 Hey there,
I just finished a coaching session that sparked a fresh tool for navigating those familiar inner battles. The client was caught in the loop many of us know well: Am I actually making the world better? On one side, the evidence was clear and positive. He was leading by example-being a good listener, helping people feel safe, giving quality attention. There was a real ripple effect. He wasn’t doing nothing; overall, it was a net positive. Yet the inner voice kept pushing: “You could be doing more.” Ideas about startups, helping others launch their own, or diving into social entrepreneurship kept surfacing, quickly followed by a sense of pressure and self-doubt. The labels that emerged felt harsh: wasting potential, fearful, cowardly. Self-compassion seemed to be the missing piece. So together we created a practical exercise called “Give It a Voice.” This tool draws from Transactional Analysis (TA) ego states-the Critical Parent, the emotional Child, and the healthy Adult-as well as Internal Family Systems (IFS) thinking about distinct inner “parts.” It also aligns closely with the insightful reframing in the blog post “Getting Excited About Becoming an Adult” , which celebrates the Adult state not as boring responsibility, but as a source of alive, regulated energy, calm curiosity, and genuine freedom. Instead of trying to silence the critic, you give every part a full voice, then let the wise Adult respond from the present moment. How “Give It a Voice” WorksYou can practice this through journaling (writing the dialogue) or mirror work (speaking aloud while looking at yourself). Both make the inner conversation feel real and workable. Here’s the straightforward process: Identify the voices.
No filtering. Write or say exactly what it’s saying today. It might sound like:
Switch to the Wise Adult response. Speak as a compassionate best friend, proud parent, or loving mentor. Begin with: “Thank you, I hear you…” Then acknowledge real growth and effort without defensiveness-things like showing up consistently, taking bold steps in the past, or small wins from the day (a mindful practice, a run, starting a 1% improvement habit). End by gently steering into the present: “…and NOW let’s…”
Why This Tool Works So WellMost advice tells us to crush the inner critic or only listen to positivity. That rarely sticks because the critic is part of you-it’s trying (in its clumsy way) to keep you safe. “Give It a Voice” honours all parts without judgment, then lets the healthy Adult take the lead. This mirrors the powerful shift described in “Getting Excited About Becoming an Adult”: moving out of the Drama Triangle (where Critical Parent and reactive Child create loops of persecution, victimhood, or rescue) and into the Adult state of calm curiosity, respectful responsibility, and present-time choice. Remember - The Adult doesn’t eliminate the other parts-it softens them through repetition, regulation, and compassion. Triggers become opportunities. Effort feels satisfying again. Adulthood stops feeling like a grind and starts feeling alive. In our session, the daunting feeling (“I want to dothese impactful things”) stopped being proof of inadequacy. It became useful information: This matters, so of course it feels big. Failure is scary-that’s human. The tool transforms that fear into fuel instead of paralysis. It creates a place of non-judgment by design. No more blanket labels. Just an honest conversation between parts, followed by grounded action from the now. Try “Give It a Voice” TodayGrab a notebook or stand in front of a mirror. Ask yourself:
This isn’t about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming whole - stepping more often into that exciting Adult state where energy returns, choices feel clear, and you can keep making your positive ripple without burning out in self-criticism. Let me know how the tool lands for you. If you try it, feel free to share a snippet of your dialogue in the comments (I read them all). With compassion and forward momentum, Neil P.S. If you’d like the exact prompts I used in the session, just reply “GIVE IT A VOICE” and I’ll send them your way. Here’s to making self-compassion the new default-and getting genuinely excited about showing up as the Adult you’re becoming.
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Here’s a note I made to my ADHD brain, to remind me of something important.  You don’t need to feel like it. You don’t need to feel inspired. You don’t need to feel ready. You don’t need the perfect mood, the perfect song, the perfect coffee, the perfect morning. You don’t need the spark. You need the step. Just the step. Because here is the truth, and you already know it, and I’m going to say it again and again until it lands: Dopamine chasing is not freedom. It feels like freedom. It looks like freedom. But it is not freedom. It is delay. It is distraction. It is dependency. And dependency does not feel good.  Not really. It feels good for a moment. A scroll. A snack. A video. A hit. And then? Flat. Restless. Unsettled. So you chase again. And again. And again. And again. Not because you’re broken. Not because you’re lazy. Not because you lack discipline. But because your brain has learned a pattern: “Feel bad → find stimulation → feel better → repeat.” But what if there’s another pattern? What if there’s a quieter pattern? A slower pattern. A stronger pattern. Listen carefully: “Don’t feel like it → do it anyway → it gets easier → it becomes natural → it becomes enjoyable.” Not instantly. Not magically. But reliably.  Because effort compounds. Tiny effort. Repeated effort. Uninspired effort. This is the doorway. And you don’t have to run through it. You don’t have to leap through it. You don’t have to love it. You just have to walk. One step. Just one step when you don’t want to. That’s it. Because here’s the secret that no one tells you clearly enough: Ease is built. Ease is trained. Ease is the other side of resistance. You are not trying to feel good before you act. You are acting… so that feeling good can catch up later. And it will catch up. At first it’s hard. Then it’s awkward. Then it’s tolerable. Then it’s normal. Then it’s easy. Then it’s… enjoyable. Yes. Enjoyable. Not fake fun. Not frantic fun. Not scrolling, spiking, crashing fun. Real fun. The fun of momentum. The fun of clarity. The fun of doing something you once avoided… with ease. So when your mind says: “I need to feel like it.” You say: “No. I need to start.” When your mind says: “Just one more distraction.” You say: “Just one small action.” When your mind says: “This is too hard.” You say: “This is how it becomes easy.” Again. And again. And again. You don’t need to win the day. You don’t need to win the week. You need to win this moment. This choice. This action. This step.  Because every time you choose action over stimulation,
you are rewiring something deep. Every time you begin without wanting to, you are building something real. Every time you continue for just a little bit longer than comfort, you are stepping into a different life. A life where things get easier. Easier to start. Easier to continue. Easier to finish. Easier and easier and easier. Until one day you notice: You didn’t need the hype. You didn’t need the perfect mood. You didn’t need the dopamine hit. You just… started. And it felt good. Not at the beginning. But after. And that’s enough. That is more than enough. So remember: You don’t need to feel like it. You don’t need to feel inspired. You don’t need to feel ready. You need to take the step. Just the step. Just the step. Just the step.
