When people feel vulnerable the psyche creates a protector using our powerful EMOTIONS. Sometimes this gets out of hand and it becomes a sabotaging ‘panicked protector’ which inhibits rational thinking to prioritize the immediate safety and survival of the organism. 

In order for the panicked protector to calm down and allow a rational discussion, it must first feel a sense of safety. This is achieved by giving the vulnerable person space to share and be appreciated and acknowledged, feelings to be validated, respected and recognised before problem-solving or reconnection can happen.

I do this when dealing with any vulnerable moment in a relationship that I care for. It helps us feel heard, understood and loved. Then we can calm down and communicate openly and honestly. This can also be done SOLO as part of a therapeutic technique called Voice Dialogues (talking to yourself). See the bottom of this sheet for more information. 

Make it a habit to change your self-talk and your communication with others using

SAFER communication:

S: Space: Make space to slow down your speech and breath and listen fully to the other (or to yourself). Sharing openly won’t happen without making space for it. Practice mindful listening (80% of attention on them, 20% on your body and breath), no interruption). Fully allow space for anything that arises, whether it is emotional, challenging, repetitive, loud or quiet. For solo work, I give myself about 3 minutes to be heard. Key phrases here:

1. “I’m open if you would like to share”
2. “What’s moving in you right now?”
3. “How are you, really? I’d really like to know”
   
   

A: Acknowledge: Value this sharing. Always begin with“Thank you for sharing”. Take a breath and respond from your wise inner adult, repeating back what you heard, paraphrasing or summarising the important bits.

1. “Thank you for sharing”   
2. "I hear…”

​
F: Feelings: Respect the feelings. Focus on and validate whatever someone is feeling. Get into the feeling tone a little, with them Reflect the vibe of the emotion in your acknowledgements. If you are not sure what they are feeling try and guess. Connecting to yourself can help with this. What do you feel?

1. “I imagine you feel… (hurt,  angry, scared, sad, ashamed etc).... And that’s OK.
2. “I understand why you feel this way…I can relate…it makes complete sense.”
   
   

E: Empathic Exploration: Respect even more by inviting more empathic exploration. Give a little nudge of encouragement. Encourage the use of words like ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m proud’ or ‘you are doing great’ or ‘I’m so grateful you are sharing this with me’ and then exploration questions. Don’t make them judgemental. Make the questions open, without inferring they need to do more or are not enough. I like:

1. “Can you say some more?”
2. “I’d love to hear more.”
3. "That sounds hard and I wonder how it is for you"
   
   

R Respect: Celebrate efforts, awareness and achievements. When we are really seen in the struggles of our situation and how much we are doing and trying we feel so much better (and often emotions like grief pour out). When we are celebrated in our achievements we feel validated, appreciated and positive. Sometimes we resist these compliments, especially if we suffer 'imposter syndrome' but that's ok. The more we hear them the more we chip away at that armour.

1. I can really see how much you try and it's amazing.
2. You are managing so much right now. 
3. I love how you... (insert compliment - genuine noticing and celebration). I admire you/ am proud of you.

When you share, try and connect with how you feel. Slow down as much as you can. You can always ask them if they could acknowledge what you said and felt. After you have both shared you can begin a normal dialogue to problem solve or connect physically to create a loving connection. 

DRAMA and EMPATHY triangles
Below is my interpretation of the drama triangle and how it leads into the empathy triangle. The goal is to give empathy to the parts that are alive. When we do this they naturally come down the triangle, through vulnerability, like sand through an hour glass, and we value, respect and celebrate the person, leaving them feeling seen, appreciated and settled. To read more about my Drama/Empathy Triangles click here. ​​

As I worked with an anxious client I realised something: Most of my inner work and my work with clients is about unschooling us from the inaccurate and unhelpful narratives they have been indoctrinated into. We have all been brainwashed by well meaning adults before us. They were brainwashed too, it’s not their fault. It isn’t anyone's fault, but it is our responsibility. 

IT'S NO ONES FAULT - IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY
It’s my responsibility to notice when a thought is negative, that is to say, it depletes energy by arguing with reality. A negative thought is always inaccurate, wrong and untrue. It argues with facts because a part of me is too afraid to slow down and look at the truth of the situation, and because I have been schooled this way by so many people in my childhood and in my adulthood. Our culture is rife with poor quality education. An example from my life is that I was told I was lazy, so many times, and by so many people, especially key people (like Dad) that I started to believe it. In fact the whole concept of laziness is wrong. Laziness is healthy - it is a response to being tired. What most people call laziness is actually fear. We are laden with fearful thoughts and no one taught us how to manage that. In their own mis-education they just called us lazy.

THE TRUTH IS OK
The truth is simple. We are a happening, a process of continual change and sometimes that can be scary, because we are vulnerable organisms. Nothing is wrong with that. It’s all OK. It’s OK to be scared and for things to hurt and for change to be happening. Everything we ‘think’ on top of that is just thoughts, or ‘narrative’. These thoughts are powerful. They shape our experience. Some of them helpfully, others of them cause us to suffer. The key is to notice you are thinking and discern if it’s helpful or not and then to make a choice. 

MAKE A CHOICE
Decide. Do you want to be a slave to an unhelpful narrative? Do you want to be liberated by admitting the truth? This too is a process of gradual re-schooling, re-parenting, both to ourselves and to others. If we decide to follow the path of liberation then we are free to choose how to live. We begin to consider what is helpful and important -  principles to live by. We naturally find our way towards principles like kindness, honesty, trust, wisdom and corresponding behaviour like slowing down, rooting out bad habits and installing healthy habits and welcoming ourselves and others with love in our hearts. 

SUFERING IS ALSO OK
Or we choose to let our fearful thoughts take hold. This is the dark path, which is also part of the process. Stepping back we can see a perspective where this suffering is necessary in the grand scheme of things. As Eckhart Tolle said “We suffer until we realise that we don’t need to suffer any more.”

Vicious Cycles
Well we often make things worse through panic thinking. We imagine all sorts of terrible things that might happen, or that 'did' happen (but probably didn't happen the way we imagined). We compare ourselves, or our experience with the ideal image of who / what 'should' be. In doing this we suffer and it can be a vicious cycle of thinking and then amplifying the feeling, then amplifying the thinking... until eventually we burn out. 

