A lot of my work is informed by Transactional Analysis (TA) - model of psychotherapy, created by Eric Berne in the 1950's. Like any 'model' it is not complete and perfect, but it can be a very useful 'lens' to view our interactions and the internal 'states' we respond from. The idea of this is that if we become aware of this stuff in our life we can break the patterns and create new, more helpful ones.  Doing that isn't a purely rational process, as I'll explain below. 

Simply put the ideas are as follows:

• We are all products our past, highly influenced by our childhood and the blueprints our parents modelled for how to love. TA describes three Ego States that we flit between:
  • Adult: When we are in our rational mind, the body is relatively calm and centred. 
  • Child: When we feel young - we are in one of two Child-like states: 'Free-Child' when we are playful in a way that is very natural, or 'Adapted-Child' which is when we respond the way we learned to as a child, which is unique to the conditions you grew up in. Eg. Someone might go quiet when they get angry, because as a child they learned this adaptive behaviour worked to calm the critical parent. 
  • Parent: When we feel older or in more authority - we are in one of two Parent-like states: 'Nurturing Parent' when we adopt a role of caretaker, or 'Critical Parent' when we diagnose what is wrong with a situation or a person and try to coerce or force change. 
    
    (There is more complexity in this, about how we then interact, but I feel much of it is superfluous. Basically we want to have adult to adult transactions. Other transactions will be problematic, especially if they are without awareness)
    
    
• TA recognises we all want attention and validation - it's part of being an animal. Eric calls these Strokes. They can be used to enforce behaviour and beliefs. This is part of the conditioning. If we become aware of our behaviour, beliefs and ego starts we can exert some conscious control over how we give and receive strokes and how we react to situations. If we are unaware of this stuff we often react unconsciously and end up reinforcing the conditioning we grew up with. We repeat the patterns of our parents and our erroneous childhood adaptations, that often don't serve us as adults.  Again more complexity is available. 

Drama Tringle 
These ideas feed nicely into the idea of 'roles' that we take on, when we get embroiled into drama. I've adapted these into my own drama triangle. Read more here. The reason it's hard to escape the drama triangle is that we are deeply programmed to respond from our Ego States, that it surpasses our conscious, rational mind. 

Escaping drama through Voicing Vulnerability, 
I believe there are three ways to escape the drama triangle, but first we have to recognise that we've been unconsciously pulled into it! The main way I do this is to take a pause, regularly.
What next? One of the three ways is to work with our emotions and VOICE OUR VULNERABILITY.

You see the victim mindset is linked to the adapted-child ego state. We adapted to act like a victim to receive strokes from inattentive (or overly critical / smothering) caregivers. We sometimes bring this behaviour into adult life (Eg. We go quiet and shy , or another adaptation might be acting out in inappropriate situations). What the child really needed was a safe space (and encouragement) to voice their vulnerable feelings and to receive positive strokes in the form of being listened to with love, co-regulation (soothing the nervous system from an emotionally regulated parent), empathising with the child's perspective and respect for their trying to overcome it. I have adapted this into a handy tool that anyone can use with  themselves, or with another person. 

Activating the ELDER
Voice is a powerful mode of expressing ourselves. Have you noticed that when you speak something aloud you also hear it? If you repeat it and listen you really get some interesting feedback effects in the body and the mind. With this in mind, and awareness of the different Ego States we can make it a regular practise to find a sage space to voice our vulnerable emotions.  But where is this safe space? Well the best place is a private place, where no one else can hear. I use the car or I go for a walk in nature. Next we access that part of us that is the Nurturing Parent and the Free Child. We vocalise our distress to the parent, repeating it many times. Then the parent listens, soothes, empathises with and respects the child. This allows the child to feel seen, heard and loved and then the adult can come online and steer this human being! 

Here's the acronym to help you

ELDER (Click here for full instructions)

E: Express the Emotion: Allow sound or words, keep repeating
L: Listen with Love: Hands on belly and chest and repeat I hear you, I love you
D: Downregulate: Take a breath and rub the hands. Soothe the body. 
E: Empathy: Show deep understanding of the child's perspective. Validate that it makes sense
R: Respect: Honour the child's efforts and achievements. Express pride and togetherness.

My findings
I have found remarkable things happen here when I do this. First - I feel better, more spacious, more calm, more open and more clear. I feel like I can get on with things. Second - I find solutions come easily. I remember more options available to me . Third - I bring this more into my life. I allow myself to voice my feelings and needs with clarity and ownership (instead of confusion and demanding of others). This has a positive ripple effect on others and we can have healthier adult to adult conversations. ​ In the past I thought this had to be all cognitive work, with the rational mind, and I now see it is the emotions that sail the ship and I need to check in with them, give them voice, if I'm to sail the ship in the direction I consciously want to go. The good news is - it feels great and with practice its easy peasy!

Working with ELDER and Ego States
I have really adapted this into my personal practice and my work with clients. If this is something you're interested in come and work with me 1:1 or in groups. 

To help see the value of this let's look at the story of Jo and Jae, two friends who lead similar lives.  It's a cold, icy and wet Tuesday morning...

Jo is woken up by the alarm at 6:50am and looks at the weather, through the window, hits the snooze and goes back to sleep. Jo does this reputedly until 7:30am when it's time to get breakfast. In a hurry Jo spills the tea and in a rush to get in the car accidently drops the keys under the car, in the icy rain! Jo is annoyed with the cold weather and worried about an important meeting at work. On the drive Jo is going too fast, the radio is too loud and Jo nearly hits an elderly person crossing the street. Instead Jo swerves and hit's a bollard. Jo winds down the window to shout at them, unaware of a police officer approaching to give Jo a ticket for dangerous driving! 

Jae is woken up by the alarm at 6:50am and remembers an intention to meditate. Despite the cold outside Jae sits up straight on the floor, under a blanket, tea steaming in front for 10 minutes, focusing on the sensations of the body and observing the thoughts passing across the mind. Jae feels more centred after this and checks-in by talking out loud and then setting an intention for the day. Today Jae remembers an important meeting and Jae decides to practice calmness in preparation and during the meeting. During breakfast Jae listens to calming music and in the car Jae drives carefully, enjoying the frosty trees and children throwing snowballs. An elderly person is crossing and Jae stops, winds down the window to say hello before driving off and smiling at the nice response.

The difference in these two days is clear and it can be attributed to setting an intention the night before to wake up and create space to meditate and check in.

This is something I try to do every weekday and I'm starting to open this up to others to join me. If you're interested check here to see if they are ongoing now.

