for 80 percent of my year”. We did a wonderful piece around how to overcome the obstacles to the goals, personified by people in the group and now I have some wonderful visual images in my mind, linked to the goal; of one person playing the role of cynicism “This is BS!”, another as images of sexy women “Ohhh look at me Neil!”, and the final one as my smartphone “beep!”. These images and hilarious times will stay with me and help me achieve my goals. EXCITED ABOUT LIFE I’m really excited about doing the advanced seminar in the future. Seeing David himself in the UK is rare, so I'm not surprised that some of my colleagues stayed on to do the advanced seminar (7 days) straight away. Full on! Personally, I was full. I took the sovereign choice to come away and return home to rest and digest and to be with my partner. She and I have just finished some brilliant DIY teamwork with my partner and we also worked through some of our relationship challenges by using the communication skills I’ve learned on the course, resulting in some wonderful crying and connection. DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH DESERVE FULL PRESENCE I am writing this blog now as some of my friends finish the advanced course. I attended their graduation. They each shine, as diamonds, sharing their hearts and experiences. In fact the fundamental premise of the course is that we are all diamonds, simply obscured by some dirt. The process of clearing the dirt and the weeds is a process of presence. When anyone gets up to talk and share David says the same thing “Let’s give (person’s name) our full presence, our full presence.” This simple genius is to keep repeating the practice of presence, which reinforces that we are all so worthy of this full attention and it is so powerful to give and receive it. As I move forward I will be taking this away and commit to using my full presence in my life and shining as the diamond that I am and helping others to connect to and express their inner diamond, or ‘true self’.   Ahh my second attempt at the Goenka 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat... I was so excited and nervous. 10 years ago I had such a mind blowing time (read about it here) and this time I wanted to stay the full 10 days as a dopamine detox, an opportunity to practice self care and to tend to my mind and body. It was the final step in my three pronged approach to coming away from cynicism and back to love. So it may surprise you to hear that I left at the end of day 5, once again! Here is what happened and why it's changed my mind about Goenka... INTENTIONS I've heard and read about some horror stories of people having mental breakdowns at Vipassana, or not integrating well back into society, people accidently harming their bodies trying to sit still and pushing themselves too much (including a close friend of mine) and also some stories of people being indoctrinated into the lifestyle of working harder and harder for many years, to their later regret. With this knowledge I chose set an intention to go easy on myself, practice loving mindsets and exercises, which would also involve bending the rules slightly; to allow myself to journal, as I felt this would enhance my experience. I also brought a book on mindfulness (Wherever You Go, There You Are, by JKZ) so I could read in the evening before bed. Finally I threw in massage oil, an exercise mat and my massage balls. I wanted a slightly adapted retreat that allowed me to connect to my my goals whilst doing the meditations. A BAD START Day one was awful. I forgot how irritating I find Goenka with his guttural chanting every single day and the evening discourses of nonsense, endless bad analogies, reiterating of the rules, telling us how miserable life is and how ‘true’ liberation can only be found here. The insistence of the scientific and objective nature of it all and the reiteration “you can only experience it for yourself, but only if you follow all the rules scrupulously”. Whilst I suspect he is right I felt a lot of resistance. After a tiring day of sitting uncomfortably and meditating I laid down in my dorm bed ready to sleep when the loudest snoring I’ve ever heard, or even thought possible, began just beyond the curtain in the next cubicle. Sleep deprived I entered into day 2 but found I enjoyed meditation time. This is the one saving grace for me - I like to meditate, which is something I do daily and have done for 12 years. I just subscribe to a sense of taking your time and accepting ourselves with love, instead of thrashing ourselves in some self-defeating pursuit of enlightenment. THE GOENKA BRAIN WASHING - PART OF THE CULT OF CHASING ENLIGHTENMENT Zooming out for a moment - I think the world has many ideological cults of self harm in the name of self improvement and in my opinion spiritual teachers like Goenka epitomise that. I don't think his intentions bad, he certainly wasn't asking for lots of money, but he did become extremely famous and vanity is a powerfully dark motivator. The real trick is ideological. Once you've done a Vipassana you're hooked into the ideology and, like a cult, you seek to propagate it to buttress your own beliefs. Many Goenka disciples spend many months serving at the courses and maintaining the retreat centres, all of them are sitting in meditation many hours a day and hoping to achieve the next level of liberation, or 'enlightenment'. This can occupy years of their lives, often making it difficult to do things that might bring healthy balance, like relationships, dance, creativity, learning. I know people who've done this and told me they were very depressed in that time. IS IT A CULT? Not really. They're not extorting money, but they are creating some subtle manipulations that force people to think that they NEED to do this stuff to be liberated. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to upskill ourselves, but there is a limit to healthy and balanced self improvement and then I think there is a global cult of self improvement, which I felt Goenka neatly falls into. Here are the definitions of a cult (source):