I have realised that I am not the old patterns, the suffocating beliefs, the doubts, or the fears. I am not a diagnosis, nor am I the "rackets" I have secretly run inside to keep myself ‘safe’ and small. I am Neil; a diligent and deserving disciple of my own heart. You helped me remember a simple, yet radical truth: whatever positive values we admire and love in others—that is who we are. It is as simple as that. Yet, through years of conditioning and the weight of past choices, we forget. In my own work, I teach mindfulness in a way that some might call radical--incorporating play, swearing, and raw emotion. My goal isn't necessarily to help people become equanimous and peaceful in the traditional sense; it is to help them remember who they really are. Perhaps "Remindfulness" is the more apt term. Your Satvatove intensive acts as a necessary alarm clock, shouting "WAKE UP!". It reminds us that we are alive, we are brilliant, and we have an immediate opportunity to choose to love life. The challenge you pose is one I am now ready to fully embrace: Will I keep pretending I don’t know my own power, or will I take on the challenge of alignment? Life is only hard when we resist the truth and do that which appears easy in the short term, because we've forgotten how powerful we really are. We expend massive amounts of energy hiding and pretending, which only leads to the shadows of anxiety and depression. When your course says, "Give it a voice!", it resonates with the very core of what I have been teaching in my Building Secure Attachments course, but I see now that I lacked your level of clarity and directness and also I wasn’t being loud and proud enough - until now! In my course I have taught that to escape the Drama (child) Triangle —the cycle of victim, rescuer, and perpetrator— and move into the Adult triangle - the qualities of respect & responsibility, compassionate curiosity and voicing our vulnerability we have to come to a place of voluntarily choosing to vocalize our vulnerability. To be seen and heard by those who are willing to celebrate our process of remembering is powerful medicine. You, David, are adult enough not to take on another's anger or become defensive, even when it is directed at you. You have decided to give up your "right" to be offended and defend because you care too much to let false ego stand in the way of another person's transformation, of my remembering - and I’m touched to my core. You showed deep understanding in the face of my rage. Thank you. I see now - We have always been brilliant; we just took on too much bullshit along the way. Now is the time to give it a voice, to reclaim that healthy anger, and to reassert the truth of our highest good. Once again David, my gratitude; No one has been able to hold my anger the way you have, and the gift I have received moves me to tears as I write this. You have inspired me, and I will endeavour to use your model to help others find their own way back to themselves. I am excited to be alive. Today, I choose to be me. With deepest respect and appreciation, Neil Morbey Ps. I have a whole lot more thoughts on choice - how we can come to it without any sense of obligation, or looking good, or trying to be right or avoiding pain. I will hint at it here; rituals of play.   My best friend Scott McGregor told me something he'd heard from Micheal Boyle that landed in my body like a truth-bomb: In relationships: first you have your ideal… then your ordeal… then the REAL DEAL. It was so simple. So funny. And so painfully accurate. “We're born alone, we die alone, and we live alone, each on our own planet of perception. No two people have ever met… Even the people you know best and love with all your heart are your own projections… You're the one who orders your favorite food and loves your favorite music… You've always been your favorite subject — your only subject. It's all about you.” — Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy And honestly, that’s why relationships are such a powerful spiritual path. Because love, connection, healing, commitment, and agreements… they’re not just about “the other person.” They’re a journey into ourselves — a chance to remove our blocks to love and discover something deeper: Love is safe. Love is real. And I can trust it. Not just in romantic relationships — but in friendships, communities, personal development, sexuality, and even the relationship we have with ourselves. Let’s explore this more deeply: 1. The Ideal: The Fantasy That Pulls Us In The ideal is intoxicating - It’s the honeymoon phase. It’s the time where we project all of our hopes and dreams onto the person in front of us. The ideal is what inspires us - It shows us what we long for, but the ideal is also often a spiritual bypass in disguise. Because what we’re often idealising isn’t the other person. It's the idea that love will mean no discomfort. Even after the honeymoon phase we can keep coming back to fantasy. God knows I LOVE fantasy. Just the other day I was imagining being given a 2 week prognosis of dying and thinking of all the ‘Fuck it’ things I would do. Because this helps me avoid reality For me I have always imagined constant adventures, hedonism and ease of money making. Everything flows and my partner is so sexually open that we can play with others with zero jealousy and complete compersion. Playing with fantasy helps me avoid reality. The problem is that the more I attach to my fantasy the more I begin to see how reality cannot measure up… and so I lose all that yummy gratitude and inspiration and resentment and blame kicks in, leading to… 2. The Ordeal: Where the Work Actually Begins If we are lost in our thoughts this is where life gets very stressful. The cracks in the relationship become so large that they engulf us and we feel hopeless and lost. Negative thoughts can spiral and send us into anger, resentment and then guilt and depression. This is where couples come to couples therapy with me. The good news is that this is a fertile time. This is the compost of personal development! The ordeal is where we discover our attachment wounds, our nervous system patterns, our unmet childhood needs, and our resistance to accountability. And this is where many people unconsciously quit - Including me. I’ve been in so many relationships where things got vulnerable and real and then I pulled away, seeking the next fantasy and the next dopamine hit of novelty. Different attachment styles flavour the ordeal differently:
This is actually gold dust. By stepping out of our thoughts and observing we can follow the gold dust back we get to the original wound, either as imagination and memory or as somatic sensation in the body (or both). This is why I love the world of personal development. It's a time where I get to explore my pain and learn to open myself to more love and joy. I love working with couples and I love working on my own relationships. I love this shit! Because deep down I (and I imagine all of us) really want… 3. The Real Deal: Love, Beyond Fantasy I believe that when one truly understands someone one cannot help but love them. That doesn’t mean you always like everything they do or say or always want to hang out, but it points to a deeper love - an opening to who we really are and a deep sense of welcoming and belonging, together and a sense that we can be real with them and they can be real with us! Doesn’t that sound like a relief? No more pretending. No more secret resentments. A celebration of truth! This requires integration of truth, which includes conflict , rupture and repair. The real deal is when:
“There are two tragedies in life. The first is not getting what you want. The second is getting it.” This misquote is often attributed to playwright George Bernard Shaw, though sometimes credited to Oscar Wilde. It highlights a paradox: the pain of failure and the disillusionment of success, suggesting that desire often causes suffering, regardless of the outcome.Suggesting that beyond desire and longing is something more important to our soul - the need for intimacy and love, which requires working through our blocks to love - our fear of pain. Agreements and Broken Agreements Agreements it turns out are a gauge for our progress in this area. I’ve often struggled with the sense of obligation that goes along with agreements and commitment. When I look deeper into myself I find something hard to admit; If I continue to never commit or to break agreements then I can never trust myself. Damn! That sucks. In my personal investigations and in my work with clients the themes of responsibility and commitment is a common sticking point. This is why in counselling we form a counselling contract and uphold the boundaries quite strictly. It helps people to understand the importance of agreements in building inner security. The challenge is that making agreements can often activate anxiety and shame, because the moment we break an agreement, we trigger the fear of being judged, of disappointing someone, of being seen as selfish... of losing love And so the ordeal begins. Our insecure attachment patterns play out. The hardest part is actually facing up to the breaking of agreements, both with ourselves and with others. This is the deep truth that all boundaries and agreemenets are with ourselves and we break them regularly! Agreements Help Us Identify Integration or Disintigration The Hidden Gift of AgreementsAgreements aren’t there to restrict us. They’re there to reveal us. They shine a light on where our belief systems are delusional, where we’re over-giving to earn love, where we’re avoiding truth, and where we’re not fully in integrity with ourselves or others. Agreements show us. When we show up to do THE WORK and go through the ordeal we learn Integration means learning to hold fear, guilt, and desire with awareness and compassion — not trying to get rid of them, but letting them be present without letting them run your life. Remembering that fear doesn’t go away just because you want it to. If you try to “get rid of it”, you usually end up suppressing it (it leaks out sideways as irritability, avoidance, shutdown), or projecting it (blaming others). So fear ends up running your life from the shadows. When I coach people it's helping them see thier inner fears and acknowledge them, but then make a new agreement not to react from them. For example John was finding he was rescuing his girlfriend from her fearful emotions and he was getting burned out. He now knows to pause and say: “A part of me really wants to rescue you right now because I hate seeing you in pain. But I trust you can feel this, and I can stay close while you do.” That’s integration, without the need for the ideal (which is born from fear of pain). What Is The Real Deal, Really? The real deal is presence in the face of the reality of our beautiful imperfections and learning to love them all in ourselves and each other. Imagine that? Imagine feeling that you adore yourself and each other in the same way you would a little toddler who is doing their best, trying to walk and falling over. The human spirit is beautiful in its trying and all its little coping mechanisms. When we can reveal and integrate our fearful blocks to love then we are living in THE REAL DEAL. Want some help navigating your ordeal? Contact me for some counselling or coaching and I’d be happy to be alongside you and celebrating your progress.  