The structure I often use is the folliwng:

• Meditation: This is the practice of being with myself. I sit on the floor, in a comfortable way, back stright. I set a 10 or 15 minute timer. I close my eyes and breath long, slow and deep. I settle into natural breathing and bring my attention inside to be curious and Notice, Observe and Wonder about how amazing my mind-body is. 
• ​Check-In: I talk to a friend or myself, or sometimes I write in a diary. I use the tool PIES & Gravy:
  • P: Physical: What am I noticing in my body? 
  • I: Intellectual: What is my mind thinking about?
  • E: Emotional: What emotions are present?
  • S: Seeking: What are you longing for more of or what do you want?
  • Gravy: What am I grateful for? (I try and find 3 minimum)
• Intention Setting: With all that information I simply pause and consider what might help me make today more wonderful? I state it as a positive - what I want (not a negative - what I don't want) declaration. Eg. I intend to practice being calm today 
  (A negative one would say I don't want to get stressed and uptight today)

Finally it's important to get up and move. In the past I have allowed the time boundary to lapse and I can spend an hour reflecting and getting caught up in thinking. Instead make it a practice to stand up and DO SOMETHING. I often do a short stretch and then go get breakfast. 

I hope this helps you have a more wonderful day. 

Come join me on my daily Morning Meditation and Check In . 

Imagine if...

Imagine if… Eating fruit and vegetables was even more enjoyable than eating sweets and chocolate
Imagine if…Working out and stretching your body was even more enjoyable that scrolling the internet 
Imagine if…Meditation and spiritual connection was even more enjoyable than YouTube short videos
Imagine if…Reading and writing was even more enjoyable that internet shopping
Imagine if…Talking with friends was even more enjoyable than browsing the news
Imagine if…Going outside and appreciating life was even more enjoyable than staying in and watching TV or browsing the internet
Imagine if…Stillness and silence was even more enjoyable than filling the mind with input and stimulation
Imagine if…You loved mind-body practices even more than you love vegging out
Imagine if…You found more pleasure than you’ve ever known in connecting to your sexual power than you ever found in quick porn 
Imagine if…You loved intimacy with your partner, seeing them and being seen, and found it even more enjoyable than isolation and internet zombie mode

Imagine if all these things were what you loved. 

Imagine if you did these things daily, because you loved them

Imagine how you would feel and be if you craved these empowering practices and those other, autopilot addictions just seemed as odd and unpleasant as eating your most disliked food and drink,

​When the mind-body is aligned to the truth it’s as natural to not do those things as it is to avoid dirty and unhygienic things. Because those things are toxic. We realise that the healthy things are delicious, fun and invigorating. It’s so easy. 

Imagine if you just loved life and lived in a way that helped you

You’d feel amazing

You’d be so grateful

You’d be buzzing with positive energy

And life would be fun

I wrote this for myself. I’m on a journey to help myself attain this attitude of mind and body. If you’d like help with this on your journey I help others with mindfulness practices, coaching and mentoring. I help people find more intimacy in themselves and their relationships. I help people shift their mindset to enjoy more things that help them and see the truth behind things and people that are toxic for them and naturally stop seeing and doing them. If you’d like to work with me click here: https://www.positively-mindful.com/11.html ​

The study of philosophy enhances a person's problem-solving capacities. It helps us to analyse concepts, definitions, arguments, and problems. It contributes to our capacity to organize ideas and issues, to deal with questions of value, and to extract what is essential from large quantities of information. 

The problem with philosophy is that it can go on and on and people can begin to believe the ideas they entertain. This is what many call BELIEF SYSTEMS. I shorten this to BS. 

DOGMA = DOGMUCK
When we deeply hold that our BS is true, and then whine on about it tediously and fall into what I call 'dog muck' (AKA Dogma -  defined as a set of principled that one considers inarguably true).
For example when a religion believes that it is the 'one true way to divinity' this is a dogmatic belief. People even have wars to try and protect this BS, not realising it is dog muck. Jeez! 

FATALISM vs DETERMINISM 
There are two philosophies of the world I think are important to consider. Fatalism and Determinism. Fatalism is the theory of 'fate' as in 'fatal' - a focus on the end. The idea that there is some destiny that we cannot avoid, although we are able to take different paths up to this destiny. Death is an obvious example. We know death is our fate, but not how (or why). Although we don't really know if death is the end. Perhaps it's just a point on a journey... hmmm... 
Determinism, however, is the theory that the entire path of our life is decided or 'pre-determined' by earlier events and actions. Karma is another word for this. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction and we are currently living the result of trillions of prior actions stemming back to... well, um... we don't know.  A big bang? But where did that come from?

USING BS TO HELP ONESELF 
My friend J uses Determinism to help lessen emotional pain and to end tricky discussions. We might be looking at a deep emotional issue and then he might say "Yes, but we have no free will anyway, it's all pre-determined, so fuck it." We usually laugh it off and get on with life. 
Is he using the BS of determinism to wriggle out of looking at his very human emotional pain? Yes and no.... Thankfully he knows that this is just an opinion and he doesn't hold these beliefs as dog muck. It's also very healthy to hide from our own pain sometimes, because we need time and compassion in order to come to terms with our pain. It also helps to be aware we are doing it, otherwise we risk deluding ourselves and falling into dog muck.

BEYOND OUR TANTALISING IDEAS IS THE BODY AND LIFE
With time we can remember that beyond our thinking our bodies need things in order to grow. Thinking round and round often distracts us from this.  Thoughts are incredibly alluring and we can get drawn into thinking at the expense of our deeper and more real needs. I personally believe that the BS of 'spirituality' is actually a disguise for a deep need for connection. Us humans, being social animals, often feel lonely and spirituality is the BS that often gives us an excuse to connect to something greater than ourselves - a community and perhaps even a 'god'. This is very comforting for a human being and comfort is also a need. I think if we pondered the underlying needs more often we would see that a lot of our BS is pointing to unmet needs and then we would focus on those instead of fuelling the BS and creating dog muck.

EXISTENTIAL DREAD
We see throughout history examples of people fuelling BS, creating dog muck and then having wars or ruining lives because of it. Most of this has been religious wars. in the 21st Century we worship money and power and don't have much BS in a god. This creates the dog muck of Nihilism - a belief that there is nothing else to life and in the end it will be nothing. This can take away our hope and even our agency and willpower., leading us to 'existential dread''. However, even this BS can be lightly held and seen as pointing to a need for... meaning. We human beings seek and need meaning in our lives. We often seek it in the wrong places and get lulled in by dog muck and then indoctrinated into a very unhelpful BS. . Kurzgesagt's take on 'Optimistic Nihilism' is a way to hold this more lightly and to then consider... what do I need now?

