 Giving and Receiving Feedback Graciously with "I want A RANT" tool was inspired by my time working at Embodied Love festival with Bear Philips. Bear's sub stack details their 'A RANT' tool and I've built upon that to help people in festivals, or in life, to give and receive feedback well. This is a vital skill in playing and working together harmoniously. We have to be able to have ruptures if we are to live authentically and therefore we need the ability to repair them by giving and receiving feedback graciously. I want A RANT: Intention, Request, Appreciate + Acknowledge, Needed (for repair), Time (to heal)
Have a go for yourself. It's much better than bottling it up and holding resentment. It's also nice to receive feedback as a gift, because it makes you feel great and much more resilient. Good luck!
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Overwhelmed or mentally drained? Then you're not alone. The constant noise of daily life can take a toll on your mental clarity as well as your emotional balance. Mindfulness is a simple, practical way to reset your mind and feel more in control.  Image sourced from Pixabay
Let's have a look at some of the mindfulness techniques that will help you improve your mental well-being. 1. Focused Breathing This is the easiest way to start: sit still, close your eyes, and focus only on your breathing. Inhale slowly through your nose, then exhale through your mouth. Count to four each way and do this for five minutes. If your thoughts start to wander, then bring them back to your breath each time. This works well because it shifts your mind away from stress and brings you into the present moment. 2. Body Scan Meditation This helps you to reconnect with how your body feels, especially if you are ignoring any signals for stress. Lie down or sit comfortably and start at your toes, mentally scanning each part of your body all the way up to your head. If you notice any tightness, pain, or tension, breathe into those areas and start to release. Use an app or an audio guide to help walk you through the process. It might take a little bit of practice to get this right, but once you can do it, it can be a really calming method. 3. Meditation with Supplements Daily meditation builds focus and mental clarity, adding targeted support and boosting the effects. For example, a high-purity LGD4 solution may support cognitive sharpness and improve concentration during mindfulness sessions. Clear focus makes it much easier for you to stay present, especially if you are struggling with any distractions or have a racing mind. Start with just 10 minutes a day, and pick a quiet space. Sit with your back straight and upright, focusing on your breath, a word, or a calming sound. CBD oil can be beneficial too. 4. Mindful Walking Turn a daily walk into something that is a mindful practice. Leave your phone at home and walk slowly, paying attention to the ground under your feet. Notice all of your surroundings, including sounds, trees, and the wind on your face, as this is a brilliant way for you to unwind after work or during a midday break. If you ever feel pressured, overwhelmed, or stressed, head out, even just for ten minutes; it may start to make you feel better. 5. Journaling Your Thoughts Take five minutes a day to write whatever is on your mind down in a notebook. No structure is needed; just let it flow out freely. How are you feeling right now? Is there anything that you are grateful for? What did you notice during your meditation or your walk? Doing this helps to clear your mental clutter and interact with emotional atoms over time. Finally You don't need to spend hours or buy special equipment; you can just start. Pick one of these techniques and try it today. Even doing five minutes can help to shift your mindset. If you are feeling more clear-headed and focused, start with consistent small actions. Which technique are you going to try first? OR... if you feel resistance... can you note that down - what is the mind saying? Even this is a mindfulness technique!!  Kirtan Kriya (which is pronounced KEER-tun KREE-a) is a type of meditation from the Kundalini yoga tradition that my partner has been exploring and so I thought I'd write a blog about it. It's a singing exercise, as it involves singing the sounds: "Saa Taa Naa Maa" along with repetitive finger movements, or mudras. It is non-religious and can be adapted to several lengths, but practicing it for just 12 minutes a day has been shown to reduce stress levels and increase activity in areas of the brain that are central to memory. What does it all mean? In Sanskrit, a kirtan is a song, and kriya refers to a specific set of movements. In the Eastern tradition, kriyas are used to help bring the body, mind and emotions into balance to enable healing. The mantra that is repeated while practicing Kirtan Kriya is designed to be uplifting. The sounds come from the mantra ‘Sat Nam’, which means “my true essence’. From an Eastern perspective it is believed that the placement of the tongue on the roof of the mouth while making these sounds stimulates 84 acupuncture points on the upper palate., which may cause a bio-chemical transformation in the brain. I haven't yet found clinical research, but I've heard that utilizing the fingertip position in conjunction with the sounds enhances blood flow to particular areas in the motor-sensory part of the brain and that practicing Kirtan Kriya for just 12 minutes a day can improve cognition and activate parts of the brain that are central to memory. Can we replace the Kirtan Kriya sounds with other sounds or tasks? Who knows - but it's all about the meaning we imbue to the words, so if you have no meaning - ro 'emotional content' it is likely it won't be as effective. How do you practice Kirtan Kriya?
Below is a YouTube video of the practice - enjoy.  David Wolfe walks in wearing an 80’s style grey suit, a thick striped tie, round spectacles and black socks. He certainly doesn’t fit with the modern idea of a personal development teacher, who nowadays tend to be strangely young, trendy and with fantastic Instagram profiles, David doesn’t even own a smartphone. The advertising in advance was somewhat dated and also vague, so as I begin this 4-day workshop (each day 9am to 8pm) I begin to wonder… what have I let myself in for? Then David begins to talk and he doesn’t stop for about 2 hours! IRRITATION TO INSPIRATION I’ve done a lot of ‘personal development’ workshops and so I’ve cultivated a kind of ‘BS detector’ and perhaps even some snobbishness towards facilitators. Unless they show me that they walk their talk and deliver with a degree of skill and vulnerability / genuineness then I get irritated or I switch off. I also hate when facilitators begin a workshop with ‘talking at’ participants for a long time. 2 hours was, for me, an insane amount of time… but it worked… I didn’t switch off… Instead I became intensely present. David began the seminar by talking about his understanding of spirituality through the use of metaphor and story. Things I’ve heard before but I enjoyed the reminders. Also the resonance in David’s voice that rang true. “We are spiritual beings having a human experience. You are the driver of the car, not the car.” 100% RESPONSIBLE - IT'S ALL A CHOICE, IF WE REVEAL OUR RACKETS AND WITHOLDS I’ve made an agreement to not share the specifics of the exercises, but I will say they are clever, skilful, revealing and wonderful. I really appreciated on day one the space to receive feedback about how we listened and explore what comes up for us as we do empathy practices. I appreciated, on day 2, exploring our victim mindsets and the ‘rackets’ we run in our lives. I enjoyed, on day 3, learning how to ‘pull the weeds’ and communicate our rackets and make a solid commitment to living in total responsibility of our choices and in full presence. Ultimately it's realising that we are creating our experience, through often unconscious choices. When we make them more conscious we can change the choices and the experience. PULLING THE WEEDS EXAMPLE For example I shared with someone: "I'm noticing that when I'm wanting you to be quieter I'm not saying anything to you and just disengaging. I'm realising you remind me of my brother in these instances. The pay off for me is avoiding potential conflict and upholding an image that I'm OK, when in fact I'm holding resentment and harming our relationship. I value our friendship and so I care enough to let you know and I commit to being upfront and sharing if I have an issue." This was an incredible experience of enriching the relationship and mutual healing. If I chose to do this more often I think life would be easier, richer and more connected. TIREDNESS CAN HELP Each day of the seminar I got more and more tired, and I had a cold, and in a way this helped me drop my defences. On day one I was the class clown and by day three I was opening up more vulnerably and noticing how I use the clown to deflect seriousness. By the end of the seminar I was feeling deeply spiritually connected to myself and others, and to my mission. BE-DO-HAVE I came away from the seminar with a wonderful goal of cultivating love and appreciation in my life. I’ve been tracking this daily and rating it out of 10. It’s now a week since the course and I’m averaging 9 out of 10. I’ve learned to speak my goal as if it is complete and get into the feeling of having it: “It’s 14th January 2026 and as I look back over my records and I see I have an average of 8/10 in my loving and appreciation scores for 80 percent of my year”. We did a wonderful piece around how to overcome the obstacles to the goals, personified by people in the group and now I have some wonderful visual images in my mind, linked to the goal; of one person playing the role of cynicism “This is BS!”, another as images of sexy women “Ohhh look at me Neil!”, and the final one as my smartphone “beep!”