This blog is my perspective on why we repeat patterns, get attracted to people who trigger us, and why nothing is wrong - this is all good stuff, if we choose to play with it. 

Reactions Rule
We are emotional creatures (more than logical). Most of our 'reactions' are caused by hidden emotional wounds, obscured by defense mechanisms . Until we can see them and trace them to their origin we will react cluelessly to them. People in therapy are going through a process of recognising, accepting and working with these internal wounds and reactions. 

Michael Singer calls these wounds, the inner thorns. I tend to agree. 

The clues that you are reacting to an inner wound are 'disturbance':

• When you react without clear, conscious choice (lost in the FOG of Fear, Obligation or Guilt)
• When you feel pressure to act immediately  and clumsily
• When you believe things are not ok, something is wrong
• When you criticise harshly others or yourself
• When you feel a need to advise, fix or rescue others
• When you feel powerless and lost

These things point us to an unconscious pattern of defence and avoidance.  It is not the situation, it is your inner thorn - your wound - that makes you react with emotion.  It is very hard to interrupt this reaction without the awareness, but even when you do have awareness it is hard.

I have found the best way I can change my patterns is to prepare to remember. If I do some prep work then I can spot  the wounded reactions and more easily interrupt them. Prep involves facing our fears. 

What is the underlying need or fear?
Fear and need are two sides of the same coin. So working together and switching between fear and need the two questions you could ask repeatedly are:

• 'What is the need beneath that?'
• 'Then what is the fear of  what might happen?'

Here's an interview between a Client (C) and Questioner (Q):
C: "I need to get this job and I'm feeling anxious all the time"
Q: 'What is the need beneath that?'
C: "I need money and a career that I like!"
Q: 'What is the need beneath that?'
C: "I guess security. And maybe satisfaction?... No... Purpose!"
Q: 'What is the need beneath that?'
C: "I don't know!"
Q: 'Then what is the fear of might happen?'
C: "What if I don't get it? I'll be penniless, broke... my girlfriend might leave me."
Q: 'Then what is the fear of might happen?'
C: "It'd be awful. I'd feel like such a loser - alone and lost"
Q: 'Then what is the fear of might happen?'
C: "I don't know... I guess I could become depressed, go mad and lose the will to live!"
Q: 'What is the need beneath that?'
C: "I guess I'm needing connection and the knowledge that I'm OK"
Q: 'So what you're really needing is a sense of connection and acceptance"
C: "Yes. I want a job for those reasons. I guess it's not really about the job after all..."

Deep Diving Reveals Insights
If we keep diving into this 'fear and need' we will get closer to the wounding within. However the nervous system does not always think in verbal language or even in images. Some stuff is pre-verbal and not remembered, so much be explored through the emotional system itself.  You have to 'feel to heal'. 

The Role of Mindfulness
Meditation and mindfulness invite us to see beyond our thoughts and stories, our words and imaginations, to look into the void within, to feel the sensations and emotions of the body and to hold them in loving awareness, so that we may find and heal wounds and change patterns of behaviour. To cultivate loving responses rather than fearful reactions.

The Nervous System Wants a Disconfirming Experience 
Until we do realise our reactions we will continue to unconsciously create that which we fear the most. I believe this is our nervous system's way of recreating the original wound, as a way of finding a healing experience, or a 'disconfirming' experience. 

For example: A client of mine was afraid of getting close to men, because of a difficult early experience in her life. When she experienced a man who she wanted to be close to, and she engaged with him with openness and some coaching, they found a surprise. With open communication and boundary skills the man was loving, kind and safe. This 'disconfirming experience' helped her to relax and enjoy his company.  She was drawn to men like this and, unlike in her youth, the person was not mean. It meant she could relax, knowing 'it isn't always true' that men are nasty. That meant she could let herself get closer to men.  She could do this in a safe, balanced way.

Gradual Exposure Reduces Fear
The original difficult experience, and many others, confirmed the fear was legitimate. The only way to change that is to expose ourselves, vulnerably, to something similar, and have a different outcome - one that changes the way the mind and body perceive the reality. To see that positive outcomes are possible and then we can relax and stop reacting through fear. 

Be Process Oriented 
Life  is a process. We can be a slave to it or we can be an active participant and use the process to help us heal, grow and learn. Coaching, therapy and training mindfulness is simply a way of getting into that process more consciously, so we can move it forward. It will be painful, it will be difficult (at times) but nothing is wrong. This is OK. This is exactly where you need to be. ​

Create Safer Exposure For Yourself, Now. 
If you'd like to begin this process, in a safe fun way, come and chat with me and do an introduction Coaching session or a course with one of my Groups or In your Workplace. You can contact me below.