LEARNINGS FROM THE MATRIX: SELF FULLILLING PROPHECIES 
In this dystopian movie a critical scene examines these philosophies in action. It shows how our BS can create a self fulfilling prophecy. In the movie 'The Oracle' tells Neo "You are NOT the One". This is challenging for Neo, because he sees Morpheus believes, dogmatically, that he is, to the point that he is willing to sacrifice himself and everyone else to protect Neo.
This situation forces Neo to decide what is important and to do his best to protect Morpheus and everyone else, to live up to the expectation and to consider what was needed.
Later, after Neo saves the world, Morpheus reveals he knew The Oracle would have said that Neo was NOT the One in order to create this situation.; "She told you exactly what you needed to hear".  
The events unfolded because Neo was forced to examine what was needed, instead of just believing something. 
This little scene with the vase encapsulates that so beautifully: 

BELEIFS ARE POWERFUL
Beliefs help us to cooperate in enormous numbers. I highly recommend the talk and book by Yuval Noah Harari. He realised that humans living in a dual reality to help them to flexibly collaborate on a mass scale with strangers through the willingness to embrace fictional stories that create 'networks of cooperation'.  Even money is a network of beliefs. We all agree to believe that a coin represents value, even though it is just a story. The belief in the story makes it truth, at least to humans.  

REPETITION OF THOUGHT: CONFIRMATION BIAS
We believe things more strongly when we hear them repeated and then we look for evidence to support our beliefs, which adds more repletion. It's sometimes called an echo-chamber effect. This is important to remember. Soldiers will even give their lives to uphold the belief in the ideals of a country (after lengthy indoctrination in soldier training, through repetition). In the USA Donald Trump used repetition really well to drive him simple messages to combat complex and nuanced thinking. Slogans like 'Make America Great Again' ring through the ears and brains of his supporters and now they are so strong in their beliefs that they believe everything he says. I would say this is also happening all over the world, as the internet becomes a powerful tool for spreading ideas much like 'mind-viruses', repeating them for people, which quickly become BS and dog Muck!  Supporters of a belief are drawn towards internet forums, news articles and websites that all confirm the beliefs and repeat them more, growing the belief in their minds. This feels strangely comforting, as humans cling to certainty and try to eliminate nuance, complexity and uncertainty. 

THE BRAIN AND BODY GET CONFUSED
The result of all this information and misinformation is mass confusion and fear. We then CLING to safe sounding ideas, which often leads us down dark paths of polarisation and war. This confusion can also lead to  placebo effects (where we believe a medicine will work and so that enhances its effects) or Nocebo effects (where we inhibit the power of a medicine because we think it won't work). All of this is why we have to be very careful in the following:

• Which sources of information you read/listen to/ watch
• Who you hang out with
  
• Even what ideas you entertain and repeat in your mind
  

​A wise person must question their sources and even their own thoughts and this brings me back to mindfulness. I believe its not enough to meditate and observe the mind, we must also question our thoughts, like Byron Katie in 'The work' (see my other blogs). I do this regularly and I still get caught up on my own BS. It never ends because the mind is always looking for comfort in easy answers. If we are to combat this we must remember Neo and realise that we need to struggle and grapple with complex ideas and return to the needs of the body,. 

KEEPINNG OUR HUMAN HEART OPEN
If we don't want to fall into dog muck we can find inspiration from mindfulness  philosophers like Eckhart Tolle,  Alan Watts and Ram Dass (these are two important videos).. It is never as simple as this or that. It is complex and we must embrace the complexity whilst also remembering the simple truths of the human body, which has needs. and the human mind which must be questioned  and treated with care. It is a powerful imagination.  Remembering this can we focus on positive beliefs that invite us to take care of our bodies and of each other?  To hold our opinions more lightly and not impress them upon others.  To be careful about our sources of information and be aware of the power of repletion. To keep switching off the noise of the world, from time to time, so we don't get drawn down the dark paths of mind viruses and instead remember what is important - connection, care. compassion, complexity. What ideas inspire these values and needs to become important again? 

Big love
Neil 

To me this is a very important blog. I run courses to bring people together because I know how important it has been in my life to have friends and partners who are able to listen with empathy when I feel vulnerable, emotional and in need of connection and understanding. I put tools like this out there with the hope of linking people up with empathy buddies in their lives, so we can have more connection and less pain in the world. Please read this and consider linking up with a friend to make an empathy buddy connection. I think its one of the main things that saved my life. 

Vulnerability needs SAFER communication
When people feel vulnerable the psyche creates a protector using our powerful EMOTIONS. Sometimes this gets out of hand and it becomes a sabotaging ‘panicked protector’ which inhibits rational thinking to prioritize the immediate safety and survival of the organism.  In order for the panicked protector to calm down and allow a rational discussion, it must first feel a sense of safety. This is achieved by giving the vulnerable person Space to share and be  Acknowledged and appreciated, Feelings to be validated, Empathic exploration to be encouraged and finally a sense of Respect and recognition for our efforts and achievements.  This helps us to feel seen and understood, which is very helpful before problem-solving or reconnection can happen.

How I use SAFER
I try and do this when dealing with any vulnerable moment in a relationship that I care for. It helps us to communicate openly and honestly,. In order to do it it is important I practice doing it form myself, so that I have the inner space to offer to others. This SOLO practice is described later, as part of a therapeutic technique called Voice Dialogues (talking to yourself). See the bottom of this sheet for more information. 

First I'll layout the model. Make it a habit to change your self-talk and your communication with others using:

SAFER communication:

S: Space: Make space to slow down your speech and breath and listen fully to the other (or to yourself). Sharing openly won’t happen without making space for it. Practice mindful listening (80% of attention on them, 20% on your body and breath), no interruption). Fully allow space for anything that arises, whether it is emotional, challenging, repetitive, loud or quiet. I also find it helpful to set some time boundaries at the start. If at any time during listening you realise you're out of space, interrupt and offer reflection. Roughly we don't want to exceed 3 minute chunks of talking, because it becomes hard to hold more. Key phrases here:

1. “I’m open if you would like to share”
2. “What’s moving in you right now?”
3. “How are you, really? I’d really like to know”
   
4. "Let's talk for 20 minutes and then stop, OK?"
   
5. "Can I interrupt and reflect my understanding so far?"
   
   

A: Acknowledge: Value this sharing. Always begin with “Thank you for sharing”. Take a breath and respond from your wise inner adult, repeating back what you heard, paraphrasing or summarising the important bits.

1. “Thank you for sharing”   
2. "I heard…”

​
F: Feelings: Name the feelings you heard. Use the exact word and also synonyms ("You feel 'sad', really 'low' and 'teary'?") - validate the feelings and maximise them because people have a tendency to minimise feelings . Focus on and validate whatever someone is feeling. Reflect the vibe of the emotion in your acknowledgements.  Get into the feeling tone a little, with them. 
If you are not sure what they are feeling try and guess. As the listener try and connect to your own heart and body - what are you feeling as you listen? This can be a guide.  