Never in your life, you’ll hear the word misery so many times in a span of a few days, irrespective of whether you are going through hardships in life or not. They create the notion that life is a misery and they also give you the answer." - Meillind Parsoya GOENKA PSYCHOLOGY I know a lot of my dislike of Goenka is my own 'Sankhara' - my own personal patterns, including an addictive craving of fun stimulus. Yet still I find many of the ways of silly rules, pointless repetitions and clever use of story and metaphor somewhat psychologically manipulative. The discourses are particularly full of dogma and they are always in the evening, when people are tired and suggestable. Of course isolated in 'noble silence' and not to write anything down, so it is very difficult to question or discuss anything. This article goes even deeper into the psychology at play but here are some highlights:
BREAKING THE RULES Back to my story - On the evening of day 2 I snuck out to my car and grabbed my phone and Bluetooth earbuds, mainly to allow me to sleep. From then on I broke more and more rules. I stayed in bed until 6:30am, to miss the 4:30am meditation. I did my own exercise, self massage and read my book to reflect and take care of myself. I even snuck a bowl of the daily lunch away to (hide in my room, so I could eat a proper meal at 5pm. In the meditation hall I hid my earbuds under my hat so that, as he continued chanting and chattering away, I could have music or an audiobook. I also chose to leave the site (not allowed) each lunchtime for long walks, so I could exercise properly and also so I could sing! I really enjoyed these times and found restricting my voice for so long quite upsetting. It was all very deceptive, which felt fun, exhilarating, but not in alignment with a mindfulness practice at all. I was growing more concerned that I'd shot myself in the foot and was not really giving this retreat a proper go. LEAVING The reason I did the course is to meditate. I love meditation. But Goenka spends 3 days focusing on one spot (nose breathing) and then the rest of the time doing quick body scans, over and over and over. No visualising or using mantras allowed. Plus the dogma, plus the silly rules and silence... I found this intolerable, so I did my own 'loving kindness' meditations focused on all my fellows struggling around me. I also did my style of body scanning, gratitude practice and body visualisations. My meditations are usually 15 minutes, or 30 minutes at most, whereas Goenka asks us to sit for up to 2 hrs sometimes. I was really enjoying the varied meditations, but didn't like the deceptions. Clearly I was on another path and I began to doubt if being here was a good idea. I realised that with all the rules I was breaking I way out of integrity and not getting benefit from Goenka's style. I have a fear of being perceived as a failure, which would be a purely egoic reason to stay, so I decided to face my fear and fail hard. I decided I should just go home, to my beautiful partner, house and food and practice my own way there. What a failure! ;) MY WAY As I reflect I can see I wasn’t really up for the Goenka style and I don't trust his techniques and perhaps I'm just not capable enough or ready yet. But I believe there are many paths to fulfilment in life and many ways to enjoy meditation and mindfulness. I know of other retreat centres that are more humble and more open minded and I also remember I can meditate perfectly well at home. Today I did a lovely 15 minutes meditation and gratitude practice to connect and settle mind and body and I went for a run and did some lovely stretching and exercising whilst listening to the seminal audiobook ‘Breathe’ by James Nestor. I love this - I don’t have to go through 5 more days of deception or listening to nonsense. I can just enjoy life as it is, right now. It’s not all miserable Mr Goenka and I don’t need your style of Vipassana to be liberated. I'm also aware that I may not be ready for what he's offering and perhaps I might be in the future able to tune into the essence of the practice, which I think is good. SUMMARY I want to add some big appreciation to the managers, teachers and servers at the retreat centre. It’s an amazing place and I still think there is so much in what they offer, but if you go it is essential that you are already somewhat grounded mentally and physically. If you follow the rules it’s a lot of time with just you and your mind, with no one to help you process or emote. I think it's likely you'll come to one of three conclusions:
   The diagram here and below represents a roadmaps for healing using EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This is part of the AIP (Adaptive Information Processing Model)