. These images and hilarious times will stay with me and help me achieve my goals. EXCITED ABOUT LIFE I’m really excited about doing the advanced seminar in the future. Seeing David himself in the UK is rare, so I'm not surprised that some of my colleagues stayed on to do the advanced seminar (7 days) straight away. Full on! Personally, I was full. I took the sovereign choice to come away and return home to rest and digest and to be with my partner. She and I have just finished some brilliant DIY teamwork with my partner and we also worked through some of our relationship challenges by using the communication skills I’ve learned on the course, resulting in some wonderful crying and connection. DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH DESERVE FULL PRESENCE I am writing this blog now as some of my friends finish the advanced course. I attended their graduation. They each shine, as diamonds, sharing their hearts and experiences. In fact the fundamental premise of the course is that we are all diamonds, simply obscured by some dirt. The process of clearing the dirt and the weeds is a process of presence. When anyone gets up to talk and share David says the same thing “Let’s give (person’s name) our full presence, our full presence.” This simple genius is to keep repeating the practice of presence, which reinforces that we are all so worthy of this full attention and it is so powerful to give and receive it. As I move forward I will be taking this away and commit to using my full presence in my life and shining as the diamond that I am and helping others to connect to and express their inner diamond, or ‘true self’.   Ahh my second attempt at the Goenka 10 day Vipassana meditation retreat... I was so excited and nervous. 10 years ago I had such a mind blowing time (read about it here) and this time I wanted to stay the full 10 days as a dopamine detox, an opportunity to practice self care and to tend to my mind and body. It was the final step in my three pronged approach to coming away from cynicism and back to love. So it may surprise you to hear that I left at the end of day 5, once again! Here is what happened and why it's changed my mind about Goenka... INTENTIONS I've heard and read about some horror stories of people having mental breakdowns at Vipassana, or not integrating well back into society, people accidently harming their bodies trying to sit still and pushing themselves too much (including a close friend of mine) and also some stories of people being indoctrinated into the lifestyle of working harder and harder for many years, to their later regret. With this knowledge I chose set an intention to go easy on myself, practice loving mindsets and exercises, which would also involve bending the rules slightly; to allow myself to journal, as I felt this would enhance my experience. I also brought a book on mindfulness (Wherever You Go, There You Are, by JKZ) so I could read in the evening before bed. Finally I threw in massage oil, an exercise mat and my massage balls. I wanted a slightly adapted retreat that allowed me to connect to my my goals whilst doing the meditations. A BAD START Day one was awful. I forgot how irritating I find Goenka with his guttural chanting every single day and the evening discourses of nonsense, endless bad analogies, reiterating of the rules, telling us how miserable life is and how ‘true’ liberation can only be found here. The insistence of the scientific and objective nature of it all and the reiteration “you can only experience it for yourself, but only if you follow all the rules scrupulously”. Whilst I suspect he is right I felt a lot of resistance. After a tiring day of sitting uncomfortably and meditating I laid down in my dorm bed ready to sleep when the loudest snoring I’ve ever heard, or even thought possible, began just beyond the curtain in the next cubicle. Sleep deprived I entered into day 2 but found I enjoyed meditation time. This is the one saving grace for me - I like to meditate, which is something I do daily and have done for 12 years. I just subscribe to a sense of taking your time and accepting ourselves with love, instead of thrashing ourselves in some self-defeating pursuit of enlightenment. THE GOENKA BRAIN WASHING - PART OF THE CULT OF CHASING ENLIGHTENMENT Zooming out for a moment - I think the world has many ideological cults of self harm in the name of self improvement and in my opinion spiritual teachers like Goenka epitomise that. I don't think his intentions bad, he certainly wasn't asking for lots of money, but he did become extremely famous and vanity is a powerfully dark motivator. The real trick is ideological. Once you've done a Vipassana you're hooked into the ideology and, like a cult, you seek to propagate it to buttress your own beliefs. Many Goenka disciples spend many months serving at the courses and maintaining the retreat centres, all of them are sitting in meditation many hours a day and hoping to achieve the next level of liberation, or 'enlightenment'. This can occupy years of their lives, often making it difficult to do things that might bring healthy balance, like relationships, dance, creativity, learning. I know people who've done this and told me they were very depressed in that time. IS IT A CULT? Not really. They're not extorting money, but they are creating some subtle manipulations that force people to think that they NEED to do this stuff to be liberated. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to upskill ourselves, but there is a limit to healthy and balanced self improvement and then I think there is a global cult of self improvement, which I felt Goenka neatly falls into. Here are the definitions of a cult (source):
Never in your life, you’ll hear the word misery so many times in a span of a few days, irrespective of whether you are going through hardships in life or not. They create the notion that life is a misery and they also give you the answer." - Meillind Parsoya GOENKA PSYCHOLOGY I know a lot of my dislike of Goenka is my own 'Sankhara' - my own personal patterns, including an addictive craving of fun stimulus. Yet still I find many of the ways of silly rules, pointless repetitions and clever use of story and metaphor somewhat psychologically manipulative. The discourses are particularly full of dogma and they are always in the evening, when people are tired and suggestable. Of course isolated in 'noble silence' and not to write anything down, so it is very difficult to question or discuss anything. This article goes even deeper into the psychology at play but here are some highlights:
BREAKING THE RULES Back to my story - On the evening of day 2 I snuck out to my car and grabbed my phone and Bluetooth earbuds, mainly to allow me to sleep. From then on I broke more and more rules. I stayed in bed until 6:30am, to miss the 4:30am meditation. I did my own exercise, self massage and read my book to reflect and take care of myself. I even snuck a bowl of the daily lunch away to (hide in my room, so I could eat a proper meal at 5pm. In the meditation hall I hid my earbuds under my hat so that, as he continued chanting and chattering away, I could have music or an audiobook. I also chose to leave the site (not allowed) each lunchtime for long walks, so I could exercise properly and also so I could sing! I really enjoyed these times and found restricting my voice for so long quite upsetting. It was all very deceptive, which felt fun, exhilarating, but not in alignment with a mindfulness practice at all. I was growing more concerned that I'd shot myself in the foot and was not really giving this retreat a proper go. LEAVING The reason I did the course is to meditate. I love meditation. But Goenka spends 3 days focusing on one spot (nose breathing) and then the rest of the time doing quick body scans, over and over and over. No visualising or using mantras allowed. Plus the dogma, plus the silly rules and silence... I found this intolerable, so I did my own 'loving kindness' meditations focused on all my fellows struggling around me. I also did my style of body scanning, gratitude practice and body visualisations. My meditations are usually 15 minutes, or 30 minutes at most, whereas Goenka asks us to sit for up to 2 hrs sometimes. I was really enjoying the varied meditations, but didn't like the deceptions. Clearly I was on another path and I began to doubt if being here was a good idea. I realised that with all the rules I was breaking I way out of integrity and not getting benefit from Goenka's style. I have a fear of being perceived as a failure, which would be a purely egoic reason to stay, so I decided to face my fear and fail hard. I decided I should just go home, to my beautiful partner, house and food and practice my own way there. What a failure! ;) MY WAY As I reflect I can see I wasn’t really up for the Goenka style and I don't trust his techniques and perhaps I'm just not capable enough or ready yet. But I believe there are many paths to fulfilment in life and many ways to enjoy meditation and mindfulness. I know of other retreat centres that are more humble and more open minded and I also remember I can meditate perfectly well at home. Today I did a lovely 15 minutes meditation and gratitude practice to connect and settle mind and body and I went for a run and did some lovely stretching and exercising whilst listening to the seminal audiobook ‘Breathe’ by James Nestor. I love this - I don’t have to go through 5 more days of deception or listening to nonsense. I can just enjoy life as it is, right now. It’s not all miserable Mr Goenka and I don’t need your style of Vipassana to be liberated. I'm also aware that I may not be ready for what he's offering and perhaps I might be in the future able to tune into the essence of the practice, which I think is good. SUMMARY I want to add some big appreciation to the managers, teachers and servers at the retreat centre. It’s an amazing place and I still think there is so much in what they offer, but if you go it is essential that you are already somewhat grounded mentally and physically. If you follow the rules it’s a lot of time with just you and your mind, with no one to help you process or emote. I think it's likely you'll come to one of three conclusions:
   The diagram here and below represents a roadmaps for healing using EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This is part of the AIP (Adaptive Information Processing Model)
The overall goals are to decrease your sensitivity to triggers and severity of resulting symptoms (depression, anxiety, guilt, anger, negative beliefs or self-image) and improve and increase your internal resources, self-image and window of tolerance. It is often used to treat PTSD and other traumas. Modern thinking is that most of our ailments stem from childhood trauma, so this could be applicable to everyone. Look at this EMDR Formulation tool PDF for a great way to understand this. My EMDR Therapy Experience My therapist helped me map out my three main core wounds. We did this after several weeks in the preperation stage, and we formulated a core mother wound and a core father wound, which resulted in unique triggers, belief systems and symptoms. It's very personal so I won't reveal it all, but being able to stand back from all that and see how things have formed allowed me to also consider what resources and resilience I have and consider my goals as we moved into the phase ' Protocol Of Stabilisation' and 'P5' installing more resilience to gradually help me to become more able to 'be with' challenges and less reactive, but also to spot my reactions sooner and have useful methods to come back into balance. My Humorous Adaptation Of The Model I've adapted the Formulation tool here to make it easier to understand, using acronyms (of course). I like to see things with humour to help me feel lightness and positivity even about traumatic things. This model isn't all of the work. The relationship between counsellor and client is still paramount as in the person centred model (which is the foundation of most counselling modalities) but this can help a person who, like me, finds it helpful to see the formulation of ones symptoms with clarity and form a roadmap towards their goals:
Most of the work is in the preparation and planning Like going on a serious journey, it's so important to be well prepared. For example my one of my DIY jobs at home was painting a room and I'll tell you that 80% of the work was prep. Painting was the easy bit, made easier by good prep . If we take that analogy into therapy it means the first several session are the most important - gaining the history of the client and understanding and mapping out the Target TEMPs, PMTs, BS and PISS and build up RnR and aim at the G with a rough plan of action It's not just about the tools! This formulation approach isn't for everyone but I really like it . The POS part is especially interesting as it uses b-lateral stimulation to help calm the nervous system as trigger memories are discussed. This is mind blowing how it can work, but again it's not just about the technique, but about the prep and the therapeutic relationship - these are key. If you resonate with the therapist I think this is most important. Tools are useless if not used well. If you'd like some help with working through your issues contact me here.  I know that you know this and its often difficult to change....
Ruminating on your mistakes, holding onto the past, and allowing yourself to keep repeating negative behaviours or actions can impact your mental health and your direction in life. To effectively break free, learn from your mistakes, and move forward, it takes time, patience (to allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them), and perseverance (to keep trying and not give up) to master. Embracing this journey is a significant step if you find yourself in a repetitive cycle of mistakes. It's a journey of hope, a journey of growth, and a journey towards a better version of yourself. I actually ENCOURGE people to make mistakes in my Rejection Therapy and I teach people how to create connection from mistakes in my group workshops. "Every mistake is an opportunity" So, how do you learn from your mistakes and forge ahead with a new path and new life for yourself? Acknowledge Mistakes Instead of brushing it under the carpet or pretending it didn't happen or you didn't do it, admit when you've made a mistake. This act of acknowledging your mistakes is not a sign of weakness but a powerful step towards self-improvement. Apologising means you admit to making the mistake, you are owning up to it, and you regret it. All are important aspects of learning from your mistakes and a valuable tool for self-improvement. I teach people how and why to say SORRY in my BSA course. Get Feedback The people around you, either on the sidelines or involved in their mistakes, can be the best people to lean on when it comes to learning from your mistakes. Their feedback is not just about hearing what you want to hear. It's about opening your mind to new perspectives, behaviours, and ways of thinking that can help you make fewer future mistakes. This support system is crucial in your journey of self-improvement. Feedback is not just about hearing what you want to hear. It's about opening your mind to new perspectives, behaviours, and ways of thinking that can help you make fewer future mistakes. Remember, when asking for feedback, you need to be able to take it and use it constructively. Don't get upset if the feedback isn't what you want to hear; simply take heed and look at how you can make changes and work on improvements. Take Consequences Every action is going to have a consequence. Sometimes it will be a good one, other times not so great. Making mistakes will most definitely have consequences, and the severity of the mistake will be dependent on the mistake you make. If it's something serious involving you breaking the law, then your consequences will be more serious, i.e. a drug offence can create significant consequences you need to deal with, such as fines, a criminal record, jail time, loss of employment, etc. A mistake like spending too much money can lead to fewer necessities, hard times, and the inability to live your life as you want to until you earn more money. Identify Lessons Mistakes can show you where you need to improve your skills or education. It can also teach you how to be more mindful of others or teach you that you need to be moralistic. Finding the lessons, noting them, and paying attention to what you need to know or do can help you learn from your mistakes and become a better person. Ask for Help Help can come in many different ways. Mistakes carry different results and require different types of input depending on the type of mistake and the consequences of what occurred. When moving forward and making the appropriate changes, getting help and support from family and friends might be enough for you. You might find support from your employer is a better route to take, or support from a lawyer, doctor or therapist will be better for you. Identify the help on offer for the chances you need to make, then ask for it and use it to your advantage. Develop A Growth Mindset It's not about being perfect; it's about being better. And being better means you need to grow as a person to help you keep striving for better in your life. A growth mindset is part and parcel of learning and personal development. It will help you see the lessons you need to make and improve as you go. Embracing a growth mindset will fill your journey with optimism and possibilities. So allow yourself to make mistakes, learn from them, grow and connect. If you'd like help with how to do this 1:1 please contact me.  It’s time to stop being ashamed of your mental health and to start making some changes to the way that you live. We understand that there are times where it’s hard to talk about how you are feeling and the struggles that you are facing in your mind, but that shouldn’t stop you. Just because something is difficult, doesn’t mean that it’s not worth doing, you know? Being ashamed of mental health is an idea that we’ve created as a society for some reason, we now encourage you to break that mold. In this article, we’re going to be taking a look at some of the ways that you can do this, so read on to find out more.