1. "You're feeling..." (Angry, Scared, Sad, Lonely, Guilty, Ashamed... (see feelings list)
2. “I imagine you feel… (feeling guess)... is that right?
   
   

E: Empathic Exploration:  This step is really about feeling alongside the other. Take the perspective of the other person and, staying out of judgement, explore what it might be like to be them. Feeling alongside people, without a need to fix, but just to more deeply understand creates real connection and healing, in my opinion. Get into their story and fill out the details and emotional journey. Some things we can offer include: 

1. “I can really imagine your situation is...
   
2. "It makes sense to me that you feel...”
3. “I can see how you've been really needing... and feeling... "
   
   

R Respect: This is the cherry on top - ending with respecting this human being for their efforts, awareness and courage in the face of such vulnerability.  When we are really seen in the struggles of our situation and how much we are doing and trying we feel so much better (and often emotions like grief pour out). When we are celebrated in our achievements we feel validated, appreciated and positive. Sometimes we resist these compliments, especially if we suffer 'imposter syndrome' but that's ok. The more we hear them the more we chip away at that armour. People tend to change and come back to their true selves when they feel seen and supported, not criticised. 

1. I can really see how much you try and it's amazing.
2. You are managing so much right now. 
3. I love how you... (insert compliment - genuine noticing and celebration). I admire you/ am proud of you.
4. I really appreciate you for...

When you share, try and connect with how you feel. Slow down as much as you can. You can always ask them if they could acknowledge what you said and felt. After you have both shared you can begin a normal dialogue to problem solve or connect physically to create a loving connection. 

Finding an Empathy Buddy
Reach out to a trusted friend to ask for an empathy buddy to practice with (you can have more than one!) It's easiest if they have some connection to your life, but perhaps not the closest person, to begin with. Then allow for 20-30min per person as the focus for the listening with the  SAFER communication tool. Try to keep the chunks of sharing to approx 3 minute chunks, otherwise it is very hard to keep up with all the data. To help with this, as the listener please INTERRUPT them when you don't have more space and offer to reflect back what you've heard. (S A F of SAFER) (A phrase like "Can I reflect what I'm hearing?" 
Then more sharing might come
After a bit of going back and forth the E and R of SAFER can be used. But we don't have to be mega prescriptive. It might be that empathy and respect gets sprinkled in throughout. But nice to end on respect - which naturally leads to mutual appreciation.

I would suggest setting up a weekly connection if the vibe is working. This is nearly as good as therapy (sometimes better).

A LITTLE MORE THEORY

DRAMA and EMPATHY triangles
Below is my interpretation of the drama triangle and how it leads into the empathy triangle. The goal is to give empathy to the parts that are alive. When we do this they naturally come down the triangle, through vulnerability, like sand through an hour glass, and we value, respect and celebrate the person, leaving them feeling seen, appreciated and settled. To read more about my Drama/Empathy Triangles click here. ​​

So finally I hope you can see how creating an empathic way of communicating when the other is in a vulnerable emotional space creates connection and healing. I hope you found this helpful

Come join a group of mine or work with me individually to learn more. 

As I worked with an anxious client I realised something: Most of my inner work and my work with clients is about unschooling us from the inaccurate and unhelpful narratives they have been indoctrinated into. We have all been brainwashed by well meaning adults before us. They were brainwashed too, it’s not their fault. It isn’t anyone's fault, but it is our responsibility. 

IT'S NO ONES FAULT - IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY
It’s my responsibility to notice when a thought is negative, that is to say, it depletes energy by arguing with reality. A negative thought is always inaccurate, wrong and untrue. It argues with facts because a part of me is too afraid to slow down and look at the truth of the situation, and because I have been schooled this way by so many people in my childhood and in my adulthood. Our culture is rife with poor quality education. An example from my life is that I was told I was lazy, so many times, and by so many people, especially key people (like Dad) that I started to believe it. In fact the whole concept of laziness is wrong. Laziness is healthy - it is a response to being tired. What most people call laziness is actually fear. We are laden with fearful thoughts and no one taught us how to manage that. In their own mis-education they just called us lazy.

THE TRUTH IS OK
The truth is simple. We are a happening, a process of continual change and sometimes that can be scary, because we are vulnerable organisms. Nothing is wrong with that. It’s all OK. It’s OK to be scared and for things to hurt and for change to be happening. Everything we ‘think’ on top of that is just thoughts, or ‘narrative’. These thoughts are powerful. They shape our experience. Some of them helpfully, others of them cause us to suffer. The key is to notice you are thinking and discern if it’s helpful or not and then to make a choice. 

MAKE A CHOICE
Decide. Do you want to be a slave to an unhelpful narrative? Do you want to be liberated by admitting the truth? This too is a process of gradual re-schooling, re-parenting, both to ourselves and to others. If we decide to follow the path of liberation then we are free to choose how to live. We begin to consider what is helpful and important -  principles to live by. We naturally find our way towards principles like kindness, honesty, trust, wisdom and corresponding behaviour like slowing down, rooting out bad habits and installing healthy habits and welcoming ourselves and others with love in our hearts. 

SUFERING IS ALSO OK
Or we choose to let our fearful thoughts take hold. This is the dark path, which is also part of the process. Stepping back we can see a perspective where this suffering is necessary in the grand scheme of things. As Eckhart Tolle said “We suffer until we realise that we don’t need to suffer any more.”

Vicious Cycles
Well we often make things worse through panic thinking. We imagine all sorts of terrible things that might happen, or that 'did' happen (but probably didn't happen the way we imagined). We compare ourselves, or our experience with the ideal image of who / what 'should' be. In doing this we suffer and it can be a vicious cycle of thinking and then amplifying the feeling, then amplifying the thinking... until eventually we burn out. 

Grounding
A better way is to practice something called grounding. If we were in a storm the safest thing to do is get low to the ground.  When people have a panic attack or feel unwell it's often a good idea to ask them to sit or lie on the ground, so they don't fall over and hurt themselves. These are analogies of a set of emotional techniques that help us to feel more safe and stabilize our emotional wobbles. I'll name a few here, which I use regularly. 

1. Deep breathing
The first is simple - focus on long, slow outbreaths. Science has shown s that this down regulates the nervous system helping us to feel calm. The important thing is long, slow and smooth breathing, with small gaps. Slowing down the breath slows down the mind. 
If you want a structure to follow you can look up box breathing or 7/11 breath or 4-7-8 breathing. I also like ocean breath and sighing with sound. Try them all and pick one. They all share the same quality - slower, smoother, deeper breathing, with pauses, primarily focused on the out breath. 

