A lot of the people I work with aren’t “broken”. They’re just stuck.

Stuck in overthinking. Stuck in avoidance. Stuck in old relationship patterns. Stuck in anxiety, shame, self-doubt, procrastination… or that familiar feeling of “I know what I should do, but I can’t seem to do it.”

One of the main frameworks I use in my coaching and counselling is Acceptance and Commitment Training (ACT) — originally developed in the 1980s by psychologist Steven Hayes, drawing on behavioural psychology and mindfulness-based approaches. What I love about ACT is that it doesn’t ask you to “get rid” of difficult emotions or force your mind to be positive. It’s not about fixing you.

Instead, ACT teaches something much more practical:
How to stay present with what’s real, unhook from unhelpful mind stories, and take action based on what actually works to get you what you want! 

No FIXING, more WORKING with...​
Rather than trying to “fix” your emotions or eliminate uncomfortable thoughts, ACT teaches you to make space internally, challenge thoughts and reconnect with your true values. Working with the tool yourself or with a coach can: 

• reflect your patterns back to you clearly
• help you spot your blind spots and protective strategies
• slow the moment down so you can find your real feelings
• support you to act from values instead of fear, pride, or old conditioning
  
  

ACT coaching is practical, grounded, and often deeply relational.

However I found the HEX format USELESS! So I made one that I find works much better:

WORKING (ACT Model) (Made by me, Neil Morbey)
W — Witness what’s happening

• Question: “What is happening right now (facts + context)?” 
• What it does: This brings you into present-moment awareness and out of automatic reactivity.
• You describe the situation like a neutral camera, not a participant in the drama.
•  ACT principle: Present Moment + Noticing

O — Opinions

• Question: “What stories or judgements is my mind adding to this?”
• What it does: This identifies cognitive fusion — the mental overlay your brain is using to protect you (often via blame, certainty, righteousness, fear). Naming it loosens its grip.
• ACT principle: Cognitive Defusion

R — Real Feelings

• Question: “What am I actually feeling underneath the surface reaction?”
• What it does: Helps you contact the core emotion (hurt, shame, fear, loneliness, grief) rather than just acting out the secondary emotion (anger, irritation, shutdown).
• ACT principle: Acceptance + Emotional Contact

K — Kickback

• Question: “How am I defending, avoiding, or trying to be right?” 
• What it does: Reveals your nervous system strategy: fight/flight/freeze/fawn, distraction, control, blame, numbing, over-functioning. This is where you see the coping move clearly.
•  ACT principle: Acceptance (instead of avoidance)

I — Internal Conflict

• Question: “What different parts of me are here, and what does each one long for?
• What it does: This names the inner committee: the protector, the wounded child, the justice-seeker, the lover, the avoider, the pleaser. Each part is usually loyal to a value (safety, respect, love, autonomy).
• ACT principle: Values clarification + Self-awareness

N — Net Result

• Question: “If I keep doing this, what will it create — and is it worth the cost?”
• What it does: This is the workability test. It moves you from “Am I right?” to “Is this working?” It also naturally evokes self-as-context: you become the one observing the pattern, not trapped inside it. This is critical in ACT. 
• ACT principle: Workability + Self-as-Context

G — Goal-Directed Action

• Question: “What do I choose to create and what will I actually do to create it?”
• What it does: Converts insight into behaviour. Not a perfect fix — just a committed step toward the life/relationship you want.
• ACT principle: Committed Action

Why it works (the logic of the flow)

• W + O = separate facts from story
• R = contact what’s real and human
• K = spot the avoidance/defence strategy
• I = clarify what matters (values in conflict)
• N = check cost + consequence (workability)
• G = take a flexible step forward (commitment)

WORKING is all about ACTing in a way that works to create the life you really want.

Would you like to work with me? Get in touch
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Understanding the Problem: A Cycle of Anxiety and Withdrawal
At its core, the anxious-avoidant cycle is a pattern where one partner tends to crave closeness and reassurance (the anxious partner), while the other feels the need to pull away or avoid intense emotional closeness (the avoidant partner). This push-pull dynamic can create a lot of stress, misunderstanding, and heartache.

The Neurochemistry Behind the Cycle
At the heart of the anxious-avoudant dance is neurochemity  - especially oxytocin, often known as the “bonding hormone.” In a secure relationship, oxytocin helps partners feel safe and connected. But for people with anxious or avoidant tendencies, that bonding process got wired a little differently in early childhood.

For the Anxious Partner:
Anxious traits amplify for connection. People with these traits often learned early on that love and support were inconsistent. When they cried out for help, sometimes they got comfort and sometimes they didn’t. This intermittent reinforcement is a bit like a gambler pressing a button, never knowing when the reward will come. As a result, the anxious partner learns to amplify their emotions to get attention and reassurance, becoming almost addicted to the oxytocin and dopamine that come with it.

For the Avoidant Partner:
On the flip side, avoidant traits withraw for safety, People with these traits learned that opening up emotionally could lead to feeling threatened or judged. For them, closeness and vulnerability got associated with stress hormones like cortisol rather than safety. So they learned to protect themselves by withdrawing from intimacy.

Breaking the Cycle:
he good news is that this cycle can be changed. A few practical techniques to get you started:

1. Shorter, Controlled Moments of Closeness: Instead of forcing long emotional marathons, keep moments of intimacy shorter and more controlled. That way, the avoidant partner feels safer, and the anxious partner still gets the connection they need without overwhelm.
2. Balancing Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation: Anxious individuals often seek a lot of reassurance from their partner, while avoidant individuals rely too much on themselves. The key is to find a balance: the anxious partner can learn more self-regulation, and the avoidant partner can learn to open up to co-regulation (seeking comfort together). And both partners can remember that co-regulation isn’t just from a romantic partner—it can come from friends and family too.
3. Creating Safe Communication Structures: Establishing clear, safe ways to communicate can help both partners feel more secure. When both people know they can share their needs without triggering fear or withdrawal, oxytocin can flow more freely, and the relationship feels more secure.
4. Looking Forward to Oxytocin Bonding: Finally, it’s important to get excited about the idea of bonding

 
Looking Forward to Oxytocin Bonding
One of the most uplifting parts of breaking the anxious-avoidant cycle is rediscovering the joy of true bonding. When both partners start to feel safer and more secure, they can actually look forward to those oxytocin-rich moments of connection. Instead of feeling like emotional intimacy is a battleground, it becomes something both partners can genuinely enjoy and anticipate. It’s about creating a relationship where both people feel safe enough to be themselves and to share closeness without fear.

Final Thoughts and Acknowledgments
When we understant the neurochemistry at play, and some practical tools to shift these patterns we can really affect change with compassion and care. If you’re interested in learning more about this work, definitely check out my Building Secure Attachment Course or private coaching. 

In the end, understanding the neurochemistry of anxious-avoidant attachment is a powerful step toward building healthier, more fulfilling relationships. With patience, awareness, and the right tools, it’s entirely possible to break the cycle and find the secure connection you deserve.

A Slice of Sam’s Experience of Being An Adult

Tuesday morning, rain lashing at the window - Sam wakes before the alarm, not with a jolt but with a familiar weight and warmth of the bed’s covers. Thoughts rush in and Sam notices them and begins the daily practice of gratitude, prayer - practices that keep Sam connected, calm, open and ADULT. 

Jo, Sam’s partner, is already up and moving around downstairs. “I wonder what’s up? Sam thinks.” Years ago that alone would have set something off in Sam -  a flicker of irritation, a story about being left and all the anxiety and tightness that goes with that. Yet after so much integration of new patterns and habits there is a noticing, a smile and an ease in just getting up and going to the shower. EXCITED for the day ahead!

In the kitchen, coffee is made slowly. Jo moves around the space in a way that used to land sharply: cupboards closing a little too firmly, attention half elsewhere, words brief and practical. Old Sam would have read meaning into every sound. Something’s wrong. I’ve done something. I need to fix this — or protect myself. The body would have braced without asking permission. Today, Sam feels the first hint of that brace and lets it soften. Feet on the floor. Breath out longer than in. Information, not emergency. This feels EASEFUL and JOYFUL! 

Jo says something distracted, eyes already on a screen - “Can you clean up your mess from last night, please?” There’s a familiar pull — the urge to rescue, to probe, to justify and defend.  Sam notices the urge and the story rise and fall like a wave, “mmm… interesting!” Just a pause of curiosity long enough to remember: this is just useful data. Connection doesn’t need to be forced to be real. A feeling of SATISFACTION and PRIDE emerges and Sam reaches out a hand to touch Jo’s shoulder and create some easy connection. Talking respectfully they connect and talk about the day ahead and both Sam and Jo feel the JOY of teamwork and partnership. 

Later, Sam is out walking. The air is cool. The body feels oddly light. Not because everything went perfectly, but because Sam didn’t self-abandon and stayed present. No rescuing. No persecution. No vanishing. Just presence, boundary, and choice - living in INTEGRITY feels POWERFUL. Sam’s steps are light yet purposeful. 

