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Blog! Seize the day, then let it go 

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When to listen to your gut: The power of intuition and instinct

1/3/2021

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TLDR: The main insights of this blog
  1. We evolved to move. Civilized socialisation teaches us to  inhibit movement and overly rely on the conscious mind to solve problems. 
  2. This disconnects us from instinct and intuition; our main source of power and motivation.  We can become confused, fearful and unmotivated. 
  3. Intuition and instinct speak through the body, via emotions and reactions. They are wise, but short sighted and they are trained by past experience.
  4. It's important to create space to listen beyond the 'noise' of all the mixed signals and acknowledge what is felt, but do believe or react, just acknowledge. 
  5. With awareness we can play with our instinct to move, which can help us to discern the intuitive wisdom from the fearful interpretations and reactions.
  6. Once we have moved, felt and discerned the wisdom we can think more clearly with the rational mind, and move towards solving problems. If it is still stuck the tools I teach from ACT therapy can help. 
MY RECENT EXPERIENCES
​I wrote this blog as a reflection of three distinct experiences recently:
  1. The first was when I went to buy a car. The car seemed good, but I felt something wasn’t right when talking to the salesman.  The telling sign was the feeling of pressure and discomfort- my intuition trying to communicate. I didn't listen. I ended up having a costly experience with an untrustworthy salesman.​
  2. In another experience a friend was asking for help and I noticed feelings of pressure and fatigue emerge very quickly. This time I slowed down and as I watched the fatigue dissipate easily.   Afterwards I felt a surge of energy and motivation, and it felt easy to offer help.
  3. In a third example I was getting frustrated during a discussion with my partner. This time I felt frustration and urges to move.  Instead of trying to rationalise I slowed down, tuned in, and acknowledged my feelings, expressing: “I’m feeling frustrated! I don’t have the capacity for more talking… I need to move! Would you be willing to come and help me move this emotion so we can connect more?”  I’m lucky enough to have a very open minded partner, who let me stop talking and go do some press ups, sit ups and chin ups. She even played with me by pummelling my chest and we  growled together - it was really odd and really fun! It completely changed the energy in us bot. We ended up connecting in a deeply ' primal way' that felt deeply satisfying and insightful.  The talking that followed flowed easily.
WE EVOLVED TO MOVE, BUT NOW WE INHIBIT
What these showed me is that I often want to pause and notice my emotion and sometimes  'move with' with it' to get clarity.  I realised that us humans are basically monkeys with more brains. Like any animal, or monkey, we live on fear and libido - survive and reproduce. We train our instinctive reactions through past experience. Painful past experience is our main trainer.  Modern humans have these issues :
  1. We have bigger brains, bigger memories and bigger imaginations. We scare ourselves by interpreting things as 'bad' remembering them for a long time. Our instincts become very fearful.
  2. We've lived in the wild, in small tribes, for millions of centuries. It’s only in the last hundred centuries that we have civilized society and grouped in enormous numbers, which requires us to  'behave ourselves'. So we inhibit our instinct to move and shake off tension, and we overly use our rational minds.
  3. This 'civilized society' is very noisy and full of confusing messages. All the fearful interpretations of all the other human monkeys is broadcast 24/7 on the internet, adding to our own internal noise and making it harder to hear ourselves think, let alone, feel. 
Our primal instincts get confused, so we use our rational minds to overpower and think our way through problems. This can disconnect us from our main sources of power and wisdom - the bodily instinct and intuition.  This is why I teach meditation and physical practices to help us to reconnect to...
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INTUITION AND INSTINCT - SOURCES OF POWER
When you think about it our bodies have more than one brain and more than one mode. We have: 
  • Primal 'gut' instincts​
    • ​The spinal cord links all parts of the body as it has for millions of centuries. basically run everything. 
    • Our primal sources of  motivation are to survive and reproduce. In times of fear we automatically Fight, Flight, and Freeze.
    • Primal instinct communicates via fear and libido centred in the gut and genitals, followed by specific urges for action.
  • ​​Subconscious 'heart' intuition
    • ​The midbrain adds deeper intelligence to decipher complex social signals
    • We respond in more emotional ways and with actions like smiling, laughing, crying etc.
    • Intuition communicates via 'feelings and emotions', centred in the heart and gut.​
  • Conscious 'head' intelligence 
    • The prefrontal cortex of the brain requires slow, focused concentration to make complex decisions to solve problems. 
    • Conscious intelligence communicates via thoughts and images, and you feel it as pressure, centred in the head, face and shoulders.
THE LANGUAGE OF THE BODY - FEELINGS AND URGES - DON'T LET THEM DRIVE THE BUS
Imagine the conscious you is like a driver of a  school bus, except the bus is full of child monkeys!
When things are in balance we are 'happy' and the bus is on track passengers remain quiet.  When the passengers sense a potential threat or desire they make noise at the driver (via emotions). They are trying steer you towards desired outcomes and sexual partners and away from pain. The more fearful emotional feelings and urges could be:
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  • Anger. frustration and grumpiness as hot tension in fists, arms, shoulders head, chest and neck , with an urge to lash out, stress the body and shout.  
  • Anxiety, fear, nervousness, confusion as cold tension in the heart, shoulders, throat, jaw or head, with an urge to shake, whine and move frantically. 
  • Shame, guilt, embarrassment as numbing closedness in the genitals, belly and heart, with flushed cheeks and an urge to shut down, hide and stay quiet.  
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REACTIVE URGES
​When passengers feel more threatened they react quickly, to avoid danger, trying to take control of the bus for a moment. It might not be an actual danger though. It's likely that the current event reminds your nervous system of a past painful experience and the instincts automatically activate a reaction mechanism to avoid the pain. This could be something along the lines of:
  • Lashing out, flying into a rage verbally or physically
  • Escaping, avoiding - which could be physical or could be intellectual, like trying to rationalise, or distracting oneself with an addictive habit or bodily reaction
  • Shutting down, sobbing or going quiet, impotence and tiredness -  meaning you cannot continue to talk or even move, in extreme cases.

Be a SANE driver
So the driver needs to maintain control, to listen and acknowledge, but not to buy into the emotional reaction. It may be necessary to allow a physical response to channel the instinctive urges before the can calm the bus down. One method is a strategy I teach, called 'SANE': 
  1. Slow down (or stop) the bus to make space to become more aware
  2. Acknowledge and allow the feelings and urges to be there. Don’t suppress, and don’t let them drive the bus. 
  3. Need underneath - discern what is needed now through observation and communication. 
  4. Encourage Expression: Give permission to ourselves to speak up and get needs met.
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PLAY:  ENCOURAGE YOURSELF TO MOVE &  EXPRESS
The best bus drivers will have a healthy relationship with the passengers and will be interested in their feelings and needs. This driver will occasionally realise that monkeys need movement, reassurance and PLAY! Here are some examples of playful expressing activities I do regularly, to meet the need of my inner child/monkey like passengers:​
  • For ​Frustration and Anger:
    • High intensity workout / stress / beat chest to hardcore music
    • ​Talk to a friend and vent
    • Remote forest walk - smash logs and shout
  • For ​Anxiety, boredom and restlessness pick something a little fun and physical:
    • Watch some comedy! Put it into a light hearted perspective. 
    • Have a quick workout to some pumping music
    • Have a good shake out and a silly dance to music
    • Go look at a tree and listen to birds
  • For lower end emotions like fatigue, sadness, shame and guilt pick something low key like:
    • Watch a sad movie if you get stuck 
    • Have a nap / Self massage / Bath 
    • ​​Listen to / Play instrument to  a sad song 
    • Write / Paint about it
IF STUCK, USE A TOOL
​If you are really stuck and can’t access your playfulness, then here is a practice of recognising the interpretation that is setting off the instinctive reactions and playing with the words. I do this with myself and my clients for about five minutes. It is inspired by Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT):
  1. ​Find the underlying fear
  2. Repeat it and stimulate the feeling
  3. Soothe the body using breath, words and touch. 
  4. Repeat and play - you may decide to use silly voice or to sing the thought
  5. Stop after a couple of minutes it becomes very silly and you reach the point of ‘had enough’. Then you can move on
MOVING ON AND THINKING MORE CLEARLY
The aim is not to stay stuck in the feeling, but to allow the feeling to be expressed and then move into clear thinking, so you can see viable options move forward and feel the motivation to act. This works so much better when you connect and move first. If you would like help with this  coach people specifically to think, feel and express themselves and I teach SANE strategies in my latest Mindful Relating course. Register now if you’d like to learn how to tune into your intuition and channel its power to be helpful instead of inhibited. Or do some private coaching with me.  
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LEARN WITH NEIL
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Breaking the Lockdown Blues

4/2/2021

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“I’m a mindfulness coach, I’m not supposed to feel miserable! Why the hell am I so low?”
These were the words uttered by my brain this morning, as I woke up and laid there, thinking. That was rubbish so I avoided the thought with a solid 45 minutes of phone time, until… 
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Here's a video of this blog if you can't be arsed to read it. You're welcome. 
Clap! (this is actually a tool I teach!)
“I’m better than this shit!”
I got up and made my bed and decided to go outside. I remembered some  of my sources of inspiration that cheer me up:
  • Nature, trees, birds and the like
  • Running (bare chested - thanks Wim Hoff)
  • Being an idiot and dancing to music as I run 
  • Saying hello to EVERY SINGLE PERSON I see this morning (this really helps me!)
  • Home, tea, meditation, stretching
  • Cold shower screaming!
  • Writing

Break the lockdown - give myself permission to  EXPRESS MYSELF. 
This I remembered is the main reason I feel crap sometimes. I am creating my own personal lockdown, because I judge myself.  I compare myself to some imagined standard of how I should be. It’s not safe to be myself, to express myself - my brain won't allow it.

Bullshit!
It's not true that it's not safe. If the STOP technique (another tool I teach in collaboration with Mark Dunn) has taught me anything it is that the brain talks a lot of shit. 
But we can’t just tell ourselves that. The self judgement keeps us locked in to a spiral of shitty habits. So what can we do? 

Give yourself permission - allow! 
Think about it. If judgement, resistance and comparison is at the root of our suffering and the perpetuation of our stuckness then stop fighting it and allow it - just for 10 minutes even! You can then short circuit your lockdown blues. For example:
  1. “I shouldn’t feel like this”
  2. “I shouldn’t be judging - oh god now I’m judging myself!”
  3. “I shouldn’t be judging that either, what an idiot!”
  4. “I should stop judging now, oh no!”
  5. “I’m judging that I’m judging that I’m judging that I feel like this!!”
  6. “OK, fuck this… let’s go outside”
  7. Oh, I feel better now. Hmmm.... 

I’ve found emotions don’t last long if I give them permission to be here. If I EXPRESS THEM without harming anyone else. Personally I like to play with them, play the fool.  This is a result of my clowning and fooling work with people like Holly Stoppit and Jamie Catto, but also my intuition. When we play we are giving ourselves permission to live life as ourselves, without the 'personal lockdown'.

So if you want to break the personal lockdown blues can you play with them? How can you express your blues today? (or whatever else you have inside)

If you want some help with this let me know. I'm offering some reduced price sessions for people in the lockdown struggling with money - check out my Coaching page or email me: neil@positively-mindful.com for a callback chat
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Chat with Neil
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Trying to Change a Habit? Forget Dopamine Fasting, Take a Holiday!

20/11/2020

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A behavioral brain trick called “dopamine fasting” has been around for a while now - the idea of restricting most of your pleasurable daily activities — from social media, to watching videos, gaming, or even eating — you can “reset” your brain. The idea also plays into people’s simplistic ideas about how the brain works.

But does it work? TLDR: No, not in my opinion. It is still focused on using willpower to overcome primal drives, using a  high stress method of deprivation, rooted in the false notion that dopamine  imbalances cause bad habits and addictions. They don't, cultural and mental persecution does. Dopamine rises are the result of MAD habits, caused by trauma and disconnection with positive things.  

Instead let’s change all that. Let's take self-judgement, comparison and expectation out of the equation so that there is less stress (the very thing that drives the craving for relief) and more inspiration. 

This blog is inspired by session 2 of my course: Mindfulness and Emotional Resilience. Here is a summary of some of that session:
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Are habits biological or psychological or environmental?