Don’t Punish Yourself While this one should be obvious, you should not be punishing yourself for struggling with your mental health. Society may have decided that this is a normal way to behave, pushing down your struggles and feeling ashamed of yourself for having them in the first place, but it isn’t. You need to tell yourself that it’s okay to feel however you feel, and it’s about how you react that will be the most important thing. Too many people spend time taking their frustrations and anger out on themselves, and it isn’t fair. You have enough to deal with, without trying to punish yourself for feeling ill. You wouldn’t punish yourself for a broken leg, would you? Be Honest It’s also important that you are being honest as best you can about how you are feeling. Whether you want to talk to a professional, whether you want to talk to someone that you know and love, or whether you just want to write it all down in a journal, all of these options are fine. As long as you are getting out everything inside of you that is eating you up, this is what is important. Some people find it difficult to express themselves through conversation, so you can do this in whatever medium you want. You can write a song, you can paint a picture, you can do whatever feels right to you, and helps you express what’s going on inside of your head. Try New Things In order to improve your mental health, we encourage you to be open to trying new things. Of course, you don’t have to be open to everything, but some things will work for you, others won't. But, you’re not going to know until you try! For example, a doctor may prescribe you medical cannabis if you are okay giving this a shot, where others may recommend something else. Sometimes trial and error is the only way to go, but never be ashamed to ask for the help that you need, no matter what form it comes in. At the end of the day, your health is your own and it’s not something that anyone else gets to have an opinion on. We need to stop being so concerned with what other people think of us for the way that we choose to live our lives and the way that we choose to take care of our health, because it’s nothing to do with them. If you can get into this mindset, you will be so much better off for it, we can promise you that. If You Need Help, Seek Help We understand that there is still a stigma surrounding mental health and that this has led to people avoiding reaching out for help even though they needed this, and that is simply not okay. You should be able to ask for help when you know that you need it, and others around you should be able to suggest help for your mental health without making you feel ashamed. Help for your mental health can come in all kinds of ways, such as therapy, addiction treatment, group sessions just to share, and so much more. It’s not a bad thing to need help, as we all need a little help sometimes. If you'd like help improving your mental health with counselling and mindfulness just get in touch.  Being mindful is often linked with your mental well-being, but does it also affect your physical health? Mindfulness isn’t just about managing stress–it can also help with your physical health in a surprising number of ways that you might not think about. So let’s explore how mindfulness connects with physical health and the science behind it.
Mindfulness reduces stress and inflammation When the mind is calm, the body often follows suit. Stress can increase inflammation, which is linked to many health issues, including heart disease, arthritis, and digestive problems. Mindfulness helps reduce stress by calming the nervous system and decreasing cortisol levels, the body’s primary stress hormone. Lower cortisol means less inflammation, which can lead to fewer aches and pains, improved digestion, and a healthier heart. If you've explored various pain management options and consulted with osteopaths about your pain, yet still find yourself dealing with long-term discomfort, look into how mindfulness and meditation could help you. Channelling your thinking elsewhere can help you to learn how to detach your mind from your body. Practicing mindfulness encourages the body to relax, which helps the muscles release tension, improves blood circulation, and promotes healing. For example, when people meditate or practice breathing exercises, their heart rate often slows down, giving the body a chance to rest and recover. A more relaxed body also tends to have stronger immune responses, meaning you’re less likely to get sick. It helps with sleep and energy levels People who regularly practice mindfulness techniques, like meditation, often report sleeping better and feeling more refreshed during the day. Mindfulness helps calm racing thoughts that keep people awake at night, which is key to a restful sleep. When sleep quality improves, energy levels usually increase, helping people tackle daily tasks without feeling constantly tired or drained. Improved sleep helps repair: Deep sleep helps repair muscles, refreshes the mind, and balances hormones. This is why a functional medicine doctor might suggest mindfulness as part of a treatment plan for patients struggling with energy or fatigue. Mindfulness enhances heart health The heart benefits from mindfulness too. Studies have shown that mindfulness practices like meditation and deep breathing can lower blood pressure by promoting relaxation and reducing stress. Lower blood pressure means a lower risk of heart attacks and strokes, making mindfulness a powerful ally in heart health. Mindfulness also helps people make healthier choices, like eating balanced meals, avoiding smoking, and getting regular exercise–all of which support a healthy heart. When people become more aware of how their habits affect their health, they’re often more motivated to make positive changes that benefit both body and mind. It promotes a healthier immune system People who practice mindfulness regularly tend to get sick less often and have more energy, and this may be due to a stronger immune system. Studies show that mindfulness can boost the activity of the immune system, helping the body fight off infections and heal more quickly from illness or injury. A healthy immune system is vital for overall wellness and can protect against illnesses like the flu, colds, and even chronic diseases. This immune boost may happen because mindfulness reduces stress hormones, which can weaken immune function when they’re too high. By managing stress through mindfulness, the immune system can work more effectively, keeping people healthier and more resilient. If you'd like help improving health, sleep and energy levels with mindfulness just get in touch.  I'll preface this with a BIG caveat. All of the following is my OPINION, which is not based in research., but on my experience and ideas. This may be different to your experience. I'm open to hearing about this in the comments below. Please be nice. I'm not trying to attack you or anyone's disability. I struggle with ADHD symptoms and I have felt the shame and blame around my struggle with focus, hyperactivity and distractibility for most of my life. This is a very comprehensive review of ADHD if you're interested ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Gabor Mate describes it a not heritable, nor an illness/ disease, but instead a stress response (from childhood) which results in neural pathways of:
Like Gabor, here are what I think are the causes of my ADHD: Stressed parents, chaotic childhood, bullying and bad teaching, a terrible diet and sedentary habits 1. Stressed parents. My parents were in a very tough situation when I was born. They both smoked and drank and they had relational issues. This meant I felt the stress even when in the womb, and certainly in my first few years of life, before memories formed. This leaves me with some physical symptoms that are somatic, but non verbal or image based. Our caregivers (usually parents, but could include other relatives, siblings and teachers) may have argued, been in poverty, been abusing substances or been the product of their own past traumas. They pass on stress, because as babies and toddlers we pick up on these cues of danger. Gabor mate talks about this here (with a really useful definition). If we have nowhere to go and we can't fight it off or change it we adapt to cope by scattering our attention. We become distracted as a survival / coping mechanism. This is complicated further by... 2. A chaotic childhood. My father was absent (working and providing) and when he was home he was often angry and there was a lot of shouting in my house. This was exacerbated by alcohol abuse. My older brother struggled at times which led to him being angry and often violent with me and I often didn't feel safe. This IS a type of prolonged trauma, which essentially gives children a level of CPTSD. Since I wasn't given many boundaries (as both parents were workaholics and very busy) then I needed something to feel safe and soothing. I adapted by retreating to my room - I watched lots of TV and later played computer games and around age 11 - porn . This fundamentally changed my brain and the way I interact with pleasure / dopamine. I used the wrong things to soother myself and get instant gratification, because I wasn't guided or supported to find better ways. Children are often overstimulated by the world they grow up in and they are not guided to learn to emotionally regulate. Not being given enough boundaries to make a solid morning and bedtime routine with regular sleep, quiet screen-free conditions, let alone any feelings of safety, consistency and unconditional love. If, like me, you were allowed to watch what you wanted, when you wanted, allowed to get way with staying up late and playing computer games, or even watching porn and lacking in emotional regulation then you increase your development of isolating ways of self soothing and a 'scattered mind'. Now if a child has access to their own device then screen based overstimulation becomes rampant, overloading the prefrontal cortex and conditioning the child to constantly seek more stimulation. This is further compounded by... 3. Bullying and bad teaching. This was awful for me, which meant I felt no safety at school or home for many years. My innocent early years were shattered by secondary school. I lived in a fantasy world to escape as no where else felt safe. If the school becomes a place of fear, boredom and a disorganised mind then its no wonder the mind gets trained into distraction. They mind will always adapt and work out ways to be OK enough, even if that means taking all the focus away from reality and living in a fantasy world of dissociation. This persists into adulthood. Also at school and home one can have... 4. A Terrible Diet: I'm blessed that my mum gave us a well balanced diet with home cooked food. However I was allowed far too many sweets. I had a mild biscuit addiction which lasted until I turned 30 I was getting feint and believe I had Prediabetes. I read 'The Easy Way to Quit Sugar' and I sorted it out, but it was tough. I'm also blessed to have a partner who understands nutrition and helps me eat less ultra processed food. I believe artificial 'food' substitutes, artificial colours, flavours and preservatives, along with ultra-processed ingredients and of course sugar compounds everything and changes the chemistry of the body to become accustomed to empty calories and therefore just seek more and more food. But not real, healthy, wholesome food, but the body is accustomed to cheap, substitute food, like chicken nuggets, sweets, white bread etc. This is also exacerbated by... 5. Sedentary habits: I was forced to sit down far too much at school and my home computer use made it worse again. I'm blessed to have discovered rock climbing and have a sporty mother who encouraged me out onto walks. Children are made to or encouraged to sit down way too much. The body needs to move, especially in children. They need to develop healthy habits around movement so they can grow good bones, muscles, tendons, cardiovascular health and brain health. It's all related to our familiarity with regular movement. If children sit in classrooms all day and then on computers, TVs or devices all evening then their bodies suffer and the brain doesn't develop properly. All these traumas, conditions and habits can set the foundation for adult life. ADHD is, I believe, a common outcome, especially now that we are all cyborgs. So what's the cure? Well if we put aside the genetic component (seeing as we cannot prove or do anything about this) and look at these factors we can try to give children healthy childhoods. (more below) Start with ourselves If you're an adult with ADHD, like me (thanks childhood) then you could try what I am trying to help yourself progress (not become perfect) into a calmer and more present and focused set of habits. 1. Learn to meditate. It's vital that you embrace boredom and reset your dopamine pathways to discover pleasure in more subtle things. Meditation is the best way to do this. Vipassana is the simplest way. A 10 day intense retreat is good, but you may want to prepare and warm up to it. It's a bit like running a marathon. Train first. 2. Fun movement. Find things that are fun. I like martial arts and frisbee and rock climbing. I can't just go to the gym or run - not enough dopamine. Find fun movement! I love to dance to great music. Find what works for you and build it into your routine. 3. Make a routine. Get good at bedtime and morning. Integrate movement and meditation into these. And do not use the devices in bed. Screen free mornings and bedtimes. Reduce screen time and notifications. Edit it right down to the bare minimum. 4. Sort out your addictions. Many ADHDers have them because that the result of the childhood stuff. Get yourself into a 12 or 10 step program of recovery (I did this and it's massive). And/Or... 5. Therapy / get help: Start. I recommend EMDR, somatic experiencing, parts work (IFS) or anything really. Just start to open up yourself to another human being and trust in a process of healthy recovery of your true nature so that you can understand where things went wrong and build in new healthy self-regulation and soothing practices with big dollops of compassion and clarity. Also in the UK get some help from 'Access To Work' - your disability deserves help. 6. Eat well. Stop buying crap and eat real food, with a healthy balance of colours and types. Personally I like a 50% meat/fish content. I also take supplements like creatine and vitamins. 7. Sort out your relationships: Isolation and social problems exacerbate everything. To help you here see a coach, go to workshops or couples counsellors. Start to have better friendships and better romantic, intimate and sexual connections. This may take time so finally... 8. Be kind to yourself. Whether or not you meditate, or even feel like you can meditate, practice kindness and compassion towards yourself. Then ADHD managed or un-managed is not such a terrible spectre looming over your shoulder. Patience, persistence and compassion are absolutely vital. This is where a life coach or self-help books can really help suffice your recovery with all lubricant and rocket fuel to make progress easier and faster. A book I read that I would highly recommend on ADHD is Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It by Gabor Mate I've improved my ADHD and you can too. Progress not perfection. If you do the work it works. If you'd like help talk to me and let's work together. And our children? None of this is easy and I'm only just a becoming a parent myself, so I know its full of guilt and impossible expectations. Ultimately we have to trust our instincts. I believe whatever we can do from this list will help. Progress not perfection. Here's my recommendations from seeing good parenting (by my partner):
Remember 'Progress not Perfection!' If you do the work it works. If you'd like help talk to me and let's work together.  Dealing with the aftermath of a significant loss can be one of the most challenging experiences life throws our way. While there is no simple roadmap for grief, there are ways to make the process of saying goodbye a little more manageable. In times like these, focusing on the practical aspects can create a sense of clarity when emotions are at their most turbulent.
