Contrary to the sound of it THE WORK is joyful and it feels great. Yes it is work, but in some ways this is the first narrative to change. Work is hard, bad, difficult is not true. That’s an old narrative. Work is joyfully challenging and feels great is a new narrative. Can we ever completely remove our old narratives and replace them in this way? This blog explores just that question. 

Byron Katie 
experienced a severe, decade-long battle with depression, agoraphobia, and self-loathing before experiencing a profound shift in her thinking in 1986. This shift, which she calls "awakening to reality," involved realizing that suffering stemmed from believing stressful thoughts, and that freedom came from questioning those thoughts. Prior to this, she had been living in a state of paranoia, rage, and suicidal ideation, often unable to leave her bed. Was this realization an overnight shift? HELL NO. But once the first narrative shifted (realising it was her thoughts, not her soul that was in error) then she began THE WORK and created a legacy that has helped millions of people. 

THE WORK
Consists of four questions and a turnaround. It invites us to be in the present moment, with a thought linked to a specific situation and to get curious about that thought. The end result can be that in the situation you get a DIS-CONFIRMING EXPERIENCE (Where the feeling state and outcome disconfirms the old belief) but also you add a few bricks to the new neural pathway. Do this many times over and the new pathway becomes a motorway. 

Will I get rid of the old neural pathway and pattern?
No, and you don’t want to. In England we have so many quaint old lanes, with grass growing in the middle of them. We didn’t destroy the old roads but instead they became less used, overgrown and now form part of the beauty of our countryside. In the same way your brain will maintain the old addictions, the old self-beliefs of shame and fear, but instead of those being the predominant patterns, they are more like old friends. You can have more choice about whether you go down them and more objectivity when you do, allowing you to reminisce or even find them beautiful. 

Parts analogy
Another way of thinking of these old patterns is like child-parts. The mini (or big) traumas of the past remain as upset children and their strategies for getting basic needs met. For example a bullied child has a need for feeling empowered and so alongside feelings of loneliness, shame and fear they develop a belief they need to be strong to be ok and then use strategies of aggression and arrogance. This child-part persists into adulthood, because it never received love and was never given a new job/strategy to meet the need. A strategy that is in alignment with the adult self. I call the beliefs and behaviours of the child-part SHADOW MISSIONS. They are the self sabotaging missions of the child-part that don’t align with how we want to be. The solution? Change the way we relate to these child-parts and give them new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving that align with the KIND WISE ADULT MISSIONS. 

How can we change the child-parts
It’s the same process as changing the neural pathways from old narratives into new updates paths and narratives. The only difference is we humanise it, which in my view is right and healthy. We see that we are not machines or roads or computers to be updated, but instead human beings, with vulnerabilities, emotions and deep senses of meaning. If we can being to relate to ourselves in this way, using re-parenting practices, journaling, therapy and creating disconfirming experiences in our real-life relationships then gradually we learn to love oeuvres, including all these child-parts. Then they don’t need to disappear, but instead become quieter, calmer and more aligned in their strategies with the adult self. 

The spiritual dimension
As well as being human many people believe we are also spiritual in nature, meaning we are bigger than just a body on a planet. Each person has their own belief around this and we can also explore this in coaching to build upon the beliefs in helpful ways. Let’s face it, people who believe in a compassionate god who is looking out for them and guiding them to be healthy members of society are generally happier and more functional. So as we explore these concepts we can actually tap into deep states of connection and spooky things can happen that can really test our assumptions of the physical world in ways that can be supportive for us and for the world. 

Deep coaching 
This is deep work and I believe that each person has their own path with it. My facilitation and coaching is not to tell people what is right or wrong, but to be alongside a person as they do the work, to hold their hand, to encourage them back on track when they falter and to enjoy the process with them. It’s a joy and privilege for me and I am lucky that I get to learn a lot from clients as we journey alongside one another. I called my business positively-mindful because that is the way I work. I focus positively - on what the client loves and wants, and I focus on mindfulness - being present with what is, with compassion and curiosity. 

If you’d like to do the deep work of coaching and develop yourself please get in touch here.

Big Love 
Neil 

​

When was the last time you fully embraced something you couldn't fully understand? Our instinct is to simplify, to reduce, to make manageable—but what might we discover if we open ourselves to complexity instead?

Touch&Play
I help run a festival each year: Touch&Play. This year's theme was inspired by observing the group dynamics and group play of last year’s events. Jamus, Daniel and I contemplated How can we embrace the complexity inherent in group interactions—whether through play, dance, or touch?

Intention Drives Growth 
As with last year the theme can take a life of its own. In my own mind it has taken root, with some discomfort, I might add. I deliberately limit my exposure to world news partly because I see it as propaganda of cherry picked, biased, bad news which seems to make my suggestible mind lose faith in human nature. But the other reason is that the world is just so bloody complex. I found this quote: 

"Our society is complex, and we teach our students that they could just fix it. It's like: ‘go fix a military helicopter, and see how far you get with that’. You’re like a chimp with a wrench: Whack! “Oh look! It’s better!” It’s like: No! it’s not better…Things are complicated and to fix things is really hard! And you have to be like a golden tool to fix things. And you’re not! So… how do you overcome the suffering of life? Be a better person!... Well, that’s hard! It takes responsibility! I you said to someone: Do you want to have a meaningful life? Then… everything you do matters! Everything!" (Unknown) 

Overwhelm At The Problems In The World
I sometimes feel overwhelmed with life. I sometimes wake imagining what it would be like to have the power... to solve all the problems, to heal all the broken people, greedy dictators, psychopaths, gang members, human traffickers, rapists, bad parents, corrupt politicians… but then you realise the list goes on and on and on. And it includes me. I’m so utterly imperfect, greedy, selfish and like everyone else I might have good intentions but I don’t have the capacity to fully wrap my head around the complexity of all the issues. 

Ethics
Even if I extract one societal issue, like say ‘the ethics and practices of consent’ (which is something I teach on). Well it quickly becomes so vastly complex with grey areas that require consideration of nuance and context that I cannot make hard and fast rules completely. This is why Touch&Play have gone through many iterations of consent models, including enthusiastic consent, ‘messy’ consent, sovereign choice, trauma informed consent… The problem is ongoing and complex. And that is one problem in a pile of billions, each of them subtly interconnected. 

So how then do I embrace complexity and live well, without becoming overwhelmed? 
I’ve been reading ‘Humankind: A Hopeful History’ by R Bregman and what I love about it is that it cuts through the propaganda we are drip fed daily - that human beings are selfish and greedy. Instead it looks at the accurate data throughout history to see a brighter perspective; we are mostly good and descent. When crisis happens we come together and help one another. Sure, we have rotten apples, traumatised people, challenges and problems, but if you dig in to the human heart you find a core of care and compassion. People want to do good. Yes the ideology of what ‘good’ means may be different from person to person, and in different ideological groups, but if we can hold faith that the human being primarily wants to do good we can come back to life, as it really is. 

Careful With What You Input
So many movies, news stories, TV shows and literature portray humans as the opposite. Like we are fundamentally bad and we have a thin veneer of society on top, keeping us in line. Movies like Batman - where the Joker is described: “some men just want to see the world burn”. The scary thing to me is that narratives like this create and fuel ideologies. They make us believe it’s true! Then we act on those beliefs! The book cites example after example where humans were being good, but then the news reports incited violence, because people ‘thought’ that other people were being bad. It’s so simple it boils my blood with anger. 

Connection With Our Own Depths
So one thing that I feel we need in this post truth age, more than anything is the ability to discern BS, lies, fake media, propaganda for what it is - clickbait, attention seeking nonsense. To do this incredibly difficult thing we need a stronger connection to reality as it really is. How do we do that? Connect with people. Connect with ourselves. Practice mindfulness - the art of being a curious observer of thoughts, feelings, sensations and of the world around us. Stop watching the news and instead sit down and think, research, talk to real people who have really been there. A variety of people. And finally to stop thinking we can solve all the world’s problems and kidding ourselves that we even understand them and instead focus on one or two problems at a time - mostly within our own locality. 