We all have traumatic memories from our childhood. These are like gold dust — little clues that can lead us back to the treasure hidden inside our trauma. In this blog I want to tell the story of one of my recent discoveries, following the gold dust of… cuddly toys! Let me explain… Also I was listening to this song by a good friend Danny Emerson and I love it! Syncronicity is ofen a signal of the goldust leading us in the right direction, I think. Listen as you read... My Story When I was about 11 years old and just beginning secondary school, I was having a hard time. I was finding that the other children were no longer playful and innocent like they were in my previous school. Instead, they were competitive, macho, and unpleasant. Bullying became a daily occurrence. Toughening up As an impressionable boy needing to fit in, I made an internal decision to toughen up. It was around this time that my mum was worried about me, but she was also going through her own challenges with my father and my brother. Home life was difficult, and mum was fussing over me because she could see something was wrong. I clearly remember pushing her away and taking all of my cuddly toys (I had about 20!) and throwing them into bin bags for the charity shop. At the time, I pushed down any feelings of sadness. This was something I felt I had to do to survive, but I wasn’t happy about it. Deep down, I was very sad. I recall talking about this memory in therapy, and also during my counselling course. The trauma of “toughening up” was symbolised by the discarding of all of my cuddly toys. It’s a memory that sometimes brings me to tears. Man Neil Fast forward 30 years and I am now a stepdad to a wonderful little girl, and the partner of her mum, Claire. In the last four years this relationship has been both wonderful and challenging. I do a lot of personal development, which helps — but I think the simple fact of being in a committed relationship has been the most profound thing of all. It has stripped back my defences and is bringing me back to love. The tragic truth is that since secondary school, I’ve hardly ever felt that soft, squishy love feeling. Then, during one of my many distracting practices — scrolling Instagram videos — I came across Pulse of Potential: a wellbeing brand that makes tools for emotional support, including their popular weighted plush animals (sloths, pandas, and more). They’re designed to be comforting rather than “just cute” — something you can hold when you’re stressed, overwhelmed, lonely, anxious, or struggling to settle. The company positions them as simple, nervous-system-friendly supports, alongside journals and reflective resources, aimed at helping people feel safer in their bodies and more emotionally steady. I was sold instantly. I ordered the Cow and the Red Panda (because one has short hair and a big tail and looks soft, and the other has long hair and horns!). I couldn’t wait for them to arrive. When they did, I was so happy. And then a little voice appeared: “What are you doing?! You’re a grown man. You’re not supposed to have fluffy toys!” Even now, that voice brings me close to tears. It sounds like my father, and every bully I’ve ever encountered. But the new man that I am embraced softness, tenderness, and soothing. I’m not afraid of being labelled weak anymore. That night I held Cow and Red close and cried. I chose cuddling Claire instead of scrolling and porn. I realised my nervous system has been longing for a safe way to choose co-regulation through cuddles. I slept like a contented baby. I woke with a new realisation of how much this means to me. In the coming days, Claire’s daughter returned and fell in love with Red. I offered it to her to sleep with. It was adorable, and I sometimes watched her sleeping with Red, and it was genuinely beautiful. After two nights, though, I realised something else. My inner child wanted Red back — and felt sad that I had bought them for myself, but then given them away. It was a weird inner conflict between my inner parent (who loved seeing this little girl love the panda) and my own inner boy, who longed to be valued too. Since then, Claire and I have talked with Seren, and we’re modelling how adults — and men — can have vulnerable feelings. We’ve included her in our choices, and we’re now ordering another one just for her, so I can keep Red for myself. This kind of self-love feels so alien to the old version of me. I think of my father and his disapproving glare. I think of the people who will judge this blog as pathetic. I hold all that inside and I say, “Thank you.” Because I realise now those voices make me even more dedicated to my mission: helping men soften their hearts and return to love — to co-regulation, to asking for their sensitive needs to be seen, heard, and respected. Most of all, to realise that this is an inner game: meeting the internal parents, bullies, and painful messaging with love, compassion, and committed action. I am so grateful for the gold dust of my trauma. Thank you.   A lot of the people I work with aren’t “broken”. They’re just stuck. Stuck in overthinking. Stuck in avoidance. Stuck in old relationship patterns. Stuck in anxiety, shame, self-doubt, procrastination… or that familiar feeling of “I know what I should do, but I can’t seem to do it.” One of the main frameworks I use in my coaching and counselling is Acceptance and Commitment Training (ACT) — originally developed in the 1980s by psychologist Steven Hayes, drawing on behavioural psychology and mindfulness-based approaches. What I love about ACT is that it doesn’t ask you to “get rid” of difficult emotions or force your mind to be positive. It’s not about fixing you. Instead, ACT teaches something much more practical: How to stay present with what’s real, unhook from unhelpful mind stories, and take action based on what actually works to get you what you want!  No FIXING, more WORKING with...
Rather than trying to “fix” your emotions or eliminate uncomfortable thoughts, ACT teaches you to make space internally, challenge thoughts and reconnect with your true values. Working with the tool yourself or with a coach can:
However I found the HEX format USELESS! So I made one that I find works much better: WORKING (ACT Model) (Made by me, Neil Morbey) W — What’s happening?
O — Opinions?
R — Real Feelings
K — Keeping Safe
I — Internal Conflict
N — Net Result
G — Goal-Directed Action
Why it works (the logic of the flow)
WORKING is all about ACTing in a way that works to create the life you really want. Would you like to work with me? Get in touch  I’ve been working with Alex and Sarah for a few weeks and we’ve been getting into the use of SAFER communication - a tool to help in those times where vulnerable feelings need to be shared. The first step of SAFER is called Space; the tuning into the capacity of the moment. Am I able to hold this right now or do I need to pause? Is this physical space appropriate? (privacy, timing etc). Have I checked in if the other has the space to listen and is willing? Space = Capacity It is the crucial step that makes the key difference in communication. When we try to share and listen from a dysregulated nervous system we inevitably slip into our adapted child or critical parent roles (Transactional Analysis) or the roles of the Karpman Drama Triangle (Rescuer, Perpetrator, Victim). When we practice the tool of SAFER communication together we can actually use the rupture and repair process to build a deeper sense of understanding and love. Let’s look at Alex and Sarah’s session to get into it: A Moment Of Rupture Alex began. He described a moment that escalated far more quickly than either intended. What began as a brief, honest check-in turned into a familiar cycle of misunderstanding, emotional flooding, and role-locking. “She asked how I was and I felt she was pushing for me to share, so I decided I’d take a risk and share a difficult truth…” Alex shared that, in a transitional moment at home, Sarah asked how he was feeling. He paused, tuned in, and chose to answer honestly but lightly: that he was feeling a bit low and wanting more fun and ease. What he was hoping for was a simple acknowledgement — something like “Thanks for telling me, I hear that… let’s talk more later- love you.” Instead, Sarah yawned and leaned back. She rolled her eyes and became exasperated. Alex experienced this not as tiredness, but as dismissal. Old material was activated quickly. He reactively diagnosed it: (one of the five Ds of disconnection) “Oh you’re having an emotional reaction to this?” In the session he told me that he later recognised that this reaction came from fear and frustration rather than curiosity. This comment immediately shifted the tone from sharing into trigger and processing. Key Moments to Check in with Space Moments like this exist all the time. If either partner has the skill they can pause and tune in. But at this point, neither partner checked whether there was space — internally or relationally — for a deeper conversation. This was a key moment. Once nervous system capacity is exceeded, even good tools become mechanical rather than regulating. Falling into emotionally reactive patterns and roles Seeing Sarah begin to share her own frustration, Alex moved into a familiar rescuing role. This is an adaptive strategy from earlier life: when emotional intensity appears, he stabilises, listens, reassures, and attempts to fix by using the SAFER tool mechanically. He reflected Sarah’s concerns carefully, particularly around feeling overstimulated and wanting a more calm presence, and he offered reassurance and behavioural change.Throughout this he had no inner space and was gritting his teeth with the emotion of frustration. His voice was tight. Alex then moved straight into his own sharing without checking for his own or Sarah’s capacity. He expressed that he didn’t feel seen or heard, and that he’d been making extra efforts to support Sarah while she’d been unwell. All the while Sarah was becoming visibly emotional with upset and tears. Overwhelm and victimhood became her state. She used the first D of disconnection - ‘Defensively’ expressing that she already carries too much responsibility and has given appreciation in the past. At this stage, the polarity locked in between them:
These roles can quickly shift and if the argument escalated it could end up in reverse, such is the tragedy of the drama triangle. When we communicate this way all of our innocent feelings and needs are tragically expressed as blame and shame. Trying to bring it back with SAFER communication They attempted to return to a structured communication tool, but neither had the nervous system flexibility to offer true empathy. Alex listened and reflected for several minutes, then asked for space to be heard. When he shared, the dominant feelings underneath were distrust, anger, and hopelessness — particularly the belief that he cannot share small, present-moment feelings without them escalating into something much larger. He voiced this in a way that became a globalised judgment of Sarah’s capacity. “I just don’t think you’re capable of hearing me and reflecting in a calm way!” Almost immediately, he recognised this as inaccurate and repaired verbally, acknowledging that she is capable and that his statement came from upset rather than truth. Eventually, they agreed to pause and return to the conversation later. However, time scarcity triggered further distress for Sarah, who felt abandoned by the pause. Alex held a boundary — not to punish or withdraw, but to stop the spiral — and suggested they end with physical contact to regulate rather than rupture. They hugged, acknowledging that fuller repair would need to happen later. Reflections I Offered the Couple The session was a retelling of the process and I listened calmly and celebrated each person in their self-awareness of the underlying patterns occurring. This couple have been working with me for long enough to begin to repair things and come back from blame quite easily now. Here was my summary:
Summary This rupture was not about fun, yawning, or appreciation. It was about capacity, timing, and safety. Both partners were trying to be met while already dysregulated. The system did what it always does under threat. What stood out was Alex’s growing ability to notice his adaptations in real time, Sarah’s eventual willingness to pause rather than pursue, and the couple’s shared commitment to returning as Adults rather than winning in the moment Follow-Up: Repair in the Following Session The following week, Alex and Sarah returned to the moment with more regulation. Alex began by naming the core vulnerability underneath his anger: “What I needed at that moment was just to be heard lightly. When it escalated, I felt hopeless and unsafe to share small things.” Sarah reflected this accurately without defending. She acknowledged that her yawn was a sign of overwhelm rather than disinterest, and that she often feels pressure when emotional conversations appear unexpectedly. Together, they agreed on a new micro-repair:
They ended the session with both partners expressing respect and appreciation — not for being right, but for staying in the work. This repair didn’t erase the pattern, but it softened it. And that is how secure relating is built: not by avoiding rupture, but by repairing it cleanly, slowly, and with respect and dignity. Would you like to be able to rupture and repair in a SAFER way? If you’d like to level up your communication and connection with a partner or just in yourself there are a few options to work with me:
 I've begun more training with Adam Lane Smith to help me teach my Building Secure Attachment Course at an even deeper level. This it he first of many blogs on the subject. In the intricate dance of relationships, many of us find ourselves caught in what psychologists call the anxious-avoidant cycle. My passion is to present a clearer view of the neurochemistry behind this pattern—and more importantly, tools to help break free from it.  Understanding the Problem: A Cycle of Anxiety and Withdrawal
At its core, the anxious-avoidant cycle is a pattern where one partner tends to crave closeness and reassurance (the anxious partner), while the other feels the need to pull away or avoid intense emotional closeness (the avoidant partner). This push-pull dynamic can create a lot of stress, misunderstanding, and heartache. The Neurochemistry Behind the Cycle At the heart of the anxious-avoudant dance is neurochemity - especially oxytocin, often known as the “bonding hormone.” In a secure relationship, oxytocin helps partners feel safe and connected. But for people with anxious or avoidant tendencies, that bonding process got wired a little differently in early childhood. For the Anxious Partner: Anxious traits amplify for connection. People with these traits often learned early on that love and support were inconsistent. When they cried out for help, sometimes they got comfort and sometimes they didn’t. This intermittent reinforcement is a bit like a gambler pressing a button, never knowing when the reward will come. As a result, the anxious partner learns to amplify their emotions to get attention and reassurance, becoming almost addicted to the oxytocin and dopamine that come with it. For the Avoidant Partner: On the flip side, avoidant traits withraw for safety, People with these traits learned that opening up emotionally could lead to feeling threatened or judged. For them, closeness and vulnerability got associated with stress hormones like cortisol rather than safety. So they learned to protect themselves by withdrawing from intimacy. Breaking the Cycle: he good news is that this cycle can be changed. A few practical techniques to get you started:
Looking Forward to Oxytocin Bonding One of the most uplifting parts of breaking the anxious-avoidant cycle is rediscovering the joy of true bonding. When both partners start to feel safer and more secure, they can actually look forward to those oxytocin-rich moments of connection. Instead of feeling like emotional intimacy is a battleground, it becomes something both partners can genuinely enjoy and anticipate. It’s about creating a relationship where both people feel safe enough to be themselves and to share closeness without fear. Final Thoughts and Acknowledgments When we understant the neurochemistry at play, and some practical tools to shift these patterns we can really affect change with compassion and care. If you’re interested in learning more about this work, definitely check out my Building Secure Attachment Course or private coaching. In the end, understanding the neurochemistry of anxious-avoidant attachment is a powerful step toward building healthier, more fulfilling relationships. With patience, awareness, and the right tools, it’s entirely possible to break the cycle and find the secure connection you deserve. For many people - including me - becoming an adult has often sounded like a downgrade: more responsibility, more effort, less fun. No wonder the nervous system resists. But what if adulthood isn’t about grim endurance at all? What if it’s actually the most liberating, pleasurable, and creative state we can inhabit? This blog introduces The “Get Excited” Method — a way of reframing adulthood so it feels motivating, energising, and even fun. It draws on Transactional Analysis (TA) ego states, integrates nervous-system awareness from polyvagal theory, and offers practical ways to move out of drama and into grounded adult aliveness.  A Slice of Sam’s Experience of Being An Adult Tuesday morning, rain lashing at the window - Sam wakes before the alarm, not with a jolt but with a familiar weight and warmth of the bed’s covers. Thoughts rush in and Sam notices them and begins the daily practice of gratitude, prayer - practices that keep Sam connected, calm, open and ADULT. Jo, Sam’s partner, is already up and moving around downstairs. “I wonder what’s up? Sam thinks.” Years ago that alone would have set something off in Sam - a flicker of irritation, a story about being left and all the anxiety and tightness that goes with that. Yet after so much integration of new patterns and habits there is a noticing, a smile and an ease in just getting up and going to the shower. EXCITED for the day ahead! In the kitchen, coffee is made slowly. Jo moves around the space in a way that used to land sharply: cupboards closing a little too firmly, attention half elsewhere, words brief and practical. Old Sam would have read meaning into every sound. Something’s wrong. I’ve done something. I need to fix this — or protect myself. The body would have braced without asking permission. Today, Sam feels the first hint of that brace and lets it soften. Feet on the floor. Breath out longer than in. Information, not emergency. This feels EASEFUL and JOYFUL! Jo says something distracted, eyes already on a screen - “Can you clean up your mess from last night, please?” There’s a familiar pull — the urge to rescue, to probe, to justify and defend. Sam notices the urge and the story rise and fall like a wave, “mmm… interesting!” Just a pause of curiosity long enough to remember: this is just useful data. Connection doesn’t need to be forced to be real. A feeling of SATISFACTION and PRIDE emerges and Sam reaches out a hand to touch Jo’s shoulder and create some easy connection. Talking respectfully they connect and talk about the day ahead and both Sam and Jo feel the JOY of teamwork and partnership. Later, Sam is out walking. The air is cool. The body feels oddly light. Not because everything went perfectly, but because Sam didn’t self-abandon and stayed present. No rescuing. No persecution. No vanishing. Just presence, boundary, and choice - living in INTEGRITY feels POWERFUL. Sam’s steps are light yet purposeful. This is the quiet rebellion of adulthood. Not control. Not compliance. But staying in the body when old triggers knock. Letting partnership be real rather than rehearsed. Allowing friction without turning it into drama. Sam keeps walking, aware that Jo will trigger things again — of course. That’s intimacy. And for the first time, that doesn’t feel like a threat. It feels like something Sam is actually EXCITED about. All the healing that is happening through the relationship is helping both Sam and Jo be AMAZING ADULTS! Why Adulthood Is Actually Exciting Did you like the slice of Sam’s Story? Here’s the reframe at the heart of The Get Excited Method: The Adult state is where energy returns. When you’re regulated and in ‘Adult Ego State’, you gain access to capacities that feel good in both body and mind. Adult Body: What Feels Great
 How? Time and practice The shift from Child into a sustained Adult state isn’t a mindset tweak or a one-off insight — it’s a practice, built slowly through repetition, patience, and kindness toward the nervous system. Child states don’t dissolve because they’re wrong; they soften because they’re no longer needed to survive. Each time activation arises and you pause rather than react, something new is being laid down in the body: I can feel this and stay present. At first, Adult may only flicker on for seconds at a time — a breath taken, a boundary named, a choice not to escalate. That counts. Over time, these small moments accumulate and the nervous system learns that regulation is not a fluke but an available state. This is why insight alone is never enough; without safety in the body, the Child will keep grabbing the wheel. Integration happens when you repeatedly meet triggers with orientation, breath, and curiosity, then speak or act from what is actually true now, not what was once dangerous. There will be relapses — moments of drama, collapse, or control — and these are not failures but information. The work is not to eliminate the Child, but to let Adult become the reliable home base that can listen, respond, and repair. With time, Adult stops being something you try to access and becomes the place you naturally return to — steady, responsive, and quietly in charge. Continue reading if you want to know more depth… A Quick TA Refresher: Child, Parent, Adult Transactional Analysis describes three primary ego states:
Child + Parent = Drama When the nervous system is dysregulated, Child and Parent ego states often lock together into what’s commonly called the Drama Triangle:
The Adult Triangle: Where Life Gets Good The Adult ego state isn’t cold, clinical, or boring. It’s alive, regulated, and powerful. When Adult is online, we naturally move into a different triangle — one based on agency, curiosity, and responsibility. From Victim → Voice & VulnerabilityAdult doesn’t silence emotion — it gives it language.