Go sit in stillness for 3 minutes.
Tune into your bodily sensations as you take five deep in-breaths, through the nose, into a soft belly, letting out five long and smooth out breaths through an open mouth, allowing a sound (like the ocean). Close your eyes. 

Notice how it all feels. 
Yes your mind will be buzzing still, and that's ok. Keep breathing and refocusing on sensations, relaxing your face and smiling a little, if you like. Count your breath for the remainder of the time as you feel the body. 1 (in), 2 (out)... Restart after 10  counts. (5 breaths total). 

Relaxation Response - Tuning in.
This is what I call 'Relaxation Response'. It settles your nervous system and helps you connect to what is real. Notice how it is at least 10% more peaceful and you even feel more alive? Well, now let's mess that up...

Next, pick up the smartphone
Load up YouTube, or FaceBook or Instagram etc. Stare at it as you monitor you breathing, sensations and feelings in your face. Notice how your eyes dart around and thoughts in your mind get faster and faster.

Close your eyes.  Notice the difference. 
Stay with it and notice the urges inside, the craving for more stimulation. It is like fuel for the fire. Dompanie has been activated. The mind has received tiny rewards and it naturally craves more. 

Restart, for one minute. 
Now try the 'Relaxation Response' one more time. Just a minute this time. Notice the difference. ​ The more you practice the less time it takes to reset and reconnect. 

Try it yourself
This experiment has shown me just how I feed my own addiction and destroy my own ability to focus. The constant craving for immediate stimulation detracts from my ability to deep focus on creative endeavours. 

Time to focus
So now I put on some repetitive music, set a timer and get to work. I love the feeling of deep focus, when I feel the difference. I hope you do to.

If you'd like to practice or learn techniques like this please come onto the course I'm running soon: "Mindfulness and Emotions" beginning on October 1st. Book Here.

​I want to act with wisdom, to build a strength of character that focuses my energy and attention on what is truly important, and not get caught up in the petty dramas and confusions of my mind. 

ROUTINE OR CHECKLIST
The way that I have found to do this is to have a morning routine, or at least a checklist that has within it some of the key components to help me step back from petty thoughts and to infuse my whole body with my deeply considered values before I launch into the action of the day. These components are:

• Meditation: A moment of stillness, with attention fully present. 
• Opening up: Time for writing thoughts, stepping back and finding clarity of mind.
• Roll out: The Yoga Mat for movement meditation and stretching in preparation for
• Nature: Outside for a walk, run, climb in sun or rain. Movement connects me to my nature.
• Inspiration: A tiny space of time to dance, read, write, play or listen to something inspiring.
• Nutrition: I sit and eat with presence, or socialising with friends. Phone time allowed.
• Get ready: If I haven't already I will make a list and plan for the day. 
• Start: I launch into my day.

NOT TOO RIGID
Within this I have found that I cannot always do all of them, or dedicate the time I would like to each, or do it in the order I want. That's OK. The main thing is that I begin. I pick one to do and then check them off, often setting a deadline for completion so that I do not over indulge. I will often use a timer to help guide me, allowing a maximum of 20 minutes per section. 

WHAT OTHER THINK DOESN'T MATTER
I have been mocked and criticised by others who think I am wasting my time. I have had my own doubts too. Sometimes I can use this routine to avoid work, or some other issue. But I know that I would avoid it anyway - we all have avoidance strategies. I have found the two most important elements in this routine are the journalling and the movement outside. These two can really help me step back from the petty mind thoughts and reconnect with my deeper desires. The thing that really helps me with those...

​MUSIC!
If you want to start a morning routine I highly recommend preparing a playlist, or some sounds that help keep you focused as you do it. I love the sounds of chanting as I meditate and journal. I love upbeat songs as I go into nature. 

AVOIDANCE BLOCKS (SMARTPHONE!)
And finally, the thing I do most often that stops me is... I over-think and then go onto my smartphone for relief. What this does is actually increase my thoughts, whilst numbing my body. I have to remind myself of this again and again. I prepare all sorts of things to help me, but overall, the STOP technique really drives this home the most. If you want to read about that click here.

If you'd like help setting up a morning routine, or finding a more healthy balance in your life and cultivating the ability to step back from petty thoughts get in touch now. 

So what was so good? Well here are some of the highlights in a little more detail:

Sitting, sharing and being
A key part of the weekend was arriving each day and meditating. This was followed by sharing what was visiting each of us, some wonderful sharing by Holly from her fabulous books (which she often kissed in admiration) and then she would put on some music and allow us time to just ‘be’ in our bodies, without talking or interacting with each other. I really enjoyed this structure and felt the ‘being’ time loosened me up ready to do some ‘fooling’.