This is the quiet rebellion of adulthood. Not control. Not compliance. But staying in the body when old triggers knock. Letting partnership be real rather than rehearsed. Allowing friction without turning it into drama.
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Sam keeps walking, aware that Jo will trigger things again — of course. That’s intimacy. And for the first time, that doesn’t feel like a threat. It feels like something Sam is actually EXCITED about. All the healing that is happening through the relationship is helping both Sam and Jo be AMAZING ADULTS! 


Why Adulthood Is Actually Exciting

Did you like the slice of Sam’s Story? Here’s the reframe at the heart of The Get Excited Method:

The Adult state is where energy returns.

When you’re regulated and in ‘Adult Ego State’, you gain access to capacities that feel good in both body and mind.

Adult Body: What Feels Great

• Energy comes back online — not manic or stress-fuelled, but steady, playful, usable energy that lasts and lets you enjoy things properly.
  
  
• The body relaxes into itself — breath drops, shoulders soften, and you feel that delicious sense of “I’m safe enough to be me.”
  
  
• The mind clears — fewer dramatic stories, more choice, more curiosity, more room to think and feel at the same time.
  
  
• Effort starts to feel satisfying — like building, crafting, shaping a life that actually fits you, rather than grinding to keep others happy.
  
  
• Boundaries create freedom — saying no brings relief, saying yes feels clean, and resentment and anxiety soften and melt away.
  
  
• Responsibility turns into power — you choose, you respond, you repair, and you trust yourself to handle what comes next.
  
  
• Play comes back, but grounded in wisdom — not chaotic or avoidant, but grounded, intentional, and deeply enjoyable because you’re the one steering.
  ​
  

This is polyvagal gold: the ventral vagal state of safe engagement.

How? Time and practice

The shift from Child into a sustained Adult state isn’t a mindset tweak or a one-off insight — it’s a practice, built slowly through repetition, patience, and kindness toward the nervous system. Child states don’t dissolve because they’re wrong; they soften because they’re no longer needed to survive. 

Each time activation arises and you pause rather than react, something new is being laid down in the body: I can feel this and stay present. At first, Adult may only flicker on for seconds at a time — a breath taken, a boundary named, a choice not to escalate. That counts. Over time, these small moments accumulate and the nervous system learns that regulation is not a fluke but an available state. 

This is why insight alone is never enough; without safety in the body, the Child will keep grabbing the wheel. Integration happens when you repeatedly meet triggers with orientation, breath, and curiosity, then speak or act from what is actually true now, not what was once dangerous. 

There will be relapses — moments of drama, collapse, or control — and these are not failures but information. The work is not to eliminate the Child, but to let Adult become the reliable home base that can listen, respond, and repair. With time, Adult stops being something you try to access and becomes the place you naturally return to — steady, responsive, and quietly in charge.

Continue reading if you want to know more depth…

A Quick TA Refresher: Child, Parent, Adult

Transactional Analysis describes three primary ego states:

• Child – emotional, adaptive, impulsive, playful and fearful or powerless
• Parent – internalised rules, judgments, protection, control, criticism
• Adult – present-time awareness, reality-based thinking, choice, agency

None of these states are “bad.” The problem arises when Child and Parent run the show, especially under stress. That’s when life starts to feel like hard work, conflict escalates, and we slip into drama.

Child + Parent = Drama

When the nervous system is dysregulated, Child and Parent ego states often lock together into what’s commonly called the Drama Triangle:

• Victim (Child) – voiceless, overwhelmed, helpless, “this is happening to me”
• Persecutor (Critical Parent) – condemning, blaming, harsh, “you’re wrong”
• Rescuer (Controlling Parent) – reactive helping, over-functioning, fixing others

This triangle is exhausting. It burns energy, creates conflict, and makes adulthood feel like drudgery. Not because adulting is inherently dull — but because we’re not actually in Adult.

The Adult Triangle: Where Life Gets Good

The Adult ego state isn’t cold, clinical, or boring. It’s alive, regulated, and powerful. When Adult is online, we naturally move into a different triangle — one based on agency, curiosity, and responsibility.
From Victim → Voice & VulnerabilityAdult doesn’t silence emotion — it gives it language.

• Naming what’s happening factually and emotionally
• Speaking truth without collapse or attack
• Noticing:
  • bodily reactions
  • mental stories
  • habitual behaviours

This is not dumping or dramatizing. It’s clean expression.

Adult says: “This is what I’m noticing in me right now.”

That alone is deeply regulating — and empowering


From Condemning Persecutor → Calm, Compassionate Curiosity

Adult replaces judgment with interest.

• Asking questions instead of making accusations
• Softening tone, pace, and posture
• Empathising with:
  • your own inner experience
  • the other person’s nervous system state

Curiosity signals safety. Safety allows understanding. Understanding allows choice.
Adult says: “I wonder what’s going on here — in me and in you?”

From Rescuer → Respectful, Responsible Responding

Adult knows the power of the pause.

• Moving from reaction → response
• Checking:
  • What’s mine to do?
  • What’s not mine?
• Respecting autonomy — yours and theirs
• Using boundaries instead of control
• Honouring agreements (explicit and implicit) with integrity

Adult doesn’t abandon care — it refines it.

Adult says: “I can care without over-functioning.”

An Important Truth: Adult Comes After Regulation

Here’s the key mistake many people make:

They try to think their way into Adult.

But Adult is state-dependent. If the nervous system is dysregulated, Adult simply isn’t accessible — no matter how much insight you have.
Polyvagal First, Psychology SecondThe theory can sit in the background. What matters first is:

• regulation
• co-regulation
• safety cues

Only then can the mind shift state.

Core Polyvagal Practices
(The Gateway to Adult)

Before asking yourself to “be more adult,” try these:
1. Orient to Safety

• Gently look around the room
• Name 3 things you can see, 2 you can hear, 1 you can feel
• Let your eyes soften

This tells your nervous system: I’m here, and I’m safe enough.

2. Slow the Body First

• Extend the exhale
• Drop the shoulders
• Unclench the jaw
• Feel your feet or seat

You’re not calming to suppress — you’re calming to access choice.

3. Co-Regulate Where Possible

• Sit with someone safe
• Speak aloud what’s happening inside
• Use warm tone and steady pacing

Adult thrives in connection, not isolation.

Practices for Moving from Child/Parent into Adult

Once regulation is present, these practices help consolidate Adult functioning:

Practice 1: Name the Ego State (Without Judgment)

• “A Child part of me feels overwhelmed.”
• “A Parent part of me wants to criticise.”
• "I feel pain in my heart, like a scared child"

Naming creates separation — and choice.

Practice 2: The Adult Pause Before responding, ask:

1. What’s happening in my body?
2. What story is my mind telling?
3. What response aligns with my values? What would my amazing Adult do?

Even a three-second pause and a deep breath can shift everything.

Practice 3: Responsibility Scan

• What am I responsible for?
• What am I not responsible for?
• What boundary would support mutual respect here?

Adult responsibility is clear — not lost in the FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Practice 4: Get Curious on Purpose. When tempted to judge, ask:

• “What makes sense about my or their reaction?”
• “What might this part be trying to protect?”
• “How can I approach myself / the other with calmness, compassion and curiosity?”

Calm curiosity dissolves drama.

The Heart of the Get Excited Method
This method isn’t about forcing maturity or suppressing your inner child.
It’s about recognising that:

The Adult state is where vitality, dignity, pleasure, and freedom live.
When you experience that — in your body, your relationships, your work — adulthood stops feeling like something to endure and starts feeling like something to grow into.

Not grim.

Not dull.

But alive, grounded, and genuinely exciting.
And once you’ve tasted that?
You don’t need to be dragged into adulthood.
You want it.

Work With Me
Do you want to live in Adult state most of the time — grounded, responsive, awake, and steering your own life rather than being pulled into drama? My work is designed to help you build exactly that capacity, step by step. You’ll learn how to regulate your nervous system, recognise when Child or Parent has taken over, and reliably return to Adult with clarity and choice. Three options to work on this with me:

1. Building Secure Attachments is a live group meeting for 12 weeks and learning together. I run it three times a year. 
2. Work with me 1:1 to delve deeply into your own journey

Work with me and your partner(s) in relationship coaching and work your patterns out together, as a team!

Having recently returned from a 5 day retreat I thought I’d write up my experiences of this modality. 