Slow Down, Ground. Come Down To The Bedrock Of Reality
We need to build ourselves up from a bedrock of reality. From this place right here and right now. A bit like Zorro Circles - the idea that you need to master your small circles first and then expand out from there. Embracing complexity means slowing down, zooming in and coming to things mindfully and compassionately. Acknowledge our ignorance and learn to discern truth through this process. For me, this is relaxing and calming. I relax the feelings of overwhelm and remember that I can’t solve, or even understand all the world’s problems and instead I come into connection with the people around me. I become curious about how they feel and what they need. Through this is enough complexity to fill a lifetime.

The Ripple Effect
What if our greatest challenge isn't solving complexity, but learning to dance with it? The most vibrant ecosystems, the most resilient communities, and the most profound connections all thrive not despite complexity, but because of it. My experience is that if I embrace the complexities first in myself, then in the local group around me, then things ripple out from there. I don't have to fix all of the world, but just connect and create, right where I am. 

If you'd like to come and explore this concept come to Touch&Play, or any of the Group works that I do. I do this work because I want to share and enjoy the complexity of myself and others, together, ​

Image: Finding a moment of peace is easier outside in beautiful places (Pixabay)

Modern life is noisy, both on an external level and also internally.
From the moment we wake up, we’re pulled into a rush of to-do lists, notifications and measured performance. In a world that moves like this, we need to be careful that not every moment is swallowed up in the whirlpool of activity. Sometimes, it is vital to cherish the smaller pauses, as they can be the most powerful.

What is a micro moment?
A micro-moment is exactly what it sounds like; just a few moments of calm, quiet intention in an otherwise busy day. These pauses don’t call for a yoga mat, a quiet room, or a full meditation session. They’re short, accessible, and can be surprisingly effective at getting you back in the mindspace you need to be in.

Moments of slowing down
These are the moments for you to take a breath, stretch your arms, feel the ground beneath your feet for a moment, and signal to your brain: It’s OK, you’re fine, you can slow down for a minute. For many people, building small rituals into the natural transitions of the day can make all the difference. The minute to pause before you check your email. That brief liminal space between finishing lunch and heading back to your desk. The couple of minutes you wait while the kettle is boiling. These are all opportunities to ground yourself, tune in to how your body is feeling and listen to what your mind is saying.

Keep it micro
What’s important is that these moments aren’t about perfection or absolute calm. They’re about consistency. A micro-moment can be as simple as closing your eyes for ten seconds, or choosing to walk or drink water instead of scrolling on your phone. You can use the tiny moments to sit quietly, light a candle, vape, sip tea, read a book, play a game, or scribble a few thoughts on paper. These gestures may be brief - indeed, that’s the point - but they build a stronger connection to a peaceful, present place, and they add up. In some ways it's important to keep them micro - to not let them become addiction, but instead serve as a way of soothing our nervous system. 

Individual Self Expression
Remember- do what works for you. Some people use breathing prompts: in for four, hold for four, then out for four. Others have a box of things that are good for the senses, with scents or textures that make them feel grounded. Even if your micro moment is sometimes seen by others as strange or unhealthy -  you know you best.  Often the stress of conforming to society's ideas of 'healthy coping strategies' can lead to more problems than if you just allowed yourself a micro bit of cake every now and then. 

Helping Our Relationships
Taking micro-moments isn’t just good for you and your mind, either: it’s great for relationships. When you take moments to self-regulate and connect with yourself again, you’re less likely to carry tension into conversations where it doesn’t belong. Even counting to ten before replying to a text can change the tone of an entire interaction. When our relationships are less stressful and more easeful life is much better. 

Choice, not chore
As important as all of the above is, it’s also important not to view these moments as obligatory, another thing to add to the to-do list. It’s about exploiting the moments that already exist. Taking the chance to let peace slip into your day and, before long, it becomes something you can do without even thinking about it. When you start to see these moments and take advantage, they become the canvas for your everyday life.

My Micro Moments
​For me - I love to take a micro walk. I do it 4 or 5 times a day. It helps me when I'm stressed. It gives me a place to express emotion and it reminds me of the wider, natural, beautiful world, thus changing my perspective and my internal state. My challenge to you is to reflect - what mindful moments help you and how could you do more, not as a chore, but as a fun, loving, wonderful way, today?

If you'd like help with this let me know. I love helping people connect with themselves and finding more confidence and peace by using tools like micro moment. 

  First it's important to understand the theory of: 

Three Emotion Regulation Systems

1. Threat System
   It's so important to detect threats - but remember this is activated by 'perceived' dangers (not necessarily REAL danger), triggering emotions like anxiety, anger, or shame. It prepares the body for "fight, flight, or freeze" responses. While essential for survival, chronic activation can lead to heightened stress and emotional dysregulation. We are living in a world filled with propaganda, bad news and 'misinformation'. If its not Hollywood movies then it is excerpts of short videos that don't tell the truth, but sure do a good job at pretending to. 
   
   
2. Drive System
   We all intrinsically want to grow, learn, create and relate. We are motivated to pursue goals and rewards, this system elicits feelings of excitement and pleasure. However, overreliance on achievement for self-worth can result in burnout and dissatisfaction. We also have to ask ourselves 'why am I pursuing these things? Is it REALLY important to me? If not, what is important to me?' We are surrounded by Hollywood sterotypes, adverts, propaganda and external pressures that can be confusing. What is your true self driven towards?
   
   
3. Soothe System
   When Harry Harlow studied baby monkeys he realised they NEEDED soothing as much as food. A sense of calm, safety, and contentment that the Soothing System provides is essential in regulating the other two systems. It is nurtured through self-compassion and supportive relationships. Unfortunately, individuals with histories of trauma or neglect may find this system underdeveloped or difficult to access. Plus we live in a world filled with macho propaganda, glorified violence and we still alienate vulnerability in our culture. 
   
   

How They Interact Problematically

1. Overactivation of the Drive System + Threat System

What happens:
In modern life, many people overuse the Drive System to escape uncomfortable feelings triggered by the Threat System. For example: feeling not good enough (Threat) → overworking to achieve success (Drive) → brief reward → burnout, anxiety, or shame when goals are not met → back to Threat.

How it feels:

• Restlessness, chronic dissatisfaction, anxiety, low self-worth.
• “I must achieve to be safe/loved” mindset.
  
  

​ Example:
A person constantly works late to avoid feelings of failure. The temporary high of achievement masks deeper insecurities, but when praise or results stop, the Threat System reactivates with shame or fear.

2. Underdevelopment of the Soothe System

What happens:
When the Soothe System is weak (common in people with trauma, neglect, or high-pressure environments), there’s no “emotional brake.”
You can get stuck swinging between Threat and Drive, with no inner safety or contentment.

How it feels:

• Exhaustion, inner harshness, inability to relax,
• inability to self-comfort or accept kindness.

Example:
Someone tries to meditate but feels anxious or like they’re “wasting time” — because they don’t yet know how to feel safe doing nothing or being compassionate to themselves.

3. Threat Hijacks Both Systems

What happens:
The Threat System can hijack both Drive and Soothe:
It turns Drive into compulsive striving.
It blocks Soothe with fear of vulnerability (“If I relax, I’ll lose control or fail”).

How it feels:

• Always on edge. Even joyful or restful moments are short-lived or feel unsafe.
• Internal critical voice often dominates (a function of the Threat System).

How to Find Balance Among the Three Systems

✅ 1. Build Awareness of the Three Modes

• Start labeling which system you're in: "Am I chasing something (Drive)? Avoiding something (Threat)? Or nurturing myself (Soothe)?
• This creates space between feeling and reaction.
  
  
  

✅ 2. Strengthen the Soothe System Daily

• Not easy if you haven't been shown compassion, but... 
• Regular self-soothing practices: warm baths, calming breathwork, time in nature, self-compassion meditations.
• Practicing loving-kindness or compassion-focused therapy techniques helps rewire the brain to feel safe and cared for.
  