Disidentifying from feeling by how we speak about them
As the Germans  exclaim ‘I have hunger’ we can use this way of speaking to break the identification with our fleeting feelings.  I am (feeling) implies it is who we are. I feel / have / notice (feeling), speaks more accurately of it as a fleeting visitor in our guesthouse. Then we remain mindful and able to handle it. 

Exploring the shadow
The point of the weekend was to play, take risks and explore what Carl Jung refers to as ‘ The shadow’. This is the place where we hide or suppress parts of ourselves, which began in childhood, in order to confirm, to be safe. This can be anything, not just things like ‘anger’ or ‘fear’ but also ‘joy’, ‘pride in oneself’ etc. Until we become aware of the shadow these elements show up destructively. If we become aware, accept and reintegrate elements of our shadow, we can live in a healthier, more functional way. This is a process. The way that Holly facilitates this is by encouraging us to explore what ‘mask’ we are wearing as we stand in front of a loving audience - which I call the’ Fooling Arena’. 

So what is fooling? Expressing the shadow through ‘masks’
In the ‘Fooling Arena’ we find all kinds of social masks coming up - the need to impress, the inner critic, the good one, the rage, the shy one…the list is as deep as your soul.  We express them to the audience, allowing masks to interact. Through this ‘show’ the individual learns how the parts relate and are perceived. I love the process of amplifying the masks, like allowing a tantruming child to vent, before we engage with it, we fully allow and embody the language and emotion of the mask, as a process of acceptance, before we seek change. This often allows it to come and go quite rapidly, but also to be seen fully. We learn what it needs and how it affects us. The audience reflect positive feedback which helps the ‘fool’ to understand the process from other perspectives. 

Acknowledged vulnerability leads to empowerment
Gradually patterns emerge and these realisations can lead to strong, emotional outpourings and then revaluation. Much like the work of Brene Brown points to, I believe the sharing and expression of these vulnerable parts of ourselves is an important part of the process of empowerment. As we are seen, exploring openly, we learn we are OK, even in our darkest places, and we learn how to re-organise our inner parts, so they all serve the same purpose. 

A safe space to be wild and curious
On this retreat we were all daring to explore ourselves, whilst also taking great personal care and treating one another with love and respect. Holly reassured us that we could bring it all out, it is all welcome, and we could therefore interact from these suppressed ‘masks’ whenever we choose to (including during lunch!) We knew this meant that we would be sometimes ‘triggering’ each other. People might feel angry or hurt, and so we were encouraged that if we had a particularly nasty mask that we should redirect that energy towards objects, not other people. The golden rule was: 

​

Mindfulness and playfulness
Mindful walks and play in nature became a daily occurrence. I love these opportunities to see nature in all its glory. We sometimes slowly walked through the beautiful gardens, picking up leaves, examining anything that sparked our interest. Nature, when enjoyed in this way can be energising and revitalising. We made sculptures and played with presenting them, whilst also noticing how we were relating to others. It is great to reflect on the way ‘I’ am with others. 

Embodying
One of the paired exercises we did to warm up was for one person to embody an object we found out in nature and the other to observe and interact with the ‘object’ by asking open questions like; "How are you? Where are you going? What are you up to?" This was very fun. It takes one away from logic and into creative openness. 

Playtimes! 
We played a lot! In one game, as trios we played ‘Yes, lets that!’ A clowning game of agreeing with whatever playful game is suggested within the group. It’s like being a child again and creates an incredible dynamic between three people and the environment. We played balancing, jumping, leaf arrangement, throwing things, skipping, roleplay of a funeral, amongst others. Our imaginations led the way and we always responded with “Yes, that!” 

Mapping our own masks
We used art materials and paper to map the masks that appeared during fooling and playtime. One of my favourite exercises was to take this map and use it to share how: ‘I can be... ‘
For example:

• I can be worried what people think
• I can be like ‘Yay! This is fun!’
• I can be bored
• I can be open and curious
• I can be like ‘holding hands is lush’.

I loved how this is an inclusive way of honouring our multiple facets and complexity. We are never just one thing. We can be many things and that is wonderful.

Fooling feedback
We fooled indoors and outdoors. We always had a loving audience .One of the great things about Holly’s work - all feedback is positive! “What did you like, and how did it make you feel? What touched you? What did you want to see more of?” This helped us reflect on how our performance had showed us things about ourselves.

Learning how masks interact
In one performance the ‘interaction’ was between a sad part of me, longing for love and connection and an ‘advisor part of me,  firing off reassuring quotes and other advice. It was utterly awful and useless. It made me realise that this is how I often deal with my longing for touch and connection - I advise it! 

Rearranging the bus
I decided then to stop that method of managing my longing, and instead I chose to hold it,  encourage it and let it ask others for connection (risky!) The concept Holly presented was that we imagine moving our masks, or inner parts, as if on a bus. You can choose who drives the bus.Create new friendships and break up dysfunctional ones. Don’t sit vulnerability and the critic together. I needed to befriend ‘longing’ and ‘encouraging’ and ‘asking’.  