What is Family Constellations?
Family constellations is a therapeutic approach developed by German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger that explores how unconscious family dynamics and historical traumas can influence an individual's present-day life. It works on the principle that individuals are deeply connected to their family systems and may be entangled in patterns, issues, or emotions from past generations. Through a group or individual process, the method uses representatives to physically and experientially reveal these hidden connections, leading to a resolution and release of emotional burdens. These are some principles:

• We are all part of a long line of ancestors stretching far back into the past.
• We carry their genetic code and also parts of their culture, passed on through generations.
• We have proven, scientifically, that experiences are passed through genetics, especially trauma. We call it epigenetics. A prominent Transgenerational Epigenetic Inheritance (TEI) mouse experiment, conducted by Dr. Brian Dias and Kerry Ressler at Emory University in 2013, involved conditioning male mice to fear the smell of acetophenone (which has a cherry blossom-like scent
• FC postulates that through the playing our and intervening in a person’s constellation we can heal wounds within their family but also 7 generations back and/or forward. 

My image at the top is from Silvia Siret – Family Constellations Life Coach, an old fiend of mine. Check out her page for a more detailed explanation of the processes involved. 

My first time: Ember combe with Barbera Morgan
Probably a decade ago I attended a short weekend retreat. Back then I was more sceptical, but I remember experiencing the ‘magic’ of the work. I remember taking part in other people’s constellations. As a representative for someone else’s father I felt strange feelings and odd visual memories coming up. This is a major component of how they work. Each person who is brought into the centre of the circle is asked to continuously tune in as the process unfolds. What emerges is often spooky and profound. I can’t remember much from this weekend but I have some spooky examples to come. 

2024: Buddhafield with Lisa Friedberg
I loved Lisa’s style and in particular her introduction of what FC is. We had a huge tent full of people, maybe more than 100. She said things like:

• Nothing is coincidence. We are brought together as part of a complex tapestry. 
• This is a unique constellation right now and we are here for e reason.

I remember in Lisa's workshop I got to play the part of a dead father of the woman doing the constellation. I was in tears feeling a deep love for her. There were changes during her constellation and Lisa invited us to try certain phrases, often to assist in the healing process, such as “You are my daughter and I loved you into existence”. During the consolation I hugged the woman and I really felt as if I was her father. I left feeling deeply moved, which in itself is inspiring. 

2025: Buddhafield with Richard Buckworth 
I help run the men’s area at Buddhafield and this year Richard attended, who is a seasoned pro with FC. His workshop had around 20 men in it and the man who was exploring his past constellation had themes of violence within it, meaning he had to hold of energy and it was very intense. At one point we all helped hold the man so he could rage. I found Richard’s style to be very guiding - he offered a lot of knowledge about the process and many verbal interventions for all the representatives. This stimulated a lot of emotion. It seemed to me that the facilitator’s skill and intuition is very important in this process.  I also pondered how much his interventions guided things and questioned if this was a bit of a puppet show?

Petr Málek: Path of Soul and Shadow 
I’d heard excellent things about Peter’s facilitation and to be honest I was at first sceptical, especially as, on the first night of the five day retreat I attended with him in Wales he openly shared his ideas about what was going on for some of the participants, before really setting up a safer container.
However, upon seeing him work skilfully over the next few days I began to trust his intuition, skill and love and I was profoundly inspired. He has a very direct style, a soft deep voice, which he uses skilfully, with dramatic pauses and gentle pace. He trusts himself. Some might consider this arrogant but I think he was really trying to offer truth from his heart and help trigger some emotion in people, to help them to connect to their truth. 

Constellations AND Shamanic Healings
The 5 days were incredible and we got to do a constellation or a shamanic healing for each of the 20 participants as well as engage in group discussions about the work and to hear lengthy daily sharing from each person. What emerged was a group dynamic of deep love and trust. Petr’s version of a Shamanic Healing was a more receptive version of FC which is intended to heal past life traumas. I was sceptical already, when he told us this. I also remained open to the possibilities. He has one participant lie in the middle of 8 people, who represented 8 key energies:

• North - Spirit / Soul - This was the energy that we were focused on during the retreat. Petr did some incredible exercises to encourage us to tune into and follow our spirit throughout the retreat. I really liked this mysterious quality. Whether I believe in it or not I love the feeling I get when I consider my soul.
• South - Bod 
• East - Emotions / Inner Child
• West - Heart Mind - I think this represents the more adult sense of self. In ancient Chinese medicine emotion and reason were not considered as separate.
• North East - Ancestors
• South West - Karma / Knowledge of past lives
• South East - The Dream - The mission of this person in this life
• North West - Energy - The life force that motivates the person to live

My Experience of the Shamanic Healing
I took part in supporting a female recipient and I ended up sat in the position of North West (Energy). During the healing process I witnessed a man, representing the recipient’s emotions, display real and deep grief and said some things that were incredibly apt for the participant and no one knew them beforehand. So there was no priming and the recipient did not display any clues in their body language. This is anecdotal evidence for something deeper at play. Were we really tuning into her soul and past lives?

Pondering - What Is Going On?
My theory is that we humans do have a deeper connection than we know. The subconscious and the genetic connections work on levels that we have not fully discovered. However science does have a basic understanding about mirror neurons, epigenetics and body language cues that could somewhat explain the spooky connections and coincidences. Are we picking up on subtle cues and being primed by the skilful facilitator to have strong emotional experiences? And to what end?

My Constellation
Regardless of all the rational mind stuff I went into my constellation with an open mind. In the end we only did a basic piece with a woman representing ‘love’ but she could also represent my mother, because before the constellation I shared both my wish “To feel genuine love” and some of my background, which included information about how my relationship with my mum affected me. It was a powerful piece of work that had me slowly walking towards her and acknowledging my pain but in a more truthful way. “I missed you”, “You gave me life”, 
At the end of the work I had received a powerful emotional experience to help me confirm the receiving of genuine love. I think this is what makes the therapy so powerful. Humans need profound emotional experiences to anchor psychological changes. Accepting the truth, forgiving our forebears and coming towards a positive intention is all part of it. 

Would I recommend it?
I had a fascinating time at the experience and I really liked the ‘grounding practices’ in the breaks, which included working on the land with the local community. After every break we would dance together to loud music - which I loved. Petr offered some brilliant exercises all designed to help us come back to forgiveness, acceptance and seeing our own blame and shame and how they repeat patterns of dysfunction for us. He wouldn’t put it that way but I could see the underlying processes and I was impressed. I think the danger of this work is that people get so swayed with the ‘woo’ and so enamoured with Petr that they believe it too much and can have a hard time staying grounded in the reality of the present moment. Nonetheless I would recommend it, especially if you like a challenge with a facilitator who will be quite direct and strong in his approach. 

And now...?
I’m personally going to direct my energy back towards attachment theory and habit change, grounded in evidence based approaches - both for myself and in what I offer to clients. I’m excited to add to my next course of Building Secure Attachments with some of my learnings and if you’d like to work with me please contact me today.
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I’ve just read this wonderful article about the importance of telling your story and I largely agree with it. As a counsellor my training has helped me to understand that shame lurks in our shadows and can cause havoc in our lives through unseen adaptations from negative childhood experiences and when we open up about our story we can bring that shame into conscious awareness and that enables us to accept our adaptations with compassion and then gradually change them to become more healthy and less destructive. 

Brain Biases For Survival 
However… and this is a big however… I personally think the counselling world does not educate and provide enough warnings to clients. As a coach and an advocate of mediation and positive psychology there is a very important aspect to bear in mind when framing our stories - the biases of the brain, which will always prioritize survival, and therefore FEAR (and other negative emotions that shock us). A bias is a systematic distortion of the facts, leaning towards a certain angle. Because of evolution the brain tends to bias towards:

1. Negativity - it will tend to look for problems, instead of positive  things to be grateful for
2. Amplification of problems - it will tend to make things bigger than they actually are, instead of seeing things in proportion, in a balanced way.
3. Confirmation of current beliefs - it will tend to try and uphold the beliefs already formed as these are ‘known’ and therefore ‘feel’ safer, instead of challenging beliefs and looking for new evidence. Brains love the known and fear the unknown. 

First Warning: Your Brain Doesn’t Really Want Happiness. 
With the knowledge of these things we can try to temper our stories. The first warming I would give to clients is - the brain will not want to temper the stories. It wants to hold on to the fear. The primal parts of the brain and millions of years old and have served it well to survive and reproduce. It doesn’t really care for happiness. It will always prioritize survival, and therefore fear. Drama is a great way of fueling fear.  

The Second Warning: Drama Is Addictive
The primal brain is basically addicted to drama. If you’re describing a challenging situation the brain will almost always want to dramatise it - to look for the problems and amplify them. It finds no-problem situations and factual sentences… kinda boring! Notice how when someone else tries to retell your situation without emotion the brain will get angry that the situation isn’t being presented dramatically enough. It will want to tell stories of brutal trauma and vulnerability. Whilst there is a place for that I believe that we must allow some space for raw, emotional expression and then we must try and let the stories go and come back to a healthy, balanced view. Again the brain will HATE this idea. It always wants to prioritize survival, so it will try to believe the negative and run life based on feelings instead of facts. 