The overall goals are to decrease your sensitivity to triggers and severity of resulting symptoms (depression, anxiety, guilt, anger, negative beliefs or self-image) and improve and increase your internal resources, self-image and window of tolerance. It is often used to treat PTSD and other traumas. Modern thinking is that most of our ailments stem from childhood trauma, so this could be applicable to everyone. Look at this EMDR Formulation tool PDF for a great way to understand this. My EMDR Therapy Experience My therapist helped me map out my three main core wounds. We did this after several weeks in the preperation stage, and we formulated a core mother wound and a core father wound, which resulted in unique triggers, belief systems and symptoms. It's very personal so I won't reveal it all, but being able to stand back from all that and see how things have formed allowed me to also consider what resources and resilience I have and consider my goals as we moved into the phase ' Protocol Of Stabilisation' and 'P5' installing more resilience to gradually help me to become more able to 'be with' challenges and less reactive, but also to spot my reactions sooner and have useful methods to come back into balance. My Humorous Adaptation Of The Model I've adapted the Formulation tool here to make it easier to understand, using acronyms (of course). I like to see things with humour to help me feel lightness and positivity even about traumatic things. This model isn't all of the work. The relationship between counsellor and client is still paramount as in the person centred model (which is the foundation of most counselling modalities) but this can help a person who, like me, finds it helpful to see the formulation of ones symptoms with clarity and form a roadmap towards their goals:
Most of the work is in the preparation and planning Like going on a serious journey, it's so important to be well prepared. For example my one of my DIY jobs at home was painting a room and I'll tell you that 80% of the work was prep. Painting was the easy bit, made easier by good prep . If we take that analogy into therapy it means the first several session are the most important - gaining the history of the client and understanding and mapping out the Target TEMPs, PMTs, BS and PISS and build up RnR and aim at the G with a rough plan of action It's not just about the tools! This formulation approach isn't for everyone but I really like it . The POS part is especially interesting as it uses b-lateral stimulation to help calm the nervous system as trigger memories are discussed. This is mind blowing how it can work, but again it's not just about the technique, but about the prep and the therapeutic relationship - these are key. If you resonate with the therapist I think this is most important. Tools are useless if not used well. If you'd like some help with working through your issues contact me here.  I know that you know this and its often difficult to change....
Ruminating on your mistakes, holding onto the past, and allowing yourself to keep repeating negative behaviours or actions can impact your mental health and your direction in life. To effectively break free, learn from your mistakes, and move forward, it takes time, patience (to allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them), and perseverance (to keep trying and not give up) to master. Embracing this journey is a significant step if you find yourself in a repetitive cycle of mistakes. It's a journey of hope, a journey of growth, and a journey towards a better version of yourself. I actually ENCOURGE people to make mistakes in my Rejection Therapy and I teach people how to create connection from mistakes in my group workshops. "Every mistake is an opportunity" So, how do you learn from your mistakes and forge ahead with a new path and new life for yourself? Acknowledge Mistakes Instead of brushing it under the carpet or pretending it didn't happen or you didn't do it, admit when you've made a mistake. This act of acknowledging your mistakes is not a sign of weakness but a powerful step towards self-improvement. Apologising means you admit to making the mistake, you are owning up to it, and you regret it. All are important aspects of learning from your mistakes and a valuable tool for self-improvement. I teach people how and why to say SORRY in my BSA course. Get Feedback The people around you, either on the sidelines or involved in their mistakes, can be the best people to lean on when it comes to learning from your mistakes. Their feedback is not just about hearing what you want to hear. It's about opening your mind to new perspectives, behaviours, and ways of thinking that can help you make fewer future mistakes. This support system is crucial in your journey of self-improvement. Feedback is not just about hearing what you want to hear. It's about opening your mind to new perspectives, behaviours, and ways of thinking that can help you make fewer future mistakes. Remember, when asking for feedback, you need to be able to take it and use it constructively. Don't get upset if the feedback isn't what you want to hear; simply take heed and look at how you can make changes and work on improvements. Take Consequences Every action is going to have a consequence. Sometimes it will be a good one, other times not so great. Making mistakes will most definitely have consequences, and the severity of the mistake will be dependent on the mistake you make. If it's something serious involving you breaking the law, then your consequences will be more serious, i.e. a drug offence can create significant consequences you need to deal with, such as fines, a criminal record, jail time, loss of employment, etc. A mistake like spending too