Honouring our protectors as ‘stars’
We all recognised that these inner parts, although sometimes dysfunctional, were actually our oldest protectors. They were needed as we grew up and the best way to integrate them is to honour them by sending them thanks. So that night we lined up under the starry night sky and shouted as loud as possible, all the things they had created, with a great big THANK YOU. For me this was:

• Thank you for collecting loads of inspiring quotes!
• Thank you for reading tonnes of self help books!
• Thank you for making up tools and mnemonics to remind me of how I can be!
• …(there were many more).

Savouring the end
On Tuesday it was time to leave, but first we had a whole day of savouring. I loved the concept of savouring endings. It challenged my ‘normal’ approach. I have often cut endings abruptly. I haven’t given much room to grief or sentimentality. Not today though. Today was a day of crying, sharing, food in silence, and creating an orchestra of ‘parts of the weekend we loved. 

My personal lessons
I left the weekend feeling incredibly loving and the top lessons for me included: 
1. Strength isn't cold and critical. Strength is loving and open, and emotional. 
2. My longing doesn't need advice. It requires listening, loving and encouraging. It needs touch. 
3. I can ask for connection. I can show people I want to connect, to touch and to be held. 

Taking lessons into practice
I took the lessons into my connection with my partner and my friends this week. I have been fully acknowledging the moody parts of me and I’ve found this a perfect compliment to my mindfulness practice. I will continue to integrate this into my own work, but for now I’ll keep training with Holly, with the hope of one day teaching close to her level of expertise. 

If you’re interested Holly will be doing a TEDx talk in Bristol on November 17th, 3pm at the Bristol Old Vic. Go along and hear her incredible story. ​

See more of Holly Stoppit at: hollystoppit.com

This morning I was meditating and I realised it is helpful to provide a structure to beginners. Even though I believe, in the long run, there is no right or wrong way and variety is a beautiful part of meditation, I also recognise the need for a simple structure when beginning any activity. 

So here it is, enjoy. 

"Mindfulness zealots believe that paying closer attention to the present moment without passing judgment has the revolutionary power to transform the whole world. It’s magical thinking on steroids."
- Yes. If we are to take clear action we must first step out of the story fed to us by society and our past. We must feel, as a step towards gaining perspective. It's taking a step away from magic thinking and even physical or metaphorical steroids and towards ‘reality’, as closely as we can experience it. I am a zealot too, just like the journalist who wrote this and just like you. When we get passionate we act with zeal! Mindfulness practice helps me to acknowledge that fact without reacting from over-eagerness. I find if I act without this awareness I often make situations worse.

"Mindfulness is nothing more than basic concentration training…(it) is a tool of self-discipline, disguised as self-help. Instead of setting practitioners free, it helps them adjust to the very conditions that caused their problems. A truly revolutionary movement would seek to overturn this dysfunctional system, but mindfulness only serves to reinforce its destructive logic."
- Yes! The ability to concentrate and to choose what to concentrate on is a valuable skill that is  being stripped from us by a world of distraction and stimulation. We train to be more self-disciplined in focusing on how we are, what we want and what we can do to create it. If we feel discomfort we feel it fully. This allows us to 'appreciate' it, realise the underlying physical need and then act to change it, or accept it, based on the context. The illogic of irrational fear is what we seek to dissolve; mindfulness therefore empowers people to create positive change, whilst feeling peaceful in the body.

"By failing to address collective suffering, and systemic change that might remove it, they rob mindfulness of its real revolutionary potential, reducing it to something banal that keeps people focused on themselves."
- Yes. I think all mindfulness practitioners, like myself, recommend working alone and then with others, stepping out of individual comfort and into collective sharing. In order to do that one must first gain clarity on what one feels and thinks. This is a part of the process called meditation and self-enquiry. Some parts you can only do by yourself"​

"By practising mindfulness, individual freedom is supposedly found within “pure awareness”, undistracted by external corrupting influences. "
- Sadly not - this is part of the fake news myth of mindfulness. Some of the first myths we dispel are childish notions of 'pure awareness' and that we might live in those spaces. Another myth is that meditation should relax us by stopping thought. No way! I love to think! Instead we seek to slow the mind down and look at it with clarity and relate to ourselves with kindness. Through this process I’ve learned to love my thoughts and channel them creatively.