The Third Warning: You Might Inadvertently Amplify Trauma
The problem with this is that it may amplify the traumatic memories and then the subsequent effects. It can become an obsessive thought pattern that can create powerfully problematic symptoms and behaviours like depression, anxiety, OCD, bitterness or even panic attacks, intrusive thoughts and more. These are known as negative feedback loops, where the results of the negative thoughts reinforce negative behaviours and then create evidence that supports more negative thoughts, 

Trauma vs Adaptation
Trauma is a real thing. I work with people who’ve lived under terrifying and unpredictable parents. I’ve worked with people who have been attacked and people who have had repeated abuse. It is important to emotionally validate how hard and traumatic these experiences were. However  ‘Developmental Trauma’ is not the event itself but the series of events and the internalised set of beliefs and behaviours that the child adapted to survive. I often define it as ‘too much, too fast, too soon, too alone’. It is times we were not only overwhelmed but didn’t have the resources and support from people to process it. 

But is everything challenging a ‘Trauma?’ 
Sometimes we define big T Trauma and little T trauma, butIt is increasingly recognized in psychology and neuroscience that many responses described as "trauma responses" are more accurately defined as adaptations to adverse, threatening, or challenging experiences. This shift in terminology emphasizes that these behaviors are not a sign of a broken system, but rather a set of intelligent, protective strategies the brain and body developed to ensure survival in the face of danger 

I fought hard to acknowledge my ‘Trauma’.
I know, I know, the brain fights this idea. It wants to cling on to the idea of trauma, because that is part of the drama triangle - the victim mindset. I think there is an important first step in identifying past pain and acknowledging how painful it was. Then as a second step we can challenge our own thinking and come to see that perhaps we have adapted to challenges and this is incredible!  There might be some benefits to taking this perspective:

• Reduces Stigma and Shame: Framing responses as adaptations helps remove the idea that a person is damaged or weak. It reframes their reactions as functional, albeit potentially no longer helpful in their current safe environment 
• Empowers Individuals: Recognizing these as protective measures highlights a person's resilience and agency, rather than just their victimhood. It acknowledges that they did what they needed to do to survive 
• Guides Treatment: Therapies can then focus not on simply eradicating "symptoms," but on helping the individual understand the original protective purpose of these adaptations and then gently updating their nervous system's response to align with current safety,
• Encourages Faith: When we see the world as challenges leading to growth we begin to see the universe as kind and helpful, even if it is rough, at times. The universe / god / our parents gave us life. Coming back to faith in life helps us feel grateful. 

The Discipline To Amplify Positivity,
As a counsellor I can attest to the power of expressing your pain and telling your story with a whole heart. It is so healing in itself, but I think that the healing job is only half complete at this point. Health is about balance. To balance the brain and the painful stories I believe we need to counteract the negative biases also. This includes:

• Recorrecting our language to be more accurate and not pedal the subtle lies within our stories (for example ‘trauma’ implies a wound
• Removing blame and shame by finding a balanced view and deeper understanding of the nuance of our past and of the people who hurt us.
• Remembering the positive parts of our past - the times where we were loved and supported or the times where we succeeded and connected beautifully.
• De-labelling ourselves and removing a fixed mindset to see ourselves as growth oriented  beings, adapting to change and choosing to make conscious choices in that process. 
• Defining the principles that you choose to lead the way in your life. 
• Practicing positive and healthy mental and physical habits. 

Positivity Is Actually Easier
The good news is you don’t have to use willpower to do this, you can use reminders. I call mindfulness Re-Mindfulness because all we’re really doing is reminding ourselves of some basic facts:

• Positivity, gratitude, appreciation and love feel great
• They also help us get things done in a more efficient way than fear
• They also help us connect more, which makes things even easier to do - teamwork makes the dream work. 
• They also help us to remember that life is good and give us more motivation to live life in a healthy and happy way. 

 
My personal practices
I’m not perfect, that’s for sure. I’m a work in progress. I can share with you what I’m attempting to do to steer myself to be more aligned with reality and to rebalance the negative mind:

1. TSP prayer, twice daily (Thank you, Sorry, Please)
2. My chosen principles are on the wall in my bathroom, where I see them daily
3. Name the brain. I call mine Jarvis - like Tony Stark’s AI computer companion. I tell it to stop thinking about things and it does! Having a separation really helps. 
4. Choosing my media carefully I've struggled with this a lot! Getting the algorithms on board helps, by clicking the appropriate like/dislike buttons on stuff you see (and reporting bad content).
   1. Reading helpful books
   2. Less news, more documentaries
   3. For downtime I read interesting fiction or play an instrument
5. Tea, lots of it, mostly decaffeinated or herbal. 
6. Listening to others and responding with empathy.
7. STEP into Worry time!  When I get emotions I stop and  note down each STEP ( Situation, Thoughts, Emotions and Potential consequences). I don’t review all these until about 4:30pm, before dinner, but after work - allocating a specific, limited period each day to focus solely on concerns.  By setting a time and place I can get on with my day and then the worry time is contained. I find it tends to be quite fun too! It helps put emotional thoughts into perspective. 

If you’d like help rediscovering you positive, playful and powerful adult self then come to a course or do some coaching with me.

​

​Do you wait for your phone to be at 1% to charge it?

So why are you doing that with yourself?

Remember:

• Your body is like a battery
• The longer you keep its energy near 1% the more its capacity reduces.
• Taking a break at 50% keeps you strong, and you recharge faster.

Rest isn't a reward for exhaustion.
It's a boost for performance.

Most people  think they need to earn their breaks.
What?!

The smartest people I know build breaks into their day. Rest Rituals to keep them going. 
They don't wait for permission.
They don't wait till they collapse.
They look after the body so that the body looks after the mind. 

Try this

Notice your warning signs or set a timer for 25 mins and notice:

• Any headaches, irritability, brain fog?
• Going to get another coffee?
• Reading the same email 4 times?

Rest rituals: Take micro-breaks before you crash:

•  5 minutes every hour beats a week off sick
•  A lunch walk beats weekend burnout
• Evening shutdown ritual beats Sunday anxiety

Normalise resting when you still have energy left.

• Prevention beats recovery every time
• Your brain solves problems during downtime.
• Creativity happens in the gaps.
• Your best ideas come in the shower for a reason.

Here's what I do:

1. Design meditations or breaks for myself as AUDIO RECORDINGS (I have a library now) on the smartphone. The latest one I made is eye exercises
2. Set a timer when you work so that you look away from the screen every 25 minutes (I sometimes skip one, but never two)
3. Schedule a 2pm meeting and go rest or listen to a book/ meditation / hypnosis / podcast for 45 mins)
4. Schedule a 5pm meeting and go through your day and plan for tomorrow. 

What do you do? Would you like help in being able to change gear more easily and look after he mind and body? Do a coaching session with me. 

​Wishing you a restful day.

Neil 

Depending on where the client is at we would usually look at the following 3 stages:

1. Psychotherapy counselling - delving into the past pain to understand the client's wounds and patterns
2. Hypnosis and reprogramming - developing a set of pattern interrupts and affirm a new positive set of beliefs that changes the inner state to a more calm, confident and creative mode. 
3. Growth coaching - developing new goals and plans to create the future you. 
4. Community building - it's no good trying to do it all on your own!

Principles 

• If we focus too much on problems, diagnosis and trauma we end up amplifying them
• We simply need understanding to fuel enough  compassion and forgiveness so that we can move on 
• Neuroscience recognises the brain has a fear based primal brain that takes over the more we imagine negative things and behave in negative ways. 
• Conversely we have a rational part of the brain that is positive and solution focused that we can grow if we exercise it daily through positive thoughts, positive actions and positive interactions 
• To prevent toxic positivity we use the 80/20 principle. 20 percent of the time we acknowledge the pain and vulnerable things but then 80 percent is focused positively. 
• Humans are vision holders. We like to plan, using our binoculars forward facing vision. We need to see a clear path ahead to health and wealth. So we give clients a clear plan of action, instead of blind faith in an ambiguous process. 
• Humans are social animals. A major component of the plan is building in social connection and accountability. We are much more likely to follow through on things if we have people alongside us on the journey. 
• Relationships are therefore fundamental to happy lives and so we proscribe learning how to relate better as a fundamental part of the healing and growth journey. 

A clear roadmap:
Here is a bit more detail with an estimate of overlapping times for each part:

1. Counselling: 4-8 weeks of Psychotherapy ending in a clear instruction manual for you, which clearly defined wound origins, resulting patterns, triggers,. Pattern interrupts, healthy growth strategies 
2. Meditation and Hypnosis: 2-4 weeks of reprogramming - creating custom affirmations and visualisations that are to be used daily for a whole month, alongside positively-mindful coaching 
3. Coaching: 4-8 weeks of life coaching - looking at all 12 areas of life and establishing balanced goals whilst setting up accountability and social connection. 
4. Community Building: - Relationship coaching - working with partners to create cooperation and communication skills that enable future growth. This can happen throughout the process and can vary in time. ​

By the end of this process I want each client to have 'an instruction manual for me' - which includes a deep understanding about their past wounds and patterns, a clear set of tools and practices to help them be positive, clear and calm in the present moment and a sense of purpose and direction in looking ahead.  