much money can lead to fewer necessities, hard times, and the inability to live your life as you want to until you earn more money. Identify Lessons Mistakes can show you where you need to improve your skills or education. It can also teach you how to be more mindful of others or teach you that you need to be moralistic. Finding the lessons, noting them, and paying attention to what you need to know or do can help you learn from your mistakes and become a better person. Ask for Help Help can come in many different ways. Mistakes carry different results and require different types of input depending on the type of mistake and the consequences of what occurred. When moving forward and making the appropriate changes, getting help and support from family and friends might be enough for you. You might find support from your employer is a better route to take, or support from a lawyer, doctor or therapist will be better for you. Identify the help on offer for the chances you need to make, then ask for it and use it to your advantage. Develop A Growth Mindset It's not about being perfect; it's about being better. And being better means you need to grow as a person to help you keep striving for better in your life. A growth mindset is part and parcel of learning and personal development. It will help you see the lessons you need to make and improve as you go. Embracing a growth mindset will fill your journey with optimism and possibilities. So allow yourself to make mistakes, learn from them, grow and connect. If you'd like help with how to do this 1:1 please contact me.  It’s time to stop being ashamed of your mental health and to start making some changes to the way that you live. We understand that there are times where it’s hard to talk about how you are feeling and the struggles that you are facing in your mind, but that shouldn’t stop you. Just because something is difficult, doesn’t mean that it’s not worth doing, you know? Being ashamed of mental health is an idea that we’ve created as a society for some reason, we now encourage you to break that mold. In this article, we’re going to be taking a look at some of the ways that you can do this, so read on to find out more.
Don’t Punish Yourself While this one should be obvious, you should not be punishing yourself for struggling with your mental health. Society may have decided that this is a normal way to behave, pushing down your struggles and feeling ashamed of yourself for having them in the first place, but it isn’t. You need to tell yourself that it’s okay to feel however you feel, and it’s about how you react that will be the most important thing. Too many people spend time taking their frustrations and anger out on themselves, and it isn’t fair. You have enough to deal with, without trying to punish yourself for feeling ill. You wouldn’t punish yourself for a broken leg, would you? Be Honest It’s also important that you are being honest as best you can about how you are feeling. Whether you want to talk to a professional, whether you want to talk to someone that you know and love, or whether you just want to write it all down in a journal, all of these options are fine. As long as you are getting out everything inside of you that is eating you up, this is what is important. Some people find it difficult to express themselves through conversation, so you can do this in whatever medium you want. You can write a song, you can paint a picture, you can do whatever feels right to you, and helps you express what’s going on inside of your head. Try New Things In order to improve your mental health, we encourage you to be open to trying new things. Of course, you don’t have to be open to everything, but some things will work for you, others won't. But, you’re not going to know until you try! For example, a doctor may prescribe you medical cannabis if you are okay giving this a shot, where others may recommend something else. Sometimes trial and error is the only way to go, but never be ashamed to ask for the help that you need, no matter what form it comes in. At the end of the day, your health is your own and it’s not something that anyone else gets to have an opinion on. We need to stop being so concerned with what other people think of us for the way that we choose to live our lives and the way that we choose to take care of our health, because it’s nothing to do with them. If you can get into this mindset, you will be so much better off for it, we can promise you that. If You Need Help, Seek Help We understand that there is still a stigma surrounding mental health and that this has led to people avoiding reaching out for help even though they needed this, and that is simply not okay. You should be able to ask for help when you know that you need it, and others around you should be able to suggest help for your mental health without making you feel ashamed. Help for your mental health can come in all kinds of ways, such as therapy, addiction treatment, group sessions just to share, and so much more. It’s not a bad thing to need help, as we all need a little help sometimes. If you'd like help improving your mental health with counselling and mindfulness just get in touch.  Being mindful is often linked with your mental well-being, but does it also affect your physical health? Mindfulness isn’t just about managing stress–it can also help with your physical health in a surprising number of ways that you might not think about. So let’s explore how mindfulness connects with physical health and the science behind it.