Adult says: “This is what I’m noticing in me right now.” That alone is deeply regulating — and empowering From Condemning Persecutor → Calm, Compassionate Curiosity Adult replaces judgment with interest.
Adult says: “I wonder what’s going on here — in me and in you?” From Rescuer → Respectful, Responsible Responding Adult knows the power of the pause.
Adult says: “I can care without over-functioning.” An Important Truth: Adult Comes After Regulation Here’s the key mistake many people make: They try to think their way into Adult. But Adult is state-dependent. If the nervous system is dysregulated, Adult simply isn’t accessible — no matter how much insight you have. Polyvagal First, Psychology SecondThe theory can sit in the background. What matters first is:
Core Polyvagal Practices (The Gateway to Adult) Before asking yourself to “be more adult,” try these: 1. Orient to Safety
2. Slow the Body First
3. Co-Regulate Where Possible
Practices for Moving from Child/Parent into Adult Once regulation is present, these practices help consolidate Adult functioning: Practice 1: Name the Ego State (Without Judgment)
Practice 2: The Adult Pause Before responding, ask:
Practice 3: Responsibility Scan
Practice 4: Get Curious on Purpose. When tempted to judge, ask:
The Heart of the Get Excited Method This method isn’t about forcing maturity or suppressing your inner child. It’s about recognising that: The Adult state is where vitality, dignity, pleasure, and freedom live. When you experience that — in your body, your relationships, your work — adulthood stops feeling like something to endure and starts feeling like something to grow into. Not grim. Not dull. But alive, grounded, and genuinely exciting. And once you’ve tasted that? You don’t need to be dragged into adulthood. You want it. Work With Me Do you want to live in Adult state most of the time — grounded, responsive, awake, and steering your own life rather than being pulled into drama? My work is designed to help you build exactly that capacity, step by step. You’ll learn how to regulate your nervous system, recognise when Child or Parent has taken over, and reliably return to Adult with clarity and choice. Three options to work on this with me:
  Image by Silvia Siret who is a Family Constellation guide Having recently returned from a 5 day retreat I thought I’d write up my experiences of this modality. What is Family Constellations? Family constellations is a therapeutic approach developed by German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger that explores how unconscious family dynamics and historical traumas can influence an individual's present-day life. It works on the principle that individuals are deeply connected to their family systems and may be entangled in patterns, issues, or emotions from past generations. Through a group or individual process, the method uses representatives to physically and experientially reveal these hidden connections, leading to a resolution and release of emotional burdens. These are some principles:
My image at the top is from Silvia Siret – Family Constellations Life Coach, an old fiend of mine. Check out her page for a more detailed explanation of the processes involved. My first time: Ember combe with Barbera Morgan Probably a decade ago I attended a short weekend retreat. Back then I was more sceptical, but I remember experiencing the ‘magic’ of the work. I remember taking part in other people’s constellations. As a representative for someone else’s father I felt strange feelings and odd visual memories coming up. This is a major component of how they work. Each person who is brought into the centre of the circle is asked to continuously tune in as the process unfolds. What emerges is often spooky and profound. I can’t remember much from this weekend but I have some spooky examples to come. 2024: Buddhafield with Lisa Friedberg I loved Lisa’s style and in particular her introduction of what FC is. We had a huge tent full of people, maybe more than 100. She said things like:
2025: Buddhafield with Richard Buckworth I help run the men’s area at Buddhafield and this year Richard attended, who is a seasoned pro with FC. His workshop had around 20 men in it and the man who was exploring his past constellation had themes of violence within it, meaning he had to hold of energy and it was very intense. At one point we all helped hold the man so he could rage. I found Richard’s style to be very guiding - he offered a lot of knowledge about the process and many verbal interventions for all the representatives. This stimulated a lot of emotion. It seemed to me that the facilitator’s skill and intuition is very important in this process. I also pondered how much his interventions guided things and questioned if this was a bit of a puppet show? Petr Málek: Path of Soul and Shadow I’d heard excellent things about Peter’s facilitation and to be honest I was at first sceptical, especially as, on the first night of the five day retreat I attended with him in Wales he openly shared his ideas about what was going on for some of the participants, before really setting up a safer container. However, upon seeing him work skilfully over the next few days I began to trust his intuition, skill and love and I was profoundly inspired. He has a very direct style, a soft deep voice, which he uses skilfully, with dramatic pauses and gentle pace. He trusts himself. Some might consider this arrogant but I think he was really trying to offer truth from his heart and help trigger some emotion in people, to help them to connect to their truth. Constellations AND Shamanic Healings The 5 days were incredible and we got to do a constellation or a shamanic healing for each of the 20 participants as well as engage in group discussions about the work and to hear lengthy daily sharing from each person. What emerged was a group dynamic of deep love and trust. Petr’s version of a Shamanic Healing was a more receptive version of FC which is intended to heal past life traumas. I was sceptical already, when he told us this. I also remained open to the possibilities. He has one participant lie in the middle of 8 people, who represented 8 key energies:
My Experience of the Shamanic Healing I took part in supporting a female recipient and I ended up sat in the position of North West (Energy). During the healing process I witnessed a man, representing the recipient’s emotions, display real and deep grief and said some things that were incredibly apt for the participant and no one knew them beforehand. So there was no priming and the recipient did not display any clues in their body language. This is anecdotal evidence for something deeper at play. Were we really tuning into her soul and past lives? Pondering - What Is Going On? My theory is that we humans do have a deeper connection than we know. The subconscious and the genetic connections work on levels that we have not fully discovered. However science does have a basic understanding about mirror neurons, epigenetics and body language cues that could somewhat explain the spooky connections and coincidences. Are we picking up on subtle cues and being primed by the skilful facilitator to have strong emotional experiences? And to what end? My Constellation Regardless of all the rational mind stuff I went into my constellation with an open mind. In the end we only did a basic piece with a woman representing ‘love’ but she could also represent my mother, because before the constellation I shared both my wish “To feel genuine love” and some of my background, which included information about how my relationship with my mum affected me. It was a powerful piece of work that had me slowly walking towards her and acknowledging my pain but in a more truthful way. “I missed you”, “You gave me life”, At the end of the work I had received a powerful emotional experience to help me confirm the receiving of genuine love. I think this is what makes the therapy so powerful. Humans need profound emotional experiences to anchor psychological changes. Accepting the truth, forgiving our forebears and coming towards a positive intention is all part of it. Would I recommend it? I had a fascinating time at the experience and I really liked the ‘grounding practices’ in the breaks, which included working on the land with the local community. After every break we would dance together to loud music - which I loved. Petr offered some brilliant exercises all designed to help us come back to forgiveness, acceptance and seeing our own blame and shame and how they repeat patterns of dysfunction for us. He wouldn’t put it that way but I could see the underlying processes and I was impressed. I think the danger of this work is that people get so swayed with the ‘woo’ and so enamoured with Petr that they believe it too much and can have a hard time staying grounded in the reality of the present moment. Nonetheless I would recommend it, especially if you like a challenge with a facilitator who will be quite direct and strong in his approach. And now...? I’m personally going to direct my energy back towards attachment theory and habit change, grounded in evidence based approaches - both for myself and in what I offer to clients. I’m excited to add to my next course of Building Secure Attachments with some of my learnings and if you’d like to work with me please contact me today.  Coed Hills Rural Arts Space where I did FC in 2025  I’ve just read this wonderful article about the importance of telling your story and I largely agree with it. As a counsellor my training has helped me to understand that shame lurks in our shadows and can cause havoc in our lives through unseen adaptations from negative childhood experiences and when we open up about our story we can bring that shame into conscious awareness and that enables us to accept our adaptations with compassion and then gradually change them to become more healthy and less destructive.