Our reward systems - the old view of addiction
Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that signals anticipation of pleasure. Ir helps you be motivated to get things done and to move. Dopamine pushes you to crave more stimulus. This is a natural drive and nothing is wrong with it. Modern life offers a lot of stimulation of dopamine. Feeling over-stimulated is often a sign of doing too much and getting a high dopamine hit. This can inhibit present moment focus and stop you from enjoying simple things. The balance of dopamine and it's antidote, serotonin, plays a part in our understanding of addiction and I wrote about that here - but does this isn't the root cause, as we once thought. 

It's not in the genes, it's in our society and in your own mind!
For years we've been labouring under the assumption that addicts are that way due to an imbalance of dopamine  and serotonin, and so we've relied on drugs to balance these levels. This can help in the short term, but not long term.  That's because dopamine  is the result of a lack of positive connection. If a person is brought up in a negative environment, or doesn't have meaningful work, sustainable income or worse, has a criminal record, then they will feel the pressure of life as stress in the body and negative thinking in the mind. This inner and outer persecucion is the very thing that humans need relief from ​as shown in these insightful videos:

Biological Understanding (old)

Sociological Understanding (new)

How you think about it matters
We all have 'monkey minds' that tend to think negatively. We often beat ourselves up about our habits. We have high expectations of ourselves and others, so we talk about our habits as 'bad'. This drives the habits - it adds stress, which makes the cravings for relief stronger and make it more likely you'll relapse into the old habit, eventually. 

A ‘dopamine detox’ is a way of thinking that uses a serious amount of willpower an  ‘deprivation stress'  to remove all pleasure. Willpower can get used up. The internal slave driver will sap your energy and make things less enjoyable. How long will it be until you need to escape and find some instant pleasure from the old habit again? What you are really running from is the negativity of the mind, felt as stress in your body. Your body needs some relief. A holiday perhaps?

Willpower!

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Reframe your habit change, positively - as a holiday!
If you can use the mind in a cooperative, instead of punishing way then you'll be happier AND get more done. Positive, empowered thinking will not add stress, it will add enjoyment! I have a few suggestions to help you here:
  • Liberation, not deprivation: See the time off as liberating, luxurious and a relief - like a holiday! 
  • Learning not failing:  Recognise this is all a process of learning and finding balance. Nothing is wrong and pain is a natural part of the learning process. In fact pain is a good sign - a sign of growth. 
  • Embrace and experience mistakes: Third, if you do slip up, do it consciously and talk about it afterwards. This way you get to expose yourself to the truth of the habit, and learn faster, to naturally let it go.
Here's some ideas...
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MAD habit holiday
One experiment you can try is a holiday.  Pick one thing that you notice is a old, unhelpful habit and decide to take a short holiday from it.  Write it down and look forward to planning a trip away from it. 

Remember - it's a treat. Time off to enjoy yourself. You might consider something you'd actually like to do instead. Write that down too.

A holiday can be an hour, a day, a week, or even a whole month of liberation from something stressful and unhelpful, ​You lucky devil! here are some more tools to help you...

Dopamine Doggie Reframe

A neat visual perspective on that is I imagine dopamine as a wee doggie inside me. It is craving and barking and yapping. I choose to see the yapping as a sign of an untrained doggie that needs loving training. If I feed it it will become more yappy. If I say "No, not now, good doggie, sit" then I feel I am doing a good job and the doggie learns it must sit patiently and then I will give it love a different way. I learned this from the book:‘The Easy Way to Quit Sugar’. It is similar to the 'strongest is the one you feed' idea, but more loving and relatable. 
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Clap yourself out of it!

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A friend of mine introduced one final weapon in fighting the old unhelpful habits. A pattern interrupt you know well: Clapping your hands! Here’s how it works
  1. First imagine something that feels great, like doing incredibly well in a job interview and getting offered the hob, on the spot. 
  2. CLAP! Associate empowerment feelings with the clap. 
  3. Repeat this 3-5 times every week. 
  4. Use the clap whenever you notice yourself doing the old habit. This will empower you! Then say “I’m better than…(old habit)
  5. Walk away! 
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Travel Companion: Accountability Buddy

Find someone enthusiastic, to go  on holiday with 
I like to tell everyone I’m on holiday and celebrate it daily. I can do it so much better if I holiday with another person. We can call this an ‘accountability buddy’. We encourage and celebrate daily. If we get an urge? Tell them. Call each other ‘lucky swine!’ for the fact they have painful cravings. Ha! That’s because the pain is a good sign - a sign of growth and opportunities for more growth if framed correctly. 

Bon Voyage!

Ps. After your holiday you can choose, naturally, without any ‘shoulds’ or willpower, how to re balance your habits.  I will probably still look at visual stimulus sometimes! ;)


Want to experience this course or 1:1 coaching - contact me now. 
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How To Liberate Yourself From Wounded Patterns

3/11/2020

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This blog is my perspective on why we repeat patterns, get attracted to people who trigger us, and why nothing is wrong - this is all good stuff, if we choose to play with it. 

Reactions Rule
We are emotional creatures (more than logical). Most of our 'reactions' are caused by hidden emotional wounds, obscured by defense mechanisms . Until we can see them and trace them to their origin we will react cluelessly to them. People in therapy are going through a process of recognising, accepting and working with these internal wounds and reactions. 

Michael Singer calls these wounds, the inner thorns. I tend to agree. 
The clues that you are reacting to an inner wound are 'disturbance':
  • When you react without clear, conscious choice (lost in the FOG of Fear, Obligation or Guilt)
  • When you feel pressure to act immediately  and clumsily
  • When you believe things are not ok, something is wrong
  • When you criticise harshly others or yourself
  • When you feel a need to advise, fix or rescue others
  • When you feel powerless and lost
These things point us to an unconscious pattern of defence and avoidance.  It is not the situation, it is your inner thorn - your wound - that makes you react with emotion.  It is very hard to interrupt this reaction without the awareness, but even when you do have awareness it is hard.

I have found the best way I can change my patterns is to prepare to remember. If I do some prep work then I can spot  the wounded reactions and more easily interrupt them. Prep involves facing our fears. 

What is the underlying need or fear?
Fear and need are two sides of the same coin. So working together and switching between fear and need the two questions you could ask repeatedly are:
  • 'What is the need beneath that?'
  • 'Then what is the fear of  what might happen?'

Here's an interview between a Client (C) and Questioner (Q):
C: "I need to get this job and I'm feeling anxious all the time"
Q: 'What is the need beneath that?'
C: "I need money and a career that I like!"
Q: 'What is the need beneath that?'
C: "I guess security. And maybe satisfaction?... No... Purpose!"
Q: 'What is the need beneath that?'
C: "I don't know!"
Q: 'Then what is the fear of might happen?'
C: "What if I don't get it? I'll be penniless, broke... my girlfriend might leave me."
Q: 'Then what is the fear of might happen?'
C: "It'd be awful. I'd feel like such a loser - alone and lost"
Q: 'Then what is the fear of might happen?'
C: "I don't know... I guess I could become depressed, go mad and lose the will to live!"
Q: 'What is the need beneath that?'
C: "I guess I'm needing connection and the knowledge that I'm OK"
Q: 'So what you're really needing is a sense of connection and acceptance"
C: "Yes. I want a job for those reasons. I guess it's not really about the job after all..."


Deep Diving Reveals Insights
If we keep diving into this 'fear and need' we will get closer to the wounding within. However the nervous system does not always think in verbal language or even in images. Some stuff is pre-verbal and not remembered, so much be explored through the emotional system itself.  You have to 'feel to heal'. 
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The Role of Mindfulness
Meditation and mindfulness invite us to see beyond our thoughts and stories, our words and imaginations, to look into the void within, to feel the sensations and emotions of the body and to hold them in loving awareness, so that we may find and heal wounds and change patterns of behaviour. To cultivate loving responses rather than fearful reactions.


The Nervous System Wants a Disconfirming Experience 
Until we do realise our reactions we will continue to unconsciously create that which we fear the most. I believe this is our nervous system's way of recreating the original wound, as a way of finding a healing experience, or a 'disconfirming' experience. 

For example: A client of mine was afraid of getting close to men, because of a difficult early experience in her life. When she experienced a man who she wanted to be close to, and she engaged with him with openness and some coaching, they found a surprise. With open communication and boundary skills the man was loving, kind and safe. This 'disconfirming experience' helped her to relax and enjoy his company.  She was drawn to men like this and, unlike in her youth, the person was not mean. It meant she could relax, knowing 'it isn't always true' that men are nasty. That meant she could let herself get closer to men.  She could do this in a safe, balanced way.

Gradual Exposure Reduces Fear
The original difficult experience, and many others, confirmed the fear was legitimate. The only way to change that is to expose ourselves, vulnerably, to something similar, and have a different outcome - one that changes the way the mind and body perceive the reality. To see that positive outcomes are possible and then we can relax and stop reacting through fear. 

Be Process Oriented 
Life  is a process. We can be a slave to it or we can be an active participant and use the process to help us heal, grow and learn. Coaching, therapy and training mindfulness is simply a way of getting into that process more consciously, so we can move it forward. It will be painful, it will be difficult (at times) but nothing is wrong. This is OK. This is exactly where you need to be. ​

Create Safer Exposure For Yourself, Now. 
If you'd like to begin this process, in a safe fun way, come and chat with me and do an introduction Coaching session or a course with one of my Groups or In your Workplace. You can contact me below.
BOOK A SESSION
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Overstimulation - The reason you struggle to focus

16/9/2020

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It's 7:00 am and as I wake up I habitually reach for my phone.  Do you do the same?

I notice. I stop. I take a breath and make a decision - not today. Today I will connect with what is important, what is real and I'll take my sweet time about it. I'll leave the smartphone off for a bit. 

I have realised for myself (and for many of my clients), that the overstimulation from smartphones, TV, advertising, fast-paced movies and click bait is one of the key reasons that we struggle to focus. Rather than go into the science (which you can find here or a video) I'd like to offer you some experiential learning. It'll take 5 minutes.

(Here is my short video to guide you)
Go sit in stillness for 3 minutes.
Tune into your bodily sensations as you take five deep in-breaths, through the nose, into a soft belly, letting out five long and smooth out breaths through an open mouth, allowing a sound (like the ocean). Close your eyes. 

Notice how it all feels. 
Yes your mind will be buzzing still, and that's ok. Keep breathing and refocusing on sensations, relaxing your face and smiling a little, if you like. Count your breath for the remainder of the time as you feel the body. 1 (in), 2 (out)... Restart after 10  counts. (5 breaths total). 

Relaxation Response - Tuning in.
This is what I call 'Relaxation Response'. It settles your nervous system and helps you connect to what is real. Notice how it is at least 10% more peaceful and you even feel more alive? Well, now let's mess that up...
Next, pick up the smartphone
Load up YouTube, or FaceBook or Instagram etc. Stare at it as you monitor you breathing, sensations and feelings in your face. Notice how your eyes dart around and thoughts in your mind get faster and faster.


Close your eyes.  Notice the difference. 
Stay with it and notice the urges inside, the craving for more stimulation. It is like fuel for the fire. Dompanie has been activated. The mind has received tiny rewards and it naturally craves more. 

Restart, for one minute. 
Now try the 'Relaxation Response' one more time. Just a minute this time. Notice the difference. ​ The more you practice the less time it takes to reset and reconnect. 
Try it yourself
This experiment has shown me just how I feed my own addiction and destroy my own ability to focus. The constant craving for immediate stimulation detracts from my ability to deep focus on creative endeavours. 

Time to focus
So now I put on some repetitive music, set a timer and get to work. I love the feeling of deep focus, when I feel the difference. I hope you do to.

If you'd like to practice or learn techniques like this please come onto the course I'm running soon: "Mindfulness and Emotions" beginning on October 1st. Book Here.
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Reminding myself everyday: The MORNING routine

12/9/2020

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Every morning I forget. I wake up brand new and forget that I'm OK, that life is beautiful, as it is, that this is a gift and life owes me nothing. 