Mindfulness reduces stress and inflammation When the mind is calm, the body often follows suit. Stress can increase inflammation, which is linked to many health issues, including heart disease, arthritis, and digestive problems. Mindfulness helps reduce stress by calming the nervous system and decreasing cortisol levels, the body’s primary stress hormone. Lower cortisol means less inflammation, which can lead to fewer aches and pains, improved digestion, and a healthier heart. If you've explored various pain management options and consulted with osteopaths about your pain, yet still find yourself dealing with long-term discomfort, look into how mindfulness and meditation could help you. Channelling your thinking elsewhere can help you to learn how to detach your mind from your body. Practicing mindfulness encourages the body to relax, which helps the muscles release tension, improves blood circulation, and promotes healing. For example, when people meditate or practice breathing exercises, their heart rate often slows down, giving the body a chance to rest and recover. A more relaxed body also tends to have stronger immune responses, meaning you’re less likely to get sick. It helps with sleep and energy levels People who regularly practice mindfulness techniques, like meditation, often report sleeping better and feeling more refreshed during the day. Mindfulness helps calm racing thoughts that keep people awake at night, which is key to a restful sleep. When sleep quality improves, energy levels usually increase, helping people tackle daily tasks without feeling constantly tired or drained. Improved sleep helps repair: Deep sleep helps repair muscles, refreshes the mind, and balances hormones. This is why a functional medicine doctor might suggest mindfulness as part of a treatment plan for patients struggling with energy or fatigue. Mindfulness enhances heart health The heart benefits from mindfulness too. Studies have shown that mindfulness practices like meditation and deep breathing can lower blood pressure by promoting relaxation and reducing stress. Lower blood pressure means a lower risk of heart attacks and strokes, making mindfulness a powerful ally in heart health. Mindfulness also helps people make healthier choices, like eating balanced meals, avoiding smoking, and getting regular exercise–all of which support a healthy heart. When people become more aware of how their habits affect their health, they’re often more motivated to make positive changes that benefit both body and mind. It promotes a healthier immune system People who practice mindfulness regularly tend to get sick less often and have more energy, and this may be due to a stronger immune system. Studies show that mindfulness can boost the activity of the immune system, helping the body fight off infections and heal more quickly from illness or injury. A healthy immune system is vital for overall wellness and can protect against illnesses like the flu, colds, and even chronic diseases. This immune boost may happen because mindfulness reduces stress hormones, which can weaken immune function when they’re too high. By managing stress through mindfulness, the immune system can work more effectively, keeping people healthier and more resilient. If you'd like help improving health, sleep and energy levels with mindfulness just get in touch.  I'll preface this with a BIG caveat. All of the following is my OPINION, which is not based in research., but on my experience and ideas. This may be different to your experience. I'm open to hearing about this in the comments below. Please be nice. I'm not trying to attack you or anyone's disability. I struggle with ADHD symptoms and I have felt the shame and blame around my struggle with focus, hyperactivity and distractibility for most of my life. This is a very comprehensive review of ADHD if you're interested ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Gabor Mate describes it a not heritable, nor an illness/ disease, but instead a stress response (from childhood) which results in neural pathways of:
Like Gabor, here are what I think are the causes of my ADHD: Stressed parents, chaotic childhood, bullying and bad teaching, a terrible diet and sedentary habits 1. Stressed parents. My parents were in a very tough situation when I was born. They both smoked and drank and they had relational issues. This meant I felt the stress even when in the womb, and certainly in my first few years of life, before memories formed. This leaves me with some physical symptoms that are somatic, but non verbal or image based. Our caregivers (usually parents, but could include other relatives, siblings and teachers) may have argued, been in poverty, been abusing substances or been the product of their own past traumas. They pass on stress, because as babies and toddlers we pick up on these cues of danger. Gabor mate talks about this here (with a really useful definition). If we have nowhere to go and we can't fight it off or change it we adapt to cope by scattering our attention. We become distracted as a survival / coping mechanism. This is complicated further by... 2. A chaotic childhood. My father was absent (working and providing) and when he was home he was often angry and there was a