  

✅ 3. Use Soothing to Regulate the Other Two

• Not easy when you haven't been shown how, but...
• When you notice yourself stuck in Drive or Threat:
• Pause and activate the Soothe System.
• Even 30 seconds of slow breathing with one hand on the heart can reset your state.
  
  

✅ 4. Set Boundaries with the Drive System

• Not easy, especially with ADHD and other conditions, but..
• Recognize when you're using goals or tasks to avoid feelings.
• Choose "values-based" actions over "achievement-based" actions to avoid burnout.
  
  

✅ 5. Reframe the Inner Critic

• Not easy if your critic is well embedded, but...
• Realize the inner critic is part of the Threat System trying to protect you.
• Respond with compassion instead of aggression or shame. E.g., “I hear you’re scared. I’ve got this.”
  
  

✅ 6. Balance Drive with Soothe-Based Success

• Pair goal-chasing with restorative practices. E.g., pursue your goals but also schedule time for joyful, unproductive rest.
• Success is more sustainable when grounded in a calm, secure base.
  
  

✅ 7. Therapeutic Support

• Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) or Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) are great for reshaping these systems.
• Especially helpful for developing a functional Soothe System in those with trauma or attachment wound

 In Summary:

• When Threat and Drive dominate, we suffer from anxiety, burnout, and disconnection.
• The Soothe System is not optional — it's essential.
• The goal isn’t to turn off Threat or Drive, but to balance them with the Soothe System, so we can pursue goals with peace, face fear with self-kindness, and feel safe in our own minds.

I help people with this 1:1 and in relationships and in groups. I run Building Secure Attachments a few times a year to equip people with the skills and tools to do just this. 

We all know just how much hard work goes into maintaining a healthy mind and body. Healthy habits take consistency, and it’s very easy to see a fitness routine and/or healthy diet go awry. And that means achieving good health can be an uphill battle, leaving you feeling exhausted and like you’re always a step behind where you should be. 

Well, I recommend these books "The Lazy Guru" and "How To Get What You Want Without Trying". (Although Stephen's book about Urban Warrior is better, but this title fits with this blog)

You could say  it's enlightened to have a big healthy dose of lazy in your life. I think there are ways to take some of this hard work out of the equation. Making good health more accessible is the best way to keep you on the right track with health goals, and that’s something we can help you with using the tips down below.  ​​​

Pexels Image - CC0 Licence
​Stephen Russell’s Barefoot Doctor’s Handbook for the Urban Warrior is a guide to navigating modern life with Taoist wisdom, energy practices, and mindset shifts. Here are five key lessons from the book:

1. Go with the Flow (Wu Wei) – Russell emphasizes the Taoist principle of Wu Wei, which means effortless action or flowing with life rather than resisting it. By trusting the natural course of events and adapting, you can reduce stress and find greater ease in daily life.
2. Master Your Energy (Chi Cultivation) – The book highlights the importance of managing your energy (chi) through breathing techniques, meditation, and movement (inspired by Tai Chi and Qigong). Strengthening your chi helps you stay balanced and resilient in a chaotic world.
3. Reframe Fear and Uncertainty – Fear is often just a mental construct. Russell encourages readers to shift their perception of challenges, seeing them as opportunities for growth rather than obstacles. By adjusting your mindset, you gain confidence and inner strength.
4. The Power of Playfulness – Life is not meant to be taken too seriously. A playful, lighthearted attitude helps you navigate difficulties with humor and creativity. Russell suggests using laughter and spontaneity to disarm negativity and keep your spirit buoyant.
5. Self-Healing and Autonomy – The Barefoot Doctor philosophy teaches that you have the power to heal yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. By tuning into your body’s wisdom, using self-massage, and practicing mindfulness, you can cultivate well-being without relying solely on external solutions.

Alongside this... 

Join a Support Group

You’re not alone in trying to achieve better health for yourself. There are going to be many others in your own neighbourhood or town that are trying to do the same. Because of that, it’s worth looking into a local health support group, whether you’re trying to work on a mental health goal or a physical one. 

You can also get some support from people qualified to provide it, such as PTs that work at your local gym, or counsellors who have an office in your town center. The first step will always be asking for help, and the second is being confident enough to take it. 

Noninvasive Procedures

There are plenty of noninvasive health procedures on the medical market, many of which can be more beneficial for you than the more traditional forms of surgery. Doing your research into such treatments, and how you can access them, can make dealing with your health a much more approachable, low stress subject. 

Dentistry is a good example of a medical field in which there are many noninvasive offerings. Say you’d like to get your teeth straightened; don’t resign yourself to an operation. Instead, look into clinics like Surbiton Dental, who can offer much more comfortable, long term ways to create the uniform smile you’re after. 

This is often far more beneficial on your long term oral health, and can prevent mental health worries stemming from a fear of invasive dental work.

Set One Goal at a Time

Don’t overwhelm yourself. If you want to achieve something for your health, make sure you're only working toward one goal at a time. Otherwise you’re likely to make the work far too hard and far too exhausting, and that’s never going to get you anywhere. 

Even if you feel like you need to put in 110%, don’t make yourself. You’re not going to give your all every single day, and it would be unrealistic to expect that from yourself. Those of us with busy jobs, busy lives, and little to no free time are often put on the back foot, and setting a goal you’ll never complete will only compound the misery you can feel around that. 

Don’t make good health harder than it needs to be. Work toward your own with support, clarity, and confidence.

Enjoy
​
Remember that laughter is the best medicine, and its free. Use music, movement, humour and laughter to enjoy life and let it flow. 

Big love
Neil 

Giving and Receiving Feedback Graciously with "I want A RANT" tool was inspired by my time working at Embodied Love festival with Bear Philips. Bear's sub stack details their 'A RANT' tool and I've built upon that to help people in festivals, or in life, to give and receive feedback well. This is a vital skill in playing and working together harmoniously. We have to be able to have ruptures if we are to live authentically and therefore we need the ability to repair them by giving and receiving feedback graciously. 

I want A RANT: Intention, Request, Appreciate + Acknowledge, Needed (for repair), Time (to heal)

• I want: INTENTION: Have the intention to rebuild trust with that person. We are all ultimately looking to be heard and understood so that we know we are seen, safe and secure.

So what we want to do, to help that intention come to fruition, is: 

• A: ASK: Ask for consent to offer feedback “Do you have a moment now / later to talk about something that came up for me, please?”
• R: RECEIVE, REFLECT, RECOGNISE: 
  • Receive the gift of feedback with “Thank You” This honours the vulnerable process of giving feedback and prevents us from going into a defensiveness. Take a pause. Honour the other. (The full version is “Thank you for caring enough to give me honest feedback about how it felt for you. I’ll carefully consider what you’ve said.”) Then 
  • Reflect back what you heard… “I hear that when I… you felt….” 
  • Recognize the impact as fully as you can.  “I can see how it caused…”
• N: NEEDED (for repair): Ask for what is needed or offer something to repair the rupture.
  Examples are:
  - reassurance that I’ll be more careful,
  - apology,
  - hugs,
  - another check in later.
• T: TIME (to heal)  Allow for time to pass before expecting it all to calm down.

​
Have a go for yourself. It's much better than bottling it up and holding resentment. It's also nice to receive feedback as a gift, because it makes you feel great and much more resilient. Good luck! 

Kirtan Kriya (which is pronounced KEER-tun KREE-a) is a type of meditation from the Kundalini yoga tradition that my partner has been exploring and so I thought I'd write a blog about it. 

It's a singing exercise, as it involves singing the sounds: "Saa Taa Naa Maa" along with repetitive finger movements, or mudras. It is non-religious and can be adapted to several lengths, but practicing it for just 12 minutes a day has been shown to reduce stress levels and increase activity in areas of the brain that are central to memory.

What does it all mean?
In Sanskrit, a kirtan is a song, and kriya refers to a specific set of movements. In the Eastern tradition, kriyas are used to help bring the body, mind and emotions into balance to enable healing. The mantra that is repeated while practicing Kirtan Kriya is designed to be uplifting. The sounds come from the mantra ‘Sat Nam’, which means “my true essence’. 
From an Eastern perspective it is believed that the placement of the tongue on the roof of the mouth while making these sounds stimulates 84 acupuncture points on the upper palate., which may cause a bio-chemical transformation in the brain.