So everyday I have to remind myself. Like someone with a memory condition I proactively build into my daily habits practices that reconnect me to the deep, felt knowing and wisdom. This blog will show you my routine and inspire you to make your own. 
​I want to act with wisdom, to build a strength of character that focuses my energy and attention on what is truly important, and not get caught up in the petty dramas and confusions of my mind. 

ROUTINE OR CHECKLIST
The way that I have found to do this is to have a morning routine, or at least a checklist that has within it some of the key components to help me step back from petty thoughts and to infuse my whole body with my deeply considered values before I launch into the action of the day. These components are:
  • Meditation: A moment of stillness, with attention fully present. 
  • Opening up: Time for writing thoughts, stepping back and finding clarity of mind.
  • Roll out: The Yoga Mat for movement meditation and stretching in preparation for
  • Nature: Outside for a walk, run, climb in sun or rain. Movement connects me to my nature.
  • Inspiration: A tiny space of time to dance, read, write, play or listen to something inspiring.
  • Nutrition: I sit and eat with presence, or socialising with friends. Phone time allowed.
  • Get ready: If I haven't already I will make a list and plan for the day. 
  • Start: I launch into my day.
NOT TOO RIGID
Within this I have found that I cannot always do all of them, or dedicate the time I would like to each, or do it in the order I want. That's OK. The main thing is that I begin. I pick one to do and then check them off, often setting a deadline for completion so that I do not over indulge. I will often use a timer to help guide me, allowing a maximum of 20 minutes per section. 

WHAT OTHER THINK DOESN'T MATTER
I have been mocked and criticised by others who think I am wasting my time. I have had my own doubts too. Sometimes I can use this routine to avoid work, or some other issue. But I know that I would avoid it anyway - we all have avoidance strategies. I have found the two most important elements in this routine are the journalling and the movement outside. These two can really help me step back from the petty mind thoughts and reconnect with my deeper desires. The thing that really helps me with those...
​MUSIC!
If you want to start a morning routine I highly recommend preparing a playlist, or some sounds that help keep you focused as you do it. I love the sounds of chanting as I meditate and journal. I love upbeat songs as I go into nature. 

AVOIDANCE BLOCKS (SMARTPHONE!)
And finally, the thing I do most often that stops me is... I over-think and then go onto my smartphone for relief. What this does is actually increase my thoughts, whilst numbing my body. I have to remind myself of this again and again. I prepare all sorts of things to help me, but overall, the STOP technique really drives this home the most. If you want to read about that click here.

If you'd like help setting up a morning routine, or finding a more healthy balance in your life and cultivating the ability to step back from petty thoughts get in touch now. 

CONTACT NEIL
"Neil really helped me overcome negative thinking and get on with my day! Love it, Thank you Neil." - Shane

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How to STOP reacting to anxiety

11/5/2020

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If you’re anything like me, you have worries. You worry about your health, your finances, about the way the world is and, of course, about how much you worry! I've managed to find  a way to reduce my worries, using a tool we call: The STOP technique. This blog will tell you all about it and help you to try and relax your anxieties. 
THE  LOGIC BEHIND THE STOP TECHNIQUE 
This version is an excerpt of the full STOP technique that we teach in our 6 week course.  Both Mark and I have adapted it over the years, experimenting with the best wording.  Regardless of the prompts, there are four main stages or 'principles' that we are trying to cultivate in our relationship with life:
  1. Awareness: We can’t do anything unless we ‘see’ the problem. So we must uncensor our mind to catch STORIES, behaviours and emotional reactions. For me, the most pernicious of all my mental STORIES are of hidden expectations, defined by the word SHOULD. 
  1. Acceptance: There is no point just flipping the thought into ‘thinking positive’ if we haven’t taken the time to make peace with yourself and with reality (I'll elaborate on this further down the page). So acknowledge and make a TRUCE with the TRUTH.
  2. Analysis: We must slow our thinking down and consider a desired and effective way forward. Only then can we OPEN up and turn a strong emotion and problematic coping strategy into an OPPORTUNITY.
  3. Action: These tools are no good without a deliberate act to embed the learning. If we focus on the action rather than the outcome then we will make a more effective PLAN.​
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JOURNALING THE STOP TECHNIQUE
Every morning I meditate and connect with my body. Then I journal and see my mind more clearly. I use the STOP technique when I find a stuck emotion, like this:

S: I should…
  • ... have created more content today. 
  • ... have been less lazy!
T: The truth is… 
  • (FEELINGS)  ...I feel worried about it... and that’s OK. 
  • (FLAWS)  ...I can be lazy sometimes… and that’s OK.
  • (FACTS)  ...I created 5 things today (list tasks) I didn’t do (list tasks). 
O: The opportunities here are: 
  • I would like to create more content, because I know I enjoy it and it helps grow my business. 
  • I could create more content by…
    • Writing a blog post 
    • Making a video
    • Writing a page of my book
P: I plan to… write a blog and make a video! I’ll do this tomorrow morning at 11am. ​
HOW WE FORMED COPING STRATEGIES
We all have a worldview of belief systems from our past experiences, culture and education. Deep within these are lots of unconscious expectations about how ‘I’ should be and how ‘others’ should be. These result in patterns of behaviour that are designed to help us fit in and survive. We call these ‘coping strategies’. Some coping strategies work well in the modern world. Others create larger problems than the ones they were originally intended to solve. This is because they are leftover from a different phase in life, from a different context, where survival meant using tactics of aggression, avoidance, anesthesia or appeasing others (Fight, Flight, Freeze, Appease). I call these ‘problematic coping strategies’.

MY PROBLEMATIC COPING STRATEGIES
In my case I experienced plenty of bullying at school, from both boys and girls, which led me to believe: 
  • “I should stay out of people’s way” 
  • “I should hide my emotions” 
  • “I should be strong” 
  • “I should appear intelligent to others” 
These beliefs pushed me to over exercise at the gym at 14 years old, damaging my spine. They also encouraged me to lie, fake confidence and repress emotions. I became anxious in my relationships and tried to be someone that I wasn’t, resulting in failed relationships and hurt people. This, as it turns out, was part of my learning process, which I can use to help others.
IT TAKES TIME AND PRACTICE
When I first used this tool it was clunky and slow and I got too obsessed with the words, but after some practice I internalised the desire for learning and for inner peace, and prioritized those traits over the need to be right, or impressive, or afraid. I now live life as an adventure, full of curiosity, and with a very simple awareness:

It is not situations that cause us problems, it is our internalised beliefs. If we explore our beliefs we come to realise that all problems are opportunities for growth... If we are willing to dig into them.  ​​
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Creating a Meditation Space for Your Home - Top Ten Tips

5/3/2020

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Whilst you may not be able to make this 'perfect' kind of space, don't let that stop you. Setting up a beautiful, peaceful and sensual space adds pleasure and meaning to practice. These things help habits stick, because they make you feel good.  It is well known that the environments we are in have a huge effect on our mental and physical well-being.

So let's have a look at how you can set up a meditation space at home!
Things to consider:
  1. Privacy
    Your mind will settle faster if it knows it is safe from judgement of others. So close the door.
  2. Non-interruption
    Similarly if you turn off your phone.  put up a sign or let others know, then your mind will relax, knowing it won't be bothered by external things.
  3. Make it beautiful - a 'feel-good' space
    Think serene and calm. How can you do that? Candles, incense, decoration? You choose. 
  4. Keep the room clean and uncluttered
    'Clutter outside creates clutter in our minds'. Start meditation with a pre-tidy up. This helps you to move before you settle. I love this part of my routine. Make tidying a pleasure!
  5. Make it comfortable
    Use cushions, a chair or even a bed. If you’re sitting on the floor, use a cushion or blankets to prop your hips up higher than your knees. This will help take the pressure off the knees and open the hips. If you use a chair, make sure you have a proper backrest or cushion.   Support your body in establishing a good posture. 
  6. Lighting 
    Feel into your bodily preference. Natural light is ideal.
  7. Bring in Nature
    Studies show nature is soothing and healing. Plants, water, earth, fire - from an intentional perspective, they create balance and connection to our own nature.
  8.  Personalize your space
    This could
     be a picture of your dog or family - tems you see to help you focus on what is 'really' valuable to you and help you to transition to a quiet, present mind-set, to ignite and touch the heart and to inspire you. It needn't be a religious altar!
  9. Activate the senses
    Whether it’s aromatic candles, incense sticks or essential oils, using a fragrance can help. “The sense of smell is powerful,” De La Rosa says. “It’s not just attracting us to the place and practice, but embedding the experience even more. The more it’s a multisensory experience, the more it sticks to us.”
  10. Take it with you
    If you know you’ll be away from home, consider taking some small piece of your space with you. This will help connect you to the feeling of the space. 
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It doesn't have to be perfect!
You can see in the photo I'm meditating with a group of teachers, in the school. I often bring my beautiful blanket with me. It's enough to say to the people 'you are special' or 'this is a special time and place'. It prmes the mind to focus on what is important. Here & now. 

Let me know what your space is like
I'd love to see pictures and hear about it. If you don't have a space yet feel free to come to any of our classes and courses, or a weekend workshop, or a retreat. 
Book a meditation session now
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Top 5 things the children loved about Mindfulness classes

9/12/2019

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Teaching mindfulness in schools
I’ve just finished teaching a 10 week course to the children of three seperate classes in year four and five at The Dolphin School in Bristol. I absolutely loved the experience, and I also found it really challenging.
Adults generally give lots of feedback and understand the complex ideas behind the work, and are able to practice for 10 to fifteen minutes. It is a totally different ball game with children. I often came away from sessions questioning the value of my work. Now, at the end I have a different perspective and real data from real students. Read on to see what they really enjoyed...

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Neil Morbey teaching Mindfulness to Year 4
9.46 out of 10!
I asked each student to rate the course and there were so many wanting to give it 11, that it made my heart sing. The lowest score was 5 and given the comments on the survey I think it was an error of understanding of the scoring system. Nonetheless I’m really pleased that most students loved the course. 
The top five things they loved the most:
  1. Calm of meditation. The most popular practices were the petal practice (opening and closing the hands in time with the breath, whilst imaging a flower) and the bubble breathing (imagining being in your own bubble as you focus on the breath).  Many children spoke of the calm that helped them to relax, enjoy and learn more effectively. 
  2. Puppy mind training. Many students liked the puppy mind training - treating the untrained mind as you would a puppy, with love, repetitive training and patience. This is a core element of all the mindfulness practice.  They were able to bring back wandering attention and notice more things here and now, feel more feelings and be able to be calm whilst doing so. They all saw the value of this training for stressed out minds.
  3. Savouring food. The savouring lesson was probably the overall favourite, which included eating a piece of chocolate and a grape slowly, to demonstrate how much joy is to be found in a simple activity, like eating, when we bring our mindful attention to it. This can help children enjoy 'raw experience' even more and develop healthy eating habits.  ​
  4. Sharing experiences and story telling. A number of students commented that they really liked the sharing of stories. The course was highly interactive and sharing is a crucial element. It's highly valuable that students feel they can make a contribution and it helps normalise feelings when many people open up and talk about them. 
  5. Videos and music. Most students enjoyed the multi-media aspect of videos, images and music.  We introduced an element of movement meditation, including dance and they love it! This helps children movement and enjoy creativity. 
How they are using it
  • The children had so many responses, and generally they reflected using the calming down skills in times of emotional upset with family members, or waiting in line at school. 
  • Some also saw how this could be useful in the future in facing challenges of jobs and relationships. One child even mentioned that it gave her a tool to use to combat her pre-existing anxiety condition.
  • My hope is they also remember these skills as part of enjoying life and growing happiness. 

What’s next?
  • The three groups that have done the practices will be encouraged to continue, with posters and practices in the Jigsaw program to keep up their mindfulness skills. Each student has been handed a certificate of achievement. 
  • We would like to begin teaching three more groups in January, and so we are in the process of seeking more funding sources. If you know anyone who owns a local business and would like to help the charity (Venturers Trust) that owns the school please get in touch with me. 
  • To help with the practice we would love to bring parents on board, with an after-school course. We believe the practice is the key to emotional regulation, and if the whole family can practice together we will encourage a social cohesion on many levels. Again, this requires more funding. 
So how am I feeling about it now?
I am excited and in love with these children. I realise that I’m only planting seeds and it requires a larger suite of strategies to raise the emotional intelligence and fitness of children, but in today’s society of constant distraction, marketing and post-truth it is increasingly important. 