Grounding
A better way is to practice something called grounding. If we were in a storm the safest thing to do is get low to the ground.  When people have a panic attack or feel unwell it's often a good idea to ask them to sit or lie on the ground, so they don't fall over and hurt themselves. These are analogies of a set of emotional techniques that help us to feel more safe and stabilize our emotional wobbles. I'll name a few here, which I use regularly. 

1. Deep breathing
The first is simple - focus on long, slow outbreaths. Science has shown s that this down regulates the nervous system helping us to feel calm. The important thing is long, slow and smooth breathing, with small gaps. Slowing down the breath slows down the mind. 
If you want a structure to follow you can look up box breathing or 7/11 breath or 4-7-8 breathing. I also like ocean breath and sighing with sound. Try them all and pick one. They all share the same quality - slower, smoother, deeper breathing, with pauses, primarily focused on the out breath. 

2. Describing things according to the senses
A good way to interrupt thought is to put our attention into our senses. I recently showed a way to do this when working for Marie Curie, to help people grieving. I use this when I work with people who are panicking. Slow down the breath and name 5 things you see, listen for 4 distinct sounds, smell 3 things, touch 2 things with your hands and finally bring the attention inside to feel one inner sensation/location, like the heartbeat.  This doesn't solve the external situation, but describing or being with the senses slows the mind and body down and regulate the nervous system, whilst also interrupting any negative thoughts. Now you can think more clearly. 

4. Meditation
This is a practice of the above - exploring our senses, but with a couple of extra layers. First we observe things for longer, and with a relaxed and relatively still posture, secondly we move closer and closer to the experience, with full allowing, acceptance and curosity, until there is no separation between I 'the observer' and that which is being observed. We become the body and let everything flow through us. This deep state of being can take time to cultivate and the key to it is non-striving, or allowing. If there is resistance, that's ok - be the resistance, inhabit it and allow it fully. The more curiosity we can practice the better, whilst also not reacting. This can cultivate a wonderful sense of openness and trust, gradually, over time. This is not a quick fix. 

5. Express it, talk to it, move it! 
This final tip might seem a bit odd, but for me it is part of my practice of re-parenting, fooling, parts work and self-love. Imagine these wobbles are parts of you popping up to protect you. They want listening to and so it's important to give them some space to express them. There are many ways you do this:

• Journaling
• Playing 'as them' for a few minutes (eg. be the grumpy part and let yourself complain)
• Singing or dancing the emotion -bring it into voice or movement (music is a helpful aid here)
• Bring love to this part by talking to it in a loving way - this involves acknowledging it, asking what it needs and giving it some reassurance. I find a loving chest rub is helpful here. 

When we explore these parts we often find vulnerable longings, hungers and needs underneath. Emotion is a powerful force and if we explore it we can often hardness its power to motivate us into action. This is intrinsic (internal) motivation, instead of extrinsic (external) motivation. Its the difference between an inner desire and yearning and wanting instead of wanting external approval or achievement. 

This final one often involves movement. They say action is the antidote to anxiety - which I find to often be true. Below is a picture of practicing a bit of Yoga in the sunshine. A great way to step out of our wobbles is to MOVE THE BODY! 

WORST tool

• ​W: Worries. What’s the worst that will happen?  List them methodically. 
•  O: OK? Would you be OK (i.e survive?). Why would it all be OK? (Even if you die). Go through each item
• R: Recover. Assume it happened. How would you recover?  
• S: Statistically: How likely is it to happen, really? What %, really?
• T: Tactics: What could you do to reduce the likelihood of this happening?

When I pause and do this I often feel so much better and I have an action to move myself forwards, appreciating the negatives are actually OK. So what about a deeper level of appreciation? 

Today I am writing about the need to rest. TLDR: It's OK to give yourself rest. To maximise the benefits of the rest you have to allow yourself to enjoy it fully, and relax. This means neutralising the negative talk, amplified by the ‘workaholism’, which will no doubt be barking at you "You need to do work!" You don't, right now. That will come. Listen to your body and slow down. ​

Do something!
With that, I was up and ready for a little movement. I put on my favourite workout playlist and it reminds me to (in the words of Joe Rogan): "Do something, it doesn't have to be a lot, jump a little rope, walk up some hills, just do something. Your body has requirements, it needs to move, and when it does you feel better." So I went for a wee run and then did a wee workout. Not as much as on my plan. I felt better. I felt much better. I had a cold shower, I ate food and I planned my day. 

Energy crash!
Turns out I can't just expect my body to be better with a little fresh air and exercise. So I started my workday with a nap - listening to Paul Mckenna, hot water bottle on my back and one on my eyes (also cleaned my eyes with saltwater as they have been flaring up a little-  a sign that my body is struggling). This was so delicious. Throughout the nap, I would neutralise the negative mind that worried I'm being lazy and should be working. I would have to do this continuously today. Workaholism - the idea that all of our value comes from working - never allows us to rest. We need rest, especially when the body is struggling.  

Rest is 'doing something'
Rest makes us more effective and productive in the long run. It is not 'doing nothing' or 'being lazy'. Laziness is often a story we tell ourselves, when really there is some fear present. Rest allows us to listen to the body and delve in to check out the fear that prevents us from moving forward. Often a 'should' and 'need' is the language of fear, which has a counter productive effect on our work.  

I post this now in the hope that you are able to tune into what your body needs and neutralise the negative thoughts of workaholism. Good luck my friends. ​

​THE MIND ASKS WHY? ANSWER IT!
There's a moment in Goggin's book where he is doing an ultra marathon and he is realising his brain is starting to complain. He calls this 'the governor' (like that on a car to control the speed). He has learned and practices the skill of overpowering and outthinking his governor. "The mind knows all - it knows your fears and your weaknesses. It will tell you your not good enough. It will ask you the hardest question in those moments - Why are you bothering to try this!?" What Goggins realised is that you have to have an answer prepared for that question, especially in those painful moments. You need to remember a deep truth, an intention that you committed to for a very very good reason.

GOGGINS HAS A CLEAR MISSION
​For Goggins he wanted to be the Hardest 'Mutha-F**ker God Ever Created'. He wanted to develop mental toughness because he could see that this is all a mind game. So he saw all these physical challenges as positively  'callousing the mind'. He learned to give the pain purpose and this was his answer each time in the dark night of the soul, in the midst of his suffering he responded to 'why bother?' with "Because I don't want to! I am callousing my mind against that soft, weakness of fear. I am becoming the hardest man ever!" 