I haven't yet found clinical research, but I've heard that utilizing the fingertip position in conjunction with the sounds enhances blood flow to particular areas in the motor-sensory part of the brain and that practicing Kirtan Kriya for just 12 minutes a day can improve cognition and activate parts of the brain that are central to memory. Can we replace the Kirtan Kriya sounds with other sounds or tasks? Who knows - but it's all about the meaning we imbue to the words, so if you have no meaning - ro 'emotional content' it is likely it won't be as effective.

How do you practice Kirtan Kriya?    

1. Repeat the Saa Taa Naa Maa sounds (or mantra) while sitting with your spine straight.
2. Your focus of concentration is imagining the sound flowing in through the top of your head and out the middle of your forehead (your third eye point) whilst changing between four finger positions:
   1. Saa: Index and thumb connected
   2. Taa: Middle finger and thumb connected
   3. Naa: Ring finger and thumb connected
   4. Maa: Pinky and thumb connected
3. For two minutes, sing in your normal voice.
4. For the next two minutes, sing in a whisper.
5. For the next four minutes, imagine saying the sound silently to yourself.
6. Then reverse the order, whispering for two minutes, and then out loud for two minutes, for a total of twelve minutes.
7. To end, inhale very deeply, stretch your hands above your head, and then bring them down slowly in a sweeping motion as you exhale.

Below is a YouTube video of the practice - enjoy.

Never in your life, you’ll hear the word misery so many times in a span of a few days, irrespective of whether you are going through hardships in life or not. They create the notion that life is a misery and they also give you the answer." -  Meillind Parsoya

GOENKA PSYCHOLOGY 
I know a lot of my dislike of Goenka is my own 'Sankhara' - my own personal patterns, including an addictive craving of fun stimulus. Yet still I find many of the ways of silly rules, pointless repetitions and clever use of story and metaphor somewhat psychologically manipulative. The  discourses are particularly full of dogma and they are always in the evening, when people are tired and suggestable. Of course isolated in 'noble silence' and not to write anything down, so it is very difficult to question or discuss anything. This article goes even deeper into the psychology at play but here are some highlights:

• He gains your trust by saying that you should question things. He later preaches that his technique is pure (unquestionable). 
• He makes fun of religious practices to both relate to those who are non-religious and to say that what he is doing is superior.  Paraphrased: 'Religions get away from what the original meaning of the teachings, but this technique is pure and doesn’t do that'. Ummm... ok. 
• He talks about the people who leave as being weak minded. Implies that we who stay are strong-minded and creates judgement towards those who leave. 

I perceived this 'brain washing' 10 years ago during my first attempt, but this time I wanted to check my doubts and try again and see if I could just ignore the cognitive dissonances and allow myself 10 days of meditation practice. 

BREAKING THE RULES
Back to my story - On the evening of day 2 I snuck out to my car and grabbed my phone and Bluetooth earbuds, mainly to allow me to sleep.  From then on I broke more and more rules. I  stayed in bed until 6:30am, to miss the 4:30am meditation. I did my own exercise, self massage and read my book to reflect and take care of myself. I even snuck a bowl of the daily lunch away to (hide in my room, so I could eat a proper meal at 5pm. 
In the meditation hall I hid my earbuds under my hat so that, as he continued chanting and chattering away, I could have music or an audiobook.
I also chose to leave the site (not allowed) each lunchtime for long walks, so I could exercise properly and also so I could sing! I really enjoyed these times and found restricting my voice for so long quite upsetting.   
It was all very deceptive, which felt fun, exhilarating, but not in alignment with a mindfulness practice at all. I was growing more concerned that I'd shot myself in the foot and was not really giving this retreat a proper go. 

LEAVING 
The reason I did the course is to meditate. I love meditation. But Goenka spends 3 days focusing on one spot (nose breathing) and then the rest of the time doing quick body scans, over and over and over. No visualising or using mantras allowed. Plus the dogma, plus the silly rules and silence... I found this intolerable, so I did my own 'loving kindness' meditations focused on all my fellows struggling around me. I also did my style of body scanning, gratitude practice and body visualisations. My meditations are usually 15 minutes, or 30 minutes at most, whereas Goenka asks us to sit for up to 2 hrs sometimes.  I was really enjoying the varied meditations, but didn't like the deceptions. Clearly I was on another path and I began to doubt if being here was a good idea.  I realised that with all the rules I was breaking I way out of integrity and not getting benefit from Goenka's style.
I have a fear of being perceived as a failure, which would be a purely egoic reason to stay, so I decided to face my fear and fail hard. I  decided I should  just go home, to my beautiful partner, house and food and practice my own way there. What a failure! ;)

MY WAY
As I reflect I can see I wasn’t really up for the Goenka style and I don't trust his techniques and perhaps I'm just not capable enough or ready yet. But I believe there are many paths to fulfilment in life and many ways to enjoy meditation and mindfulness.  I know of other retreat centres that are more humble and more open minded and I also remember I can meditate perfectly well at home.
Today I did a lovely 15 minutes meditation and gratitude practice to connect and settle mind and body and I went for a run and did some lovely stretching and exercising whilst listening to the seminal audiobook ‘Breathe’ by James Nestor.
I love this - I don’t have to go through 5 more days of deception or listening to nonsense. I can just enjoy life as it is, right now. It’s not all miserable Mr Goenka and I don’t need your style of Vipassana to be liberated.  I'm also aware that I may not be ready for what he's offering and perhaps I might be in the future able to tune into the essence of the practice, which I think is good.

SUMMARY
I want to add some big appreciation to the managers, teachers and servers at the retreat centre. It’s an amazing place and I still think there is so much in what they offer, but if you go it is essential that you are already somewhat grounded mentally and physically. If you follow the rules it’s a lot of time with just you and your mind, with no one to help you process or emote. I think it's likely you'll come to one of three conclusions:

1. Maybe he’s right and I’m wrong and go down that path, no matter how painful, horrible and sickening it is.
2. I just came here to meditate, so I can ignore all the nonsense and just do that.
3. I am sick of this nonsense, I’m leaving! 

I tried to do #1 and I tried to do #2, but in the end I’m settling on #3 - so I am off to enjoy my week of mindful activities, free to enjoy myself and meditate my way. I doubt I'll be back, but you never know. The cult of self-improvement and chasing enlightenment can be very convincing, especially when times are hard - so I'll have to remember three of my favourite spiritual teachers from the Lion King and their mantra: "Hakuna Matata" - it means no worries. 

The diagram here and below represents a roadmaps for healing using EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This is part of the AIP (Adaptive Information Processing Model)

The overall goals are to decrease your sensitivity to triggers and severity of resulting symptoms (depression, anxiety,  guilt, anger, negative beliefs or self-image) and improve and increase your internal resources, self-image and window of tolerance. It is often used to treat PTSD and other traumas. Modern thinking is that most of our ailments stem from childhood trauma, so this could be applicable to everyone.  Look at this EMDR Formulation tool PDF for a great way to understand this. 

My EMDR Therapy Experience 
My therapist helped me map out my three main core wounds. We did this after several weeks in the preperation stage, and we formulated a core mother wound and a core father wound, which resulted in unique triggers, belief systems and symptoms. It's very personal so I won't reveal it all, but being able to stand back from all that and see how things have formed allowed me to also consider what resources and resilience I have and consider my goals as we moved into the phase ' Protocol Of Stabilisation' and 'P5' installing more resilience to gradually help me to become more able to 'be with' challenges and less reactive, but also to spot my reactions sooner and have useful methods to come back into balance. 