​If you know anyone who could help us with funding please get in touch. Thank you!
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Some of the feedback forms (no names)
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What I learned from my week of being perfectly imperfect, ME

27/11/2019

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What happens when we drop perfectionism and admit our mistakes? I discovered something profound…
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Is this a drawing of my brain being sick? No - read on to find out...
My coach, Claire Higgins, invited me to, once again, step into courageously accepting and expressing myself. This time I realised I had been obsessed with perfectionism and I was pretending to others that I found life ‘easy’. 

Why
Can I own and accept my mistakes, publicly, as a way of helping myself and others, accept our imperfections? What other gifts will that bring?

How
I like to proceed with a plan, based on purpose and pleasure.
The purpose was clear — self acceptance, but the pleasure?
l found it liberating to admit I get things wrong and also I worry, I make mistakes, get irritated and it’s not always easy to re-correct and forgive myself, returning to a balanced ‘mindful’ state.

So the pleasure was — smiling and saying “today I have cocked up X and that’s OK!”

When, where?
I would begin as I taught the evening’s meditation class. I shared three things I cocked up today (and that’s OK) and then one thing I was worrying about. I invited everyone else to do the same. At the end everyone could feel their shoulders relax and the atmosphere was completely different. We meditated in acceptance of our imperfections for the remaining 40 minutes. It was wonderful. 

‘I’ became M.E
A realisation occured during the week. I keep saying the words "'I' am..." or "'I' feel..." but the 'I' doesn't reflect all of me.  I can often be simeltaneously happy, sad, worried and calm! So why is this word ‘I’ indicative of my whole being as one thing?
My housemate, Mareike, uses language from the ‘Focusing’ practice of meditation to talk about ‘something in me’ or ‘a part of me’. Inspired by this I realised I = M.E (Multiple Entities). Is it possible to change my language and therefore my identity?

Changing "I feel...." to "A part of me feels..." changes how I see myself and opens up a wider possibility.

Parts of me
Identification is overly simplistic. It is often Binary. 'I' am either this OR that.
Well, let’s shift that now....Let’s honour the multitude of parts. In the same way your body is made up of multiple parts; two hands, 10 fingers etc, so is your mind. Some body parts are ‘in recovery’ like when you have damaged a finger. Instead of calling it a ‘bad’ finger, let’s re-label it as a ‘recovering’ finger, so it is with your mind, which is comprised of many painful memories, happy memories, concerns, loves, dislikes, curiosities and urges.

​A multitude of living entities inside you and me!

Develop the language in three steps
So I began to experiment. I began thus and you can try this at home.

1. Say ‘I can be…’ instead of I am, throughout your day. This will get you started. Bonus points for when you notice outward projected blame or opinions of others. For example if I say or think “They are so stupid."...  I can add..."I can be so stupid sometimes!"

2. Say 'A part of me is..." and develop more layers.
Once you’ve practiced that for several times I’d like you to switch from saying ‘I’ and instead start saying  ‘A part of me’ or ‘something in me’.
For example; "a part of me feels annoyed.  A part of me thinks they are so stupid. A part of me can be so stupid. Something in me is confused."

3. Declare the healthy, happy parts too!
We are often drawn to noticing problems, like the part of the body that is in pain. We often get drawn into labelling them with a negative thought, like ‘bad’. For the third part of the exercise start to continue to notice other parts, after noticing the problematic parts. For example: "A part of me is annoyed and another part of me is amused. Another part of me is enjoying this exercise. A part of me is wondering how this can be helpful."

Why are we doing this?
‘This is about releasing the singular identification and therefore the singular comparison and holding onto a particular identity. This in turn allows more freedom of choice and more self-acceptance, which feels empowering and loving. It also grows my empathy. The more I realise both how imperfect and how wonderfully diverse I am the more I see that in others.
​
Catch yourself
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to catch yourself labelling yourself or others as a single story. Can you notice that, take a moment, check if it’s OK to start appreciating how ‘parts of me’ can be and then how we are only seeing a small part of them.

Love yourself - all parts
Fancy giving this a go? Go for it, but remember — find pleasure in it as you experiment. Let me know how you get on!
This is also a part of a therapy I am researching called IFS (Internal Family Systems) and it can help us rebuild trust in ourselves. Interested? Contact me! 

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Teaching meditation imperfectly
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5 things I learned from a retreat for fools

5/11/2019

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“I am a beautiful fool, just like everyone else.” 

This is what I learned from the 5 day ‘fools school,’ back in 2017. 

When I was looking at this year’s retreat options I was excited to see that Holly Stoppit, one of my favourite facilitators of inner work, was running a 4 day retreat - THE FOOLS RETREAT - in deepest Dorset, October 2019, I booked it immediately. 

The week running up to it, I thought, “why the hell did I book this? I’m supposed to be going on a retreat to retrain my presence of mind, not run around like an idiot!”  However, I also knew the little vulnerable parts of me were scared to be seen. They often do this - they try and criticise in order to remain hidden. This blog post will give you an insight into my lessons and what happens at this unique retreat.

TLDR
If you’re anything like me you can’t be bothered to read it all, so here are the 5 key learnings:
  1. Fooling is a process of embodying your moods and inner talk, in front of an audience. It is about ‘being’ yourself. Not performing or ‘trying’ to be. This is a subtle art of tuning in, turning up what you find and letting it out, to be seen. 
  2. It helped me to understand the way different parts of me behave and relate to other parts, as well as reminding me to give myself permission to ‘be’ myself. 
  3. I took these lessons and apply them in life, in situations when a strong emotion has been triggered by a present situation, using the following formula: Feel it, Reveal it, Heal it. Or, Tune in, Turn it up, Let it out! 
  4. We can let emotions move through us and learn in the process, by momentarily amplifying our emotions, allowing ourselves to be scared, angry, sad. The best place to do this is in a beautiful natural setting, but if you can’t find that then a car, or bedroom, or with a close friend may be OK - somewhere where it is safe to be outrageous for 5-15 minutes.
  5. We drop the ‘fighting’ and free up energy to move on, once we welcome and express the suppressed part. The reactive parts can also transform into more cooperative thought patterns. This allows us to savour our whole selves and life in general.
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So what was so good? Well here are some of the highlights in a little more detail:

Sitting, sharing and being
A key part of the weekend was arriving each day and meditating. This was followed by sharing what was visiting each of us, some wonderful sharing by Holly from her fabulous books (which she often kissed in admiration) and then she would put on some music and allow us time to just ‘be’ in our bodies, without talking or interacting with each other. I really enjoyed this structure and felt the ‘being’ time loosened me up ready to do some ‘fooling’.

Disidentifying from feeling by how we speak about them
As the Germans  exclaim ‘I have hunger’ we can use this way of speaking to break the identification with our fleeting feelings.  I am (feeling) implies it is who we are. I feel / have / notice (feeling), speaks more accurately of it as a fleeting visitor in our guesthouse. Then we remain mindful and able to handle it. 

Exploring the shadow
The point of the weekend was to play, take risks and explore what Carl Jung refers to as ‘ The shadow’. This is the place where we hide or suppress parts of ourselves, which began in childhood, in order to confirm, to be safe. This can be anything, not just things like ‘anger’ or ‘fear’ but also ‘joy’, ‘pride in oneself’ etc. Until we become aware of the shadow these elements show up destructively. If we become aware, accept and reintegrate elements of our shadow, we can live in a healthier, more functional way. This is a process. The way that Holly facilitates this is by encouraging us to explore what ‘mask’ we are wearing as we stand in front of a loving audience - which I call the’ Fooling Arena’. 

So what is fooling? Expressing the shadow through ‘masks’
In the ‘Fooling Arena’ we find all kinds of social masks coming up - the need to impress, the inner critic, the good one, the rage, the shy one…the list is as deep as your soul.  We express them to the audience, allowing masks to interact. Through this ‘show’ the individual learns how the parts relate and are perceived. I love the process of amplifying the masks, like allowing a tantruming child to vent, before we engage with it, we fully allow and embody the language and emotion of the mask, as a process of acceptance, before we seek change. This often allows it to come and go quite rapidly, but also to be seen fully. We learn what it needs and how it affects us. The audience reflect positive feedback which helps the ‘fool’ to understand the process from other perspectives. 

Acknowledged vulnerability leads to empowerment
Gradually patterns emerge and these realisations can lead to strong, emotional outpourings and then revaluation. Much like the work of Brene Brown points to, I believe the sharing and expression of these vulnerable parts of ourselves is an important part of the process of empowerment. As we are seen, exploring openly, we learn we are OK, even in our darkest places, and we learn how to re-organise our inner parts, so they all serve the same purpose. 

A safe space to be wild and curious
On this retreat we were all daring to explore ourselves, whilst also taking great personal care and treating one another with love and respect. Holly reassured us that we could bring it all out, it is all welcome, and we could therefore interact from these suppressed ‘masks’ whenever we choose to (including during lunch!) We knew this meant that we would be sometimes ‘triggering’ each other. People might feel angry or hurt, and so we were encouraged that if we had a particularly nasty mask that we should redirect that energy towards objects, not other people. The golden rule was: 

​

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“Become curious about what it's like when we are triggered, allow it and express it safely, in order to explore it.”
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Mindfulness and playfulness
Mindful walks and play in nature became a daily occurrence. I love these opportunities to see nature in all its glory. We sometimes slowly walked through the beautiful gardens, picking up leaves, examining anything that sparked our interest. Nature, when enjoyed in this way can be energising and revitalising. We made sculptures and played with presenting them, whilst also noticing how we were relating to others. It is great to reflect on the way ‘I’ am with others. 

Embodying
One of the paired exercises we did to warm up was for one person to embody an object we found out in nature and the other to observe and interact with the ‘object’ by asking open questions like; "How are you? Where are you going? What are you up to?" This was very fun. It takes one away from logic and into creative openness. 

Playtimes! 
We played a lot! In one game, as trios we played ‘Yes, lets that!’ A clowning game of agreeing with whatever playful game is suggested within the group. It’s like being a child again and creates an incredible dynamic between three people and the environment. We played balancing, jumping, leaf arrangement, throwing things, skipping, roleplay of a funeral, amongst others. Our imaginations led the way and we always responded with “Yes, that!” 

Mapping our own masks
We used art materials and paper to map the masks that appeared during fooling and playtime. One of my favourite exercises was to take this map and use it to share how: ‘I can be... ‘
For example:
  • I can be worried what people think
  • I can be like ‘Yay! This is fun!’
  • I can be bored
  • I can be open and curious
  • I can be like ‘holding hands is lush’.
I loved how this is an inclusive way of honouring our multiple facets and complexity. We are never just one thing. We can be many things and that is wonderful.

Fooling feedback
We fooled indoors and outdoors. We always had a loving audience .One of the great things about Holly’s work - all feedback is positive! “What did you like, and how did it make you feel? What touched you? What did you want to see more of?” This helped us reflect on how our performance had showed us things about ourselves.

Learning how masks interact
In one performance the ‘interaction’ was between a sad part of me, longing for love and connection and an ‘advisor part of me,  firing off reassuring quotes and other advice. It was utterly awful and useless. It made me realise that this is how I often deal with my longing for touch and connection - I advise it! 

Rearranging the bus
I decided then to stop that method of managing my longing, and instead I chose to hold it,  encourage it and let it ask others for connection (risky!) The concept Holly presented was that we imagine moving our masks, or inner parts, as if on a bus. You can choose who drives the bus.Create new friendships and break up dysfunctional ones. Don’t sit vulnerability and the critic together. I needed to befriend ‘longing’ and ‘encouraging’ and ‘asking’.  

Honouring our protectors as ‘stars’
We all recognised that these inner parts, although sometimes dysfunctional, were actually our oldest protectors. They were needed as we grew up and the best way to integrate them is to honour them by sending them thanks. So that night we lined up under the starry night sky and shouted as loud as possible, all the things they had created, with a great big THANK YOU. For me this was:
  • Thank you for collecting loads of inspiring quotes!
  • Thank you for reading tonnes of self help books!
  • Thank you for making up tools and mnemonics to remind me of how I can be!
  • …(there were many more).