HAVE A SIMPLE MISSION  PREPARED
I love that. Though I may not share his mission I can relate.  If we can connect to a deep truth - a purpose that touches something profound in us, and we recite it regularly then we are prepared for those moments in life when the mind challenges our resolve. The mind  forgets why we started and so its up to us to 'prepare to remember.' To have the answer, the deep truth, the 'mission' etched into our mind, ready to respond when fear and panic tempt us to give up and convince us that we are not good enough. The mission must be simple and clear and inspiring. 

NO FINISH LINE
Another part of Goggins race mentality that haunts me is the idea that there is no finish line. Give up waiting for the finish line and embrace this suffering. Wow! What if that's true? What if there is no finish line? What if, even in life there is no finish? 
I have used death as a comforter many times. The idea that I will die one day, maybe today, helps me to drop my worries and relax. I'm here to enjoy myself. It's not a race, it's a dance. But Goggins' idea popped my bubble. What if death is not the end? What if the journey continues. More suffering in the next part? Maybe I keep repeating this life forever? OK, or as Goggins says 'Roger That!'
The point is to realise that if I keep comforting myself with the idea of an ending to my problems then I just wait for that to happen, which encourages me to rest back instead of pushing forward. I'm in a point in my life where I have been resting back way too much, because I've been comforting myself, getting soft and it's time to delve deep into my truth and start to embrace the difficult things. In order to do that I'm entertaining the idea that there may be no finish line. This suffering is it. This is life. This is where the joy and growth is. No waiting around for the end. Live, live now. As Jocko Willis says (another hard man) "Fight that ticking clock with everything you got!"

 WhN'T JUST GO WITH THE FLOW - FIGHT!
I've lead a lot of my Mindfulness career trying to find the easy path. The least resistance. The way of the lazy guru. This 'go with the flow' attitude has value, because it helps me to relax and I needed that for a time. But it also has negativity. If we are always going with the flow we are not in any control and we are being propelled along by life and by the mind. If there's one thing I know about the mind it is that it has a negativity bias. It looks for problems to solve. It draws us into conflict and drama. It's time for me to wake up and take charge of the boat, put some work in and to go against the flow - take the path of most resistance. Fight that clock and that governor within my own mind. Fight hard and delve deep into my truth.

THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL
We all face the dark night of the soul when we do this. The moments where you actually turn and face your fear. We often do it alone. Ultimately we must do it alone, but I am learning now that I can also do it with some additional resources, which have been partly inspired by the way Will Smith surrounds himself with family and friends: 

1. Trusted Friends: I've been cultivating a great group of friends. I have often struggled to reach out to them and this morning I realised it's time to call on them for help and support. It's going to be a challenge to overcome my inner resistance there too.

2. Mirror work and reparenting:  So what's been helping me is... me. The man in the mirror. I've been making a practice of taking a good quality mirror and sitting with it in conversation. I see in the mirror the father I always longed for - supportive, loving, encouraging, disciplined, kind and emotionally intelligent. He wants to guide me but he also wants me to do the work myself. I can cry in front of him and he stays with me, with infinite patience. I talk to him for about 10 minutes every day and it alwsys ends with a shower of encouragement from him. 

It's been amazing and I'm excited to keep this journey going, with no finish line and overpowering my internal governor with a connection to my deepest truth: Because this experience is helping me to become the greatest counsellor and coach to others, so I can empower them to reconnect to their deepest truth and to act from a loving place, rather than the fear of a panicked mind. This is my newest mission and I practice it every single day.  I leave you with three questions:

1. What is your mission?
2. Who can you count on to help?
3. Are you prepared to go deep inside and talk to the person in the mirror to get to the deep truth?​

If you need some help to connect to your deepest self and bring out your mission let me know and let's work together on it.  I 'd love to help you as I also continue to commit and action my own mission every single day. ​

I've been enjoying the music of Akira The Don, who makes beats to accompany soundbites from inspiring speakers. In this tune he takes a speech from Jocko Willink - an ex Navy-Seal - to inspire us to use the enemy image to get up early. I paraphrase quips from Jocko here:

• "I like to have that psychological win over the enemy. When I wake up in the morning... I'm thinking about the enemy and what they're doing. "
• "I imagine there's a guy rocking back and forth, with a machine gun in one hand and a grenade in the other, and he's waiting - for me! We're going to meet!"
• "I'm thinking to myself what can I do to be ready for that moment? Which is coming"
• "Successful is someone who brings light into that darkness"
• "I will use the word 'Fearless' not because they didn't have fear, but that  they overcame it, all the time." (This is from the song  'This Is It')
• 'To live and fight and die like a warrior - to overcome fear - that to me is success. Regardless of the outcome.'

We mostly use the enemy image unconsciously. We make enemies of our friends, other people and even ourselves. We don't realise we do this and we also don't realise the negative effects it has on our mood, body and relationships. Two examples come to mind: 

• Some Left Liberals imagine bitter, short sighted Tories, hoarding money and shitting on the environment. The worry that the world is being dragged into fascist and environmentally destructive dystopia leads them to become more and more radical in their rebellious approach. 
• Some Right Conservatives imagine lazy, workshy hippies, draining the national purse illegally. This leads them to despise people who are in poverty and become judgemental and bitter and try to make stricter and harsher rules. 

These examples of 'othering' can also be done consciously - We can make up a story to help us and thus avoid the negative side effects of confusing imagination with reality. Here is how I do it:

I imagine two main enemies in this modern battle:. I understand these are characters and not 'real' people (who are more complex). The following  images help motivate me to thwart the attention wandering.  

I teach this and I still forget at times - such is the power of the modern trance.
Whenever we create an enemy image it is usually a representation of a part of ourselves that we repress, but very much lives inside.  When I consider my enemies - yes there are people in the world like that but the real enemy is my own pattern of distraction and then blaming, whilst ignoring my own body and mind. The real enemy is within.

So what can I do?
I take the advice of Ghandi and Jocko (can you imagine these two combined!? What a team!)
Be the change I want to see and Prepare for battle with the enemy. Just  like in this video ​we must recognise the inner parts if we are to tame them. This means discipline and boundaries.