My Humorous Adaptation Of The Model
I've  adapted the Formulation tool here to make it easier to understand, using acronyms (of course). I like to see things with humour to help me feel lightness and positivity even about traumatic things. This model isn't all of the work. The relationship between counsellor and client is still paramount as in the person centred model (which is the foundation of most counselling modalities) but this can help a person who, like me, finds it helpful to see the formulation of ones symptoms with clarity and form a roadmap towards their goals:

1. Traumatic Experiences and Memories of the Past  (TEMP) Through talking about the past and finding the emotional 'target' memories they are then rated on the 'Subjective Units of Disturbance Scale' (SUDS), from 0-10. The therapy doesn't start here, but these memories become apparent after a few sessions. 
2. Present Moment Triggers (PMT) Including Intrusions. This is the  beginning of the cycle of reactions that arise. This often becomes apparent in early sessions. 
3. Resilience and Resources (RnR). This could be grounding practices, joyful habits, but also psycho-spiritual imagination resources like a happy/calm place in your mind, or inner helpers (nurturer, protector, wise person). By building these up in advance you can prepare for challenges ahead. RnR is something we build on in later sessions. 
4. Belief Systems / Negative Cognitions (BS). We all have an inner narrative of beliefs which helped us to understand and survive the world of our childhood. Many of these are outdated, inner crate and unhelpful.  Eg. I am weak and pathetic, I need to always be strong and capable. Beliefs like this are useful sometimes, but become inflated and unbalanced leading to...
5. Protective Internal Symptoms and Strategies  (PISS).  The BS leads to behaviours, habits and feelings that are even more unhelpful and can create negative feedback loops and keep you stuck. Eg. Overworking, burning out, self criticism, shame, isolation... You can see how the unbalanced cognitions lead to unbalanced behaviour, which often triggers more painful emotions and deeper set strategies. We keep banging our head against the metaphoric wall!  Symptoms is usually what a client first notices and what brings them to therapy. It might be deep feelings  or behaviours. This is the starting point. 
6. Goals (G). We all need an aim. It's important to make some goals in therapy and this is reviewed at sessions 1, 6, 12, 18 and 24. However some clients may need more time and some may need less. We use the SUDS scale to determine success. 
7. Protocol Of Stabilisation (POS): Once we have that in place we begin the ‘protocol of stabilisation’, which can take between 4-6 sessions, where we use bilateral signals (tapping side to side, or similar with eye moments) as we utilise ‘installed resources’ to desensitize and reprogram your nervous system so that your window of tolerance gradually increases, and more calm, clarity and consciousness choice is possible.

Most of the work is in the preparation and planning 
Like going on a serious journey, it's so important to be well prepared. For example my one of my DIY jobs at home was painting a room and I'll tell you that 80% of the work was prep. Painting was the easy bit, made easier by good prep . If we take that analogy into therapy it means the first several session are the most important - gaining the history of the client and understanding and mapping out the Target TEMPs, PMTs, BS and PISS and build up RnR and aim at the G with a rough plan of action 

It's not just about the tools!
This formulation approach isn't for everyone but I really like it . The POS part is especially interesting as it uses b-lateral stimulation to help calm the nervous system as trigger memories are discussed. This is mind blowing how it can work, but again it's not just about the technique, but about the prep and the therapeutic relationship - these are key. If you resonate with the therapist I think this is most important. Tools are useless if not used well. 

If you'd like some help with working through your issues contact me here. 

I know that you know this and its often difficult to change....

​Ruminating on your mistakes, holding onto the past, and allowing yourself to keep repeating negative behaviours or actions can impact your mental health and your direction in life.  To effectively break free, learn from your mistakes, and move forward, it takes time, patience (to allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them), and perseverance (to keep trying and not give up) to master.

Embracing this journey is a significant step if you find yourself in a repetitive cycle of mistakes. It's a journey of hope, a journey of growth, and a journey towards a better version of yourself.

I actually ENCOURGE people to make mistakes in my Rejection Therapy  and I teach people how to create connection from mistakes in my group workshops. 

"Every mistake is an opportunity"

So, how do you learn from your mistakes and forge ahead with a new path and new life for yourself?

Acknowledge Mistakes
Instead of brushing it under the carpet or pretending it didn't happen or you didn't do it, admit when you've made a mistake. This act of acknowledging your mistakes is not a sign of weakness but a powerful step towards self-improvement. Apologising means you admit to making the mistake, you are owning up to it, and you regret it. All are important aspects of learning from your mistakes and a valuable tool for self-improvement.

I teach people how and why to say SORRY in my BSA course. 

Get Feedback
The people around you, either on the sidelines or involved in their mistakes, can be the best people to lean on when it comes to learning from your mistakes. Their feedback is not just about hearing what you want to hear. It's about opening your mind to new perspectives, behaviours, and ways of thinking that can help you make fewer future mistakes. This support system is crucial in your journey of self-improvement.

Feedback is not just about hearing what you want to hear. It's about opening your mind to new perspectives, behaviours, and ways of thinking that can help you make fewer future mistakes.

Remember, when asking for feedback, you need to be able to take it and use it constructively. Don't get upset if the feedback isn't what you want to hear; simply take heed and look at how you can make changes and work on improvements.

Take Consequences
Every action is going to have a consequence. Sometimes it will be a good one, other times not so great. Making mistakes will most definitely have consequences, and the severity of the mistake will be dependent on the mistake you make. If it's something serious involving you breaking the law, then your consequences will be more serious, i.e. a drug offence can create significant consequences you need to deal with, such as fines, a criminal record, jail time, loss of employment, etc. A mistake like spending too much money can lead to fewer necessities, hard times, and the inability to live your life as you want to until you earn more money.

Identify Lessons
Mistakes can show you where you need to improve your skills or education. It can also teach you how to be more mindful of others or teach you that you need to be moralistic. Finding the lessons, noting them, and paying attention to what you need to know or do can help you learn from your mistakes and become a better person.

Ask for Help
Help can come in many different ways. Mistakes carry different results and require different types of input depending on the type of mistake and the consequences of what occurred.  When moving forward and making the appropriate changes, getting help and support from family and friends might be enough for you. You might find support from your employer is a better route to take, or support from a lawyer, doctor or therapist will be better for you. Identify the help on offer for the chances you need to make, then ask for it and use it to your advantage.

Develop A Growth Mindset
It's not about being perfect; it's about being better. And being better means you need to grow as a person to help you keep striving for better in your life. A growth mindset is part and parcel of learning and personal development. It will help you see the lessons you need to make and improve as you go. Embracing a growth mindset will fill your journey with optimism and possibilities.

So allow yourself to make mistakes, learn from them, grow and connect. 

If you'd like help with how to do this 1:1 please contact me.

It’s time to stop being ashamed of your mental health and to start making some changes to the way that you live. We understand that there are times where it’s hard to talk about how you are feeling and the struggles that you are facing in your mind, but that shouldn’t stop you. Just because something is difficult, doesn’t mean that it’s not worth doing, you know? Being ashamed of mental health is an idea that we’ve created as a society for some reason, we now encourage you to break that mold. In this article, we’re going to be taking a look at some of the ways that you can do this, so read on to find out more.

Don’t Punish Yourself

While this one should be obvious, you should not be punishing yourself for struggling with your mental health. Society may have decided that this is a normal way to behave, pushing down your struggles and feeling ashamed of yourself for having them in the first place, but it isn’t. You need to tell yourself that it’s okay to feel however you feel, and it’s about how you react that will be the most important thing.

Too many people spend time taking their frustrations and anger out on themselves, and it isn’t fair. You have enough to deal with, without trying to punish yourself for feeling ill. You wouldn’t punish yourself for a broken leg, would you?

Be Honest

It’s also important that you are being honest as best you can about how you are feeling. Whether you want to talk to a professional, whether you want to talk to someone that you know and love, or whether you just want to write it all down in a journal, all of these options are fine. As long as you are getting out everything inside of you that is eating you up, this is what is important. 

Some people find it difficult to express themselves through conversation, so you can do this in whatever medium you want. You can write a song, you can paint a picture, you can do whatever feels right to you, and helps you express what’s going on inside of your head.