2. Describing things according to the senses
A good way to interrupt thought is to put our attention into our senses. I recently showed a way to do this when working for Marie Curie, to help people grieving. I use this when I work with people who are panicking. Slow down the breath and name 5 things you see, listen for 4 distinct sounds, smell 3 things, touch 2 things with your hands and finally bring the attention inside to feel one inner sensation/location, like the heartbeat.  This doesn't solve the external situation, but describing or being with the senses slows the mind and body down and regulate the nervous system, whilst also interrupting any negative thoughts. Now you can think more clearly. 

4. Meditation
This is a practice of the above - exploring our senses, but with a couple of extra layers. First we observe things for longer, and with a relaxed and relatively still posture, secondly we move closer and closer to the experience, with full allowing, acceptance and curosity, until there is no separation between I 'the observer' and that which is being observed. We become the body and let everything flow through us. This deep state of being can take time to cultivate and the key to it is non-striving, or allowing. If there is resistance, that's ok - be the resistance, inhabit it and allow it fully. The more curiosity we can practice the better, whilst also not reacting. This can cultivate a wonderful sense of openness and trust, gradually, over time. This is not a quick fix. 

5. Express it, talk to it, move it! 
This final tip might seem a bit odd, but for me it is part of my practice of re-parenting, fooling, parts work and self-love. Imagine these wobbles are parts of you popping up to protect you. They want listening to and so it's important to give them some space to express them. There are many ways you do this:

• Journaling
• Playing 'as them' for a few minutes (eg. be the grumpy part and let yourself complain)
• Singing or dancing the emotion -bring it into voice or movement (music is a helpful aid here)
• Bring love to this part by talking to it in a loving way - this involves acknowledging it, asking what it needs and giving it some reassurance. I find a loving chest rub is helpful here. 

When we explore these parts we often find vulnerable longings, hungers and needs underneath. Emotion is a powerful force and if we explore it we can often hardness its power to motivate us into action. This is intrinsic (internal) motivation, instead of extrinsic (external) motivation. Its the difference between an inner desire and yearning and wanting instead of wanting external approval or achievement. 

This final one often involves movement. They say action is the antidote to anxiety - which I find to often be true. Below is a picture of practicing a bit of Yoga in the sunshine. A great way to step out of our wobbles is to MOVE THE BODY! 

WORST tool

• ​W: Worries. What’s the worst that will happen?  List them methodically. 
•  O: OK? Would you be OK (i.e survive?). Why would it all be OK? (Even if you die). Go through each item
• R: Recover. Assume it happened. How would you recover?  
• S: Statistically: How likely is it to happen, really? What %, really?
• T: Tactics: What could you do to reduce the likelihood of this happening?

When I pause and do this I often feel so much better and I have an action to move myself forwards, appreciating the negatives are actually OK. So what about a deeper level of appreciation? 

Today I am writing about the need to rest. TLDR: It's OK to give yourself rest. To maximise the benefits of the rest you have to allow yourself to enjoy it fully, and relax. This means neutralising the negative talk, amplified by the ‘workaholism’, which will no doubt be barking at you "You need to do work!" You don't, right now. That will come. Listen to your body and slow down. ​

Do something!
With that, I was up and ready for a little movement. I put on my favourite workout playlist and it reminds me to (in the words of Joe Rogan): "Do something, it doesn't have to be a lot, jump a little rope, walk up some hills, just do something. Your body has requirements, it needs to move, and when it does you feel better." So I went for a wee run and then did a wee workout. Not as much as on my plan. I felt better. I felt much better. I had a cold shower, I ate food and I planned my day. 

Energy crash!
Turns out I can't just expect my body to be better with a little fresh air and exercise. So I started my workday with a nap - listening to Paul Mckenna, hot water bottle on my back and one on my eyes (also cleaned my eyes with saltwater as they have been flaring up a little-  a sign that my body is struggling). This was so delicious. Throughout the nap, I would neutralise the negative mind that worried I'm being lazy and should be working. I would have to do this continuously today. Workaholism - the idea that all of our value comes from working - never allows us to rest. We need rest, especially when the body is struggling.  

Rest is 'doing something'
Rest makes us more effective and productive in the long run. It is not 'doing nothing' or 'being lazy'. Laziness is often a story we tell ourselves, when really there is some fear present. Rest allows us to listen to the body and delve in to check out the fear that prevents us from moving forward. Often a 'should' and 'need' is the language of fear, which has a counter productive effect on our work.  

I post this now in the hope that you are able to tune into what your body needs and neutralise the negative thoughts of workaholism. Good luck my friends. ​

​THE MIND ASKS WHY? ANSWER IT!
There's a moment in Goggin's book where he is doing an ultra marathon and he is realising his brain is starting to complain. He calls this 'the governor' (like that on a car to control the speed). He has learned and practices the skill of overpowering and outthinking his governor. "The mind knows all - it knows your fears and your weaknesses. It will tell you your not good enough. It will ask you the hardest question in those moments - Why are you bothering to try this!?" What Goggins realised is that you have to have an answer prepared for that question, especially in those painful moments. You need to remember a deep truth, an intention that you committed to for a very very good reason.

GOGGINS HAS A CLEAR MISSION
​For Goggins he wanted to be the Hardest 'Mutha-F**ker God Ever Created'. He wanted to develop mental toughness because he could see that this is all a mind game. So he saw all these physical challenges as positively  'callousing the mind'. He learned to give the pain purpose and this was his answer each time in the dark night of the soul, in the midst of his suffering he responded to 'why bother?' with "Because I don't want to! I am callousing my mind against that soft, weakness of fear. I am becoming the hardest man ever!" 

HAVE A SIMPLE MISSION  PREPARED
I love that. Though I may not share his mission I can relate.  If we can connect to a deep truth - a purpose that touches something profound in us, and we recite it regularly then we are prepared for those moments in life when the mind challenges our resolve. The mind  forgets why we started and so its up to us to 'prepare to remember.' To have the answer, the deep truth, the 'mission' etched into our mind, ready to respond when fear and panic tempt us to give up and convince us that we are not good enough. The mission must be simple and clear and inspiring. 