Brain Biases For Survival However… and this is a big however… I personally think the counselling world does not educate and provide enough warnings to clients. As a coach and an advocate of mediation and positive psychology there is a very important aspect to bear in mind when framing our stories - the biases of the brain, which will always prioritize survival, and therefore FEAR (and other negative emotions that shock us). A bias is a systematic distortion of the facts, leaning towards a certain angle. Because of evolution the brain tends to bias towards:
First Warning: Your Brain Doesn’t Really Want Happiness. With the knowledge of these things we can try to temper our stories. The first warming I would give to clients is - the brain will not want to temper the stories. It wants to hold on to the fear. The primal parts of the brain and millions of years old and have served it well to survive and reproduce. It doesn’t really care for happiness. It will always prioritize survival, and therefore fear. Drama is a great way of fueling fear. The Second Warning: Drama Is Addictive The primal brain is basically addicted to drama. If you’re describing a challenging situation the brain will almost always want to dramatise it - to look for the problems and amplify them. It finds no-problem situations and factual sentences… kinda boring! Notice how when someone else tries to retell your situation without emotion the brain will get angry that the situation isn’t being presented dramatically enough. It will want to tell stories of brutal trauma and vulnerability. Whilst there is a place for that I believe that we must allow some space for raw, emotional expression and then we must try and let the stories go and come back to a healthy, balanced view. Again the brain will HATE this idea. It always wants to prioritize survival, so it will try to believe the negative and run life based on feelings instead of facts. The Third Warning: You Might Inadvertently Amplify Trauma The problem with this is that it may amplify the traumatic memories and then the subsequent effects. It can become an obsessive thought pattern that can create powerfully problematic symptoms and behaviours like depression, anxiety, OCD, bitterness or even panic attacks, intrusive thoughts and more. These are known as negative feedback loops, where the results of the negative thoughts reinforce negative behaviours and then create evidence that supports more negative thoughts, Trauma vs Adaptation Trauma is a real thing. I work with people who’ve lived under terrifying and unpredictable parents. I’ve worked with people who have been attacked and people who have had repeated abuse. It is important to emotionally validate how hard and traumatic these experiences were. However ‘Developmental Trauma’ is not the event itself but the series of events and the internalised set of beliefs and behaviours that the child adapted to survive. I often define it as ‘too much, too fast, too soon, too alone’. It is times we were not only overwhelmed but didn’t have the resources and support from people to process it. But is everything challenging a ‘Trauma?’ Sometimes we define big T Trauma and little T trauma, butIt is increasingly recognized in psychology and neuroscience that many responses described as "trauma responses" are more accurately defined as adaptations to adverse, threatening, or challenging experiences. This shift in terminology emphasizes that these behaviors are not a sign of a broken system, but rather a set of intelligent, protective strategies the brain and body developed to ensure survival in the face of danger I fought hard to acknowledge my ‘Trauma’. I know, I know, the brain fights this idea. It wants to cling on to the idea of trauma, because that is part of the drama triangle - the victim mindset. I think there is an important first step in identifying past pain and acknowledging how painful it was. Then as a second step we can challenge our own thinking and come to see that perhaps we have adapted to challenges and this is incredible! There might be some benefits to taking this perspective:
The Discipline To Amplify Positivity, As a counsellor I can attest to the power of expressing your pain and telling your story with a whole heart. It is so healing in itself, but I think that the healing job is only half complete at this point. Health is about balance. To balance the brain and the painful stories I believe we need to counteract the negative biases also. This includes:
Positivity Is Actually Easier The good news is you don’t have to use willpower to do this, you can use reminders. I call mindfulness Re-Mindfulness because all we’re really doing is reminding ourselves of some basic facts:
My personal practices I’m not perfect, that’s for sure. I’m a work in progress. I can share with you what I’m attempting to do to steer myself to be more aligned with reality and to rebalance the negative mind:
If you’d like help rediscovering you positive, playful and powerful adult self then come to a course or do some coaching with me.  Do you wait for your phone to be at 1% to charge it?
So why are you doing that with yourself? Remember:
Rest isn't a reward for exhaustion. It's a boost for performance. Most people think they need to earn their breaks. What?! The smartest people I know build breaks into their day. Rest Rituals to keep them going. They don't wait for permission. They don't wait till they collapse. They look after the body so that the body looks after the mind. Try this Notice your warning signs or set a timer for 25 mins and notice:
Rest rituals: Take micro-breaks before you crash:
Normalise resting when you still have energy left.
Here's what I do:
What do you do? Would you like help in being able to change gear more easily and look after he mind and body? Do a coaching session with me. Wishing you a restful day. Neil I've been a Coach for 10 years now and I decided to add a counselling qualification to my belt recently. One thing that struck me though is the lack of transparency in the counselling process. For me and many of my coaching clients we want a sense of clarity about the target and trajectory of the process of therapy. So I've been mulling it over and I've also be training in Hypnotherapy recently as I see this as a very close sibling to meditation and positive psychology. So I'm starting to work the following way with my clients to provide them with a clear structure and goals.  Depending on where the client is at we would usually look at the following 3 stages:
Principles
A clear roadmap: Here is a bit more detail with an estimate of overlapping times for each part:
By the end of this process I want each client to have 'an instruction manual for me' - which includes a deep understanding about their past wounds and patterns, a clear set of tools and practices to help them be positive, clear and calm in the present moment and a sense of purpose and direction in looking ahead. If you're interested to try this get in touch with me here.  Contrary to the sound of it THE WORK is joyful and it feels great. Yes it is work, but in some ways this is the first narrative to change. Work is hard, bad, difficult is not true. That’s an old narrative. Work is joyfully challenging and feels great is a new narrative. Can we ever completely remove our old narratives and replace them in this way? This blog explores just that question.
Byron Katie experienced a severe, decade-long battle with depression, agoraphobia, and self-loathing before experiencing a profound shift in her thinking in 1986. This shift, which she calls "awakening to reality," involved realizing that suffering stemmed from believing stressful thoughts, and that freedom came from questioning those thoughts. Prior to this, she had been living in a state of paranoia, rage, and suicidal ideation, often unable to leave her bed. Was this realization an overnight shift? HELL NO. But once the first narrative shifted (realising it was her thoughts, not her soul that was in error) then she began THE WORK and created a legacy that has helped millions of people. THE WORK Consists of four questions and a turnaround. It invites us to be in the present moment, with a thought linked to a specific situation and to get curious about that thought. The end result can be that in the situation you get a DIS-CONFIRMING EXPERIENCE (Where the feeling state and outcome disconfirms the old belief) but also you add a few bricks to the new neural pathway. Do this many times over and the new pathway becomes a motorway. Will I get rid of the old neural pathway and pattern? No, and you don’t want to. In England we have so many quaint old lanes, with grass growing in the middle of them. We didn’t destroy the old roads but instead they became less used, overgrown and now form part of the beauty of our countryside. In the same way your brain will maintain the old addictions, the old self-beliefs of shame and fear, but instead of those being the predominant patterns, they are more like old friends. You can have more choice about whether you go down them and more objectivity when you do, allowing you to reminisce or even find them beautiful. Parts analogy Another way of thinking of these old patterns is like child-parts. The mini (or big) traumas of the past remain as upset children and their strategies for getting basic needs met. For example a bullied child has a need for feeling empowered and so alongside feelings of loneliness, shame and fear they develop a belief they need to be strong to be ok and then use strategies of aggression and arrogance. This child-part persists into adulthood, because it never received love and was never given a new job/strategy to meet the need. A strategy that is in alignment with the adult self. I call the beliefs and behaviours of the child-part SHADOW MISSIONS. They are the self sabotaging missions of the child-part that don’t align with how we want to be. The solution? Change the way we relate to these child-parts and give them new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving that align with the KIND WISE ADULT MISSIONS. How can we change the child-parts It’s the same process as changing the neural pathways from old narratives into new updates paths and narratives. The only difference is we humanise it, which in my view is right and healthy. We see that we are not machines or roads or computers to be updated, but instead human beings, with vulnerabilities, emotions and deep senses of meaning. If we can being to relate to ourselves in this way, using re-parenting practices, journaling, therapy and creating disconfirming experiences in our real-life relationships then gradually we learn to love oeuvres, including all these child-parts. Then they don’t need to disappear, but instead become quieter, calmer and more aligned in their strategies with the adult self. The spiritual dimension As well as being human many people believe we are also spiritual in nature, meaning we are bigger than just a body on a planet. Each person has their own belief around this and we can also explore this in coaching to build upon the beliefs in helpful ways. Let’s face it, people who believe in a compassionate god who is looking out for them and guiding them to be healthy members of society are generally happier and more functional. So as we explore these concepts we can actually tap into deep states of connection and spooky things can happen that can really test our assumptions of the physical