Finding Comfort in Routine One of the first things you may notice in the days after a loss is how disorienting everything feels. Regular routines are disrupted, and there’s often a sense of being unmoored. That’s why re-establishing even small routines can be a powerful way to regain a sense of control. Whether it's something as simple as taking a morning walk or making your favorite cup of coffee, these moments can provide much-needed stability during times of uncertainty. Connecting with Your Support System As much as we might want to retreat into ourselves when facing grief, connecting with others is one of the most healing things we can do. Family and friends offer not just emotional support but practical assistance as well. Accepting help, whether it’s someone cooking you a meal or assisting with paperwork, can ease the load significantly. Even short conversations can provide comfort and perspective, helping you feel less isolated in your grief. The Power of Ceremony and Reflection Creating a moment to reflect, either alone or with loved ones, can offer a sense of closure. Whether it’s through a small personal gesture or a larger event, honoring the person you’ve lost provides an opportunity for healing. You may find it helpful to incorporate meaningful elements, such as music, favorite quotes, or even specific activities that connect to the individual’s passions. Small touches like these make the remembrance feel more intimate and personal. In such times, collaborating with a funeral director can also provide relief, as they are trained to guide you through the logistics and choices you may face. Their expertise allows you to focus on your own well-being and the memories of your loved one, rather than being overwhelmed by the details. Taking Time to Heal Healing from a loss doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t follow a strict timeline. Allow yourself to grieve in your own way and at your own pace. Some days will be harder than others, but finding moments of peace, whether through journaling, meditation, or quiet reflection, can help you process your emotions. Remember that it’s okay to seek professional support if you feel you need it, and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. In the end, managing grief is about finding what works for you, one day at a time. Whether it’s leaning on loved ones, creating small daily routines, or seeking outside guidance, every step you take helps you move forward while still cherishing the memories of the one you’ve lost.  For starters, turn down the FOMO by de-stimulating on the social media and other junk. Go have a dance instead! FOMO is the Fear Of Missing Out; a plague of the mind that is rooted in the fear of ‘not enough’. We all experience this, some more than others, based on your blueprint of life (handed to you by your upbringing and culture) but also by our personal practices. How much time do you spend scrolling screen media, fuelling comparison? JOMO is the antidote to JOMO - it is the Joy Of Missing Out. It is a mental attitude that we can fuel by accepting that when I say yes to something I’m always saying no to something else and that is wonderful! It’s a celebration of our autonomy of choice. You can be the creator of your experience. The good news - NOW IS WOW! Take a look around and experience this moment - it’s amazing. You can have joy now, no need to wait, no need to regret past choices. This moment and this life is unfolding perfectly. This brand of positivity can quickly turn toxic. To help you veer away from poisonous practices remember:
My Personal Practices I’ve lived most of my life in FOMO, and I still do and I always will. Coming back to JOMO is a practice. The more I practice being here and now the less FOMO I feel. My personal practice includes:
Underneath FOMO At the core of FOMO is often a phenomenon called social comparison, which is rooted in that old ‘I’m not enough’ feeling. While we may have more tools than ever before to see into other people's lives, human beings have always felt this urge. In small quantities this is healthy - it fuels ambition. In the 21st Century the barrage of updates showing everything you haven’t got can undermine your own sense of enoughness. Dealing with this quantity of FOMO fuel is the challenge of the modern era. The good news - the larger the challenge the bigger the growth! 6 Habits That Increase JOMO
Additional tools If you’re having trouble letting go of that feeling of obligation even after you unplug we can use mental tools like visualisation. I have a tool I call RE-ANCHOR - which helps me “play the tape” of my positive vision, over the negative imagery in my mind. Another version is to ask yourself “How would you feel if you stayed in? If you went out?” Imagining how you would feel can be a helpful indicator of when you need to lean in or lean out. You can also experiment by doing 1 minute of something. Like: “OK I’ll just do a 1 minute walk” or “1 minute of my coursework”. The starting energy is always the trickiest bit. As I say in yoga / meditation practice: “The hardest move is rolling out the mat”. I hope you have a joyful day. If you need more help come and talk. Book a 1:1 session with me here. Big love Neil PS. Fire - it's so much better than TV / screens   Sir Isaac Newton, the famous English scientist, once said, “If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.” Of course, Newton wasn't literally standing on the shoulders of giants. Newton was explaining that his ideas didn't come from him alone. He relied on the ideas of those who came before him. Newton’s mentor, Isaac Barrow, described his work as “of an extraordinary genius.” That's the sort of thing a mentor might say about their mentee. WHAT IS A MENTOR? Mentors are like role models that invite a mentee into their world, who spends time with the mentee, who offer their expert guidance, honest feedback and share insights with the mentee. By doing this they are able to open doors that might otherwise remain closed to a mentee. Here are some key components: TIME: Usually they spend a lot more time with a mentee than a counsellor or coach, often face to face. They might even spend time coaching or counselling the mentee, but you give them more than advice - you give them time and bring the mentee into your world. PLANS: They would challenge mentees with homework and ask them to prepare things for critical discussion. They hold the mentee to account and help them to stay on track with their goals by planning. ENCOURAGEMENT: Most of all they acknowledge, encourage, praise choices and behaviour and rise up the mentee based on actions, not characteristics. This is perhaps the most important part of the mentor. CORRECTION: Discipline , correction and instruction when needed. Guts and courage is needed sometimes to offer kind but bold and clear guidance on how to do things and sometimes 'what' to say or do. HOW DOES MENTORING DIFFER FROM COACHING? Coaching helps someone to 'get fit' whether in the business world or in relationship skills. Mentoring, however, is a learning relationship, and is generally focused on long term development. Personal growth, building skills, knowledge, and understanding is the main aim. Mentors may use coaching skills in their conversations, but a wider, more holistic approach, with more sessions and over a longer term allows deep connections and experiences to happen, often with mentor and mentee side-by-side. BECOME A MENTEE WITH NEIL A Mentoring relationship is no small thing. If you think I can help you in your work, relationship or general life, by allowing me into your world and coming into mine then I'd love to talk to you. Email me here with your ideas. Finally a video about being a good mentor, which inspired this blog post: I admit that I was very resistant to some modern ideas of intersectionality, as well as other social justice reforms. It's simply because I couldn't work out how to use them and how they would positively effect change - which is what I really want, and I think it's what most people want. I find wishy washy concepts unhelpful and worry they just create confusion, polarity and divisiveness. However, after some thought, research and discussion I'm now more on board with many concepts and in this blog I wanted to explore how I found it helpful to see how intersectionality can be PRACTICALLY HELPFUL to positive social change. HOW I PUT INTERSECTIONALITY INTO MY PRACTICE Here are 6 ways I try to use intersectionality: 1. Recognise my own identities on the wheel of power / privileged:  Here is my personal example, which is a fascinating exercise to ty for yourself:
My Privileges / Powers: - Cis Gender - White - Male - Citizen of wealthy, democratic country - Living where I grew up, close to family - English speaking - Middle Class - Uni Education - Slim - Robust Mental Health - Mostly Able Bodied - Mostly Hetero Sexual My Marginalization: - Kinky - Queer - ADHD - Spinal disability - Polyamorous - Not much money - No property (renting) - No inheritance - Solo lingual Recognising this has been an incredible step for me. It opened my eyes to my privilege and also areas where I have struggles. It makes me consider how to use my privilege well and also how I can ask for help or do some work to include those parts of me that society marginalises. 2. Consider others around me. I talk about these struggles with people around me. I learn, via consideration and conversation, about the nuances of discrimination people face. I love doing this wherever I go. It feels lovely to see and acknowledge people's invisible struggles with love and care. I think the positive change is that it helps include more people and spreads good feelings. 3. In groups or 1:1 I try to prioritize the voices of marginalized people. This doesn't mean others voices are unwelcome or don't matter, it's just that we need to balance the power by slightly prioritising those with lived experience. I try to do this in my groups, which feels amazing and I think increases our social awareness. 4. When planning events I consider the marginalized traits. I try to be clear in my communication about what the event includes for an how. Some events are not for everyone and its important to acknowledge that. I also try and make open events as inclusive as possible. I can do this by asking people about their needs and offering some accommodations, up front. This creates positive change for people coming, but also sends a message to the world that we should work hard to include others and to be clear how. 5. Collaboration in events: I strive to collaborate with people and/or provide resources for people from different communities, issue areas, and sectors to promote transformative change. This celebrates marginalized facilitators and includes more people in the world. 6. If collecting data - I try to make sure that data collection does not overlook the experiences of individuals with intersectional identities by offering multiple choices and also an 'other' box. This raises our real social awareness. You'll see this on my sign up forms. In the end intersectionality is an obvious concept, which I think we can all get behind, but I challenge you and myself to really consider HOW we can do this. I hope this post has inspired you. Feel free to comment how it has or if there are other practical suggestions for how to do this. I hope to see you at one of my group workshops soon. Warm wishes Neil PS. I was inspired by this blog: https://opportunityagenda.org/messaging_reports/ten-tips-for-intersectionality/  As I work with clients I heartily encourage them to love themselves through caring for this incredible organism that they are. We are a body. You can enjoy the idea and feeling of being a spirit too, if you like, but what we know for sure is that this body is the thing that allows us to have a life, here and now, on this Earth. Unfortunately people (including me) sometimes feel that it is a drag 'having' to care for the body. It has all these constant 'needs' and gives us 'pain'. Yeesh! MINDSET This mindset is understandable. We are all busy and important people and we lose sight of the truth of life. We get caught up in 'doing' so much that everything we 'do' becomes a means to an end - an obstacle to achieving our goals! GOALS! This goal orientated way of being is great for getting shit done. The unfortunate side effect is that life things become chore-some, instead of awe-some. That sucks. Again, I find myself in this state sometimes - overly focused on the goals and neglecting my beautiful body. THE BODY FEELS FOR A REASON When we remember that the body feels so good with self care we love to look after it. Stretching, exercise, eating well - all these things feel very easy. When we also remember the Polyvagal theory we can really care for our body in a way that helps our underlying state. We have three states of reacting to the world - Parasympathetic (rest and disgust), Sympathetic (Threat activation or Fight/flight/Fawn) and Dorsal Vagal (overwhelm/ shut down - Freeze, Flop,) . With the awareness that these require responding with different ways of breathing, posture, movement, voice - upregulating or downregulating and that these are skills and disciplines that take time and practice - this can be seen as a chore or a fantastic insight. The first thing I do is raise my awareness with a code word - a traffic light. If I realise I'm 'activated' I say 'amber' to myself and take a moment to slow down and regulate my nervous system. When I say 'red' it's because I realise I'm feeling despondent and shut down, so I first do some activation movement and breath and then calm down to a 'Green' state. CHORE-SOME OR AWE-SOME The chore-some mindset says "Oh jeez! I'm so broken, it's so much work, it's endless!" We all fall into this sometimes. The awe-some mindset says "Wow! I'm so adaptable, my body works so well, it's always growing and changing!" This is the one I like to remember and practise. So I invite you today to meet your body with love and enjoy the incredible wisdom that is holds and communicates via feelings. If you need help with this let me know and come work with me 1-1 or in a group. Big love, Neil PS. here is a video of Peter Levine loving his work of trauma healing We need to rest. But what about “active rest”? It seems like an oxymoron, but what exactly is it and how can it help? Self care and rest come under the same bracket, and it’s widely accepted that we need these things. The world is full of noise and chaos and it’s simply exhausting, physically, mentally, and emotionally. So we need a break. Is there a way we can take a more active role in this? This is what today's blog looks at. Media Addiction 'Doom Scrolling 'and 'Mindless Surfing' is not happening at epidemic levels, partly because we have been indoctrinated into media addiction since were were children, before our brain had even fully developed. This means we never rest. We fill every moment with media, often via screens or head phones - information about millions of subjects that we have no control over and largely just create 'mind pollution'. I've written before about how your attention is the product being exploited and seeing the real enemy is media influencers. Unhelpful rest A few years ago, the classic thing to do when you come in from work is to sit in front of the television and channel surf for a while. The modern equivalent of this is probably doom scrolling, which is where you stare at a phone and simply scroll through social media and binge on bad news. If that sounds familiar to you, don’t worry. It’s a common habit and doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. But it’s not exactly a healthy habit. People engage in these behaviours due to a combination of boredom and tiredness. You simply can’t be bothered to think of something to do, so choose something easy and mindless. But while it’s easy to do, this isn’t actually restful. For starters, you rarely feel satisfied after spending a few minutes or even hours doom scrolling or channel surfing. Instead, you might feel restless or even frustrated. Often people spend time staring at their phones instead of sleeping and, let’s be honest, are you actually enjoying it? Admit you are unwell The problem with mental illness is that we often feel ashamed of it because its not as tangible as physical sickness. If you had a broken leg you're more likely to self care without shame. With mental illness, which addiction is part of, we shame ourselves, get stressed and then need even more rest. Perhaps the most important part of rest - GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION How do I give myself permission? This is the 'active' part of rest. Working with the mind. Recognising the inner resistance and shame. Talking to those parts of yourself. This is where I can help with 1:1 work where I can teach you how to see things more rationally and start to respect yourself in your inner dialogue. Different people need different types of rest at different times. The interesting thing is that, when it’s deliberate, your rest is rarely harmful. You can watch crap, you can do nothing. Do you enjoy watching TV or playing video games? Great. When we allow ourselves to do it we also naturally put BOUNDARIES on it. We set an end time and then I often use the 54321 method to get up and do something else. Perhaps you want to know where to watch F1 in Australia or something else - no problem. So long as you do it with full permission and actually allow yourself to enjoy this restful time, then when you're finished you'll feel refreshed and satisfied and you'll have renewed energy to do something else. I hope this message encourages you to give yourself a break, work with your mind so you can actively rest, when you need it. Big Love Neil  Getting ready for some outdoor active rest in my bathtub! This morning I did what I often do, my practice of checking in with my emotional vulnerability - my inner child. I've come to realise, through this practice, that most of the time I don't need to 'do' much in order to get into a centred 'adult' state, but I simply need to 'be with' the part of me that is vulnerable and let it have some voice. I'll explain more here in the hope that you, dear reader, will try and do the same and discover how easy it is to change your state. Even as I type the words 'inner child' I internally cringe. I used to think inner child work was such a load of nonsense. My father raised me to be hyper rational (whilst simultaneously not owning his own angry emotions). What I've come to realise is that whilst the rational mind is a powerful tool it is not in charge. The emotions are. Mark Manson describes this well in the conscious /clown car. If we don't acknowledge them, they will drive us into very difficult situations. In this blog I want to explain my theory of why that is and also what we can do about it - namely giving voice to our emotional vulnerability, in a safe space.  A lot of my work is informed by Transactional Analysis (TA) - model of psychotherapy, created by Eric Berne in the 1950's. Like any 'model' it is not complete and perfect, but it can be a very useful 'lens' to view our interactions and the internal 'states' we respond from. The idea of this is that if we become aware of this stuff in our life we can break the patterns and create new, more helpful ones. Doing that isn't a purely rational process, as I'll explain below. Simply put the ideas are as follows:
 Drama Tringle