If you're interested to try this get in touch with me here. 

Contrary to the sound of it THE WORK is joyful and it feels great. Yes it is work, but in some ways this is the first narrative to change. Work is hard, bad, difficult is not true. That’s an old narrative. Work is joyfully challenging and feels great is a new narrative. Can we ever completely remove our old narratives and replace them in this way? This blog explores just that question. 

Byron Katie 
experienced a severe, decade-long battle with depression, agoraphobia, and self-loathing before experiencing a profound shift in her thinking in 1986. This shift, which she calls "awakening to reality," involved realizing that suffering stemmed from believing stressful thoughts, and that freedom came from questioning those thoughts. Prior to this, she had been living in a state of paranoia, rage, and suicidal ideation, often unable to leave her bed. Was this realization an overnight shift? HELL NO. But once the first narrative shifted (realising it was her thoughts, not her soul that was in error) then she began THE WORK and created a legacy that has helped millions of people. 

THE WORK
Consists of four questions and a turnaround. It invites us to be in the present moment, with a thought linked to a specific situation and to get curious about that thought. The end result can be that in the situation you get a DIS-CONFIRMING EXPERIENCE (Where the feeling state and outcome disconfirms the old belief) but also you add a few bricks to the new neural pathway. Do this many times over and the new pathway becomes a motorway. 

Will I get rid of the old neural pathway and pattern?
No, and you don’t want to. In England we have so many quaint old lanes, with grass growing in the middle of them. We didn’t destroy the old roads but instead they became less used, overgrown and now form part of the beauty of our countryside. In the same way your brain will maintain the old addictions, the old self-beliefs of shame and fear, but instead of those being the predominant patterns, they are more like old friends. You can have more choice about whether you go down them and more objectivity when you do, allowing you to reminisce or even find them beautiful. 

Parts analogy
Another way of thinking of these old patterns is like child-parts. The mini (or big) traumas of the past remain as upset children and their strategies for getting basic needs met. For example a bullied child has a need for feeling empowered and so alongside feelings of loneliness, shame and fear they develop a belief they need to be strong to be ok and then use strategies of aggression and arrogance. This child-part persists into adulthood, because it never received love and was never given a new job/strategy to meet the need. A strategy that is in alignment with the adult self. I call the beliefs and behaviours of the child-part SHADOW MISSIONS. They are the self sabotaging missions of the child-part that don’t align with how we want to be. The solution? Change the way we relate to these child-parts and give them new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving that align with the KIND WISE ADULT MISSIONS. 

How can we change the child-parts
It’s the same process as changing the neural pathways from old narratives into new updates paths and narratives. The only difference is we humanise it, which in my view is right and healthy. We see that we are not machines or roads or computers to be updated, but instead human beings, with vulnerabilities, emotions and deep senses of meaning. If we can being to relate to ourselves in this way, using re-parenting practices, journaling, therapy and creating disconfirming experiences in our real-life relationships then gradually we learn to love oeuvres, including all these child-parts. Then they don’t need to disappear, but instead become quieter, calmer and more aligned in their strategies with the adult self. 

The spiritual dimension
As well as being human many people believe we are also spiritual in nature, meaning we are bigger than just a body on a planet. Each person has their own belief around this and we can also explore this in coaching to build upon the beliefs in helpful ways. Let’s face it, people who believe in a compassionate god who is looking out for them and guiding them to be healthy members of society are generally happier and more functional. So as we explore these concepts we can actually tap into deep states of connection and spooky things can happen that can really test our assumptions of the physical world in ways that can be supportive for us and for the world. 

Deep coaching 
This is deep work and I believe that each person has their own path with it. My facilitation and coaching is not to tell people what is right or wrong, but to be alongside a person as they do the work, to hold their hand, to encourage them back on track when they falter and to enjoy the process with them. It’s a joy and privilege for me and I am lucky that I get to learn a lot from clients as we journey alongside one another. I called my business positively-mindful because that is the way I work. I focus positively - on what the client loves and wants, and I focus on mindfulness - being present with what is, with compassion and curiosity. 

If you’d like to do the deep work of coaching and develop yourself please get in touch here.

Big Love 
Neil 

​

When was the last time you fully embraced something you couldn't fully understand? Our instinct is to simplify, to reduce, to make manageable—but what might we discover if we open ourselves to complexity instead?

Touch&Play
I help run a festival each year: Touch&Play. This year's theme was inspired by observing the group dynamics and group play of last year’s events. Jamus, Daniel and I contemplated How can we embrace the complexity inherent in group interactions—whether through play, dance, or touch?

Intention Drives Growth 
As with last year the theme can take a life of its own. In my own mind it has taken root, with some discomfort, I might add. I deliberately limit my exposure to world news partly because I see it as propaganda of cherry picked, biased, bad news which seems to make my suggestible mind lose faith in human nature. But the other reason is that the world is just so bloody complex. I found this quote: 

"Our society is complex, and we teach our students that they could just fix it. It's like: ‘go fix a military helicopter, and see how far you get with that’. You’re like a chimp with a wrench: Whack! “Oh look! It’s better!” It’s like: No! it’s not better…Things are complicated and to fix things is really hard! And you have to be like a golden tool to fix things. And you’re not! So… how do you overcome the suffering of life? Be a better person!... Well, that’s hard! It takes responsibility! I you said to someone: Do you want to have a meaningful life? Then… everything you do matters! Everything!" (Unknown) 

Overwhelm At The Problems In The World
I sometimes feel overwhelmed with life. I sometimes wake imagining what it would be like to have the power... to solve all the problems, to heal all the broken people, greedy dictators, psychopaths, gang members, human traffickers, rapists, bad parents, corrupt politicians… but then you realise the list goes on and on and on. And it includes me. I’m so utterly imperfect, greedy, selfish and like everyone else I might have good intentions but I don’t have the capacity to fully wrap my head around the complexity of all the issues. 

Ethics
Even if I extract one societal issue, like say ‘the ethics and practices of consent’ (which is something I teach on). Well it quickly becomes so vastly complex with grey areas that require consideration of nuance and context that I cannot make hard and fast rules completely. This is why Touch&Play have gone through many iterations of consent models, including enthusiastic consent, ‘messy’ consent, sovereign choice, trauma informed consent… The problem is ongoing and complex. And that is one problem in a pile of billions, each of them subtly interconnected. 

So how then do I embrace complexity and live well, without becoming overwhelmed? 
I’ve been reading ‘Humankind: A Hopeful History’ by R Bregman and what I love about it is that it cuts through the propaganda we are drip fed daily - that human beings are selfish and greedy. Instead it looks at the accurate data throughout history to see a brighter perspective; we are mostly good and descent. When crisis happens we come together and help one another. Sure, we have rotten apples, traumatised people, challenges and problems, but if you dig in to the human heart you find a core of care and compassion. People want to do good. Yes the ideology of what ‘good’ means may be different from person to person, and in different ideological groups, but if we can hold faith that the human being primarily wants to do good we can come back to life, as it really is. 

Careful With What You Input
So many movies, news stories, TV shows and literature portray humans as the opposite. Like we are fundamentally bad and we have a thin veneer of society on top, keeping us in line. Movies like Batman - where the Joker is described: “some men just want to see the world burn”. The scary thing to me is that narratives like this create and fuel ideologies. They make us believe it’s true! Then we act on those beliefs! The book cites example after example where humans were being good, but then the news reports incited violence, because people ‘thought’ that other people were being bad. It’s so simple it boils my blood with anger. 

Connection With Our Own Depths
So one thing that I feel we need in this post truth age, more than anything is the ability to discern BS, lies, fake media, propaganda for what it is - clickbait, attention seeking nonsense. To do this incredibly difficult thing we need a stronger connection to reality as it really is. How do we do that? Connect with people. Connect with ourselves. Practice mindfulness - the art of being a curious observer of thoughts, feelings, sensations and of the world around us. Stop watching the news and instead sit down and think, research, talk to real people who have really been there. A variety of people. And finally to stop thinking we can solve all the world’s problems and kidding ourselves that we even understand them and instead focus on one or two problems at a time - mostly within our own locality. 

Slow Down, Ground. Come Down To The Bedrock Of Reality
We need to build ourselves up from a bedrock of reality. From this place right here and right now. A bit like Zorro Circles - the idea that you need to master your small circles first and then expand out from there. Embracing complexity means slowing down, zooming in and coming to things mindfully and compassionately. Acknowledge our ignorance and learn to discern truth through this process. For me, this is relaxing and calming. I relax the feelings of overwhelm and remember that I can’t solve, or even understand all the world’s problems and instead I come into connection with the people around me. I become curious about how they feel and what they need. Through this is enough complexity to fill a lifetime.