world in ways that can be supportive for us and for the world. Deep coaching This is deep work and I believe that each person has their own path with it. My facilitation and coaching is not to tell people what is right or wrong, but to be alongside a person as they do the work, to hold their hand, to encourage them back on track when they falter and to enjoy the process with them. It’s a joy and privilege for me and I am lucky that I get to learn a lot from clients as we journey alongside one another. I called my business positively-mindful because that is the way I work. I focus positively - on what the client loves and wants, and I focus on mindfulness - being present with what is, with compassion and curiosity. If you’d like to do the deep work of coaching and develop yourself please get in touch here. Big Love Neil  In My Group Workshops We Embrace Our Unique Complexities When was the last time you fully embraced something you couldn't fully understand? Our instinct is to simplify, to reduce, to make manageable—but what might we discover if we open ourselves to complexity instead? Touch&Play I help run a festival each year: Touch&Play. This year's theme was inspired by observing the group dynamics and group play of last year’s events. Jamus, Daniel and I contemplated How can we embrace the complexity inherent in group interactions—whether through play, dance, or touch? Intention Drives Growth As with last year the theme can take a life of its own. In my own mind it has taken root, with some discomfort, I might add. I deliberately limit my exposure to world news partly because I see it as propaganda of cherry picked, biased, bad news which seems to make my suggestible mind lose faith in human nature. But the other reason is that the world is just so bloody complex. I found this quote: "Our society is complex, and we teach our students that they could just fix it. It's like: ‘go fix a military helicopter, and see how far you get with that’. You’re like a chimp with a wrench: Whack! “Oh look! It’s better!” It’s like: No! it’s not better…Things are complicated and to fix things is really hard! And you have to be like a golden tool to fix things. And you’re not! So… how do you overcome the suffering of life? Be a better person!... Well, that’s hard! It takes responsibility! I you said to someone: Do you want to have a meaningful life? Then… everything you do matters! Everything!" (Unknown) Overwhelm At The Problems In The World I sometimes feel overwhelmed with life. I sometimes wake imagining what it would be like to have the power... to solve all the problems, to heal all the broken people, greedy dictators, psychopaths, gang members, human traffickers, rapists, bad parents, corrupt politicians… but then you realise the list goes on and on and on. And it includes me. I’m so utterly imperfect, greedy, selfish and like everyone else I might have good intentions but I don’t have the capacity to fully wrap my head around the complexity of all the issues. Ethics Even if I extract one societal issue, like say ‘the ethics and practices of consent’ (which is something I teach on). Well it quickly becomes so vastly complex with grey areas that require consideration of nuance and context that I cannot make hard and fast rules completely. This is why Touch&Play have gone through many iterations of consent models, including enthusiastic consent, ‘messy’ consent, sovereign choice, trauma informed consent… The problem is ongoing and complex. And that is one problem in a pile of billions, each of them subtly interconnected. So how then do I embrace complexity and live well, without becoming overwhelmed? I’ve been reading ‘Humankind: A Hopeful History’ by R Bregman and what I love about it is that it cuts through the propaganda we are drip fed daily - that human beings are selfish and greedy. Instead it looks at the accurate data throughout history to see a brighter perspective; we are mostly good and descent. When crisis happens we come together and help one another. Sure, we have rotten apples, traumatised people, challenges and problems, but if you dig in to the human heart you find a core of care and compassion. People want to do good. Yes the ideology of what ‘good’ means may be different from person to person, and in different ideological groups, but if we can hold faith that the human being primarily wants to do good we can come back to life, as it really is. Careful With What You Input So many movies, news stories, TV shows and literature portray humans as the opposite. Like we are fundamentally bad and we have a thin veneer of society on top, keeping us in line. Movies like Batman - where the Joker is described: “some men just want to see the world burn”. The scary thing to me is that narratives like this create and fuel ideologies. They make us believe it’s true! Then we act on those beliefs! The book cites example after example where humans were being good, but then the news reports incited violence, because people ‘thought’ that other people were being bad. It’s so simple it boils my blood with anger. Connection With Our Own Depths So one thing that I feel we need in this post truth age, more than anything is the ability to discern BS, lies, fake media, propaganda for what it is - clickbait, attention seeking nonsense. To do this incredibly difficult thing we need a stronger connection to reality as it really is. How do we do that? Connect with people. Connect with ourselves. Practice mindfulness - the art of being a curious observer of thoughts, feelings, sensations and of the world around us. Stop watching the news and instead sit down and think, research, talk to real people who have really been there. A variety of people. And finally to stop thinking we can solve all the world’s problems and kidding ourselves that we even understand them and instead focus on one or two problems at a time - mostly within our own locality. Slow Down, Ground. Come Down To The Bedrock Of Reality We need to build ourselves up from a bedrock of reality. From this place right here and right now. A bit like Zorro Circles - the idea that you need to master your small circles first and then expand out from there. Embracing complexity means slowing down, zooming in and coming to things mindfully and compassionately. Acknowledge our ignorance and learn to discern truth through this process. For me, this is relaxing and calming. I relax the feelings of overwhelm and remember that I can’t solve, or even understand all the world’s problems and instead I come into connection with the people around me. I become curious about how they feel and what they need. Through this is enough complexity to fill a lifetime. The Ripple Effect What if our greatest challenge isn't solving complexity, but learning to dance with it? The most vibrant ecosystems, the most resilient communities, and the most profound connections all thrive not despite complexity, but because of it. My experience is that if I embrace the complexities first in myself, then in the local group around me, then things ripple out from there. I don't have to fix all of the world, but just connect and create, right where I am. If you'd like to come and explore this concept come to Touch&Play, or any of the Group works that I do. I do this work because I want to share and enjoy the complexity of myself and others, together,   Image: Finding a moment of peace is easier outside in beautiful places (Pixabay)
Modern life is noisy, both on an external level and also internally. From the moment we wake up, we’re pulled into a rush of to-do lists, notifications and measured performance. In a world that moves like this, we need to be careful that not every moment is swallowed up in the whirlpool of activity. Sometimes, it is vital to cherish the smaller pauses, as they can be the most powerful. What is a micro moment? A micro-moment is exactly what it sounds like; just a few moments of calm, quiet intention in an otherwise busy day. These pauses don’t call for a yoga mat, a quiet room, or a full meditation session. They’re short, accessible, and can be surprisingly effective at getting you back in the mindspace you need to be in. Moments of slowing down These are the moments for you to take a breath, stretch your arms, feel the ground beneath your feet for a moment, and signal to your brain: It’s OK, you’re fine, you can slow down for a minute. For many people, building small rituals into the natural transitions of the day can make all the difference. The minute to pause before you check your email. That brief liminal space between finishing lunch and heading back to your desk. The couple of minutes you wait while the kettle is boiling. These are all opportunities to ground yourself, tune in to how your body is feeling and listen to what your mind is saying. Keep it micro What’s important is that these moments aren’t about perfection or absolute calm. They’re about consistency. A micro-moment can be as simple as closing your eyes for ten seconds, or choosing to walk or drink water instead of scrolling on your phone. You can use the tiny moments to sit quietly, light a candle, vape, sip tea, read a book, play a game, or scribble a few thoughts on paper. These gestures may be brief - indeed, that’s the point - but they build a stronger connection to a peaceful, present place, and they add up. In some ways it's important to keep them micro - to not let them become addiction, but instead serve as a way of soothing our nervous system. Individual Self Expression Remember- do what works for you. Some people use breathing prompts: in for four, hold for four, then out for four. Others have a box of things that are good for the senses, with scents or textures that make them feel grounded. Even if your micro moment is sometimes seen by others as strange or unhealthy - you know you best. Often the stress of conforming to society's ideas of 'healthy coping strategies' can lead to more problems than if you just allowed yourself a micro bit of cake every now and then. Helping Our Relationships Taking micro-moments isn’t just good for you and your mind, either: it’s great for relationships. When you take moments to self-regulate and connect with yourself again, you’re less likely to carry tension into conversations where it doesn’t belong. Even counting to ten before replying to a text can change the tone of an entire interaction. When our relationships are less stressful and more easeful life is much better. Choice, not chore As important as all of the above is, it’s also important not to view these moments as obligatory, another thing to add to the to-do list. It’s about exploiting the moments that already exist. Taking the chance to let peace slip into your day and, before long, it becomes something you can do without even thinking about it. When you start to see these moments and take advantage, they become the canvas for your everyday life. My Micro Moments For me - I love to take a micro walk. I do it 4 or 5 times a day. It helps me when I'm stressed. It gives me a place to express emotion and it reminds me of the wider, natural, beautiful world, thus changing my perspective and my internal state. My challenge to you is to reflect - what mindful moments help you and how could you do more, not as a chore, but as a fun, loving, wonderful way, today? If you'd like help with this let me know. I love helping people connect with themselves and finding more confidence and peace by using tools like micro moment.