Try New Things

In order to improve your mental health, we encourage you to be open to trying new things. Of course, you don’t have to be open to everything, but some things will work for you, others won't. But, you’re not going to know until you try! For example, a doctor may prescribe you medical cannabis if you are okay giving this a shot, where others may recommend something else. Sometimes trial and error is the only way to go, but never be ashamed to ask for the help that you need, no matter what form it comes in.

At the end of the day, your health is your own and it’s not something that anyone else gets to have an opinion on. We need to stop being so concerned with what other people think of us for the way that we choose to live our lives and the way that we choose to take care of our health, because it’s nothing to do with them. If you can get into this mindset, you will be so much better off for it, we can promise you that.

​If you'd like help improving your mental health with counselling and mindfulness just get in touch. 

Being mindful is often linked with your mental well-being, but does it also affect your physical health? Mindfulness isn’t just about managing stress–it can also help with your physical health in a surprising number of ways that you might not think about. So let’s explore how mindfulness connects with physical health and the science behind it.
​
Mindfulness reduces stress and inflammation
When the mind is calm, the body often follows suit. Stress can increase inflammation, which is linked to many health issues, including heart disease, arthritis, and digestive problems. Mindfulness helps reduce stress by calming the nervous system and decreasing cortisol levels, the body’s primary stress hormone. Lower cortisol means less inflammation, which can lead to fewer aches and pains, improved digestion, and a healthier heart.

​If you've explored various pain management options and consulted with osteopaths about your pain, yet still find yourself dealing with long-term discomfort, look into how mindfulness and meditation could help you. Channelling your thinking elsewhere can help you to learn how to detach your mind from your body.

Practicing mindfulness encourages the body to relax, which helps the muscles release tension, improves blood circulation, and promotes healing. For example, when people meditate or practice breathing exercises, their heart rate often slows down, giving the body a chance to rest and recover. A more relaxed body also tends to have stronger immune responses, meaning you’re less likely to get sick.

It helps with sleep and energy levels
People who regularly practice mindfulness techniques, like meditation, often report sleeping better and feeling more refreshed during the day. Mindfulness helps calm racing thoughts that keep people awake at night, which is key to a restful sleep. When sleep quality improves, energy levels usually increase, helping people tackle daily tasks without feeling constantly tired or drained.

Improved sleep helps repair: Deep sleep helps repair muscles, refreshes the mind, and balances hormones. This is why a functional medicine doctor might suggest mindfulness as part of a treatment plan for patients struggling with energy or fatigue.

Mindfulness enhances heart health
The heart benefits from mindfulness too. Studies have shown that mindfulness practices like meditation and deep breathing can lower blood pressure by promoting relaxation and reducing stress. Lower blood pressure means a lower risk of heart attacks and strokes, making mindfulness a powerful ally in heart health.

Mindfulness also helps people make healthier choices, like eating balanced meals, avoiding smoking, and getting regular exercise–all of which support a healthy heart. When people become more aware of how their habits affect their health, they’re often more motivated to make positive changes that benefit both body and mind.

It promotes a healthier immune system
People who practice mindfulness regularly tend to get sick less often and have more energy, and this may be due to a stronger immune system. Studies show that mindfulness can boost the activity of the immune system, helping the body fight off infections and heal more quickly from illness or injury. A healthy immune system is vital for overall wellness and can protect against illnesses like the flu, colds, and even chronic diseases.

This immune boost may happen because mindfulness reduces stress hormones, which can weaken immune function when they’re too high. By managing stress through mindfulness, the immune system can work more effectively, keeping people healthier and more resilient.

​If you'd like help improving health, sleep and energy levels with mindfulness just get in touch. 

I'll preface this with a BIG caveat. All of the following is my OPINION, which is not based in research., but on my experience and ideas. This may be different to your experience. I'm open to hearing about this in the comments below. Please be nice. I'm not trying to attack you or anyone's disability. I struggle with ADHD symptoms and I have felt the shame and blame around my struggle with focus, hyperactivity and distractibility for most of my life. This is a very comprehensive review of ADHD if you're interested

ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Gabor Mate describes it a not heritable, nor an illness/ disease, but instead a stress response (from childhood) which results in neural pathways of: 

• Tuning out regularly
• Easily Distractible (when things are not fun / physical)
• Poor impulse control of the mind/body
• Hard to sit still / Fidgeting is common 

Like Gabor, here are what I think are the causes of my ADHD: Stressed parents, chaotic childhood, bullying and bad teaching, a terrible diet and sedentary habits 

1. Stressed parents. My parents were in a very tough situation when I was born. They both smoked and drank and they had relational issues.  This meant I felt the stress even when in the womb, and certainly in my first few years of life, before memories formed. This leaves me with some physical symptoms that are somatic, but non verbal or image based. 

Our caregivers (usually parents, but could include other relatives, siblings and teachers) may have argued, been in poverty, been abusing substances or been the product of their own past traumas. They pass on stress, because as babies and toddlers we pick up on these cues of danger. Gabor mate talks about this here (with a really useful definition). If we have nowhere to go and we can't fight it off or change it we adapt to cope by scattering our attention. We become distracted as a survival / coping mechanism. This is complicated further by...

2. A chaotic childhood. My father was absent (working and providing) and when he was home he was often angry and there was a lot of shouting in my house. This was exacerbated by alcohol abuse. My older brother struggled at times which led to him being angry and often violent with me and I often didn't feel safe. This IS a type of prolonged trauma, which essentially gives children a level of CPTSD.
Since I wasn't given many boundaries (as both parents were workaholics and very busy) then I needed something to feel safe and soothing. I adapted by retreating to my room - I watched lots of TV and later played computer games and around age 11 - porn . This fundamentally changed my brain and the way I interact with pleasure / dopamine. I used the wrong things to soother myself and get instant gratification, because I wasn't guided or supported to find better ways. 

Children are often overstimulated by the world they grow up in and they are not guided to learn to emotionally regulate. Not being given enough boundaries to make a solid morning and bedtime routine with regular sleep, quiet screen-free conditions, let alone any feelings of safety, consistency and unconditional love.

If, like me, you were allowed to watch what you wanted, when you wanted, allowed to get way with staying up late and playing computer games, or even watching porn and lacking in emotional regulation then you increase your development of isolating ways of self soothing and a 'scattered mind'. Now if a child has access to their own device then screen based overstimulation becomes rampant, overloading the prefrontal cortex and conditioning the child to constantly seek more stimulation. This is further compounded by...
 
3. Bullying and bad teaching. This was awful for me, which meant I felt no safety at school or home for many years. My innocent early years were shattered by secondary school.  I lived in a fantasy world to escape as no where else felt safe. 

If the school becomes a place of fear, boredom and a disorganised mind then its no wonder the mind gets trained into distraction. They mind will always adapt and work out ways to be OK enough, even if that means taking all the focus away from reality and living in a fantasy world of dissociation. This persists into adulthood.  Also at school and home one can have...

4. A Terrible Diet: I'm blessed that my mum gave us a well balanced diet with home cooked food. However I was allowed far too many sweets. I had a mild biscuit addiction which lasted until I turned 30 I was getting feint and believe I had Prediabetes. I read 'The Easy Way to Quit Sugar' and I sorted it out, but it was tough. I'm also blessed to have a partner who understands nutrition and helps me eat less ultra processed food. 

I believe artificial 'food' substitutes, artificial colours, flavours and preservatives, along with ultra-processed ingredients and of course sugar compounds everything and changes the chemistry of the body to become accustomed to empty calories and therefore just seek more and more food. But not real, healthy, wholesome food, but the body is accustomed to cheap, substitute food, like chicken nuggets, sweets, white bread etc. This is also exacerbated by...

5. Sedentary habits: I was forced to sit down far too much at school and my home computer use made it worse again. I'm blessed to have discovered rock climbing and have a sporty mother who encouraged me out onto walks.

Children are made to or encouraged to sit down way too much. The body needs to move, especially in children. They need to develop healthy habits around movement so they can grow good bones, muscles, tendons, cardiovascular health and brain health. It's all related to our familiarity with regular movement. If children sit in classrooms all day and then on computers, TVs or devices all evening then their bodies suffer and the brain doesn't develop properly. 