What this means in practice: 

• Practice Discipline and Boundaries: Starting my day well, off the smartphone and using techniques (which I teach and coach) to liberate myself from online and offline distractions that only serve the corporate Zuckerberg's of the world. 
• Practice Gratitude and Empathy: I use mindfulness to create more love and less hate in myself and in my relationships. I step back from online debates (including text messages) and have real conversations and real relationships. 

For me this means I have a morning routine of getting up early, meditating, journaling, working out and then a daily practice of using Pomodoro's to stay focused and gradually changing my online habits. I keep the enemies in my mind to remind me of the parts within. 

If you'd like to learn some of these techniques and develop a healthy relationship with yourself and others please get in touch and do some coaching with me. 

 find the stuff on the internet needlessly complex. I'm going to simplify it. 
Imagine we have three states, or gears:

1. Learning Human: Rest and Digest - The calm and creative 'Parasympathetic  System'
2. Activated  Monkey:  Fight and Flight  - The  panicked action state of the 'Sympathetic System'
3.  Immobile Lizard: Freeze - The helpless, numb, dissociative state of 'Dorsal Vagal System'

AIM: FLEXIBILITY AND RESILIENCE
We are ultimately aiming for psychological and bodily flexibility. To be able to move between states, so we can be resilient to them when they come up. We cannot just stop them from appearing. They call it the autonomic nervous system for a reason. To become more flexible and resilient we can think of it like a muscle. Does our nervous system have good muscle tone or are we weak, because we are unpractised. Yes- it turns out there are many simple and effective practices which, if repeated, make us more agile and able to change our state more easily. 

NEUORCEPTION - MINDFULLY BECOME AWARE OF YOUR CURRENT STATE
But first you have to be AWARE of what state you are in. This is actually quite simple - tune in (mindfully) to the body and notice if you are activated into panicked action or frozen in immobile confusion and numbness. To do this however takes some skill. When we practice mindfulness we develop our nueroception -our ability to be aware and even name and describe our internal state.

OK so you've discovered you're stuck in indecision and confusion, immobile and static. What next?  I can numb out so often when I'm overwhelmed and so basically I've learned that in this state we need to MOVE and embrace some discomfort. Here are some ways to help you, starting with the easiest:

1. Lie Down and move head from side to side: Recalibration exercise using neck/eyes
2. Do some fast and deep breathing (Wim Hoff)
3. Admit what's up and use challenging, motivational words "Let's Go! Bring it on! Yeah! Fuck this!" 
4. Stand up, Shake it out, with sound - Stretch and make sound, like an animal
5. Dance to music, with sound
6. Go for a fast walk or jog, in the fresh air - make it have a determined energy
7. Climb a tree. do some press ups, pound your chest
8. Tense the whole body and relax (Progressive Muscle Relaxation)
9. Watch some fun, irreverent comedy 
10. Rage to heavy music - scream swear words into a cushion or shout in the car
11. Have a vigorous workout - with sound - punch the fists
12. Do some intense or dynamic yoga (Vinyasa/Ashtanga)
13. Cold shower/swim  - Pain is your friend here - Declare it "I love this!"

Don't: 

• Believe the inner critics judgements or helpless predictions - question them/alow them
• Get lost in distracting phone/ media - throw the phone away
• Sit and stare blankly at walls/ceiling - move, music, shake, now!
• Stay stuck indoors/in bed/on seat - go out!
• Browse the internet becoming lost in rabbit holes - get off it!

Once activated you may wish to crack on with work - great. Ideally we want to bring moderation to our action, not just use work to become another distraction from dealing with our internal state of stress. For people who are manic or workaholics this is particularly important (I can be like this). It is best to induce a state of calm learning so we can have an open mind as we move through our day. Calming things might include:

1. Humming! I love it!
2. Deep slow belly breaths, Slow, controlled out breaths, with gaps
3. Admit what your mind is thinking and say '...and that's ok... fuck it... no worries' (Journaling is good for this)
4. Self Tapping (EFT Technique) with self loving words
5. Meditation or napping - use comforting, positive words "It's OK, I'm OK. Ahhhh...."
6. Go for a SLOW, mindful walk - Stop, Look around, Observe something, Walk On. 
7. Gentle stretch (Yin Yoga / Yoga Nedra / Alexander Technique)
8. Read a book, to chilled music 
9. Bath, candles, self massage/pamper
10. Watch a feel good movie, or one that matches mood (not action)

Don't: 

• Get lost in 101 tasks - focus on one at a time
• Allow business to overtake you and stop you caring for your body and relationships - find balance
• Allow confusion to get you stuck between fight/flight - wrtite down what you are intending to do and be realisitic
• Browse the internet becoming lost in rabbit holes - get off the internet now!

The internet and information bombardment often sends us back down into a state of overwhelm and we find ourselves immobile, frozen and numb again. I often have to jump up, put music on and shake it off before settling again. 

So we can be ready for this by developing our neuroception and building healthy habits into our lives. These are what I recommend:

1. Daily connection practice: meditation, yoga, and recalibration - I do about 20 minutes every morning 
2. Walking outside - get sunshine and fresh air daily, even if its just 10 minutes
3. Cold water exposure - choose a discomfort that works your vascular system
4. Exercise daily - even if it's only 20 minutes. Get your heartrate up and move the body! 
5. Sleep well - try and get a minimum of 7 hrs.
6. Eat real food, not too much - I try and eat less processed food and finish when I'm 80% full
7. Practice regular standing up from desk - I use Pomodoro technique to help me 

If you'd like help with this come on a group course in Emotional Resilience or work with me 1:1. ​

Since lockdown in 2021 I notice a gradual ebbing away of my confidence in myself. Self doubt has been nipping at my heels. I've been doing all sorts to try and get rid of it. I recognise it as my old friend 'IMPOSTER SYNDROME'. This part of me tries to protect me from failure and humiliation by forming the believe that I'm not good enough. 

Do you have a part of you that does this too? 