First it's important to understand the theory of:
Three Emotion Regulation Systems
1. Overactivation of the Drive System + Threat System What happens: In modern life, many people overuse the Drive System to escape uncomfortable feelings triggered by the Threat System. For example: feeling not good enough (Threat) → overworking to achieve success (Drive) → brief reward → burnout, anxiety, or shame when goals are not met → back to Threat. How it feels:
A person constantly works late to avoid feelings of failure. The temporary high of achievement masks deeper insecurities, but when praise or results stop, the Threat System reactivates with shame or fear. 2. Underdevelopment of the Soothe System What happens: When the Soothe System is weak (common in people with trauma, neglect, or high-pressure environments), there’s no “emotional brake.” You can get stuck swinging between Threat and Drive, with no inner safety or contentment. How it feels:
Example: Someone tries to meditate but feels anxious or like they’re “wasting time” — because they don’t yet know how to feel safe doing nothing or being compassionate to themselves. 3. Threat Hijacks Both Systems What happens: The Threat System can hijack both Drive and Soothe: It turns Drive into compulsive striving. It blocks Soothe with fear of vulnerability (“If I relax, I’ll lose control or fail”). How it feels:
How to Find Balance Among the Three Systems ✅ 1. Build Awareness of the Three Modes
In Summary:
I help people with this 1:1 and in relationships and in groups. I run Building Secure Attachments a few times a year to equip people with the skills and tools to do just this. We all know just how much hard work goes into maintaining a healthy mind and body. Healthy habits take consistency, and it’s very easy to see a fitness routine and/or healthy diet go awry. And that means achieving good health can be an uphill battle, leaving you feeling exhausted and like you’re always a step behind where you should be. Well, I recommend these books "The Lazy Guru" and "How To Get What You Want Without Trying". (Although Stephen's book about Urban Warrior is better, but this title fits with this blog) You could say it's enlightened to have a big healthy dose of lazy in your life. I think there are ways to take some of this hard work out of the equation. Making good health more accessible is the best way to keep you on the right track with health goals, and that’s something we can help you with using the tips down below.  Pexels Image - CC0 Licence
Stephen Russell’s Barefoot Doctor’s Handbook for the Urban Warrior is a guide to navigating modern life with Taoist wisdom, energy practices, and mindset shifts. Here are five key lessons from the book:
Alongside this... Join a Support Group You’re not alone in trying to achieve better health for yourself. There are going to be many others in your own neighbourhood or town that are trying to do the same. Because of that, it’s worth looking into a local health support group, whether you’re trying to work on a mental health goal or a physical one. You can also get some support from people qualified to provide it, such as PTs that work at your local gym, or counsellors who have an office in your town center. The first step will always be asking for help, and the second is being confident enough to take it. Noninvasive Procedures There are plenty of noninvasive health procedures on the medical market, many of which can be more beneficial for you than the more traditional forms of surgery. Doing your research into such treatments, and how you can access them, can make dealing with your health a much more approachable, low stress subject. Dentistry is a good example of a medical field in which there are many noninvasive offerings. Say you’d like to get your teeth straightened; don’t resign yourself to an operation. Instead, look into clinics like Surbiton Dental, who can offer much more comfortable, long term ways to create the uniform smile you’re after. This is often far more beneficial on your long term oral health, and can prevent mental health worries stemming from a fear of invasive dental work. Set One Goal at a Time Don’t overwhelm yourself. If you want to achieve something for your health, make sure you're only working toward one goal at a time. Otherwise you’re likely to make the work far too hard and far too exhausting, and that’s never going to get you anywhere. Even if you feel like you need to put in 110%, don’t make yourself. You’re not going to give your all every single day, and it would be unrealistic to expect that from yourself. Those of us with busy jobs, busy lives, and little to no free time are often put on the back foot, and setting a goal you’ll never complete will only compound the misery you can feel around that. Don’t make good health harder than it needs to be. Work toward your own with support, clarity, and confidence. Enjoy Remember that laughter is the best medicine, and its free. Use music, movement, humour and laughter to enjoy life and let it flow. Big love Neil  Giving and Receiving Feedback Graciously with "I want A RANT" tool was inspired by my time working at Embodied Love festival with Bear Philips. Bear's sub stack details their 'A RANT' tool and I've built upon that to help people in festivals, or in life, to give and receive feedback well. This is a vital skill in playing and working together harmoniously. We have to be able to have ruptures if we are to live authentically and therefore we need the ability to repair them by giving and receiving feedback graciously. I want A RANT: Intention, Request, Appreciate + Acknowledge, Needed (for repair), Time (to heal)
Have a go for yourself. It's much better than bottling it up and holding resentment. It's also nice to receive feedback as a gift, because it makes you feel great and much more resilient. Good luck! Overwhelmed or mentally drained? Then you're not alone. The constant noise of daily life can take a toll on your mental clarity as well as your emotional balance. Mindfulness is a simple, practical way to reset your mind and feel more in control.  Image sourced from Pixabay
Let's have a look at some of the mindfulness techniques that will help you improve your mental well-being. 1. Focused Breathing This is the easiest way to start: sit still, close your eyes, and focus only on your breathing. Inhale slowly through your nose, then exhale through your mouth. Count to four each way and do this for five minutes. If your thoughts start to wander, then bring them back to your breath each time. This works well because it shifts your mind away from stress and brings you into the present moment. 2. Body Scan Meditation This helps you to reconnect with how your body feels, especially if you are ignoring any signals for stress. Lie down or sit comfortably and start at your toes, mentally scanning each part of your body all the way up to your head. If you notice any tightness, pain, or tension, breathe into those areas and start to release. Use an app or an audio guide to help walk you through the process. It might take a little bit of practice to get this right, but once you can do it, it can be a really calming method. 3. Meditation with Supplements Daily meditation builds focus and mental clarity, adding targeted support and boosting the effects. For example, a high-purity LGD4 solution may support cognitive sharpness and improve concentration during mindfulness sessions. Clear focus makes it much easier for you to stay present, especially if you are struggling with any distractions or have a racing mind. Start with just 10 minutes a day, and pick a quiet space. Sit with your back straight and upright, focusing on your breath, a word, or a calming sound. CBD oil can be beneficial too. 4. Mindful Walking Turn a daily walk into something that is a mindful practice. Leave your phone at home and walk slowly, paying attention to the ground under your feet. Notice all of your surroundings, including sounds, trees, and the wind on your face, as this is a brilliant way for you to unwind after work or during a midday break. If you ever feel pressured, overwhelmed, or stressed, head out, even just for ten minutes; it may start to make you feel better. 5. Journaling Your Thoughts Take five minutes a day to write whatever is on your mind down in a notebook. No structure is needed; just let it flow out freely. How are you feeling right now? Is there anything that you are grateful for? What did you notice during your meditation or your walk? Doing this helps to clear your mental clutter and interact with emotional atoms over time. Finally You don't need to spend hours or buy special equipment; you can just start. Pick one of these techniques and try it today. Even doing five minutes can help to shift your mindset. If you are feeling more clear-headed and focused, start with consistent small actions. Which technique are you going to try first? OR... if you feel resistance... can you note that down - what is the mind saying? Even this is a mindfulness technique!! |
AuthorsNeil Morbey is a coach, counsellor and group facilitator for Positively-Mindful.com ; focusing on being a mindful adult in a modern world of triggers, traumas and overwhelm. Blog Index
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