The Ripple Effect
What if our greatest challenge isn't solving complexity, but learning to dance with it? The most vibrant ecosystems, the most resilient communities, and the most profound connections all thrive not despite complexity, but because of it. My experience is that if I embrace the complexities first in myself, then in the local group around me, then things ripple out from there. I don't have to fix all of the world, but just connect and create, right where I am. 

If you'd like to come and explore this concept come to Touch&Play, or any of the Group works that I do. I do this work because I want to share and enjoy the complexity of myself and others, together, ​

Image: Finding a moment of peace is easier outside in beautiful places (Pixabay)

Modern life is noisy, both on an external level and also internally.
From the moment we wake up, we’re pulled into a rush of to-do lists, notifications and measured performance. In a world that moves like this, we need to be careful that not every moment is swallowed up in the whirlpool of activity. Sometimes, it is vital to cherish the smaller pauses, as they can be the most powerful.

What is a micro moment?
A micro-moment is exactly what it sounds like; just a few moments of calm, quiet intention in an otherwise busy day. These pauses don’t call for a yoga mat, a quiet room, or a full meditation session. They’re short, accessible, and can be surprisingly effective at getting you back in the mindspace you need to be in.

Moments of slowing down
These are the moments for you to take a breath, stretch your arms, feel the ground beneath your feet for a moment, and signal to your brain: It’s OK, you’re fine, you can slow down for a minute. For many people, building small rituals into the natural transitions of the day can make all the difference. The minute to pause before you check your email. That brief liminal space between finishing lunch and heading back to your desk. The couple of minutes you wait while the kettle is boiling. These are all opportunities to ground yourself, tune in to how your body is feeling and listen to what your mind is saying.

Keep it micro
What’s important is that these moments aren’t about perfection or absolute calm. They’re about consistency. A micro-moment can be as simple as closing your eyes for ten seconds, or choosing to walk or drink water instead of scrolling on your phone. You can use the tiny moments to sit quietly, light a candle, vape, sip tea, read a book, play a game, or scribble a few thoughts on paper. These gestures may be brief - indeed, that’s the point - but they build a stronger connection to a peaceful, present place, and they add up. In some ways it's important to keep them micro - to not let them become addiction, but instead serve as a way of soothing our nervous system. 

Individual Self Expression
Remember- do what works for you. Some people use breathing prompts: in for four, hold for four, then out for four. Others have a box of things that are good for the senses, with scents or textures that make them feel grounded. Even if your micro moment is sometimes seen by others as strange or unhealthy -  you know you best.  Often the stress of conforming to society's ideas of 'healthy coping strategies' can lead to more problems than if you just allowed yourself a micro bit of cake every now and then. 

Helping Our Relationships
Taking micro-moments isn’t just good for you and your mind, either: it’s great for relationships. When you take moments to self-regulate and connect with yourself again, you’re less likely to carry tension into conversations where it doesn’t belong. Even counting to ten before replying to a text can change the tone of an entire interaction. When our relationships are less stressful and more easeful life is much better. 

Choice, not chore
As important as all of the above is, it’s also important not to view these moments as obligatory, another thing to add to the to-do list. It’s about exploiting the moments that already exist. Taking the chance to let peace slip into your day and, before long, it becomes something you can do without even thinking about it. When you start to see these moments and take advantage, they become the canvas for your everyday life.

My Micro Moments
​For me - I love to take a micro walk. I do it 4 or 5 times a day. It helps me when I'm stressed. It gives me a place to express emotion and it reminds me of the wider, natural, beautiful world, thus changing my perspective and my internal state. My challenge to you is to reflect - what mindful moments help you and how could you do more, not as a chore, but as a fun, loving, wonderful way, today?

If you'd like help with this let me know. I love helping people connect with themselves and finding more confidence and peace by using tools like micro moment. 

  First it's important to understand the theory of: 

Three Emotion Regulation Systems

1. Threat System
   It's so important to detect threats - but remember this is activated by 'perceived' dangers (not necessarily REAL danger), triggering emotions like anxiety, anger, or shame. It prepares the body for "fight, flight, or freeze" responses. While essential for survival, chronic activation can lead to heightened stress and emotional dysregulation. We are living in a world filled with propaganda, bad news and 'misinformation'. If its not Hollywood movies then it is excerpts of short videos that don't tell the truth, but sure do a good job at pretending to. 
   
   
2. Drive System
   We all intrinsically want to grow, learn, create and relate. We are motivated to pursue goals and rewards, this system elicits feelings of excitement and pleasure. However, overreliance on achievement for self-worth can result in burnout and dissatisfaction. We also have to ask ourselves 'why am I pursuing these things? Is it REALLY important to me? If not, what is important to me?' We are surrounded by Hollywood sterotypes, adverts, propaganda and external pressures that can be confusing. What is your true self driven towards?
   
   
3. Soothe System
   When Harry Harlow studied baby monkeys he realised they NEEDED soothing as much as food. A sense of calm, safety, and contentment that the Soothing System provides is essential in regulating the other two systems. It is nurtured through self-compassion and supportive relationships. Unfortunately, individuals with histories of trauma or neglect may find this system underdeveloped or difficult to access. Plus we live in a world filled with macho propaganda, glorified violence and we still alienate vulnerability in our culture. 
   
   

How They Interact Problematically

1. Overactivation of the Drive System + Threat System

What happens:
In modern life, many people overuse the Drive System to escape uncomfortable feelings triggered by the Threat System. For example: feeling not good enough (Threat) → overworking to achieve success (Drive) → brief reward → burnout, anxiety, or shame when goals are not met → back to Threat.

How it feels:

• Restlessness, chronic dissatisfaction, anxiety, low self-worth.
• “I must achieve to be safe/loved” mindset.
  
  

​ Example:
A person constantly works late to avoid feelings of failure. The temporary high of achievement masks deeper insecurities, but when praise or results stop, the Threat System reactivates with shame or fear.

2. Underdevelopment of the Soothe System

What happens:
When the Soothe System is weak (common in people with trauma, neglect, or high-pressure environments), there’s no “emotional brake.”
You can get stuck swinging between Threat and Drive, with no inner safety or contentment.

How it feels:

• Exhaustion, inner harshness, inability to relax,
• inability to self-comfort or accept kindness.

Example:
Someone tries to meditate but feels anxious or like they’re “wasting time” — because they don’t yet know how to feel safe doing nothing or being compassionate to themselves.

3. Threat Hijacks Both Systems

What happens:
The Threat System can hijack both Drive and Soothe:
It turns Drive into compulsive striving.
It blocks Soothe with fear of vulnerability (“If I relax, I’ll lose control or fail”).

How it feels:

• Always on edge. Even joyful or restful moments are short-lived or feel unsafe.
• Internal critical voice often dominates (a function of the Threat System).

How to Find Balance Among the Three Systems

✅ 1. Build Awareness of the Three Modes

• Start labeling which system you're in: "Am I chasing something (Drive)? Avoiding something (Threat)? Or nurturing myself (Soothe)?
• This creates space between feeling and reaction.
  
  
  

✅ 2. Strengthen the Soothe System Daily

• Not easy if you haven't been shown compassion, but... 
• Regular self-soothing practices: warm baths, calming breathwork, time in nature, self-compassion meditations.
• Practicing loving-kindness or compassion-focused therapy techniques helps rewire the brain to feel safe and cared for.
  
  

✅ 3. Use Soothing to Regulate the Other Two

• Not easy when you haven't been shown how, but...
• When you notice yourself stuck in Drive or Threat:
• Pause and activate the Soothe System.
• Even 30 seconds of slow breathing with one hand on the heart can reset your state.
  
  

✅ 4. Set Boundaries with the Drive System

• Not easy, especially with ADHD and other conditions, but..
• Recognize when you're using goals or tasks to avoid feelings.
• Choose "values-based" actions over "achievement-based" actions to avoid burnout.
  
  

✅ 5. Reframe the Inner Critic

• Not easy if your critic is well embedded, but...
• Realize the inner critic is part of the Threat System trying to protect you.
• Respond with compassion instead of aggression or shame. E.g., “I hear you’re scared. I’ve got this.”
  
  

✅ 6. Balance Drive with Soothe-Based Success

• Pair goal-chasing with restorative practices. E.g., pursue your goals but also schedule time for joyful, unproductive rest.
• Success is more sustainable when grounded in a calm, secure base.
  
  

✅ 7. Therapeutic Support

• Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) or Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) are great for reshaping these systems.
• Especially helpful for developing a functional Soothe System in those with trauma or attachment wound

 In Summary:

• When Threat and Drive dominate, we suffer from anxiety, burnout, and disconnection.
• The Soothe System is not optional — it's essential.
• The goal isn’t to turn off Threat or Drive, but to balance them with the Soothe System, so we can pursue goals with peace, face fear with self-kindness, and feel safe in our own minds.