NO FINISH LINE
Another part of Goggins race mentality that haunts me is the idea that there is no finish line. Give up waiting for the finish line and embrace this suffering. Wow! What if that's true? What if there is no finish line? What if, even in life there is no finish? 
I have used death as a comforter many times. The idea that I will die one day, maybe today, helps me to drop my worries and relax. I'm here to enjoy myself. It's not a race, it's a dance. But Goggins' idea popped my bubble. What if death is not the end? What if the journey continues. More suffering in the next part? Maybe I keep repeating this life forever? OK, or as Goggins says 'Roger That!'
The point is to realise that if I keep comforting myself with the idea of an ending to my problems then I just wait for that to happen, which encourages me to rest back instead of pushing forward. I'm in a point in my life where I have been resting back way too much, because I've been comforting myself, getting soft and it's time to delve deep into my truth and start to embrace the difficult things. In order to do that I'm entertaining the idea that there may be no finish line. This suffering is it. This is life. This is where the joy and growth is. No waiting around for the end. Live, live now. As Jocko Willis says (another hard man) "Fight that ticking clock with everything you got!"

 WhN'T JUST GO WITH THE FLOW - FIGHT!
I've lead a lot of my Mindfulness career trying to find the easy path. The least resistance. The way of the lazy guru. This 'go with the flow' attitude has value, because it helps me to relax and I needed that for a time. But it also has negativity. If we are always going with the flow we are not in any control and we are being propelled along by life and by the mind. If there's one thing I know about the mind it is that it has a negativity bias. It looks for problems to solve. It draws us into conflict and drama. It's time for me to wake up and take charge of the boat, put some work in and to go against the flow - take the path of most resistance. Fight that clock and that governor within my own mind. Fight hard and delve deep into my truth.

THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL
We all face the dark night of the soul when we do this. The moments where you actually turn and face your fear. We often do it alone. Ultimately we must do it alone, but I am learning now that I can also do it with some additional resources, which have been partly inspired by the way Will Smith surrounds himself with family and friends: 

1. Trusted Friends: I've been cultivating a great group of friends. I have often struggled to reach out to them and this morning I realised it's time to call on them for help and support. It's going to be a challenge to overcome my inner resistance there too.

2. Mirror work and reparenting:  So what's been helping me is... me. The man in the mirror. I've been making a practice of taking a good quality mirror and sitting with it in conversation. I see in the mirror the father I always longed for - supportive, loving, encouraging, disciplined, kind and emotionally intelligent. He wants to guide me but he also wants me to do the work myself. I can cry in front of him and he stays with me, with infinite patience. I talk to him for about 10 minutes every day and it alwsys ends with a shower of encouragement from him. 

It's been amazing and I'm excited to keep this journey going, with no finish line and overpowering my internal governor with a connection to my deepest truth: Because this experience is helping me to become the greatest counsellor and coach to others, so I can empower them to reconnect to their deepest truth and to act from a loving place, rather than the fear of a panicked mind. This is my newest mission and I practice it every single day.  I leave you with three questions:

1. What is your mission?
2. Who can you count on to help?
3. Are you prepared to go deep inside and talk to the person in the mirror to get to the deep truth?​

If you need some help to connect to your deepest self and bring out your mission let me know and let's work together on it.  I 'd love to help you as I also continue to commit and action my own mission every single day. ​

I've been enjoying the music of Akira The Don, who makes beats to accompany soundbites from inspiring speakers. In this tune he takes a speech from Jocko Willink - an ex Navy-Seal - to inspire us to use the enemy image to get up early. I paraphrase quips from Jocko here:

• "I like to have that psychological win over the enemy. When I wake up in the morning... I'm thinking about the enemy and what they're doing. "
• "I imagine there's a guy rocking back and forth, with a machine gun in one hand and a grenade in the other, and he's waiting - for me! We're going to meet!"
• "I'm thinking to myself what can I do to be ready for that moment? Which is coming"
• "Successful is someone who brings light into that darkness"
• "I will use the word 'Fearless' not because they didn't have fear, but that  they overcame it, all the time." (This is from the song  'This Is It')
• 'To live and fight and die like a warrior - to overcome fear - that to me is success. Regardless of the outcome.'

We mostly use the enemy image unconsciously. We make enemies of our friends, other people and even ourselves. We don't realise we do this and we also don't realise the negative effects it has on our mood, body and relationships. Two examples come to mind: 

• Some Left Liberals imagine bitter, short sighted Tories, hoarding money and shitting on the environment. The worry that the world is being dragged into fascist and environmentally destructive dystopia leads them to become more and more radical in their rebellious approach. 
• Some Right Conservatives imagine lazy, workshy hippies, draining the national purse illegally. This leads them to despise people who are in poverty and become judgemental and bitter and try to make stricter and harsher rules. 

These examples of 'othering' can also be done consciously - We can make up a story to help us and thus avoid the negative side effects of confusing imagination with reality. Here is how I do it:

I imagine two main enemies in this modern battle:. I understand these are characters and not 'real' people (who are more complex). The following  images help motivate me to thwart the attention wandering.  

I teach this and I still forget at times - such is the power of the modern trance.
Whenever we create an enemy image it is usually a representation of a part of ourselves that we repress, but very much lives inside.  When I consider my enemies - yes there are people in the world like that but the real enemy is my own pattern of distraction and then blaming, whilst ignoring my own body and mind. The real enemy is within.

So what can I do?
I take the advice of Ghandi and Jocko (can you imagine these two combined!? What a team!)
Be the change I want to see and Prepare for battle with the enemy. Just  like in this video ​we must recognise the inner parts if we are to tame them. This means discipline and boundaries.

What this means in practice: 

• Practice Discipline and Boundaries: Starting my day well, off the smartphone and using techniques (which I teach and coach) to liberate myself from online and offline distractions that only serve the corporate Zuckerberg's of the world. 
• Practice Gratitude and Empathy: I use mindfulness to create more love and less hate in myself and in my relationships. I step back from online debates (including text messages) and have real conversations and real relationships. 

For me this means I have a morning routine of getting up early, meditating, journaling, working out and then a daily practice of using Pomodoro's to stay focused and gradually changing my online habits. I keep the enemies in my mind to remind me of the parts within. 

If you'd like to learn some of these techniques and develop a healthy relationship with yourself and others please get in touch and do some coaching with me. 

WINDOW OF TOLERANCE
A better way of considering it is to think of the green zone in the middle as a window of tolerance that you want to keep returning to and expanding through deliberate practice of dipping into the stretch zones either side. This is a nicer way of describing the Comfort Zone, Stretch Zones and Panic Zone. 

AIM: FLEXIBILITY AND RESILIENCE
We are ultimately aiming for psychological and bodily flexibility. To be able to move between states, so we can be resilient to them when they come up. We cannot just stop them from appearing. They call it the autonomic nervous system for a reason. To become more flexible and resilient we can think of it like a muscle. 

NEUORCEPTION - MINDFULLY BECOME AWARE OF YOUR CURRENT STATE
But first you have to be AWARE of what state you are in. This is actually quite simple - tune in (mindfully) to the body and notice if you are activated into panicked action or frozen in immobile confusion and numbness. To do this however takes some skill. When we practice mindfulness we develop our nueroception -our ability to be aware and even name and describe our internal state.