Savouring the end
On Tuesday it was time to leave, but first we had a whole day of savouring. I loved the concept of savouring endings. It challenged my ‘normal’ approach. I have often cut endings abruptly. I haven’t given much room to grief or sentimentality. Not today though. Today was a day of crying, sharing, food in silence, and creating an orchestra of ‘parts of the weekend we loved. 

My personal lessons
I left the weekend feeling incredibly loving and the top lessons for me included: 
1. Strength isn't cold and critical. Strength is loving and open, and emotional. 
2. My longing doesn't need advice. It requires listening, loving and encouraging. It needs touch. 
3. I can ask for connection. I can show people I want to connect, to touch and to be held. 


Taking lessons into practice
I took the lessons into my connection with my partner and my friends this week. I have been fully acknowledging the moody parts of me and I’ve found this a perfect compliment to my mindfulness practice. I will continue to integrate this into my own work, but for now I’ll keep training with Holly, with the hope of one day teaching close to her level of expertise. 

If you’re interested Holly will be doing a TEDx talk in Bristol on November 17th, 3pm at the Bristol Old Vic. Go along and hear her incredible story. ​

See more of Holly Stoppit at: hollystoppit.com

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How To Meditate - An Example Practice (Body Scan)

25/9/2019

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This morning I was meditating and I realised it is helpful to provide a structure to beginners. Even though I believe, in the long run, there is no right or wrong way and variety is a beautiful part of meditation, I also recognise the need for a simple structure when beginning any activity. 

So here it is, enjoy. 
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How mindfulness can help you to enjoy the journey.

31/7/2019

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They say that life is a journey...
...
but the problem with that metaphor is that journeys are often more about 'getting somewhere' than enjoying the ride.  So with this post I wanted to highlight, just like Alan Watts does, below, how life can be more like an adventure, a road trip, or even a symphony, with a little sprinkling of mindfulness practice. 
How can mindfulness help us?
There are five key ways:

1. We train the brain to pause, and take in what is happening now, this directs our attention. 

2. We learn to savour each experience for what it is, bringing us into appreciation. 

3. We realise that difficult experiences are valuable lessons, and so we focus on the teachings!

4. We relax as we begin to understand that pain is inevitable and useful, but suffering is our choice. We learn how to choose how we use the mind; relaxing our anxiety around pain because we know how to reduce our mental suffering. 

5. We create joy in the process of making goals and plans without getting caught up in them as 'needs' but instead as things we 'would like'. This enables us to enjoy the journey and explore how and why we are doing them, instead of just obsessing about the outcome and worrying about scarcity of time and resources. 
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What stops us enjoying the process?
Well simply put, thinking. More precisely repetitive judgements that create guilt, worry, resentment or regret. We don't know how to change the thoughts so instead we either blame others (or the world) or we blame ourselves. We try and shut off thinking with distraction, using things like food, television, internet etc. This only works short term. 

Mindfulness combined with self enquiry and positive thinking!
We've found that when learning to direct attention using meditation is just the beginning of a journey of self discovery. Negative thinking soon becomes apparent and we let our students know, YOU CANNOT STOP THINKING. Instead you can change the relationship with thinking and re-frame the thoughts, repetitively. We teach simple tools to help you with this and gradually we find more peace with our mental suffering. Each moment in life becomes a lesson when we integrate these mindful approaches. 

More peace becomes more positive action!
A panicked mind makes poor choices. A calm mind makes wiser decisions. We also begin to teach people to make plans, from a place of peace., so we can enjoy the process of making plans and relax our hold on the outcomes. When we are living our values and focusing on learning, the outcomes become less important. The paradoxical thing is, when we hold these attitudes it becomes more likely to get the outcomes we desire!  

Happiness first. 
The trick is to realise that happiness is always available right now, by practising mindfulness, self-enquiry and positive psychology. Once we have found that happiness 'now' the rest of the work is much more simple. Then we can begin to take on the the real challenging adventures of life like: 'creating a meaningful life of love.'

We hope you join us for a course or coaching soon and discover how mindfulness can help you feel great!
We run them at Bristol City Yoga.  
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Has Mindfulness sold out and become McMindfulness?

24/6/2019

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Clarity of vision is the key to achieving your objectives.
- ​Tom Steyer


I want to give my perspective on this piece in the Guardian: How Mindfulness Became the New Capitalist Spirituality by Ronald Purser.  Adapted from his book ‘McMindfulness’ it poses many controversial statements. I’ve extracted some and I'll address each in turn. I read it last night with laughter, worry, shock, anger and awoke this morning with eagerness to set the record straight. 

The main argument in the article is that mindfulness places the onus of responsibility on individuals for their unhappiness and ignores possible societal causes and enables individuals to remain passive. It looks specifically at MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) created by Jon Kabat Zin. That 8 week course has become worldwide as a basic starting point for many peoples exploration into mindfulness. Mark Dunn and I (Neil Morbey) teach Mindfulness and Positivity at Bristol City Yoga. We want to help people explore mindfulness and change the way they think so that they can  create positive action. ​
Mindfulness is... simply a practice of becoming more aware of what we think and feel. This gradually allows us to take action with clarity of choice. One of those actions could be to accept the situation and get on with enjoying your life. Another option is to act with courage to make positive change. Either way it is done with more peace, and that is the point. When we act from this place we are more effective and our bodies are more in tune, therefore more healthy. We are much more likely to take appropriate action to the context with eyes wide open for changing circumstances. Gradually Mindfulness practice brings a deep realisation that inner or outer war and panic simply creates more of the same. It always comes back to internal balance, which can only be achieved by tuning in. I may repeat these points a few times as I respond to the repetition in the journalist's article. 

In response to some excerpts: 

"Mindfulness zealots believe that paying closer attention to the present moment without passing judgment has the revolutionary power to transform the whole world. It’s magical thinking on steroids."
- Yes. If we are to take clear action we must first step out of the story fed to us by society and our past. We must feel, as a step towards gaining perspective. It's taking a step away from magic thinking and even physical or metaphorical steroids and towards ‘reality’, as closely as we can experience it. I am a zealot too, just like the journalist who wrote this and just like you. When we get passionate we act with zeal! Mindfulness practice helps me to acknowledge that fact without reacting from over-eagerness. I find if I act without this awareness I often make situations worse.

"Mindfulness is nothing more than basic concentration training…(it) is a tool of self-discipline, disguised as self-help. Instead of setting practitioners free, it helps them adjust to the very conditions that caused their problems. A truly revolutionary movement would seek to overturn this dysfunctional system, but mindfulness only serves to reinforce its destructive logic."
- Yes! The ability to concentrate and to choose what to concentrate on is a valuable skill that is  being stripped from us by a world of distraction and stimulation. We train to be more self-disciplined in focusing on how we are, what we want and what we can do to create it. If we feel discomfort we feel it fully. This allows us to 'appreciate' it, realise the underlying physical need and then act to change it, or accept it, based on the context. The illogic of irrational fear is what we seek to dissolve; mindfulness therefore empowers people to create positive change, whilst feeling peaceful in the body.

"By failing to address collective suffering, and systemic change that might remove it, they rob mindfulness of its real revolutionary potential, reducing it to something banal that keeps people focused on themselves."
- Yes. I think all mindfulness practitioners, like myself, recommend working alone and then with others, stepping out of individual comfort and into collective sharing. In order to do that one must first gain clarity on what one feels and thinks. This is a part of the process called meditation and self-enquiry. Some parts you can only do by yourself"​
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This diagram shows how mindfulness invites us to move towards peace. That can include action or rest.
"By practising mindfulness, individual freedom is supposedly found within “pure awareness”, undistracted by external corrupting influences. "
- Sadly not - this is part of the fake news myth of mindfulness. Some of the first myths we dispel are childish notions of 'pure awareness' and that we might live in those spaces. Another myth is that meditation should relax us by stopping thought. No way! I love to think! Instead we seek to slow the mind down and look at it with clarity and relate to ourselves with kindness. Through this process I’ve learned to love my thoughts and channel them creatively.

In contrast many modern habits aim to help stop people thinking through distraction and momentary pleasure or even drama. I’m talking about
  • sensationalist news headlines and ‘opinion pieces’ (ahem),
  • formulaic movies,
  • endless internet TV series
  • infinite social media scrolling
  • drugs like tobacco, alcohol and sugar
These all serve to numb feelings and thoughts, temporarily. A ‘fix’. These things are fun in moderation, yet they often get out of balance as they target our internal reward systems and then they distract us from the truth of life and instead send us into addiction and confusion. Moments of ‘pure awareness’ are beautiful and truthful, yet fleeting. They give us glimpses of reality to help us gain perspective and calm. Little reset moments are useful when we get stuck in hatred, bitterness, guilt, fear and worry. With practice we can create more of these and then we can then refocus on positive action.

“...most teachers of mindfulness rule out a curriculum that critically engages with causes of suffering in the structures of power and economic systems of capitalist society”
- Yes. One aim of mindfulness is to focus on one thing at a time. During the practice we don't get drawn into endless analysis, as this is part of inaction. We step back and come back to the senses. There is a time for discussion of socio-political systems, and that is not in a mindfulness class or during a meditation. Afterwards we can look afresh at the topics of today and be inspired to give our truth.

"Mindfulness has been oversold and commodified, reduced to a technique for just about any instrumental purpose. It can give inner-city kids a calming time-out, or hedge-fund traders a mental edge, or reduce the stress of military drone pilots. Void of a moral compass or ethical commitments, unmoored from a vision of the social good, the commodification of mindfulness keeps it anchored in the ethos of the market."
- Yes that's all correct. I believe that when one truly feels inside, ‘ethics’ emerge. Niggling doubts become self evident as we raise awareness. We listen to them and question them. This often leads people to change careers, finally, after years of ignoring niggling doubts and pains in the body. Or activists learn to pause and reconsider what causes they are fighting for and the most effective actions. It is a very wise thing to relax for periods of time and reflect. Not all activism is protest, as Gil Scott Heron pointed out:

You will not be able to plug in, turn on and drop out
You will not be able to lose yourself on skag and skip
Skip out for beer during commercials
Because the revolution will not be televised…

You see I believe the revolution is live. Now. It won’t be on TV. It’s here between you and me. Anything else is a distraction. I believe it is great that we have people offering guidance in exchange for money. Mindfulness is priceless! So what we offer is incredibly valuable. 
"The practice is apolitical, and so the avoidance of moral inquiry and the reluctance to consider a vision of the social good are intertwined. It is simply assumed that ethical behaviour will arise “naturally” from practice and the teacher’s “embodiment” of soft-spoken niceness, or through the happenstance of self-discovery"
- Yes, correct. Being a human mind and body is not political or moral, it is, as its basic form, organic and natural. We teach people to reconnect with that level, as it is often forgotten. This allows a greater clarity. Once we are more aware of ourselves we naturally face the pertinent topics of politics, ethics and society. We learn to be nice, appropriately. We also learn to be firm and put boundaries up, practicing self-care. It's all about balance; ‘giving’ - ‘receiving’, ‘taking time out’- ‘stepping into action’. This is only possible when you develop some inner peace.

"Mindfulness is easily co-opted and reduced to merely “pacifying feelings of anxiety and disquiet at the individual level, rather than seeking to challenge the social, political and economic inequalities that cause such distress. Mindfulness is being sold to executives as a way to de-stress, focus and bounce back from working 80-hour weeks. A truly revolutionary mindfulness would challenge the western sense of entitlement to happiness irrespective of ethical conduct."
- Yes again. We see so many people frustrated and anxious about these issues, yet impotent to act. When the human body lives in this state of frustration it crumbles. We teach techniques of peace and balance. In the long run this allows for greater, more effective action. In the short term it looks very still and calm (almost ignorant). Nothing could be further from the truth. We are empowering people to not react, but to respond.

We so often judge people and their motives. Yet every person is on their own journey and has their own struggles and life choices. I work wjth the staff in corporate groups. I'm hired to help staff well being. People sometimes worry that corporate mindfulness work is just a box ticking exercise or a way to get ‘more productive’. No problem! Because even if that was the intention of upper management the practice of going inside is universal and opens up hearts and minds to new perspectives. Perhaps an inner exploration helps the executive realise they don’t want or need to work so hard. This can be good for business because as people reorient themselves based on inner (intrinsic) wants and needs they become happier and healthier, which in turn means working more efficiently in less hours. Win Win!