I trust I am not alone. It's part of the human condition and it's exacerbated by the modern culture. I've been re=reading Mark Manson's masterpiece 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F***'  to try and remind me of some things. I'm only up to page 70 and already I'm reminded of a basic thing that culture does: 

Mark reminds me that in this odd culture of bombardment 'exceptional' is considered normal and to be average is to fail. He reminds me that in our desire and need to be special and exceptional we will try and be at one end of the bell curve - to be exceptionally successful or believe we are exceptionally bad. This polarising ignores the need for balance, across multiple disciplines, and the acceptance of being ordinary,.

A few other choice reminders from the book:

• The mind automatically finds ways to invent problems if it has a lack - this reminds me to practice gratitude and recognition of the privilege and ease of my life
• Finding something important and meaningful in your life is perhaps the most productive use of your time and energy - this remind me to refresh my purpose and manifesto and look at what training I would like to do next. 
• The backwards law reminds me that the desire for more positive experiences is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experiences is itself a positive experience. 
• As my friend Cedar says - nothing is wrong - nothing is wrong with me, or with you, even though the mind constantly tries to use comparison, control and craving to convince you there is something wrong. Of course the caveat to that is that you can still make mistakes - but don't condemn them as wrong. 
• The capitalist society wants us to give a f*** about everything that is unimportant, including other people's opinions of us. This worry makes them money! So F*** this. The subtle art of not giving a f*** is about caring less about trivia and focusing ones attention on what truly matters.
• F*** our feelings. We cannot let them 'drive the bus'.  love the phrase ''I feel like shit today, but who gives a f***?" and then I can magically stop hating myself for feeling bad and just crack on. 

​

This is just one of the ways that helps me to overcome the imposter syndrome. What about you? What helps you remember what is important, what is real and what to give less f***s about?

If you'd like help figuring that out hire me to coach you. First session is free! 

Within my work I help people heal the body and train the mind. Here are some of the main ways in which we do this: 

​Reparenting the nervous system - Healing the Hurts
We need to bring in these principles when reparenting ourselves. Reparenting is a way of healing ourselves. In my work this includes teaching people with:

• Breathwork and Grounding: Learning simple ways to calm the nervous system
• Mindful Massage and Movement: Refresh and relax the body
• Somatic Experiencing and Pendulation: Using awareness of the body to discover and heal trauma
• Counselling with Voice Dialogue Parts Work: Giving space to the inner parts to grieve, express, be seen, heard and understood helps us create inner peace and integration of our shadow

Re-schooling the mind with Healthier Habits 
We were taught maths and English in school, but no one taught us how to live well. They didn’t really teach us to challenge our own thoughts, channel our emotions. These are some of the skills I teach:

• Panicked Protector Parenting: Learning to spot and parent the parts of us that panic, to try and protect ourselves. This is from the work of Positive Intelligence. 
• The STOP technique: Challenging disempowering thoughts, stuck on repeat in four easy steps, based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): Reframing unhelpful and irrational thought patterns.
• Crossroads Challenge: Exploring our possible paths, based on beliefs and using pain and pleasure as fuel to choose the right path. 
• The 5 Second Rule into Tiny Steps: Utilising the ‘Do Something’ principle to get action underway
• Learning to Love:  Habitualizing love for ourselves and others

I've had a depressing week. I've been comparing myself and letting my mind drag me into a low mood by believing (or not challenging) the stories of comparison, regret and self judgement:

• He's so successful - I should have worked harder and smarter - I'm a failure!
• He's got an amazing house - I need a house! I should have bought one ten years ago - I'm so stupid!
• She's on holiday - Why didn't I sort a holiday - I'm so indecisive!
• He's so fit and I'm weak and pathetic!
• They're so happy  - I'm so anxious and scattered - I'm a broken mess!

This kind of thinking is responsible for so much despair in my life and so many other people's. I coach people and have the privilege of helping them to  escape this endless loop of misery and internal drama. But that doesn't mean I can always escape it myself. In fact I notice how I often post all the nice bits of life on social media - then other people can compare themselves negatively to me!  Oh dear! With practice I'm getting more resilient to comparison. What is the practice?

I'm fortunate enough to have access to some pretty awesome friends and therapists and this week I've been taking a look at my inner critic in more detail, as well as the vulnerable inner victim. In the paradigm of 'parts work' (AKA internal family systems, voice dialogue, fooling etc) we recognise there are many parts at play in our internal landscape. There parts are like people of their own accord. If you pay attention to yourself you'll notice your energy levels, voice and posture change when you are 'playing out' different parts. 

In one recent therapy session I took time to go into my sad 'I don't know what I'm doing' part and really empathise with him. I was able to link it back to a 12 year old version of me that had trauma when entering secondary school. He felt (and still feels) deflated, small and depressed at the challenges of 'big-boy school'. My posture become hunched and my voice is squeezed. I feel this today whenever I encounter setbacks, particularly related to my work or areas where I demonstrate I'm a capable and intelligent person. 

I also played out the critical parts of me - the thinkers and judges. These parts embody a more confident and even aggressive energy and posture.  These relate to parents, bullies, teachers and... myself. They were necessary parts of myself that helped to protect me.  

The purpose of giving these parts space to express themselves is:

• To hear what they have to say and understand them. Once they feel heard and understood they can quiet down a little. We can also recognise how they manifest in the body (feelings/urges/pains etc) and that helps us recognise them sooner, in the future, and take helpful action.
• To appreciate them - they each have a purpose. We can ask ourselves what that purpose it and it helps us to welcome these parts and redirect their strategies to better serve the purpose. 
• To befriend and work with them - Once we know them, understand and appreciate them we can even find joy and usefulness in them. We accept these parts of ourselves into our lives and thus we can work with them more effectively. Our default in life is to resist and repress our parts and this often creates the problems of a negative mind and stressed nervous system. 

What does this look like?
This morning I gave a lot more space to the critics - who really had some good advice (albeit delivered with some anger and judgements).  I took a mirror and placed it in front of me and I began to lay out all the criticisms - full throttle, for 10 minutes! I went through what I should do and how I have been so wrong. Turns out I really do want to be more successful, prosperous and have more ease and fun and if I listen to the advice and weed out the condemning judgements. 

I was only able to do this because I've given each part that needed it some space. In my therapy session the vulnerable victim cried - a lot! That cathartic grieving left space for me to hear, understand and appreciate the advice of the inner critics. 