OK so you've discovered you're stuck in indecision and confusion, immobile and static. What next?  I can numb out so often when I'm overwhelmed and so basically I've learned that in this state we need to MOVE and embrace some discomfort. Here are some ways to help you. I have put *** next to the ones I use.

1. Singing*** I love this one as it helps me feel good and is great breathing practice
2. Cold water to the face***! This is something I use a lot and can be combined well with...
3. Brushing teeth and flossing - refreshing and you’re using bilateral stimulation and dropping the jaw - this is a very primal way of reducing stress.
4. Cold shower/swim  - Pain is your friend here - Declare it "I love this!" Or if no access to the bathroom...
5. Just do some fast and deep breathing (Wim Hoff) otherwise known as Fire Breath
6. Admit what's up*** and use challenging, motivational words "Let's Go! Bring it on! Yeah! Fuck this!"  See my FLOW tool... I use this a lot! 
7. Stand up, Shake it out, with sound - Stretch and make sound, like an animal, or even better
8. Dance to music***, with sound
9. Go for a fast walk or jog***, in the fresh air - make it have a determined energy
10. Climb a tree***. do some press ups, pound your chest
11. Tense the whole body and relax (Progressive Muscle Relaxation)
12. Watch some fun, irreverent comedy *** (the danger for me is that this one can lead to procrastination an YouTube addiction!)
13. Rage to heavy music - scream swear words into a cushion or shout in the car
14. Have a vigorous workout*** - with sound - punch the fists
15. Do some intense or dynamic yoga*** (Vinyasa/Ashtanga)
16. Lie Down and move head from side to side: Recalibration exercise using neck/eyes
17. Bilateral Stimulation With Eyes - EMDR - Follow your finger with your eyes all around, left right, rolling around, then back and forth, ending with your eyes up. Studies on Trauma patients show that this side-to-side movement neutralizes the initial traumatic event, gets it unstuck, and can create immediate relief from PTSD. I personally think its more appropriate in a therapeutic 1:1 setting. 

Don't: 

• Believe the inner critics judgements or helpless predictions - question them/alow them
• Get lost in distracting phone/ media - throw the phone away
• Sit and stare blankly at walls/ceiling - move, music, shake, now!
• Stay stuck indoors/in bed/on seat - go out!
• Browse the internet becoming lost in rabbit holes - get off it!

Once activated you may wish to crack on with work - great. Ideally we want to bring moderation to our action, not just use work to become another distraction from dealing with our internal state of stress. For people who are manic or workaholics this is particularly important (I can be like this). It is best to induce a state of calm learning so we can have an open mind as we move through our day. Calming things might include (*** = I use them):

1. Humming! ***I love it! Slows things down and is peaceful. 
2. Deep slow belly breaths***, Slow, controlled out breaths, with gaps
3. Admit what your mind is thinking and say '...and that's ok... fuck it... no worries' (Journaling is good for this) Again this is FLOW
4. Self Tapping (EFT Technique) with self loving words -  Tapping on acupressure points in the body to stimulate those positive brain wave frequencies (delta waves) and activating serotonin and dopamine. 
5. Meditation or napping - use comforting, positive words "It's OK, I'm OK. Ahhhh...."
6. Go for a SLOW, mindful walk - Stop, Look around, Observe something, Walk On. 
7. Gentle stretch (Yin Yoga / Yoga Nedra / Alexander Technique)
8. Read a book, to chilled music 
9. Bath, candles, self massage/pamper
10. Watch a feel good movie, or one that matches mood (not action)
11. Havening: basically hugging and rubbing yourself  - There are nerve endings right under the surface of your skin cells on the upper body. When you apply pressure there, it creates delta waves in the brain (the same brain waves during deep REM sleep) and it slows the beta wave pattern down. That’s why hugs are so important! Give yourself one, or give someone else a hug who needs it as well.

Don't: 

• Get lost in 101 tasks - focus on one at a time
• Allow business to overtake you and stop you caring for your body and relationships - find balance
• Allow confusion to get you stuck between fight/flight - wrtite down what you are intending to do and be realisitic
• Browse the internet becoming lost in rabbit holes - get off the internet now!

The internet and information bombardment often sends us back down into a state of overwhelm and we find ourselves immobile, frozen and numb again. I often have to jump up, put music on and shake it off before settling again. 

So we can be ready for this by developing our neuroception and building healthy habits into our lives. These are what I recommend:

1. Daily connection practice: meditation, yoga, and recalibration - I do about 20 minutes every morning 
2. Walking outside - get sunshine and fresh air daily, even if its just 10 minutes
3. Cold water exposure - choose a discomfort that works your vascular system
4. Exercise daily - even if it's only 20 minutes. Get your heartrate up and move the body! 
5. Sleep well - try and get a minimum of 7 hrs.
6. Eat real food, not too much - I try and eat less processed food and finish when I'm 80% full
7. Practice regular standing up from desk - I use Pomodoro technique to help me 

If you'd like help with this come on a group course in Emotional Resilience or work with me 1:1. ​

But wait...are there four zones?
I found this and realised the  yellow zone is very familiar...
​https://www.pontelandprimary.co.uk/mental-health-wellbeing/zones-of-regulation/
​

Since lockdown in 2021 I notice a gradual ebbing away of my confidence in myself. Self doubt has been nipping at my heels. I've been doing all sorts to try and get rid of it. I recognise it as my old friend 'IMPOSTER SYNDROME'. This part of me tries to protect me from failure and humiliation by forming the believe that I'm not good enough. 

Do you have a part of you that does this too? 

I trust I am not alone. It's part of the human condition and it's exacerbated by the modern culture. I've been re=reading Mark Manson's masterpiece 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F***'  to try and remind me of some things. I'm only up to page 70 and already I'm reminded of a basic thing that culture does: 

Mark reminds me that in this odd culture of bombardment 'exceptional' is considered normal and to be average is to fail. He reminds me that in our desire and need to be special and exceptional we will try and be at one end of the bell curve - to be exceptionally successful or believe we are exceptionally bad. This polarising ignores the need for balance, across multiple disciplines, and the acceptance of being ordinary,.