lot of shouting in my house. This was exacerbated by alcohol abuse. My older brother struggled at times which led to him being angry and often violent with me and I often didn't feel safe. This IS a type of prolonged trauma, which essentially gives children a level of CPTSD. Since I wasn't given many boundaries (as both parents were workaholics and very busy) then I needed something to feel safe and soothing. I adapted by retreating to my room - I watched lots of TV and later played computer games and around age 11 - porn . This fundamentally changed my brain and the way I interact with pleasure / dopamine. I used the wrong things to soother myself and get instant gratification, because I wasn't guided or supported to find better ways. Children are often overstimulated by the world they grow up in and they are not guided to learn to emotionally regulate. Not being given enough boundaries to make a solid morning and bedtime routine with regular sleep, quiet screen-free conditions, let alone any feelings of safety, consistency and unconditional love. If, like me, you were allowed to watch what you wanted, when you wanted, allowed to get way with staying up late and playing computer games, or even watching porn and lacking in emotional regulation then you increase your development of isolating ways of self soothing and a 'scattered mind'. Now if a child has access to their own device then screen based overstimulation becomes rampant, overloading the prefrontal cortex and conditioning the child to constantly seek more stimulation. This is further compounded by... 3. Bullying and bad teaching. This was awful for me, which meant I felt no safety at school or home for many years. My innocent early years were shattered by secondary school. I lived in a fantasy world to escape as no where else felt safe. If the school becomes a place of fear, boredom and a disorganised mind then its no wonder the mind gets trained into distraction. They mind will always adapt and work out ways to be OK enough, even if that means taking all the focus away from reality and living in a fantasy world of dissociation. This persists into adulthood. Also at school and home one can have... 4. A Terrible Diet: I'm blessed that my mum gave us a well balanced diet with home cooked food. However I was allowed far too many sweets. I had a mild biscuit addiction which lasted until I turned 30 I was getting feint and believe I had Prediabetes. I read 'The Easy Way to Quit Sugar' and I sorted it out, but it was tough. I'm also blessed to have a partner who understands nutrition and helps me eat less ultra processed food. I believe artificial 'food' substitutes, artificial colours, flavours and preservatives, along with ultra-processed ingredients and of course sugar compounds everything and changes the chemistry of the body to become accustomed to empty calories and therefore just seek more and more food. But not real, healthy, wholesome food, but the body is accustomed to cheap, substitute food, like chicken nuggets, sweets, white bread etc. This is also exacerbated by... 5. Sedentary habits: I was forced to sit down far too much at school and my home computer use made it worse again. I'm blessed to have discovered rock climbing and have a sporty mother who encouraged me out onto walks. Children are made to or encouraged to sit down way too much. The body needs to move, especially in children. They need to develop healthy habits around movement so they can grow good bones, muscles, tendons, cardiovascular health and brain health. It's all related to our familiarity with regular movement. If children sit in classrooms all day and then on computers, TVs or devices all evening then their bodies suffer and the brain doesn't develop properly. All these traumas, conditions and habits can set the foundation for adult life. ADHD is, I believe, a common outcome, especially now that we are all cyborgs. So what's the cure? Well if we put aside the genetic component (seeing as we cannot prove or do anything about this) and look at these factors we can try to give children healthy childhoods. (more below) Start with ourselves If you're an adult with ADHD, like me (thanks childhood) then you could try what I am trying to help yourself progress (not become perfect) into a calmer and more present and focused set of habits. 1. Learn to meditate. It's vital that you embrace boredom and reset your dopamine pathways to discover pleasure in more subtle things. Meditation is the best way to do this. Vipassana is the simplest way. A 10 day intense retreat is good, but you may want to prepare and warm up to it. It's a bit like running a marathon. Train first. 2. Fun movement. Find things that are fun. I like martial arts and frisbee and rock climbing. I can't just go to the gym or run - not enough dopamine. Find fun movement! I love to dance to great music. Find what works for you and build it into your routine. 3. Make a routine. Get good at bedtime and morning. Integrate movement and meditation into these. And do not use the devices in bed. Screen free mornings and bedtimes. Reduce screen time and notifications. Edit it right down to the bare minimum. 