The beautiful side effect of all this is that the comparison mindset vanishes (along with the despair) and is replaced with a more appreciative mind - that sees the present moment as a gift - an opportunity to live! Now is wow! Today I've been exercising, working, reading and enjoying nature. It's not perfect and I still get the symptoms of 'compare and despair' occasionaly, but now I can recognise it and meet it with understanding , compassion and some really good 'self care'.  

If this sounds like something you'd like to explore let me know and we can do some coaching together, I'm offering a free 1 hr intro session from October 2021. Book here. 

In reality, however, these ‘negative’ emotions can be helpful. The negativity comes when we try to fight them via:

• Repression: ignore them, push them away and pretend we don’t feel them
• Distraction: use external things to override the feelings, such as food or screens 
• Reaction:  quickly acting out, without awareness of our feelings - to blame, force or change something external, assuming the emotion is based on a real, present moment threat. 

These are the basics of our learned coping mechanisms or conditioned reaction, which are largely unconscious (meaning we are not aware of them, or in control of them). They developed during childhood, when they were perceived as absolutely necessary reactions, to receive attention, love and/or safety when we needed it most. We carry these deep in our nervous system. 

Something happens that ‘triggers’ past pain, and activates the mechanism. It can be anything, from a specific type of person, environment or even a raised eyebrow to a shouted word. The reactions triggered can be severe, like a full-on panic attack, or more subtle, like anxiety and a tight chest. For myself I notice that I sometimes get very sleepy and tired during emotional conversations with my partner. I realised this is a mechanism learned from childhood to unconsciously help myself avoid conflict and forced emotional dumping and enmeshment  with parents). I have since learned to pause when I yawn, and name this as a 'conditioned reaction', which often stops it. Which leads me into the next step...

I have also found self love helps create ease in giving love to others - we exude love and it becomes easy and familiar to love. What’s your experience? Try this guided meditation now and find out. Also available on YouTube.

I am changing my practice to make love the centre of everything I do. This is as part of a more trauma informed practice that I am bringing into my work, after fascination with the work of Gabor Mate, Peter Levine and Nicole Lepera. If you would like to do some coaching work and get more love in your life contact me, or come along to the Monday group sessions. 

With Love
Neil Morbey

In this short BLOG I'm sharing a slide from session 2 of my course 'Mindfulness and Emotional Resilience', where we focus on habits. I'm doing this because  I am currently using this process to begin a habit of more frequent online sharing and blog writing. this is week 1 for me and I hope it inspires you to begin a new habit today.  

1. STOP judging yourself with ‘shoulds and needs’ (use the STOP technique) and develop a loving attitude to your new habit

I believe that self judgement is our worst enemy in the creation of a habit. If we use excessive 'shoulds and needs' then we are using fear to motivate.  This is a primitive and short lived motivator that will only make the bait feel heavy and stressful. Your willpower will give way. Instead try and address those 'shoulds and needs' using a tool, like the STOP technique (which we teach on the course) and develop a positive and purposeful attitude towards your actions. As Tony Robbins says:  "use inspiration not desperation!"

2. Take time to consider why first, then what, when, where. Write it down
The book 'Start with Why' by Simon Sinek details how developing a clear WHY allows you to be selective of the advice you take on board. You need to make sure that WHAT and HOW you do things is consistent with your WHY. A WHY provides a filter for decision making which differentiates his quote:  “Achievements comes when you pursue and attain WHAT you want. Success comes when you are clear in pursuit of WHY you want it.

3. Reduce the amount to its minimal - start with tiny steps. One habit at a time. You can increase and habit stack later
I learned a lot from Seth Godin , author of 'The One Thing'  who reminds me "The hardest move in Yoga is rolling out the mat'. In other words the starting energy is the difficult bit. So make it small, REALLY small. You can gradually improve and the early habit can act as a sequence starter that you can stack more habits onto. 

4. Share publicly and/or with an accountability buddy / contract
We have a brain that is constantly worrying about what others think of us, and is trying to be efficient with resources. Use it to your advantage - include others to check on you and include a contract to make it have consequences, if you like that  My contract uses Stikk to add a financial consequence if I don't stick to the habit! 

5. Place positive triggers (notifications, posters, images, props) at home/on phone. Remove negative ones. 
I find it so helpful to have my trainers out ready if I'm intending on going for a run and I also like to record a positive association reminder on my phone and/or YouTube (and recite it daily ) to keep my intention in mind. I have removed distractions from my phone and environment and I continue to do this as an ongoing process. For me my calendar provides the most useful prompts. 

6. At the end of the day review how your commitment went well
Make the pattern pleasurable and purposeful by adding rewards and self celebration. I find the end of the day a great time to do this as it puts my mind into a positive place before bed time. We humans are great at denying our achievements. Stop it! Celebrate yourself! 

7. If you don’t manage it one day activate your inner curious compassion. Journal about what stopped you, how you feel and what you imagine. Begin this list again...
We are imperfect - you will fail. That is good. It shows you are trying and discovering the blocks. This is a time to really become fascinated with the blocks and use the techniques I teach to help you. These seven steps are an iterative process - I repeat them to refine my habits.

Can I help you to start a new habit? I currently have a group beginning a habit of meditation and journaling. I can work with you one-to-one or in a group (new ones coming soon). Please get in touch to find out more. 

The real reason I posted this is because the three videos at the bottom blew my socks off. If you want just skip to them - they are worth it!

I recently began a formal qualification in Counselling and I'm loving it. I've been a trained coach and mindfulness practitioner for years, but often I found the biggest shifts occur in people when they were given space to express repressed emotions and all I had to do was counsel them. In this short blog I'll write about the main skills and styles in counselling.

Self Reflection and Personal Development
We all have blind spots and as 'helpers' we must work on becoming aware of our own, so that we are capable of holing the counselling space and not accidently end up being counselled by the client. Blind spots could be a belief that some character trait is bad, or a leaning towards certain relationship styles, or a slight prejudice against a certain type of person.  Self reflection helps us see and understand ourselves. 

Integration of blind spots
 Our job then is to 'integrate them' so that we are less likely to fall into automatic reaction. Integration is the process of maturity, where we discover parts of ourselves that we repress or abandon and bring them into our awareness and make them more cooperative towards our values and goals (​This is my definition. There are many others).  An example for myself is I know my mind is critical of 'weakness' (because of my past conditioning) and I integrate that by priming useful reminders for myself and I use mindfulness to see a person as they are, not how I think they should be.  In a session now, if I notice my critical mind I will thank it and take a breath, remind it that it's OK, and bring my full attention back to the present moment. This could happen within  a single second. 