I help people with this 1:1 and in relationships and in groups. I run Building Secure Attachments a few times a year to equip people with the skills and tools to do just this. 

We all know just how much hard work goes into maintaining a healthy mind and body. Healthy habits take consistency, and it’s very easy to see a fitness routine and/or healthy diet go awry. And that means achieving good health can be an uphill battle, leaving you feeling exhausted and like you’re always a step behind where you should be. 

Well, I recommend these books "The Lazy Guru" and "How To Get What You Want Without Trying". (Although Stephen's book about Urban Warrior is better, but this title fits with this blog)

You could say  it's enlightened to have a big healthy dose of lazy in your life. I think there are ways to take some of this hard work out of the equation. Making good health more accessible is the best way to keep you on the right track with health goals, and that’s something we can help you with using the tips down below.  ​​​

Pexels Image - CC0 Licence
​Stephen Russell’s Barefoot Doctor’s Handbook for the Urban Warrior is a guide to navigating modern life with Taoist wisdom, energy practices, and mindset shifts. Here are five key lessons from the book:

1. Go with the Flow (Wu Wei) – Russell emphasizes the Taoist principle of Wu Wei, which means effortless action or flowing with life rather than resisting it. By trusting the natural course of events and adapting, you can reduce stress and find greater ease in daily life.
2. Master Your Energy (Chi Cultivation) – The book highlights the importance of managing your energy (chi) through breathing techniques, meditation, and movement (inspired by Tai Chi and Qigong). Strengthening your chi helps you stay balanced and resilient in a chaotic world.
3. Reframe Fear and Uncertainty – Fear is often just a mental construct. Russell encourages readers to shift their perception of challenges, seeing them as opportunities for growth rather than obstacles. By adjusting your mindset, you gain confidence and inner strength.
4. The Power of Playfulness – Life is not meant to be taken too seriously. A playful, lighthearted attitude helps you navigate difficulties with humor and creativity. Russell suggests using laughter and spontaneity to disarm negativity and keep your spirit buoyant.
5. Self-Healing and Autonomy – The Barefoot Doctor philosophy teaches that you have the power to heal yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. By tuning into your body’s wisdom, using self-massage, and practicing mindfulness, you can cultivate well-being without relying solely on external solutions.

Alongside this... 

Join a Support Group

You’re not alone in trying to achieve better health for yourself. There are going to be many others in your own neighbourhood or town that are trying to do the same. Because of that, it’s worth looking into a local health support group, whether you’re trying to work on a mental health goal or a physical one. 

You can also get some support from people qualified to provide it, such as PTs that work at your local gym, or counsellors who have an office in your town center. The first step will always be asking for help, and the second is being confident enough to take it. 

Noninvasive Procedures

There are plenty of noninvasive health procedures on the medical market, many of which can be more beneficial for you than the more traditional forms of surgery. Doing your research into such treatments, and how you can access them, can make dealing with your health a much more approachable, low stress subject. 

Dentistry is a good example of a medical field in which there are many noninvasive offerings. Say you’d like to get your teeth straightened; don’t resign yourself to an operation. Instead, look into clinics like Surbiton Dental, who can offer much more comfortable, long term ways to create the uniform smile you’re after. 

This is often far more beneficial on your long term oral health, and can prevent mental health worries stemming from a fear of invasive dental work.

Set One Goal at a Time

Don’t overwhelm yourself. If you want to achieve something for your health, make sure you're only working toward one goal at a time. Otherwise you’re likely to make the work far too hard and far too exhausting, and that’s never going to get you anywhere. 

Even if you feel like you need to put in 110%, don’t make yourself. You’re not going to give your all every single day, and it would be unrealistic to expect that from yourself. Those of us with busy jobs, busy lives, and little to no free time are often put on the back foot, and setting a goal you’ll never complete will only compound the misery you can feel around that. 

Don’t make good health harder than it needs to be. Work toward your own with support, clarity, and confidence.

Enjoy
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Remember that laughter is the best medicine, and its free. Use music, movement, humour and laughter to enjoy life and let it flow. 

Big love
Neil 

Giving and Receiving Feedback Graciously with "I want A RANT" tool was inspired by my time working at Embodied Love festival with Bear Philips. Bear's sub stack details their 'A RANT' tool and I've built upon that to help people in festivals, or in life, to give and receive feedback well. This is a vital skill in playing and working together harmoniously. We have to be able to have ruptures if we are to live authentically and therefore we need the ability to repair them by giving and receiving feedback graciously. 

I want A RANT: Intention, Request, Appreciate + Acknowledge, Needed (for repair), Time (to heal)

• I want: INTENTION: Have the intention to rebuild trust with that person. We are all ultimately looking to be heard and understood so that we know we are seen, safe and secure.

So what we want to do, to help that intention come to fruition, is: 

• A: ASK: Ask for consent to offer feedback “Do you have a moment now / later to talk about something that came up for me, please?”
• R: RECEIVE, REFLECT, RECOGNISE: 
  • Receive the gift of feedback with “Thank You” This honours the vulnerable process of giving feedback and prevents us from going into a defensiveness. Take a pause. Honour the other. (The full version is “Thank you for caring enough to give me honest feedback about how it felt for you. I’ll carefully consider what you’ve said.”) Then 
  • Reflect back what you heard… “I hear that when I… you felt….” 
  • Recognize the impact as fully as you can.  “I can see how it caused…”
• N: NEEDED (for repair): Ask for what is needed or offer something to repair the rupture.
  Examples are:
  - reassurance that I’ll be more careful,
  - apology,
  - hugs,
  - another check in later.
• T: TIME (to heal)  Allow for time to pass before expecting it all to calm down.

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Have a go for yourself. It's much better than bottling it up and holding resentment. It's also nice to receive feedback as a gift, because it makes you feel great and much more resilient. Good luck! 

Kirtan Kriya (which is pronounced KEER-tun KREE-a) is a type of meditation from the Kundalini yoga tradition that my partner has been exploring and so I thought I'd write a blog about it. 

It's a singing exercise, as it involves singing the sounds: "Saa Taa Naa Maa" along with repetitive finger movements, or mudras. It is non-religious and can be adapted to several lengths, but practicing it for just 12 minutes a day has been shown to reduce stress levels and increase activity in areas of the brain that are central to memory.

What does it all mean?
In Sanskrit, a kirtan is a song, and kriya refers to a specific set of movements. In the Eastern tradition, kriyas are used to help bring the body, mind and emotions into balance to enable healing. The mantra that is repeated while practicing Kirtan Kriya is designed to be uplifting. The sounds come from the mantra ‘Sat Nam’, which means “my true essence’. 
From an Eastern perspective it is believed that the placement of the tongue on the roof of the mouth while making these sounds stimulates 84 acupuncture points on the upper palate., which may cause a bio-chemical transformation in the brain.

I haven't yet found clinical research, but I've heard that utilizing the fingertip position in conjunction with the sounds enhances blood flow to particular areas in the motor-sensory part of the brain and that practicing Kirtan Kriya for just 12 minutes a day can improve cognition and activate parts of the brain that are central to memory. Can we replace the Kirtan Kriya sounds with other sounds or tasks? Who knows - but it's all about the meaning we imbue to the words, so if you have no meaning - ro 'emotional content' it is likely it won't be as effective.

How do you practice Kirtan Kriya?    

1. Repeat the Saa Taa Naa Maa sounds (or mantra) while sitting with your spine straight.
2. Your focus of concentration is imagining the sound flowing in through the top of your head and out the middle of your forehead (your third eye point) whilst changing between four finger positions:
   1. Saa: Index and thumb connected
   2. Taa: Middle finger and thumb connected
   3. Naa: Ring finger and thumb connected
   4. Maa: Pinky and thumb connected
3. For two minutes, sing in your normal voice.
4. For the next two minutes, sing in a whisper.
5. For the next four minutes, imagine saying the sound silently to yourself.
6. Then reverse the order, whispering for two minutes, and then out loud for two minutes, for a total of twelve minutes.
7. To end, inhale very deeply, stretch your hands above your head, and then bring them down slowly in a sweeping motion as you exhale.

Below is a YouTube video of the practice - enjoy.

Never in your life, you’ll hear the word misery so many times in a span of a few days, irrespective of whether you are going through hardships in life or not. They create the notion that life is a misery and they also give you the answer." -  Meillind Parsoya

GOENKA PSYCHOLOGY 
I know a lot of my dislike of Goenka is my own 'Sankhara' - my own personal patterns, including an addictive craving of fun stimulus. Yet still I find many of the ways of silly rules, pointless repetitions and clever use of story and metaphor somewhat psychologically manipulative. The  discourses are particularly full of dogma and they are always in the evening, when people are tired and suggestable. Of course isolated in 'noble silence' and not to write anything down, so it is very difficult to question or discuss anything. This article goes even deeper into the psychology at play but here are some highlights:

• He gains your trust by saying that you should question things. He later preaches that his technique is pure (unquestionable). 
• He makes fun of religious practices to both relate to those who are non-religious and to say that what he is doing is superior.  Paraphrased: 'Religions get away from what the original meaning of the teachings, but this technique is pure and doesn’t do that'. Ummm... ok. 
• He talks about the people who leave as being weak minded. Implies that we who stay are strong-minded and creates judgement towards those who leave. 