All these traumas, conditions and habits can set the foundation for adult life. ADHD is, I believe, a common outcome, especially now that we are all cyborgs. 

So what's the cure?

Well if we put aside the genetic component (seeing as we cannot prove or do anything about this) and look at these factors we can  try to give children healthy childhoods. (more below)

Start with ourselves

If you're an adult with ADHD, like me (thanks childhood) then you could try what I am trying to help yourself progress (not become perfect) into a calmer and more present and focused set of habits.

1. Learn to meditate. It's vital that you embrace boredom and reset your dopamine pathways to discover pleasure in more subtle things. Meditation is the best way to do this. Vipassana is the simplest way. A 10 day intense retreat is good, but you may want to prepare and warm up to it. It's a bit like running a marathon. Train first. 

2. Fun movement. Find things that are fun. I like martial arts and frisbee and rock climbing. I can't just go to the gym or run - not enough dopamine. Find fun movement! I love to dance to great music. Find what works for you and build it into your routine. 

3. Make a routine. Get good at bedtime and morning. Integrate movement and meditation into these. And do not use the devices in bed. Screen free mornings and bedtimes. 
Reduce screen time and notifications. Edit it right down to the bare minimum. 

4. Sort out your addictions. Many ADHDers have them because that the result of the childhood stuff. Get yourself into a 12 or 10 step program of recovery (I did this and it's massive). And/Or...

5. Therapy / get help: Start. I recommend EMDR, somatic experiencing, parts work (IFS) or anything really. Just start to open up yourself to another human being and trust in a process of healthy recovery of your true nature so that you can understand where things went wrong and build in new healthy self-regulation and soothing practices with big dollops of compassion and clarity. Also in the UK get some help from 'Access To Work' - your disability deserves help. 
​
6. Eat well. Stop buying crap and eat real food, with a healthy balance of colours and types. Personally I like a 50% meat/fish content. I also take supplements like creatine and vitamins. 

7. Sort out your relationships: Isolation and social problems exacerbate everything. To help you here see a coach, go to workshops or couples counsellors. Start to have better friendships and better romantic, intimate and sexual connections. This may take time so finally...

8. Be kind to yourself. Whether or not you meditate, or even feel like you can meditate, practice kindness and compassion towards yourself. Then ADHD managed or un-managed is not such a terrible spectre looming over your shoulder. Patience, persistence and compassion are absolutely vital. This is where a life coach or self-help books can really help suffice your recovery with all lubricant and rocket fuel to make progress easier and faster.  

A book I read that I would highly recommend on ADHD is Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It by Gabor Mate

I've improved my ADHD and you can too. Progress not perfection. If you do the work it works.  If you'd like help talk to me and let's work together. 

And our children?

None of this is easy and I'm only just a becoming a parent myself, so I know its full of guilt and impossible expectations. Ultimately we have to trust our instincts. I believe whatever we can do from this list will help. Progress not perfection. Here's my recommendations from seeing good parenting (by my partner): 

• Create and maintain stable routines with plenty of sleep.  Loving discipline and healthy boundaries are hard but important to maintain. 
• Consistency in the way we parent is vital. Control your anger and be consistent in your dealings. Explain things calmly. 
• Reduce stress in the home by dealing with issues in mature ways, without shouting or hitting one another. This models a safe haven. 
• Learn to help regulate children using calm voices, touch, reducing stimulation and calm rational explanations when children are 'activated'. 
• Keep children away from devices and even screens for as long as possible and help them to regulate screen time, up to age 12, if possible.
• Feed them real food, not too much, and a balance of colours and food types. Try and use fruit instead of sweets, as much as possible. Regulate the sweet intake and explain why you do this. Model it by doing it yourself. Everyone eats the same foods. This is tricky, so gentle and playful encouragement is needed at times (here comes the airplane!)
• Keep them moving and active. Even if they moan help them to remember that tiredness is a sign that the muscles are getting stronger. Go for walks, swims and dance together. Encourage movement activities like sports and dance. 
• Deal with bullying by checking in with the child regularly. Help them instead of letting them deal with it alone. Include the teachers and the bully's family. Even if you don't succeed the child will feel supported. 

Remember 'Progress not Perfection!' If you do the work it works.  If you'd like help talk to me and let's work together. 

Dealing with the aftermath of a significant loss can be one of the most challenging experiences life throws our way. While there is no simple roadmap for grief, there are ways to make the process of saying goodbye a little more manageable. In times like these, focusing on the practical aspects can create a sense of clarity when emotions are at their most turbulent. 

Finding Comfort in Routine
One of the first things you may notice in the days after a loss is how disorienting everything feels. Regular routines are disrupted, and there’s often a sense of being unmoored. That’s why re-establishing even small routines can be a powerful way to regain a sense of control. Whether it's something as simple as taking a morning walk or making your favorite cup of coffee, these moments can provide much-needed stability during times of uncertainty.

Connecting with Your Support System
As much as we might want to retreat into ourselves when facing grief, connecting with others is one of the most healing things we can do. Family and friends offer not just emotional support but practical assistance as well. Accepting help, whether it’s someone cooking you a meal or assisting with paperwork, can ease the load significantly. Even short conversations can provide comfort and perspective, helping you feel less isolated in your grief.

The Power of Ceremony and Reflection
Creating a moment to reflect, either alone or with loved ones, can offer a sense of closure. Whether it’s through a small personal gesture or a larger event, honoring the person you’ve lost provides an opportunity for healing. You may find it helpful to incorporate meaningful elements, such as music, favorite quotes, or even specific activities that connect to the individual’s passions. Small touches like these make the remembrance feel more intimate and personal.

In such times, collaborating with a funeral director can also provide relief, as they are trained to guide you through the logistics and choices you may face. Their expertise allows you to focus on your own well-being and the memories of your loved one, rather than being overwhelmed by the details.

Taking Time to Heal
Healing from a loss doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t follow a strict timeline. Allow yourself to grieve in your own way and at your own pace. Some days will be harder than others, but finding moments of peace, whether through journaling, meditation, or quiet reflection, can help you process your emotions. Remember that it’s okay to seek professional support if you feel you need it, and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.

In the end, managing grief is about finding what works for you, one day at a time. Whether it’s leaning on loved ones, creating small daily routines, or seeking outside guidance, every step you take helps you move forward while still cherishing the memories of the one you’ve lost.

​

For starters, turn down the FOMO by de-stimulating on the social media and other junk. Go have a dance instead! 

FOMO is the Fear Of Missing Out; a plague of the mind that is rooted in the fear of ‘not enough’. We all experience this, some more than others, based on your blueprint of life (handed to you by your upbringing and culture) but also by our personal practices. How much time do you spend scrolling screen media, fuelling comparison? 

JOMO is the antidote to JOMO - it is the Joy Of Missing Out.  It is a mental attitude that we can fuel by accepting that when I say yes to something I’m always saying no to something else and that is wonderful! It’s a celebration of our autonomy of choice. You can be the creator of your experience. The good news - NOW IS WOW! Take a look around and experience this moment - it’s amazing. You can have joy now, no need to wait, no need to regret past choices. This moment and this life is unfolding perfectly. 

This brand of positivity can quickly turn toxic.
To help you veer away from poisonous practices remember: 

• Fear is OK too - we don’t need to get rid of it. As Mark Manson points out - acceptance of a negative experience is itself a positive experience. 
• We can still experience Joy in our struggle - it’s normal to have some struggle If you cannot access joy then don’t fight that. Trying too hard to have a positive experience will create a more negative experience. 
• Therefore the challenge is to embrace what is, now. This moment. Become fascinated by the struggle, the boredom, the stress. Take some time off the work task or the phone and be with what is arising.