In contrast many modern habits aim to help stop people thinking through distraction and momentary pleasure or even drama. I’m talking about

• sensationalist news headlines and ‘opinion pieces’ (ahem),
• formulaic movies,
• endless internet TV series
• infinite social media scrolling
• drugs like tobacco, alcohol and sugar

These all serve to numb feelings and thoughts, temporarily. A ‘fix’. These things are fun in moderation, yet they often get out of balance as they target our internal reward systems and then they distract us from the truth of life and instead send us into addiction and confusion. Moments of ‘pure awareness’ are beautiful and truthful, yet fleeting. They give us glimpses of reality to help us gain perspective and calm. Little reset moments are useful when we get stuck in hatred, bitterness, guilt, fear and worry. With practice we can create more of these and then we can then refocus on positive action.

“...most teachers of mindfulness rule out a curriculum that critically engages with causes of suffering in the structures of power and economic systems of capitalist society”
- Yes. One aim of mindfulness is to focus on one thing at a time. During the practice we don't get drawn into endless analysis, as this is part of inaction. We step back and come back to the senses. There is a time for discussion of socio-political systems, and that is not in a mindfulness class or during a meditation. Afterwards we can look afresh at the topics of today and be inspired to give our truth.

"Mindfulness has been oversold and commodified, reduced to a technique for just about any instrumental purpose. It can give inner-city kids a calming time-out, or hedge-fund traders a mental edge, or reduce the stress of military drone pilots. Void of a moral compass or ethical commitments, unmoored from a vision of the social good, the commodification of mindfulness keeps it anchored in the ethos of the market."
- Yes that's all correct. I believe that when one truly feels inside, ‘ethics’ emerge. Niggling doubts become self evident as we raise awareness. We listen to them and question them. This often leads people to change careers, finally, after years of ignoring niggling doubts and pains in the body. Or activists learn to pause and reconsider what causes they are fighting for and the most effective actions. It is a very wise thing to relax for periods of time and reflect. Not all activism is protest, as Gil Scott Heron pointed out:

You will not be able to plug in, turn on and drop out
You will not be able to lose yourself on skag and skip
Skip out for beer during commercials
Because the revolution will not be televised…

You see I believe the revolution is live. Now. It won’t be on TV. It’s here between you and me. Anything else is a distraction. I believe it is great that we have people offering guidance in exchange for money. Mindfulness is priceless! So what we offer is incredibly valuable. 

"The practice is apolitical, and so the avoidance of moral inquiry and the reluctance to consider a vision of the social good are intertwined. It is simply assumed that ethical behaviour will arise “naturally” from practice and the teacher’s “embodiment” of soft-spoken niceness, or through the happenstance of self-discovery"
- Yes, correct. Being a human mind and body is not political or moral, it is, as its basic form, organic and natural. We teach people to reconnect with that level, as it is often forgotten. This allows a greater clarity. Once we are more aware of ourselves we naturally face the pertinent topics of politics, ethics and society. We learn to be nice, appropriately. We also learn to be firm and put boundaries up, practicing self-care. It's all about balance; ‘giving’ - ‘receiving’, ‘taking time out’- ‘stepping into action’. This is only possible when you develop some inner peace.

"Mindfulness is easily co-opted and reduced to merely “pacifying feelings of anxiety and disquiet at the individual level, rather than seeking to challenge the social, political and economic inequalities that cause such distress. Mindfulness is being sold to executives as a way to de-stress, focus and bounce back from working 80-hour weeks. A truly revolutionary mindfulness would challenge the western sense of entitlement to happiness irrespective of ethical conduct."
- Yes again. We see so many people frustrated and anxious about these issues, yet impotent to act. When the human body lives in this state of frustration it crumbles. We teach techniques of peace and balance. In the long run this allows for greater, more effective action. In the short term it looks very still and calm (almost ignorant). Nothing could be further from the truth. We are empowering people to not react, but to respond.

We so often judge people and their motives. Yet every person is on their own journey and has their own struggles and life choices. I work wjth the staff in corporate groups. I'm hired to help staff well being. People sometimes worry that corporate mindfulness work is just a box ticking exercise or a way to get ‘more productive’. No problem! Because even if that was the intention of upper management the practice of going inside is universal and opens up hearts and minds to new perspectives. Perhaps an inner exploration helps the executive realise they don’t want or need to work so hard. This can be good for business because as people reorient themselves based on inner (intrinsic) wants and needs they become happier and healthier, which in turn means working more efficiently in less hours. Win Win!