These ideas feed nicely into the idea of 'roles' that we take on, when we get embroiled into drama. I've adapted these into my own drama triangle. Read more here. The reason it's hard to escape the drama triangle is that we are deeply programmed to respond from our Ego States, that it surpasses our conscious, rational mind. Escaping drama through Voicing Vulnerability, I believe there are three ways to escape the drama triangle, but first we have to recognise that we've been unconsciously pulled into it! The main way I do this is to take a pause, regularly. What next? One of the three ways is to work with our emotions and VOICE OUR VULNERABILITY. You see the victim mindset is linked to the adapted-child ego state. We adapted to act like a victim to receive strokes from inattentive (or overly critical / smothering) caregivers. We sometimes bring this behaviour into adult life (Eg. We go quiet and shy , or another adaptation might be acting out in inappropriate situations). What the child really needed was a safe space (and encouragement) to voice their vulnerable feelings and to receive positive strokes in the form of being listened to with love, co-regulation (soothing the nervous system from an emotionally regulated parent), empathising with the child's perspective and respect for their trying to overcome it. I have adapted this into a handy tool that anyone can use with themselves, or with another person. Activating the ELDER Voice is a powerful mode of expressing ourselves. Have you noticed that when you speak something aloud you also hear it? If you repeat it and listen you really get some interesting feedback effects in the body and the mind. With this in mind, and awareness of the different Ego States we can make it a regular practise to find a sage space to voice our vulnerable emotions. But where is this safe space? Well the best place is a private place, where no one else can hear. I use the car or I go for a walk in nature. Next we access that part of us that is the Nurturing Parent and the Free Child. We vocalise our distress to the parent, repeating it many times. Then the parent listens, soothes, empathises with and respects the child. This allows the child to feel seen, heard and loved and then the adult can come online and steer this human being! Here's the acronym to help you ELDER (Click here for full instructions) E: Express the Emotion: Allow sound or words, keep repeating L: Listen with Love: Hands on belly and chest and repeat I hear you, I love you D: Downregulate: Take a breath and rub the hands. Soothe the body. E: Empathy: Show deep understanding of the child's perspective. Validate that it makes sense R: Respect: Honour the child's efforts and achievements. Express pride and togetherness. My findings I have found remarkable things happen here when I do this. First - I feel better, more spacious, more calm, more open and more clear. I feel like I can get on with things. Second - I find solutions come easily. I remember more options available to me . Third - I bring this more into my life. I allow myself to voice my feelings and needs with clarity and ownership (instead of confusion and demanding of others). This has a positive ripple effect on others and we can have healthier adult to adult conversations. In the past I thought this had to be all cognitive work, with the rational mind, and I now see it is the emotions that sail the ship and I need to check in with them, give them voice, if I'm to sail the ship in the direction I consciously want to go. The good news is - it feels great and with practice its easy peasy! Working with ELDER and Ego States I have really adapted this into my personal practice and my work with clients. If this is something you're interested in come and work with me 1:1 or in groups.  To help see the value of this let's look at the story of Jo and Jae, two friends who lead similar lives. It's a cold, icy and wet Tuesday morning... Jo is woken up by the alarm at 6:50am and looks at the weather, through the window, hits the snooze and goes back to sleep. Jo does this reputedly until 7:30am when it's time to get breakfast. In a hurry Jo spills the tea and in a rush to get in the car accidently drops the keys under the car, in the icy rain! Jo is annoyed with the cold weather and worried about an important meeting at work. On the drive Jo is going too fast, the radio is too loud and Jo nearly hits an elderly person crossing the street. Instead Jo swerves and hit's a bollard. Jo winds down the window to shout at them, unaware of a police officer approaching to give Jo a ticket for dangerous driving! Jae is woken up by the alarm at 6:50am and remembers an intention to meditate. Despite the cold outside Jae sits up straight on the floor, under a blanket, tea steaming in front for 10 minutes, focusing on the sensations of the body and observing the thoughts passing across the mind. Jae feels more centred after this and checks-in by talking out loud and then setting an intention for the day. Today Jae remembers an important meeting and Jae decides to practice calmness in preparation and during the meeting. During breakfast Jae listens to calming music and in the car Jae drives carefully, enjoying the frosty trees and children throwing snowballs. An elderly person is crossing and Jae stops, winds down the window to say hello before driving off and smiling at the nice response. The difference in these two days is clear and it can be attributed to setting an intention the night before to wake up and create space to meditate and check in. This is something I try to do every weekday and I'm starting to open this up to others to join me. If you're interested check here to see if they are ongoing now. The structure I often use is the folliwng:
Finally it's important to get up and move. In the past I have allowed the time boundary to lapse and I can spend an hour reflecting and getting caught up in thinking. Instead make it a practice to stand up and DO SOMETHING. I often do a short stretch and then go get breakfast. I hope this helps you have a more wonderful day. Come join me on my daily Morning Meditation and Check In .  Mindfulness is all about being in the NOW. I have created an acronym to help us remember to cultivate our curious and creative state. This is the thing that will turn suffering into life. Pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice. You can be lost in the suffering of your mental anguish - FOMO, guilt, worry, resentment - or you can choose to process these things:
Positively-Mindful is the name of my work because I want us to stay positive with our minds. One of the underlying thoughts here is the question ‘is the root of life, or your self or the creative force or ‘god’ or whatever you want to call it is either…
The old religions of Ancient Greece may have said number 3. The modern scientific take is often B, because the idea of a creator or creative force has been replaced by the idea of a random coincidence of events creating life in the primordial soup on planet earth. I argue the answer is A, because I can sense the love within myself, underneath all the conditioning of mind-made ideas and the ‘survival self’ my human organism has been forced to create in order to survive my teens. Let’s examine a little deeper why it is not B, for me, by looking at the main scientific theory of evolution. Evolution argues all life is connected and emerged from a primordial soup of dead molecules that somehow formed early strands of amino acids that eventually became DNA (Deoxyribonucleic acid) - the building blocks of all life on Earth. DNA is more complex than a modern smartphone, partly because it is able to replicate itself. Can a smartphone do that? There is code within DNA, which is as impossible to occur naturally or randomly as it would be for the components of a smartphone to occur naturally. It would be like just the right amount of heat and elements coming together to form a plastic rectangular filled with microcircuitry and a screen. Nope - impossible, even with an infinite timeline. Like proteins, the formation of RNA (polymers of nucleotides) requires complex cellular machinery. It simply can’t occur spontaneously. Even with the watchmaker idea evolution doesn’t explain how life emerged and the most plausible definition is actually that a creator is responsible, or that this is all a dream of that creator. It is a fascinating idea and to be honest we don’t need to know the answer but it is vitally important that we continue to wonder! If we stop getting curious we descend into cynicism or arrogance. When we stay open and curious we remain humble, which breeds compassion, love, inspiration, cooperation… all the lovely qualities of human beings that make us thrive. When I ponder this I often feel a surge of inspiration and tears stream down my face. The possibility is that someone or something created me. Are they still watching or are they inside me? Is this life more than just a random occurrence? Could it be a beautiful thing with more meaning than I currently know? If so, what is death and what will happen to me? Wonderful questions! Wonderful feelings. So keep your wonder alive today. As you meditate, ponder the impossibility of life emerging naturally and what that means to you. What is this creative life force within you? Connect to it and enjoy your fabulous and mysterious life, today, right NOW.  Welcome to The Gentle Village, a place for us to connect, knowing we don't have to do it all alone. A safe space to explore Relationships. Vulnerabilities, Curiosities, Courage and a deeper connection with Life and Love in 2023 In this podcast, Jamie Catto (Musician, Film-maker and author of Insanely Gifted) and Neil Morbey (Mindfulness and Relationship Coach, Intimacy and Kink Workshop Facilitator) talk about topics of relationships with a focus on attachment, polyamory, monogamy, vulnerability, basic needs, boundaries, trauma and support. If you'd like us to discuss something please send questions to [email protected] Link the show: https://open.spotify.com/show/0RK43pnBZpOo6Mqc7YWHJ5?si=725695522f724116  |
AuthorsNeil Morbey is a coach, counsellor and group facilitator for Positively-Mindful.com ; focusing on being a mindful adult in a modern world of triggers, traumas and overwhelm. Blog Index
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