Other times the executive might quit. If this happens enough businesses will realise that the systems they have need to change. They need to be more focused on staff well being, or on being more ethical in their practices. A revolution can happen gradually, which is more peaceful, more long lasting and perhaps even faster than a forceful revolution. One of the classic mindfulness reminders is: What we resist persists. When we look and see, the mind is set free.​​
"Rather than being used as a means to awaken individuals and organisations to the unwholesome roots of greed, ill will and delusion, mindfulness is more often refashioned into a banal, therapeutic, self-help technique that can actually reinforce those roots."
- Not quite. We let people decide for themselves what is wholesome, by tuning in, instead of believing journalists who tell people what they should/shouldn't think and do. ;)

"To change the world, we are told to work on ourselves — to change our minds by being more mindful, nonjudgmental, and accepting of circumstances."
- That's right! Great first step, don't you think? If we try and take action from a place of self-confusion guess what? We create more confusion. 

"All the promises of mindfulness resonate with what the University of Chicago cultural theorist Lauren Berlant calls “cruel optimism”, a defining neoliberal characteristic."
- Yes.  it seem cruel to be kind sometimes. Rather than regurgitate the negative stories of society we seek to step away and find our personal truth. Perhaps we may return over-enthusiastic, optimistic and even naive. That can be just as problematic as a pessimistic story of blame (presented by zelous journalists ;). Gradually we find the right balance, through tuning in first, then appreciating now, and experimenting by taking action from the heart, not just the head. We choose to be kind and truthful. As Mo Gawdat says “The truth will set you free but first it’ll piss you off!”

Ultimately I believe the journalist has done a great job of stirring things up and inviting us to reflect. By practicing some mindfulness my hope is that readers keep open yet questioning minds, pausing and reflecting before they respond. Individually and together we can make wise chooses and transform internal emotions into creative action for positive change. I tried to do that here. I hope you enjoyed this.
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How Nature Can Enrich Your Mindfulness Practice

19/6/2019

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One of the most difficult things about keeping up with a mindfulness practice is unplugging from this highly digital and connected world. But being mindful can help you with many aspects of your life. In this post ‘3 Steps to Returning to Your Nature’ it was shared that being mindful allows you to have the clarity and presence of mind to foster joyful engagement, positive action, calm relations, and effective productivity. However, finding the time to actually do some mindfulness meditation sessions can be challenging. But if you tailor your home according to your mindfulness practice, you’re more likely to keep at it. And one of the best ways to do this is through embracing nature.

Nature has calming benefits

If you have a big garden, you can create circular paths that will allow you to do some walking meditation. But if you have a small garden, you can fill it with aromatic herbs instead as the calming scent can help you relax more during your mindfulness practice. RHS Health & Wellbeing Garden Designer Alexandra Noble recommends you plant flowers and herbs like yarrow, fennel, chives, and chamomile in your garden. These plants are great for anxiety and stress and you can even use some to make a relaxing tea.

Nature allows you moments of solitude

There’s nothing quite like being surrounded by plants and the sound of wildlife. Wandering through your garden on your own or sitting in a small enclosed space can give you a sense of peace. There’s a certain calm and serenity that you only get when you’re alone in your garden. However, it is not always possible to be outside.

Ideal Home notes that a garden room or a conservatory can provide a tranquil bolt hole from your everyday life. These allow you to enjoy nature without the need to leave your home or even go outdoors. The conservatories featured on Screwfix show how some designs can reach 3 metres in height, which allows you to have a wide range of tall plants indoors. Your garden room or conservatory should also let in as much light as possible so opt for wide windows and high ceilings. Not only will this help the plants grow, but it will also improve your mood. This will allow you to create your own indoor nature getaway, perfect for rainy days and the colder months.

Nature can help you be more positive

The Guardian explains that growing your own food can be one of the most gratifying things you can experience. You are rewarded with the knowledge that you have provided for yourself, and planting, harvesting, and tilling the soil are great moments to include in your mindfulness practice. The article also notes that the sounds that nature makes, like birds singing, trickling water, rustling leaves, and even the crunch of gravel, can bring out a lot of positive emotions.

Nature grounds you

Psychology Today defines being grounded as the ability to be completely aware and conscious of the present moment. When you’re grounded, you are able to practice a deep sense of mindfulness. This means you very rarely think of “what ifs”. It’s having the sense of being whole and balanced in yourself and your relationships. It’s a deeper connection with your authentic self. Nature helps you achieve this feeling through the tasks you do in your garden and the surrounding environment. Being outdoors or surrounded by plants allows you to experience what’s happening right in front of you, minus the distractions of technology. Perfect for this screen obsessed age.

Colour and space matter

When it comes to designing your mindful garden, choose elements that stimulate the senses. Go for colours like blues purples, and greens. Keep your garden feeling spacious and cool by leaving pathways free of obstructions. Add colours like reds, oranges, and yellows if you want your garden to be warm and welcoming.
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Radical Coaching: Shadowing

25/4/2019

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I met Thomas Katan on a workshop by the infamous Jamie Catto and I was inspired by his proposition. He was choosing to live a nomadic lifestyle so that he could do ‘live-in personal development coaching’ based on gifting and donation. I would give him a bed and food for a few days and we would hang , working together on anything I’d like to work on. 

We agreed three days, Monday to Wednesday. I was excited! Time for some RADICAL COACHING in the form of 'Shadowing'. ​
(All the photos here are by him, as he shadowed me teaching a group.)
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Day One
In preparation Thomas asked me to set an intention and give him my schedule - something I do with my own clients. His main difference was that we would then just hang out and follow the flow of interaction to see what would arise. I would describe Thomas as a coach that has an embodied faith in the wisdom of emotions. Our first interaction revealed that to me. 
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Grumpiness
We met in the park, on a sunny Monday afternoon. We played around and talked with passers by and I realised that Thomas was very open to connections. I noticed the contrast in myself, the desire to get him alone and get ‘working’. So I bought him a smoothie and we found a quiet patch of grass to talk.  I noticed my inner grumpiness and acknowledged it, trying to change the dynamic of things. Thomas invited me to feel into my mood and reveal, what he called, ‘the need underneath’. I realised that I had a strong impulse to move, so I stood up and climbed a tree as he watched me, and then I felt something new - aggression. I told him that I’d love a play fight. He was up for it!

Fighting
So it was that at Two O'Clock on a Monday afternoon in Castle Park two grown men began grappling and throwing each other around, whilst people watched and ate their lunch. It was incredibly cathartic and we sat down, catching our breath, laughing. The emotion had moved through me and left space for us to connect. We made our way back to my place by bicycle. 

Fasting
Our conversations went this way a lot, following emotion and impulse into action - and this was very revealing. We talked about this word 'need' a lot - could we gently exploring soft edges of ‘neediness’ by spending extended amounts of time without food?  We decided to do it together - 3 days of fasting, allowing 1 afternoon meal per day! For me this was unnerving, and fascinating. 


Skill Share
Rather than direct coaching this was more of a two way ‘skill share’. We would learn from one another.  Thomas came with me to my evening meditation class, which I teach. I taught about expressing emotion, through voice ('oming' meditation), sharing (I feel… I imagine…) and movement (shaking and sighing). This was a reflection of things I had learned in the play fight today!
​Then I took Thomas to his first blues dancing class, taught by Tristan Brightman and followed by social dancing to live music (The Blues Happening). This was my community and a skill I had cultivated. At the time I thought  this was out of his his comfort zone but after checking in with him I was surprised to see how comfortable and happy he was in that space. I was pleased to see him get stuck in, and we both had a lot of fun. 
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Day two - Building Trust
here is something about revealing oneself to one and another  that enables trust to develop. We had each shared a part of ourselves with the other and now we were relaxing into being with each other, more naturally. Thomas led me through a morning movement meditation, which I loved. Rocking and stretching as we sat cross legged and observing emotions and thoughts. He then joined me as I taught a group in what I call 'Mindful Positivity' at the local NHS clinic. He was kind enough to take photos of the session. Thanks to Simone Davies for allowing him to come along. 


Lunch Emotions
The afternoon came - we ate veggies flavoured with basil in the sunshine and talked at length. What arose was a belief in me - “I need to do something, I can’t expect things to come to me”. Whilst this may seem rational it also came with an emotion which Thomas picked up. He probed me with questions and I noticed the emotion shutting down. That was no good - I wasted to catch it and build it up to discover what this was about - to ride the wave! I remembered that Thomas had done work with touch and breath so I suggested we switch gears and try those methods. I laid down and he pressed on the area I felt was the centre of the emotion - the chest and forehead. Here the work became more intuitive. I asked him to repeat some words and he encouraged me to see myself as ‘land’ and the emotion as ‘crashing waves of sea’. I cannot be harmed by them, and I can even build them up to an intense amount, as I observe from the land. This resonated and I was able to build and explore the emotion with safety. I explored bodily shaking, crying, memories and it revealed that fear was lying underneath the 'need to get things done’. The instinctive desire underneath all the thoughts and emotions was for friendship. 

Cathartic Calmness
Something had moved through me and settled down to leave a beautiful oceanic depth. I asked Thomas “what’s the point of all this?” as I couldn’t cognitively grasp the process. He simply said “to connect you to yourself so you can feel good and realise the real inner need”.  He was right - all this work is about feeling good, and connecting to myself - the scared, vulnerable and ultimately beautiful inner me. The me which simply wanted friendship. That emotional work was tiring and after a nap I finished the day by teaching with Mark Dunn at Bristol City Yoga.  During these sessions I sometimes get nervous and lose my calm presence, however, today I was able to calmly listen and take in the emotions of others and even had the presence to see my own fears and impulses, without ‘needing’ to react. Mark lead with lots of words and enquiry of the students, and I listened. He had to leave early and I held the last 30 minutes. I was able to shift the energy of the room with movement and then gentleness and I think this had an enormous effect on everyone. I felt great about it. ​
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Day three - MORNING routine
Another sunny day and another movement meditation, before Thomas went off to teach his own yoga practice. I channelled my inspiration into my morning routine (MORNINGS - Meditation, Outlook, Reach out, Nourish, Inspire, Nature, Gym, Stretch). I spent a good hour of ‘inspiration’ writing my book (work in progress) and when he returned we continued my morning routine - Nature (we went for a run and slack line practice in the park) and then Gym. I showed him my HIIT practice, which I do regularly. He particularly enjoyed the rice bucket challenge.

Rounding up
We spent the afternoon talking and eating, ending the three day food fasting. I helped him learn the guitar. We shared a lot of information and we explored the work again, in review of the past few days. We came to these conclusions:
  • Western culture is overbalanced in prioritising ‘mental’ intelligence. To me the brain is a fantastic organ at looking for an solving problems. Perhaps there are also other, more beautiful ways to meet our instinctive desires and find a balance of productivity, purpose and peace. Thomas believes that there are 5 main intelligences (mind, breath, emotions, belly, and body) who communicate in their respective languages with us. I prefer to simplify it down to perhaps 4 main intelligences that can be part of this process:
    • S: Sensations (bodily nervous system)
    • I: Impulses (movement of muscles toward or away)
    • T: Thoughts (analytical mind)
    • E: Emotions (heart, breath and gut movements)
I created a mnemonic to remember that the way to access them is to find the SITE of them in the here and now, rather than the getting caught up in the TIES of thought based ‘need’.
  • We created a ‘water company’ analogy: A CEO in a high office reads that some customers are receiving empty water containers. She panics and hires an expensive team of critical analysts to expend a lot of time, energy and money in developing an elaborate alarm system to solve the problem. However, down in the factory the workers get annoyed by the alarm and demand the CEO to come down to the factory floor. When she finally does she observes them voicing emotion, and clearly pointing at the window! Confused, but recognising their obvious urge she permits them to take action and watches their relief as they unlock the window and cool air rushes in to blows over any empty containers. The workers breathe a sigh of relief. Alarms stop and the factory runs smoothly again.  