Other times the executive might quit. If this happens enough businesses will realise that the systems they have need to change. They need to be more focused on staff well being, or on being more ethical in their practices. A revolution can happen gradually, which is more peaceful, more long lasting and perhaps even faster than a forceful revolution. One of the classic mindfulness reminders is: What we resist persists. When we look and see, the mind is set free.​​

Day One
In preparation Thomas asked me to set an intention and give him my schedule - something I do with my own clients. His main difference was that we would then just hang out and follow the flow of interaction to see what would arise. I would describe Thomas as a coach that has an embodied faith in the wisdom of emotions. Our first interaction revealed that to me. 
​
Grumpiness
We met in the park, on a sunny Monday afternoon. We played around and talked with passers by and I realised that Thomas was very open to connections. I noticed the contrast in myself, the desire to get him alone and get ‘working’. So I bought him a smoothie and we found a quiet patch of grass to talk.  I noticed my inner grumpiness and acknowledged it, trying to change the dynamic of things. Thomas invited me to feel into my mood and reveal, what he called, ‘the need underneath’. I realised that I had a strong impulse to move, so I stood up and climbed a tree as he watched me, and then I felt something new - aggression. I told him that I’d love a play fight. He was up for it!

Fighting
So it was that at Two O'Clock on a Monday afternoon in Castle Park two grown men began grappling and throwing each other around, whilst people watched and ate their lunch. It was incredibly cathartic and we sat down, catching our breath, laughing. The emotion had moved through me and left space for us to connect. We made our way back to my place by bicycle. 

Fasting
Our conversations went this way a lot, following emotion and impulse into action - and this was very revealing. We talked about this word 'need' a lot - could we gently exploring soft edges of ‘neediness’ by spending extended amounts of time without food?  We decided to do it together - 3 days of fasting, allowing 1 afternoon meal per day! For me this was unnerving, and fascinating. 

Skill Share
Rather than direct coaching this was more of a two way ‘skill share’. We would learn from one another.  Thomas came with me to my evening meditation class, which I teach. I taught about expressing emotion, through voice ('oming' meditation), sharing (I feel… I imagine…) and movement (shaking and sighing). This was a reflection of things I had learned in the play fight today!
​Then I took Thomas to his first blues dancing class, taught by Tristan Brightman and followed by social dancing to live music (The Blues Happening). This was my community and a skill I had cultivated. At the time I thought  this was out of his his comfort zone but after checking in with him I was surprised to see how comfortable and happy he was in that space. I was pleased to see him get stuck in, and we both had a lot of fun. ​

Day three - MORNING routine
Another sunny day and another movement meditation, before Thomas went off to teach his own yoga practice. I channelled my inspiration into my morning routine (MORNINGS - Meditation, Outlook, Reach out, Nourish, Inspire, Nature, Gym, Stretch). I spent a good hour of ‘inspiration’ writing my book (work in progress) and when he returned we continued my morning routine - Nature (we went for a run and slack line practice in the park) and then Gym. I showed him my HIIT practice, which I do regularly. He particularly enjoyed the rice bucket challenge.

Rounding up
We spent the afternoon talking and eating, ending the three day food fasting. I helped him learn the guitar. We shared a lot of information and we explored the work again, in review of the past few days. We came to these conclusions:

• Western culture is overbalanced in prioritising ‘mental’ intelligence. To me the brain is a fantastic organ at looking for an solving problems. Perhaps there are also other, more beautiful ways to meet our instinctive desires and find a balance of productivity, purpose and peace. Thomas believes that there are 5 main intelligences (mind, breath, emotions, belly, and body) who communicate in their respective languages with us. I prefer to simplify it down to perhaps 4 main intelligences that can be part of this process:
  • S: Sensations (bodily nervous system)
  • I: Impulses (movement of muscles toward or away)
  • T: Thoughts (analytical mind)
  • E: Emotions (heart, breath and gut movements)

I created a mnemonic to remember that the way to access them is to find the SITE of them in the here and now, rather than the getting caught up in the TIES of thought based ‘need’.

• We created a ‘water company’ analogy: A CEO in a high office reads that some customers are receiving empty water containers. She panics and hires an expensive team of critical analysts to expend a lot of time, energy and money in developing an elaborate alarm system to solve the problem. However, down in the factory the workers get annoyed by the alarm and demand the CEO to come down to the factory floor. When she finally does she observes them voicing emotion, and clearly pointing at the window! Confused, but recognising their obvious urge she permits them to take action and watches their relief as they unlock the window and cool air rushes in to blows over any empty containers. The workers breathe a sigh of relief. Alarms stop and the factory runs smoothly again.  
  