I perceived this 'brain washing' 10 years ago during my first attempt, but this time I wanted to check my doubts and try again and see if I could just ignore the cognitive dissonances and allow myself 10 days of meditation practice. 

BREAKING THE RULES
Back to my story - On the evening of day 2 I snuck out to my car and grabbed my phone and Bluetooth earbuds, mainly to allow me to sleep.  From then on I broke more and more rules. I  stayed in bed until 6:30am, to miss the 4:30am meditation. I did my own exercise, self massage and read my book to reflect and take care of myself. I even snuck a bowl of the daily lunch away to (hide in my room, so I could eat a proper meal at 5pm. 
In the meditation hall I hid my earbuds under my hat so that, as he continued chanting and chattering away, I could have music or an audiobook.
I also chose to leave the site (not allowed) each lunchtime for long walks, so I could exercise properly and also so I could sing! I really enjoyed these times and found restricting my voice for so long quite upsetting.   
It was all very deceptive, which felt fun, exhilarating, but not in alignment with a mindfulness practice at all. I was growing more concerned that I'd shot myself in the foot and was not really giving this retreat a proper go. 

LEAVING 
The reason I did the course is to meditate. I love meditation. But Goenka spends 3 days focusing on one spot (nose breathing) and then the rest of the time doing quick body scans, over and over and over. No visualising or using mantras allowed. Plus the dogma, plus the silly rules and silence... I found this intolerable, so I did my own 'loving kindness' meditations focused on all my fellows struggling around me. I also did my style of body scanning, gratitude practice and body visualisations. My meditations are usually 15 minutes, or 30 minutes at most, whereas Goenka asks us to sit for up to 2 hrs sometimes.  I was really enjoying the varied meditations, but didn't like the deceptions. Clearly I was on another path and I began to doubt if being here was a good idea.  I realised that with all the rules I was breaking I way out of integrity and not getting benefit from Goenka's style.
I have a fear of being perceived as a failure, which would be a purely egoic reason to stay, so I decided to face my fear and fail hard. I  decided I should  just go home, to my beautiful partner, house and food and practice my own way there. What a failure! ;)

MY WAY
As I reflect I can see I wasn’t really up for the Goenka style and I don't trust his techniques and perhaps I'm just not capable enough or ready yet. But I believe there are many paths to fulfilment in life and many ways to enjoy meditation and mindfulness.  I know of other retreat centres that are more humble and more open minded and I also remember I can meditate perfectly well at home.
Today I did a lovely 15 minutes meditation and gratitude practice to connect and settle mind and body and I went for a run and did some lovely stretching and exercising whilst listening to the seminal audiobook ‘Breathe’ by James Nestor.
I love this - I don’t have to go through 5 more days of deception or listening to nonsense. I can just enjoy life as it is, right now. It’s not all miserable Mr Goenka and I don’t need your style of Vipassana to be liberated.  I'm also aware that I may not be ready for what he's offering and perhaps I might be in the future able to tune into the essence of the practice, which I think is good.

SUMMARY
I want to add some big appreciation to the managers, teachers and servers at the retreat centre. It’s an amazing place and I still think there is so much in what they offer, but if you go it is essential that you are already somewhat grounded mentally and physically. If you follow the rules it’s a lot of time with just you and your mind, with no one to help you process or emote. I think it's likely you'll come to one of three conclusions:

1. Maybe he’s right and I’m wrong and go down that path, no matter how painful, horrible and sickening it is.
2. I just came here to meditate, so I can ignore all the nonsense and just do that.
3. I am sick of this nonsense, I’m leaving! 

I tried to do #1 and I tried to do #2, but in the end I’m settling on #3 - so I am off to enjoy my week of mindful activities, free to enjoy myself and meditate my way. I doubt I'll be back, but you never know. The cult of self-improvement and chasing enlightenment can be very convincing, especially when times are hard - so I'll have to remember three of my favourite spiritual teachers from the Lion King and their mantra: "Hakuna Matata" - it means no worries. 

The diagram here and below represents a roadmaps for healing using EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This is part of the AIP (Adaptive Information Processing Model)

The overall goals are to decrease your sensitivity to triggers and severity of resulting symptoms (depression, anxiety,  guilt, anger, negative beliefs or self-image) and improve and increase your internal resources, self-image and window of tolerance. It is often used to treat PTSD and other traumas. Modern thinking is that most of our ailments stem from childhood trauma, so this could be applicable to everyone.  Look at this EMDR Formulation tool PDF for a great way to understand this. 

My EMDR Therapy Experience 
My therapist helped me map out my three main core wounds. We did this after several weeks in the preperation stage, and we formulated a core mother wound and a core father wound, which resulted in unique triggers, belief systems and symptoms. It's very personal so I won't reveal it all, but being able to stand back from all that and see how things have formed allowed me to also consider what resources and resilience I have and consider my goals as we moved into the phase ' Protocol Of Stabilisation' and 'P5' installing more resilience to gradually help me to become more able to 'be with' challenges and less reactive, but also to spot my reactions sooner and have useful methods to come back into balance. 

My Humorous Adaptation Of The Model
I've  adapted the Formulation tool here to make it easier to understand, using acronyms (of course). I like to see things with humour to help me feel lightness and positivity even about traumatic things. This model isn't all of the work. The relationship between counsellor and client is still paramount as in the person centred model (which is the foundation of most counselling modalities) but this can help a person who, like me, finds it helpful to see the formulation of ones symptoms with clarity and form a roadmap towards their goals:

1. Traumatic Experiences and Memories of the Past  (TEMP) Through talking about the past and finding the emotional 'target' memories they are then rated on the 'Subjective Units of Disturbance Scale' (SUDS), from 0-10. The therapy doesn't start here, but these memories become apparent after a few sessions. 
2. Present Moment Triggers (PMT) Including Intrusions. This is the  beginning of the cycle of reactions that arise. This often becomes apparent in early sessions. 
3. Resilience and Resources (RnR). This could be grounding practices, joyful habits, but also psycho-spiritual imagination resources like a happy/calm place in your mind, or inner helpers (nurturer, protector, wise person). By building these up in advance you can prepare for challenges ahead. RnR is something we build on in later sessions. 
4. Belief Systems / Negative Cognitions (BS). We all have an inner narrative of beliefs which helped us to understand and survive the world of our childhood. Many of these are outdated, inner crate and unhelpful.  Eg. I am weak and pathetic, I need to always be strong and capable. Beliefs like this are useful sometimes, but become inflated and unbalanced leading to...
5. Protective Internal Symptoms and Strategies  (PISS).  The BS leads to behaviours, habits and feelings that are even more unhelpful and can create negative feedback loops and keep you stuck. Eg. Overworking, burning out, self criticism, shame, isolation... You can see how the unbalanced cognitions lead to unbalanced behaviour, which often triggers more painful emotions and deeper set strategies. We keep banging our head against the metaphoric wall!  Symptoms is usually what a client first notices and what brings them to therapy. It might be deep feelings  or behaviours. This is the starting point. 
6. Goals (G). We all need an aim. It's important to make some goals in therapy and this is reviewed at sessions 1, 6, 12, 18 and 24. However some clients may need more time and some may need less. We use the SUDS scale to determine success. 
7. Protocol Of Stabilisation (POS): Once we have that in place we begin the ‘protocol of stabilisation’, which can take between 4-6 sessions, where we use bilateral signals (tapping side to side, or similar with eye moments) as we utilise ‘installed resources’ to desensitize and reprogram your nervous system so that your window of tolerance gradually increases, and more calm, clarity and consciousness choice is possible.

Most of the work is in the preparation and planning 
Like going on a serious journey, it's so important to be well prepared. For example my one of my DIY jobs at home was painting a room and I'll tell you that 80% of the work was prep. Painting was the easy bit, made easier by good prep . If we take that analogy into therapy it means the first several session are the most important - gaining the history of the client and understanding and mapping out the Target TEMPs, PMTs, BS and PISS and build up RnR and aim at the G with a rough plan of action 

It's not just about the tools!
This formulation approach isn't for everyone but I really like it . The POS part is especially interesting as it uses b-lateral stimulation to help calm the nervous system as trigger memories are discussed. This is mind blowing how it can work, but again it's not just about the technique, but about the prep and the therapeutic relationship - these are key. If you resonate with the therapist I think this is most important. Tools are useless if not used well. 

If you'd like some help with working through your issues contact me here.