    This more elegant and efficient solution was found only when the CEO (consciousness) had tried the analytical ways (thought), and listened to the emotions of the workers in the factory (body) to experience the reality (sensations) and allow simple, clear action (impulses) to be followed, even if it was not cognitively understood (thoughts). This led to expression of an instinctual desire, which was trying to reveal a way using wind (breath) to heal the system with ease (emotional release).
  • Thomas called this “Being in the environment of the emotion” where feedback is felt, where impulses are clear. Often we try and over-think solutions, when we could instead observe the body, follow impulses and get fresh air (breath) to release problems and soothe emotions.
  • This led me into a simple realisation of the system: Feel, Revel, Heal:
    • Feel: bring awareness to the body and acknowledge feelings in their locations
    • Reveal: explore the SITE of feelings and reveal the instinctual desire underneath
    • Heal: follow the impulse to allow bodily healing to occur. This might include:
      • Sensations: Observing and allowing them to guide you back to your senses, and to the environment of instinct
      • Impulses: Observing and creating a safe space to take physical action to allow them to heal the body.
      • Thoughts: Witness memories and dispel negative thoughts to prevent over-thinking, leading to simple and truthful self-expression.
      • Emotions: Reconnect to the truth and beauty of your instinctual desires to release emotions and find peace.
  • In practical terms these ‘healing’ solutions could include a variety of means, as you saw in my examples from the week (fighting, climbing, talking, questioning, breathwork, touch practice, affirmation and friendship). There is no single solution, which is often the way we ‘think’ about things. The 21st C conditioned brain tries to intellectualise everything and make life overly complex, or instead find quick fixes, urgent for relief, without appreciating the true nature of the issue. Instead we can choose to observe the context of the present moment, get in touch with instincts and trust in the body and breath to show us elegant solutions, when the intelligence of the mind does not work.
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At the end of day three
We chatted and Thomas shared his photos, and I felt close to this person who was but a stranger three days ago. I relayed how,the fasting process had been a microcosm of the ‘feel, reveal, heal’ method. Throughout the week  I had found hunger arising and I would not react, as I have done in the past, with filling up. Instead I observed it and felt into the deeper drive, realising it was often an impulse to move, or to dispel a story and come back to my senses. I now know that the hunger waves don’t last long and I’ve discovered more energy when I channel my focus into revealing and healing the underlying drive and emotion. This is just another example of the insight revealed by working in a different way with an interesting person, like Thomas.  

I feel grateful to have experienced Thomas directly. I intend to continue to develop and research the new modes of exploring that he has inspired in me. Overall the biggest takeaway of the week was friendship, which it seems was the underlying desire all along. :)

Check out Thomas here: 

Thomaskatan.com
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Timed Talk & Listen - a tool to practice in relationship.

22/3/2019

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Do you ever get stuck or end up arguing because of miscommunication in your relationships? 

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This is a tool I created to use when talking between two people becomes incredibly difficult and you’d like to reconnect, constructively. I hope you enjoy it and please let me know if you have feedback. 

The problem: is that both people get so frustrated that they interrupt and don’t really listen. This leads to resentment and frustration.

The method: Schedule 30 minutes to connect without interruption in a comfortable space. You’ll need a timer and you might need writing material each. Begin in silent contemplation of our intentions (which may be written down as an aid). We then take ‘timed’ turns - one person speaks and the other listens. The listener’s first words before changing roles should be ‘ thank you’ to show respect for honest sharing. We repeat this for 3 rounds, with a shorter final round.
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  1. SETUP: Make sure everyone is comfortable. Tea/water is onhand. Ensure you are in a distraction free zone for the next 30 minutes. If you need to do anything else within that time attend to it first. Place the timer between you. Ensure you both have a comfortable distance.
  2. INTENTION: Set the timer for 3 minutes and then sit in silence with your eyes closed and ponder the question: What ‘state’ would you love to create within the relationship? Writing it down may help you later. Eg. Connection, understanding, calm, clarity, friendliness etc.
  3. DECIDE WHO STARTS: Flip a coin and the winner goes first as ‘speaker’. The speaker always starts the timer.
  4. SHARE INTENTION: 30 seconds each: Speaker will share intention as the other listens, then change roles. The second speaker can say exactly the same if they wish, but try to remain focus on starting your own intention and not just responding to the other.
  5. ROUND 1: 5 Minutes each:  Speaker is free to talk and look where they want and to spend time in silence. Listener tries to maintain eye contact and practice whole-body-listening, not filling any silence. No suggestions, or advice. At the end of 5 minutes the listener says ‘THANK YOU’, then you swap. The second speaker is free to respond to points raised or talk about their own ideas. It is always up to you what you say.
  6. ROUND 2:  5 minutes each: Remembering your intention, and to say ‘thank you’.
  7. ROUND 3: 3 minutes each: Remembering your intention, and to say ‘thank you’.
  8. ENDING: You may wish to hug or continue talking, sum up or simply finish.​
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REMEMBER: Emotions are welcome!
A useful ending can be to sum up:
  1. What you now realise and understand (that the other person was saying). “I’m realising you thought…”
  2. What you appreciate (about yourself and the other). “I’m appreciating that you took the time to…”
  3. What you want (sharing a plan or requesting something). “I’d like… would you be willing to…?”

This tool is related to the I FIND I’m RAW tool for self expression. You may wish to consider using this format if you get stuck in talking. However, if at any point there is silence the listener must not interrupt or prompt the speaker. LET THERE BE SILENCE, It is vital for respect processing. 

VULNERABLE!
Having a real conversation with actual listening takes courage and feels vulnerable. Remember to practice healthy self care by finding your own balance of boundaries and empathy. In the end you will know if it is worth it, because experiencing this kind of honesty and intimacy can feel incredible and reconnect people through seemingly impossible arguments. Good luck, keep breathing and listen to yourself too. x 
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Bonus: Celeste Headless tips:
Keep your mouth shut frequently. Instead of talking endlessly:
  1. Listen. If you're mouth is open your not learning. No one ever 'listened' themselves out of the job. Listen to yourself too! Breathe.
  2. Be as brief as possible and try not to repeat yourself - it's boring and condescending. Remember that you don’t have to say everything, right away, or even in this conversation. There will be more opportunities to speak. .
  3. Trust they care about you so stay out of the minutiae of detailed data to prove a point.
  4. Remember that people need time to process before changing their mind. Sometimes they need to sleep on it.
Keep an open mind and be prepared to be surprised. Instead of assuming you know:
  1. Don't multitask, stay present, allowing thoughts to come & go by bringing your attention back to the breath as you listen.
  2. If you don't know, say that you don't know.
  3. Use open-ended questions.
  4. Recognize their experience as unique Don't equate your experience with theirs. and let go of the opportunity to brag.
  5. Speak without blame, if possible, using ‘I feel’ and ‘I imagine’. Don't pontificate and moralize. If you want to state your opinion (without another arguing back) write a blog.
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5 Things SOME People Regret On Their Deathbed

6/3/2019

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Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who has counselled people in their last year of life has revealed the most common regrets we have towards the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is "I wish I hadn't worked so hard."  Bronnie recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which became a book called "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying." In it she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."  Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Bronnie:

1. "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

This was the most common regret! People realised late on that their life is almost over and with that perspective could see the dreams they gave up on. They realised they had a choice, but kept telling themselves they didn't. The choice wasn't easy, so they pretended there wasn't one and made no choice, which let to hiding. They weren't able to find peace and clarity amidst the noise of external and internal expectations. 

In old age they saw how lucky they were to have a healthy body, which brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

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2. "I wish I hadn't worked so long and hard, sacrificing what I loved."

This came from every male patient. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Females from an older generation felt this too. People realised late on that they could have enjoyed work more and found more balance by prioritising their values 
This is particularly relevant now as we work behind screens and become sluggish in our bodies. This is why I created the DO-BE-DOTS system.

3. "I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings."

Fear, shame and guilt led people to suppress their feelings in order to be functional and keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and felt they missed out on the joy of real feelings and connection. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried. They realised too late the stories of the mind kept them trapped in suppression. They worried if they felt their feelings everything would be unbearable and fall apart. They realised in old age that the stories weren't true, and we all fall apart in the end anyway, so may as well feel the ride! 

4. "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."

The full benefits of old friends were not seen until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over time. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying and the realise how easy it would have been to maintain a friendship, and to bring their honest selves towards others for real friendship, instead of superficial connections.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier."

Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice that each individual has the responsibility to make. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits, giverned by the stories they entertained in the mind. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity stifled them. Fear of change had led them pretence both inward and outwardly. "I'm fine" they would say, whilst inside they longed to laugh properly and have silliness and joy in their life again."
Some questions:
  • What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?
  • What's stopping you? (The cost of action)
  • What's the cost of INACTION?
  • What's the cost of inaction in 1 year and then 5 years?
These questions are from Tim Ferris' FEAR SETTING exercise, which I made into a tool called WORST/BEST. Which asks us to check out the scenarios and clear up the BS stories of the mind that hold us back. Give it a go and let me know your feedback! 
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Mindfulness at work: more ways to create balance, focus and clarity.

25/1/2019

2 Comments

 
I was recently asked to interview for a company (Adlib) blog based on "work and life balance". Here it is:

ADLIB: Let’s start with ‘Why’, how do you think can mindfulness help with workplace stress?
Neil Morbey: 

People work most effectively when they have good focus, which requires a clear mind, so one can move the attention effectively from one task to the next, and with an overview of the whole purpose. This requires a balance of attention.
21st Century education and society has filled our waking moments with busy-ness of pinging smartphones, marketing, unreasonable expectations and endless information. The modern worker is lost in a world of confusion and therefore mentally creates stress - a mind full of ‘stuff’, instead of clarity, focus and balance. Anxiety, burn out and apathy are the inevitable result and businesses foot the bill for recovery.
Mindfulness is both preventative medicine and helps people to ‘hit reset’ when they’ve gotten themselves into a hole; to pause and reflect, connecting with what is simply beautiful - the experience of being here and now. This is the beginning of awareness, acknowledgement and appreciation, which allows us to refocus, as a clear and balanced choice.  
The how is simple - make space for learning, practice and for integration of ‘moments’ within the fabric of the way we work and interact. Mindful communication quickly follows mindful self-awareness. Inspiration keeps it moving

​
ADLIB: Can you share 3 pieces of wisdom or mindful exercises that one could introduce into their daily routine as an employee or as a manager?
Neil Morbey: Yes.
  1. Schedule a meeting with yourself. Let that be time to reflect, and set an intention on how you’d like to do that. Do this every day.
  2. Put pressure on management to create a darkened, comfortable and quiet room, with space to lie down, if possible. Or allowance for quiet time. Afternoon naps or mediation have been demonstrated to aid productivity. At the same time ask them to get CPDs from inspiring practitioners. Whatever interests staff - yoga, meditation, singing - whatever inspires and gives people space to ‘be’.
  3. Go outside every day, without your phone, and breathe in the fresh air deeply. Smokers have the advantage of this habit, but with the addition of toxic death-sticks. Just relabel them ‘fresh air’ breaks, instead of fag breaks. Better still go for a walk and notice the trees, the sky and something beautiful and stay with it a few seconds longer than feels ‘normal’.
I wrote a blog with a few more suggestions here: http://www.positively-mindful.com/blog/3-ways-you-can-help-your-workplace-become-more-mindful


ADLIB: In your opinion, how can mindfulness improve the way that people work?
Neil Morbey:
It allows us to move our attention from one thing to another with more ease, and therefore let go of resentment and speak more assertively and compassionately. At the end of the day it allows us to shift modes and leave work at the office so we can balance our lives and manage our ‘human’ priorities. This will help us feel that work is not a chore, but a nourishing activity that is integrated with our lives. People who feel in control of our lives worry less and are more productive, with less passive aggression. It also opens us up to creative possibility. We become more positive in our outlook, which drives innovation and inspiration.
ADLIB: How can mindfulness be reinforced consistently in the workplace and be made a priority?
Neil Morbey:  
The leaders must first recognise the importance of mental health in their duty of care. However mindfulness cannot be forced on employees, it must be inspired. So I think the best way is to involve people in that question and to bring in people that can inspire. Regular refreshment of inspiration is key to keeping the practices fresh and ‘reminding us of why, and with new styles of ‘how’. No one wants to repeat the same stuff every single day.  Ultimately every individual is responsible for themselves, but it usually takes a few to lead the way and create momentum.