  This more elegant and efficient solution was found only when the CEO (consciousness) had tried the analytical ways (thought), and listened to the emotions of the workers in the factory (body) to experience the reality (sensations) and allow simple, clear action (impulses) to be followed, even if it was not cognitively understood (thoughts). This led to expression of an instinctual desire, which was trying to reveal a way using wind (breath) to heal the system with ease (emotional release).
• Thomas called this “Being in the environment of the emotion” where feedback is felt, where impulses are clear. Often we try and over-think solutions, when we could instead observe the body, follow impulses and get fresh air (breath) to release problems and soothe emotions.
• This led me into a simple realisation of the system: Feel, Revel, Heal:
  • Feel: bring awareness to the body and acknowledge feelings in their locations
  • Reveal: explore the SITE of feelings and reveal the instinctual desire underneath
  • Heal: follow the impulse to allow bodily healing to occur. This might include:
    • Sensations: Observing and allowing them to guide you back to your senses, and to the environment of instinct
    • Impulses: Observing and creating a safe space to take physical action to allow them to heal the body.
    • Thoughts: Witness memories and dispel negative thoughts to prevent over-thinking, leading to simple and truthful self-expression.
    • Emotions: Reconnect to the truth and beauty of your instinctual desires to release emotions and find peace.
• In practical terms these ‘healing’ solutions could include a variety of means, as you saw in my examples from the week (fighting, climbing, talking, questioning, breathwork, touch practice, affirmation and friendship). There is no single solution, which is often the way we ‘think’ about things. The 21st C conditioned brain tries to intellectualise everything and make life overly complex, or instead find quick fixes, urgent for relief, without appreciating the true nature of the issue. Instead we can choose to observe the context of the present moment, get in touch with instincts and trust in the body and breath to show us elegant solutions, when the intelligence of the mind does not work.

A useful ending can be to sum up:

1. What you now realise and understand (that the other person was saying). “I’m realising you thought…”
2. What you appreciate (about yourself and the other). “I’m appreciating that you took the time to…”
3. What you want (sharing a plan or requesting something). “I’d like… would you be willing to…?”
   
   

This tool is related to the I FIND I’m RAW tool for self expression. You may wish to consider using this format if you get stuck in talking. However, if at any point there is silence the listener must not interrupt or prompt the speaker. LET THERE BE SILENCE, It is vital for respect processing. 

VULNERABLE!
Having a real conversation with actual listening takes courage and feels vulnerable. Remember to practice healthy self care by finding your own balance of boundaries and empathy. In the end you will know if it is worth it, because experiencing this kind of honesty and intimacy can feel incredible and reconnect people through seemingly impossible arguments. Good luck, keep breathing and listen to yourself too. x ​

Bonus: Celeste Headless tips:
Keep your mouth shut frequently. Instead of talking endlessly:

1. Listen. If you're mouth is open your not learning. No one ever 'listened' themselves out of the job. Listen to yourself too! Breathe.
2. Be as brief as possible and try not to repeat yourself - it's boring and condescending. Remember that you don’t have to say everything, right away, or even in this conversation. There will be more opportunities to speak. .
3. Trust they care about you so stay out of the minutiae of detailed data to prove a point.
4. Remember that people need time to process before changing their mind. Sometimes they need to sleep on it.

Keep an open mind and be prepared to be surprised. Instead of assuming you know:

1. Don't multitask, stay present, allowing thoughts to come & go by bringing your attention back to the breath as you listen.
2. If you don't know, say that you don't know.
3. Use open-ended questions.
4. Recognize their experience as unique Don't equate your experience with theirs. and let go of the opportunity to brag.
   
5. Speak without blame, if possible, using ‘I feel’ and ‘I imagine’. Don't pontificate and moralize. If you want to state your opinion (without another arguing back) write a blog.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who has counselled people in their last year of life has revealed the most common regrets we have towards the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is "I wish I hadn't worked so hard."  Bronnie recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which became a book called "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying." In it she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."  Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Bronnie:

Some questions:

• What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?
• What's stopping you? (The cost of action)
• What's the cost of INACTION?
• What's the cost of inaction in 1 year and then 5 years?

These questions are from Tim Ferris' FEAR SETTING exercise, which I made into a tool called WORST/BEST. Which asks us to check out the scenarios and clear up the BS stories of the mind that hold us back. Give it a go and let me know your feedback! 

I was recently asked to interview for a company (Adlib) blog based on "work and life balance". Here it is:

ADLIB: Let’s start with ‘Why’, how do you think can mindfulness help with workplace stress?
Neil Morbey: 
People work most effectively when they have good focus, which requires a clear mind, so one can move the attention effectively from one task to the next, and with an overview of the whole purpose. This requires a balance of attention.
21st Century education and society has filled our waking moments with busy-ness of pinging smartphones, marketing, unreasonable expectations and endless information. The modern worker is lost in a world of confusion and therefore mentally creates stress - a mind full of ‘stuff’, instead of clarity, focus and balance. Anxiety, burn out and apathy are the inevitable result and businesses foot the bill for recovery.
Mindfulness is both preventative medicine and helps people to ‘hit reset’ when they’ve gotten themselves into a hole; to pause and reflect, connecting with what is simply beautiful - the experience of being here and now. This is the beginning of awareness, acknowledgement and appreciation, which allows us to refocus, as a clear and balanced choice.  
The how is simple - make space for learning, practice and for integration of ‘moments’ within the fabric of the way we work and interact. Mindful communication quickly follows mindful self-awareness. Inspiration keeps it moving
​

ADLIB: Can you share 3 pieces of wisdom or mindful exercises that one could introduce into their daily routine as an employee or as a manager?
Neil Morbey: Yes.