My Personal Practices
I’ve lived most of my life in FOMO, and I still do and I always will. Coming back to JOMO is a practice. The more I practice being here and now the less FOMO I feel. My personal practice includes:

• Morning routine of going out for a walk (no phone), coming back to work out (music / podcast, no messages), meditation, eating a nice breakfast, reading and writing and THEN I can check my phone 
• Making time for things I love - socialising, cuddling, sex, rock climbing - this is all spiritual practice! The biggest one for me is daily check-ins with friends. I also love to have DANCE BREAKS. Go put a song on and have a dance. Bonus if you dance with another human too!
• Therapy and coaching - receiving help from someone external and skilled helps me to remember the truth - I’m enough.  Book a 1:1 session with me here.

Underneath FOMO
At the core of FOMO is often a phenomenon called social comparison, which is rooted in that old ‘I’m not enough’ feeling. While we may have more tools than ever before to see into other people's lives, human beings have always felt this urge. In small quantities this is healthy - it fuels ambition.

In the 21st Century the barrage of updates showing everything you haven’t got can undermine your own sense of enoughness. Dealing with this quantity of FOMO fuel is the challenge of the modern era. The good news - the larger the challenge the bigger the growth! 

6 Habits That Increase JOMO

1. Meditate: Sit and listen for a minute - focusing on our senses, like the sound of the traffic - doesn’t it sound like the ocean. Let imagery come and go. Be here. Sit up straighter and enjoy. 
2.  Do one thing at a time: Stop multitasking. Put the phone away. Make a to-do list of three things, pick one and put a timer on for 15 minutes. 
3. Take 4 deep deep breaths. The body may need some simple biological regulation. Breathing helps, especially box breathing. 
4. Positive comparison = Gratitude. I’m crap at pure gratitude practice. Instead I imagine someone who is having a hard time and compare myself to them - instant gratitude flows!
5. Be with a friend: Be bold and ask them to listen and reflect what they heard you say, nothing more. Look into each other’s eyes. Share a hug. These things boost us because we are social animals. 
6. Go for a walk: Whether you listen to music or talk with someone, using your physical body to be in your present environment can be hugely connected to the here and now.

Additional tools
If you’re having trouble letting go of that feeling of obligation even after you unplug we can use mental tools like visualisation. I have a tool I call RE-ANCHOR - which helps me “play the tape” of my positive vision, over the negative imagery in my mind. Another version is to ask yourself “How would you feel if you stayed in? If you went out?” Imagining how you would feel can be a helpful indicator of when you need to lean in or lean out.

You can also experiment by doing 1 minute of something. Like: “OK I’ll just do a 1 minute walk” or “1 minute of my coursework”. The starting energy is always the trickiest bit. As I say in yoga / meditation practice: “The hardest move is rolling out the mat”.

I hope you have a joyful day. If you need more help come and talk. Book a 1:1 session with me here.

Big love
Neil

​PS.  Fire - it's so much better than TV / screens

HOW DOES MENTORING DIFFER FROM COACHING?
Coaching helps someone to 'get fit' whether in the business world or in relationship skills. Mentoring, however, is a learning relationship, and is generally focused on long term development. Personal growth, building skills, knowledge, and understanding is the main aim. Mentors may use coaching skills in their conversations, but a wider, more holistic approach, with more sessions and over a longer term allows deep connections and experiences to happen, often with mentor and mentee side-by-side. 

BECOME A MENTEE WITH NEIL
A Mentoring relationship is no small thing. If you think I can help you in your work, relationship or general life, by allowing me into your world and coming into mine then I'd love to talk to you. Email me here with your ideas. 

Finally a video about being a good mentor, which inspired this blog post:

Here is my personal example, which is a fascinating exercise to ty for yourself: 

My Privileges / Powers: 
- Cis Gender
- White
- Male
- Citizen of wealthy, democratic country
- Living where I grew up, close to family
- English speaking 
- Middle Class
- Uni Education 
- Slim
- Robust Mental Health 
- Mostly Able Bodied
- Mostly Hetero Sexual

My Marginalization:
- Kinky 
- Queer
- ADHD 
- Spinal disability 
- Polyamorous 
- Not much money
- No property (renting)
- No inheritance
- Solo lingual

Recognising this has been an incredible step for me. It opened my eyes to my privilege and  also areas where I have struggles. It makes me consider how to use my privilege well and also how I can ask for help or do some work to include those parts of me that society marginalises. 

2. Consider others around me. I talk about these struggles with people around me. I learn, via consideration and conversation, about the nuances of discrimination people face. I love doing this wherever I go. It feels lovely to see and acknowledge people's invisible struggles with love and care.  I think the positive change is that it helps include more people and spreads good feelings. 

3. In groups or 1:1 I try to prioritize the voices of marginalized people. This doesn't mean others voices are unwelcome or don't matter, it's just that we need to balance the power by slightly prioritising those with lived experience. I try to do this in my groups, which feels amazing and I think increases our social awareness. 

4. When planning events I consider the marginalized traits. I try to be clear in my communication about what the event includes for an how. Some events are not for everyone and its important to acknowledge that. I also try and make open events as inclusive as possible. I can do this by asking people about their needs and offering some accommodations, up front.  This creates positive change for people coming, but also sends a message to the world that we should work hard to include others and to be clear how. 

5. Collaboration in events: I strive to collaborate with people and/or provide resources for people from different communities, issue areas, and sectors to promote transformative change. This celebrates marginalized facilitators and includes more people in the world. 

6. If collecting data - I try to make sure that data collection does not overlook the experiences of individuals with intersectional identities by offering multiple choices and also an 'other' box.  This raises our real social awareness. You'll see this on my sign up forms. 

In the end intersectionality is an obvious concept, which I think we can all get behind, but I challenge you and myself to really consider HOW we can do this. I hope this post has inspired you. Feel free to comment how it has or if there are other practical suggestions for how to do this.

I hope to see you at one of my group workshops soon. 
Warm wishes
Neil

PS. 
I was inspired by this blog: https://opportunityagenda.org/messaging_reports/ten-tips-for-intersectionality/ 

As I work with clients I heartily encourage them to love themselves through caring for this incredible organism that they are. We are a body. You can enjoy the idea and feeling of being a spirit too, if you like, but what we know for sure is that this body is the thing that allows us to have a life, here and now, on this Earth. Unfortunately people (including me) sometimes feel that it is a drag 'having' to care for the body. It has all these constant 'needs' and gives us 'pain'. Yeesh! 

MINDSET
This mindset is understandable. We are all busy and important people and we lose sight of the truth of life. We get caught up in 'doing' so much that everything we 'do' becomes a means to an end - an obstacle to achieving our goals! 

GOALS!
This goal orientated way of being is great for getting shit done. The unfortunate side effect is that life things become chore-some, instead of awe-some. That sucks. Again, I find myself in this state sometimes - overly focused on the goals and neglecting my beautiful body. 

THE BODY FEELS FOR A REASON
When we remember that the body feels so good with self care we love to look after it. Stretching, exercise, eating well - all these things feel very easy.

When we also remember the Polyvagal theory we can really care for our body in a way that helps our underlying state. We have three states of reacting to the world - Parasympathetic (rest and disgust), Sympathetic (Threat activation or Fight/flight/Fawn) and Dorsal Vagal (overwhelm/ shut down - Freeze, Flop,) . With the awareness that these require responding with different ways of breathing, posture, movement, voice - upregulating  or downregulating and that these are skills and disciplines that take time and practice - this can be seen as a chore or a fantastic insight. The first thing I do is raise my awareness with a code word - a traffic light. If I realise I'm 'activated' I say 'amber' to myself and take a moment to slow down and regulate my nervous system.  When I say 'red' it's because I realise I'm feeling despondent and shut down, so I first do some activation movement and breath and then calm down to a 'Green' state. 

CHORE-SOME OR AWE-SOME
The chore-some mindset says "Oh jeez! I'm so broken, it's so much work, it's endless!" We all fall into this sometimes. 
The awe-some mindset says "Wow! I'm so adaptable, my body works so well, it's always growing and changing!"  This is the one I like to remember and practise. 

So I invite you today to meet your body with love and enjoy the incredible wisdom that is holds and communicates via feelings. If you need help with this let me know and come work with me 1-1 or in a group. 

Big love, 
Neil

PS. here is a video of Peter Levine loving his work of trauma healing