4. Sort out your addictions. Many ADHDers have them because that the result of the childhood stuff. Get yourself into a 12 or 10 step program of recovery (I did this and it's massive). And/Or... 5. Therapy / get help: Start. I recommend EMDR, somatic experiencing, parts work (IFS) or anything really. Just start to open up yourself to another human being and trust in a process of healthy recovery of your true nature so that you can understand where things went wrong and build in new healthy self-regulation and soothing practices with big dollops of compassion and clarity. Also in the UK get some help from 'Access To Work' - your disability deserves help. 6. Eat well. Stop buying crap and eat real food, with a healthy balance of colours and types. Personally I like a 50% meat/fish content. I also take supplements like creatine and vitamins. 7. Sort out your relationships: Isolation and social problems exacerbate everything. To help you here see a coach, go to workshops or couples counsellors. Start to have better friendships and better romantic, intimate and sexual connections. This may take time so finally... 8. Be kind to yourself. Whether or not you meditate, or even feel like you can meditate, practice kindness and compassion towards yourself. Then ADHD managed or un-managed is not such a terrible spectre looming over your shoulder. Patience, persistence and compassion are absolutely vital. This is where a life coach or self-help books can really help suffice your recovery with all lubricant and rocket fuel to make progress easier and faster. A book I read that I would highly recommend on ADHD is Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It by Gabor Mate I've improved my ADHD and you can too. Progress not perfection. If you do the work it works. If you'd like help talk to me and let's work together. And our children? None of this is easy and I'm only just a becoming a parent myself, so I know its full of guilt and impossible expectations. Ultimately we have to trust our instincts. I believe whatever we can do from this list will help. Progress not perfection. Here's my recommendations from seeing good parenting (by my partner):
Remember 'Progress not Perfection!' If you do the work it works. If you'd like help talk to me and let's work together.  Dealing with the aftermath of a significant loss can be one of the most challenging experiences life throws our way. While there is no simple roadmap for grief, there are ways to make the process of saying goodbye a little more manageable. In times like these, focusing on the practical aspects can create a sense of clarity when emotions are at their most turbulent.
Finding Comfort in Routine One of the first things you may notice in the days after a loss is how disorienting everything feels. Regular routines are disrupted, and there’s often a sense of being unmoored. That’s why re-establishing even small routines can be a powerful way to regain a sense of control. Whether it's something as simple as taking a morning walk or making your favorite cup of coffee, these moments can provide much-needed stability during times of uncertainty. Connecting with Your Support System As much as we might want to retreat into ourselves when facing grief, connecting with others is one of the most healing things we can do. Family and friends offer not just emotional support but practical assistance as well. Accepting help, whether it’s someone cooking you a meal or assisting with paperwork, can ease the load significantly. Even short conversations can provide comfort and perspective, helping you feel less isolated in your grief. The Power of Ceremony and Reflection Creating a moment to reflect, either alone or with loved ones, can offer a sense of closure. Whether it’s through a small personal gesture or a larger event, honoring the person you’ve lost provides an opportunity for healing. You may find it helpful to incorporate meaningful elements, such as music, favorite quotes, or even specific activities that connect to the individual’s passions. Small touches like these make the remembrance feel more intimate and personal. In such times, collaborating with a funeral director can also provide relief, as they are trained to guide you through the logistics and choices you may face. Their expertise allows you to focus on your own well-being and the memories of your loved one, rather than being overwhelmed by the details. Taking Time to Heal Healing from a loss doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t follow a strict timeline. Allow yourself to grieve in your own way and at your own pace. Some days will be harder than others, but finding moments of peace, whether through journaling, meditation, or quiet reflection, can help you process your emotions. Remember that it’s okay to seek professional support if you feel you need it, and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. In the end, managing grief is about finding what works for you, one day at a time. Whether it’s leaning on loved ones, creating small daily routines, or seeking outside guidance, every step you take helps you move forward while still cherishing the memories of the one you’ve lost. |
AuthorsNeil Morbey is a meditation teacher, group facilitator and inspiration guide for Positively-Mindful.com Blog Index
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