A few other choice reminders from the book:

• The mind automatically finds ways to invent problems if it has a lack - this reminds me to practice gratitude and recognition of the privilege and ease of my life
• Finding something important and meaningful in your life is perhaps the most productive use of your time and energy - this remind me to refresh my purpose and manifesto and look at what training I would like to do next. 
• The backwards law reminds me that the desire for more positive experiences is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one's negative experiences is itself a positive experience. 
• As my friend Cedar says - nothing is wrong - nothing is wrong with me, or with you, even though the mind constantly tries to use comparison, control and craving to convince you there is something wrong. Of course the caveat to that is that you can still make mistakes - but don't condemn them as wrong. 
• The capitalist society wants us to give a f*** about everything that is unimportant, including other people's opinions of us. This worry makes them money! So F*** this. The subtle art of not giving a f*** is about caring less about trivia and focusing ones attention on what truly matters.
• F*** our feelings. We cannot let them 'drive the bus'.  love the phrase ''I feel like shit today, but who gives a f***?" and then I can magically stop hating myself for feeling bad and just crack on. 

​

This is just one of the ways that helps me to overcome the imposter syndrome. What about you? What helps you remember what is important, what is real and what to give less f***s about?

If you'd like help figuring that out hire me to coach you. First session is free! 

Within my work I help people heal the body and train the mind. Here are some of the main ways in which we do this: 

Things we can do
We can do many things to help our inner vulnerable parts:

• Meditation, Breathwork and Grounding: Learning simple ways to calm the nervous system
• Mindful Massage and Movement: Refresh and relax the body
• Somatic Experiencing and Pendulation: Using awareness of the body to discover and heal trauma
• Counselling with Voice Dialogue Parts Work: Giving space to the inner parts to grieve, express, be seen, heard and understood helps us create inner peace and integration of our shadow

Re-schooling the mind with Healthier Habits 
We were taught maths and English in school, but no one taught us how to live well. They didn’t really teach us to challenge our own thoughts, channel our emotions. In sessions we learn to bring in new ways of thinking and relating to ourselves that create more compassion, self-care, discipline and of course the vital energy that comes with joy and play. These habits can enrich our habits of productivity, so we can be functional AND feel good. 

I've had a depressing week. I've been comparing myself and letting my mind drag me into a low mood by believing (or not challenging) the stories of comparison, regret and self judgement:

• He's so successful - I should have worked harder and smarter - I'm a failure!
• He's got an amazing house - I need a house! I should have bought one ten years ago - I'm so stupid!
• She's on holiday - Why didn't I sort a holiday - I'm so indecisive!
• He's so fit and I'm weak and pathetic!
• They're so happy  - I'm so anxious and scattered - I'm a broken mess!

This kind of thinking is responsible for so much despair in my life and so many other people's. I coach people and have the privilege of helping them to  escape this endless loop of misery and internal drama. But that doesn't mean I can always escape it myself. In fact I notice how I often post all the nice bits of life on social media - then other people can compare themselves negatively to me!  Oh dear! With practice I'm getting more resilient to comparison. What is the practice?

I'm fortunate enough to have access to some pretty awesome friends and therapists and this week I've been taking a look at my inner critic in more detail, as well as the vulnerable inner victim. In the paradigm of 'parts work' (AKA internal family systems, voice dialogue, fooling etc) we recognise there are many parts at play in our internal landscape. There parts are like people of their own accord. If you pay attention to yourself you'll notice your energy levels, voice and posture change when you are 'playing out' different parts. 

In one recent therapy session I took time to go into my sad 'I don't know what I'm doing' part and really empathise with him. I was able to link it back to a 12 year old version of me that had trauma when entering secondary school. He felt (and still feels) deflated, small and depressed at the challenges of 'big-boy school'. My posture become hunched and my voice is squeezed. I feel this today whenever I encounter setbacks, particularly related to my work or areas where I demonstrate I'm a capable and intelligent person. 

I also played out the critical parts of me - the thinkers and judges. These parts embody a more confident and even aggressive energy and posture.  These relate to parents, bullies, teachers and... myself. They were necessary parts of myself that helped to protect me.  

The purpose of giving these parts space to express themselves is:

• To hear what they have to say and understand them. Once they feel heard and understood they can quiet down a little. We can also recognise how they manifest in the body (feelings/urges/pains etc) and that helps us recognise them sooner, in the future, and take helpful action.
• To appreciate them - they each have a purpose. We can ask ourselves what that purpose it and it helps us to welcome these parts and redirect their strategies to better serve the purpose. 
• To befriend and work with them - Once we know them, understand and appreciate them we can even find joy and usefulness in them. We accept these parts of ourselves into our lives and thus we can work with them more effectively. Our default in life is to resist and repress our parts and this often creates the problems of a negative mind and stressed nervous system. 

What does this look like?
This morning I gave a lot more space to the critics - who really had some good advice (albeit delivered with some anger and judgements).  I took a mirror and placed it in front of me and I began to lay out all the criticisms - full throttle, for 10 minutes! I went through what I should do and how I have been so wrong. Turns out I really do want to be more successful, prosperous and have more ease and fun and if I listen to the advice and weed out the condemning judgements. 

I was only able to do this because I've given each part that needed it some space. In my therapy session the vulnerable victim cried - a lot! That cathartic grieving left space for me to hear, understand and appreciate the advice of the inner critics. 

The beautiful side effect of all this is that the comparison mindset vanishes (along with the despair) and is replaced with a more appreciative mind - that sees the present moment as a gift - an opportunity to live! Now is wow! Today I've been exercising, working, reading and enjoying nature. It's not perfect and I still get the symptoms of 'compare and despair' occasionaly, but now I can recognise it and meet it with understanding , compassion and some really good 'self care'.  

If this sounds like something you'd like to explore let me know and we can do some coaching together, I'm offering a free 1 hr intro session from October 2021. Book here. 

In reality, however, these ‘negative’ emotions can be helpful. The negativity comes when we try to fight them via:

• Repression: ignore them, push them away and pretend we don’t feel them
• Distraction: use external things to override the feelings, such as food or screens 
• Reaction:  quickly acting out, without awareness of our feelings - to blame, force or change something external, assuming the emotion is based on a real, present moment threat. 

These are the basics of our learned coping mechanisms or conditioned reaction, which are largely unconscious (meaning we are not aware of them, or in control of them). They developed during childhood, when they were perceived as absolutely necessary reactions, to receive attention, love and/or safety when we needed it most. We carry these deep in our nervous system. 

Something happens that ‘triggers’ past pain, and activates the mechanism. It can be anything, from a specific type of person, environment or even a raised eyebrow to a shouted word. The reactions triggered can be severe, like a full-on panic attack, or more subtle, like anxiety and a tight chest. For myself I notice that I sometimes get very sleepy and tired during emotional conversations with my partner. I realised this is a mechanism learned from childhood to unconsciously help myself avoid conflict and forced emotional dumping and enmeshment  with parents). I have since learned to pause when I yawn, and name this as a 'conditioned reaction', which often stops it. Which leads me into the next step...