1. Schedule a meeting with yourself. Let that be time to reflect, and set an intention on how you’d like to do that. Do this every day.
2. Put pressure on management to create a darkened, comfortable and quiet room, with space to lie down, if possible. Or allowance for quiet time. Afternoon naps or mediation have been demonstrated to aid productivity. At the same time ask them to get CPDs from inspiring practitioners. Whatever interests staff - yoga, meditation, singing - whatever inspires and gives people space to ‘be’.
3. Go outside every day, without your phone, and breathe in the fresh air deeply. Smokers have the advantage of this habit, but with the addition of toxic death-sticks. Just relabel them ‘fresh air’ breaks, instead of fag breaks. Better still go for a walk and notice the trees, the sky and something beautiful and stay with it a few seconds longer than feels ‘normal’.

I wrote a blog with a few more suggestions here: http://www.positively-mindful.com/blog/3-ways-you-can-help-your-workplace-become-more-mindful


ADLIB: In your opinion, how can mindfulness improve the way that people work?
Neil Morbey:
It allows us to move our attention from one thing to another with more ease, and therefore let go of resentment and speak more assertively and compassionately. At the end of the day it allows us to shift modes and leave work at the office so we can balance our lives and manage our ‘human’ priorities. This will help us feel that work is not a chore, but a nourishing activity that is integrated with our lives. People who feel in control of our lives worry less and are more productive, with less passive aggression. It also opens us up to creative possibility. We become more positive in our outlook, which drives innovation and inspiration.

Both approaches can be useful, and when I coach I may at times take more of a counselling approach, but I see coaching as an effective way to encourage clients to improve their self-connection, become happier and more successful in achieving chosen goals. The big question is... 

DO I NEED A COACH?
No. 'Need' is a strong word. You don't need - you are a capable human even if you have lost your way a little. You can work on yourself and you will arrive at the right place. A coach will facilitate that process to make it smoother, faster and easier. It's a choice. But here are 7 clear reasons you might choose a coach to help you, even if you feel fine:

1. COMPLACENCY: When you think you’ve tried everything you get complacent and can fall into the trap of belief  that “it’s hopeless” or "I know what I’m doing." This is a stagnation. Coaches challenge knowledge, and will encourage you to learn, by asking “what may I be missing?” If discovered this can shift your entire worldview and help you enjoy and acheive more than ever before. 

2. BLIND SPOTS: The longer you live and work the more blind spots you develop. Coaches point them out and help you plan to clear them. 

3. UNBIASED HELP: Unlike friends and family coaches are unbiased, honest and skilful communicators. Coaches say it as they see it and try and remove their prejudice. They're not invested in your choices, so they won't be tainted by them. They’ll just aim to help you find the right path for you.

4.EXTRA ENERGY AND COMPUTING POWER: You haven't always got the energy and courage to ask pertinent and difficult questions of yourself. A coach will. With the energy boost comes another human to direct it at solving issues - two heads are better than one!

5. CONFLICT RESOLUTION: A coach supports you to manage conflict effectively - to walk the line between empathy and boundaries, from a detached perspective, and with the skill of their training and practice. 

6. OPENING UP: You can be more open with a trusted coach than any other business relationship, and at times, even more than intimate relationships. This is helpful, to get stuff off the chest and stop wasting energy holding it. It can also be helpful to encourage us to open up vulneraby with those you’d like to be more intimate with; to build real connections.  

7. EXPAND OPTIONS AND FOCUS DECISIONS: The Coach helps you significantly expand your options, and also your decision-making ability, by facilitating you to remind yourself of what is important and what isn't. ​

​

MY EXPERIENCE
I have used these techniques of self enquiry to great effect. BK calls it THE WORK, and I have translated the questions of the work into an easy to remember acronym. I think of this as ghostbusting! It makes it fun. My ghosts are funny, silly and after some practice they are never painful, because I see they are not real and I no longer believe what they show me. With inquiry I go inside and meet them with kind questioning, loving laughter and acceptance, freeing me from any negativity. Positivity is an natural response. It floods in and I get on with enjoying. I can move on more easily and smoothly by combining meditation and inquiry. Ghosts still appear and that's ok. It’s taken me 2 years of THE WORK to reach a threshold where I catch 80% of the ghosts within a minute. If you’re just starting, go slow, take your time and know that it will get easier with practice. ​