Everyone has  their own style, based on their own understanding of how the psyche actually works.  Here is some basic history of the main influences. The three videos below are incredibly useful in showing three main styles used today.  We begin though with two big pioneers from the early 1900's:

• Sigmund Freud​ was pioneered psychoanalysis using techniques like free association (uncensored expression) and discovered transference (projecting an idea of who someone is onto them without realising it). He had some wild ideas, but his model of the Id (natural drives), Ego (conscious awareness mediating the other two) and super-Ego (social conditioning) is still used today. His idea is to talk to people and make parts of the unconscious more conscious. Others followed this with different interpretations: 
• Carl Jung modelled the idea of 'archetypes' (a concept "borrowed" from anthropology to denote supposedly universal and recurring mental images or themes). The main of these that are still used today are the Shadow (repressed parts), Persona (mask of personality), the collective unconsciousness (the interconnected ideas and impulses felt globally) and the Wounded Healer (what drives us to care and treat one another). Jung loved dream analysis as a way of accessing the psyche.

The three big modern styles - check out the videos!
These practitioners from 1960-1990 are shown in striking contrast on the videos above.

• Carl Rogers founded humanistic approach (Client Centred), which prioritised a genuine and empathic relationship between client and helper, through which healing and integration occurs naturally. 
• Fritz Perls coined the term 'Gestalt therapy' which seeks to raise the awareness of people as a  process of sensation, perception, bodily feelings, emotion, and behaviour, in the present moment. He would use quite extreme noticing of body language and encouragement to develop it and express from it. He would also use roleplaying to help people switch roles and see how things play out in the mind. 
• Albert Ellis founded Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) - a precursor to modern CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). He saw how unconscious beliefs ran the show of our actions and feelings and sought to make people more aware of them through talking and exposing them to observation. 

I also use ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), Clowning and Fooling, Art Therapy and DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) . I will explore them in other blogs. 

My counselling and coaching offer
I work with all these modes in my work, alongside more goal oriented coaching. This blog talks about the difference . If you feel drawn to a particular type of therapy  contact me and let's work together.  We can all use a little help to discover our repressed patterns of thought and behaviour and integrate them to become more empowered and fulfilled people. 

MY RECENT EXPERIENCES
​I wrote this blog as a reflection of three distinct experiences recently:

1. The first was when I went to buy a car. The car seemed good, but I felt something wasn’t right when talking to the salesman.  The telling sign was the feeling of pressure and discomfort- my intuition trying to communicate. I didn't listen. I ended up having a costly experience with an untrustworthy salesman.​
2. In another experience a friend was asking for help and I noticed feelings of pressure and fatigue emerge very quickly. This time I slowed down and as I watched the fatigue dissipate easily.   Afterwards I felt a surge of energy and motivation, and it felt easy to offer help.
3. In a third example I was getting frustrated during a discussion with my partner. This time I felt frustration and urges to move.  Instead of trying to rationalise I slowed down, tuned in, and acknowledged my feelings, expressing: “I’m feeling frustrated! I don’t have the capacity for more talking… I need to move! Would you be willing to come and help me move this emotion so we can connect more?”  I’m lucky enough to have a very open minded partner, who let me stop talking and go do some press ups, sit ups and chin ups. She even played with me by pummelling my chest and we  growled together - it was really odd and really fun! It completely changed the energy in us bot. We ended up connecting in a deeply ' primal way' that felt deeply satisfying and insightful.  The talking that followed flowed easily.

WE EVOLVED TO MOVE, BUT NOW WE INHIBIT
What these showed me is that I often want to pause and notice my emotion and sometimes  'move with' with it' to get clarity.  I realised that us humans are basically monkeys with more brains. Like any animal, or monkey, we live on fear and libido - survive and reproduce. We train our instinctive reactions through past experience. Painful past experience is our main trainer.  Modern humans have these issues :

1. We have bigger brains, bigger memories and bigger imaginations. We scare ourselves by interpreting things as 'bad' remembering them for a long time. Our instincts become very fearful.
2. We've lived in the wild, in small tribes, for millions of centuries. It’s only in the last hundred centuries that we have civilized society and grouped in enormous numbers, which requires us to  'behave ourselves'. So we inhibit our instinct to move and shake off tension, and we overly use our rational minds.
3. This 'civilized society' is very noisy and full of confusing messages. All the fearful interpretations of all the other human monkeys is broadcast 24/7 on the internet, adding to our own internal noise and making it harder to hear ourselves think, let alone, feel. 

Our primal instincts get confused, so we use our rational minds to overpower and think our way through problems. This can disconnect us from our main sources of power and wisdom - the bodily instinct and intuition.  This is why I teach meditation and physical practices to help us to reconnect to...

INTUITION AND INSTINCT - SOURCES OF POWER
When you think about it our bodies have more than one brain and more than one mode. We have: 

• Primal 'gut' instincts​
  • ​The spinal cord links all parts of the body as it has for millions of centuries. basically run everything. 
  • Our primal sources of  motivation are to survive and reproduce. In times of fear we automatically Fight, Flight, and Freeze.
  • Primal instinct communicates via fear and libido centred in the gut and genitals, followed by specific urges for action.
• ​​Subconscious 'heart' intuition
  • ​The midbrain adds deeper intelligence to decipher complex social signals
  • We respond in more emotional ways and with actions like smiling, laughing, crying etc.
  • Intuition communicates via 'feelings and emotions', centred in the heart and gut.​

THE LANGUAGE OF THE BODY - FEELINGS AND URGES - DON'T LET THEM DRIVE THE BUS
Imagine the conscious you is like a driver of a  school bus, except the bus is full of child monkeys!
When things are in balance we are 'happy' and the bus is on track passengers remain quiet.  When the passengers sense a potential threat or desire they make noise at the driver (via emotions). They are trying steer you towards desired outcomes and sexual partners and away from pain. The more fearful emotional feelings and urges could be:
​

• Anger. frustration and grumpiness as hot tension in fists, arms, shoulders head, chest and neck , with an urge to lash out, stress the body and shout.  
• Anxiety, fear, nervousness, confusion as cold tension in the heart, shoulders, throat, jaw or head, with an urge to shake, whine and move frantically. 
• Shame, guilt, embarrassment as numbing closedness in the genitals, belly and heart, with flushed cheeks and an urge to shut down, hide and stay quiet.  