If that’s you, reading this, I suggest practising what Gandhi preached: Be the change you want to see in the world. Be vocal about it and enjoy it. When others hear and see you you’ll be giving them permission to do it too, because you show it’s possible, fun and the risk is worth it. Encourage them and get the ball rolling. Leaders inspire the people around them. Be the change.


About Neil Morbey: Neil specialises in helping people become emotionally resilient and work with schools, businesses and individuals to facilitate people to find their sense of happiness, confidence and connection.

More information via the positive-mindful (LINK http://www.positively-mindful.com/) website.

Adlib: Creating teams. Shaping futures.  https://www.adlib-recruitment.co.uk/blog/ ​
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Everything you need to know about meditation posture and structure.

19/12/2018

4 Comments

 
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​​MEDITATION POSTURE
There is a lot of bollocks on the internet about posture, featuring attractive young men and women sitting on rocks overlooking water, or on steps (!?) as if they've been sat there for hours contemplating wise enlightened attention. Utter marketing drivel. Please don't buy it or anything you read here that make you think you're not good enough. 

The aim of this blog is to dispel that claptrap and keep it simple, concise and useful. 

HOW SHOULD I SIT IN MEDIATION?
Firstly let's get it clear - meditation is a practice of mindfulness (paying attention to the present moment without judgement). Therefore there is no 'right' as that is a judgement. The aim is to sit in a way that is comfortable for your body, and which also represents the attitude you want to carry inside as you meditate. What you 'want' not what you 'need' to do. 
This chosen attitude will dictate your posture. Interestingly there are theories that the external attitude is related to an internal attitude. One is affected by the other. That means your current posture is a reflection of your internal state AND you can affect your internal state by changing your posture. My experience is that by choosing a posture to reflect an attitude that I deeply enjoy  I have created that inside and out as an automatic pattern. :)
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INTENTION + ATTITUDE + VISUALISATION + BODILY FEEDBACK = POSTURE. 
 
Intention: Why are you here? What are you hoping to feel, have or do within this meditation? You don't have to think about this every time, but for the first few it's worth considering. Generally my intention is to love myself, to be diligently focused and peaceful & loving towards what I find.
​
Attitude: What attitude would I like to bring to create that intention? Again, I'll get into the swing of this and barely think about it most day, but I'll often remind myself: I'm going to choose an attitude of 'self respect' and 'alertness'. Attitude and intention are nearly the same thing, but attitude is more of a feeling and way of 'being', whereas intention is more a 'doing'. 

Visualisation: What image could help create the attitude? I like to use either, the image of wearing a cape, like superman, and tying it on creates a shoulder roll. Or the image of a string at the crown of my head getting lightly pulled up so that my spine hangs naturally. Another is to imagine a cushion of air between each vertebrae and then as you breathe in deep it inflates and as you breathe our some air is released, leaving the spine well adjusted and stacked. You can hold the visual image for 10-30 seconds to make it stick. You don't have to physically change anything, the body will do the work for you. 

Bodily Feedback: What would this look like in posture? Let's give it a go and find out as we tune into the body. I start by choosing to kneel, with a straight back, relaxed face, slightly dipped chin. I then realise my shoulders are hunched and chest is collapsed so I correct this with a rib cage lift (engage the core muscles!) and roll my shoulders behind my back. 
​
Posture: Many people like to sit cross-legged. I usually like to use a stool and kneel. I can change my posture in small ways (or completely) as I meditate. Moving doesn't mean I've failed. I've gradually learned when to tune in to discomfort, to watch and wait. Now I rarely move, but that is a natural product of years of experimentation. I've been meditating a long time and I'm used to this posture. Sometimes I try a different posture once in a while to shake things up. These could include:

1.Sukhasana (Easy Pose)
Basically legs crossed sitting with feet under the knees. Some all it Burmese. 

2. The Lotus positions (seductive name!)
Quarter is basically legs crossed with feet on the calves. Half lotus would be one leg on top of the other thigh and one leg extended (awkward!) and full lotus is both feet resting on top of the opposite thighs. Pali term: Padmasana.
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Tips: Structure of checks for an aligned posture

1. Allow the floor to support your weight with lots of contact

2. Allow a natural tilt of the hips and curve of the lower back

3., Use the internal muscles to raise the rib-cage and then relax it, especially the belly

4. Ease the shoulder blades back together and then relax slightly 

5. Align to centre yourself forward/back and left/right

6. Imagine a pull up from the crown of the head and thus allow the chin to naturally dip a few millimetres. 

7. Keep the alignment and allow all other unnecessary tension to soften away.

** IN ALL POSTURES TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY AND NOTICE PAIN. ADJUST AS NECESSARY

​3. Kneeling / Stool (Seiza in Japanese Zen)
Kneel on  cushion between your legs, or use a kneeling stool. I make these and sell them for £20. Let me know if you want one. They have cool hinges. The stools have a tilt to encourage the hips to tilt, so there is a natural bend in the lower back and the spine is stacked comfortably. Geisha used to sit for hours like this, without a stool or cushion! I don't recommend it for your knees. 

4. Chair
If you use a chair I recommend putting the feet flat, or if the chair is too low for that, cross them. If the chair is too high find a book or cushion to support the feet. Sit right back, but don't lean back into the back rest. Come off it. You can always use if if you get tired. A little cushion under your butt can help, and even a rolled up towel to support the lower back. 

5. Lying Down
You can lie on back or front, but try and use a posture that doesn't promote sleep, unless you want that. The hands can help with this by placing one on the chest and one on the belly, or both on the ground, palms up. Support the head and neck if you experience pain. 

Summary
These are the overall postures, but remember the attitude is more important than the specifics. Do what feels 'right' (with the context I describe above) for you.

In all of these postures the hands can relax as you wish. Some prefer palms open or fingers together as that has mental associations to energy moving or to openness. Ok, if that works for you do it. 

That is the general rule. So if you find lots of pain,  give it a little time, breathe with it and see if it shifts. Only you know the difference between a little pain of muscles stretching and adapting vs damage occurring. Listen closely and adjust as necessary. 



So what do I do in a meditation?
It's really simple, but it's not easy. The point it to BE WITH YOURSELF in non judgement and non reaction. That means sit relatively still and allow yourself to NOTICE, OBSERVE and WELCOME things (NOW). Be in the now. If your thoughts come, acknowledge them, thank the  mind and bring your focus back to here and now. This could be:
  • ​Sensations in your body - like the tingling of your lips or the pulse of the heart
  • Feelings and emotions - notice how they move and track them
  • Pain and pleasure - try and move between them and explore them both as OK
  • Urges - surf the urge, notice how long it lasts and compassionately challenge yourself to sit with it for another two breaths. 
We are gradually becoming more aware, more sensitive. Moving away from reaction and towards responsiveness by observing what is happening. You may choose to observe the breath in your belly for 20 minutes and that's it. You may choose to scan the body. Here is my go to plan:
  1. Set a timer! So helpful it can be 5 mins or one hour... I like 15 mins. BONG! 
  2. Stretch and move first
  3. Find a posture that is healthy and sit relatively still
  4. Breathe deeply in the belly and out through the mouth. Focus on long, slow outbreaths to regulate the nervous system. Then breathe naturally, through the nose. 
  5. Observe the sounds and then the sight behind the eyes, then listen for the silence behind the sounds.
  6. Relax and come into the body. Concentrate on the belly breathing for a while. Perhaps use a mantra. 
  7. Perhaps scan the body, perhaps not. Either way thank the mind if you notice thinking. Label the thoughts and keep returning
  8. BONG! Once the timer goes give yourself time to meet the physical needs of the body. Get up and do something now. 
Mantra?
A mantra is a repeated phrase used to concentrate the mind. Some people love to chant or think in meditation. I love an internal mantra and sometimes use it. Here are a few nice ones:
  • Innnnn.... Ouuuuut.... (follow breath)
  • It's OK  I'm OK.
  • Here, This
  • All is welcome
  • You are enough, You are loved
  • May I have peace, May I have health, May I have success, May I have love
  • Yes, Thank You
As you can see you can make up whatever you want. In TM (Transcendental Meditation) they made a whole industry from this - charging people thousands to learn a made up (secret and magical) mantra. They believe its helpful to not have words, but more like 'sounds' - an idea of a sound. Oooooommmm.... Raaaiiiiii........ for example. Try it. 
The key thing to remember:  Compassionate Curiosity
With meditation posture and stillness are HELPFUL but the key thing is to practice COMPASSIONATE CURIOSTY. Meet whatever you find with this attitude and you'll begin to train the mind to do this all the time. Your body will relax and cooperate. It take time and repetition, as with any skill, but more than that is takes the quality of compassionate  curiosity. 

If you nee to move, adjust or do something in meditation take a moment and get curious first, then, if you wish, do it, and enjoy it - do it fully and deliberately. Notice how it is. Then, choose to come back to stillness and introspection. It is a wonderful journey and if you are just beginning I am envious! So many riches to open up to and discover. You'll grow in sensitivity and awareness as well as love for yourself and the world. Of course, you'll probably first discover IT GETS HARDER BEFORE IT GET'S EASIER. Because we become more aware of patterns of shame, guilt, anger and fear.... jucy! If you need help let me know.

​Good luck and enjoy  the ride x
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Notice the postures indicate internal states. What would you like to feel inside?
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    Neil Morbey is a meditation teacher, group facilitator and inspiration guide for Positively-Mindful.com

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    24. 5 things I learned from a retreat for fools 5/11/2019
    25. How To Meditate - An Example Practice (Body Scan) 25/9/2019
    26. How mindfulness can help you to enjoy the journey. 31/7/2019
    27. Has Mindfulness sold out and become McMindfulness? 24/6/2019
    28. How Nature Can Enrich Your Mindfulness Practice 19/6/2019
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    30. Timed Talk & Listen - a tool to practice in relationship. 22/3/2019
    31. 5 Things SOME People Regret On Their Deathbed 6/3/2019
    32. Mindfulness at work: more ways to create balance, focus and clarity. 25/1/2019
    33. Everything you need to know about meditation posture and structure. 19/12/2018
    34. Mindfulness Coaching - is it for you? 23/10/2018
    35. Happiness: How Do We Find The Balance? 19/9/2018
    36. The Work of Ghostbusting: Meet the mind with kind inquiry 25/1/2018
    37. Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
    38. Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
    39. Removing Drama Is As Easy As A-B-C! (Part 2 - Spot the signals, name the role.)  24/10/2017
    40. Using Mindfulness to Sleep Better 7/9/2017
    41. 3 Ways you can help your workplace become more mindful. 16/8/2017
    42. Top 5 things the children loved about Mindfulness classes 9/12/2019
    43. What I learned from my week of being perfectly imperfect, ME 27/11/2019
    44. 5 things I learned from a retreat for fools 5/11/2019
    45. How To Meditate - An Example Practice (Body Scan) 25/9/2019
    46. How mindfulness can help you to enjoy the journey. 31/7/2019
    47. Has Mindfulness sold out and become McMindfulness? 24/6/2019
    48. How Nature Can Enrich Your Mindfulness Practice 19/6/2019
    49. Radical Coaching: Shadowing 25/4/2019
    50. Timed Talk & Listen - a tool to practice in relationship. 22/3/2019
    51. 5 Things SOME People Regret On Their Deathbed 6/3/2019
    52. Mindfulness at work: more ways to create balance, focus and clarity. 25/1/2019
    53. Everything you need to know about meditation posture and structure. 19/12/2018
    54. Mindfulness Coaching - is it for you? 23/10/2018
    55. Happiness: How Do We Find The Balance? 19/9/2018
    56. The Work of Ghostbusting: Meet the mind with kind inquiry 25/1/2018
    57. Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
    58. Youth Mindfulness: Why is teaching mindfulness in schools so helpful? 12/11/2017
    59. Removing Drama Is As Easy As A-B-C! (Part 2 - Spot the signals, name the role.)  24/10/2017
    60. Using Mindfulness to Sleep Better 7/9/2017
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    97. ​​My Vipassana Retreat Experience 9/7/2015

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