REACTIVE URGES
​When passengers feel more threatened they react quickly, to avoid danger, trying to take control of the bus for a moment. It might not be an actual danger though. It's likely that the current event reminds your nervous system of a past painful experience and the instincts automatically activate a reaction mechanism to avoid the pain. This could be something along the lines of:

• Lashing out, flying into a rage verbally or physically
• Escaping, avoiding - which could be physical or could be intellectual, like trying to rationalise, or distracting oneself with an addictive habit or bodily reaction
• Shutting down, sobbing or going quiet, impotence and tiredness -  meaning you cannot continue to talk or even move, in extreme cases.

Be a SANE driver
So the driver needs to maintain control, to listen and acknowledge, but not to buy into the emotional reaction. It may be necessary to allow a physical response to channel the instinctive urges before the can calm the bus down. One method is a strategy I teach, called 'SANE': 

1. Slow down (or stop) the bus to make space to become more aware
2. Acknowledge and allow the feelings and urges to be there. Don’t suppress, and don’t let them drive the bus. 
3. Need underneath - discern what is needed now through observation and communication. 
4. Encourage Expression: Give permission to ourselves to speak up and get needs met.

IF STUCK, USE A TOOL
​If you are really stuck and can’t access your playfulness, then here is a practice of recognising the interpretation that is setting off the instinctive reactions and playing with the words. I do this with myself and my clients for about five minutes. It is inspired by Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT):

MOVING ON AND THINKING MORE CLEARLY
The aim is not to stay stuck in the feeling, but to allow the feeling to be expressed and then move into clear thinking, so you can see viable options move forward and feel the motivation to act. This works so much better when you connect and move first. If you would like help with this  coach people specifically to think, feel and express themselves and I teach SANE strategies in my latest Mindful Relating course. Register now if you’d like to learn how to tune into your intuition and channel its power to be helpful instead of inhibited. Or do some private coaching with me.  

​

​

Clap! (this is actually a tool I teach!)
“I’m better than this shit!”
I got up and made my bed and decided to go outside. I remembered some  of my sources of inspiration that cheer me up:

• Nature, trees, birds and the like
• Running (bare chested - thanks Wim Hoff)
• Being an idiot and dancing to music as I run 
• Saying hello to EVERY SINGLE PERSON I see this morning (this really helps me!)
• Home, tea, meditation, stretching
• Cold shower screaming!
• Writing

Break the lockdown - give myself permission to  EXPRESS MYSELF. 
This I remembered is the main reason I feel crap sometimes. I am creating my own personal lockdown, because I judge myself.  I compare myself to some imagined standard of how I should be. It’s not safe to be myself, to express myself - my brain won't allow it.

Bullshit!
It's not true that it's not safe. If the STOP technique (another tool I teach in collaboration with Mark Dunn) has taught me anything it is that the brain talks a lot of shit. But we can’t just tell ourselves that. The self judgement keeps us locked in to a spiral of shitty habits. So what can we do? 

Give yourself permission - allow! 
Think about it. If judgement, resistance and comparison is at the root of our suffering and the perpetuation of our stuckness then stop fighting it and allow it - just for 10 minutes even! You can then short circuit your lockdown blues. For example:

1. “I shouldn’t feel like this”
2. “I shouldn’t be judging - oh god now I’m judging myself!”
3. “I shouldn’t be judging that either, what an idiot!”
4. “I should stop judging now, oh no!”
5. “I’m judging that I’m judging that I’m judging that I feel like this!!”
6. “OK, fuck this… let’s go outside”
7. Oh, I feel better now. Hmmm.... 

I’ve found emotions don’t last long if I give them permission to be here. If I EXPRESS THEM without harming anyone else. Personally I like to play with them, play the fool.  This is a result of my clowning and fooling work with people like Holly Stoppit and Jamie Catto, but also my intuition. When we play we are giving ourselves permission to live life as ourselves, without the 'personal lockdown'.

So if you want to break the personal lockdown blues can you play with them? How can you express your blues today? (or whatever else you have inside)

If you want some help with this let me know. I'm offering some reduced price sessions for people in the lockdown struggling with money - check out my Coaching page or email me: neil@positively-mindful.com for a callback chat
​

Our reward systems - the old view of addiction
Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that signals anticipation of pleasure. Ir helps you be motivated to get things done and to move. Dopamine pushes you to crave more stimulus. This is a natural drive and nothing is wrong with it. Modern life offers a lot of stimulation of dopamine. Feeling over-stimulated is often a sign of doing too much and getting a high dopamine hit. This can inhibit present moment focus and stop you from enjoying simple things. The balance of dopamine and it's antidote, serotonin, plays a part in our understanding of addiction and I wrote about that here - but does this isn't the root cause, as we once thought. 

It's not in the genes, it's in our society and in your own mind!
For years we've been labouring under the assumption that addicts are that way due to an imbalance of dopamine  and serotonin, and so we've relied on drugs to balance these levels. This can help in the short term, but not long term.  That's because dopamine  is the result of a lack of positive connection. If a person is brought up in a negative environment, or doesn't have meaningful work, sustainable income or worse, has a criminal record, then they will feel the pressure of life as stress in the body and negative thinking in the mind. This inner and outer persecucion is the very thing that humans need relief from ​as shown in these insightful videos:

How you think about it matters
We all have 'monkey minds' that tend to think negatively. We often beat ourselves up about our habits. We have high expectations of ourselves and others, so we talk about our habits as 'bad'. This drives the habits - it adds stress, which makes the cravings for relief stronger and make it more likely you'll relapse into the old habit, eventually. 

A ‘dopamine detox’ is a way of thinking that uses a serious amount of willpower an  ‘deprivation stress'  to remove all pleasure. Willpower can get used up. The internal slave driver will sap your energy and make things less enjoyable. How long will it be until you need to escape and find some instant pleasure from the old habit again? What you are really running from is the negativity of the mind, felt as stress in your body. Your body needs some relief. A holiday perhaps?